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Parliament forces Jacob Rees-mogg to stop hiding details of WAB in his pram

WAB WAB WAAHHHH : Fraught scenes on the rolling Somerset estate of man child Jacob Rees-mogg today after it became apparent that the House of Commons may seek to see what crayon drawings he’s hidden in his pram.

Cries of ‘Nanny!’ and ‘Bitty!’ could be heard even in neighbouring fields as Nanny sought to get Jacob to sleep by placing him on top of said drawings and pushing the perambulator along the path through the old apple orchard.

“Initially witnesses thought the cries of frustrated, juvenile distress were in relation to all the unpicked, fallen fruit, but it soon became apparent the tantrum was due to problems putting Brexit together. A hand me down toy set without instructions.”

Attempts to ram through Boris Johnson’s and Jacob’s ‘May minus’ Withdrawal Agreement were hitting the buffers already, before the pram scene, as some of the better brought up boys and girls in the Westminster crèche Jacob is enrolled in began to get involved.

“They’ll never get the WAB approved by Parliament if parliament knows what’s in it,” a seasoned crèche observer said, “their hope is just to bully the other boys and girls into doing what they want. But some are not having it. This is a problem. They aren’t emotionally mature enough to negotiate. Bullying is all they have.”

And the problem maybe a big one, judging by the details that are finding their way out of the pram and into the light.

“It seems making Boris ‘World King (of England)’ is in the WAB. So that’s a bit of a sticky finger in the ear. And customs declarations within the UK are just a full, heaving, unchanged nappy. Everyone around can see it and smell it. Which is pretty much the entire WAB of course.”

The only question seems to be who is going to be brave enough to go and risk getting their hands dirty and change that steaming nappy.

Preferably before Boris shoves his fingers into it and starts running around the House of Commons smearing its contents on the walls.

In the coming days nanny is going to be busy. And a big dummy is going to spit a big dummy.

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Rescue teams call off search for reasons why Labour MPs should support Johnson’s toxic Tory ‘Brexit deal’

WTF ARE YOU THINKING : The Search and Rescue team hired by Kinnock, Flint and Hoey have called off the search for reasons why Labour MPs should support Boris Johnson’s toxic Tory Brexit Deal.

“Let me correct you there,” Head of Search and Rescue, Mr Jobs, told LCD Views, “it’s not a deal, it’s just a Withdrawal Agreement. The deal is to be negotiated after the withdrawal. A bit like Johnson in court facing proof he’s the father of a child he doesn’t want to acknowledge. And we couldn’t find any reason for any Labour MP to vote with Johnson. He’s made his bed, he should be made to lie in it, before being thrown out of it and shown the door.”

But supporters of the search hit back saying if reasons can’t be found for self-proclaimed socialist MPs to support a dodgy Tory deal, aimed at stripping democratised rights and private wealth off working people, than those same MPs would have to face up to their electorates.

“So?” Deputy Search chief, Mr Investment asked, “that’s part of the job description of an MP. Anyone who thinks continuing to morally validate Brexit, a project with no provable gains for ‘ordinary hardworking people’, the kind Labour claim to represent, is the right course of action needs to start searching for their conscience. And their backbone. Brexit has nothing to recommend it, unless you’re a tax dodger, and believe you me, we’ve searched.”

But the Labour MPs who are saying they’ll support Johnson’s ‘Deal’, even though it’s actually May’s Deal with a minus, are taking some convincing.

“What do you want us to do?” one demanded, “level with the voters we’re currently trying to baffle with a vacuous slogan of ‘getting Brexit done’ and potentially lose our seats if they won’t listen to the evidence?

“The proven Brexit ref electoral illegality, and proven broken promises of the Brexiters, and the fact it’s going to smash the country’s economy?

“We’ve been ignoring all that for years in the hope of our own personal political gain. Wrongheaded, but it’s late in the day to change now. We’re supposed to put the people first? That’s a bit tricky now.”

Well, any Labour MPs minded to support Johnson in his rush to avoid scrutiny and get Brexit done (well, started, it’ll be years in the doing), you’ve your place in history to write. It’s your choice.

And don’t get us started on the ex-Tory MPs who are saying they’ll back Boris. There’s no cure for a full frontal Brexit lobotomy it seems…

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‘Ministry for Pissing Public Money Up The Wall’ set up by Johnson to build on all his success so far

THE ART OF THE BACK OF FAG PACKETS : Natural Born Liar Boris Johnson has announced by tweet this morning that he’s creating a new Secretary of State. Just. Like. That.

The new Minister will be responsible for the pissing of public money up the wall and is expected to rapidly be one of the country’s busiest.

