No Covid-19 : “New Zealand is a fictional country and we can learn nothing there” – says Downing Street

LOOK INTO MY EYES : Downing Street has responded to the announcement by the fictional country New Zealand (it’s in Pacific Ocean fables and myths) by reminding Britons of an oft forgot, salient point.

“New Zealand is a fictional country and we can learn nothing there,” a Downing Street source asserted today.

“Jacinda Ardern is an imaginary construct, after the manner of Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel. There is nothing to learn by obsessing over make believe countries with fictional leaders. Especially not when it comes to Covid-19.”

The news will be welcomed by Britons, many of whom are routinely baffled by why their own country’s Covid-19 response is so world beating. And why the contracts dished out like candy for PPE always seem to go to Dom’s mates.

“No one has done more to keep his country safe than Boris ‘hic’ Johnson. He’s basically Superman. If Superman cheats on his wives, says fuck business, naps a lot and let’s an unelected advisor run the country for him. Which Superman does. We all know that.”

In accordance with the new geographical guidance maps will be updated.

“We’re going to have to remove New Zealand from the maps. We don’t want impressionable voters getting the wrong idea. Besides which, even if New Zealand was real, which it’s not, it’s an island. This explains why they were able to control Covid-19 so fast and we couldn’t. It’s nothing to do with the fictional prime minister Ardern putting public health first. Rather than using the pandemic as an opportunity to rob the country blind and enrich one’s mates. Which is exactly what the WHO advise to do.”

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