Man who panic bought books on climate change labelled “freak” by neighbour who owns 500 rolls of toilet paper

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WE’LL ALL BE PAPER MILLIONAIRES : A MAN has been ostracised by his local community and labelled a “freak” after he bought books about climate change, in a panic.

Mr Chester McDougall, 44, Burning Ball Lane, Floodwater-on-Why, purchased the books after deciding (for himself!) that the predominately tax exile controlled British media may not be telling him the whole truth about what is happening to the environment.

“He’s supposed to be worried about the environment and he’s gone and bought all those paper books?” neighbour, and local idiot, Mr Local Idiot, told LCD Views (in disgust), “what’s he going to do when he’s finished reading them? Apart from bore the tits off all of us. It’s not like you can read a book twice or give it away.”

Mr Idiot himself has however also invested in paper products.

“Think how much money Chester has wasted on books?” Local wanted to know, while showing our reporter the spare room he had recently filled with toilet paper.

“He could have gotten dozens of rolls of bog roll. That’s where the smart money is going. Instead he’s blown his dosh on propagandist literature about polar bears and the risk of climate change refugees. You won’t see any refugee bears in my village. The local factory, which makes arms for export all around the world, is all we need here, thank you very much.”

But Mr McDougall was said to be “unrepentant” this morning and on the cusp of donating (regularly!) to Greenpeace, and maybe a refugee charity.

“Throwing his money down the drain!” spat Mr Idiot, “he’s been radicalised by that Greater Tuberg. He needs to follow Piers Morgan and Donald Trump and Nigel Farage. Actual men. Actual conversation starters.”

Mr McDougall said he hoped to donate some of the books to the local library, in the hope of other people in his community reading them.

“This just shows how out of touch he is,” Mr Idiot added, “we’ve already burnt the library down. Now if you don’t mind I’m feeling a bit of an emergency of my own building and need to flush some more of my money down the drain.”

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