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Matt Hancock’s new NHS app to come with tone control

Mind your language: the new NHS app doesn’t just identify proximity to covid-19 sufferers. It doesn’t just give “Classic” Dom Cummings and his merry troupe of Vote Leave conmen unprecedented access to your personal data. It now teaches you manners.

The app constantly listens in to your conversations. It is programmed to respond when a man and a woman are talking. At the first sign of the women becoming assertive, the voice of Matt Hancock himself will emerge to remind her of her place. Stock phrases are believed to include “moderate your tone, dear”, “get back into the kitchen”, and “calm down, dear, it’s only a conversation”.

One of the app’s developers was due to give us an interview, but, very unfortunately, before he could do so, the nation’s mainstream media discovered that he had once taken a non-essential journey, and vilified him across the front pages.

Another developer was unable to talk due to feminine modesty.

In the end Hancock’s right hand man, Andy Shandy, gave us the official line. He’s a bit of a wanker, and does the occasional job for Little Matt, but had the inside track on the tracking app.

“There’s absolutely nothing sinister going on,” he claimed brightly and not altogether convincingly. “Manners Maketh Man, and women should be seen and not heard. Victorian Values are coming back, thanks to Brexit, and it can all be achieved under the disguise of fighting covid-19.”

Isn’t this all, well, sexist, in the modern era?

“We are taking back control,” he explained, talking slowly as if to a lady. “Stay home, stay safe, have dinner on the table by six o’clock sharp, lie back and think of England. Do your duty for the good of mankind!”

Otherwise men will be forced to break lockdown to get their end away with someone more willing, get pissed, and play golf with other Telegraph readers.

“Exactly,” said Shandy.

And if a man doesn’t play golf?

“Then he’s clearly not one of us,” he replied. “Filthy working class scum, needs to be locked down for his own good. Rules are there for a reason you know.”

The app is also programmed to recognise regional accents. In this case, Matt Hancock’s voice will warn, “Know your place!”

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CV-19 : “Not fair to compare UK death rates with other countries” because “they’re not run by fucking idiots”

ALT HEALTH : A SPOKESMAN CLAIMING TO TALK FOR DOWNING STREET HAS PROVIDED AN UPDATE ON THE GROWING DILEMMA OVER HOW TO COMPARE UK’S EURO WINNING COVID-19 DEATH RATES WITH OTHER COUNTRIES.

“Clearly we’re not going to compare our stats with the Martians,” Hurd Immunitee told LCD Views, “because there’s no CV-19 there. Not that we know of. But then the Martians are very secretive. You never know what they’re up to. They also have a disproportionate social distancing policy of 179.68 million miles. The inalienable right of Martian men and women to travel the solar system has long been crushed. And we’re not going down that path. In fact I deplore people who suggest we should. Just think of the damage to the economy? Well, not the bodybag and furnace economy clearly. But the other economy.”

But in spite of the clarity some traitors are still insisting on making comparisons between Boris “take it on the chin” Johnson’s sweep through and shut the barn door after approach, and places like Germany, South Korea, Taiwan, Australia, Poland and so on.

“Firstly, don’t bring Poland into it. What do plumbers know about infectious diseases?” the Downing Street Tory Boy looked a little baffled, “certainly not as much as the guy in contempt of parliament over data misuse in a referendum. He’s the expert.”

Who else should we ignore?

“The Germans. They lost the war one thousand years before the vast majority of them were even born, so it’s clear they can’t teach us anything about public health crises. And don’t get me started on the South Koreans. Kimchi is a powerful anti-viral agent. Even knows that already. It’s a pity they point blank refuse to export it. As to Taiwan? Well, no one lives there. The entire place is a mirage built by the Chinese to justify an aggressive military posture in the Pacific. And Australia? Ha! Rubbing cricket balls with sandpaper does not an epidemiology policy make!”

How about we compare the UK to the USA?

“Why would we do that?”

Because they’re both run by fucking idiots.

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Doctor Rosena Allin-Khan accused of breaking MPs Code of Conduct after questioning a man in parliament

WATCH YOUR TONE : OVER QUALIFIED HEALTH SECRETARY AND ALL ROUND CAREER POLITICIAN, MATT HANCOCK, AGED 6, was on the receiving end of some pretty bloody savage and unladylike behaviour today in parliament.

From witness accounts newly promoted Labour Shadow Cabinet Minister for Mental Health, Tooting MP, Doctor Rosena Allin-Khan took to Matt ‘tone deaf’ Hancock like “a mad woman that has been allowed to stay up too late, partake of too many enlivening spirits (and other elixirs) and plainly wear too much red clothing”.

