British fisheries will thrive again once fish lose freedom of movement after Brexit

British fisheries will thrive again once fish lose freedom of movement after Britain leaves the tyrannical snare of the EU, a report from the think tank ‘Fish are British’ revealed today.

“This is a great finding,” Mr K. Remlin told LCD Views’ oceanographer.

”All our research indicates that fish spend the majority of their time in waters where they feel most akin to the national identity of the sovereign nation which owns the water.

Given that the water can not leave the territory without permission from the elected representatives of the country, well, the fish can’t leave either. Unless the water is ruled from Brussels.”

Although only recently established, ‘Fish are British’ already has a social media army capable of sharing and tweeting thousands of posts a day and can be believed when it claims its funding is completely legitimate.

”We promote British fishing interests with the same dedication and commitment that national hero Nigel Farage has as a member of the EU fish thingy.

And we can tell you that anything you may have read about territorial waters and who fishes where, fish conservation, factory owners moving to EU27 territories and the lack of desirability of each nation unilaterally deciding what to do with a shared resource is just remoaner moaning.

Thus starting a race to catch as much of a finite resource as possible, will definitely lead to a resurgence of fishing that will make the golden era of whaling seem distant.”

So that’s all reassuring.

”When we double down on removing the right of water to move out of our territory without permission, with also taking away the right to freedom of movement of our fish, we can only envisage a thriving fishing industry for post Brexit Britain.

At least until all the fish run out.”

LCD Views promotes the definitely independent research of ‘Fish are British’ and confirm that whatever advice Mr K. Remlin bots tweet 100,000’s of times on the subject is the Brexit catch of the day.

Junior partner in coalition takes advantage of clown taking media spotlight yesterday to meet with Arlene Foster

A strong and stable woman has taken advantage of the clownish antics of waffling foreign secretary Boris Johnson to have a secret meeting with her superiors in Stormont.

”I didn’t want to go on this team building exercise,” the woman told LCD Views, “they’re so bloody hard headed my bosses. I was worried they’d have me slithering on my belly in the mud under barbed wire. Or some other nonsense that will do nothing to help me reach my arms sales targets.”

A reasonable concern.

“Mind you, a blancmange on a train dessert trolley looks like a monolith next to me.

Do you like eating sweets on trains? Can we talk about transportation sweets rather than Northern Ireland?”

Still, it wasn’t as bad as she feared, one of her vp’s rambling about sex tourism yesterday as the future of Britain freed from the constraints of an overweening Brussels certainly distracted the media and the public.

”I hope I don’t have to talk to her again soon. Ever since I sold a controlling stake in my medium sized, family owned business to Foster and co, I’ve barely slept a wink.”

But luckily for her at least on one important and thorny issue her tough business partner is aligned.

”I do appreciate it,” Ms May winked. “She’s so easy on benchmarks for the Irish Border issue, she’s happy to pretend it’s not a problem either, so long as Brexit means Brexit, who gives a toss if a few cows get smuggled in someone’s front door and out the back of a house and across a line on a map?”

So when is the next meeting?

”I asked her about that. As her office in Stormont is currently closed due to some pickle over words that is just so boring to me.

But it seems so long as she gets to tell me what to do about anything that takes her fancy I’m free to get on with things as I see fit.

Is it normal to pay someone to take a controlling stake in your family business, or are they supposed to pay you?”

We left her to try and work it out.

BBC to keep playing broken record on flagship R4Today programme

The BBC was on the back foot and in denial mode against accusations they have replaced the presenters of their flagship Today programme on Radio 4 with a broken record of classic Brexit catchphrases.

“I don’t know where you’re getting that rubbish from?” Today editor Camber Sands fumed at LCD Views when we asked her to comment.

“The same happy gang as always is still presenting the Today programme.

Why ever would you think we’d swap John Humphrys for a vinyl recording of John Humphrys shouting classic Brexit catchphrases at interviewees instead of having an interview?

We’d hardly do it to save money.

John only costs us a bit shy of £400K a year now. Real value for money if you just want someone to essentially regurgitate the Brexit MP’s hot air and not actually interrogate the changing landscape relating to the issue.

And it’s also easily justifiable when you consider how readily John appears to accept the importance of daily supporting the democratically elected government.

He could probably earn twice that writing Tory friendly headlines for the MailOnLoan, I mean online. Or working for a media friendly environment in North Korea?”

In spite of the denials from the editors of the once great ship of British broadcasting, it seems many listeners suspect there is no smoke without fire.

“Were you listening when he interviewed one those Best for Britain chaps? Nick Robinson was on supporting vocals.

May as well have had Farage doing it. Or a recording of Farage.

Actually we could save a bundle on license fees by just having recordings of Nigel Farage shout “Sieg Heil!” at people being interviewed about Brexit.

