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Peas-full protests squashed after Priti Patel orders police to place all vegetables under house arrest

THIS CABINET WILL EAT THEMSELVES : The Police are feeling the impact of a decade’s cuts more than usual today after Home Office Secretary, and former advocate of bringing back capital punishment, Priti Patel, ordered all vegetables in the UK placed under house arrest.

The disgraced former Secretary for International Development, who had to resign under May for attempting to secretly send overseas aid money to a foreign military, took the extreme decision because of vegetables invading central London to protest against the looming extinction of life on Earth.

“Carrots, broccoli (clearly), potatoes and other vegetables are finding themselves confined to fridge vegetable drawers today and guarded by a member of the Met,” a spokesprout for Ms Patel reassured the public, “this is to protect the public from raising awareness of the preventable mass extinction scheduled for this century.”

Clearly red faced chunks of gammon will still be free to barge about the capital, raising their hands in flat palmed salutes and threatening violence to anti-Brexit protestors. As that is acceptable to the rogue, minority government of Mr Johnson and chums.

Plans are also in place to outlaw the carrying of asparagus spears in public on grounds of public safety.

“If you ever wondered why Ms Patel always has that malevolent smirk fixed to her face, now you know. Her childhood dream of running a police state and arresting people exercising their right to protest is now coming true.”

But the order has had some unintended consequences.

A meeting of the governing cabinet, scheduled for today, had to be postponed after half the ministers failed to turn up.

“They have been located inside fridge drawers and will be freed as quickly as Ms Patel is able to stop smirking about it.”

Members of the cabinet identified as gammon were in attendance and feeling much safer in the awareness that all pineapples were confined to their homes.

In unrelated news, everyone is really relaxed about opposition parties complacency regarding bringing Johnson down and forming a GNU now that the streets are safe from the threat of brassicaceae…

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Queen delighted to have got through her speech without swearing

The Queen’s English remained queenly throughout her speech. But, courtiers reveal, it was a close run affair.

“Her Majesty was as close to saying ‘F*ck this sh*t!’ as she has ever been,” claimed special advisor Roy Latitude. “But she managed to hold it together and play her part to perfection.”

Latitude also disclosed that the Queen worked very hard to maintain a straight face. “I don’t think she was sure whether to laugh or cry,” he said. “Once she was safely back at Buck House, the air turned red, white and blue!”

Was it comedy, or horror? Have a look through the highlights.

“My government intends to work towards a new partnership with the European Union, based on English exceptionalism and sticking two fingers up,” said the Queen. “It also intends to research definitions for the words get, it, and done.” A ripple of suppressed laughter spread through the House.

“My government will make the trains run on time!” declared Her Majesty, to gasps of astonishment. “And, in the absence of a properly functioning government, will supply an executive replacement big red bus service!”

On care for the elderly, she said “My government will ensure Dignitas in old age.” Cries of “Shame!” were heard, many Tories applauded, and Priti Patel laughed out loud.

“My government is committed to addressing violent crime, and will fight tooth and nail to achieve it,” said the Queen. “Victimless crime, like fraud, gerrymandering and Brexit, will continue unchecked, instead of wasting money on police officers.” Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg, school bully and girly swot, actually high fived.

“New laws will be taken forward to help implement the National Health Service’s break-up and fire sale,” said Her Majesty drily, with an almost imperceptible raised eyebrow. ‘The health of British bank accounts is of paramount importance.”

The government has no majority, no mandate and no time left. Let’s hope this gets laughed out of court before the farce changes to tragedy.

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Downing Street denies Queen’s speech will be delivered by Dominic Cummings in drag

DOMMER AND DOMMER : Never ones to be behind the story, Downing Street have denied that today’s Tory Party electoral broadcast will be delivered by anyone but Queen Elizabeth II.

“It’s not going to be Dominic “Short” Cummings in drag,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views exclusively, “it’s going to be the old girl herself. FFS. I AM A GENIUS. Here, hand me that pancake. And the mascara. AND YOUR PHONE AND GET OUT.”

But in spite of the clear and assertive denial rumours are still flying around the Westminster bubble that the person riding in the golden carriage, past the rough sleepers of inner London, and up to the crumbling palace of UK democracy, thus to proceed to a big golden chair, will be Dominic Cummings in drag, and not the Queen.

“For all we know the Queen is in on it,” one commentator speculated without any evidence, “she’s not just doing what she sees as her constitutional duty under duress. She’s not waiting patiently, if quietly furious, for the country’s elected representatives to sort out their own mess.”

And sort out their own mess the government will, judging by leaks in advance of the speech.

