Posted on

“I said treat the flu with leaches, not bleaches” – Donald Trump blames fake news media

DON’T DO WHAT I SAY DO WHAT I SAY I DIDN’T SAY : PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES OF SOME KIND OF AMERICA, and all round colourful character, Donald Trump, has moved today to correct a case of mistaken medicine.

“The fake news media misrecordered what I said about the foreign flu,” The President told a handpicked selection of wood louse and cabbage beetles, “I said they should look into treating the Coronavirus, and any beverage cold, with leaches.”

The clarification occurred whilst dry humping a freshly laundered American flag.

Apparently Mr Trump blames poor recordereding quality for the mistakenly belief he publicly mused on injecting everyday cleaning products directly into ill people. Products like bleach.

Of course leaches have long been popular with the medical community to treat a range of ailments from blood clotting to blood clotting.

“If they put the leaches directly into the ear of the patient than they can travel down to the lungs,” Mr Trump went on, “like they did in that documentary ‘The Wraith of Kahn’. They treated a man with leaches. They put the leach right into his ear and it got right to work. Magnificent impact. Just the greatest changes. Why not? Until we have a vaccine we have to be creative.”

But some critics of the President have seized on the clarification regarding what to do with bleach, apart from clean your toilet.

“The fact he’s had to walk that back shows that he’s not batshit crazy, but actually fully aware of what he is doing. That even for the clown show, which distracts from a lot of bad deeds, there’s a line that can’t be crossed. The self-awareness, it’s evidence of intelligence and calculation. Which is of course, even more terrifying. Clinician with a syringe full of cleaning products and an eye on your lungs, that kind of terrifying.”

Live long and prosper.

Posted on

Cummings enlivens SAGE like an injection of bleach into a CV-19 patient’s lungs, says Downing St

TAKE ONE PILL AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING IF YOU’RE STILL ALIVE : The UK has been an international outlier in the Covid-19 crisis, mostly because we’re determinedly exceptional.

“It’s a real opportunity,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views, “mostly to show the Continentals how to handle a public health crisis like a PR exercise, with scant regard to the impact on the lives of the peasants.”

Just like Brexit then?

“Exactly. It’s why Classic Dom attends SAGE. If you let actual public health experts decide ‘the science’ the Prime Minister is guided by you stand at risk of emerging from the pandemic and still having a social care crisis. If that happens old Bojo will have to come up with a policy. That’s like socialism. Makes you feel a bit sick at the thought. Labour comes up with policies, we come up with stories. It’s why we keep winning. It’s how we’ll win Covid-19. The brave sacrifice of the mighty Britons faced with an emergency none could ever have foreseen. But we rose to the challenge and defeated the virus! Churchill spent a lot of time in a bunker in the Blitz. Boris is spending time in the Chequers cellar. It’s exactly the same.”

But what about people who think actual epidemiologists, virologists and others who specialise in pandemics should decide what we do? You know, instead of the guy found in contempt of parliament?

“Where’s the opportunity in that? We’d end up just following the WHO advice like some subject nation straining under the yoke of trans-national organisational tyranny to regain our sovereignty. We didn’t get blue passports back just to throw it all away keeping NHS staff alive with actual PPE.”

So it’s Dom’s way or the WHO’s way?

“Exactly. Like an intravenous injection of bleach right into the trachea. The guy who headed up the Brexit lobby group found to have broken electoral law will Get Covid-19 Dom! If you’re lucky some of you will live to enjoy the completely unbiased and heroic biopic!”

Posted on

Donald Trump was only following the science, claims Boris Johnson

Disinfectant Donald, the very stable genius, has been defended by Boris Johnson. Like us, he was only following the science.

The man with the bigly brain and the highly convincing fake tan has suggested inoculations with a cleaning fluid that “kills all known viruses dead”. His other suggestions include exposing yourself, internally, to lethal doses of ultraviolet radiation. What could possibly go wrong?

Prime Minister (in name only) Boris Johnson, still self-isolating to avoid any contact with reality, has backed his bombastic buddy from the comfort of his luxury fridge.

