Bing Crosby impersonator to overdub festive classic as Snowy Christmas

It’s that time of year again when we hear the dulcet tones of Bing Crosby on the airwaves. However, this year there will be a slight difference. After over seven decades of regular airplay and featuring on virtually every Christmas compilation ever issued, Bing Crosby’s classic 1942 hit “White Christmas” has been criticised for carrying racist overtones.

BBC executive Ray De Yeoman issued the following statement to the assembled media:

“It has come to our attention that racist groups such as UKIP and Britain First have taken a lovely song and exploited it for their own racist agendas. We at the BBC are against racism in all forms, and have no wish to make any non-white listeners feel unwelcome in this country, and if this song encourages racism then something must be done about it.”

Rather than ban the song outright however, they are taking the unusual measure of hiring a Bing Crosby impersonator and overdubbing the word “white” to “snowy”, and adjust the final verse from:

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write.
May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white.

Into:

I’m dreaming of a snowy Christmas, with every Christmas card I send.
May your days be merry my friend, and may all your goodwill never end.

Some have welcomed the move, others have described it as political correctness gone mad. A petition to reinstate the original version of the song has already been started online.

The move applies to both the original version of the song and all subsequent cover versions, of which there are many, as the song has proved enormously popular with crooners since the beginning, with Frank Sinatra, Perry Como and Andy Williams all recording their versions of it, not to mention the more recent attempts by the likes of Bette Midler, Martina McBride and Andrea Bocelli.

Those who are still alive are already overdubbing their own performances, with impersonators hired to do the same for those singers who are no longer with us.

We await the results with baited breath.

Shock Poll result: Blair more likely to be re-elected PM than May

Tony Blair stands more chance of being re-elected PM than Theresa May – according to the newly released results of a Maori poll.

The results released Sunday by the New Zealand based polling firm, show a staggering 52% of voters prefer former PM Tony Blair, against only 48% for current PM Theresa May.

However a Downing Street spokesman dismissed the poll results as a “freak result due to voters having been presented with a false choice between only two options” and to “deliberate lies promoting the Blair camp spread through social media.” as well as, “Clearly there was some form of illegal foreign intervention which should be the subject of criminal investigation, and anyway it’s only a poll so the results are non binding.”

However radical groups supporting wannabe conservative leader Jacob Rees Mogg, the self syled “Mogglodytes”, and the more extreme “Mogglamic Jihad”, hailed the result as a clear indication of the contempt in which Mrs Theresa May is held among Tory voters.

“However much we dislike Blair, he did actually invade Iraq, lied about why he did it, and still got re-elected,” explained a spokesman, adjusting his monacle.

“May couldn’t even manage to lie to her own cabinet without half if them walking out,” he said pointing out she last week wussed out of lying to parliament in a vote on her Brexit deal.

“And she’s already wimped out of leading the party into the next election, if she tried invading her own bathriom she’d likely lose the soap,” he sneered.”

‪Tony Blair to challenge Jeremy Corbyn for leadership of the Labour Party‬

“You can imagine the fury amongst the faithful members of Corbyn’s handler’s insurgency group Abstention,” our special What’s Labour [Not] Up To Now? correspondent reports, “Owen Jones is going to find Tony T-Bone Blair’s twitter account and organise a pile on. It’s going to be savage. The king of the Blairites doesn’t stand a chance after that. He’ll basically just be rubble and incapable of challenging anyone. At least, not on twitter, he’ll have to block so many accounts he won’t be able to get any tweeting done for hours.”

Why the members of Abstention are so concerned is not clear, given Tony Blair isn’t currently an MP, so unlikely to be able to takeover the Labour Party and remake it into Even Newer Labour, as he couldn’t then be prime minister, so who would vote for him as leader?

Especially as he’s just taking the opportunity to redo his legacy in the heat of national crisis in the hope of wedging in a footnote big enough to obscure his part in a chain of events that led to a pile of bodies that is still growing in the Middle East.

It’s not Jeremy’s fault, for providing the space through deliberate inactivity on the greatest national crisis since the last one.

