A rabbit in the headlights demands U.K. gov step down as they’re giving him a bad reputation

LCD Views has heard today from a rabbit in the headlights who is demanding the U.K. government step down with immediate affect, as they’re giving him a bad reputation.

”To be fair my reputation wasn’t that good to start with,” Mr A Rabbit told us, “but since the 24th June 2016, when WonderTory Dave made a dash for it, things have been getting incrementally worse day by day.”

Mr Rabbit now fears the stain on his low reputation may soon be so difficult to remove he’ll have to wait to be run over with Theresa May and her cabinet of talents.

”You see her stood there day after day with the big, red Brexit bus barrelling down at her at top speed and you want to shout GO!

Just get out of the way!

And take the country out of the way while you’re at it!

But she doesn’t. Her eyes just get wider and wider and her body stiffer with terror and her utterances more strangled and inane.”

Mr Rabbit claims he definitely would have hopped out of the way by now.

”You see plenty of dead pheasants beside the country’s roads. Foxes. The occasional badger. Not too many rabbits though.

And here’s an entire party of governance just frozen while the country decays and an entirely avoidable disaster gets closer and closer.

If only our parliamentary system allowed for some kind of opposing party to make the case for not getting flattened into paste.”

While LCD Views feels a small measure of sympathy for Mr Rabbit, we feel it is our potatriotic duty to remind him that we’re all Brexiters now and we must all stand still, terrified in the giant light of the approaching Brexit, deny it’s happening and make the best of a future that is both pants and paste.

Fears lesser quality US made ‘inheritance royals’ maybe imported as price of post Brexit U.K. US trade deal

Fresh fears today that any post Brexit free trade deal with the United States will mean the UK is forced to import lesser quality US made silver and gold spoons, as the cost of securing a deal, with the revelation that US negotiators have demanded access to the UK market for US made ‘royals’.

“It’s a bit rum,” our team of royal correspondents summarised the situation,

“Brexit is about returning sovereignty to the British people, even the ones who don’t want it, which maybe most of them by now, but to think it may mean a bunch of blowhard yanks standing alongside Her Majesty? It’s just not on. Our chosen people were chosen by the Norman Invasion of 1066. There’s hardly the line of pedigree across the pond.”

British reservations may not count for much though.

It has been revealed that in initial conversations, prior to Christmas, lead American negotiator William Frankville-Charlesburger Blundermuss the fourth, made it clear that American made aristocrats must be stamped and sealed as acceptable for waving at people in the UK if we want a deal.

“We suspect the US manufactured, mildly mafia-ish inheritance royals, could ask someone ‘and what do you do?’ as well as British made ones, but they would presumably do it with a level of swagger that is unacceptable under British regulations.

Well, with the exception of Prince Andrew.”

We asked the government for comment on these revelations.

“There is no concern at all that the British made royal family, carefully refined over centuries of intermarriage with other European inheritance rackets will be forced into arranged marriages with Trumps.

It’s just not going to happen. We’d have to be exceptionally desperate to allow it.

So it’s highly unlikely, so long as Ivanka stays married to Jared and Donald to Melania, at any rate. It’s not like we’re starving, yet.

Prince William and Prince Harry are taken. So that really only leaves Prince Andrew as available to…”

At this point there was a sharp intake of breath and the phone sounded to have been dropped. But we could still just hear what was said next, “Call it off! Brexit! No. No. Not breakfast! Brexit! Bloody hell.”

Alleged Russian agents not afraid of attack as nothing they do is in the British interest

LCD Views feels coerced to reassure fans of four alleged Russian agents today that none are afraid of Kremlin attack as none are double agents.

”We allegedly work direct for the Kremlin,” the first to speak reassured, “and only for the Kremlin. Absolitely nothing we do is in the British interest, or the American interest while we’re on the subject. So sleep tight tonight knowing no shadow force will harm us.”

The statement is a timely one and one people on both sides of the Atlantic are no doubt happy to hear.

”Look, without me they would have one less alleged channel of laundering money out of the Russian state and into foreign accounts,” the second commented, “do you want to buy insurance? I don’t have any personally. What would I need it for with such a teat to suckle on in the dark?”

While the narcissistic rabbit in headlights who currently placeholds as British Foreign Secretary did give a carbon copy statement on such matters today, no one paid much attention, because why would they to that man these days?

”I’m not changing my routine one bit,” advised the third, “I’m busy googling away for any alleged sexual predator I can share a stage with to make sure people keep talking about me. I’d share a stage with Hitler if I had a time machine. Imagine how many BBCQT slots that would book me!”

The fourth was not available for comment as he was busy working out how he can screw up the green shoots of no threat of nuclear Armageddon starting on the Korean Peninsula with one perfectly misphrased tweet.