But critics of the move have hit out, claiming that with the establishment of DExEU, under Johnson’s predecessor, the ministry already exists.

“This is just duplication of the work we already do at DExEU,” an aide to DExEU Secretary Stephen Barclay (you know him, he has a pulse, so he got the job after Raab cut and run to study for a Geography masters) told LCD Views, “which now I think about it, is perfectly Brexit.”

But other departments are also concerned.

Transport was effective at wasting hundreds of millions under Grayling. And with the announcement of new ferry contracts in event of a No Deal Brexit, is still wasting millions now.

Justice has done exceptionally well by attempting to privatise the prison service, botched outsourcing of forensics and shredding of legal aid, causing a bleed of cash in other areas as a result. It’s not really clear why the Ministry for Pissing Public Money Up The Wall need exist at all.

“It’s to exemplify Johnson’s premiership,” a Downing Street ‘source’ clarified, “and to distract the people who write reams of nonsense in newspapers. Nothing will better encapsulate Johnson’s time in office than a mass haemorrhage in the public finances.

“Whether or not he gets any Brexit. Just look at the ‘Get Ready for Brexit’ state sponsored, party political broadcast campaign? How many nurses could that have paid for? It was excellent.”

It seems the creation of the ministry also signals that the age of austerity is definitely over. The primary aim of the department will be to borrow massively from the future to pissing away everything we have today. This is necessary as the Brexiters have already largely pissed away any historical legacy, be it domestic or international.

“You can’t get more Brexit than that,” the source added, “blowing your future to piss away your today. Get Ready.”

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Number of the beast proven to be 17.4 million squared, mathematicians prove

Scientists are proving all kinds of things these days, especially with the EU funding they’re getting. Today it’s the turn of mathematicians to make a breakthrough. By using contemporary and biblical data, they have finally been able to formally identify the “number of the beast”.

The number, they are stating now, is 303,133,936,990,564‬.

Oxford professor of mathematics Matthew Maddox explains:

“People talk about the bible saying money being the root of all evil, which is a slight misquote, it’s actually the love of money that’s the root of all evil. That was our starting point.”

So far so reasonable, albeit no precise clue as to the precise number.

“That was when we turned to more contemporary data,” Professor Maddox explains. “Given that the Brexit vote was done so that the rich could avoid paying tax, then that effectively meant that the number of people who voted for Brexit, 17,410,742, was the root of all evil, so all we had to do was square that number and hey presto, we have the number of the beast. All perfectly simple and logical.”

And as anyone with sufficient curiosity and a few spare seconds can verify, 17,410,742 squared is indeed 303,133,936,990,564.

The simplicity of the calculation almost seems like an anti-climax really. But then Professor Maddox did say it was simple.

The tricky bit will be how to part those billionaires from their ill-gotten gains if Brexit happens. It’s said a fool and his money are soon parted, but a tool and his money is another matter – who’d have thought that turning an f upside down into a t would make such a difference?

Because if it does happen, we’re tucked.

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Boris, age 5, writes a letter to adults

BEING A BIG BOY IS HARD : Boris “short trousers” Johnson, emotional age 5 (maybe less) has written a letter to some adults because some mean kids he knows made him do it.

The mean kids are part of a neighbourhood club that Boris joined and expected to be the boss of, just because. The club is friends with other clubs and they all make one big club together.

But Boris, emotional age 5 (maybe less), wants his club to be on its own because he’s special.

Now his club members have ganged up on him and made him do something he really didn’t want to do, just to stop other people getting hurt. At least for now.

This is tell the other clubs he wants his club to stay friends with their clubs for a bit longer.

“Boris doesn’t know why the other people in his club don’t trust him?” Iain ‘Irritable Little Duncan’ Sheets said, “Boris is the boss of the club so everyone has to do what he wants. Poo poo wee wee pants.”

But in spite of the tantrums Boris, emotional age 5 (maybe less) has done it. Because he couldn’t change his club rules in time to not have to do it.

“Well, someone in his treehouse did,” our Mature Democracy correspondent says, “it may not personally have been Boris, mental age 5, maybe less.

“He didn’t sign the letter. He may have threatened to give one of the other kids he hangs out with a wedgie unless they did it for him. Or threatened to tell on them over some secret Boris knows. One or the other. Or maybe he signed it in invisible ink. Who knows. But the letter has been sent. That’s what counts.”

What the adults who received the letter will do is anyone’s guess. Some think they’ll take pity on Boris and try and help him. Mostly because if they do he’ll bugger off and stop being a complete pain in the arse.

“More correctly he’ll be an even bigger pain in the backside but he will only be doing it at home. So the adults can just tut then and wonder about his upbringing. He can’t have heard no a lot when he’s being naughty. Or he screamed and the no became yes. Never good.”

