Old man misses trip of a lifetime after getting stuck in the 1970’s on Europe

An old man has reportedly missed the trip of a lifetime after he got stuck in the 1970’s on Europe.

“We all expected him to get stuck in an elevator to be honest,” a friend of the old man said, “he’s more at home walking up stairs slowly. It does take him some time to build up momentum.”

It’s believed the old man had been anticipating a long and fun journey aboard the ship of state, HMS 10 Downing Street, but he spent so long getting ready he missed the boat.

“He’s a bit puzzled,” the friend said, “he missed a few other boats back in the 50’s, 60’s and 1970’s and he really thought this time his ship had come in.

But when it looked like he was about to close his suitcase and get down to the port he suddenly remembered the EU is a corporate bully playground that only legislates all those minimum protections for democratic institutions, people’s rights and the environment because it’s a great cover for what they’re really doing by essentially making it easy for everyone on one continent to trade.

He had to call up a few people and organise some talking shops after the revelation. He should have kept packing his bag. He only had a pair of beige socks left to put in.”

We asked our travel analyst what he thought of the old man missing the boat?

“Some people think he can swim out and catch it still,” Pol Affairs mused, “but I don’t know if he’s a strong enough swimmer? It’s not really surprising.

You think about the time since he began preparing to catch the boat in earnest? Other people have done all the heavy lifting. The shirts. The underwear. The spare pair of canvas shoes.

He’s just wandered about talking about wanting to catch a boat. What move has he actually initiated personally?

I think he’s very good at encouraging people to go and vote for long ocean voyages, but that’s about it. A good campaigner. Endlessly walking to a port that is always a mile away.

It was the same when he played as a striker in his local league as a child.

You could stand him in front of an open goal, the goalie could be throwing up in the corner of the net because he was allowed too much pop drink before the game, and he simply would not strike the ball into the net. Over and over again.”

Apparently some people are considering commandeering a speed boat to use to take the old man out to the ship of state before it sails over the horizon, but we’ll have to wait and see if the old man is willing to move fast enough to get into it.

“It’s a shame really,” Pol Affairs added, “the crew of the ship are absolutely insane, no one is enjoying the voyage, it will be norovirus from port to port. The old man could have been useful on board washing everyone’s feet and hands. Oh and by stopping the ship plowing straight into that little island called GFA, because it’s off course and headed that way.”

May announces Tantric Brexit in which the moment of truth is delayed as long as possible

Theresa May has declared that the inevitable climax of Brexit is to be postponed for an indefinite period. This open-ended ‘transition period’ will, presumably, be strung out for as long as she can manage it. Westminster insiders are describing it as a Tantric Brexit.

In this scenario, the act of Brexit will, to an uncritical observer, continue unabated. However, the participants are actually working to ensure that they stay engaged for a much longer time than would normally be expected. The trick is to remain strong and stable during the entirety of the process.

LCD Views’ Inappropriate Innuendo correspondent spoke to insider Pat Mybottom. “Tantric Brexit means that the UK gets shafted for as long as possible,” she stated. “It’s more of a coming together than breaking up. We will maintain the deep and special relationship with the EU.”

What are the implications for the UK? Is this a good deal, or a bad deal?

“It’s a big deal, and that’s all that matters,” retorted Mybottom. “Tantric means Tantric. It’s a boy job and a girl job, and we are getting on the job… I mean, getting on with the job in hand. A job in the hand is worth two in the bush. Theresa May is very clear about this. Anything less would be a blow for the UK.”

We also spoke to Tantric expert Mr Sting, a much-loved popular musician. “Let me first quash rumours that I have re-recorded one of my greatest hits as ‘Can’t Stand Losing EU’,” he said. “Nor ‘Brexit In A Bottle’ or ‘Fields Of Wheat’. Although I may do so at some point in the future. Deferred gratification is very much my personal philosophy.”

But will the UK and the EU have a cigarette afterwards, or will the UK shamefully slink off home with its knickers in its handbag? Time will tell.

