Theresa May’s government has enjoyed a welcome respite from criticism today with broad approval of the new day release convict labour plan, launched so Ms May won’t have to face firing Boris Johnson even if he goes down for crimes against democracy.
“We’re getting ahead of the curve on this one, allegedly,” Downing Street insider, Ms A Potplant, told us during an afternoon session at a Westminster tanning salon, “make sure you roll over regularly so you get evenly tanned.”
We determined to keep that in mind.
“No one is suggesting Boris Johnson has committed any crimes,” Ms Potplant continued, “but just on the outside, extreme, hypothetical that the investigations into Cambridge Analytica and Leave EU do eventually lead to senior members of the cabinet being questioned about any potential, alleged criminality in the leave campaign, Ms May is correct to ensure she has a backstop plan in place.”
Under the scheme new prisoners will be released on a day release plan to fill the yawning holes appearing in the British labour market following the decision to do Brexit, no matter how stupid that decision is.
“It’s baffling why people don’t want to come here anymore,” Ms Potplant mused, “I mean, it’s not like they’ll forget to go back where they came from. The Home Office will see to that, even if they’re not ready yet.”
But isn’t focusing on the labour gaps just a cover for the real reason, which is so Ms May never has to face firing Boris Johnson from the cabinet, no matter how ridiculous and incompetent his actions?
“Correct, but play that down. It’s the hidden lead, it better be so well hidden no one cottons onto it. Please don’t make it the headline or people might rumble us.”
What crimes could Boris allegedly be in the dock for?
“He’s already in the dock of public opinion, and convicted, for crimes against democracy, but there’s very little chance he’s done anything criminal other than be a figurehead for the wholesale economic, civil and diplomatic destruction of the United Kingdom.”
Is that a crime though?
“I don’t know. I think it bloody well should be!’
We won’t print that.
Please don’t. What’s that smell?
“We forgot to roll over.”