Matt Hancock pays Dido Harding another £22bn to set up track and trace on Mars

MADE ROUND TO GO AROUND : PLANETS ARE ROUND. MONEY IS ROUND. MATT HANCOCK IS WELL ROUNDED. DIDO HARDING HAS SPENT HER CAREER GOING AROUND AND AROUND, FIRST THE RACE TRACK AND THEN THE CORPORATE BOARDROOMS. THE TWO WENT AROUND THE TEST AND TRACE SWEEPSTAKES TOGETHER AND NOW THEY’RE GOING AROUND AGAIN.

“Is the Loch Ness Monster actually on Mars? Is that why we can’t find it?” an aide to super duo Matt and Dido asked LCD Views. We don’t know why, it’s not like we’d know.

But discovering the answer maybe one of the fringe benefits of the latest evolution of the UK’s world beating Test and Trace wealth creation scheme for friends of Tory MPs.

“Matt has asked Dido to set up the gold standard Test and Trace network on Mars. It will be a global first. Britain, thanks to Brexit, will be showing the world how to track any pandemic you like on the Red Planet. It is expected to be up and running before anyone ever gets there!”

Who will do the actual testing and tracing isn’t entirely clear, as it will be carried out by a bewildering web of multi-nationals with no experience in the area, but great contacts in government.

“There will actually be performance standards written into the contract this time too. We’re responding to criticisms. We expect the new outsourced network to find as many, or maybe more, cases as they did in the UK over the course of the pandemic. So none. Ramped up nothing. Money well spent.”

But how much will this all cost?

“The landing craft will be the cheap part. We aim to come in at the same cost as NASA for Perseverance. So £2.5bn. A fraction of what Dido spent to set up the UK’s track and trace. Then it’s just another £22bn on top of the testing service and whacko! Mates of Tory MPs will be instant multi-millionaires all over again!”

Nice work if you can get it.

“It’s who you know.”

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