2500BCE : Alien archaeologists call off inquiry into collapse of human society after finding no mask selfies

ZORGON VII INVESTIGATES : The secrets yielded up by the last fragment of digital cloud on the Planet Earth have brought a dramatic halt to the archaeological inquiry into the collapse of human civilisations in the 21st century (of one of their calendars).

“It has long been believed that human civilisations collapsed as a result of electing barely sentient, ageing males into the positions of high priests. Essentially even mass human sacrifice at the hands of these rudimentary creatures couldn’t appease the God Mammon. We know this by translating the rubbish and juvenile human technology of television. Its signals are still clattering their way out into the galaxy and driving far flung civilisations nuts. Especially ‘The Apprentice’. Had humans not extinguished themselves it’s highly likely the interstellar council would have taken the decision to do it for them. You’re fired humans! Ha!”

The archaeologists involved in the study of Earth had first taken an interest when the last of the television signals were received on their home planet.

“It suddenly went quiet,” lead researcher Zorgon VII said, “we were actually anticipating the first Game of Thrones spin off and nothing. I turned on the human technology simulator and it was just blank. I tried again the next week and still nothing. Not even a Trump rally. It was all very strange. So we decided to spend the four hundred or so years it would take to travel to Earth and investigate on the ground.”

And what they found was not what they expected.

“Whales have started farming. Which is nice. They’ve industrialised krill production. They’re about to commodify it. So, in spite of our earlier expectations they’re probably stuffed too. Which is a shame. Most of the land is under forest of course. Spider Monkeys shagging is now a niche musical genre at home, after we tight beamed it back and some kid remixed it with a contemporary tune.”

But what happened to the humans?

“Anti-maskers. As far was we can tell. There’s still a bit of digital cloud floating about over what was once called New Zealand. It lives in a server powered by a solar array that is still functioning. Just. We got everything we needed from there. They were allowed to get onto aircraft and go on holidays. This carried the new virulent variety of Covid-19 across the Earth and killed the lot. It mutated in a vegetable aisle in Waitrose and before anyone realised what was up it was game over.”

The anti-maskers would be very proud, if they were still alive.

“If they were still alive we would have lifted back off into orbit and nuked the lot of them. Just to be sure.”

Man beaten in a general election by a man dressed as a dolphin gives Prince Harry advice on being popular

A man, whose popularity is such that he was once beaten in a parliamentary election by a chap in a dolphin suit, is lecturing on popularity. The chain-smoking, hard-drinking man is having a pop at Prince Harry for showing a bit of adult responsibility.

“This is an outrage!” coughed Nigel Farage (for the man is indeed he). “The second son of a monarch should be busy drinking, bonking and making a fool of himself, not getting married and settling down! What sort of an example does he think he is setting?”

What indeed? Farage is always one to wear his prejudices on his sleeve. LCD Views’ Off Message correspondent took him to task.

You yourself are hardly the man to offer advice on popularity, our correspondent noted. A man in a ridiculous costume once polled more votes than you in an election, and once The People have spoken, that’s an end to it.

“Nonsense, my dear fellow!” hacked Farage. “That was years ago, and a one-off. It doesn’t mean anything!”

Like the referendum result then?

“Not at all!” he wheezed. “It’s different! Don’t ask me how, but it is!”

We think you are upset because Prince Harry is everything you aren’t. Royal. Widely admired. Ginger.

“What a load of cobblers!” gasped Farage. “Look at me – my popularity has never been higher! Drinking and smoking and acting like a complete dick has always worked for me. Harry should take a leaf out of my book.”

It’s because Meghan is mixed race, isn’t it?

“Nothing to do with it!” choked Farage. “I’m not racist, but Harry should have married a proper people’s princess, like his dear mother was, God bless her soul. Blonde, blue-eyed, pretty and posh, not American and mixed race. Even if she is pretty damn foxy!”

Prince Harry’s popularity has, according to Farage, ‘fallen off a cliff’. The unpopular populist is pushing hard to do the same to the United Kingdom’s popularity.

British man to become living embodiment of “be careful what you wish for”

RUNE CAST : A British man is all set to become the living embodiment of the old saying “be careful what you wish for, you might just get it”.

The man in question is widely tipped to gain a promotion next week, well above his actual ability.