Government to shout traitors at U.K. carmakers asking for clarity on trading conditions post Brexit

There is to be an exciting response for the UK’s carmakers persistently bugging government for clarity on trading conditions post Brexit, with the announcement a front bench minister is being selected to call them traitors.

”This builds on existing Brexit policy,” A Turd 3rd, MP for Why-on-wie, junior minister at DExEU, told LCD Views when he dropped by the office to smash up some of our treasonous computers.

”We feel that by calling anyone quibbling over the bold and exciting future which Global Britain has embarked on traitors, we can better persuade others not to point out the glaring flaws and contradictions in our governance.”

It’s thought the robust response, when delivered with a coordinated editorial attack in The Express, The Daily Mail, The Sun and the now batshit crazy Telegraph, will do more than convince the diverse and international owners of the U.K. automotive manufacturing sector to invest billions into Global Britain.

”What’s the point of quibbling over conditions when you know the conditions will be cake?” Turd 3rd asked, “and the low hanging cherry fruit is ripe all the time in Global Britain. Pour your money in. We really do need you to.”

Its believed after the automotive sector has the “treason cut from its flabby flesh by the surgical precision of a Boris Johnson word salad”, the government will move democratically onwards into dropping facscist styled turd mortars onto the next quisling.

”The aerospace sector wants to watch out too,” Turd 3rd warned, “I heard that jumped up somebody yesterday, nattering away about just in time manufacturing, precision, the competitiveness throttling cost of warehousing spares.

Don’t think we don’t know they’re a nest of bloody fifth columnists also.”

LCD Views commends the government for the swift and truthful way it is dealing with the many unnecessary roadblocks being erected on the firm and trembling tarmac of Brexit by the bully boys in Brussels.

We encourage all big international investors and employers to pay the price for Brexit, regardless what their shareholders and employees may say, as we’re all Brexiters now, and furthermore, we’re all in it now. You don’t need certainty when you have faith. Thank you.

Iain Duncan Smith proposes seamless Irish border solution, like the one between North and South Korea

Britain’s mouldy cheese wheel, Iain Duncan Smith, has rolled himself out of the fridge and proposed a solution to the Irish Border problem, which until now, had seemed unresolvable.

“A seamless Irish border solution is readily available,” Irritable Duncan Syndrome droned, “people just have to show a little imagination and patriotism and get behind the country.”

But what is the solution Iain? Is it a construction of a physical manifestation of universal credit on the Irish Border?

“That sort of talk will get you into trouble. Traitor,” Irrational Debt Spend retorted, “you just have to look no further than the solution adopted by our good friends and neighbours on the Korean Peninsula.”

You do know they’re still technically at war, don’t you Iain?

“Getting lost in soundbites won’t help anyone,” Imagine Doing Something hit back, “The border between North and South Korea is a seamless border that utilities tried and test technology that has been in use for decades now.”

So you’re saying two armies facing off with thousands of artillery pieces ready to fire at a moment’s notice, and a massive aerial bombardment from the United States also constantly ready to fall from the sky?

“Oh, I don’t know if we need to involve the United States,” I Doom Spectre replied, “well, not at least until it’s time to start arms smuggling again.”

Thanks IDS, we don’t know what we’ll do if you ever get locked out of the BBC radio studios.

“Probably shout less at the radio while making your eggs in the morning.”

Wow. He actually said something provable and true.

Jobs first Brexit now includes promise JC will wash the feet of workers who lose jobs first

LCD Views can barely contain itself with the latest release of Labour’s detailed Brexit plan now including a promise that Jeremy Corbyn himself will wash the feet of people who lose their jobs if Labour’s ‘jobs go first Brexit’ is adopted as “the” Brexit.

“It’s insane,” A Intern said, while washing the coffee mugs in the LCD kitchenette, “to think if you sack me after Brexit our lord and saviour Jeremy Corbyn himself will come around to my parents’ house and wash my feet? Intense flavour man.”

The additional offer is being made to double down on the success of Labour’s promise to remove the United Kingdom from the 21st century as surely as their parliamentary co-conspirators, the Conservatives are promising to.

“Do I have to get in line behind the steel workers? The aerospace employees? The service sector types? Or will I get preferential treatment because I refuse to question Labour’s constant hedging on the biggest public policy issue for generations because they don’t want to upset voters who can’t be bothered to educate themselves about the impact of Brexit?

And because we all know JC is a miracle worker and will easily solve all of society’s ills with or without money in the public purse. To actually question Corbyn’s actions on Brexit is heresy. It makes your personally responsible for the death of homeless people right now.

You only have to talk to a Momentum activist on Twitter to be told that. Often for three or four days in a row after a one or two exchange conversation. They are winning hearts and minds.”

We think you have to get in line, regardless of how closely you adhere to dogma. Support for Brexit is a matter of principles for the Labour leadership.

“Can they conduct a lottery? Will it happen on a Saturday before I do my weekly sock change?”