It’s reassuring to know though, that when it comes to the crunch, Boris will do what he’s ordered to out of fear of being punished if he doesn’t.

“That’s because he’s a bully and they don’t like getting hurt. It’s all bluff and bluster and hurting other kids so they do what you want. It fills the screaming void inside for a while.”

Now, if the other kids are smart they’ll use this latest upset for Boris, age 5, definitely lower, as an excuse to stop him being boss of the local club.

Remember once, we used to be a country with respect rule of law at club management level and grown ups in charge.

“That’s not Boris. He’s a big kid who doesn’t respect the rules. Because his emotional age is 5, maybe lower.”

Well, that’s tough. That’s the rules of the club.

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UK planning to go out and get drunk tonight whatever happens

Celebrations, or drowning your sorrows? Whichever way today’s vote goes, and whatever your opinion, the whole country is preparing to go on the mother of all benders this evening.

Will it all be over, one way or the other? No, this sort of bullshit never ends, but today will indicate the most likely type of bullshit we are going to have to tolerate for the next few years.

It all comes down to the numbers. So we spoke to Professor of Calculations And Shit, Algie Braa.

“It’s very close,” explained Prof Braa. “Too close for comfort. I am predicting a 52:48 split in parliament, but which way I couldn’t tell you. I do know that the winning side will round the result to the nearest 100% and claim absolute victory for ever and ever, amen.”

Until the next time someone throws a spanner in the works.

Prof Braa was sanguine about the possible result. “If the so-called deal is accepted, well it’s curtains for boffins like me,” he explained. “It’s No Deal in all but name. My university, like all the others except Oxford and Cambridge, will become part of the University of Life. This means I will have to get a proper job, like working in Lidl. Unless Lidl stick two fingers up at us and refuse to operate behind the red, white and blue curtain.”

And if the opposition wins? “That just kicks the poor old can down the endless road to the next crisis in January,” said the Prof sadly. “Rinse and repeat until someone steps in and puts us all out of our misery.”

So what do you plan to do? “Do? I can’t do anything!” retorted Prof Braa. “So whatever happens, I’m hitting the pub tonight to get completely hammered!”

Who could step in and stop the madness? It’s a matter of Sovereignty. If parliament won’t, could the Sovereign step in?

“I couldn’t possibly comment,” said Palace spokesman Roy Lassent. “But ask me this evening after I’ve had fifteen pints and I might be more definite!”

Queen and country? I’ll drink to that.

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Government release winning design for new post Brexit £50 note

BULLSEYE : FURORE TODAY after the Exchequer revealed the winning entry in the design competition to come up with a new £50 note.

“Crowds are massing outside the royal mint to demand a re-design after Chancellor Bridgen did the big reveal of the new fifty pound note,” our Minted reporter says, “the outrage seems largely to focus on the fact the Queen is missing from the design. And Her Royal Highness is always on proper British notes.”

But spokesperson for the Treasury, Ms Dorries, said there was no choice but to exclude Queen Elizabeth after Fuhrer Johnson traded away British sovereignty to President For Life Donald Trump in order to convince him to purchase the NHS as a job lot, rather than piecemeal.

Other observers are more sanguine, stating mirroring the Euro design for a twenty is just acknowledging post Brexit realities. And is actually a little generous to the pound, given current exchange rates.

“It’ll save time once we complete the process of rejoining the continental wide European Union so our kids stop looking at us like we’re complete bellends for trading away a mass of rights, opportunities and liberties just so travel insurance firms could profit from the loss of the EHIC.”

The Treasury was also claiming that the new bullseye will save the country millions as the currency currently used in the English blackmarket in bread and cereals is already Euro notes. With the exception of the roubles used in the region of OffenFuhrer Rees-mogg’s estate.

President Nicolas Sturgeon of the Independent Republic of Scotland, and the Welsh Chancellor David Thomas also welcomed the design, as it brings England into line with the look of the currency they’ve been using since gaining independence in 2022 during the English county wars.

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‪Westminster to vote tomorrow whether or not to make Sturgeon President of the Scottish Republic‬

UK GONNA NEED A NEW FLAG : Former British colonies, now independent countries, around the world are waiting for the result of events in the House of Commons tomorrow with bated breath.

“Australia, New Zealand and a bunch of other places no run of the mill Brexiter has even heard about maybe set to decide on what their flag looks like in the future,” our Unseen Ramifications correspondent says, “if the English MPs in Westminster vote to take the Union Jack and shred it. Does Australia keep the Jack in the top left corner? Does New Zealand? Only by doing Brexit can Brexit MPs find out.”

