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Brave Sir Boris!

Bravely bold Sir Boris

Rode forth from Westminster.

Not afraid to do or die,

Oh brave Sir Boris.

He was not at all afraid

To explain his nasty ways.

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Boris.

He was not in the least bit scared

To be rigorously quizzed.

Or to have his lies called out,

And his image broken.

To have his country split

And his party burned away,

And his manifesto mangled

Brave Sir Boris.

His Brexit done

And his ladies laid

And his liver lillied

And his belly yellow

And his nose grown long

And his pants on fire

And his Johnson…

“Don’t look at that photo of the boy sleeping on the coats, there’s dirty work afoot.”

Brave Sir Boris ran away.

Bravely ran away away.

He ran away from Sophy Ridge

He hid inside a great big fridge

He ran away from Andrew Neil

And wouldn’t defend Theresa’s deal

He wouldn’t go on Channel Four

Instead ice melted on the floor

Bravest of the brave, Sir Boris!

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Boris Johnson has nightmare about horror ballot card on eve of Dec 12th GE

X MARKS THE BLOB : A British man is reportedly in a weak and wobbly condition today after suffering from a horrible nightmare during the night.

The man, father of an indeterminate number of children, has been described by locals as an autocratic mop of spaff, bad intentions, desperate insecurities and fascist leanings and is said to have woken screaming next to someone’s wife, or his younger mistress, or a rescue dog that’s been gaffer taped to his leg, or just a big wine spill on a sofa.

“It seems he was dreaming about a fantasy ballot card,” a source inside the home told LCD Views, “and all the choices were unpalatable and he had to choose all of them in his dream. That is why he woke up. He couldn’t face the rest of the dream.”

Although other people, who have known the man for some time, say it sounds like he got away lightly.

“There are so many other boxes that could have been on the ballot paper. His career and personal life is an endless train wreck for other people. And his promises aren’t worth dirt. It’s all starting to mount up. Oh, and he’s happy to risk the breakdown of the actual UK to feed his ego and to fuel racism and race based attacks on the streets. All up it’s a walking, talking bucket of sick with ruffled hair.”

But in spite of the nightmare it is believed he has already voted in the general election, being held today, although curiously not in his home constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip.

“That’s because there were no fridges available in the area that are big enough to hide in in case he gets scared,” the insider explained, “he comes across all tough, but he’s really just a little spoiled brat.”

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Boris Johnson novelty fridge magnets designed to only stick to fridges on the inside

STICK ‘EM WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE : THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY KNOWS BUSINESS and they know when they’re onto a money spinning winner.

And there’s no better time to make money than after a successful general election campaign. It’s not just the donations flooding in from individuals who would rather fund a political party than the NHS. It’s also the merchandising possibilities. They are endless.

“The general election campaign paid for itself, with a profit,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “just the VHS sales of Boris Johnson ripping off ‘Love Actually’ alone paid for several new letter boxes in the Cayman Islands. So too the eco-friendly coffee cups, modelled by Mr Johnson himself on the steps of the short hop aircraft he uses to avoid traffic.”

But VHS tapes and coffee cups aren’t the only collectibles on offer. The Cons are also reacting to events as they occur and monetising them immediately.

“There’s the special range of Boris Tonka trucks, they’re for sale now and will make the perfect gift for the spoiled brat in your life. You can’t build anything with them, which is fitting, but you can certainly demolish a GP surgery or two,” the source advises, “and now we’re manufacturing Boris Johnson fridge magnets to capitalise on his hide ‘n seek job Boris does whenever trouble is brewing. This first happened while he was basically trolling the entire UK by pretending to be a milkman. He hid inside a fridge. Which made for some fun for all the boys and girls. Where’s Boris? He was here just a moment ago? Has that reporter got anything to do with his disappearance?”

This sounds great. There’s always an accountant or lawyer’s bill that needs sticking to the fridge, to ensure one’s tax arrangements remain efficient.

“Yes. Fun and useful. Not every day you get to say that about Boris Johnson. And best of all is the slogan on the magnets.”

What is it?

“Stick ’em where the sun don’t shine.”

