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Downing St reveals plan to make EU27 visitors pledge oath of allegiance to Brexit to get visa

FREEDOM OF NO SENSE : “If Brexit is to succeed everyone needs to get behind Brexit,” so began the speech this morning by a Michael Gove impersonator, dressed as a piece of used dental floss washed up on a river bank, “and that means our friends and our neighbours too. No matter how bad we treat them.”

So much so standard for Brexit fare. But what seemed like just tired repetition of a limp Brexit word salad was an opening to a new door. Whether it will be an open or shut door is not entirely clear.

“And part of making a success of Brexit will rest on the shoulders of those EU27 visitors who will continue to flock to the shores of Britannia even after we’ve told them all to get stuffed.”

Clearly.

“And this is where EU27 citizens of nowhere will really be put to the test. Just how bad do you want to come to Brexit Britain? How green with envy are you? Green enough to take the oath?”

The what now?

“Under plans being drawn up by my department, the PM’s SPADs and Priti Patel, there will be a simple way to prove that you’re worthy of entry to our promised land of sunlit uplands, unicorn hamburgers and children fighting over coats made of cats.”

Oh, that’s alright then. What is it?

“All anyone will need to do is take an oath of allegiance to Brexit and they will be granted a visa, after we gene type them and charge them £1,000 for the privilege.”

This sounds better than FOM. But what about UK citizens travelling to the EU27 after Brexit? Once the oath of allegiance becomes a thing?

“We do not anticipate the remaining EU countries will impose anything similar on our citizens. After all, we’re British.”

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IQ Over and Out : Gov changes immigration system to deport anyone with IQ greater than Johnson

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A GENIUS TO STAY HERE : Brexit Britain will be certain of strong and stable governance from a consistently dim and consistent executive if Boris Johnson wins a majority at the National IQ test on December 12th.

Go Home Secretary Priti Patel announced sweeping changes to be brought into the immigration and border control systems should the party of sociopaths prevail.

“I will enjoy myself immensely,” Ms Patel told a hall packed with half baked scones and Conservative brand crackers, which all contain nuts, “just imagining a country which I rule where every home is fitted with a state of the art security and surveillance system is keeping me awake at night. Let’s just say house prices won’t be a problem for graduates anymore.”

Under the proposed changes each dwelling will be kept locked when the occupants aren’t at field work on a Tory MP estate. A control centre at the Home Office will monitor Britons and allow them out to work and see them safely back indoors and under lock and key.

“But what’s more, working in conjunction with our partners in US private health, Little Matt Hancock will send your genome across the pond for analysis. Anyone failing a perfectly designed points based system of genetic profiling will be expelled from the UK. Not everyone can enjoy the benefits of Brexit Britain.”

Not everyone will want to.

“And there’s more. To ensure everyone is happy with the wholesale destruction of their rights and civil liberties, Brexit Britain will start by clearing house with a national IQ test.”

The test is aimed to determine anyone with an IQ greater than Boris Johnson. These people will be deported to the EU27 to make a new life unassisted by the UK Gov.

“Clearly the entire serving cabinet will pass the test. So too anyone standing to be a Tory MP. No one smarter than Boris would be seen dead with us these days. A new world beckons Britons, but only if you’re dumb enough to allow it.”

IQ over and you’re out!

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Rees-mogg and Johnson BUST up over who has the most children

EVERY SPERM IS SACRED : The reason that Victorian sperm fountain, Jacob Rees-mogg, is so hard to locate today has been revealed with the fake news of a bust up between him and Boris Johnson.

“He’s in hiding,” our NE Somerset reporter reports, “I’ve been looking for him for months. I almost caught him last week, but the giant blue rosette he was wearing turned into a floating carpet and he sailed away back to the rock he hides under. Which is a shame. I wanted to ask him some fire safety advice.”

But more importantly, why is he in hiding? Is he not seen as an electoral asset? Baffling if so!

“It’s not because of the shameful things he said about Grenfell, that any human with an ounce of dignity would have already resigned from public office over.”

Okay, is it being part of a plan to hoodwink the aged monarch into unlawfully suspending parliament?

“Don’t make me laugh. Water off a duck’s back to old Jacob that was. Remember when he and Steve Baker used parliamentary privilege to malign the civil service with concocted smears? So no, it’s not that.”

Was it lying stretched out contemptuously on the green benches during a pivotal parliamentary debate? Leader of the House come liar of the house?