”Most of the PLP and a good chunk of the membership, they’re so fed up with this cynical long game, Tory Brexit enabling BS, people may just swallow their sick and back Blair to stop the Nazis taking over the U.K. fully,” the spokesman replied in an unguarded response,

“Jeremy can’t survive that. His whole agenda is based on a fence post. And he can survive Lexit, having a net worth estimated in the several million, and thus buffered against the conditions required to birth Lexit and the true Leninist utopia to come after,

”Or Trotskyist, or Stalinist, or Allotmentist, or Jamist, we get a bit lost with the lables. At least we’re not New Labourist. It would be terrifying if we got elected before Brexit. After it with Henry VIII powers and May to blame would be a different matter.”

So you don’t or you do fear Blair?

”We fear getting elected. Why do you think Labour never strikes when May is weakest?”

May to travel to the North Pole to renegotiate terms of Christmas – fears Christmas will be cancelled

“The United Kingdom was troubled enough already,” LCD Views’ festive correspondent, Mrs Reindeer told us this morning, “with Brexit looming it’s clear 2018 is going to be the last Christmas for the United Kingdom in its present form, unless the big fir tree of bullshit is cut down and wood chipped. But the news that Theresa May is to travel to the North Pole to renegotiate the terms of Christmas? It seems she doesn’t even want us to have a final Christmas as a family.”

Perhaps she doesn’t like the thought of people opening presents, all together, happy?

“Well, it’s clear she would ban immigrants from enjoying a proper English Christmas if she could. What have they done to deserve a share of our Christmas anyway? Especially the refugees. You know the kind, the ‘economic’ ones from the middle east escaping the British made munitions that we love to sell to people to drop on them, Christmas or no Christmas.”

They invented the religion Christmas is dependent on for existing?

“So? So they should just get to inherit the Christmas their ancestors did the hard work for, by virtue of accident of birth?”

Well, let’s not get political.

“Excuse me, that’s why you hired me.”

I didn’t hire you. I made you up in the moment I decided to had to stop binge watching “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” and find my children and force them to enjoy the world outside.

“I don’t think I can work here anymore.”

Let’s get back to Theresa May? That’s a subject we can unify around.

“She’s going to the North Pole to renegotiate Christmas with Father Christmas. Christmas means Christmas.”

We’re not going to get Christmas this year, are we?

“Not the kind with presents. No.”

Government to test readiness for managed no deal Brexit with a ‘managed no Christmas’

Fantastic and reassuring news for the people of the United Kingdom today that they are going to have to dig up their grandparents after all and demand to know where they buried the family Blitz spirit, with the announcement that the Government is to test readiness for managed no deal Brexit with a ‘managed no Christmas’.

“Chris Grayling has been put in charge of the test fire,” a spokesman for whoever is prime minister told LCD Views, “so we’ll definitely need Blitz spirit to survive Christmas. A good warm up to the successful managed crash out and burn No Deal Brexit, so asset strippers and vulture capitalists can buy your house cheap to rent back to you, about the time when you’re explaining to your children that one of them will have to start hunting their own food.”

But how will Mr Grayling, famous for so many headline hogging infrastructure projects, manage a project as big as Christmas?

“It’s a managed no Christmas. That’s important.”

What’s the difference?

“Well, clearly there will be nothing to manage if there is no Christmas, except misery, disappointment, crushed expectations and serious family tension.”

Oh, we get it. Perfect warm up for a managed no deal.

“Yes, Chris Grayling will manage to fit the managing of no Christmas into his daily schedule, as he has plenty of spare time because he doesn’t manage anything already, really.”

So just an ordinary day in the office for the Secretary of State?

“He’s a what?”

A Secretary of State.

“Jesus wept. I knew the UK was mismanaged, but I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought he was a junior minister. It never occurred to me that he had been given so much responsibility. I wouldn’t even bother buying a tree this year, if I were you.”

We asked a representative of Labour what they thought about the government’s test run for next year and they replied,

“We will still have Christmas, so long as we have a magic grandpa and we all believe.”

Theresa May rumoured to be building a shed

The woman alleged to be the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is taking some well-earned time out. The rumour mill says that she is building a shed in her back garden.

Theresa May is following the lead of her un-esteemed predecessor, David Cameron. Cameron, lest we forget, gambled the country’s future on a referendum designed to silence Eurosceptic critics. As we know, the plan backfired magnificently. Instead of hanging around to clear up his mess, Cameron promptly resigned to build a shed.