The encounter occurred during a socially distanced parliament session when the medical doctor, with extensive experience in the field, dared to ask factual questions of Matt Hancock regarding the Covid-19 furore.

“Who does she think she is?” an aide (working as Matt’s nanny) who changes Matt ‘https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/nhs-privatisation-donations-matt-hancock-health-secretary-institute-economic-affairs-a8442001.html‘ Hancock’s nappies demanded to know.

“She comes into the men’s bar and shouts for hard liquor? It is just not on. She will be wearing trousers next. Just because a woman has the capacity for 100K words a day, it does not give them an excuse to use them. They aren’t Cororavirus tests.”

Senior Conservatives have been quick to rally to Matt’s defence, pointing out that it was “bloody obvious things would degenerate to this degree once women were taught to read”.

It is believed the committee overseeing MPs conduct is to investigate the shameful public behaviour of the Tooting doctor.

“It’s a clear breach of parliamentary standards. Not only the attempt to hold the government to account over its factual record, something we became unused to during the Che Corbyn years, but a woman addressing a man with such a disrespectful tone? Why, the very pillars of civilisation are at stake. It does not matter how high the unnecessary Covid-19 death toll in the UK is. If women forget their place we are all doomed. Is no one thinking of the children?”

The government is additionally urged to strengthen social distancing rules for women. David Cameron is to be consulted, having extensive experience in the field with wild women.

“Calm down dear,” the aide continued, “Britain’s second best Prime Minister knew how to handle an excited female. They are too emotional for the bear pit of politics. Too blind to reason.”

Boris Johnson is thought to be resisting calls to demand Keir Starmer sack the Tooting MP and “send her packing back to the Covid-19 front line”, as that would mean he would have to directly address Keir Starmer. A move he is determined to delay for as long as possible.

Mr Hancock himself is said to be “attempting to forget the embarrassing display” and spending time remembering his invocation of the WW2 dead to support his bid to be Tory leader.

“Dominic Raab has offered to deputise for little Matty next time,” the aide adds, “that won’t be necessary. We will be strengthening the social distancing rules for women to ‘seen and not heard’. Which was of course the inalienable right of British men before the weaker sex was given the vote.”

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“NHS” Covid-19 tracking app discovered to log onto social media for you and write “I love you Boris!”

TO WHAT END : The government, whatever that is these days, is pushing hard for the good citizens of the Isle of Wight to download and use the new “NHS” track and tracing app.

The app, which has not been developed by the NHS, but rather by data mining chums of Dom, is keen to know what you’re doing and to help you beat cold and flus.

“You do this by taking individually sensitive personal information and storing it in a mass database to better understand how to politically manipulate the voting public,” a pot plant*, which claims to have a good understanding of the motivations of the developers, was heard whispering in the Covid heavy breeze, “the early adopters will be reassured to know it also boosts their social media presence. It does this by cloning their accounts hundreds of times and getting involved in threads about the virus.”

Which highlights one of they key benefits of the app.

“If you’re too busy with homeschooling to go onto Facebook and type in “I LOVE YOU BORIS! YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB WITH COVID-19!”, the app can do it for you.”

Plans are also underway to upgrade the app so that it can publicly shame neighbours who don’t clap when required.

“If you know a single mother on your street with a few kids, you know she’s likely to forget to clap because she’s too knackered by 8pm. The app can shame her for you on your local social media groups.”

Why single out single mothers?

“Because the prime minister fears them,” the pot plant shrugged, “and he should know, he’s made enough of them.”

Download the app today and leave your social media accounts alone, the app will get your posting done.

*the views expressed by the pot plant are entirely its own.

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Study finds economic hit of CV-19 still less than letting Southern Rail run a train service

STANDING ON PLATFORMS IN WINTER WAITING : A STUDY BY THE ESTEEMED ECONOMIC INSTITUTE OF MADE UP IDEAS has revealed that although unavoidably devastating, the economic hit coming from Covid-19 is not as bad as it seems.

“We proved this by a comparative study of perennial problems afflicting the UK, contrasted against the terrible damage being caused by the novel Coronavirus,” lead researcher, Professor Thomas Tank, told LCD Views, “we all know the list of problems that are encountered by honest, hardworking Brits in their daily lives. The fucking trains being one of the major ones. Or rather, which used to be encountered. Presumably we can all have those interminably frustrating moments back down the line. And be grateful for them, in a grim way.”

