Matt Hancock to escape prosecution because he only broke the law in a specific and limited way

NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON’T: Or in other words, using the Brandon Lewis defence. Lawbreaking is fine so long as you only break one at a time. 

“I’m totally convinced that this is a one off oversight,” wrote the Daily Mail, in a tiny corner of the Fuck It’s Real News Better Print It Then section, hiding it next to the small ads, and burying it beneath 743 pages of irrelevant speculation about the Royal Family. 

Other patriotic papers behaved in likewise fashion, the Daily Express excelling itself by blaming the EU and Jeremy Corbyn for Hancock’s blunder. 

“Breaking the law in a specific and limited way is a euphemism, of course,” explained legal eagle Bill O’Rights. “It admits the offence, but mitigates it by pointing out that the offender merely broke the law, and didn’t then go full Boris.” 

Going full Boris, is that an official legal term? 

“No, the phrase is specifically limited to private conversation,” said O’Rights. “It means as well as breaking the law, you get hammered and brag about it to all your mates. Then on the way home you pour petrol onto it, set light to it, and try to extinguish the flames by urinating on it. Then all round to Pongo Hyphen-Hyphen’s place for a night of drugs and debauchery.” 

There’s still time for Hancock to foul his own nest. In which case, he is liable to be pulled up by his House Master, and given a severe wigging. 

Given that Hancock’s boss is Boris Johnson, and that going full Boris is therefore jolly good, absolutely spaffing, it is likely that Hancock will go unpunished. After all, it’s only a little rule he broke, written by lefty traitors to protect the plebs. It’s on a level with goosing the school nurse during nit inspection week. 

In fact, Hancock should be rewarded for being forced to come clean. Think of his mental health!

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