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Home Office to deport all doppelgängers ahead of Brexit to ensure no EU spies remain behind

DOUBLE TROUBLE : The Hone Office is taking a bold step to prepare for Brexit by announcing the immediate detention of all doppelgängers.

“It’s well known that the EU has been attempting to undermine the will of the British people by planting doubles in our society,” Mr Pratt, Tory MP for Big-on-Pratts, told LCD Views, “it’s even thought some of the body doubles inserted over the years into the UK are the reason the EU has not yet realised that we hold all the cards. Well, we’re going to put a stop to all that.”

The initiative, part of the overall drive to eventually deport everyone from the UK, so as to start all over again with cultural purity, will be a welcome relief to many patriots.

“Once the doppelgängers are removed and returned, unharmed, to their country of origin, proper British people will not be plagued by the accusations they’ve been spotted doing unpatriotic things. This will reassure everyone that we are going to make a success of Brexit, not only in global trade, but culturally. Purity is important.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that twins may fall foul of the round up and end up detained and removed unjustly.

“We expect there will be an acceptable small error rate. Twins will be able to apply to return, just so long as they don’t pick up any suspicious inflections in their accents while abroad. It’s all perfectly straightforward.”

And members of the general public are encouraged to get involved.

“We will be releasing a free phone number for you to call if you see someone that looks a little bit, or a lot, like you. We will have them removed. But just be careful to call first, before they do.”

Brexit, it’s not a flawed idea turning our society slowly into a fascist playground, it’s a success.

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Queen looking forward to giving her first Queen’s speech written by Dominic “Short” Cummings

MAKE IT SHORT AND MAKE IT SNAPPY : Queen Elizabeth is reported (in a way that means completely fabricated) to be “beside herself with anticipation” at giving her first Queen’s Speech to re-open Parliament.

The tradition of the constitutional monarch sitting in a big golden chair goes back a long way and is used to display the Queen’s excellent collection of hats.

It also has the added benefit of looking good for postcards. Sometimes it is used by the Queen to send subtle messages to her humble servants in Parliament. Like when she wore that giant EU flag hat.

“It’s also used to set out the government’s priorities for a new session of Parliament,” our constitutional expert (using that term loosely) chipped in, “although this speech will be pretty brief because it’s all just a bit of smoke and mirrors on the executive’s part. They’re desperate to dissolve Parliament again as soon as it sits again. Not only to evade scrutiny, which dissolves Boris Johnson like sulphuric acid, but because they need a general election before they’re ousted.”

Quite what the Queen will be given to say isn’t certain.

“Dominic Cummings will be writing it, so you can bet it will be totally genius,” our expert nods, “by expert I mean of the kind that thinks everyone else is an idiot.”

Although it is rumoured that the aged monarch is looking for a sub this time, as she’s still bloody furious about being stitched up in the prorogation of Parliament. A matter now under consideration by the UK’s Supreme Court.

“Dominic will probably offer to give it himself,” our expert chances, “which isn’t a bad call. It’s almost guaranteed to be an exercise in self-defeating mendacity. So why not have an expert in that realm make the delivery?”

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Popular politician embarrassed daily by public on any topic definitely getting great last minute deal from EU

IF THE LIE FITS SAY IT : Global Britons are feeling positive and upbeat about the future, near and far, today as Boris Johnson continues to set the campaign trail ablaze.

“It’s a damn good thing he got that five week prorogation of Parliament through,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “that has given him four weeks, six and a half days to campaign in without parliamentary scrutiny, before a general election spending cap comes into force, and leaves him a few hours to scribble down some nonsense for the Queen to say. This just before parliament is suspended again for a general election anyway.”

But while it is outlandish to suggest evasion of scrutiny was the reason for suspending parliament, with Mr Johnson, scrutiny is still having its way.

“We really must do better at predicting what danger is waiting just around the corner each day,” the source continued, “we do have our best brain working on it, but you could not have seen it coming. No one could have foreseen an upset and anxious parent confronting Mr Johnson about the state of the NHS when he dropped in to an NHS hospital out of legitimate concern for the service.”

