Nigel Farage releases handy guide for telling difference between a Smoker’s Cough and Coronavirus

NEWSNIGHT INFOTAINMENT SPECIAL : Never, ever let it be said that if Britain has a hole to dig that Nigel Farage won’t be there holding a shovel.

To this end everybody’s favourite sixty a day expert is on hand to ease concerns over coughing in public in the age of Coronavirus.

Later this evening Mr Farage will personally make his 4,536th BBC appearance to information the great British public about a key issue related to Covid-19.

“British Imperial Tobacco have asked for Mr Farage’s help in keeping the public aware that there is a difference between a cough symptomatic of Covid-19 and a standard, vigorous and perfectly in infectious smoker’s cough,” an aide to Mr Farage told LCD Views.

The concern of BIT rightly centres on an anxiety that heavy smokers may start to cut back during the global pandemic, out of a concern of social isolation relating to their normal, healthy cough.

Behaviour generating social isolation has never worried Mr Farage, in fact he’s specialised in it, to the point where the entire UK is now socially isolating on its own continent.

“We all know that regularly smoking, each quarter hour, helps lungs remain healthy with the exercise inhaling and exhaling smoke and its particles involves,” the aide continued, “there is even reputable scientific advice that lungs full of smoke suffocate Clovid-19. It’s vital that people keep hammering in the coffin nails even if they aren’t self isolating. You don’t want to alarm friends, family members and colleagues by sudden changes in behaviour. That will just cause panic.”

But how can you tell the difference?

“It’s perfectly simple, as Nigel will explain while puffing away. A smoker’s cough indicates that death is potentially still years away, whereas a Covid-19 cough could mean days. Just look for the shadow of death near or behind the individual concerned and most importantly, use your common sense. Someone with the potentially deadly flu has a fever. Someone with a smoker’s cough maybe red in the face, but it’s just their blood pressure.”

Smokers are further encouraged to stockpile cigarettes, and other tobacco products now, but not to let the stockpiles last.

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