And delving through the mass of tables and charts cited by the study one thing becomes very clear. Badly run mass transport is one of the biggest reasons for the productivity crisis in the UK, relative to most of continental Europe.

More hours are lost by people due to late running or cancelled train services, and by the last hour of each working day being dedicated to the complex strategic planning needed to pick exactly the right moment to travel (in the hope of there being a train), than are caused by the fact that some small business owners still insist on using FAX machines.

“Just letting Southern Rail run a train service costs the UK taxpayer financially, mentally, emotionally, productivity wise and in lost time incalculably more than Covid-19 ever will.”

That’s what the professor says, and he’s a quack.

Well, it’s a good thing that a bad train service, focused primarily on shareholder profits and not the lives of the people forced to use it, is not contagious.

“How London centric of you.”

What do you mean?

“You clearly have never caught any other privatised UK train service.”

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WHO recommends putting Coronavirus lockdown protestors on island together and coming back later

28 DAYS LATER : The World Health Organisation has found itself drawn into the controversy surrounding groups protesting lockdowns.

“It seems to be a hitherto unseen symptom of the virus,” Professor M D, chief medic leading the WHO’s response to the plague, told LCD Views, “the countries which experienced Covid-19 early did not have these symptoms in their body public. But the UK and USA especially, it is very alarming.”

The prevailing belief is that the virus may have mutated once it reached both the Mother of Parliaments and the Land of the Free.

“It is interesting, from an academic point of view,” the Professor mused, “the internet allows people to turn to trusted authorities, not necessarily their governments, and determine if an assertion is factual or not, and do so in seconds. But as we saw with first Brexit, and then Trump, just because the capacity for clarity is available, it does not mean that people will use it.”

But what is recommended for governments facing lockdown protests?

“In the UK I would sit the Covidiots (the medical term for those suffering from the condition) down and force them to read out the names of the NHS workers who have died, after contracting CV-19, while trying to save the lives of people gravely ill with the virus. In America? Oh my God? Just be glad the protestors are white, otherwise the bloodbath would not have been delayed two to fourteen days.”

And there are further measures being put forward that the respective governments can pursue.

“Our official advice is for both countries to put all the protestors on an island together and come back later.”

The Caribbean island of Mustique has been suggested by the WHO for lockdown protestors.

And how much later?

“Enough time to work out what the hell is going on. Which will be as long as it takes to develop a vaccine for stupid.”

Oh, so never.

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Soldier still fighting WW2 discovered in the jungles of Essex

It’s a jungle out there! A brave, patriotic soldier has been discovered, who is still fighting World War Two. The location is the impenetrable jungle in south-eastern Albion, known locally as “Essex”.

The man was discovered in full, if dirty, fatigues in Kingley Wood. He carried a loaded rifle, and took our reporter into custody in an old,  hollowed out oak tree, before consenting to grant an interview.

“Whose side you on?” he demanded, jabbing your reporter with his rusty bayonet. “Churchill or Fritz? You can’t trust anyone these days!”

I’m an Englishman, said the reporter, and anyway we are all on the same side these days.

“Nonsense! You’re a German spy! I speak German, you know, so you’ve been warned!” He moved the blunt point of the bayonet up to neck level. “Vot ist you in zis vood doink?”

Really, the war has been over for 75 years, put the rifle down and come home.

“You don’t fool me!” he shouted through his clenched teeth and advancing with a slightly constipated expression on his face.

Look, could you move away a bit, we are supposed to be keeping two metres apart at the moment.

“Typical Jerry trick!” he spluttered. “Don’t you cough on me, I’m part of the invincible English Army!”

Look, there are no Germans, and your government needs a brave, patriotic soldier like you to give the country a boost.

“No! They could attack at any moment!” he cried. “They will swarm in from Southend-on-Sea and overrun the country so it looks like Chelmsford when Poundland has a sale on!”

Your reporter, by now fed up, pushed the gun barrel to one side and left.

“Come back, you traitor! You’re going to betray me to the enemy!” He trained the rifle, steadied himself, pulled the trigger. The old gun clicked, but did not fire.

Enquiries locally revealed that an old lady, who claimed to be the soldier’s mother, would take pies to the wood daily, but nobody would be quoted on this. Doors slammed, net curtains twitched, and the little village assumed an air of silent menace.

“Are you local?” No. Fearing repercussions, your reporter narrowly escaped on the number 452 bus.

Pig-headed, out of touch, and still fighting The War, the government could learn much from this man.

