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Trump would have “taking out” armed white militia if they’d kneeled in government building protest

THE 1930’S IS SO 2010’S AND 20’S : PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and all round draft dodger, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to add a note of caution to the heavily armed protests occurring in America’s state legislatures.

“I just want everyone to know I know a lot about protesting limits to my personal freedoms to help people I don’t know,” the President began tweeting, shortly after 6am, “I know more about it than almost anyone. Ask anyone. I’ve been pro testing most of my life. Some say my whole life has been a test. And I’ve passed it folks. Flying colours. They tell me my colours are flying. I don’t know if they use an airline or a helicopter. I’m going to look into it.”

And with the intro over he got down to the meat(head) of the message.

“There’s nothing brown shirted about ordinary, patriotic, white American men invading state legislatures. It’s not at all like the early years of fascism in Germania. They have a right to take semi-automatic, military grade weapons into places where decisions are being made that decide if unarmed people live or die from the foreign flu. There’s nothing more American.”

But in spite of his relaxed attitude to the intimidation of law and order, he did have a note of warning.

“Just so long as no one kneels! If they start nealing it’s a threat! It’s basically terrorism. Threatening to take people’s knees is nasty. Knee caps are to be worn on your head. Or in your knees.”

In response the locally formed, rag tag, thick as pigshit militias said it’s okay, they were “only being sarcastic.”

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“I have passed my peak and it’s all downhill from here” – PM to reassure anxious nation

WE WILL FAIL THEM ON THE BEACHES AND IN THE CARE HOMES : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, AL TO HIS FRIENDS, IS EXPECTED to reassure an anxious United Kingdom in a major speech, later today.

The speech has a capacity to be 100,000 words long, which is all that matters, not how long it actually turns out to be.

“It’s okay. We’ll crowdsource the extra words from the party faithful, and from Dom’s army of fake Twitter accounts,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “most of the speech will be a mishmash of barely understood and distinctly misapplied Churchillian references and Ancient Greek. Maybe some Latin if Boris is feeling wistful. And then claim victory. Our ICU’s were never overwhelmed. Just don’t ask why.”

The speech is further expected to hit the right notes, at the right time, and the impact of the speech will be a victory. It will be spoken about in WW2 metaphors and hopefully a few veterans will be co-opted to make anyone tempted to criticise the oratory feel so guilty they keep quiet. That will also be a victory.

“Everyone will understand that Boris has been victorious,” the source went on, “and he’ll wrap it up by revising an ancient and traditional British chant.”

Two World Wars And One World Cup?

“Precisely. That’ll see off any questions about how Germany managed to deal with Covid-19 so much better than Blighty, so far. We were following the science. That’s a victory too. Mostly for setting up scientists as fall guys for when we need to claim victory in the aftermath.”

Tune in and tune out.

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Coronavirus : Satan under pressure to explain why he hasn’t furloughed Nigel Farage

LITTLE LORD FAULTSAREICH : The Lord of Darkness is coming under increasing pressure today to explain why he hasn’t furloughed his perennial employee of the month, racist rabble rouser Nigel Farage.

While millions of British workers explore the parameters of life within four walls, in the interests of protecting themselves and people they don’t know, the Brexit Party CEO has been out with a film crew screaming at beaches. All in the desperate hope someone fleeing war and persecution may wash up while he’s there.

Oh. The. Humanity.

Global Britain – remade in Farage’s image because a sizeable chunk of a generation of politicians and media didn’t have the guts to fight back against far right nationalism.

Makes you proud to be British.

“Nigel is an essential worker,” a source inside Hell told LCD Views, “as such he isn’t eligible for the government’s furlough scheme. And besides, the sum available would hardly allow man of the sheeple, Fuhrarage, to live in the style to which he is accustomed.”

And critics of the critics have pointed out that now is not the time to criticise an ageing spleen pillock who has made a career promoting xenophobia and historical amnesia.

“Put yourself in Nigel’s shoes,” one suggests.

No. Definitely not.

“His whole schtick is demonising the people who are right now deciding to work without sufficient PPE, thanks to having a UKIP government in all but name, and those people are dying saving natural born Englishmen. It’s a bit of a sticky wicket. So he’s decided to bat through in the hope of still being at the crease, or the beach, when conditions improve and gammon rage is once again in fashion.”