Unidentifiable floating object in Thames revealed as “a” fudgeberg

The authorities in Westminster, London, are bracing themselves for a clean up job that may appear endless as another giant fudgeberg is emerging on the waters of the Thames.

“Here we go again,” a fed up London Port Authority worker told LCD, “the guys that have to go down into the sewers and clean out fatbergs, they don’t know how easy they have it! We had the mother of all fudgebergs before Christmas and now they’re saying son of fudgeberg has emerged!”

It appears the giant fudge, which has the potential to kill as readily as its mother, not only over the issue of the Irish border, is made up by a combination of the looming Brexit position speeches planned in the coming week by both Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

“If these politicians had to clean the giant floaters out of the Thames themselves, maybe they’d think twice before creating these bloody things? I’m supposed to be counting herons up stream at Richmond, but I’ve been drafted in and told to grab a spoon and a bucket,” the worker continued.

But how concerned should the general public be?

“Very! Don’t go near it. If you see a piece washed up on the foreshore at low tide, do not touch it. Don’t let your dog eat it. If your child accidentally ingests a piece you need to get their stomach pumped right away. Anyone who has actually digested Brexit fudge has become a drooling idiot who believes the BBC is still impartial on politics.”

But surely the experience the Port Authority has now in clearing fudgebergs should have lead to efficiencies in the clean up process by now?

“Do you want to get down here and pick up a spoon? It’s smelly work. It gets on your clothes and eats into the fabric. It’s just a nasty job.”

LCD Views would like to state how much we value and appreciate the work of the Port Authority men and women who are routinely called upon to clean up the results of the fudged thinking of leading politicians too cynical to tell the voting public exactly what they’re after.

“Oh, hang on. Apparently the meeting at Chequers last night birthed a giant Boris turd that has been flushed into the river too.

And now that McDonnell’s interview in The New European has been digested by the masses we’re expecting a bloody unicorn splashing about endangering shipping any minute. I’ve got to go.”

We will tell your children you love them. Stay strong. Our lives are in your hands and on your spoon.

No Deal Brexit Guide : Using canned food as a weapon in self defence situations

Chuck Norris, MP for Hard, has thrown himself bodily into the debate over what the United Kingdom will look like after Brexit today, to everyone’s delight.

“It won’t be the United Kingdom anymore for starters,” Mr Norris said, “You can see it unravelling already, if you’re paying attention. I anticipate by 2025 the United Kingdom (formerly known as by then) will have devolved back to about the Anglo-Saxon era of warring kingdom. That will rock. I’m going to be a king in real life as well as the cinematic imagination.”

Mr Norris went on to say that he believed he needed to get involved in the debate because he could help people to prepare themselves for future conditions.

“There won’t be a lot of fresh food about, that’s a given. But there will be a lot of tinned food hidden away in homes. This is perfect for the cunning and agile and wantonly violent, when required.”

Mr Norris explains his thinking more fully in the latest update to the bestseller ‘Post Brexit Survival Guide : How to thrive in a Mad Max dystopian landscape”.

“You can use tinned goods as weapons,” He explains, “They aren’t just for eating, that is the last resort if you’re hunting party returns empty handed for several days.”

He says the best way to use a tin of baked bins initially is to listen for approaching strangers,

“Wait concealed around a corner. When they turn the corner, KAPOW!, sock it to them in the throat with a tin of tomato soup and you can take whatever they are holding. If you have twine you can tie their wrists while they are unconscious and you have a field worker for your desperate attempts to grow maize.”

And that’s not all.

“If the harvest is bad you can repeatedly beat the person you dislike the most in your community to death with only one tin, using the methods illustrated in this guide. The whole community can sacrifice them ritually in this way on the Aztec style altar you will have built by then with stone scavenged from the burnt out shell of Westminster. To be honest, I can’t wait. It’s making me a little hard, I don’t mind tell you. And I’m hard enough already.”

Mr Norris does ad one note of caution however.

“Stock up on can openers now. You need to be prepared. There won’t be any manufacturing to speak of after Brexit, so go to the shops right now and buy about five hundred. You can capture more from weaker people as you go. Good luck and good eating.”