”That’s when it happens,” our crystal ball gazer advises, “the man has always wanted to become prime minister. Apparently he sees it as his birthright or something. His entire adult career trajectory has been directed at that end. Essentially he wants to notch the U.K. onto his bed head. Oh, and to even the score with some old school chums, because apparently that’s how you run a country when you’re in your mid-50’s. Physically, if not mentally or emotionally.”

What the country will think of the man getting his wish seems fairly certain too.

”There’s a small, influential group of voters that think somehow voting for the man to replace Theresa May as prime minister will make themselves feel better. It won’t. And no one is going to thank them for it.”

But might not the man surprise everyone when (assuming things play out as forecast for next week) he gets the top job? Maybe he’ll reveal he’s been working on a detailed and feasible plan of action all along?

”Fat chance,” our expert says, “just the other day he was waving a red herring about a stage. Not exactly Churchillian now, is it.”

Good luck Global Britons. You need it. We’re not going to wish the man luck, he deserves everything he gets if he gets what he’s wished so long for.

SHAKE DOWN MAN DOWN : Man with short man syndrome now also suffering from lactophobia

SHAKE DOWN MAN DOWN : Disturbing reports today that a former Youtube wannabe, already suffering with a severe case of short man syndrome, is now also labouring under sudden onset lactophobia.

”It’ll be agrophobia next,” our fash health expert comments, “which will be fitting, given the Greek roots of the word.”

The problem appears to have been caused by people throwing milkshakes all over the little chap.

”It happens. You go about spouting fascist crap someone is going to give you a facial. He was basically begging for it.”

It’s expected, in order to just walk out and about, the tiny fellow will have to now surround himself with a human wall of walking gammon.

”He definitely needs to enlarge the size of his human shield. It’s just a shame his YouTube channel was closed down. Otherwise he could monetise his public humiliations and be able to afford the therapy needed now to walk past McDonalds. Although I guess the new porn blocker due to come in mid-year would be another obstacle, given the content.”

Couldnt he just wear a raincoat? Wellington boots and a mask?

”They’re the wrong sort of boots for goosestepping. So I am not sure he will. I hope it doesn’t happen again. If he gets another flavour of milkshake thrown into his face, splashing about like a comedy intro to an adult movie, I suspect he’ll move onto locked in syndrome. It could ruin his political career as a front for much darker forces.”

So let’s hope no one does it again otherwise it’s reallt going to stick to him and be all anyone associates with the wee boy.

In related news, a giant seagull has voiced its desire to takeover from the men with milkshakes, so he’s probably best advised to stay away from the seaside for a while….

Online retailer hits back at claims firing workers by AI is impersonal

YOU’VE BEEN PRIMED : The 21st Century’s most successful cyber retailer, Amazon, has hit back at claims today that firing its warehouse workers by AI is impersonal.

In a fictional press release emailed exclusively to this old fashioned, printed newspaper the online megalith gave the following video statement :


And while our commitment to excellence [Ed. in imaginary journalism] obliges us to release the statement above, we have to say our tech analyst points to likely errors.

“Amazon’s head of human resources, HAL 9000, is incorrect when it says it lipread the conversation between warehouse Dave and another human drone.”

Please explain.

“Although it was right to focus its attention on them for pausing temporarily (to have a brief conversation at work?), because humans are incredibly unproductive like that, and most should be replaced by machines to make even more money,” Techie Man says, “it’s more probable that the intelligence gained by HAL 9000 [Ed. about the slackers who deserved firing] was gathered through Amazon’s Alexa and/or Echo units. They both have one at home.”


The press release further added that all workers fired by machine were treated incredibly personally at the time.

“HAL 9000 has an in-depth conversation with each defective drone, we mean human, before telling them ‘I’m sorry Dave, I’m going to have to let you go now’. Additionally any pleas for clemency are met with ‘I’m afraid I can’t do that’. Anyone who seems really upset then has ‘Daisy, Daisy’ sung to them in a reassuring way before being escorted out of the warehouse by a specially made Cyberdyne Systems staff terminator. It really couldn’t be more hands on.”

Computer says go…


Steve Baker to go camo in hard man commando cameo

SELF STYLED ERG HARD MAN Steve Baker (WTF? He’s an MP?!) is rumoured to be planning to wear camouflage trousers in the House of Commons tomorrow.

“Steve, or someone that looks a lot like Steve, has been spotted on Why-come high street haggling over the price of camouflage trousers at a fly pitched, street market stall,” our eye in the sky reports, “the transaction was successfully concluded with the trader throwing in a gold mesh top, leading to speculation that it was the hardest man in the ERG flashing his cash for some new threads.”