“Boris is in good spirits,” disclosed a Downing Street ‘source’. “Distilled spirits, mostly, with a shot of peroxide to maintain the blond barnet. He has been in close consultation with his soul brother across the pond, and has taken his wise deductions to heart.”

The ‘source’ was quick to point out that Boris Johnson wasn’t well enough to do any work, even if he was up to phoning Donald Trump.

“Boris claims it is like talking to a small child,” the ‘source’ went on. “He should know what that’s like, having fathered a few. However, he is in a weakened and vulnerable state, by which we mean the press is finally starting to turn on him. So he has returned to decorating his empty wine boxes with his poster paints, and has passed on Mr Trump’s scientific results.”

This sage advice has been presented to the SAGE committee. Chief medical advisor “Classic” Dom Cummings is trying to inject some Vim into proceedings, if Michael Gove hasn’t managed to snort it all yet.

“There’s always a lot of Vim at these meetings,” said the ‘source’. “Well, some kind of white powder anyway. I hear that they are freebasing Cillit Bang, sniffing Mr Sheen, and coming down with a few rocks of crack co-codamol.”

Following the science, or chasing the dragon? Somebody’s cleaning up, that’s for certain.

Posted on

Man arrested in park after failing to observe social distancing with dragon

IGNORANCE IS NO DEFENCE : A TURKISH-SYRIAN ROMAN MAN HAS BEEN ARRESTED by local police today after flouting social distancing rules.

The man, described by a passersby as “swarthy and a bit foreign looking really” was however dressed in a “traditional British style” of plate mail, and carrying a shield bearing a red cross on a white background.

There are even rumours he featured in a recent BBC documentary “A Very British Way of Dressing”, which explains how something that is a fairly generic trait of all people and societies, is really actually just British.

“I was on my way to pick fruit with Nigel when I saw it,” the passersby told anyone who would listen.

“It was a bit of a shock,” one of the arresting officers told LCD Views, “we normally come here to tell people to go home. To see this man brazenly disregarding social distancing laws with an exotic animal? Well, you can imagine the crowd he was drawing. Public health nightmare. You’d only put on a spectacle like this if you were trying to achieve herd immunity with dragons. We warned the man in ancient Turkish, Syrian and Latin to Romanes eunt domus, but he just gave us a sweaty look. I repeated the order, he drew a sword, and that’s when we tasered him.”

The man has been named by police as Saint George and is thought to be the patron saint of half the countries on Earth.

“I suggest to this so called saint that the next time he wants to slay a dragon, he does it over Zoom,” the arresting officer added.

The BBC is reported to be on the verge of commissioning a special show “A Very British Way of Zooming”, and it is hoped (a reformed) George will feature in that.

Posted on

Government promises to test 100,000 fibs this week

Ramping it up: not content with believing six impossible things before breakfast, the bar has been raised. The new target is 100,000.

Example fibs are rumoured to include ‘We are working day and night’, ‘PPE is on the way’, and “The NHS is safe in our hands’.

This is a big ask for a government which, to date, has been committed to testing just one fib at a time. Unfortunately for them, Keir Starmer, the Sunday Times, and even Piers Fucking Morgan are now refusing to swallow their bullshit. The capacity is there but the will is yet to follow. So the fibs are being ramped up.

It’s all about getting ahead of the curve and flattening it. Facts that have latterly been buried under one pathetic lie are now poking their heads above the parapet, like spring daffodils emerging from beneath a thin layer of manure. Dominic Raab, the least convincing Boris Johnson impersonator since Boris Johnson, is starting to struggle with his grasp on unreality.

This isn’t doubling down. Or even squaring or cubing down. This one’s going exponential, like a virus allowed to spread unchecked through a vulnerable population.

So expect a flood of fibs, a torrent of tosh, a cloudburst of codswallop. Expect more bollocks than the waste disposal unit in a castration station.

Ministers have been very careful not to promise 100,000 new fibs, because even if they strain every sinew they possess, and several they don’t, it’s a target more likely to be honoured in the breach than in the observance. Even the fertile, febrile imagination of “Classic” Dom Cummings would have difficulty creating the necessary untruths in the timescale required. Instead they are trumpeting that they now have the capacity for 100,000 fibs.

It’s all in the syntax. Finally, a tax this government doesn’t want to cut.