“I call it the rag shed,” Cameron admitted cheerfully. “I retreat to it whenever the lovely Samantha is on the rag, or loses her rag. A man needs his own space to escape from the harsh realities of living with a woman.”

Cameron reveals that he can spend time in his shed with his fantasies, alternatively called ‘writing his memoirs’. Equipped with a sofa, a desk, wifi, and enough gin to last a fortnight, he no longer needs to engage with his family except when slopping out.

Our mole at Number Ten revealed that Theresa May is secretly building a shed. “She is calling it her Brexit Shed,” said the mole, Andi Livin-Ahole. “She is assembling it in an ad-hoc manner. She keeps firing her incompetent project managers and ignores all guidance on construction.”

The rickety, leaking edifice is nearing completion, Livin-Ahole says. “It must be complete by 29 March,” he reveals. “She won’t extend the deadline even if it collapses about her ears. Which it might well do any moment.”

The attraction of the shed is obvious. You can escape from unwelcome attention and have privacy. May’s supporters have pointed out that sleeping in a shed is better than sleeping under a hedge. “Or under a hedge fund manager,” adds Livin-Ahole, acidly.

Shed means shed. But the image persists of our once-proud PM sitting in the rain, amid the remains of the wrecked shed, a plastic bag over her head, repeating over and over again:

Strong and stable… Strong and stable…

ERG member describes Titanic sinking as a ‘managed no buoyancy’ event

One of the great luminaries of the visionary potatriotic society that is reforming Great Britain into an improvised bit of performance art intended to portray emotionally what it is like to live in cellar eating guano and screaming at strangers who occasionally pop their head down to see if you’ve had a wash (the play is best staged in a mothballed abattoir), has generously turned his fierce intellectual light onto the matter of the Titanic and its sinking.

“It was a managed no buoyancy event,” Mr Satan MP said, “it would be a mistake for people to think it was just a calamity, nothing could be further from the truth.”

The clarity Mr Satan has brought to one of the most resonant events in 21st Century history has been welcomed by people who feared that the similarities between Brexit UK and the loss of the Titanic weren’t a good thing.

“No, this simply isn’t true,” Mr Satan continues, “numerous people managed to survive by sitting in life boats until a buoyancy event rescued them. Of course, very many lifeboats weren’t found until the occupants had frozen to death, but it’s best not to mention them. At least they were continuing to experience buoyancy, which just shows that buoyancy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Or the mass of people who drowned, look the other way out of respect. Or the fact that the whole tragedy could arguably have been avoided with a little less hubris. Hubris is a dynamic force within the spirit of man. It should be embraced.”

Text books will have to be rewritten now to correct what are potentially un-potatriotic perspectives on the Titanic catastrophe?

“The very fact you insist on calling one of the most famous events in the history of modern Britain a catastrophe shows how much work is still to be done.”

And what about a no deal Brexit? To turn for a moment to today’s big issue?

“A managed no deal will be best,” Mr Satan MP smiled, “it’s all just a matter of the words you use. Convince everyone to go along with you and you’re a success.”

Current UK parliament revealed as a Russian man in a parliament suit

LCD Views can report on a tsunami of relief sweeping away concerns across the country today that the UK is the focus of some sort of international, kleptomaniac, far right, fascist coup after the revelation that the current UK parliament is actually just a Russian man in a parliament suit.

“He wears the House of Commons really well,” our College Green fixture, Mr Lawn, reports, “The upper house is just a hat that doesn’t fit, but the lower house, wow, apparently he’s even gone so far as to wear red, white and blue budgie smugglers under the tweed trousers.”

The decision to go with tweed for the entire suit was apparently a controversial one, after all, why not navy blue? But in the end the designers of the suit in the Kremlin, with their partners in the USA and Britain, decided it would be better to blend in with the hoi polloi.

“Calling him Boris has raised a few eyebrows though,” Mr Lawn says, “it’s almost as if the nickname is a homage to someone currently pretending to be an MP. But as you can see by how long the trick has played out, however much time and money they’ve invested to bring it about has so far been worth their while.”