Gettin down with the youth, tell it as it is : An exhaustive study of modern youth culture

“Well your name came of out of the hat, I P, so it’s your task. You are now the youth culture correspondent,” said the LCD Views’ Editor.

“Monumental Searchlight is on a fact finding tour to Uranus. Rosie Searchlight is hunting butterflies and Moonlight Searchlight has gone missing. So it’s your baby.”

“Well, I know a Tarquin at the rugby club. I could speak to him.”

“No! I mean youth culture from the street!” replied the Editor.

“You mean…….!”

“Yes, go to an inner city skatepark! LCD Views has to know what the kids are saying and thinking,” the Editor retorted. Get the clothes, the cap, learn the language and report back.”

I’d give anything for that butterfly story right now, I thought.

Through a friend of a friend of a friend I find Henry, the coolest skate dude in the park. We agree to meet. I park the Prius several streets away, lock it and screw in a few more wheel nuts for luck.

There’s a guy chipping away at new Banksy mural painted up on the side wall. Small crowd of art correspondents chattering to each other and to no one else.

I look around, I check the bowl. I hear grinding behind me. “Yo neat olly,” I said, trying to sound convincing. “So, wots happin’?”

“Skunking man, you that guy that called me? Mate your caps on all wrong. F*ckin no idea bro.”

“Oh, thanks bro…..” God I’m hating this right now. I’m well out of my depth, I thought. “So, wot you think of Stormzy?” I ask.

“F*ckin good man, says it as it is,” says Henry to a backbeat of artificial percussion. “Raps like a demon, speakin’ for da streets. Shit work, zero hours, high rents, fast food chain rippin’ me off cos I didn’t turn up one evening for their shit wage. F*ck man, they only gave me half hour notice.”

“I guess you didn’t go to Uni then?” I ventured.

“Mate, they said my art was bangin’, they liked the art on my skate…but then they said I had to pay to learn. F*ck that, I found a better way.”

“How so?” I ask.

“See that Banksy over there. Well that dude never leaves Bristol. But, he and I have a kinda understandin’. Know wot I mean? Dont you tell no f*cker, I have an eye on your wheels.”

“Bro, your secret is safe with me,” I assured him.

We do a complicated handshake, I’m slightly off the pace. “I never realised you were a freemason!” I said. Henry looked at me strangely and sloped off. “Can I call you again bro?” He wings his hand (thumb out, little finger out mid three folded).

“That’s a good sign…….right?” I ask. Cool….. I live for another day.

Trump calls for teachers to be armed with anything other than books

President Donald Trump has responded swiftly and decisively to the latest mass shooting at an American school by proposing to arm teachers, with anything other than books.

“Assault rifles may not be enough,” President Trump said, “this crazy, crazy POTUS get crazier every day. I don’t know who his paymaster is, I honestly don’t. You tell me. Hi! Hi. Thanks for coming. This is the biggest crowd for any presidential response to a school massacre.”

It’s believed he will push for compulsory training in SWAT tactics for school teachers and handling of rapid fire weapons in active shooter situations.

“I think we’ll have to step it up to machine guns nests instead of desks for teachers. I honestly do. We’ve got to keep our children safe. We’ve got to do anything that will make more money for the NRA and keep our children safe.”

Proposals to hold gym classes inside armoured personnel carriers were also being considered.

“We really do have the best gun technology. Better than Obama had. Bigger than Hilary. You know I heard she only carries a .38. What a pussy. Truly terrible. Un Un Un American folks.”

A suggestion that it would be better to ban military grade weapons and arm teachers with even more books were met with scorn by the paternal POTUS.

“A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, don’t you know that? I know that. It’s about all I know. I’m going to ban books. All books. Just until we can work out what the hell is going on. Teachers need to arm their students against my stupidity. They really do. I’m telling you.”

We asked a 16 year old what she felt about the President’s response and that of his supporters,

“It makes me feel totally nurtured. To know that the older generations, the ones I look up to in order to feel safe and cherished, taken as a group they’d rather encourage the pseudo-religious worship of guns than do the one thing needed to make it less likely I get gunned down in math.

