HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE : Speculation is rife this morning over the identity of the Tory MP who has had the Union Jack flag tattooed onto their face.
The move to get patriotically ink’d is believed to have followed a night of heavy drinking with the Prime Minister and may or may not have been the idea of Princess Nut Nuts, but sources are keeping tight lipped about whose idea it actually was.
“That’s because tattoo parlours are supposed to be closed at the moment,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You’ll have to wait until they’re interviewed on TV and see if you can guess. Although the tattoo is very realistic, so there is a risk they’ll just blend into the background with the giant flag hanging limply on its stunted pole in front of their bookshelf.”
There is also speculation, fuelled by insiders, that the reason for the secrecy over the identity of the male MP, who used to be a minister, and is now in his 50’s, is because of a mistake made during the actual tattooing.
“The tattoo is definitely not upside down and actually inked in the way you display a Union Jack in distress. That’s definitely not what happened. No chance the tattoo only looks happy when the short statured, chubby little floater of U.K. politics is doing a handstand.”
The Westminster bubble will continue to buzz with rumour and speculation, and Covid, but there is some happy news for whoever the mystery member of the ERG is.
“It’s an exceptionally forward looking move,” the Downing Street source said. “Boris Johnson plans to de-select all his current MPs at the next GE and just stand Union Jack flags with blue rosettes on them stead. This is the only MP with an outside chance of being selected to stand, so long as they can keep really still and thoughtless when the selection process occurs.”