“Really. You aren’t showing the sort of imagination I expect. And before you mention it, no, it’s not moving his investment fund to Dublin to escape the financial carnage of Brexit. And it’s not the money he’s invested in a sanctioned Russian bank.”

I’ve got it! The sales of his book on Victorians? Written from a first hand perspective.

“The wonderfully woeful sales? No. Not that. He has no shame.”

Then what?

“Apparently he got into a bust up with Boris Johnson over who has fathered the most children.”

Well, they both have fathered six…although Boris Johnson doesn’t seem too keen on the aftercare.

“Are you sure on the number? Boris wouldn’t tell even Jacob, he just said, allegedly, five or six, but perhaps a dozen more. Jacob was so furious he went home into seclusion until he’s fathered seventus, eightus, ninthus and maybe even more. Pater v Pater!”

Nanny is going to be busy!

“With a man child like Jacob Rees-mogg to care for, Nanny never gets a day’s rest.”

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“Get Hatred Done!” – UK’s voters to decide if they still want a government that hates them?

GET DEMOCRACY DONE : The power is in the hands of the people this month as UK voters go to the polls for the third time in five years as the fixed term parliament act continues to blaze like a bin on fire.

“You need to be careful to mention that the power is not just in the hands of the people,” a Downing Street source interrupted, helpfully, “it’s also in the hands of foreign kleptocrats and tax-dodging billionaire media moguls. Oh, and clearly in the hands of social media megaliths who are currently unaccountable to anyone. This is democracy!”

And the key question in this national act of democracy will be, have the UK voters had enough of Stockholm syndrome? Or are they now well beyond any thoughts of escaping the hole in the basement floor? Do they now cry, “Right now!” when the figure looms over shouting about putting lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again?

“It’s hard to say,” our head political analyst comments, in between wondering if its time to stockpile toilet paper again, “Labour are determined that everyone will love Jeremy Corbyn as much as the people who love Jeremy Corbyn love Jeremy Corbyn. Even though, it’s patently obvious that Keir Starmer with this GE manifesto would smash it out of the park,

“The Tories are determined that no one cares much about anything anymore. Society is dead. And Boris “the lying shambles shagger” Johnson is the headstone on the grave,

“Do we want to get the shovels and dig society back up and see if there’s a pulse? We better bloody hope there’s enough ressurectionists out there or the future of the UK looks very grim,

“And the Libdems? Well, no one is quite sure who whispered in Jo Swinson’s ear that being the boring party, with an appeal to sanity that the massive swing vote turns to in times of desperation with the big old duopoly, is for the birds? Let’s go for winner takes all!

“So that’s just confused the electorate too. And they better hope that enough look at the manifesto by December 12th,

“Basically, everyone is just confused, worrying if there’s enough idiots in the electorate to vote for a Con slogan and take their chances with Priti Patel and Matt Hancock sequencing their genomes and locking the gates,

“Oh, and a lot are thinking can we just make Sturgeon and Lucas joint rulers for the next five years and see what they make of it? It’s a right old mess. But there is a way out. And I’ve already mentioned it. It’s the shovels.”

And what’s on the shovels?

“They have VOTE TACTICALLY FOR WHOEVER CAN UNSEAT A TORY.”

Dig for Britain it is again then? And you can do it with your vote.

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The Tories can’t govern, that’s why I’m blaming Labour, admits Priti Patel

Priti “SuperSmirk” Patel has blamed Labour for the London Bridge terrorist attack. Essentially her argument is that Labour passed a law in 2008 and her government has spent the last 9 years failing to amend it.

The emperor is proudly wearing his brand-new outfit, and pointing out that Jeremy Corbyn has an incriminating stain on his y-fronts.

It’s the Tory modus operandi this season. No policies (beyond Get It Over And Done With For Goodness Sake). No attempt to justify their comedy manifesto. Just slag off Labour and hope that nobody notices.

But terrorist legislation is part of Patel’s remit as Home Secretary. Does she seriously want us to believe that Labour left such a mountain of problems that she and her predecessors are still sorting through it, nine years later? What on earth can they have been thinking of? Theresa May had plenty of time to create a hostile environment and demonise British citizens of Caribbean descent, but clearly no time to update policy on detaining terrorists.

It’s not even Patel’s first attempt to demonstrate her own incompetence. The government is not to blame for poverty, she said, it’s local authorities. Nine years of austerity, including massive and repeated spending cuts for local authorities, have obviously had no effect on poverty. Neither has the introduction of the completely useless and totally mismanaged Universal Credit.