It’s a good thing Mr Johnson is so intellectually nimble.

“Yes. He reacted like a seasoned fighter pilot faced with a sudden threat. Talk about evasive manoeuvres! Telling the man that there was no press present when they were both standing metres from the press? Brilliant. That’s a move straight out of fifty shades of multi-dimensional chess.”

And the fast footwork has at least reassured the country regarding Mr Johnson’s stated reason for being in office.

“The general public are cunning, unpredictable and vicious. Seasoned hands at taking down politicians when they are surprised by them. It’s basically the only thing random members of the public are ever prepared for. You just wait and see how minced is Brussel’s meat when it comes to the last seconds of No Deal Brexit chicken.”

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Making a hash of it – #IamBoris tops social media hashtag trends as public show solidarity with ‘ambushed’ PM

NO ONE SAW IT COMING : Beleaguered caretaker Prime Minister Boris Johnson is feeling the love today after the hashtag #IamBoris topped social media trends.

“It’s happening in response to the savage ambush Mr Johnson fell prey to yesterday while dropping in to Whipps Cross hospital to lay his healing hands on the sick and infirm,” a Downing Street social media analyst told LCD Views, “he definitely wasn’t using the only refurbished ward in the entire NHS for cynical electioneering purposes, and got hand bagged by reality for it.”

It was not instant karma. It really wasn’t.

Although it’s reasonable to expect Mr Johnson is standing under a verifiable Damocles sword of instant karma, that is hanging by a thread.

A thread that is fraying daily. He may even now be able to feel the sharp point of the sword pressing down on the top of his big head.

The race to the top of the charts of #IamBoris has had the useful effect of pushing one aimed at sacking Laura Kuenssberg down into second place, with #WhythefcukdoesLabourevenneedaBrexitpolicyanyway in third.

“It’s a good thing that the public, who overwhelmingly support Boris Johnson, can show their love and support instantaneously via social media channels. It’s definitely not just bots that are promoting the hashtag. Although, funnily enough, if you look at normal Boris threads, the vast majority of positive replies come from accounts that just reek of lubricant, fizzing circuits and language that suggests they usually type in Cyrillic.”

Boris Johnson will he recording a live video later to thank the general public, although he won’t be taking questions in case once again he’s ambushed on one of his specialist topics.

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Mark Francois expelled from Tory Party for being FRENCH


Pardon my French! Pint sized pillock Mark Francois has been removed from the Conservative & Undemocratic Nationalist Threat party. You do the acronym.

Brexit has led us to this ridiculous ethnic cleansing. Only people with good honest British names like Johnson, Farage and Patel will be permitted to stay here.

But Mark Francois is clearly FRENCH! His name is French and it means French! He had therefore obviously an EU imposter and spy, and has been expelled from the Conservative Party and forced to seek asylum with the Lib Dems.

Francois was outraged. “You Eenglish pig dogs!” he exploded. “I fart in your general direction. Fetchez la vache!”

Francois is only in the public eye again because he managed to evade the security guards at the Bedlam unit where he is kept under lock and key for his own safety. He managed to spout nonsense on TV and dress up as a policemen before his minders tracked him down and sedated him again.

Pedantic linguists see this as a worrying development. “Britain will end up being expelled from Britain,” claimed cunning linguist Polly Glott. “Britain is a French name. So is Wales. England is a German name. The Scots came from Ireland and vice versa. Our land is literally foreign and will have to be banned!”

“That’s a load of bollocks!” reported Francois diplomatically. “What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would… err…” He paused to seize a rose from a nearby rosebush. “Aaaarggghh! The f&@#ing thorns have ripped off all my skin! They should be banned! Now!”

English roses are prickly underneath. Who knew?

Brexit, then will not just split Britain from Europe, or England from Scotland. The UK will be an ex country. It will cease to be.

So to make sure the UK survives, logically Brexit must stop. Unfortunately it means we will also have to keep Mark Francois.

