Melania statue revealed as statue formerly known as Ronaldo

Where does a statue go to hide, and reinvent itself? Slovenia of course, where the alleged statue of Melania Trump has been outed as the statute formerly known as Ronaldo.

More than this, the statue has renounced all names, and will henceforth be known as The Unpronounceable Squiggle.

“This is almost unprecedented,” claimed statue expert Chip Rock. “Statues have remodelled themselves in the past, but a gender reassignment is very rare.”

The commonest example is cutting off their nose to spite their face. “Like the Sphinx,” said Rock. “She attracted so much attention because of her beauty. Bored of this and wanting a quiet life, she denosed. Now she is pissed off because tourists flock to see her as an ugly weirdo instead.”

The Venus de Milo was shy about losing her arms, says Rock. “She hid in a cave for years, because she was embarrassed,” he said. “She had no way to cover up her boobs!”

Some have resisted temptation, though. “Michaelangelo’s David has been bombarded with junk emails offering penis extensions,” claims Rock. “But he is happy the way he is!”

Meanwhile the elusive Squiggle is about to commence a world tour. She/he is planning appearances next to Jesus in Rio De Janeiro, beside the Angel of the North outside Gateshead, and on the fourth plinth in London’s Trafalgar Square.

Squiggle’s final gig will be on Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. The faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln are all planning to become Donald Trump for the occasion.

The exact nature of Squiggle’s shows are being kept under wraps. Insiders have leaked some details. For example, Squiggle will sing a medley of hits including Little Red Cravat and When Snowflakes Cry. There will also be interludes of keepy-uppy, rolling around on the floor in fake agony, and sulking.

Statue means statue. Expect a very wooden performance.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-48890660

Journalist married to cabinet minister has no idea how to influence matters

A prominent journalist working for a major publication has realised that dementia sufferers struggle to get benefits. She wishes there was something she could do to help. Neither she, a major influencer, nor her government minister husband, has any idea what to do.

Is it true? asks Sarah Vine (for it is she). Well, yes. It’s one of the principles of a free-market neoliberal doctrine that you don’t get something for nothing. Are you disabled? Need some extra support? Well tough. It’s not our problem.

How is this not a national scandal? she continues. If only you knew somebody influential in the print media who could bring this to the attention of the nation! But Sarah Vine, star columnist at the Daily Mail, doesn’t know anyone who fits the bill.

Perhaps have a word with your MP? Wouldn’t it be fortunate if Sarah Vine were married to a prominent government minister, like Michael Gove? Then she could use her fortunate position to benefit the nation. But poor old Sarah is helpless.

Instead, she writes about inconsequential crap, like the ‘Gove once took cocaine’ story, amusing though it may be. You can just imagine their drug-addled existence, which presumably explains how Michael Gove ever managed to get laid.

Sarah could possibly write about disability benefits, but her piece would get spiked. The Daily Mail would advocate rounding up and shooting all disabled people in the neighbourhood. This would have two benefits. Fewer scroungers bleeding the country dry, and no undesirables in the vicinity who might affect property prices.

And what about Gove’s backstabbing buddies in Westminster? Not a chance they would change things, even if they wanted to. After all, austerity is designed to cut funding for social purposes, while borrowing heavily to fund tax breaks. Not even a cabinet minister could manage to change the way we run our country.

Oh well. Back to slagging off migrants it is.

BBC to bring Farage to homes of people who no longer watch BBCQT

BREAK AND ENTER : The UK’s state controlled broadcaster, the BBC, is to begin bringing 1930’s tribute act, Nigel Farage, physically to the homes of people who no longer watch their flagship shouting programme, Question Time.

“I’m going to lead the first raid, I mean visitation,” host of QT, Fiona Bruce, told LCD Views, “with our specially trained unit we will ensure that sheep who have strayed from the flock are returned.”

Anyone who doesn’t watch Question Time is minded to keep an ear out for the call “It’s the BBC! Open up!” outside their front doors.

“You’ll have several seconds to comply before the door is broken in,” Ms Bruce said, sympathetically, “but if you fail to open the door and allow Nigel into your dwelling, we will bust that shit open and in he will enter.”

Once Farage is inside the home the trained officers will encourage the homeowners to sit on their sofa so the shepherd can tend the flock.

“The bonus feature in this is that people who have had their door broken down will be added to the ratings of Question Time. That’s very generous of Nigel, don’t you think?”

As to who will pay for millions of broken doors?

“The great British pubic of course,” Ms Bruce shrugged, “they’re already paying for the BBC obsession with promoting populists. It’s a fair shout that Fuhrage would still be an obscure act playing Thursday nights in a Wetherspoons if we hadn’t doggedly elevated him over many years.”