But the knowledge that what seems to generally be amazeballsingly idiotic, callous and just plain stupid behaviour from the 650 MPs currently serving is actually a pre-planned piece of performance art, has soothed nerves.

“There were apparently some concerns that the trick would be exposed soon after it’s launch on the 8th June 2017, but it seems the UK MSM is just not up to the job of wondering why a robot needs to go for a dump so frequently, over everything that made the UK worthwhile.”

Plans to call the performance off are in the pipeline.

“The Russian designers of the act are a little concerned that they’re being outshone by an actual, homemade British robot also seen frequently in Westminster, but as that is programmed to only complete simple tasks such as voicing ‘Brexit means Brexit’ repeatedly, and needs to be constantly turned off and on again or it blue screens, they reckon they’ll keep the gig going for a while yet. At least until the entirety of the UK either crashes or somebody presses the esc key.”

Nanny privately furious with small boy over bed wetting

A nanny employed privately by an ideologically hard pressed family has spoken exclusively to LCD Views this morning about how furious she is with the small boy in her charge over his persistent bed wetting.

”I don’t know what set him off this time,” she told us, “he’s been dry as a bone for the last few weeks. Up too late of course. Talking about how he’ll outlaw abortion and put the women back in their place once he’s king of the world, and other progressive ideas, like zero taxation for the rich.”

It sounds like he has a vivid imagination.

”An over active one I’d say. I’m fed up with it all. I keep having to trudge back up the fourteen staircases in my employer’s modest property to tell him to put the walkie talkie away, stop talking to the naughty boys from bad families over it, turn your light out and GO TO SLEEP!”

But no sooner have you returned to the scullery than you hear him at it again?

”Yes. He doesn’t know I have a walkie talkie tuned to the frequency he and Irritable Duncan, and some rather dim and wayward girls, use to plot their ridiculous schemes to overthrow the governess of the publicly subsidised crèche they all go to, when they can be bothered.”

Do you think the bed wetting is related to some personal disappointment? One he can’t process?

”What? Like realising it’s going to take until after Brexit to privatise the food bank industry?”

Something like that. Or perhaps having received a proper spanking from some other boys?

”Oh, perhaps. But it’s got to stop. Jacob is forty nine for crying out loud! He should know better by now! I fear all he’ll ever amount to is a disaster capitalist masquerading as a permanent backbencher, setting off daft schemes due to an inherent and unjustified sense of entitlement! Still, if little Donald Trump was able to use the money his father earned to buy himself high office, maybe one day, Little Jacob will too.”

I wouldn’t count on it.

Man actually a compost heap

“It was the smell really,” a BBC gardener told us, “that first alerted me to what he really was. That and the way people keep dumping their food waste on him.”

Apparently the man, who is actually a compost heap, spends most of his time hanging about the Radio 4 Today programme studios, when he’s not in the House of Commons piling fetid ideas for making poor people suffer more into the collective policy framework.

”I have been wondering about him before I decided to investigate,” the gardener elaborated, piece of straw in his mouth,

“do you want a piece of straw? I took it up when I decided to stop smoking. I was going to chew on matches like a 70’s film character, but I worried if I accidentally used one of the type that you can strike on any surface to ignite I may set off a gas explosion. So many think tank representatives, and the politicians on their payrolls, roll through the BBC day in and out, it’s pretty much the Hindenburg now.”

So what’s he going to do about the compost heap?

”Turn him over I guess, like any dump for ideas rotten woth ideologcial zealotry and inherited intellectual bias.”

Surely it would be best to move him out to the yard? Pick a good spot.

”Well, the rats would probably find him then and set up shop. He’s not a good compost heap. It takes ages for anything to breakdown in him and besides…”

Besides what?

”I shouldn’t tell really.”

Go on. Tell.

”Okay, but don’t print this.”

We won’t. We promise.

”I’ve seen that old blowhard Humphrys out weeing on him.”

To add nitrates?

”I’m not sure about that, they both seem to enjoy it. More likely it’s some sort of recycling of ideas between the two of them. Perhaps I’ll try growing some tomatoes with the soil he makes next summer. They can’t be anymore toxic than the food crap we’re going to import from the US after Brexit.”