“Clearly the detainment and civil rights violation sector is set for a boom, as will be revealed in Dominic’s, I mean the Queen’s speech,” a Johnson SPAD told us, on the condition of anonymity, “so too the food bank sector. You thought it was booming now? Wait until after Brexit. Blood money from weapons sales? Key plank of Global Britain. There’s going to be something in here for everyone. Except the poor of course. But what use are they?”

How much of the speech the government will get to enact is just guesswork though. Since Mr Johnson cleverly administered punishment exclusions of his own MPs, he doesn’t have the numbers to pass laws.

“He’ll just have to keep proroguing Parliament and act as if he has passed the laws. It’s all perfectly democratic. There is no chance at all that the sole reason for having this bogus ramble in Westminster today is in the hope of the speech being voted down and a GE forced upon us.”

At least with the speech the UK can see it’s symbolism is still shiny and on display.

“It’s strong and stable government,” the SPAD added, “now if you don’t mind I’ve got to run along and buy a toy crown for Dom.”

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Boris’ deal described as May minus minus minus


When is a deal not a deal? When it’s an old deal reheated and with the bits you don’t like crossed out in red biro.

Boris Johnson’s brand new masterpiece, the stonking great innovation, is actually Theresa May’s old thrice rejected deal with a few bits missing. If May’s deal was an old pack of cards including a Joker with the words “Irish border” scribbled on it, Johnson’s is the same but without the Joker.

Small wonder that the EU negotiating team has dubbed it “May minus minus minus”.

Johnson has also removed Mr Bun the Baker from the pack, and replaced him with Mr Rees-Mogg the Saboteur.

Just to make it easier for the EU to reject his deal while laughing their heads off, Johnson stooge Priti Patel has announced the end of freedom of movement. This prevents Johnson from travelling to Europe to negotiate, although it also means we are stuck with the buggers indefinitely.

It’s no deal better than this bad deal? The bad deal leaves us voluntarily tied to Europe but with no say. No deal sees us fall victim to bigger regimes who will offer us trade on disadvantageous terms and say take it or leave it. Take back control, indeed.

In short, any deal will leave us weakened, no deal could well destroy the economy. You may as well offer the choice between cutting off one leg, or both. And you have to buy your own wheelchair. The option of cutting off neither and carrying on as normal does not seem to be available.

May minus minus minus renders us legless. And not in a good way.

We voted for this, apparently. We voted to disable ourselves and we knew it. Yeah, right. It’s just another lie that nobody is brave enough to call out.

The country is on fire. It is burning out of control. Soon there won’t be any pants left.

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Government introduces voter ID – voters must bring one year of Daily Mail’s to prove eligibility to vote

BECAUSE VOTER FRAUD IS THE ISSUE : The government is taking measures to combat electoral fraud by changing the rules around voting.

“It’s too hard to combat widespread electoral fraud, as happened in the EUref in 2016,” Home Office spokesman Gerry Mander said today, “and besides, to admit there’s a serious danger to our democratic standards by digital manipulation of electors would risk showing how hollow the Brexit mantra ‘will of the people’ is. So instead we’re going to crack down on the non-issue is voter fraud. This should distract everyone nicely.”

And distracting everyone nicely, while rigging the hell out of elections and referendums, is now a key plank of modern governance.

“Suggestions that forcing everyone to bring an entire year’s worth of Daily Mail’s is an attempt to gerrymander the electoral register is entirely correct,” Gerry continued, “I mean who has those? Except hardcore Tory supporters? The young? Nope. Lefties? Definitely not. Immigrant communities? Not bloody likely. Working class voters who are happy to be programmed? Possibly. This will ensure our core vote of affluent bigots and poorer people who have been systematically disenfranchised will be able to vote. It’s going to work a treat.”

But some have raised queries about what the polling stations will do with so much paper? Especially given the expected toilet paper shortages to come with Brexit. Surely the Daily Mail’s can be put to better use?

“Of course they can. The climate cost of tabloid journalism is woeful. Especially so when you consider the message carried by the tabloids. A double down. But I wouldn’t worry about storage of the Daily Mail’s in most constituencies.”

Why not?

“Well, a solid Labour or Libdem or SNP area won’t have many eligible voters. So it’s a non-issue.”

What about allowing people to bring a year of Guardians instead? Or Independents? Or proof of digital subscription to a solid investigate journalism outfit?

“Ha! What the hell? We’d be out of power forever.”

Gerry Mander, thank you, and good luck rigging the ballot box.

“We’ll be stuffing them next.”

No doubt, if you thought you could get away with it, or if the penalties for being caught are worth the reward.