But questions have been raised about what would happen if Nigel is taking one of his rare breaks from Question Time and viewers fail to watch a freak appearance by a Green or Liberal Democrat politician, or perhaps someone like David Lammy or Yvette Cooper?

“Oh, no, we’ll just wipe our brows and be happy we got away with it. Imagine having to open the door for a politician actually elected to office in the UK and belonging to a political party with actual policies? Relative to Nigel? We’d be using at least a tank to open the door or perhaps even a B-52.”

BBC to stand candidates in EU elections with pro-Brexit manifesto

PARTISAN BROADCASTING PARTY: Nigel Farage is reported to have a bad case of the willies today after the BBC announced it is to stand candidates in the upcoming EU elections with a pro-Brexit manifesto.

”How will he get free PR if the state funded broadcaster replaces their hourly Fartage promotion videos with ones for their own candidates?” our election strategist Bill Clinton (some relation) asked,

“it’ll be an uphill battle. All those £499 (a quid under the legal limit for declaring who the donor is- our democracy is being fucked six ways sideways daily) donations coming in via untraceable PayPal donations to Fuhrage’s limited company (The Brexit Party isn’t actually a political party) are supposed to pay for micro-targeted ads to bigots and Empire nostalgia freaks on social media, not for TV slots! It’ll ruin the business model.”

It’s a good question and one the BBC should answer. They’ve built Farage and they can break him, they seem to have no interest in saying.

But who will stand for election as a BBC MEP is a hot question too.

”Humphrys obviously. He’s the draw card. They’re putting him up against Widdecombe. Kuenssberg also, she’s to run against Andrew Adonis. He’s likely to endorse her, even though he has clearly stated opposing views. And there’s a few other names of massively paid individuals who have long forgotten their job isn’t to be a ‘personality’ but to impartially inform.”

Nicholas Witchell is another, he’s rumoured to have stolen the Queen’s EU hat and is thus a shoe in, assuming the Beeb run him in a remain friendly area.

But there’s another surprising initiative too.

”Although Humphrys is being stood individually, because they couldn’t bloody stand the ranting if they didn’t, and let’s not forget he’s positively lethal with a rolled up copy of The Daily Mail in his fist, the Director General has also chosen to stand the entire news service as a candidate. Radio 4 political shows will hope to see themselves elected to the European Parliament for the first time. Once there they’ll be very disruptive, mostly by proclaiming victory daily for far right parties and ignoring the greater left wing gains.”

But how will they work the full time job of being a news service and an MEP if they’re successful?

”The same way Farage does. By not turning up to work and putting bugger all effort into understanding their briefs, so a combination of his and their own in house style. It’ll be a breeze. And best of all their ratings will go through the roof, which is all that has mattered for Auntee for years now.”

Hate speech ban ‘advisory’, says BBC

A well-known social media giant has taken the unprecedented step of banning far-right organisations and individuals. Will the BBC follow suit? Not according to latest information, which suggests that the BBC thinks the action is ‘advisory’.

BBC spokestory Freda Sayanything was on hand to offer false equivalence. “Here at the BBC we must ensure balanced reporting,” she explained. “Therefore any moderate voices must be paired with extreme ones. Intelligence must be paired with stupidity. Soft Brexit paired with Hard Brexit. Need I go on?”

No, we get the picture, but it’s validating the message of hatred, racism and even fascism that these individuals promote, which is the problem.

“Your opinion is welcome,” she replied. “However, in the interests of balance, we must also push the opposite opinion, with great force if necessary. There are two important reasons for this.”

Please go on…

“Firstly, and most importantly, the BBC receives funding directly from the government,” she said. “He who pays the piper picks the tune. And secondly, if we accepted the ban, where would the panel and audience for Question Time come from?”

Fair point.

Sayanything revealed that, since far right-wingers will now be unable to do their far right-whinging on social media, an opportunity has opened up. The BBC will be happy to cream off some of the dark money funding the extremists, in return for transforming Newsnight into a profitable BBC facsimile of Breitbart.

“Advisory means advisory,” she concluded. “Advice. You can take it or leave it. Like it or lump it. Leave It means Leave It.”

Reports are emerging that the people running the EDL, Britain First and the like, have been forced out of their bedrooms. They have organised a real-life meet-up, known cruelly as the ‘gammon gathering’ or the ‘meat market’. Unfortunately, due to the social media ban, they have had to communicate using actual written letters. The Royal Mail has reported receiving a large number of illegible handwritten envelopes without stamps, which may or may not be a coincidence.