Posted on

UK 100K CV-19 tests DAILY milestone hit by counting “any test on anything at all, even home school maths”

IF A SERVING MINISTER IS THROWN UNDER A BUS BEING DRIVEN BY BORIS JOHNSON : UK HEALTH AND SOCIAL CLEANSE MINISTER MATT HANCOCK HAS FACED SOME STICKY SITUATIONS DURING HIS STELLAR RISE IN BRITISH POLITICS.

But none stickier than the dramatic u-turn he performed to become health minister. We spoke to a fictional Matt, who maybe more reliable than the real public persona Matt, to find out more.

“It’s really encouraging to hear that some left wing, liberal, avocado munching, elite, latte drinking snowflakes are starting to feel inklings of sympathy for me,” Matt nodded, like a dog, shown a treat by a Boris Johnson.

“But they shouldn’t. All you have to do is remember how I invoked the war dead in service of my personal ambitions? Then just as rapidly threw them under the bus, in the service of my personal ambitions? I’m not a very sympathetic character. I’m just a man waving, not drowning, as Cummings demands I oversee a public health crisis as first and foremost, a PR disaster.”

This is all good. It allows the disaster capitalists to be busy in the background, even as dead nurses, insufficiently equipped with PPE, pile up at the base of the daily briefing podium?

“That’s very possible.”

But what about the 100K tests? That target, which you set yourself, seems likely to be missed?

“Not if we use the same magic that we use on mortality rates, which is like the statistical magic we worked on unemployment stats. There’s lies, damned lies, and Tory MPs with statistics. Looking at it this way we’ve already hit the target!”

Wow! Well done. That was easier than many expected.

“Yes. We now count any test on anything at all performed anywhere in the UK in the 100K. It makes for a really big number. The UK is performing billions of tests each and every day. Just the exasperated parents home schooling their kids in maths and English get us over the 100K on their own.”

Congratulations Matt. The desire to achieve herd immunity, while simultaneously solving the social care crisis, was looking a bit sticky, what with the Germans doing actual CV-19 tests by the millions.

“Thanks. Can I have a treat now?”

How about a badge that says ‘Matt’?

Posted on

“Now is not the time to criticise the PM” adopted as official slogan for entirety of Johnson premiership

NO TIME TO LOSE : A well placed and entirely fictitious Downing Street source has confirmed today that an official slogan has been adopted to make best use of the unending bin fire of the Johnson/Cummings’ premiership.

“Nunc est tempus procedens reprehendat studium primus minister,” the source said, “old Jacob had his children do the translation as part of their home schooling.”

The release of the slogan is being timed for maximum benefit, with the decision of NHS staff to work without sufficient PPE continuing to distract from the business of sensible and pragmatic governance.

“It’s really a gift,” the source went on, “both the Prime Minister’s new motto and Covid-19. We thought we’d need the cover of No Deal Brexit to completely remake the U.K. in the image of US corporate interests, but here’s a distracting virus. Two dead cat rich environments for the price of one!”

You couldn’t make it up.

But it wasn’t all plain sailing, with a raft of different ancient languages in the running for the slogan.

Latin was eventually chosen, after fierce debate between Johnson and his SPADS at Chequers, over a bottle of Chateau Lator 1950, as Latin is believed to be more accessible to the average voter, even though Mr Johnson’s personal choice was half remembered Ancient Greek.

Which only adds to speculation about who is really running the government. But now is not the time to ask that question either.

Posted on

BREAKING : Leap Years to be abolished

If we get out of this pandemic in one piece, there’s going to have to be some changes made, that’s for certain. Some changes will be major, some will be minor, some will be natural, some will feel odd, but but none will feel quite as odd as moving from December 31st 2023 to January 1st 2025 with a single tick of the clock.

No, time travel has not been invented yet – I have it from a reliable source that it was originally invented in the year 6946, to the double annoyance of the British who had hoped to perfect it in 6945 to mark the 5000th anniversary of VE Day and who not only failed to invent it in time but were beaten to the punch by the Germans – it’s something else.

Leap years are to be abolished.

