Nobody told me I had to do my homework, complains schoolboy, 56

IF YOU WASTE MY TIME, I’LL WASTE YOURS: There is a good reason that young Boris Johnson has been in the lower fourth for 42 years. An excess of charisma and tastefully ruffled hair is no substitute for hard work, writes his tutor. 

“Young Mr Johnson may have had an easy existence thus far,” wrote House Master Kane Wielder. “But I would expect him to show a little more interest in his studies, and a little less interest in the pubs and fillies of Eton, if he wants to achieve the O Levels of which he is capable.” 

Boris bit back. “Nobody told me that homework was necessary,” he grumbled. “I thought it was just so the masters could make themselves look hard. Anyway I can always pay one of the other boys to do it for me!” 

Johnson’s career trajectory is well known. After a year or two of remedial classes, the school became fed up and kicked him upstairs to Oxford. This became a recurring pattern in Johnson’s life. Too posh for punishment, or at least too well connected, promotion was the only option. 

The only remaining question is, how do you kick the Prime Minister upstairs? 

“He still refuses to do his homework,” grumbled Wielder from his cosy retirement home. “There was a deal he signed, and bragged about, but he never bothered to read it. So when the downsides manifest, he lashed out. Read the first paragraph, bluff the rest, and complain he’s ill treated when his essay gets 2 out of 10. He hasn’t changed.” 

Trouble is, the current government comprises a good many upper class twits who have been indulged, like Johnson, instead of being put in their places. 

Instead, their empty heads have been filled with conspiracy theories like Brexit and an unshakeable sense of entitlement. “I’m PM, that proves that I’m the cream of the crop, wiff waff!” as Johnson himself puts it in his latest column for the Daily Propaganda.

Bless him. He did his best! 

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