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DEEP FAKE : Boris Johnson advised to film meet and greets with public in front of blue screens in future

SEE ONLY WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE : Useful intelligence where it’s lacking today after 10 Downing Street hired a special fx expert famous for work in fantasy movies.

The rapid hire is believed to result from the way the general public hand Mr Johnson his arse whenever he goes outside and meets them.

“By use of the technique called Chroma Keying, used in movies and news casting, we can overlay more sympathetic backgrounds and better members of the public for Mr Johnson,” a Downing Street ‘source’ advised, “sunlit uplands, frolicking unicorns and adoring blonde women, falling at his feet, will be all anyone sees from now on.”

The move has been met with approval by the PR industry, who are currently mostly baffled by Mr Johnson’s faceplanting each time he goes outside.

“Thankfully digital technology is so advanced these days we can place Mr Johnson in wards of adoring patients at a fictional NHS hospital. Their hands outstretched towards Boris in the hope of being healed by touching.”

It’s thought if the technique proves successful, and resets Mr Johnson’s reputation back to as a man of the people, and not some overgrown, spoilt, posh boy hearing no for the first time in his life, then it will be utilised for the business of governance.

“We’re not really governing anyway,” the source added, “just making a bucket load of campaign videos for a general election that is not currently happening. But one day we will have to at least pretend to be governing, so then we can use blue screen and arrive at a much more acceptable degree of success in the House of Commons.”

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Chris Grayling – “As long as Liz Truss is a Minister it’ll feel like I never left.”

DIGGING HOLES TO FILL WITH PUBLIC CASH FOREVER : Welcome support today for Secretary of International Trade, Liz Truss, from the calamity king himself.

“As long as Liz Truss is a Minister it’ll feel like I never left,” Chris Grayling told a packed accident and emergency room, “just look at her work with Saudi Arabia? Priceless. I couldn’t have done better myself.”

While long suffering observers of Mr Grayling may quibble with his assertion that he couldn’t have done better in the field of illegal arms sales to Saudi Arabia (we have a few nuclear subs someone could accidentally sell them), Ms Truss does at least offer continuity.

“It’s important to have the impression that every single member of this terminally stupid government is a complete, fucking idiot,” our Westminster watcher said, “it’s important, because based on all available evidence, they are.”

Still, Ms Truss’ little slip of the signature over the arms and equipment to the oil rich kingdom of endless public executions, does take the heat off the photo op she took in Australia.

“The Australian authorities actually had a warrant out for her. Something about imitating a childminder, by giving the impression of a imperial nostalgia drunk muppet down on Sydney Harbour. You must have seen the photo?”

“Someone may have left their children with her and God only knows what calamity would have followed. But they’ve withdrawn the warrant now as she’s promised to promptly leave the country. Before she takes anymore photos and restarts the republican movement.”

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“Bottled it” – the new perfume by Boris Johnson – “a smell so strong he bottled it”

WHAT MAKES YOU GREEN AT THE GILLS : Exciting news for people who like a good political stink today with the announcement that short serving premier Boris Johnson has bottled it.

“It’s the smell of a Luxembourg press conference combined with facing parliament,” our resident ‘nose’ reports, “just one whiff and you’ll be whisked away to a place of stale jockstraps, discarded for the maids, toast racks and chaps laughing like hyenas. And of course, the ever mounting fear of failure at home.”

The bottle itself has been carefully designed to reflect Mr Johnson’s successes since succeeding Theresa May as the UK’s most useless, and damaging, prime minister.

“The bottle is entirely transparent and in the shape of a number six,” our nose continues, “although this can be inverted into a nine, for when Mr Johnson completes his next day of parliamentary business. Whenever that will be, we can not know of course. But it was thought it wouldn’t be necessary to make editions of seven and eight. He’ll go straight to nine.”

But critics of the perfume have pointed out the need to shake it vigorously from side to side to activate the stench.

“That’s to remind everyone of when he faced down Leo Varadkar, and successfully reinforced prevailing windy perceptions of the UK with our nearest neighbours. To activate the most particles shake it out to the side and then in to your chest.”