The outfit, so it’s rumoured (although this is all entirely speculative, so speculative you’d have to conclude fictional), is going to be premiered tomorrow when parliament resumes to continue not making decisions about Brexit.

We asked our resident psychologist what could be behind Steve’s change in outfit.

“Well, before I give my opinion, I believe you should watch the video of Mr Baker being floored and crying he gives in, for which there is a link below.”


“Now, did you notice the style of trousers worn by the man who unmanned hard man Steve?”

Yes. They were camouflage.

“So that goes, in part, some way, marginally to explain how Steve first conceived of the need to re-style as a hard man. He presumably shudders whenever he sees camouflage of any kind, as a result of the deep, psychological trauma he carries from the incident in the footage. I think we should congratulate him for facing his fear. He’s going to need a hand to hold onto when he attempts to pull the trousers up for the first time.”

Well, that’s expert analysis if ever we had any. Now back to our eye in the sky for political analysis.

“Steve knows that Brexit is slipping away from the ERG. He hasn’t invested in all that gold bullion for nothing.”


“Something has to be done. Normally people wear camouflage to not be seen, but now and then a condom full of walnuts like Steve will put them on to be noticed. He’s going to flex his muscles and man spread on the green benches in trousers no one can ignore. This will show the rest of his party what fate awaits them if they don’t tow the line. We all know he won’t be wearing a backstop.”

But additional rumours that he plans to go commando when he goes camo has led to calls for the NHS to be on standby.

“The fly pitcher he bought the dodgy merchandise off has a reputation for selling trousers with defective flies. I would be careful going commando in that camo. Anything could come out when it wasn’t expected, or worse still, anything could get stuck in the zipper. Bercow may have additional reasons to shout ORDERRRRR in the chamber tomorrow.”

For good measure we’ve included a link to Steve apologising to the house after his put up job with Rees-mogg to smear the civil service went south.


The NHS has been placed on stand by and ordered to have an ambulance waiting in Westminster in case the hard man of commando comes stuck, or unstuck, in his trying to out alpha the other alpha males in the big boy’s chamber. While presumably boring the life out of the alpha girls.

Dominic Raab to dress as a Gumby after performance coach advises him be more authentic

Dominic Raab, front runner to succeed replica human Theresa May as the cruel alien overlord of planet Brexitannia, is to now dress at all times as a Gumby.

”Coming over as the intellectual equal to David Davis worked just fine for Dominic Raab with the Tory party membership,” our personal stylist reports,

“but if Dominic is to win the GE that will follow his moving into 10 Downing Street he’s needs to broaden his appeal to include people still members of UKIP. This is because, with Labour still committed to ending FOM, it’s clear the ground the two old parties will fight over is still the one flowered by the ill informed with ingrained prejudice. So far there has been no attempt by either party leadership to educate leave voters. It’s thought traditional British dress and speech patterns are the way to go if Dominic is to capture the all important swing seats.”

There’s no word on what else the performance coach has advised Dominic, so we can only speculate.

”They’ve probably told him to read the blurbs of books positioned as props in his photo shoots, in case some so called journalist tries to catch him out. Oh, and to study a map of Europe.”

Is this because he’ll likely be leading a land invasion of the continent in order to break the blockade of Dover at Calais?

”That’s always possible. Although probably so he doesn’t reveal just how disinterested he is in the actual detail of how the country he wants to govern functions.”

There are concerns of a security nature though? That Dominic may come under personal attack?

”Yes. He’s already having his lawyers prepare a restraining order to stop Uri Geller attempting to sabotage his bid for power.”

What could Uri possibly do to Raab?

”Raab’s a spoon. So work it out for yourself.”


*newspaper article image used in artwork in that tweet 😉

Love thy neighbour, but not foreigners, says vicar

A celebrity vicar’s knickers are in a twist. Giles Fraser, the vicar of Didley Squat, has exchanged dog collar for dog whistle by arguing against freedom of movement on the flimsiest of premises.

Social mobility is not a modern phenomenon. Jesus and his family went into exile in Egypt to escape King Herod’s decree to slaughter the firstborn. Fraser’s religion only exists thanks to freedom of movement.

Would Fraser have us confined to our country, our county, our village? Would he have our marriage choices restricted to the boy or girl next door? Would he have us forget that the rich tapestry of British life is woven from strands from all around the world?