There is one piece of good news. The ban means Tommy Robinson will have to put down his phone, stop his insecure self-righteous ‘activism’, and get a proper job.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-47974579

Nigel Farage launches The Brexit Party – a new streaming news service providing 100% of BBC political news output

The BBC and Nigel Farage are sitting pretty today after the launch of Mr Farage’s new The Brexit Party digital TV channel virtually guarantees 100% BBC political news coverage for the foreseeable future, with no cost to the license fee payer.

https://thebrexitparty.com

“Well, there will be a cost,” a production executive working on the tie-up revealed, “but it’ll only be a democratic one, with some credibility spare change.”

The launch of the streaming service coincides with the announcement that UK citizens will almost certainly be voting in the EU elections on May 23rd, unless Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn can agree a mutually assured destruction pact and get it through parliament beforehand.

Speaking at Broadcasting House, at the launch of the latest BBC channel, Mr Farage laughed like a donkey on meth, coughed several times and expressed his gratitude to the national broadcaster.

“I wouldn’t be where I was without the BBC today,” Mr Farage beamed, “they’ve carried my career from the very earliest days. Mostly by forgetting they’re publicly funded with a mandate to inform, tossing all that off to compete in the world of celebrity news and shock, viral success. Rupert Murdoch’s appointment as Creative Director at the Beeb was pivotal to my career.”

Mr Farage also expressed his pleasure at potentially being returned to the European Parliament, so long as enough self defeating suckers vote for him.

“I wasn’t overly impressed by the size of my EU funded pension for years of doing sod all,” Mr Farage smirked, “but with a few more years under my belt popping over to Brussels now and then to be a prat, well, add that to a depreciating Sterling and I’m sitting pretty. Theresa! Keep those Article 50 extensions coming!”

To balance out the content generated by Mr Farage in 2019 the BBC has promised to replay all the previous content featuring Mr Farage with a side serving of Jacob Rees-mogg.

Ecuadorian Embassy London advertises broom cupboard for rent on SpareRoom.com

BREAKING : The Ecuadorian Embassy in London has broken through the Brexit news miasma because it has advertised a basement broom cupboard for rent on SpareRoom.com.

“The reason is because Julian Assange finally found himself gasping, starving, clawing sufficiently for publicity and new sources of crowdfunding that he left the embassy,” our embassy watcher reports, “and was promptly arrested by British police, as he wanted. This will get him a lot of publicity, or so he hopes, but there’s fears he’s hidden down in that basement for so long, feverishly imagining conspiracies against himself, that public interest maybe on the wane.”

So what happens now?

“Who cares?” shrugged our embassy watcher, “Farage can go and meet him openly I guess? Assange has really left it too long.”

But are you sure this is just a cry for attention? Maybe it’s a result of the embassy staff finally getting fed up with his tantrums?

“Well, there was that news story a while back about Assange looking to sue the Ecuadorian Embassy itself because it was mad at him for not cleaning up all the cat poo, so maybe relations between the Messiah complex and the staff have reached a breaking point.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-46027963

That’s the embassy’s fault, surely? They could have gotten him a smaller familiar whose poo is less noticeable?

“Like a hamster or a mouse?”

Maybe a parrot? He could have used it as a device to record his speeches.

“So when he’s imprisoned in a secret location in the USA the parrot could remind everyone of his wisdom?”

Now, you’re getting it! Or maybe a praying mantis? You wouldn’t even notice that.

“All good advice, but it’s too long now, it seems the most forgotten soap opera in British history is drawing to a close. Log on to the internet now, that room is up for grabs, and for just the price of your sanity and reputation, it’s a deal! But hurry, Farage, Banks, Elliot and a mob of other Brexit charlatans with dubious foreign links are said to have already booked a viewing.”

https://www.lrb.co.uk/v36/n05/andrew-ohagan/ghosting

Tory held on suspicion of eating Layla Moran and Yasmin Qureshi after BBC prank backfires

BROKEN :  LCD Views has wind of the rumour right now that the Tory/ERG MP for Northwest Leicestershire, Little Andy Bridgen, is being held on suspicion of eating two fellow MPs.

It’s believed the MP is being detained in a padded room, near to medical facilities, while police and trained medical staff attempt to determine the veracity of the claim. We sent an imagined reporter down to the location of this imagined internment at Guys Hospital in Westminster.

“Shortly before 5am this morning reports started to circulate that Liberal Democrat MP Layla Moran and Labour MP Yasmin Qureshi were reported missing after failing to come back from a BBC special specifically designed to give UKIP MP Andrew Bridgen an excuse to wear a pretend military uniform.”

