Day release convict labour scheme launched so May won’t have to face firing Boris even if he goes down for alleged crimes against democracy

Theresa May’s government has enjoyed a welcome respite from criticism today with broad approval of the new day release convict labour plan, launched so Ms May won’t have to face firing Boris Johnson even if he goes down for crimes against democracy.

“We’re getting ahead of the curve on this one, allegedly,” Downing Street insider, Ms A Potplant, told us during an afternoon session at a Westminster tanning salon, “make sure you roll over regularly so you get evenly tanned.”

We determined to keep that in mind.

“No one is suggesting Boris Johnson has committed any crimes,” Ms Potplant continued, “but just on the outside, extreme, hypothetical that the investigations into Cambridge Analytica and Leave EU do eventually lead to senior members of the cabinet being questioned about any potential, alleged criminality in the leave campaign, Ms May is correct to ensure she has a backstop plan in place.”

Under the scheme new prisoners will be released on a day release plan to fill the yawning holes appearing in the British labour market following the decision to do Brexit, no matter how stupid that decision is.

“It’s baffling why people don’t want to come here anymore,” Ms Potplant mused, “I mean, it’s not like they’ll forget to go back where they came from. The Home Office will see to that, even if they’re not ready yet.”

But isn’t focusing on the labour gaps just a cover for the real reason, which is so Ms May never has to face firing Boris Johnson from the cabinet, no matter how ridiculous and incompetent his actions?

“Correct, but play that down. It’s the hidden lead, it better be so well hidden no one cottons onto it. Please don’t make it the headline or people might rumble us.”

What crimes could Boris allegedly be in the dock for?

“He’s already in the dock of public opinion, and convicted, for crimes against democracy, but there’s very little chance he’s done anything criminal other than be a figurehead for the wholesale economic, civil and diplomatic destruction of the United Kingdom.”

Is that a crime though?

“I don’t know. I think it bloody well should be!’

We won’t print that.

Please don’t. What’s that smell?

“We forgot to roll over.”

Home Office praised after dangerous fantasist stripped of citizenship for too much time spent flying business class

The Home Office was having to deal with the unusual sensation of praise today after a dangerous fantasist was stripped of citizenship for too much time spent abroad flying business class in pursuit of ends that are clearly damaging to the UK.

”We had to act to protect the country’s interests,” Mr Tooth Tiger told LCD Views as we rode up one of the many elevators inside The Shard building near London Bridge.

The interview took place inside an elevator in the new and already iconic London landmark as we were ostensibly there to witness a Home Office ceremony at the very pointy tops of the structure.

“Did you know that by April of 2017 he’d already clocked up enough business class air miles to reach the Moon?” Tooth asked, “by now he’s probably flown far enough to crash into the face of the Sun at public expense.”

The man himself could not be reached for comment as he was enjoying a glass of champagne on the public purse many miles above the Earth.

“You’d say his head was in the clouds but commercial aircraft tend to fly well above any cloud masses so the flight is smoother for the tax money spent.”

It seems it was a timely move on the part of the Home Office too, faced with mounting criticism for the racist, hostile environment policies designed by the unknown figure who was Home Office minister from 2010 – 2016.

“We’ve been kicking people out as fast as we can swing the boot,” Tooth said, “and this seems to be leading to some unexpected blowback. Who knew not everyone in the UK was a racist little Englander? I mean, the country overwhelming voted for Brexit. The leaders of both main political parties back Brexit. And Brexit is Nigel Farage. We thought we were on firm ground going after people based on ethnicity.”

It seems it’s a sensible move also, with the independence movement in Scotland being given fresh legs by the shambles and certainty of economic collapse of Brexit, the man in question, having being born in Scotland, will soon be an alien resident (temporarily) in the United Kingdom of England.

“He wastes money. He promotes fantasies. He’s already been fired from high office for breaking security protocols and other misdeeds to do with hiding special friends behind curtains. He’s a rotter. We’re well shot of him. Just think of the money saved on the airfares too? Money that can be spent on the NHS!”

And why were we riding in the elevator at the Shard to the very top?

“You’re here to see the fitting of the huge eye of Sauron that the prime minister has demanded be fitted to the top of the building. All the better to watch you with as we make a success of Brexit and enter the exciting possibilities of criminalising thoughts.”

 

May seeks C*ustoms R*egulatory A*lignment P*eriod to delay the moment the shit hits the fan

LCD Views can break great news today with a sign of intelligent life detected in the murky and very damp interior of 10 Downing Street.

