DO YOU LIKE MAMMOTH : Downing Street is set to issue up to date Coronavirus rules today to keep abreast with the changing UK fine dining landscape.
The new guidance is aimed at families struggling to make ends meet on a budget, and to ensure they stay hale and hearty as they forage for the weekly food shop.
“The important thing is that the new guidance looks to the future,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “these rules will also assist in the changing post Brexit landscape. And I don’t just mean Kent turning into one giant concrete lorry park.”
The guidance focuses on traditional ways to feed a family of four.
“Obesity is clearly less of an issue than it was, now that Spaffer Johnson has set an example and hired a personal trainer. But how do you keep the hoi polloi trim and fit for the digital mill? Why, exercising while getting groceries. It’s clearly a win win.”
To this end the guidance will focus on hunting and foraging.
“It’s the traditional way for the underclass to gain sustenance and enjoy the thrill of the outdoors. And it doesn’t have to be just pottage today and pottage tomorrow. Hunting fresh flesh isn’t just for the rich and powerful. It takes dogged perseverance to catch a rabbit with a rock.”
And rock will feature heavily, with classic spear and arrowhead designs to be included.
“Flint is plentiful and free. I’m sure Her Majesty won’t mind subjects on a budget scouring the Thames foreshore for weapon’s grade flint. If you’re foraging for flint in Kent, clearly you’ll have to hurry, before it’s concreted over. Obsidian is only available in Scotland, so we won’t be worrying about that. As for the shafts and handles? Well, just go into your garden and choose a suitable wood. I believe Yew is best for bows.”
But when hunting in groups and foraging in packs citizens are advised that CV-19 is still a risk.
“The ventilation of the outdoors will help dramatically reduce the chance of contracting Covid off a clan member, but still we would encourage the wearing of masks. Presumably they can be easily made from pelts. And besides, if you want to corner that frisky doe you’ll need to disperse and encircle. Perhaps your family pet can help? That’s if you haven’t already eaten the dog and used it’s hide to make gloves.”
And don’t think that the ministers who have hired consultants to draw up this new guidance are not aware of the problem of heat or eat.
“You can start a fire with the right rocks. Just strike that flint and blow softly into some dry grass. With these new guidelines you’ll be cooking a stew on a Sunday and have plenty of leftovers for sandwiches through the week. And importantly, as it’s winter, you won’t even need to bung 50p every half hour in the fridge to keep it running. Just store your leftovers in fox proof containers on the back patio. And with any luck, you might even get to eat the fox.”
*When eating dogs be sure to avoid the liver. It contains a toxin that can be fatal.