“Now it sounds like your talking about electoral fraud in 2016 again and attempting to undermine the will of the people…”

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Government orders all transactions in UK be done with Brexit 50p coins so someone uses them

PROPAGANDA SMASH (IN YOUR POCKET) : The government has sought to get behind its own commemorative Brexit 50p’s and push today, ordering all transactions in the United Kingdom to be conducted with the minted propaganda coins.

The new law, enabled by the Withdrawal Bill that parliament passed into law in a fucking coma, gives the executive and ministers sovereign powers to do whatever the hell they like. And they are.

It is however a boon for the struggling UK haulage industry, as significant purchases such as homes and motor vehicles naturally require a lot of 50p coins.

“To make it easier we’ve also changed the law so that the only price possible for anything is in multiples of 50p,” an aide to ‘The Saj’ told LCD Views, “The Saj apparently just wanted to cap the price of everything at 50p, but Matt Hancock is believed to have pushed back, explaining that once the NHS is dismantled and sold off in its entirety, American private health firms are going to expect to be able to charge multiples of 50p for a hip operation, or a heart bypass.”

But critics have suggested that if the UK leaves the EU, then inflation will mean entire fleets of lorries maybe required and there isn’t yet the capacity on the country’s roads to cope with that sort of traffic.

“That’s just remoaners doing what they do best. Moaning over facts and figures. Best to ignore them. You don’t get unicorns by paying attention to reality now, do you?”

Good advice.

“And no putting little stickers saying Bollocks to Brexit on our new 50p coins!” the aide warned, “if we suddenly find ten million 50p coins with Bollocks to Brexit stuck on them, well, we may feel the aim of the brain washing by coin has backfired.”

But it is likely that the real beneficiary of the minting of the propaganda smash will be any firm printing Bollocks to Brexit stickers shaped to fit on the 50p coins. We suggest getting a roll and keeping it handy for when the jingle jangle of creeping fascism starts smashing about in your pocket.

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Boris Johnson runs marathon under two hours fleeing Jennifer Arcuri inquiry by London Assembly

DON’T STOP MOVING : They seek him here, they seek him there, those lawyers, they seek him everywhere.

Embattled British Prime Minister, Boris ‘Shagger’ Johnson, has broken the marathon speed record, set only yesterday, by Eliud Kipchoge in Vienna. And he’s done so with no pacers or lasers, just his own will and determination to remain free. Oh, and a route marked out by Dom ‘Short’ Cummings.

While official confirmation is still to be handed down by the relevant authorities (as with most things Boris), we can confirm that the blonde streak of something ran the 26.2 miles in 1hr 30mins.

Hair dancing in the wind, arms flailing by his side, he could perhaps improve on the time if he had better physical form.

“He’s still running,” our sporting chance correspondent says, “he was last seen crossing the Pont Hafren, and is expected to leave mainland UK later today and race across a mind bridge on the sea.”

His actual target destination isn’t clear, but the motivation for the blistering speed allegedly is.

“He’s legging it from the GLA inquiry into his relationship with the Bill Gates of pole dancing, Jennifer Arcuri,” our correspondent informs, “it’s likely he will cross Ireland and continue across the Atlantic. We expect he will make landfall on the east coast of the United States before month end.”

We would advise Boris Johnson takes a sharp turn as he approaches continental North America and goes south. Touching down in the USA may time with the culmination of the impeachment proceedings of Donald Trump and he wouldn’t want to find himself embroiled in all that too.

The only question is will the GLA be fast enough to catch up with Mr Johnson? It’ll have to be quick because Brexit realities are already hot on his heels and closing in from all sides.

We’re not sure what time Mr Johnson will eventually record, or serve up, but there’s the ever growing feeling that his time is almost up…

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Government suddenly starts working properly after introduction of compulsory drug tests

The UK has woken up to a fully-functioning government, after years of useless ones. The monumentally stupid pronouncements and childish taunts have ceased. Surprised investigators have discovered the answer.

For the first time in years, in fact probably for the first time since the Magna Carta, Parliament is clean. Rigorous drug tests have weeded out the spaffing spliffers and white line sniffers. Parliamentary boozers are now losers, and the smackheads have been smacked by Matron and sent to bed.

The change is remarkable. Michael Gove, for example, has spoken in the Chamber with eloquence and reason. Not once did he slobber, sway, or go all swivel-eyed. Boris Johnson apologised for making a hash of things, revoked Article 50 and resigned to allow someone more competent to lead his Party. Jacob Rees-Mogg remained upright throughout proceedings.

The change has been hard for some members. For David Davis the change has been difficult, to say the least. He was discovered in the now-closed Alex Salmond Memorial Bar, gibbering, sweating and shaking. Not the DTs, but the realisation that he is a complete fraud.