“We thought it was a waste land,” explora-tory biologist Professor Fcuk told us over croissants and bumpy white coffee, “all investigations over the last couple of years have only found signs of what may once have been highly evolved organisms and a sophisticated civilisation, but they were thought to have been long extinct.”

A bit like the Martian landscape?

“Similar, but less enjoyable.”

So what’s changed?

“A repeating signal has been detected from deep inside what appears to be an ancient network of plumbing used to worship scat by whoever constructed the structure, and we’ve been able to interpret it.”

While it’s too early to tell yet if the origin of the source possesses a complex central nervous system, Professor Fcuk is tentatively hopeful.

“Fcuk, even finding something as complex as bacterial slime would be encouraging,” the professor said, “give it a few billion years and it may evolve thumbs. It would be very exciting to watch. Although it needs to get a hurry on. the Sun is expected to supernova around then. So by the time it re-evolves it maybe too late.”

But how would you expect to observe this evolution of the bacterial slime into a complex organism, as highly evolved as one that has and uses thumb? The human life span is too short.

“I’m going to upload my consciousness into the cloud. There’s not any other realistic choice because that’s how long Theresa May and the terrified lunatics surrounding her will need their desperate Customs Regulatory Alignment Period to last to have a snowflake’s chance in hell of developing any realistic, feasible and cost efficient alternatives to the babies they’re so hurriedly throwing out with the EU bathwater.”

Those babies have thumbs.

“Indeed. Seamless and frictionless ones.”

Daily Mail uncovers plot by baby in woman’s belly to be born

Award winning full fat love promoters The Daily Mail have shocked the nation today by uncovering a secret plot by a baby, in a famous and rather old mother’s belly, to be born.

”The baby, although it could be twins, even triplets, so let’s agree sextuplets, has been planning this in secret for months,” famous Mail hack, Ruff Cough, told us in an exclusive for us where we get the scoop on their exclusive scoop.

But what are the babies’ intentions? Surely there’s no immediate cause for concern? Babies are born all the time.

”Foreign babies who want to steal our horses are,” Cough said, “proper British babies aren’t hardly never born anymore. It’s endangering English civilisation.”

Let’s stick to the secret baby and keep away from your appalling pet topic. How long till it pulls off its treacherous plan and where is the birth to take place?

”From what we’ve uncovered the baby is to be born at the Palace of Westminster sometime in June surrounded by over six hundred grown ups, hundreds of who maybe traitors and intend to act as midwives to the babies, the saboteurs!”

The babies or the anticipated midwives?

”Oh, they are traitors to democracy!”

Which ones?

”Stop trying to trick me. We’ve uncovered the plot and the nation has been warned to defend autocracy!”

It’s not really a scoop though, or a secret gestation?

The ultrasounds have all been made public, millions of people are ready to get behind the baby and push and it has a massive presence already on social media. Not to mention the mother looks like she’ll drop any day now.

We got just an angry glare for that.

”Why are you still asking me questions? Won’t your readers have lost interest by now due to very short attention spans? Remember ours used to salivate over anti-vax stories until the pandemic in Wales and then we dropped it like we’d never touched it and no one noticed.”

Who’s the father of the baby of babies?

”Oh, no one knows who that is, just that the mother is the mother of all parliaments and any day she’s going to go into labour.”

I doubt that, Labour is unlike to form a government given it’s almost indistinguishable from the government on the issue that will be a right Victorian dad to everyone.

”Not that Labour. Labour.”

You capitalised both. Which is which?

”Piss off and go break a caps lock.”

We’ll stay right here, waiting for the baby you fear to be born. And we’re naming it government defeat in the commons.

Boris Johnson to inflate his Brexit hot air ship by talking

LCD Views can enthusiastically report on huge savings to the public purse will be found by powering the special Brexit hot air ship just by Boris Johnson talking.

“He’s always ready to put words together and whenever he does there’s a lot of heat generated,” Brexit blimp project manager, Mr Esra told LCD Views, “the design we are building has Mr Johnson standing inside the inflatable section and talking on any subject he cares to pick, but preferably about post Brexit trade arrangements and British influence in a dynamic and changing globalised landscape.”

So just talking complete, fabricated on the spot bollocks then?

