Man says biggest regret is “not befriending a Tory MP” before pandemic

PPE JACKPOT : A Home Counties man has spoken to anyone who will listen today to describe his “deep regret” over not having a Tory MP as a friend.

The fellow is puzzled over the “serious oversight” that sees him unable to just “WhatsApp a cabinet minister and instantly become rich beyond my wildest dreams”.

It’s believed his disquiet is only worsened by the daily reports of “someone who has a company they set up last week and whacked five quid in” landing multi-million pound PPE deals just by “texting a friend”.

“Being chums with a cabinet minister seems to be the ultimate get rich quick scheme. Why can’t I just go out today and buy a Georgian Manor? Because I’m an idiot who didn’t do any pandemic planning. That’s why.”

Although the situation is not completely without hope.

“I have a plan,” the man says, “I’m really excited about indoor hospitality reopening. I’ve drawn up a schedule of pubs in the constituencies of cabinet ministers and I’m going to loiter in a different one each day. Well, until the Indian variant closes indoor hospitality again. Thanks Boris! But if I play it right there’s a window of opportunity to become chums with Matt or Priti, I’m not fussy. Then I just have to wait for the next wave and send a text.”

The PPE business has proven to be the sure fire way to instant riches during the pandemic, the mismanagement of which in the U.K. has cost over 150,000 lives so far.

“You’ve got to be in it to win it,” he adds. “In a tantric pandemic that is. Thank God for dither and delay in the executive. If I choose the right boozer, and a cabinet minister turns up for a photo opportunity, tomorrow could be my lucky day!”

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