But it’s likely that the more irrelevant Farage feels the louder he will shout at the ocean. Not even a pandemic appears able to stop non-furloughed Nigel continuing in his quest to bring the U.K. low. Maybe it’s time he realised the country is at breaking point and did us all a favour and went back home.

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Priti Patel announces the arrival of Boris Johnson’s eleventy twelfth child

The numbers game: The happy news was announced in the nick of time today. Priti Patel, masquerading as usual as the Don’t Leave Your Home Secretary, was privileged to let The People know.

“Let me me completely and absolutely clear about this,” she dissembled. “The Prime Minister’s fiancée has popped out a sprog. This girl, boy, dog cat, whatever it is, is the Prime Minister’s eleventy twelfth child!”

She paused to simper and smirk at her adoring public.

“This is a momentous occasion!” she continued. “This is the first time in many hundredty thousandty years that a baby has come to Downing Street.”

She checked her notes. An imperious ruffle of papers, a haughty look. A measured intake of breath.

“The last child born to a sitting Prime Minister was Leo Blair,” she announced. “In the year twoty dozen and nineteenty several!”

The new arrival gives Johnson the perfect excuse to skive off Prime Minister’s Questions.

“This will only be the umpteen thousandty time he’s missed it,” Patel observed. “It’s a good job that there isn’t a crisis going on, which would have needed Boris’ firm, decisive leadership! The rest of us will hold the fort until his five years paternity leave are up.”

But Patel had one revelation left up her sleeve. She put on her least empathetic expression, and eyeballed her virtual audience dramatically.

“This birth means that there are now two little bastards in Number Ten!”

Shock. Outrage. Even the hard-bitten sycophants at the Daily Mail and the Telegraph drew breath sharply. Patel had finally used a number correctly. One by one the screens went blank, as headlines sprung up instantly on websites far and wide.

“That went well!” said Patel, stepping down. She turned to her fully PPE’d assistant. “Pat me on the back!” she demanded.

As Boris Johnson transitions from ‘Prime Minister’ to ‘Absent Father’, we wish Johnson junior well, and hope he does well for himself, despite his disadvantaged start.

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Government supporters to spend rest of week misinterpreting criticism of Boris Johnson’s government as an attack on babies

HUMANUM CLYPEUS : HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS? Tory commentators, sock puppets, bots, useful idiots and weird, feverish natural supporters have a new shield to guard them as the UK bumbles along into mass mortality from CV-19.

“You can no longer mention herd immunity, because baby,” one well placed strategist told LCD Views, “mind you, when we were planning this baby last year we thought it’d be a distraction from No Deal Brexit. But you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Or a baby. Or do you? Do people look newborns in the mouth? I guess they do. But my point still stands.”

Of course the newborn is blameless of the sins of the father, but the father himself is a sudden beneficiary of the instinctive need to shield and provide sympathy for parents with new babies.

“It’s quite the lucky break,” the source went on, “now everyone, all across British political life, can forget instantly that Boris Johnson is infamous for not admitting how many children he’s fathered. Has fought against being named as father in court. Has numerous children with different mothers and is not exactly a poster child for fathering. But that’s all swept away. Want to know how to get public support when leaving the wife of three of your children, while she’s undergoing cancer treatment, for a much younger woman, before becoming engaged to your mistress, after moving her into Downing Street, while pursuing divorce against the current wife? Have a baby. It’s a no brainer.”

But such cynicism helps no one. Not least the workers in the NHS arguably dying because of Johnson’s avoidance of detail, trust in cranks and all round laziness and misadministration.

“But baby, you heartless bastard,” the source concluded, “how dare you attack the baby?”

I didn’t. I actually want to know why the government downgraded the seriousness of CV-19 in March and don’t think a baby excuses the father from accountability.

“Churchill famously took months off during Dunkirk when his mistress had a baby,” the source slapped back, “now zip it. Or you’re going to be accused of singlehandedly wrecking the baby’s chances in life.”

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Downing St : Job category of PM downgraded from “serious, full time” to “whenever”

I’M JUST HERE FOR THE FOOD : DOWNING STREET has issued urgent clarification today after ongoing questions from traitors over the prime minister’s work ethic.