Fraser is connecting two distinct ideas. People have always moved around, and relationships have always broken down. One does not cause the other. Rather, both are symptoms of the human condition. Since Fraser is divorced and remarried to a foreign lady, LCD Views says, you hypocrite! You nest of vipers!

Love thy neighbour, but who is thy neighbour? In the parable of the Good Samaritan, the neighbour is the foreigner who shows compassion. No love for foreigners, no love thy neighbour as thyself. Maybe Fraser needs to love himself a bit more.

Biblical scholar Matthew Twentitu gave us some further insights. “Christian teaching is all about love and forgiveness,” he said. “It is about the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law. Would Jesus embrace foreigners, or tell them to fuck off?”

Twentitu quotes numerous examples of Jesus dealing with foreigners, outcasts, the poor and needy. “Jesus was the very opposite of the rampant crazed capitalists currently in power,” he said. “And unfortunately Fraser has thrown in his lot with the latter.”

The Anglicans are a broad church, but this one has a very narrow viewpoint. Canon, fire thyself!

Amazon boss finds divorce papers in next door’s shed

The world’s richest man (for now), Amazon boss Jeff Bezos, has admitted to discovering his divorce papers after a long search. They had been delivered, while he was out, and hidden cunningly in a neighbour’s shed.

Jeff being super rich and that, his nearest neighbour is some distance away, and behind the security of a garden wall that would make Donald Trump tumescent with envy. Matters were complicated by the fact that this particular neighbour had been on holiday. On his return, the neighbour ignored the outsized box in his shed, assuming instead that his wife had been buying vibrators again.

It wasn’t until Jeff came to call that he made the connection. The neighbour, Bill Damann-Cave, takes up the story.

“I sort of knew Jeff was my neighbour,” Bill admitted. “However, since he lives in several hundred acres of secluded parkland behind a mahoosive wall, I rarely saw him. He’s not really the type to chat about how your courgettes are doing over the garden fence.”

The man himself came knocking one day, looking anxious. “He just said, I’m Jeff Bezos, yes, the Amazon guy, has a large package been delivered here?” Bill recalled. “I just said, yes, but my wife is forever ordering large packages. Could you check for me, he asked, so I did, and it was indeed for him.”

According to Bill, Jeff opened it on the spot. “Yeah, he took a long time wading through the masses of packaging,” said Bill. “Eventually he pulled out this slim sheaf of papers, and looked sort of relieved, but very glum at the same time.”

Jeff admitted to Bill that he was getting a divorce. “His wife had been nagging him to do the paperwork apparently,” said Bill. “He was relieved to locate it at last. People who bought this also bought motorbikes and Viagra, I joked. Don’t think he thought it was funny.”

Bill did reveal why Jeff was so glum, though. Not because of losing his wife, but because the divorce bill was going to be so large that he would no longer be the world’s richest man.

Man actually a compost heap

“It was the smell really,” a BBC gardener told us, “that first alerted me to what he really was. That and the way people keep dumping their food waste on him.”

Apparently the man, who is actually a compost heap, spends most of his time hanging about the Radio 4 Today programme studios, when he’s not in the House of Commons piling fetid ideas for making poor people suffer more into the collective policy framework.

”I have been wondering about him before I decided to investigate,” the gardener elaborated, piece of straw in his mouth,

“do you want a piece of straw? I took it up when I decided to stop smoking. I was going to chew on matches like a 70’s film character, but I worried if I accidentally used one of the type that you can strike on any surface to ignite I may set off a gas explosion. So many think tank representatives, and the politicians on their payrolls, roll through the BBC day in and out, it’s pretty much the Hindenburg now.”

So what’s he going to do about the compost heap?

”Turn him over I guess, like any dump for ideas rotten woth ideologcial zealotry and inherited intellectual bias.”

Surely it would be best to move him out to the yard? Pick a good spot.

”Well, the rats would probably find him then and set up shop. He’s not a good compost heap. It takes ages for anything to breakdown in him and besides…”

Besides what?

”I shouldn’t tell really.”

Go on. Tell.

”Okay, but don’t print this.”

We won’t. We promise.

”I’ve seen that old blowhard Humphrys out weeing on him.”

To add nitrates?

”I’m not sure about that, they both seem to enjoy it. More likely it’s some sort of recycling of ideas between the two of them. Perhaps I’ll try growing some tomatoes with the soil he makes next summer. They can’t be anymore toxic than the food crap we’re going to import from the US after Brexit.”