MISSING IN ACTION : The UK’s greatest living politician, Michael “Rupert” Gove, is rumoured to be readying himself to return to frontline political action.
It’s believed he left the stage some weeks back over growing unease at the levels of public awareness of cronyism in government and wanted to be “the first rat to jump off the ship”. A decision which only increases his worth in the public estimation.
Now it seems after quiet time in contemplation, during which circulating “reports of puppies and kittens being sacrificed on an altar to an ancient kraken” are described as “overblown”, Mr Gove is ready to stage a comeback.
“He’s going for the top. He’s going to cut the head off the snake,” an insider in Hell told LCD Views. “Johnson won’t even have time to shout ET tu Gove! Or appeal to any other extraterrestrial for help.”
It’s believed Mr Gove is assured that the governing 1922 Committee already have the required number of letters expressing no confidence in the shambolic prime minister because “Gove and his wife wrote them themselves”, presumably in blood or some other powerful fluid.
Speculation that is was their own blood is far fetched though as the “paper would have caught fire on contact”.
The appeal to rid the governing party of public awareness is thought to be strong amongst MPs who are “troubled over the sheer size of the cat that David Cameron let out of the bag”.
Re-bagging the public awareness feline is sure to see Gove replace Johnson as “governing in the modern Conservative way requires a lot more discretion than the boozy, blonde, playboy is able to manage.”
It’s not believed Mr Gove plans to hold a snap general election, should he succeed, because that would risk the beginning of the “millennia of terror and suffering on Earth he intends to oversee.”