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‪“My dad could beat up your dad” – Johnson to give last major speech of GE campaign‬

YOU AND WHOSE ARMY : OUTGOING TORYKIP PRIME MINISTER BORIS ‘the milkman’ de Spaffle JOHNSON has issued a tough challenge to all opposition leaders this morning, as the first GE campaign of 2019 enters the final day.

“My dad could beat up your dad,” Alexander declared, shivering somewhat from hiding in a fridge, yellow on his back and blue in his face, “any time any day. Your dad is a chicken. Bruck! Bruck! Something classical allusion latin.”

The declaration will come as a shock to the other leaders. Especially as the moment he made it little Boris ran away again.

“They think they’re campaigning against a bullish man in his 50’s,” our campaign analyst commented, “but that’s where they’re wrong. They are actually running against a man child so emotionally stunted he never developed to the point of stunting in the first place. An entitled brat with a psychology to fit. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect him to act the bully, but to hide from risk and wait for dad. And to think our political system is current at a point where he can feasibly go on to continue as prime minister? What does that say about the contract between political parties and the electorate? Neither appear to have been taking their responsibilities seriously for a long time.”

And whether or not the other party leaders will take the bait and attempt to organise a dust up behind dads, behind the Westminster bike sheds, is not yet clear.

“It’s likely most will ignore the jibes, as they’re grown ups, and just keep on campaigning.”

But while the declaration from Little Bojo may never actually be tested, it’s very utterance, added to the stunt with the JCB yesterday, suggests that the UK would be better served giving Boris Johnson a set of Tonka trucks to play with tomorrow and then kindly tell him to piss off.

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Kuenssberg and Peston believed to have been taken by Boris Johnson and shoved in his pocket

MISSING IN ACTION : Relief today as the location of missing media celebrities, Laura “Boris on a park bench” Kuenssberg and Robert “We want you to come back from wherever you went” Peston has been revealed.

“No one is quite sure when Laura went missing,” our ‘news is entertainment’ analyst comments, “but it’s been painfully obvious she’s been MIA for a long time. Peston is more troubling though. He has just kind of faded from view over the last few years, as if under a spell, until yesterday POP! he suddenly vanished altogether.”

And it was the dual disappearance that really engaged the sleuths.

“It was actually a very cut and dried case once people went looking,” our man goes on, “the clue to their location was right there before us all, on video. It was blindingly obvious they were in the same place as that reporter Pike’s missing mobile phone. We all know Boris Johnson has very deep pockets, even if we’re not entirely sure how, so it was natural to look in there.”

And that’s exactly where the missing ‘democracy is now just reality TV’ hosts were to be found.

“We couldn’t get Laura to come out, although we’re still trying. Robert we tHiNk has been drawn in by some kind of slow acting charm. We’re hoping a magical practitioner can counter it. Although we’re managing expectations.”

It’s a good news story though. When both high profile Tory ‘source’ messengers vanished after the Matt Hancock put up job outside Leeds Infirmary, it seemed they maybe lost forever.

Of course the real question remains unanswered.

Just whose pocket is Boris Johnson in?

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Man who doesn’t understand the value of a stable family home happy to destabilise other people’s

SO MANY NESTS TO LAY IN AND SO LITTLE TIME : Outgoing British prime minister Boris “White Sofa” Johnson has made a dramatic return to the headlines in the closing stages of the 2019 GE campaign.

In a bold move yesterday, while at a fish market (and smelling more fishy than the catch of the day), Mr Johnson reached deep into the gutter and pulled a play out of the Leave EU ethno-nationalist playbook.

“He’s really gunning for the racist vote,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “by bringing up EU migration in the closing stages of the campaign? Classic. Use other humans as political footballs, regardless of the consequences of your cheap words. Genius. Just as the polls look at breaking point too for his party.”

Can you imagine the anxiety and fear his words caused in millions of homes? And let’s not forget, he’s causing that in the homes of British immigrants, sorry, ex-pats, too.

Clearly Mr Johnson knows about the value of stability in the family home, having experienced it with several families of his own. Also, if the rumour mill is correct, having caused it in other people’s families via brief encounters. He knows what he’s messing with. He just doesn’t care.