And the fragrance is sure to be up everyone’s knows during the PR push this week.

“No less than the Supreme Court is judging it,” our nose snorted, “which is a great achievement so soon into Mr Johnson’s time at the top.”

LCD Views would like to thank 10 Downing Street once anticipation of receiving a complimentary crate of the perfume. We can guarantee we’ll pour it liberally down the drain.

“Bottled It”, by Boris Johnson, it smells just like his premiership.

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Liz Truss ‘inadvertently’ revokes Article 50

All trussed up! Liz Truss, the woman who inadvertently became Trade Secretary after inadvertently submitting her CV to Boris Johnson, has inadvertently revoked Article 50. She had apologised, saying “I don’t know how it happened. Silly me. Oops!”

The gaffe-tastic Truss has been in the ascendant ever since inadvertently joining the Conservative Party. Losing Truss was a shock the Liberal Democrats have never recovered from.

It seems that Truss can’t help herself. For example, she was told how to behave in cabinet meetings. ‘Always laugh at Boris’ little jokes, and never dunk your custard creams.’ Needless to say, Truss emerges from meetings stony faced, and her teacup always contains half a soggy biscuit.

As she approached the higher echelons of power, she was warned not sleep with anyone to enhance her prospects. However sources close to the PM revealed that, during the interview process, Truss inadvertently shagged Dominic Cummings.

So it comes as no surprise that the woman who inadvertently signed off a massive sale of arms to the Saudis with the salutation ‘Love and kisses, Zaphod’ should have accidentally put her name on the wrong piece of paper.

Insiders allege that the PM’s office contains an envelope, containing a blank Article 50 revocation, labelled ‘open in case of emergency’.

Truss had called in to meet Boris, and spotted the envelope while inadvertently giving BJ a BJ. Naturally this was a red tag to a bully, and she managed to sign the document and place it in the PM’s out tray while his attention was elsewhere.

“It was a massive blow,” the PM admitted. “Oh, the revocation, you mean? Well that was a bit of a blow too.”

At least Boris can blame Liz Truss’ inner Lib Dem for the indiscretion.

Unconfirmed rumours state that Truss inadvertently appointed Chris Grayling as her special advisor.

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My derelict parliament still got TripAdvisor reviews even though it’s shut

TIME GENTLEMEN TIME : In July 2019, emotionally retarded man-child, Boris Johnson, inherited a representative parliament called Westminster on the banks of the Thames, a long river running from the English countryside, through London and out to France.

He hoped to redevelop Westminster into a stage for his triptych and tell the story of a country moving from absolute monarchy, to constitutional monarchy, and then accidentally into autocratic, fascist tyranny.

He planned to tell the three parter through interpretive dance, next to legitimate world leaders such as Leo Varadkar, and social media performances.

In September 2019 he closed the parliament in order to refurbish it to this end. He had even engaged a demolition expert called Dom “Short” Cummings. Short Cummings claimed to also be a genius architect, but no one has ever seen evidence of that.

“Parliament is supposed to be refurbished now,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views, “it’s closed. We’ll keep it closed so we can refurbish it as a rubber stamp for tyranny. In my plans that’s after a GE in which I hope to use toxic nationalism, combined with propagandising populism, to stuff the place full of Francois’ and Bridgens. It’s a bit of a shock to find people giving it reviews on TripAdvisor and demanding it is re-opened immediately. I won’t budge. It’s my parliament and I’ll do what I like with it. Some of the people leaving reviews are saying they think parliament should refurbish itself. That it’s actually their parliament too and not just mine. They’re idiots.”

But Mr Johnson may not have it all his own way. TripAdvisor isn’t the only forum where people are expressing a desire to modify his plans.

“Now the local planning authority, the Supreme Court, has gotten involved,” Mr Johnson shrugged, “and they say they’re going to leave a TripAdvisor review soon too. Well I warn them not to get involved or my friends in the media will start leaving reviews on them too.”

How the story plays out isn’t clear, but one thing seems likely, the reviews on Mr Johnson will only get more scathing the longer the saga drags on.