Then he could play old music hall classics like “My Old Man’s A National Socialist”, as sometimes I think the political folk are holding too far back from going full Farage on Brexit.

Nigel won’t clean out the saboteurs and traitors attempting to undermine and subvert the will of the people on his own!”

We did approach Mr Humphrys for a comment directly, and he even seemed to answer his phone.

But all we heard down the other end of the line was a scratchy noise punctuated by what sounded like a needle bumping along an old vinyl record.”

Will of the people. The people have spoken. Now let the people be quiet.

Over to you John for the weather,

“YOU DON’T PAY ME HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS A YEAR TO SHOUT THE WEATHER!

THIS IS UNDERMINING THE DEMOCRATIC MANDATE EXPRESSED OVERWHELMING WHEN THE PEOPLE VOTED IN THE TOTALLY NON-ADVISABLE REFERENDUM IN 2016 TO BLOW THEIR BLOODY HEADS OFF BY WAY OF ECONOMIC INSANITY.”

PLEASE…John, please stop shouting Brexit slogans, although to be fair, there was actually a lot more variety in that statement than usual these days.

Now, over the Nick Robinson for an update on the changing attitudes of the people of Britain as regards Brexit?

And maybe a comment on the latest leaks regarding the government’s own regional economic forecasts for a hard Brexit?

And maybe some coverage of the many businesses in various sectors already relocating jobs and investment across the channel. Maybe the soft fruit farms setting up in China because they can’t wait for certainty any longer?

And the big one, the Irish Border? May’s balling up in Stormont yesterday? No? Nothing.

…..(just silence)…..(and more silence)….the people have spoken.

Assange heard celebrating through the night as gumtree roomshare ad gets a bite

Julian Assange was reportedly up late last night and celebrating after his gumtree roomshare ad got another bite.

”He’s really happy with himself,” our Ecuadorean embassy insider said, “you’d think he’d won the lottery. But I guess when you don’t get out much having someone move into your room with you is nice.”

It seems the international raconteur was forced to advertise for a room mate after the embassy informed him they were increasing his rent.

“It’s hard for us having him stay for so long. When we moved the brooms into the kitchen corridor it was supposed to be a temporary measure, but here we are, years later. So we’ve increased his rent.

He doesn’t actually have access to money so his rent is calculated by how much internet access we allow him each week to talk to his controller. Decreasing his internet access by two hours hit him really hard.”

It’s believed Mr Assange hopes that when his new friend moves in he will have money in his pocket and thus be able to give the embassy some pounds sterling, and this will return the two extra hours he’s had to ‘pay’.

“He’s pretty lucky to land such a big fish,” the insider continued,

“His new room mate’s expense budget is a bottom less pit. And the line in Julian’s ad ‘great place to hide when it all hits the fan’ was very attractive.”

Other advantages are of course, his room mate may come and go through the week.

“He’ll be able to take Assange’s letters out for him. When I say letters, I mean the wads of toilet paper he scrawls on with the lemon juice he steals from the kitchen when he thinks no one is watching. Apparently you can write ‘like a real spy’ if you use lemon juice.”

But what about his new room mate’s apparent love of the sauce?

“Oh, that won’t be a problem if you ask Julian. He’s been distilling what he calls ‘sanctuary vodka’ from his wee for years.

I suspect they’ll get on so well the entirety of DExEU will be moving in to the embassy before too long.

That way they won’t have to release anymore documents to anyone. The whole Brexit process can be placed under diplomatic immunity until it goes away. It would be the sensible thing to do.”

Sponsor a leaver to remain campaign for only 58p a week raises £350M first week

LCD Views can report with a swollen breast and a justified sense of pride that our grassroots campaign “Sponsor a Leaver to Remain for only 58p a week” has raised £350M in the first first week.

“It’s the simple way to untangle the knot of Brexit,” campaign organiser Mr O. Intern said, “we just pay off the Brexiters.”

It’s such a simple solution it should have been put into action on the 24th June 2016, when the red bus exhaust was still settling across the land.

“I was actually pushing to make it a round 60p a week, indexed to rise with inflation, but our accountant suggested if Brexit happens people sponsoring leavers could find themselves paying five pounds a week in a year or two.

They’ll need that money to buy ‘brexit zombie away’ powders or maybe spears? We’re not sure how it’ll play out after the food riots.”

The £350M raised is even more impressive given we failed to get smaller MSM organisations to pick up and run with our message.

“It was easier than I thought to raise the money,” Mr Intern continued, while making coffee for the chief editor at LCD, “given how much of the Brexit campaign was focused on the membership fee, and how very small that fee is relative to gain, we found even cash strapped remain voters were willing to dig under the sofa cushions.

Most sofas that have seen any length of service can pay for an entire leave family to remain.”

