YOU’LL NEVER GET THE STAINS OUT : A middle-aged man from the former Red Wall town of Footy had a lucky escape today after hurling himself into a bubbling vat of pig slurry.
Reports from the scene indicate the man had heard a voice urging him to “Embrace Brexit” and immediately left his home, drove to the nearest pig farm where he physically dived into the ferocious mess head first.
Eyewitnesses were unable to comment as they were all pigs, but first responders did talk to the press about what they found at the scene and what the man concerned said.
“We were alerted a little after 6am this morning by the distressed call from a farmer in the hamlet of Footley, five miles outside of the town of Footy,” a police officer said. “The farmer said he was doing his morning check on his stock and that’s when he heard the shouts of alarm. He rushed to the slurry vat to find there was a man unknown to himself in the warm slurry and he would not get out.”
Apparently the farmer attempted to rescue the man who refused. He retreated and called emergency services, before returning to continue to attempt rescue.
“Fortunately the vat was only thigh deep with muck and although the individual was slipping and sliding all over as he tried to actually hug the pig slurry the farmer was able to lasso him in a move he said he learned from watching John Wayne movies with his grandfather.”
The man was eventually dragged from the vat by a combination of police, ambulance drivers, firemen and the farmer all dragging on the rope. The attempt to embrace Brexit was described as “unsuccessful and just left the man covered in pig shit”.
He is being treated at a nearby sanatorium and is expected to be released into the care of his wife. She is said to be “fuming”.
“We can’t really say why he tried it,” the police added. “He’s not overweight, red faced and doesn’t read any right wing tabloids. He is also no fan of the Prime Minister. It was reckless in the extreme. It’s likely the stink of electoral crime, loss of prestige and influence, the harm done by forcing through an ill-judged political agenda via racism and deluded exceptionalism will hang over him for some time. We would advise no one else attempt to embrace Brexit, who has not already.”
Instead the advice is to continue to exercise your democratic right to tell Brexit to sod off and come back when it’s located an actual benefit and is prepared to apologise to the millions of people it’s already harmed.