Man caught smuggling 100,000 toilet rolls into the UK claims they are for his own personal use

On a roll: Canny customs officers have intercepted a shifty looking man they suspected of smuggling. On closer inspection, he turned out to be trying to bring illegal toilet tissue into the country.

A team of sniffer dogs were used in the sting. All of them were cute golden Labrador puppies.

The guards doubted that the seized items were for personal use. Nobody is that full of shit.

Border personnel have been on red alert ever since the panic buying began. The import duties on the widely derided EU-standard bum wipes are heavy, since they are far superior to the bog standard British ones.

A cavity search of the man revealed not just one roll, but almost 100,000. The duty on these alone is enough to liquidate the economy of a small Eastern European economy.

The man was incidentally also carrying several kilos of pure cocaine. These were thrown to the puppies as their reward.

He was taken into custody immediately. A huge Bounty was put on his head, although unfortunately it soon melted. The ransom demand was instantly met in full by HM government.

Soap, shampoo and shower gel have also become contraband. Customs guards are on the alert for individuals who are unusually clean, fragrant and well groomed.

The desperate smuggler was taken straight to hospital as a precautionary measure. However the Universal Credit people declared him fit for work and sent him straight back to Westminster.

Word is that the new head of Intelligence and Security, Chris Grayling, is all over the place. And the case. He is trying to keep calm and carry on in the smallest room, but since his supplier failed to supply him with his stash, he has been out panic buying loo roll at the Westminster Tesco Express.

One mystery remains. How did the smuggler fit 100,000 toilet rolls up his backside? Well, the truth is, nobody really knows, although he’s well known for being a massive arsehole.

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