WHERE THERE’S AN ILL WILL, THERE’S A WAY: Brexit nonentity and professional rentagobshite Nigel Farage is to create more faux outrage. He is to patrol the new, underwater lorry parks in Kent to ensure that fuzzy footage of dinghies of alleged migrants reach social media.
He has adopted the title of “Clandestine Flooded Lorry Park Threat Commander”. There will not be a child playing in oversized Kentish puddles who will escape the vigilance of Captain Foghorn.
In a nice twist, the concrete wastelands which colloquially bear his name will receive his undivided attention. Expect a barrage of Farage Garage miscarriage of justice stories.
It is expected that inflatable rafts containing desperate asylum seekers will be drawn, inexorably, towards Farage. Like bees to a sweet flower, or flies to Mr Turd of Turd Hall, unfortunates from abroad are attracted to Nige.
Or maybe he loves these poor people so much, that it is actually he that is drawn to them.
“This is a total disaster!” thundered the man himself, to anyone who was willing to listen. “The government is entirely to blame. They are doing Brexit all wrong, and now the entire south-east is under water! I am personally increasing my vigilance so that nobody not dressed in a tweed suit will make land without my knowing about it!”
He took a deep drag on his Capstan Full Strength (Post-Brexit special issue), and coughed, patriotically. “The fags are a perfect defence against diseases carried by the filthy covid-riddled migrants,” he explained.
Farage paused to salute a flotilla of Great British Fish, which swam past in perfect formation, their Union Jack coloured dorsal fins breaking the surface. “Keep the flag flying, my inedible beauties!” he called, puffing out his chest.
He pulled his phone from his pocket and took a picture. “There’s a sad old man in Wokingham Asylum who loves fish pictures!” he said, pressing Send. “John Redwood, this one’s for you.”
With that he resumed his lonely vigil. Make Britain great Again!