You’ll have to wait for further details.

“It’s kept me behind the boy, who cares about the how and why?

The most important thing is that the government and official opposition are working together to remove the UK from the largest trading bloc on earth at a time of rising protectionism.

And most importantly, when that clown currently US commander in chief is looking to start trade wars, to distract from all that Russian mafia money laundering and collusion stuff which will lead to his impeachment or resignation.”

Yes, the timing of Brexit could not be more perfect.

The BBC however have been quick to jump on Corbyn’s offer.

“What kind of soap will he be using? Will it be allotment compliant? How can Labour promise to wash so many feet when the country’s water supplies are so strained from decades of underinvestment to enrich shareholders in utilities?

Now, let’s talk to Iain Duncan Smith and let him talk uninterrupted for ten minutes.”

Quite.

Jeremy Corbyn himself could not be reached for comment as he was busy coordinating the next round of Brexit debates in parliament with his old friends in the Tory party, from the days when they were all parliamentary outsiders together.

Road to Brexit in doubt after construction costs spiral out of control

Construction of the Road to Brexit, which goes from… somewhere… to… somewhere else, has apparently ceased. The reason is that costs have gone way over budget.

The illustrations are impressive, at least. They show a wide, sweeping expanse of glittering tarmac, elegant junctions, and hundreds of happy people in their cars. The only snag is that the route has not been defined. The map simply shows two dots, one marked “Here” and the other “Brexit”, and the Road, drawn freehand in crayon, more or less joins the two.

LCD’s Single Track Roads correspondent tracked down the construction headquarters with some difficulty. It turned out to be a shabby Portakabin in a field in the middle of nowhere. Cows munched the grass solemnly. There was no sign of the Road anywhere.

An old chap with an old spade and mucky wellingtons was in front of the Portakabin, digging a border. His name turned out to be Bill Droads.

Where is the Road to Brexit? we asked.

“It should be here,” replied Droads. “The first roundabout should be in the next field, and the main carriageway should be where you are standing.”

Should be? Should be? But this Road needs to be built immediately, doesn’t it?

“That’s right,” Droads confirmed. ”But construction has had to be halted before it has even started, because of cost overruns.”

How come? Nothing has been built yet.

“There has been a lot of money spent,” Droads said icily. “There’s the Managing Director, Finance Director, Marketing Director, a whole load of architects and management consultants, fancy offices in the heart of London, the works. There have been meetings, lunches, and a huge launch gala. All this has to be paid for. Unfortunately, nobody thought to plan a route or employ anyone to construct the Road.”

So it’s just you, in a Portakabin in a field?

“Yes. I even brought my own spade,” Bill confirmed. “They were too chicken to ask Carillion. I once tarmacked David Davis’ front drive so they asked me to do the job. But with no budget left I couldn’t do much. I can’t even ring up some mates to lend a hand as there’s no bloody signal out here!”

We decided to leave Bill to his border.

“Don’t tell them about the border!” he warned. “They will transfer me to Ireland!”

Rumour now has it that the Road will be orbital, like the M25. It doesn’t matter how far you drive, you always come back to where you started, sooner or later.

Downing Street in negotiations with Southern Rail to replace ‘Open Skies’ with rail replacement bus service

Downing Street has moved to smooth ruffled feathers today with the reassuring news that they are in negotiations with Southern Rail to replace the ‘Open Skies’ agreement between the EU-US with a rail replacement bus service.

“There is absolutely nothing to worry about,” transport minister Chris Grayling said, “British planes will still fly after Brexit, they just may not fly very far.”

Under the scheme being negotiated between the UK government and Southern Rail, scheduled “aviation events” will be cancelled or delayed at the last minute to “bring some of the excitement of modern rail travel in an industrialised country to the mile high club”.

“It’s mostly about getting the language right to sell it to the flying public,” Grayling continued,

“what do you call it when you pull the United Kingdom out of a marriage in its fifth decade, with all the planning usually given to planning a morning walk of shame after pulling while drunk?

You don’t plan that walk until you have to do it, at least that’s what I’ve heard. Why should Brexit be any different?”

Grayling went on to illuminate (first time for everything) that you did it by quickly glancing at Wikipedia and ignoring “the bores in the civil service and their endless piles of tedious paper covered in strange symbols.”

But what does the aviation industry think of the looming loss of the EU-US Open Skies agreement, imperilled by the shamble-funicular that is the governing Con-Lab supply and demand agreement at Westminster?

“We’re bloody terrified! What do you expect? We have to know what we’re doing at least a year in advance or we can’t sell tickets. We need to know by the end of March. Time is fast running out for the U.K.,” an aviation representative said,

“The UK doesn’t know what it’s doing tomorrow, let alone the minute after the country’s engines drop off and it plummets headfirst into the mountainside that is currently life after Brexit.