How many kids does he have again? Someone find out and tell him?

“Can you imagine how it feels to hear the exceptional British prime minister yesterday? To have moved to the UK legally from an EU27 state, in many cases decades ago. Fallen in love here. Settled down. Started a family. Paid your taxes all the while. Felt like your home was here and it is,

“And now along comes the prime minister, actually successive prime ministers, to upend all that,

“And one famously born in another country, raised mostly in a different country again and with more countries involved in his own family story? That takes some brass neck. That’s apparently political leadership in the UK. We fought fascism. We keep telling everyone. Now we’re on the road to it and we’re paving it with cobbles of exceptionalism and exclusion.”

This is Brexit of course. If a politician is validating Brexit as a project still, after all that is now known, they are fuelling Boris.

How many additional votes the migration play will gain Mr Johnson isn’t clear, but it doesn’t matter anyway (to him), there is apparently no consequence for Mr Johnson. Which explains why he is the way he is most likely, but there will certainly be a consequence for old Blighty if we don’t teach him a lesson this Thursday. And for the many millions of people conveniently disenfranchised in the Brexit story.

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Let’s get parliament working again, says man who closed it down

Let’s get parliament working again, is the cry from Boris Bollocks Johnson. This, don’t forget, is the man who prorogued parliament to stop it from doing its job.

Meanwhile, Bollocks has decided to hold an election, during which period parliament will not sit. These are the actions of a man who does not want parliament to operate at all.

It’s such a load of nonsense that it deserves to be plastered on the side of a big red bus.

Joining it will be all the promises of extra nurses, police, funding and so on. Numbers so fanciful that they may have been crunched by Diane Abbott herself.

Bollocks’ nose grows another inch every time he says “Let’s Get Brexit Done”. His proboscis currently circles the globe three and a half times.

Let’s Get Brexit Done, or LGBD, is a carefully chosen slogan. In the words of Bollocks himself, it’s a crude attempt to attract the votes of tank topped bum boys.

LCD Views naturally wanted to find out what passes for the truth these days, from the horse’s mouth. Our Verifiable Veracity correspondent sought out Captain Bullshit for an explanation.

“It’s, erm, well, yes indeed, absolutely, golly, erm, no, yes,” confirmed Bollocks himself. “I closed parliament to get it working again. It’s the same with, erm, technology and stuff, isn’t it, that’s what Jennifer Arcuri told me – allegedly, ha ha! – you turn it off and turn it on again. Works with all the fillies, erm, well, yes, what was the question again?”

We showed him a picture of the relevant headlines, but he pocketed the device, in order to provide a demonstration of the Tories’ policy with regards the NHS.

Fortunately he did return the device, albeit minus the photos and the contact details of all our female acquaintances.

Interestingly, “Let’s get Brexit done” is an anagram of “Bots entered ex gilt”.

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Matt Hancock placed in medical coma after bruising encounter with the truth

WHY WALK INTO A LAMP POST WHEN A HAND WILL DO : Healthy Secretary Matt Hancock has been famous for receiving £32,000 pounds from a think tank seeking to abolish the NHS for some time, but now he’s adding other strings to his stringy little bow.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/nhs-privatisation-donations-matt-hancock-health-secretary-institute-economic-affairs-a8442001.html

“He’s nailed social media,” our campaign analyst nods approvingly, “have you seen his videos? Journey of the haunted man. Quite compelling. Or is it the journey of the empty vessel? I guess given that he invoked the actual war dead from WW2 as part of his joke play to be PM, and then reversed his stance regarding prorogation for short term careerism, well, empty maybe more appropriate.”

But he wasn’t finished there. The high points keep coming.