But it’s not just the flags of land masses that didn’t exist, before an Englishman unzipped his drawers against a weird tree, that are waiting to see how things play out.

“Clearly it’s a big vote for SNP star Nicola Sturgeon,” our correspondent continues, putting on their PLAIN AS THE NOSE ON YOUR FACE CORRESPONDENT hat, “will she become the first President of the Republic of Scotland? Will Boris Johnson be that gift horse? You know she won’t look twice in his mouth. She probably won’t even look once if the arrogance of English exceptionalism says, on your way Scotland, wahey!”

She’s played a canny game alright. Politically placing the interests of the entire union first and foremost till now, in a display of maturity few have matched. But it’s a win win of course in that sense. No Brexit and Scotland’s economy and place in the EU is safeguarded. Brexit happens and Scotland as an independent country rapidly joining the EU seems guaranteed.

“At least we can feel fairly certain what the Scottish flag will look like if Brexit happens. So too the Welsh, and eventually the Cornish.”

Will the English run a competition to choose theirs or just go with the Saint George cross and argue about it with Georgia?

The decisions of MPs tomorrow in Westminster will give us all a clue as to what flies where in the years ahead.

If they vote for Boris Johnson’s “Deal”, with is actually just a Withdrawal Agreement worse than May’s, and a method of wealth transfer from working class to inherited wealth, we may soon find out what flag New Zealand chooses once the Union Jack is just a relic from an age when the sun didn’t know how to set.

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The People desperate for an election so they can vote for adults for a change

The People have spoken, and they say they want a general election. They are sick and tired of the current bunch of spineless grown-up children, and want the opportunity to elect some proper adults.

The examples of kids in adult bodies and responsible jobs are many, claims arrested development specialist Si Cologyst. “Take Boris Johnson, for example,” he starts. “Mentally, he never left prep school. He goes through life expecting an indulgent Master to bail him out, and looks forward to a regular six of the best. His mindset is still looking for the chance to sneak out of school, to the girls’ school the other side of town, for furtive entanglements behind the bike sheds.”

But the examples are many. “Mark Francois is still re-enacting all the war movies he was brought up on,” says Cologyst. “Bang bang, you’re dead, you lost, neh neh, my dad’s bigger than your dad, he was in The War you know. Not an original thought in that boy’s head, bless him.”

Meanwhile, Michael Gove continues to drink the cheap cider and smoke the dodgy weed that the bigger boys smuggle in to the common room, in an effort to look cool.

The women are no better, claims Cologyst. “Theresa May, for example, still acts like the junior prefect she once was,” he says. “She demonstrates, every time she speaks, why she was only ever a junior prefect. And Liz Truss still sneaks out of school to meet up with boys and persuade them to do her homework for her.”

The theory is compelling. It explains the existence and prominence of Andrew Bridgen, Nadine Dorries, and countless others, spoilt brats who never learned discipline or responsibility.

So no wonder The People are tired of their whining and squabbling, and would like adults to take over again.

So let’s put the children in detention and bring back the experts. It’s child’s play.

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Reality told to stop moaning and get behind Boris

A good deal had been made out of a bad deal. Boris’ deal, a minor variation in Theresa May’s deal, is on the table, but the reality is that Johnson has neither the numbers nor the belief to get it done. Consequently, leading brexiters have been queueing up to tell reality to stop moaning and throw its weight behind Boris.

“Reality gets in the way of this deal, so it must instead get out of the way,” wittered little Dominic Raab on Today. “This moaning, this treacherous reliance on facts and predictions must stop so Brexit can proceed smoothly.”

“You’re so clever, you explain things so well,” purred the BBC presenter. “So, if we ignore reality, what happens next?”

You could almost hear Raab smile. He knew he could now say absolutely anything and get away with it.

In another part of the wood, Michael Gove was polishing his disingenuousness. “This deal protects rights and standards!” he dribbled. “It’s there, if you look hard enough!”

So we looked. It was there, all right, crossed out in red ink and initialed by Johnson. The reality is the exact opposite of what Gove says, as usual.

“Reality needs to stop interfering with what we want to do!” spluttered Gove. “It’s about time reality realised that it lost. It needs to stop complaining, get over it and suck it up. Now excuse me, I need to feed my unicorn.”

Boris’ deal has been created in the image of its maker. It is incoherent, rambling and unreliable. It promises much and delivers sod all. It serves one purpose, and one purpose only: to make Boris Johnson look good. Reality is threatening to prevent that, too.

It is also almost a carbon copy of Theresa May’s deal, and reality is being told to shut up about that as well.

Reality told to stop moaning and get behind Boris. And shaft him royally in the process.