“Yes. Business as usual. It’s believed the blimp will inflate within seconds and lift off moments later. We will have to be fast to cut loose the ropes. I anticipate no more than half a minute before Boris has filled the ship with hot air and it’s rising.”

But how will he navigate the Brexit blimp if he is standing in the centre of the balloon section?

“How does he navigate now?” Mr Esra asked, “he just chooses locations at random and goes to them. So we hardly see any point in putting in advanced navigational equipment which he will just ignore.”

So more of a drive by feel approach?

“Exactly. It works for him as an MP. If he bumps into something, say a passenger aircraft, he can just bounce off and go in another direction and leave the wreckage behind him.

The main purpose of Boris is Boris, the destination changes every day. Yesterday he wanted to be prime minister by the weekend again, but today he wants May to stay in post and carry the can for Brexit. Steering isn’t important. Boris is important.”

Will he be able to carry passengers?

“Don’t be stupid! Ha! Boris only needs the spectators to pay for his follies, he doesn’t need them coming along for the ride. But he’ll take anyone for a ride of course.”

So how soon will the air ship be built?

“Just as soon as we can jam Boris inside the balloon you see over there and tie a knot in the end of it.”

Up, up and away?

“And right back down again. Everyone is invited on that trip. The whole country. Just ask Michael Gove. He’s standing next to Boris with a giant pin just ready to prick the Boris blimp again.”

Man grows Charlie Chaplin moustache on South American holiday

LCD Views can report today that a well known clown of the international stage has taken things a step further by growing a Charlie Chaplin moustache while on a South American holiday.

“He was sent over there to get him out of the big tent for a few days,” our upper lip specialist says, “or he went there so other people could do some clowning on his behalf and he could claim plausible deniability due to the tyranny of distance. Choose your own reason. I’m just a moustache man.”

The moustache itself is worthy of consideration for being a classic design not much evidenced since the 1940’s.

“It takes some swagger to pull off the tooth brush,” our tooth brush expert approves, “most people would consider growing one and then realise it might make them look like Nigel Farage with a small microphone under his nose. At that point they give up. But not our man.”

Apparently South American countries do have a climate just right for growing this moustache though and that may have contributed to the decision.

“It’s due to post war migration to Argentina of some very committed ideologues who used the tooth brush as a secret symbol to recognise one another. Both more hygienic and more subtle than a secret handshake.”

LCD Views would like to say we approve of the new look, especially when the famous clown raises his arms and talks.

“It really gives you a feel of his actual potential, where he allowed to develop naturally with ever greater power.”

Will he be allowed that?

“Don’t be stupid. This is no laughing matter.”

Government admits plan to rename Britain “it” after Brexit as the brain will have been forcibly removed from Br(it)ain

LCD Views can claim success today in our first FOI request allegedly made by us to the Home Office with the release of papers admitting HMG has advanced plans to rename Britain just “it” after Brexit.

“It makes sense,” Steve Baked MP for Cocken-on-Womble, told us, hand delivering the papers to our floating office on a Thames’ barge in exchange for a bucket of American signal crayfish, “I’m going to hide these crayfish on the opposition benches. By which I mean where Ken Clarke and Anna Soubry normally sit.”

Wouldn’t it be better to boil them alive and eat them?

“No. The cannibalism starts post Brexit.”

So tell us about the plans to rename Britain and call it simply ‘it’.

“It will be in line with what most other nations will be calling Britain after Brexit,” Mr Baked said, “as all the brains will have leaked away by then. Mostly over to the continent, but I guess some other places too. We are lobbying to keep Britain as the official name on maps but the Royal Society of Cartographers told us to, I quote, ‘do one’, on that.”

It’s good to know at least some planning has been taking place for life after March 2019. Those tail back scare stories about Kent and food supplies have me a little worked up.

“Oh don’t let the changing of project fear into project reality upset you,” Steve shrugged, “no one left living on ‘it’ will have the cognitive capacity to understand how life has deteriorated anyway.”

Remainers rejoice as difference between Labour and Tory Brexshits is discovered

LCD Views can happily report today that there is finally reason for that most stubborn group of British voters, the remainers, to rejoice.

“It’s not the sacking of John Humphrys, yet,” our political tides ‘r turning correspondent informs, “it’s the discovery of a fundamental and attractive difference between the two brexshits on offer from the Labour and Tory parties.”

But that’s impossible! Except for “a” fudge on the customs union, there is no difference? And the “a” CU fudge is cake anyway.