“He’s fulfilling the job criteria to a T,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “he’s not required to do any work and he’s not. If you have a problem with that you need to read the revised job spec for PM.”

It appears the category the job nestled in was revised in late March, at the same time as the downgrading of seriousness of CV-19.

“Look, let’s stop pretending, everyone knows Boris is just in it for the shits and giggles, perks and applause. It didn’t seem sensible to keep putting so much strain on the man. Ghastly bit of fate that soon after saying ‘take it on the chin’ he took it on the chin. We need to avoid his mouth and actual events conspiring so neatly together. So we made the appropriate changes to what the role of prime minister demands, at the appropriate times.”

And patriots can be reassured that none of the perks and benefits of the job have changed, the prime minister will still be on full salary with benefits, regardless of the hours he works. Whether or not he notices.

“It’s the ultimate zero hours gig at the moment,” the source continued, “which just shows how clever Johnson is and why he’s the right man to lead the country through the crisis his administration arguably made much, much worse. Do you get to live like a king? No. So shut up peasant.”

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I say all the right words, but not necessarily in the right order, claims Donald Trump

Bring me sunshine: What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with Toilet Duck? The mangled syntax and incomprehensible gibbering of the President gives you a clue. It’s Donald Duck, of course, tweeting from the Trump Toilet.

Is this the man who swallowed a bottle of Harpic and went clean round the bend? He may be quackers, but at least he is spotless under the rim.

The man whose stream of consciousness witterings and twitterings now informs medical science, has his answer ready. Taken out of context? That’s Lamestream! Misspoke? That’s Fake News! No, Trump has all the best words. All the bigly words. All the bestest and bigliest words. All the right words, in a manner of speaking, but not necessarily in the right order.

“Nobody understands the mind of Trump!” exclaimed the POTUS during the press briefing he swore not to give. “I’m a genius, right? The very best genius. I have the biggest mind in the world, nobody has a biglier mind than what Trump does. I does not make mistakes, I say all the right words. All the right words, as my very good English friend Ernie Morecambe used to say. Not necessarily in the order right, that’s what the Fake News Media don’t get!”

This explains everything. It’s as clear as a lung that has been scrubbed with an injection of Windolene.

This development has been taken with a large pinch of salt by the Lamestream Media, and with a larger pinch of Shake ‘n’ Vac by the POTUS.

In future, all the President’s pronouncements must be filtered through the prism of Write What I Meant In Retrospect, Not What I Said. This is a black art at the best of times, which must now be thoroughly bleached. All to make the brutally fake tanned Trump look whiter than white.

Bigly brain, tiny hands, and short fat hairy legs.

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“Touch Me” by The Doors – song banned in interests of public safety

CLOSING DOORS : The government has finally gotten something right in its personal fight to have the public view the Covid-19 pandemic as a military conflict, and not the public health emergency it is.

“From 6am this morning all public broadcast of the popular 60’s love anthem, Touch Me, by The Doors, has been banned,” an ebullient spokesman for upbeat Prime Minister Boris Johnson told Radio 4.

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/doors/touchme.html

And the law isn’t stopping at just radio and TV broadcasts. The government has said that any buskers performing the song will face the “full penalty of the law and be taken to Dom’s lab for experimentation”.

Matt Hancock is believed to be behind the move, which surprisingly gained the approval of Boris Johnson, even though little Matty is being fitted up as one of the sacrificial goats to save Johnson’s skin.

“It’s to give Matt a false sense of security before the boot goes in,” a Downing Street source advised.

But critics of the lyrical move have argued that if the government is going to ban songs with (CV-19) provocative titles and lyrics, there is a long list that needs including.

“Why just pick on The Doors?” a well known social media based mouthpiece asked, “Can You Feel The Love Tonight, by Elton John, is basically a Coronavirus hotspot on its own. I Wanna Hold Your Hand, by The Beatles? Just on the grounds of grammar alone, let alone attempting to convince a stranger to endanger themselves. Until every dangerous song is on the list this is nothing more than a token gesture to distract from the failings of a shambolic administration that can’t even do fascism properly.”

But it seems likely criticism will not change government policy. This is entirely rational after the public allowed ministers to make law without parliament, by way of Brexit.