“You are taking my words out of context,” said Patel, smirking broadly, when we tracked her down on an unofficial mission to Israel, rumour has it, to bring home some antisemitism to plant on Jeremy Corbyn. “My job is to make sure the public know that whatever the issue, Labour is to blame. We have spent the last nine years on ideological onanism, and can’t let reality prevent the climax yet again, or we will never Get It Done!”

So if the government won’t govern, who will? “Putin,” replied Patel. “Don’t quote me on that, but if some nice man offers you massive sums of money so he can do your job for you, you would be stupid to refuse. It’s win-win. Cheque please!”

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Chariots of Liars – BBC deny altering image of Matt Hancock at GE hustings

MATT IS A RIGHT LITTLE TRIER : The BBC are in the first stage of a now standardised procedure followed whenever there is a cock up in the editing suite.

“They are denying editing footage of Health and Social Care Outsourcing Minister, Matt ‘men dead on the beaches’ Hancock at the GE hustings in his West Suffolk constituency,” our mole inside Broadcasting House says,

“in fact they are claiming the footage being widely circulated on social media of Little Matt getting his arse handed to him is actually the fake.”

But how long the BBC will maintain that images of Mr Hancock receiving a standing ovation from his adoring constituents, before being carried shoulder high in triumph by colleagues is real, is not clear.

“It’s not very credible,” our source goes on, “the people in the room started first heckling and then laughing in Mr Hancock’s face when he claimed another Conservative government would recruit an extra infinity+1 NHS nurses before New Years Eve.”

As has become routine now it is expected the Beeb will shortly admit the footage was altered, for timing reasons, a senior management figure will get passive aggressive on Twitter, before the new house of cards collapses.

“What’s more confusing to my mind is why CCHQ are bothering to alter BBC footage for campaign videos when the impartial, public broadcaster already has the matter well in hand, as evidenced by the triumph of Hancock’s half hour.”

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BBC Boris Johnson interview to go ahead after he agrees to be interviewed by his dad

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE : It’ll be wall to wall Johnsons on the BBC this weekend after Boris Johnson stopped being so coy and agreed to a hard hitting interview, just not with Andrew Neil.

“Complete sausage festival,” an overexcited BBC editor told LCD Views, “as the old cock takes on the ageing cock and there won’t be a dry eye, or seat, in the house. It’ll be totally hardcore.”

But in spite of the promise of an interview with impact, rumours suggest there will be some topics not on the table.

“Clearly no one will discuss the issue of parenting or how to raise children. Stanley sausage will be staring at the evidence of how well he did and Boris sausage doesn’t even know how many kids he’s fathered, or where his kids are. And if he can keep dodging those court summons he never will! Allegedly. And neither will Wikipedia.”

But what questions will be on the charge sheet, your honour?

“There’s dozens. So many questions. You’ve never seen so many questions asked, and answered, in a Johnson v Johnson, head to head before. And what’s best, they’ll be multiple choice.”

What’s the first question?

“What do the great British people want done with Brexit? Four possible answers. All are done. Boris can not fail to avoid the wrong answer.”

And the second question?

“What will happen with Brexit if Boris is re-elected PM? You can guess the answer, even though it’s multiple choice! It goes on like this for an hour.”

And we hear there’s a very special ending planned?

“Yes indeed. C4 isn’t the only TV company who knows how to get a hold of an ice sculpture. Behind both great men of the British dystopia will be an ice sculpture of a polar bear.”

Will it melt through the programme?

“I hope not too much. To end the show, and to show the viewing public there’s no hard feelings between the two blonde cocks, they will stand united, unzipped and micturate all over the bear until it’s just a yellow mess on the floor.”

Which is exactly how the entire UK will look if the great British public are daft enough to give the Johnsons another five years.

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BREAKING : Millions of Remainer households secede to form federation called Exasperania

A NEW DAY HAS DAWNED : Debate is raging within the newly formed republic of Exasperania-Remainia today over whether or not to continue as a multi-mini state federation or revert to constitutional monarchy? And whether or not to ditch one of the names or keep both?

A source inside the Google hangout room, being used temporarily as the seat of government until a permanent capital can be built, had this to say,

“Some households are urging the use of an advisory referendum to decide the new republic’s government structure, but they have been rapidly identified as Russian bots and ejected. The feeling is that the Republic may become a constitutional monarchy on the condition of reverting back to a fully elected republic, after Queen Elizabeth II has finished her time on the throne. Until then it is seen as sensible to offer her a sane, evidenced based harbour.”