The campaign is to continue to run until such a point as Brexit fails or the money is pooled to charter ships to ferry remain voters across the channel to refuge before the EU finish building the wall around Britain that is planned to control the contagion.

“If you want to help a leaver today it’s only 58p away!” Mr Intern adds, before responding to the bellows from the editorial office and running off to deliver the coffee.

‘What happens in Chequers stays in Chequers’ Boris Johnson to remind conservative cabinet ahead of weekend away at Chequers

‘What happens in Chequers stays in Chequers’ Boris Johnson is to remind the Conservative party cabinet ahead of the coming weekend away at Chequers.

LCD Views spoke to little seen cabinet member Philip Hammond about expectations ahead of the weekend away at the country pile.

“It’s great,” Mr Hammond said, “Do you know how long it is since I’ve seen daylight? Have I got a beard? I haven’t seen my reflection since late 2017.

And they broke my calculator months ago. Then they found my abacus and smashed that too. ”

Mr Hammond rambled on for some time, explaining how he’s been doing longhand sums with a hidden marker on his thigh.

“But it’s so hot down in the ‘hole’ with all the heating pipes running through. I perspire.

None of my sums stay legible after my hourly lecture from Redwood.

He threatens to beat me with an old phonebook. He says sorry and pretends to swing it. I just put my hands over my head and plan what I’ll do when I escape.

George Osborne got a note to me in my gruel last week telling me he will help me ‘chop them all up and put them in his freezer’. That’s pretty sweet of him considering I got his old job.”

Apparently Mr Hammond’s chief error though is putting minuses in front of Brexit forecasts. But he says he can’t help it. It’s how the sums come out.

“You don’t think Boris will organise a tiger in a bath tub do you? I reckon he could sneak one in to Chequers if he wanted. He’s such a big kid.”

We can’t say. We recommend you worry about getting out of Chequers in one piece.

“I don’t know why we aren’t flying to Amsterdam or Bangkok. That’s the best place to go to get your rocks off, just ask Boris.

Apparently he mentioned it as a joke when giving a big speech about the future of the UK and Brexit.

But it’s deadly serious. British men have to have cheap airfares to cheap sex after Brexit or we’re doomed as a trading nation.”

But what’s the most important thing to remember about the coming bash?

“What happens in Chequers, stays in Chequers,” Mr Hammond nods vigorously,

“Especially if we answer any Brexit related questions. No one is allowed to find out.”

We’re just happy they’re letting him out to play for a day, it’s almost like the country doesn’t have a chancellor anymore, which is a little odd.

“Why aren’t we flying to Vegas for the team building exercise if airfares are still so cheap?”

I’d just worry about keeping out of the cellar Phil because what happens in Chequers, stays in Chequers.

Man almost finished putting the cart before the horse

There’s encouraging news today that a man is almost finished putting a cart before a horse.

”I just need a little bit longer,” the man reveals, “I haven’t quite got the cart where I want it, but if I keep my shoulder to the wheel I believe I will get up sufficient momentum.”

The cart itself is a classic design, being made of wood felled with a worker’s hands and polished by a social media savvy collection of ageing revolutionaries.

They have successfully tapped into the justified anger caused by years of austerity following a banking crisis where all the crooks got away with it.

But they show little ability to convert this power into humane governance before their opportunity evaporates. We shall know soon.

But let’s be clear, this is not because they’re a gaggle of trots more concerned with sectarian infighting than overturning a vicious neocon, inherently racist government, that any sane evaluation of says, forget Lexit, use Brexit and get this shower out before they kill people.

The man with the cart is facing increasing criticism of this kind from class traitors.

“He would do better to just walk the horse around the cart and strap it to the front and get going,” comments a chap who may get trolled for days as a result of this article and will certainty lose some twitter followers.

”To achieve true change takes time.” the man and his committed supporters retort,

“we need the financial crisis Donald Trump will cause once he achieves his aim of stacking the fed with floosies who will artificially devalue the dollar to start a currency and trade war with China.

That calamity and its global implications, combined with the catastrophic result of the ruling Tories hard Brexit, will hopefully lead to mass defaults on mortgages and create the conditions for overturning of the apple cart that will lead to some bruised apples, but make me king.

You know the old saying, you can’t make apple crumble without both the poor and the well intentioned, but misguided, comfortable middle classes all eating out of burning bins.”

We asked the horse for comment and he replied,

”My name is Brexit. I am a gift horse. If this man doesn’t stop looking in my mouth I’m going to run away across the fields leaving him to drag his friggin’ cart on his own. Try building a movement then.”

For our part we would like to remind everyone,

True democratic power derives from  a vote by the masses electing a representative parliament and not from some farcical aquatic ceremony involving a big red bus.

Boris closes Valentine’s Day speech with a stunning rendition of Nothing Compares To EU

Boris Johnson’s keynote Brexit speech came with an unexpected twist. He concluded by leading a singalong of Sinead O’Connor’s most famous hit.