Theresa May has been banned from taking walking holidays in Wales, because this is seen as a gateway activity to running through wheatfields.

Chris Grayling has stopped bringing coke into work. He is now under a clean living regime, and besides the bubbles used to get up his nose.

Some female members are finding their career paths blocked. The problem is that they cannot sleep their way to the top jobs any more, since the brains of the men they use are no longer addled enough for the men to find them attractive.

The House of Lords has been transformed into a rehab centre, for those who still turn up drink as a lord. For the diehard refuseniks, cardboard boxes have been provided under Westminster Bridge.

And Brexit, the crack cocaine of the masses, has been consigned to the recycling bin of history.

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Man of his swerve : Johnson to spend weekend deciding which ally to throw under the bus for a Brexit deal

BUILDING BRIDGES OUT OF BUSES : BORIS JOHNSON, flailing prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, is going to have a heavy weekend. He’s got some thinking to do. Some people weirdly trust him and he has to choose who to disabuse, or he may not deliver Brexit. Which would be a shame. If you’re a nationalist politician after independence.

“The DUP? They’re always on the phone. It never stops,” a technical coach, helping Boris understand Instagram, told LCD Views, “like, every time I take my top off to better show BoBo how to upload a selfie with a virile filter, it’s Arlene again! I think he should throw the DUP under the bus and keep Northern Ireland in the CU and SM. He can just front out the rest of the UK wanting exactly the same benefit by saying it’s the elites who did it.”

But other aides to the PM think he should throw different allies under the bus.

“We’ll first he’s got to make a bus big enough,” a local arts and crafts supplier advised, “to this end I am shortly to deliver a truckload of cardboard, craft glue and paints. Oh, and some little Lego people to serve as the people he throws under the bus. I think he should throw the ERG under. They’re so radicalised now they’ll never agree to anything but a Wicker Man Brexit anyway. And if he gets rid of them…wait…the maths is a problem with this Brexit business. Well, he should throw them under anyway. For the public good.”

It’s clearly a tough choice. He’s got to keep enough Labour MPs supporting Brexit too, while alienating a battalion from his own side?

“Probably best to throw Dominic Cummings under the bus? Don’t you think?” the poor sod who has to tidy up Downing Street each evening said, “if I have to scrub another kilo of chicken entrails off Dom’s desk I’ll go insane. Not to mention cleaning up all the scattered knuckle bones, small, hard to identify femurs and what not. The divination rites to decide each day’s new Brexit dead cat play are very messy. It wasn’t like this with May. She just spent each day in the toilet screaming for someone to make Boris Johnson go away.”

One thing is certain, if he does deliver any kind of Brexit, you can wish the UK away. Much better if we just stayed…Boris knows that. Why not throw Brexit under the Brexit bus?

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Survivors of sinister cult describe indoctrination by man with massive forehead

The love that dare not speak its truth – Brexit – has claimed many unfortunate victims, but a more worrying dimension has emerged. Recovering victims have spoken of a process of having their heads emptied, this act performed by an individual with an unnaturally large forehead.

Mental hygiene is a phrase much utilised, say recovered cult members. Clearing the mind of impurities, such as critical thought, paved the way to full indoctrination.

“Brainwashing is such an ugly word,” remarks survivor Carrie Ondokta to LCD Views’ Cult Culture correspondent. “But that’s what it was. It was done by a man we called ‘The Alien’. He had this enormous forehead, like Martians in their traditional image.”

Ondokta also remembers the man being referred to as ‘the Dom’. “We just assumed he was the dominant male,” she admitted.

Survivors remember many shadowy figures drifting around, constantly reinforcing the message. Ondokta remembers some of their code names. “Banksy, Boris the Animal, Saint Nigel. I did get to meet a lot of lovely Russians online, though they did seem a bit samey.”

Cult life was good at first. “Brilliant, in fact,” Ondokta confirms. “I felt empowered. For the first time in my life. I spent many happy hours learning how to win an argument by simply saying you lost, get over it. It was a rush, a thrill.”

Cult members happily donated money and sex to the leaders. “We felt loved and respected,” said Ondokta. “Every time we felt a bit bad, or some more annoying facts surfaced, they would give us a new slogan to chant, and sing the sovereignty song:

  “Freedom and sovereignty,

  “Are more than enough for you and me.”

Ondokta quit after being shown the cliff edge over which she was expected to leap joyfully. “Suddenly I realised how much danger I was in,” she said. “Something a bit like scales fell from my eyes, and suddenly the deception became apparent. I went from dog whistler to whistle blower.”

So she left. Leave means Leave.