No other country on earth has been able to stop school massacres. The UK and Australia, sure, they pretty much stopped massacres by deciding in a wave of revulsion and care for their children to give up certain weapons, but that doesn’t stop knife attacks or terrorism, so why do the one thing you need to do to save the life of a child who you don’t know?

How selfish are they. That child may grow up to want to shoot up on the weekends to feel less inadequate.

It’s important that people who imbibed the creation myth of America with their mother’s milk get to keep having fun with guns so we can keep dying by the dozen while learning.

The 2nd amendment foresaw this situation and they went ahead and ratified it. They knew one day big truck driving American men would have to defend their homes against cruise missiles with assault grade weapons bought at department stores.

It really sends a message to all kids about our parent’s priorities.”

It’s understood Drumpf is also considered introducing an armed curfew on anyone under twenty in case they decide to march on his Washington or vote.

“It might be safer to ban attending school,” Trump mused, “make every child study at home like I did. I’m self taught. A lot of people don’t know that. Knowledge is power and believe you me that’s the one thing I don’t want the American people to have.”

Disciplinary panel finds Ben Bradley over qualified to be a Tory MP

An independent parliamentary disciplinary panel has found Ben Bradley MP for Idiocy, over qualified to be a Tory MP.

”He should probably phone Elon Musk up and tell him straight ‘I Ben Bradley, I am a visionary and you Mr Musk, you need me’,” panel chair, Mr Common Antique said.

”If Musk is too afraid of the competition he should next call Donald Trump and say to him straight, ‘I Ben Bradley, I am a legal genius and you Mr POTUS, you need me.”

The advice has been lent added weight by the Royal Society of Marine Floaters, who added unexpectedly,

”We know about pools. We know about ponds. We know about rivers and streams and palm fronds. Ben Bradley MP is too big for this pond. He should seek fame and fortune where he can spread his wings and quack.”

The flood of unsolicited advice comes after Ben Bradley MP for Idiocy libelled alleged, infamous soviet era spy Jesus Christ (has risen and will slowly float back down again if he doesn’t stop fudgeberging Brexit) on social media.

”I’m going to fight this all the way to deselection,” Ben told LCD’s legal whiz, “I’m going to raise a local militia to defend democracy. Hang on, let me tweet that.”

Ben tweeted, deleted and then explained,

”I was just following orders anyway, why pick on me? They must think I’m disposable? I’m not come coffee cup.

Well I’m here to tell them today that I, Ben Bradley MP, I am not going away. After all, they may need to use me as a dead cat on the table some other day.”

Using canned food as a weapon in self defence situations

Chuck Norris, MP for Hard, has thrown himself bodily into the debate over what the United Kingdom will look like after Brexit today, to everyone’s delight.

“It won’t be the United Kingdom anymore for starters,” Mr Norris said, “You can see it unravelling already, if you’re paying attention. I anticipate by 2025 the United Kingdom (formerly known as by then) will have devolved back to about the Anglo-Saxon era of warring kingdom. That will rock. I’m going to be a king in real life as well as the cinematic imagination.”

Mr Norris went on to say that he believed he needed to get involved in the debate because he could help people to prepare themselves for future conditions.

“There won’t be a lot of fresh food about, that’s a given. But there will be a lot of tinned food hidden away in homes. This is perfect for the cunning and agile and wantonly violent, when required.”

Mr Norris explains his thinking more fully in the latest update to the bestseller ‘Post Brexit Survival Guide : How to thrive in a Mad Max dystopian landscape”.

“You can use tinned goods as weapons,” He explains, “They aren’t just for eating, that is the last resort if you’re hunting party returns empty handed for several days.”

He says the best way to use a tin of baked bins initially is to listen for approaching strangers,

“Wait concealed around a corner. When they turn the corner, KAPOW!, sock it to them in the throat with a tin of tomato soup and you can take whatever they are holding. If you have twine you can tie their wrists while they are unconscious and you have a field worker for your desperate attempts to grow maize.”

