Matt Hancock to be government Transparency Minister

CLEAR AS MUD: Now the court case that has cleared up government opaqueness is over, naughty Matt Hancock is to get a new job. 

His decision to reveal information on the public interest, when finally obliged to by a court of law, and only six months later than he should have done, means that he is the best man for the job. 

The logic is impeccable. The anti-corruption champion is married to the utterly corrupt Dido Harding. The Clandestine Channel Threat Commander is believed to be a pirate. The most responsible job in the country is held by the most irresponsible man imaginable. It follows that the Transparency Minister should be a man who, the court proved, concealed information illegally. 

Awarding an important role to somebody totally unsuited to it is nothing new, but the current government has elevated the practice to world beating new heights. 

Yes, it’s Matt Hancock, the man who cares so much about NHS workers that he gave them all a badge once. And clapped for them. But never shook the magic money tree in their direction. 

Oddly enough, Hancock instead watched squillions of pounds flutter gently into the capacious pockets of sundry Tory chums and sycophants, racing fraternity mates, and acquaintances from his local pub. 

It’s clear there has been a misunderstanding. Little Matt has been working night and day, straining every sinew, tirelessly fighting the War On Coronavirus. He can be forgiven for his occasional mistakes, and it’s clearly not cricket for the courts to disclose them. 

So, even though he has no spare time whatsoever, Hancock has another responsibility. He will ensure that glass ceilings become concrete, waters are muddied, and government websites crash as soon as they go live. 

Democracy, clarity, accountability. These words now mean the exact opposite of what they should. And the snotty news media should remember which side they are on, and wave the flag for Britain! 

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