And that mountainside, it’s heavily forested, and that forest, it’s on fire!

Adopt the position they advise you to when in a plane that’s crashing? Good luck with that!”

So worse than leaves on the line?

“Look. In public we’re making polite, slightly strained little noises like every industry.

We don’t want to appear to publicly interfere with the democratic process, while privately we lobby the hell out of the democratic process of course.

But behind closed doors we’re shouting in rage and incomprehension at these complete and utter idiots who are crashing the UK.

And do you know what the say in response, in private, your government ministers?

They tell us it’s our patriotic duty to make a success of Brexit. It’s eyewateringly insane.

Labour are no different.

They just smile serenely at us while they daydream about nationalising the production of platitudes.

We’re planning how to cut the UK out of our future. As much as we can.

Just look what’s happening with the Irish ferries, that’s your heads up pal.”

We asked Chris Grayling for a comeback to the aviation representative’s statement, but he couldn’t talk again, as he was busy having lunch with the CEO of Southern Rail, while they finalised how to get a bus to fly.

LCD Views advises everyone not to panic and to trust in the overwhelming mandate delivered by the British people on the 23rd June 1816 to colonise the world and build a new empire by staying at home.

Brexiters are presumably pleased at the potential of the U.K. crashing out of Open Skies, because in many ways it made travel over borders much easier. So at least someone can be happy.

Cloud Cuckoo Land revokes woman’s visa as she’s now too deluded even for them

Shocking news is breaking this evening that Theresa May’s permanent residency visa has been revoked by Cloud Cuckoo Land as she’s now too deluded even for them.

“It comes on the back of her statement that the Brexit negotiations, currently being conducted by a faded imperial power deluded into thinking it’s going through a rebirth, and the EU27, that these negotiations will be an example for the whole world to follow,” LCD’s residency correspondent reports,

“apparently Ms May was already pushing her luck, but this was one insane statement too far.”

Even as we are going to print with this breaking news story immigration officials from the Immigration and Border Service of Cloud Cuckoo Land are believed to be escorting Ms May to a holding centre.

“It’s expected her case will be fast tracked, appeals turned down, and she’ll be out of the door by tomorrow morning and flown home.

She will then be forced to continue living at 10 Downing Street for an unspecified, but limited amount of time, and continue to lead the Conservative Party, until either Gove or Johnson can actually get a knife to stay in her back.”

It’s not clear how Ms May will take this latest setback.

Especially as it comes on the back of setting the world alight only a few days ago with a speech on Brexit hailed by her entire party as both “unfittingly insane” and “the last ridiculous word salad she would be allowed to utter in public before Cloud Cuckoo Land takes action”.

In advance of her return to Downing Street Ms May has apparently ordered all mirrors smashed and the shards buried in a deep pit.

“This is just sensible policy now,” our correspondent observes, “heaven help her if she ever takes a good look at herself while hearing her own words broadcast at the same time. In this instance the old adage, know thyself, would be tantamount to extreme and punitive self flagellation.”

Working group say they have now perfected the out of common touch

Prime Minister for the time being, Theresa May, has gone one step further than her illustrious predecessor, Margaret Thatcher. Thatcher displayed her common touch on a number of occasions. Now May believes she has perfected the out of common touch, with the help of a crack committee.

A simple quote was all it took to demonstrate this confidence. Discussing books and pictures and security with an illiterate nation of insecure Philistines was a masterstroke.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? The relief of finally landing one’s own first des res after saving up for a few months. The joy at marrying an investment relationship manager. The naughtiness of chasing straw men through wheatfields.

May herself was too busy laying down platitudes for her elitist audience to speak to us, but we did manage to contact press officer Willie Toldwater to explain the situation.

“Theresa has been working very hard behind the scenes. Almost as hard as David Davis,” he said.

“Let me be very clear, the out of common touch is a gift granted to the few, not the many. Theresa has now mastered this art, with the help of a handpicked collective.”

We can think of a few of her colleagues who already possessed this gift before, like overgrown public schoolboy Boris Johnson. But Toldwater has more information.

“She has been searching for the magic bullet,” he disclosed. “She has been receiving private tuition from none other than occult specialist Jacob Rees-Mogg!”

Yes, the man who votes people into poverty while enriching himself, contrary to his proclaimed Christian beliefs. The man who dresses and speaks like a Victorian throwback. The man who gives his unfortunate progeny names like Sixtus.

“One considers it a privilege to work with the Prime Minister and her lackeys,” said Rees-Mogg. “My coaching has encouraged her to speak of her low birth among the ruling classes, to rally the natives. One hopes that, in time, she will feel confident enough to speak to this great nation of the impending joys of the workhouse, and the return of feudalism.”

That should give you food for thought the next time you send the butler to Harrods for a pint of milk and twenty Bensons.