“Yes. Now he’s gotten involved in the Leeds Infirmary story. The Tories needed something to show they care about the NHS and sick kids. Which they don’t. Quite clearly, or they wouldn’t have spent the last ten years underfunding the NHS and cutting resources to children’s services,

“Anyway, I digress. The story of a four year old with suspected pneumonia was just the ticket. And what timing too! As they suddenly needed a way to distract from Boris Johnson stealing a reporter’s phone as the reporter attempted to show that bloated blonde bag of fetid wall spaff an image of the four year old. Here the head begins eating the tail of course,”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-50717400/general-election-2019-johnson-puts-reporter-s-phone-in-pocket

“So little Matt was dispatched to Leeds Infirmary for the first time in his life to show he was action Matt. And what luck when he got there to find a few Labour activists. Now all the party of government, that’s been waging economic war against the country’s most vulnerable for years, needed to do was find a way to convert the whole thing into the perception of them being under attack. They did this by having one of Matt Hancock’s aides walk blindly into the back of a man’s hand. Then they claimed assault. Then Kuenssberg and Peston, and others, went off like little puppies with a treat to yap the news to everyone.”

Then the video of the event emerged?

“Yes. Funny. Given how enthusiastic Little Matt is about putting videos on social media that it didn’t occur to them that someone may video the event and put it on social media.”

Didn’t occur to two of the country’s most highly paid ‘reporters’ either.

Funny that. The truth will out. If the latest bit of GE farce makes you wonder if the Tories are just making everything up as they go along in a desperate spin cycle, then you’re probably right. I wonder what they’ll go on to make up if they’re allowed to keep running the country?

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UK to vote on Thursday whether or not to replace unicorn in coat of arms with kipper

TUB THUMPING DOG WHISTLING PRIME MINISTERIAL COUNTRY DEMOLITIONING : NEWS of a fresh rift between outgoing PM Boris Johnson and his spiritual guide, Nigel Farage, today after Mr Johnson’s latest bit of grass roots electioneering.

Apparently the furore centres on what is to replace the unicorn in the UK’s coat of arms. A subject Mr Johnson raised at a fish market, wherein he almost got lost, as he himself is so exceptionally fishy.

“Replacing the unicorn is necessary to get the public used to the actual benefits of Brexit,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “the end of GP surgeries and the introduction of kids fighting over the one school meal provided in their district each day. That’s understood. But what to replace it with is the issue.”

It seems, unusually for something Brexit related, the decision to make a big change was taken with shockingly limited thought as to what to actually do after the decision.

“Boris Johnson wants to put the actual kipper he held on stage at the BBC Daft Comedy Awards into the actual coat of arms,” the source continues, “as he believes this fish, and the associated lies he told while holding it as a prop, best illustrate the UK’s new direction.”

What’s wrong with that? Surely Nigel Farage, perhaps the most famous kipper of them all, would see it as a fitting testament?

“Well, it’s not that the frog faced, replica human from the Planet Proto-Facist isn’t complimented. But he feels a more fitting, new symbol of modern Britain under Brexit would be a plaster cast of a patriotic British knee.”

This dispute is likely to play out for a while. One thing is certain though, if the UK’s voters return Johnson to power this Thursday they will be declaring to the entire world that we’re now just a little nation of kippers. Let’s hope they choose to deserve a different government…

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Elections reclassified as sport to prevent Russian interference

Following Russia’s shock four year ban from international sports by the World Anti-Doping Agency, the International Olympic Committee have taken further steps to prevent Russian cheats prospering in international events.

They have reclassified voting as a sport.

“It’s simple,” spokesman Will Wynn-Fairley explained. “We hear all the time about Russia meddling in other countries’ elections, so now they’ve been banned from international sports, we might as well count voting as a sport to prevent them from cheating in that.”

If so then it would be a great stride forward for democracy.

Russian president Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment.

The ban would not extend to their own national elections, which would carry on as normal. Or as normal as their democratic process can be called.

Donald Trump was also unavailable for comment, although sources close to the White House reported a very loud wailing and screaming coming from the Oval Office.

We were able to get an interview with Boris Johnson however, who said:

“It’s disgraceful, if the Russians can’t interfere in our elections, the people might not vote in our – er, their, yes, definitely their, best interests. It’s like someone telling Zeus that he’s not allowed to father children with mortals, you just can’t do it, think of how different Greek mythology would be then.”

I couldn’t help but think his choice of example was very revealing of his own passions.

The Russian sporting ban has not yet come into effect, nor will it in time for this current election. However, when it does, we will all be able to breathe a little easier. If the Tories haven’t privatised oxygen by then in an effort to kill the poor by asphyxiation.