Rumours that he had shaved his head especially for the occasion unfortunately proved to be unfounded.

The bittersweet breakup anthem struck a chord with the faithful. It may seem odd that this speech came on the one day of the year dedicated to telling that special someone that you love them. But that’s Brexit, as ever a desperate hash of contradictions.

“Since EU’ve been gone I can do whatever I want!” crooned Boris as the slogan Take Back Control flashed up on the big screen.

“I went to the people and guess what they told me, guess what they told me?” sang Boris, before improvising, “They said, boy you Brexit at a run, no matter what the EU do”.

The audience was hurriedly googling the original lyrics to keep up with Boris.

“I know that living with EU was always hard, so I’m willing to say goodbye!” he carolled, hitting the top notes with ease. “All together now…”

“Coz nothing compares, nothing compares to EU!” chorused the audience.

“Well, that went with a good fibblefabble,” admitted Boris afterwards. “You know when you get to the end of the road with a lover and you just have to end it? Regrets, yes, but you just have to get over it and move on. The Road to Brexit opens up!”

Who’s the new love then, we asked. “We’re going it alone!” he exclaimed. “Brexit means Global Britain means a microwave meal for one and a quick hand shandy in front of Newsnight. Red, white and blue, old chap, red, white and blue!”

And with that liberal, literal interpretation he was gone. We await Theresa May’s versions of Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves and There Must Be Article 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover.

Honest broker to argue Brexit is liberal if you forget how many racists love it

Honest broker and all round friend of the people Boris Johnson is to argue today Brexit is liberal if you forget how many racists love it.

In a move that will shock his critics, the minister of state, often regarded as liberal with the truth, will break from long held tradition and come clean.

”Let’s be clear, the will of the people must be obeyed,” Johnson will argue with the strength of a willy of the people suffering from sporadic erectile dysfunction.

”Many times throughout the last century of history in the first half of the twentieth century on the continental landmass of Europe we saw the result of obeying the will of the people and just imagine if mob populism had been betrayed?”

Indeed.

”Whether you voted to leave the gaggle of democracies that have lately enshrined so many rights for people in shared law it makes a neocon’s eyes bleed for that lost percent of profit, or you voted to stand against the rise of nationalism and the chaos and carnage it has always led to, it’s time to unite behind Nigel Farage’s vision of our future.”

This was best evoked when Nigel mirrored Nazi propaganda during the EU ref campaign.

”All of Britain now will join with one heart to shout go home at anyone who looks like they may not be English, which includes shouting at Scots, and say to the world, trust us, trade with us, ignore that we will do whatever makes Rupert Murdoch feel powerful in the autumn of his life.”

He will then say pifflefaffle and something about smiles for the remainder of the speech before lifting hearts by reminding all,

”Brexit is a liberal project,” saluting with a flattened hand raised high, “if you are a racist.”

Premier league champions Brexit United still leading despite playing poorly

Premier league champions Brexit United are still leading despite playing poorly and claim they can hold on to take the crown no matter what challenge they face.

Their nearest rivals, Remain Rovers, have put in some strong performances, but, despite being presented with open goal after open goal, keep failing to score.

But it is United who continue to make the running.

Manager T. May is unable to explain the continued success.

“I am reluctant to change a winning team,” said May. “Even though performances have not been up to the standard I would expect. Somehow, although we can’t score for toffee, or even fudge, our opponents keep scoring own goals.”

The media billionaires who provide the finance are currently satisfied.

“So long as we stay on top of the league we don’t care what we play like,” claimed chairman R. Murdoch. “But if it all goes pear-shaped then we have Jacob Rees-Mogg lined up to take over as manager.”

Midfield general Jeremy C. Hunt expressed the fear that players would be dropped if they played badly.

“I was going to be dropped, but managed to make the boss realise that I was an essential part of the team,” said Hunt. “Players simply need to let the boss know who’s boss.”

Football pundit Larry Gineker gave his analysis.

“Disunited is a better name for the champions,” he said on Botch of the Day.

“Their Irish players in particular need to start playing for the team. However it is almost as if their opponents are deliberately helping them to win. We must hope that May injects some passion in the second half of the season. Would you like some crisps?”

Jermaine Jackson looked at Remain Rovers’ chances. “They simply need to expose Brexit as frauds,” he said. “It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3.”

Meanwhile some fans are deserting both teams in disgust. Brexit United’s media people deny occasional claims that a small, but vocal block of their supporters have switched allegiance.

A cup tie on May 3rd may make things clearer.

”I have teeth to pull,” said one irritated fan. “My drying paint won’t watch itself,” claimed another.

Unfortunately, all the diehards can do now is to shout from the sidelines and wait for the red cards.