Nobody works harder than me, says man known to sleep on the job

STRAINING EVERY SINEW: Working day and night to avoid scrutiny is not an easy job. Who can blame Crime Minister Boris Johnson, for needing to take the occasional power nap during the working day?

For example, a typical Wednesday morning for Johnson starts as early as 11.30am. His dedication to the cause is demonstrated by the fact that he puts on yesterday’s clothes, and doesn’t bother combing his hair. These moves are designed to save precious time.

He will then rush to the House of Commons after foregoing a second Full English breakfast, while fortifying himself with a few stiff G&Ts in his chauffeur driven limousine.

After that, he sacrifices a whole hour of his precious time to the traditional ritual of dodging Keir Starmer’s forensic questioning. After that, any man would need a swift forty winks.

By 4.30 he is ready to rouse himself for another Herculean effort. A couple of large brandies later, and he is ready to surround himself with flags and toadies to address the Great British Public. Once again, he makes a monumental effort to avoid the issues and to promise to take full personal responsibility for something or other.

Once again, he permits his cosy coterie of client journalists to lob him a few easy questions, for form’s sake. It takes a lot of nerve and skill to waffle meaninglessly on the spot, so another decent nap is on the cards.

By 8.00pm, he is once more awake, and by now hungry enough to tackle a modest 6-course banquet and a case of Champagne. On completion of this barely adequate repast, he now tackles his red boxes. A man of detail, he delegates the detail to someone else and reads the 2-page summary in large print. Adequately prepared for the following day, and by now mentally exhausted, it’s finally bedtime. He likes to relax with a couple of busty blonde fillies before taking a mere 12 hours of sleep.

There just aren’t enough hours in the day.

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