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Boris Johnson’s doctor says he can’t face Starmer at PMQ’s because “bone spurs”

A FRIDGE! A FRIDGE! MY KINGDOM FOR A FRIDGE! : Those waiting for Boris Johnson to face Kier Starmer at Wednesday PMQ’s are in for a long wait it seems after the Prime Minister produced a note from his personal physician.

LCD Views has seen the fictional note and our non-existent handwriting expert has confirmed that the writing is “definitely not Boris Johnson’s and definitely that of Doctor Anon”.

Whether or not Dominic Raab will take well the news that he will continue to deputise for his boss isn’t yet clear.

“Raab will cope,” a source inside Dom’s weightlifting set told LCD Views, “he’s spending most of his time looking in the mirror asking ‘Are you looking at me? Well? Punk. Well? There’s nobody else here’, before flexing his biceps and imagining giving Starmer a wedgie.”

The intervention from the medic is timely as Mr Johnson can only take so many free holidays, spend so much time in ICU, so much time recovering after ICU, only see so many babies delivered (well, maybe not, given the prodigious bull that sires them), before he will be expected to face the new LOTO.

“It’s a bit rum Labour electing a guy that can actually do the job of holding the government to account,” a source inside Downing Street complained, “Starmer just takes the nonsense Raab throws at him and turns it into a cream pie. He then throws it back in Raab’s face. Heaven help us if Boris starts improvising in front of him.”

But the danger will be avoided for the foreseeable future.

“Given the condition no one in their right mind could expect Mr Johnson to stand up at PMQs and face the music,” the source went on, “facing the music is not a skill he has anyway. But that’s alright. He was just born lucky.”

And what is the condition that reasonably excuses Mr Johnson from PMQs on and on?

“Why bone spurs of course.”

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Trump would have “taking out” armed white militia if they’d kneeled in government building protest

THE 1930’S IS SO 2010’S AND 20’S : PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and all round draft dodger, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to add a note of caution to the heavily armed protests occurring in America’s state legislatures.

“I just want everyone to know I know a lot about protesting limits to my personal freedoms to help people I don’t know,” the President began tweeting, shortly after 6am, “I know more about it than almost anyone. Ask anyone. I’ve been pro testing most of my life. Some say my whole life has been a test. And I’ve passed it folks. Flying colours. They tell me my colours are flying. I don’t know if they use an airline or a helicopter. I’m going to look into it.”

And with the intro over he got down to the meat(head) of the message.

“There’s nothing brown shirted about ordinary, patriotic, white American men invading state legislatures. It’s not at all like the early years of fascism in Germania. They have a right to take semi-automatic, military grade weapons into places where decisions are being made that decide if unarmed people live or die from the foreign flu. There’s nothing more American.”

But in spite of his relaxed attitude to the intimidation of law and order, he did have a note of warning.

“Just so long as no one kneels! If they start nealing it’s a threat! It’s basically terrorism. Threatening to take people’s knees is nasty. Knee caps are to be worn on your head. Or in your knees.”

In response the locally formed, rag tag, thick as pigshit militias said it’s okay, they were “only being sarcastic.”

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“I have passed my peak and it’s all downhill from here” – PM to reassure anxious nation

WE WILL FAIL THEM ON THE BEACHES AND IN THE CARE HOMES : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, AL TO HIS FRIENDS, IS EXPECTED to reassure an anxious United Kingdom in a major speech, later today.

The speech has a capacity to be 100,000 words long, which is all that matters, not how long it actually turns out to be.

“It’s okay. We’ll crowdsource the extra words from the party faithful, and from Dom’s army of fake Twitter accounts,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “most of the speech will be a mishmash of barely understood and distinctly misapplied Churchillian references and Ancient Greek. Maybe some Latin if Boris is feeling wistful. And then claim victory. Our ICU’s were never overwhelmed. Just don’t ask why.”

The speech is further expected to hit the right notes, at the right time, and the impact of the speech will be a victory. It will be spoken about in WW2 metaphors and hopefully a few veterans will be co-opted to make anyone tempted to criticise the oratory feel so guilty they keep quiet. That will also be a victory.

“Everyone will understand that Boris has been victorious,” the source went on, “and he’ll wrap it up by revising an ancient and traditional British chant.”

Two World Wars And One World Cup?

“Precisely. That’ll see off any questions about how Germany managed to deal with Covid-19 so much better than Blighty, so far. We were following the science. That’s a victory too. Mostly for setting up scientists as fall guys for when we need to claim victory in the aftermath.”

Tune in and tune out.