“NHS” Covid-19 tracking app discovered to log onto social media for you and write “I love you Boris!”

TO WHAT END : The government, whatever that is these days, is pushing hard for the good citizens of the Isle of Wight to download and use the new “NHS” track and tracing app.

The app, which has not been developed by the NHS, but rather by data mining chums of Dom, is keen to know what you’re doing and to help you beat cold and flus.

“You do this by taking individually sensitive personal information and storing it in a mass database to better understand how to politically manipulate the voting public,” a pot plant*, which claims to have a good understanding of the motivations of the developers, was heard whispering in the Covid heavy breeze, “the early adopters will be reassured to know it also boosts their social media presence. It does this by cloning their accounts hundreds of times and getting involved in threads about the virus.”

Which highlights one of they key benefits of the app.

“If you’re too busy with homeschooling to go onto Facebook and type in “I LOVE YOU BORIS! YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB WITH COVID-19!”, the app can do it for you.”

Plans are also underway to upgrade the app so that it can publicly shame neighbours who don’t clap when required.

“If you know a single mother on your street with a few kids, you know she’s likely to forget to clap because she’s too knackered by 8pm. The app can shame her for you on your local social media groups.”

Why single out single mothers?

“Because the prime minister fears them,” the pot plant shrugged, “and he should know, he’s made enough of them.”

Download the app today and leave your social media accounts alone, the app will get your posting done.

*the views expressed by the pot plant are entirely its own.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *