Posted on

Cons promise no child will be more than 15mins away from a Boris Johnson lie

ARE WE STILL DOING THIS : The Conservatives have thrown another lure in the electoral waters this weekend by making another promise they intend to keep.

“I can promise you we are going to keep lying,” Mr Soul Less, MP for Confusion, told LCD Views, “in fact if we win the GE this week, we’ll have so many promises to keep, that we have no interest in keeping, that we’re going to have to get properly industrial with the lying. Just to meet demand.”

It’s believed the industrialisation of political deception will be a boon for the economy, and will easily replace the automotive sector in share of national output.

“We’ll export the lies too. We’ll bloody have to, there’s going to be so many of them stacked up across the country.”

And good British children are expected to share in the bounty.

“No British child will be more than 15mins away from a Boris Johnson lie,” Mr Less continued, “once we get our majority and pass the executive power grab on page 48, then we’ll ban protest and any message contrary to the Downing Street ‘sources’. But this won’t lead to a loss of income for the country’s billboard owners. We will plaster them all with lies. This way patriotic British children skipping to school, or for a day in the workhouse, they’ll see them all.”

To show the intent behind the child focused policy Mr Less unveiled another policy.

“You may have heard Ms Morgan waffling on about football pitches this weekend? As if that’s what we need to spend hundreds of millions on? Well, we do, having forced state schools to sell off all their playing fields to buy basic educational supplies. But to make the football pitch policy come true we will convert every food bank into a football pitch. And then we’ll force the little blighters to play for food.”

Global Britain. Unleashing its potential in a way those who voted for Brexit back in 2016 never imagined.

Posted on

Vatican investigation into West Suffolk “selfie” apparition reveals it’s just Matt Hancock

CURSED TO WALK FOREVER FILMING NONSENSE : LCD Views can confirm today that the Exorcist, sent by the Vatican, to West Suffolk at the request of terrified constituents has concluded his investigation into the ‘selfie’ apparition.

“It’s still walking the streets and pavements at dawn most days,” Father Pater Pater confirmed, “I have seen it with my own eyes. It’s definitely ghoulish. It’s aims are certainly terrifying. But it’s of this world. I can not exorcise West Suffolk for you.”

The ‘selfie’ apparition first appeared in the area some weeks ago and initially appeared to modernise hauntings by posting short video blogs of itself screaming into the void on Twitter. Sometimes trees appeared to grow out of its head. Other times it was just the darkness surrounded dead eyes. Now and then it seemed to fancy possessing a motor vehicle.

Initial reports also said the apparition focused heavily on scaring people with nonsense maths about nurses, quiet outsourcing of the services related to national health, curious receipt of monies by US private health lobbyists and even invoking the war dead in a cynical attempt to become Head Ghoul of the Walking Dead Party. That alone should have seen it sent back to whatever ghastly realm it has escaped from.

That is possible, but it won’t be achieved by supernatural means.

“It’s Matt Hancock,” Father Pater Pater shrugged, “West Suffolk can exorcise itself next week at the ballot box. I’d advise you to do so lest your NHS becomes a dead zone.”

Posted on

Boris Johnson says people are bored of political interviews and would much prefer fascism

NO LAUGHING MATTER : The UK’s outgoing prime minister, Boris ‘if it moves I’ll shag it’ Johnson, has provided clarity today over his refusal to be grilled, basted, roasted, boiled alive and generally severely singed by his fellow Barclay Brother’s employee Andrew Neil.

“The great people of this great nation are bored of political interviews,” Mr Johnson revealed, having decided the matter for himself, “they’d much prefer some good old fashioned, straight talking fascism.”

And it seems so far as this matter goes Mr Johnson has the courage of his convictions, not always something that has been said about him.

All you have to do is look deeply into the (mostly) slogan-scat smeared pages of his party’s election manifesto to find proof.

“Page 48,” he went on, “you’ll find it in there. Total wipeout of parliamentary sovereignty, and just like Brexit, we expect the people to vote for it. Ha!”

And there’s more to it. Not only is there a smash and grab for executive power, there’s news of how Mr Johnson will convey his message to the grated British people, if the people, and then parliament, are confused and cowed enough to allow it.

“Following in the footsteps of the great orators of the past,” Mr Johnson added, “Mussolini, Sadam, Eddie H and so on, I will talk directly to the people I govern. In this way, as the boot of fascism presses down on their chests, they will understand why.”

And he will do this via the good old fashioned, British invention of television.

“24/7 streaming of my thoughts, via your British made LCD flatscreen, into every living, and dead room in the land. And if you don’t watch, we’ll know.”

Let’s Get Brexit Done and watch Boris Johnson’s ratings soar.

It is still a choice, for now, and you don’t have to vote for it…I know I won’t.

Posted on

UK set to decide if representative parliament is still a good defence against thick voters

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 12th OF DECEMBER : Get Brexit Done is the slogan outgoing Prime Minister Boris “f*ck democracy” Johnson’s aides repeat ad nauseously on his social media accounts. He’s told us himself that he doesn’t really do the Twittersphere, but someone does in his name then?

It’s an interesting pitch. The one aim over half of the country does not want achieved. That is his electoral pitch.

No longer is the aim to govern for all, but to govern for only those that support your agenda and the rest can go whistle.

It’s been this way since May’s “citizens of nowhere” speech heralded the new age in British democracy. The age in which political leaders of the right, and the left, decided proven electoral lawbreaking didn’t undermine democracy.

And now the very nature of our governance is up for grabs.

Many say, with no little justification, that FPTP has had its day. If they eventually prevail in changing the system, with no help from the old duopoly who quite like it, FPTP will he replaced by something more representative.

And representative democracy is the way we’ve usually done it. And if we allowed the question to be direct, it was heavily safeguarded.

Not so with Brexit. An advisory referendum, corrupted by the unscrupulous, has been transformed magically into a mandate from the heavens, regardless of the crime and snake oil and risk.

And once more direct democracy’s advisory Brexit goes to the representative ballot box. December 12th.

A representative parliament. The people choose who represents them. It’s been a good system. So many are too overworked to decide on matters of daily governance. Or too ill. Or too young. Or too dumb, that too. Those who refuse to inform themselves and allow the spin doctors and media to hold sway. So we guard against all by employing people to make it their job to protect us and progress the country.

But the system is at breaking point. The thick are in the ascendancy within and without the hallowed halls.

December 12th, the make or break of representative democracy? Either way it will be a day to remember.

Posted on

Time travellers identify Jack the Ripper as Jacob Rees-Mogg

The incident of Jack the Ripper has long fascinated every amateur and professional sleuth in the country, but now it seems there is a new angle to the case. Some fresh evidence has emerged – or is going to emerge – that will completely reshape – or has reshaped – how we think about the character of the famous Victorian serial killer.

Time travellers have (allegedly) returned from the year 5349 with a rather eyebrow-raising perspective. Future historian Professor Les Gobak, who claims to have been born in the year 5296, offered this take on the situation:

“Jack the Ripper escaping from his own time was an accident, and we apologise whole-heartedly. One of my team was doing some investigation in London in the year 1888, and encountered Jack the Ripper who killed her and took her time key. However it was set with a security mechanism which limits unauthorised use. If someone does use it without the proper identification, it will just transport them a century forward in time and then self-destruct, leaving the user stranded in a time completely foreign to them.”

So Jack the Ripper escaped into the late 20th century. That would explain why he was never caught. But then what?

“We detected the unauthorised use of the key, but unfortunately we couldn’t get back to the exact year, too much nuclear fallout from the Chernobyl explosion. Nuclear disasters on that scale make it impossible for us to be accurate within a decade when travelling back. This is the closest we have been able to get to, but we can confirm that ‘Jack’ is still alive and doing very well for himself.”

Does that mean the time travellers from the future can make a positive identification of this scoundrel?

“We can. It wasn’t hard. All we had to do was look for someone with their head in the past, spouting Victorian values. Obviously at this period in British politics there’s quite a lot of candidates for this but we had no difficulty in identifying Jacob Rees-Mogg as the guilty party.”

I was about to ask the professor all sorts of questions about how he was certain but they all died on my lips because his statement actually answers them all. The only question remaining was, if his identification was accepted, what was to be done about him?

“He [allegedly] killed one of my team and escaped from his own time. That means he has to face justice in the 54th century. It will be easier to extract him if he can be removed from his position of power though. The less sway he holds in this time, the less damage he can do to future history.”

Presumably this is why Professor Gobak turned up now?

“Yes. If the people can get rid of him democratically, that’ll be enough, and we can take it from there.”

The whole story sounded crazy, but somehow had the ring of truth to it. Justice is now dependent on the votes in general, and North East Somerset in particular. If you want Jack the Ripper to stand trial for his crimes, vote against Jacob Rees-Mogg and his party come election day.

Posted on

UK’s national anthem “God Save The Queen” replaced by recording of slogan “Get Brexit Done”

NATIONAL TANTRUMS : Drama and scandal today after Downing Street revealed the UK’s national anthem, ‘God Save Someone’, has been replaced by an audio clip of the slogan ‘Get Brexit Done’.

The updating to a more focused set of words isn’t the cause of concern, but rather the name of the choir chosen to record it.

“Shortly before 7am this morning a furious Archbishop oF Cantandbury released a press statement demanding to know why the CofE boy’s choir had not been given the honour of recording ‘Get Brexit Done’, even though he has personally supported the project,” a national anthem matters correspondent reports,

“the decision to have the Conservative Party Boys Choir record the slogan instead is not going to be ‘just brushed under the carpet like the awareness of electoral crimes, the upsurge in racism and religious intolerance caused by the political decision to Brexit, based on a criminally corrupted, advisory, national opinion poll’ declared the Archedbishop.”

In this he has been supported by numerous cantilevered members of clergy and a concave nun.

And the Archedbishop wasn’t done with just that.

“I demand the immediate re-recording of the slogan by the CofE or you just wait to see how much pushback there is over secret government plans to dissolve the Church of England and use the sale of its assets to pay for Brexit!”

Downing Street has not officially responded to the demands yet, although a source did say off the record,

“Boris Johnson’s government will bend over backwards to maintain vigorous relations with the church and all its representatives and so will allow the CofE to record the B-side of a special Christmas release of ‘Get Brexit Done’ to be called ‘Morally Validating Electoral Crimes Never Hurt Anyone,.”

More on this story as it develops tumescently and eventually explodes, said the bishop.

Posted on

Priti Patel says EU membership is incompatible with plans to reimpose feudalism in England

DIG UNTIL YOU DIE : Welcome clarity today from the Home Secretary Priti Patel on why her government just has to get the UK out of the EU. And not just so the UK can enter the final stage of its long life cycle and disintegrate.

“Do you want to revolutionise the economy and cut all that red tape or not?” a pumped up Priti demanded today, at an imaginary hustings in Witham, “do you want full employment and not have to worry about your pension in your old age? It’s time to choose. By raising the pension age to 100 and making everyone do field work, regardless of the time of year, we can rid patriotic Britons of the fear of poverty in old age, by ridding them of the unwelcome reality of old age completely.”

It is indeed time to choose. Time for the country to decide who governs it and in which century the governing happens.

“For too long EU red tape has held back the return of serfdom to the United Kingdom,” Ms Patel enthused, “backs that could be breaking in toil in fields are right now in ergonomic office chairs thinking of voting for Labour, Libdems or even the Greens. We can fix that. We can fix that with a Boris Johnson majority. It’s not like he’ll be paying any attention at all to what I do with you after. Just as Dave “hug a hoodie” Cameron gave scant regard to Ms May’s creation of the hostile environment. And look what bold strides we have taken since!”

Indeed!

“We can fix broken Britain with you, with you holding a hoe in a muddy field of your own. Or more correctly a field you’re renting with 80% of your produce, off a Tory MP.”

What’s not to like! The EU can’t hold us back once we rid ourselves of its insufferable tendency to enfranchise citizens with rights.

“You have a right to dig in daylight hours, and beyond, and I have a right to be wear shoes with toes so long I can’t possibly be expected to move from my throne. Let’s get Brexit done and take the UK backwards! Back to a time when everyone knew their place.”

Wonderful. Be a bloody shame if she loses her seat in the GE. I wonder what sort of electoral calculation will be needed by the opposition parties to bring that about?

Posted on

Pulsating vein on Dominic Raab’s right temple files for divorce citing “unreasonable behaviour”

WHAT IS THE RPM OF ONE RAAB : It hardly needs be said that in the closing stages of a general election campaign the last thing anyone campaigning for re-election needs is the beginnings of divorce proceedings.

But that is exactly the cruel fate that has befallen one of the stars of US imperial capitalism, Dominic ‘the navigator’ Raab, even while he fights a winner takes all battle against reality in Esher and Walton.

“Shortly before 9am this morning a throbbing vein appeared on the steps of the Old Bailey to hold a press conference,” our marital matters correspondent reports, “the vein itself, dressed in a black lace face covering and a wooly jacket, was still immediately recognisable as the one usually to be found pulsating on the right temple of the man who discovered Dover.”

But it seems being in a union with the man responsible for recently revealing that the UK’s mainland is an island is not all it seems.

“Dominic and I have been as one for as long as I can remember,” the vein said, in a voice that went DA-dum DA-dum in rhythm, “I believe, thanks to regression therapy, that we were together even before I become self-aware. But. BA-but. All good things must come to An-d end. Today I am announcing I Ha-ve petitioned for divorce from Dominic and I wish to begin a new life as an entirely separate entity.”

The reasons given for the petition appear to be unreasonable behaviour.

“The pressure of coping with his accelerating pulse, each time he appears in public to dissemble has become too much,” the vein explained, “so too the effort to contain his rising blood pressure when people repeat to Dominic the things he’s said in the past, both about the NHS and women. Oh, and food banks. Oh, and Brexit. I persisted with him, in spite of my misgivings, during his attempts to bully the EU. A laughable and embarrassing series of private moments in which I must confess I found myself looking longingly at the smooth temple of Michel Barnier. But DOm’s sheer blood pounding bafflement at the recent GE hustings has broken the final bonds between us.”

Concerns were expressed by the assembled press corp over how the vein expected Mr Raab to cope without it?

“I have already arranged for a section of standard, garden hose pipe to replace me on his RI-ght temple. I suspect he will go on largely unaffected. As for myself? I expect to appear on Love Island next year. And I expect to find love anew on that desperate patch of sand and put recent experiences behind me.”

LCD Views would like to wish the vein good luck as it continues its journey into sentience and hopes that one day it will find a new temple to pulsate on, much to the amazement of all onlookers.

Posted on

UK anticipating studies proving Lab would have won majority if they’d joined GE electoral pacts

PURITY OF ESSENCE MANDRAKE : The flurry of polls that come out each and every day have so far masked one of the more important aspects of the current general election campaign.

They’ve focused predominately on the daily argy-bargy of the GE campaign, the rising and falling of the stars on show, but little attention has been given to studies about what UK voters anticipate to come after the result is in.

Thankfully the University of East Fukit, located in the town of Fukitmore, in the county of Fourfuksak, has turned the attentions of its newly created polling department to assessing the reactions to various outcomes from the varied, possible GE results.

“Clearly it’s still all to play for,” head of the department, Professor Ohmygod, told LCD Views, “any outcome, from a Tory majority which releases a face eating plague upon the country, to a Labour one which sees FDI evaporate overnight, due to the current Labour leadership’s almost total silence on Tory electoral lawbreaking, is possible. But the hottest of the potatoes is surprisingly focused on what academics will make of a Tory victory.”

And it seems the expectations here are very straightforward.

“People are eagerly anticipating all the robust academic studies that will follow the GE result which will prove, without fail, that if the current Labour leadership had gotten off its high horse and engaged in marginal seat electoral pacts, not only would the Tories have been completely humiliated at the GE, but Labour would have won a majority.”

As it stands that’s unlikely, everyone must just vote for Labour, because party allegiance, and road to Damascus conversions, are more important than getting the Tories out.

“Well, it all depends on how hard you really want to get the Tories out, doesn’t it? Working with other parties Labour could see Raab, Rees-mogg, IDS, Redwood, Gove and even Boris Johnson booted out, but they’d just have to accept the price of that will be allowing opposition parties to win some other seats they were never going to win anyway.”

That’s tough.

“I’d say it’s blinding, bloody obvious if you want to get the Tories out.”

But maybe it’s more important that the supporters of Corbyn, and party tribal supporters of the other leaders, get to feel more virtuous? Even if they will then be eating rat under a Boris Johnson majority? At least they will be able to entertain themselves blaming each other? What’s so bad about that?

“Quite a lot, judging by our data. Grass roots campaigners from all parties are pulling together in various areas, and all the opposition parties in England, Wales and NI, bar Labour, have agreed to work together in dozens of seats. But what would totally do for the Tories, and most likely see Corbyn enter Downing Street, would be for the biggest opposition party to get involved.”

If that doesn’t happen, we will just have to pin our hopes on the common sense of the ordinary voter…

Posted on

Downing St reveals plan to make EU27 visitors pledge oath of allegiance to Brexit to get visa

FREEDOM OF NO SENSE : “If Brexit is to succeed everyone needs to get behind Brexit,” so began the speech this morning by a Michael Gove impersonator, dressed as a piece of used dental floss washed up on a river bank, “and that means our friends and our neighbours too. No matter how bad we treat them.”

So much so standard for Brexit fare. But what seemed like just tired repetition of a limp Brexit word salad was an opening to a new door. Whether it will be an open or shut door is not entirely clear.

“And part of making a success of Brexit will rest on the shoulders of those EU27 visitors who will continue to flock to the shores of Britannia even after we’ve told them all to get stuffed.”

Clearly.

“And this is where EU27 citizens of nowhere will really be put to the test. Just how bad do you want to come to Brexit Britain? How green with envy are you? Green enough to take the oath?”

The what now?

“Under plans being drawn up by my department, the PM’s SPADs and Priti Patel, there will be a simple way to prove that you’re worthy of entry to our promised land of sunlit uplands, unicorn hamburgers and children fighting over coats made of cats.”

Oh, that’s alright then. What is it?

“All anyone will need to do is take an oath of allegiance to Brexit and they will be granted a visa, after we gene type them and charge them £1,000 for the privilege.”

This sounds better than FOM. But what about UK citizens travelling to the EU27 after Brexit? Once the oath of allegiance becomes a thing?

“We do not anticipate the remaining EU countries will impose anything similar on our citizens. After all, we’re British.”