The special, more correctly viewed as a prank on the opposition MPs with the BBC management’s full backing, was initially criticised for wasting license fee payers’ money, until it took what seems a darker turn.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-47855741/brexit-escape-room-can-these-mps-get-out

“It’s believed the motivation for Mr Bridgen to cannibalise his colleagues is in advance of Jacob Rees-mogg seizing control of parliament later this afternoon. This is thought to lend credibility to claims that Bridgen and Francois have been armed with pikes and told to arrest any MPs that dissent to the takeover when it occurs.”

We spoke to a medical specialist dealing with cannibalism to see if there is any chance at all that Moran and Qureshi could have either escaped (but be in hiding), or survive such a frightening experience?

“They’ll be fine,” Doctor Vomit told LCD Views, “if it is proven that Mr Bridgen has eaten them, they’ll be fine.”

But how so?

“In order to consume his colleagues Mr Bridgen will first have blown himself up like a bullfrog. He will physically have enlarged to a size that actually makes his big mouth appear in proportion. He will then have swallowed them both whole, one after another. It will have happened in the blink of an eye.”

But how could they survive?

“Layla and Yasmin are too full of factual knowledge for Bridgen to digest. Rescuing them will be a simple matter of forcing the ERG to disgorge the meal. They will be wet. They’ll want a shower or a hot bath and some time alone, but they will be otherwise unharmed.”

Phew! More on this as it develops, presumably after someone has stuck a few fingers down Mr Bridgen’s throat and caused the missing link to throw up the missing MPs.

Digital giants in ratings war with live streams signature count ‘Revoke Article 50 and Remain’ petition

The world’s digital giants Netflix and Amazon Prime are in a ratings war today with competing live streams of the signature count on the barmstorming ‘Revoke Article 50 and Remain in EU’ petition.

Now TV is believed to be also lining up to secure the rights to replay the streams next year, although Dave is understood to be rumoured to be launching a joint bid for the repeats with U.K. TV Gold.

”The BBC were offered exclusive broadcast rights to the vote count by the dozens of Twitter accounts set up expressly for the purpose of alleviating pressure on the petition website, but they declined,” our modern world and its media analyst said,

“and that’s not surprising, given that both the petition website and the BBC News Service are state run. Although to be fair, the petition site is much more impartial and actually works constantly to eliminate errors. No one had said that about the BBC News since David Cameron successfully lobotomised it with the help of overpaid celebratory anchors.”

But the instant success of the streaming broadcasts with the petition count isn’t pleasing everyone.

”The guy who films his fireplace to help people unwind and streams it live is none too pleased,” our analyst notes, “as apparently watching the petition count rise over 5m is causing so much relief for millions of viewers people aren’t watching the flames currently.”

Why it is so popular can only be guessed at, so we will.

”It’s because, as with the massive anti-Brexit march in London yesterday, it says that the U.K. hasn’t yet turned culturally into a far right zombie basketcase, even if it’s government and official opposition has.”

Asked why the BBC declined the offer to broadcast the petition count a spokesman for the BBC said,

”What Revoke Article 50 petition? What people’s vote march?”

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/241584

BBC News becomes world’s largest satirical news agency

BBC News creative director Nigel Farage was in a celebratory mood today with the announcement that his personal joke news agency was now the world’s largest satirical news agency.

”No one should be under any illusions that this is the highest bar,” Mr Farage said, while propping up a bar, “this is just the beginning of my work to build on the legacy of Lord Haw-Haw.”

The decision to take the award away from global news empire, LCD Views, and award the coveted status to BBC News was not taken lightly.

”It’s the EU what won it,” Nigel declared with a wink, a slop of warm ale, a drop of fag ash into a pot plant, and a smile to show what tooth whitening can do, “if they hadn’t buckled completely to British demands that they plead with Theresa May to allow them more time to prepare for a Hard Brexit, well, maybe I would have had to invent a headline about the Revoke Article 50 petition being a Russian stunt, have it totally unchallenged in the editorial room, and slap it on the front page.”

Asked how he planned to celebrate his victory Nigel smiled greedily.

”Probably shag a gullible Belgium bird and then go for a walk.”

So you’ll be joining the March 2 Leave gaggle as it struggles towards London?

”Excuse me? Ha! Ha! Hahahahahahahaha!”

Perhaps not then.

We here at LCD Views are magnificent in defeat and we congratulate the BBC News service on stooping to a disingenuous, dank and duplicitous level in complete disregard of its charter, and hitherto not seen before David Cameron jammed the organisation full of Tory placemen and placewomen.

”I know the place for a woman!”

Thank you Nigel, that’s quite enough from you.