And that’s not all.

“If the harvest is bad you can repeatedly beat the person you dislike the most in your community to death with only one tin, using the methods illustrated in this guide. The whole community can sacrifice them ritually in this way on the Aztec style altar you will have built by then with stone scavenged from the burnt out shell of Westminster. To be honest, I can’t wait. It’s making me a little hard, I don’t mind tell you. And I’m hard enough already.”

Mr Norris does ad one note of caution however.

“Stock up on can openers now. You need to be prepared. There won’t be any manufacturing to speak of after Brexit, so go to the shops right now and buy about five hundred. You can capture more from weaker people as you go. Good luck and good eating.”

Vultures reintroduced back into the wild as breeding pair of Paul Dacres released

Environmentalists are going bugshit with fury today at the amazing news that vultures have been reintroduced into the British countryside after a breeding pair of Paul Dacres were released.

The release of the pair took place in the Forest of Dean at midnight, after the saying of spells and the reading of omens.

“The first omens were bad,” Dr Dayley Fail told LCD’s environmental correspondent, Green Searchlight, “we kept killing chickens and spreading the entrails out on a cursed stone and they swirled into a swastika over and over. And not the good swastika, but the bad one, the clockwise one.”

Undeterred the team behind the project kept going.

“We just kept slaughtering different animals until we got the right amount of gore and guts slathered across the stone so it couldn’t swirl anymore. The Paul Dacres were going nuts trying to get to the stone.”

But why are environmentalists upset?

“Oh, you know what these cereal crunching, libtard, snowflake, democracy despising greenies are like. They’re banging on that the vultures aren’t native to the British landscape and will only reek and wreak havoc on the few wild animals we haven’t already killed off over the centuries.

But we have it on good authority, from an article in the Daily Mail printed in the early 1930’s that the vultures will thrive in the right conditions. They can’t stop us. If they do we will get about 1,000,000 spam bots onto them and sort them right out. Enemies of the people.”

So that’s good news.

It’s hoped the vultures will begin breeding this spring after raiding graveyards for newly buried skeletons. They build their nests from the bones and then shit on everything nearby to mark their territory.

“We only hope the fake news storymongers, Stop Funding Hate, don’t succeed in convincing our sponsors to withdraw funding until the vultures have succeeded in their task of turning the British countryside into a playground for tax dodgers.”

 

Economists for Brexit report advises U.K. shoot bird in its hand and set fire to its bush

A report released today by the visionary group known as Economists for Brexit advises the U.K. to shoot the bird in its hand and set fire to its bush.

”It’s vitally important the bird is shot while still in the hand, to get maximum benefit from hard Brexit,” Professor Mingeford (rumoured to have purchased his degree online) said, and then shivered.

“After we have shot the bird IN OUR HAND (more shivering) we will stuff its  shattered carcass into the hole we’ve shot through our palm. It will be important to use a large calibre gun, possibly even a small canon.”

The findings are revealed today in their latest report. To write it they got even higher than usual and strapped themselves into a chair, Clockwork Orange style.

”We watched so many tapes of exploding British made munitions I almost overdosed,” Mingeford continues, “and then the music, the music, the beautiful music of starving villagers wailing. Jesus wept. You have to take a hit from this misery bong.”

As to what to do after the United Kingdom has shot the bird in its hand?

”Well, with any luck, if we aim right and no traitor judges, journalists, elected representatives or young people get in the way of the bullet, we will have also shot oursevles clean through the foot.”

This sounds fantastic!

”Then we turn our attention to the bush with two birds in it.”

What do we do then?

”Douse it in gasoline and tory, tory torch it. Stand back laughing, watching our bush burn, get on the highway and head north.”

So this will flush the birds out?

”Who cares? Who really fffing cares? We just want to watch the world burn.”

LCD Views would like to say how thrilled we are that a group known for rubbishing forecasts it doesn’t like has produced a forecast of magic thinking we can all get behind.

”Are the lambs still screaming Clarice?” Mingeford wants to know, “or do we have to get our hands on a nice new flock and get our hands wet?”