“That’s where you are wrong,” our correspondent smiles, “Labour have finally revealed a key detail of how they see life in post Brexit Britain under their governance.”

You mean post Brexit England? It’s pretty much a given now that Brexit is the end of the United Kingdom as a union.

“Well, if you want to be picky, okay. Post brexit England.”

Go on then, what’s the difference?

“Okay. Under Labour’s plan the NHS will still exist after Brexit.”

That’s very reassuring. What’s the detail of how they’ll manage it?

“By collectivising the farms.”

I don’t see the connection?

“It’s obvious. Under Labour’s Brexit plan you’ll simply need to ask the committee selected by central government to run your farm to vote on whether or not they will allow you to walk the forty miles to the nearest state run health centre. So it will still be possible to access the national health service, although some surgeries will probably be run by either the Red Cross or Medecins Sans Frontieres.”

And what’s the Tory plan?

“Oh, the farms will still be collectivised because it will be necessary to force people to till the fields to eat, but the NHS will change as dramatically as expected.”

How so?

“It’ll just be Jacob Rees-mogg sitting on horseback watching you die in a field. Oh, and a vampire drinking your blood to ensure you are always too weak to resist.”

That’s an attractive difference. I know which one I’ll choose.

Michael Gove insists Titanic was strengthened by contact with iceberg

LCD VIews can report today on the amazing scientific discoveries of Michael Gove, MP for somewhere in Surrey that needs its water tested, who has discovered that the Titanic was strengthened by contact with the iceberg.

”It’s because ice is very, very hard, especially a mountain of it with reality ridges,” Michael told a roomful of people who would otherwise have spent their time wondering when he would f*ck off.

”And I challenge anyone to disprove there is a location more strong and stable than the place the Titanic settled after contact with the iceberg all those years ago.”

Mr Gove, long recognised as the herpes raging in the fluids of the UK’s democracy, is apparently determined to multiply himself even faster by venturing into topics normally reserved for other experts.

”You can’t cure me,” he winked, “you just hope for those quiet spells inbetween my flare ups.”

Quite why Mr Gove has decided to talk with such self confidence on the matter of massive unsinkable ships that sunk is open to speculation.

”It’s because he’s aware you need to keep saying words at people so they believe them,” our bullshit artist specialist opined, “clearly the Titanic had a great big hole ripped in the side of it, sunk and masses of people died. But Mr Gove believes too little focus is given to the positive influence on British culture by the calamity. Such as the film named after the ship.”

I wouldn’t say that was a positive? The only thing accurate about that movie was that a big ship sunk.

”Yes, but, if you made it onto a life boat you survived. Like now, if you have invested your money sensible in tax havens.”

What about all the people who didn’t find a life boat, due in large part to the failure of the designers to make preparations for the obvious potential of disaster?

”You mean because the designers of the ship were too convinced of their own genius?”

A bit like Brexit.

”Well, I wouldn’t go comparing the two. Brexit has clearly strengthened the United Kingdom and made us a more welcoming place to foreigners.”

You’ve been spending too much time with Michael Gove.

”Hasn’t everybody?”

Fifty shades of brown the only options on the Brexit colour chart

The long-awaited Brexit colour chart has finally arrived from Dulux, and the patriotic dreams of a red, white and blue Brexit appear to have been dashed completely – unless you can work out how it would look in sepia.

The only available colour for any deal is brown, appropriately enough.

We spoke to Dulux spokesman Will Paintham on the matter.

“We spent several weeks doing a graphics analysis for the various Brexit possibilities,” he said. “We allocated the most appropriate colour to each and every possible deal option we could think of, and each one of them turned out brown. And not brown as in chocolate either.”

We get the idea.

The conservative party are reportedly unconcerned by this, although the only statement they made came from Boris Johnson.

“Nothing to worry about, Brexit is brown, we conservatives are blue, and the blue is worth more than the brown on a snooker table, what ho!”

These remarks were accompanied by his trademark grin, and absolutely no sense of irony.

It should be noted that the chart is not entirely devoid of variety, however, as there are a whopping fifty shades of brown to choose from.

Rumours are already in the air that author E. L. James is filing a lawsuit against Dulux for this, but she has denied this. Naturally enough, as you can’t sue real life when it chooses to imitate art. No matter how disgusting the imitation.

Well there you have it. All hopes of a golden handshake or a silver lining are officially a thing of the past. Britain is officially in the brown stuff, let’s hope we climb out before someone hits flush.