But minor matters regarding constitutional arrangements aside, the newly formed Republic of Remainia-Exasperania has already been admitted to the EU’s membership accession programme and looks set to become full members by the 13th December 2019.

We spoke to head of the diplomatic corp, Mr Evidence, to hear how it’s going?

“Fantastic. We’ve agreed to adopt the Euro, Schengen (it’ll operate entirely by airplane) and to pay the full membership fee as part of a fully signed up, multi-mini state federation belonging to the EU. I expect to become a millionaire in whatever currency you like trading in toilet paper to UK residents on my border after the UK crashes out of the EU.”

But will you still vote in the GE?

“Clearly we cant. We’re fine with that. We’ll just watch now and laugh and cry simultaneously.”

There are rumours that Boris Johnson is urging the MOD to take Remainia back into the UK by force, but that the MOD is unable to comply, due to Conservative government defence cuts.

And the Labour leadership is said to be sanguine.

“We can Just campaign fully for Lexit now. No more pretending we give a shit about Remainers, just because we need their votes. It’s great. We couldn’t be happier.”

LCD Views would like to wish the new republic good luck, but urge them to remain vigilant, as we’ve already heard reports of Michael Gove and Boris Johnson attempting to smuggle themselves over one of the many millions of new borders created today, hoping to escape from the giant mess they accidentally created.

Take back control of your borders Remainia-Exasperania and keep control.

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Donald Trump to perform lobotomy on Matt Hancock to prove selling the NHS to him is safe

YOU WON’T NOTICE ANY DIFFERENCE: When the cool kids at CCHQ need a bright eyed boy to use as a useful idiot they’ve many choices nowadays, but none as bright eyed as little Matt “men who died on the beaches” Hancock.

“Right from the moment little Matty invoked the war dead in a cynical attempt to become head monkey in the scat shower we knew he’d do anything for us,” a new source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “I mean if you’ve that little principle you are Grade A modern Conservative. So Matt is the right choice for what we like to think of as a thought experiment crossed with real theatre.”

And real theatre it will be early next month when Donald Trump lands on these shores to interfere directly in the UK GE 2019.

“We’re still choosing the place to hold the event. Potentially on Downing Street. Although Matt is pushing for somewhere outdoors with statues to the heroes of the past in the background.”

But while the place is yet to be decided, the action is nailed down and bolted.

“Matt will walk solemnly to the stage holding a toast rack and wearing a standard hospital gown. Then he will lay down on a trestle table hung with Union Jack bunting.”

At this moment Donald Trump’s motorcade will arrive and the bigliest brain of them all enter the scene.

“Donald will be wearing a t-shirt branded with US private health companies logos. He’ll be holding a small hammer and what will look like an ice pick, but is actually a surgical instrument. From there it will be a simply matter of pausing dramatically for impact, before he does the deed.”

It’s thought no one will notice any difference in Mr Hancock’s behaviour after he is lobotomised.

“And that’s the secret to why it will make such a convincing argument that selling the NHS lock stock to US corporate health will be as safe as houses. After all, Donald did it to himself years ago and look at him now?”

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Downing Street says plan to rename NHS “Trump Health” is not proof of intention to sell NHS

JUST TAKE YOUR MEDICINE : Downing Street has moved to scotch suggestions that it plans to sell the NHS to outgoing President Donald Trump, in spite of details uncovered on Reddit.

“We would never do it,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “it’s not on the table. We don’t even have a table. That’s what we’re hoping to gain with a substantial majority in the upcoming GE. But when we get the table, we certainly won’t put the NHS on it. It’s simply too big.”

But in spite of the denials the fact that the Conservatives intend to rename the National Health Service “Trump Health” have people just a little bit suspicious.

“How could anyone be suspicious of hard right Tories bankrolled by US private health businesses?” the source went on, “just because most of them have written books saying how the government should sell the NHS? Did any of them say it should be sold to Donald Trump? This is just scaremongering.”

But in spite of all the rebuttals the suspicions are mounting. Fuelled by the sight of Jacob Rees-mogg walking around Somerset hospitals affixing price tags to patients.

“Jacob is just being a good public servant and letting people know how much they’re worth. It’s very conservative. I mean considerate. Those people should be grateful. Personally I’d find him sticking a value on my gammy limb quite uplifting.”

And there maybe something to the push back from the dirty canal currently installed in Downing Street. For a start there’s no guarantee that Donald Trump will still be President by the time the Tories do complete the sale of the NHS. By then it maybe someone else.