At the International Time Conference in Greenwich, hosted remotely of course, senior chronologist Justin Thyme announced:

“In recent times leap years have just been so full of crap for the whole human race that we’ve made an emergency decision to get rid of them. It started with the whole Millennium Bug thing, and then there was the recession in 2008, then in 2016 both Brexit and Trump happened and now in 2020 we face potential extinction . . . leap years are not good for us so if we survive this we’re getting rid of them.”

Meaning that calendars in future will run 2021, 2022, 2023, 2025, 2026, 2027, 2029, 2030 and so on. This will of course have a bizarre knock-on effect on birthdays. A person born in 2000 will only be 28 in 2030, and won’t turn 30 until 2033. This will in turn cause chaos in school maths classes.

The greetings cards industry are already scratching their heads on how to tackle the problem but expect to have it sorted in time for the first skipped leap year.

The new calendar will come into effect in 2025, set to commence the minute 2023 ends.

Posted on

Downing Street confirms prime minister attended every Cobra meeting regarding wine supply to Chequers

FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE OF CHABLIS BORDEAUX AND CHAMPAGNE : The prime minister’s dwindling band of mouthy supporters have struck back today against Rupert Murdoch’s plan to replace Boris “took it on the chin” Johnson with the man-tadpole called Gove.

“These libellous rumours that Mr Johnson missed five consecutive Cobra meetings over Coronavirus are true,” an imagined source told LCD Views, “He basically greets such invites in the same robust, defective way he does invites to a birthday party for a child he may, or may not, have fathered.”

Governs like he parents?

“Too much like hard work. Anyway, he didn’t need to go in person because Dominic Cummings was at every one of them. Dominic does policy. Boris does world king. And Dominic has some really far out ideas about how to solve the social care crisis. Like magic. But don’t take that to mean the prime minister never turns up to Cobra.”

So which Cobra meetings does he attend?

“The ones he deems vital to his style of viral governance,” the source confirmed, “the ones to do with securing the constant flow of wine into, and just as vitally, out of the cellars at Chequers, Chevening and 10 Downing Street. He personally convened those ones.”

So guiding the country through crisis is all about a consistent approach?

“That’s it. And following the science both of avoidance of accountability and dishing out the blame.”

Don’t clap for Boris. Raise a glass of Chateau Idiotese 1964. Much more appropriate.

Posted on

Rupert Murdoch said to be ready to change the Downing Street dog

OPERATION LAST GASP : Rumours in the political mills this morning that the old Emperor of the post colonial British Empire, plucky Australian/British/American upstart Rupert Murdoch is ready to change his prime minister again.

“All the little Satans are in a frenzy,” our Satanic mill correspondent reports, “pokers are being sharpened and heated, racks are being restrung, and the political gallows are being erected in the shadow of the giant brass toilet.”

The reason for the frenzy appears to be a reaction to a Twitter feed..

“Mrs MacBeth is almost clinically insane these days with thwarted ambition and she let’s her boss Rupert know about it,” our correspondent continues, “Mr Murdoch can’t sleep at the best of times anyway without that ‘mad English fart’ sounding off. And with the fall of democracy in English speaking, Western countries being partially incomplete. Jerry does her best, but he wakes sweating, screaming about “razing farking Liverpool to the ground and car parking the lot of it”. So something has to be done in the service of a good night’s rest.”

And that something appears to be the shock revelation of Prime Minister Johnson’s blithe and disinterested approach to the pre-match stage of U.K. v CV-19.

“Clearly anyone without blinkers on who was paying attention a couple of months back saw immediately that Johnson’s government of entitled bluffers were going to get Covid done just like they got Brexit (not yet done).”

Shame you can’t gaslight a virus.

“Or delay the consequences of your ideologically driven, human viral sacrificing choices over years and years. Long enough for old Odey to fill his boots again and again. Shame. Pity.”

But what does Mr Murdoch himself say of the rumours?

“Oh he only talks through an ouija board,” our correspondent finishes. “and right now the pointer is blazing out ‘I LIKE TO CHANGE MY PRIME MINISTERS LIKE I CHANGE MY UNDIES. YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT? WHAT’S I”

The sentence remains unfinished, but Mr Johnson’s sentence appears to have been passed.