“All of Crowded House is outlawed too,” the energetic spokesman added, “at least until we can ascertain whether everyone inside has been there together from the start of lockdown.”

CV-19 crisis? Do Dream It’s Over, as one day it will be.

And one day singing an old John Lee Hooker classic won’t see you fined. But don’t even think about humming “Love Shack” by the B52’s, until the new measures are lifted.

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Survivor of volcano explosion says other cities looked at “Pompeii’s apparent success”

FAIL(ED) CEASER : The survivor of a volcanic explosion has spoken today to LCD Views about the international view taken, during, and after the event.

“We took the right steps, at the right time,” Provincial Governor, Biggus Dickus, told LCD Views.

For the interview Biggus wore his mop of blonde hair like an actual mop that had been swished freely across a flooded floor.

“At every step of our response to the volcano’s explosion we have been guided by the science.”

Biggus Dickus gave examples of the timely, and science led response by his administration.

“Weeks before the eruption, when smoke was noticed spiralling out of the top of the mountain we sacrificed bulls to appease the Gods.”

We were tempted to ask why the bulls were sacrificed, when at the time the WVO (World Volcano Organisation) was advising cities near to volcanoes to load their possessions onto the backs of the bulls and get out of there.

“Then, when fire began belching from the top of the mountain we threw in virgins. Not blonde virgins, clearly, for obvious reasons. We worked day and night to prevent the mountain exploding.”

But when it did? What protection was provided to the priests and slaves dedicated to protecting the people from the mountain’s rage?

“They were given sufficient supplies of papyrus hats and copper amulets. Clearly the unprecedented nature of the explosion meant that global supply lines of both reed based clothing and lucky charms were strained (at every sinew).”

Your administration has also done whatever it takes to protect itself?

“Yes, purely in the interests of maintaining capable and consistent governance.”

This is why you’ve already indemnified yourselves against legal action based on charges of negligence?

“Yes.”

So what’s next?

“Bask in the glory of broad based global acclaim. That’s a given. Other cities are looking at our apparent success in managing the explosion that buried both Pompeii and Herculaneum. And as for myself I will be awarding the contract to resurrect the citizens buried under the ash and debris to a chariot maker.”

Who is that?

“Why Dysonius, of course, whether or not he delivers doesn’t matter. It’s how the headline looks dabbed in red paint on the walls of the coliseum, that’s all that matters to me.”

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I’m back, did I miss anything, says Boris Johnson

Great news! Our great leader has been declared fit for work by the Universal Credit people. He will be working day and night to distract attention away from where it should be.

“Ah, yes, the jolly old reins of power, raring to go, wiff waff, I say,” he is expected to say at the early morning press conference, which will be just in time for elevenses. “Well I’m back, yes, protect the NHS, stay home, stay safe, strain every sinew, err, something something, wibble, wibble, in vino paintbox, did you miss me?”

The nation will breathe a sigh of relief at the return of Johnson. If only because it means that the country is no longer in the hands of Dominic Raab-it-in-the-Headlights.

So what has been going on behind the scenes? The transcript from a private briefing between Johnson and the newly installed Professor of Medicine at the University of Tufton Street, “Classic” Dom Cummings, has been obtained by LCD Views’ Phone Tapping correspondent. This is what it says:

CDC: Ok, Spaffer, just get out there, be charming, and bugger off again sharpish. Claim your doctors have told you to take 60 minutes’ rest every hour, or something.

BJ: What shall I say, Classic? There’s 20k dead even using the adjusted figures, the members are getting restive, and Donald has forgotten to take his meds again.

CDC: Claim ignorance. They think you are a lazy, ignorant bastard anyway, so nobody will challenge you. The old tart Kuenssberg will be told to stick her tongue up your backside as per. You don’t have to worry about anything.

BJ: What about the science we are supposed to be following? What is the latest from SAGE?

CDC: You know as well as I do that science costs money we won’t get back. You mustn’t say Herd Immunity any more, even the ERG find it offensive now. I have worked hard to negate every point the fucking experts make. Just say the catchphrase and stutter winningly. Chuck in some Latin if you must. The usual.

BJ: Business as usual, then.

CDC: Business as usual.

Nothing to see here. Nothing. Move on, move on. Phew.