Matt Hancock announces changes to lockdown rules on his MySpace page

MATT THE APP : HEALTH SECRETARY Matt Hancock is already recognised as having led a world beating response to the CV-19 pandemic, no more so than with his messaging.

“Matt first showed his flair for communicating directly to the hearts and minds of the British people when he invoked the WW2 D Day dead as part of his campaign to be leader of the Conservative Party,” a source inside the Health Department recalls, “the British people knew how well Matt took his sacred duty to defend the voters of this great country when he rapidly backtracked on that invocation in order to become Health Secretary.”

And Matt’s reputation is only augmented as time goes on.

“By announcing that the entirety of Manchester is going back into lockdown late last night on his MySpace page, Matt continues to communicate directly to the people he has been chosen to care for.”

The lockdown will go for an indeterminate amount of time, presumably until Manchester elects a friend of Dominic Cummings as Mayor.

“Matt encourages everyone to follow him on MySpace. That way you will also find out what hip new bands Matt is into. It’s really mintox.”

The MySpace comms will continue until Matt the App has been readied to take over the task of communicating changes to laws, with sanctions, relating to the Covid-19 mismanagement.

“Once Matt the App has been upcycled to form the bull’s head of the world beating test, track and isolate system the MySpace page will become a backup. You will be able to download the app via smoke signals. They will be broadcast by Matt personally as he frantically waves a blanket over the pyres he has helped light across England.”

The repurposed Matt app will be called Matt’sPlace and you’re all invited to come and stay, especially if you’re willing to donate to him and you have vested interests in the US private health industrial complex.

“Be sure to check Matt’s Myspace page hourly. Remember, ignorance is no defence against the law, unless you’re a Tory MP.”

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