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Many ways to skin a cat – Yellowhammer plan for post Brexit food and clothing sees the fur flying

GRAB THE TIGER BY THE TAIL AND PULL IT OFF : RECENT REPORTS SUGGEST the general public maybe coming to perceive their government as an exercise in never ending SNAFU that couldn’t care less how many perish for Brexit?

LCD Views are here to say that is not the case.

There has apparently been an attempt made to calculate the death rate resulting from No Deal Brexit. An attempt has been made to calculate? The potential lethal impact of a purely voluntary political choice? Surely this shows concern at the highest levels of government.

Furthermore, even with disruption to supply chains, it doesn’t mean Global Britons will go without.

Do not panic.

“There maybe localised food shortages,” a Downing Street ‘source’ said today, responding to the flutters of worry, “they will be worse in areas with lower than average feline ownership. But anywhere that has lots of pets will be just fine.”

These can’t be many areas? All over Blighty Britons love cats, dogs, parrots and small mammals in general.

“We will though be issuing guidance, in line with Yellowhammer planning, that teaches patriots how to skin a cat. There are apparently many ways. Good traditional British ingenuity will see us ride over the bumps in the road after we crash out of over 700 international agreements at the stroke of a clock.”

Quite how you skin a cat is a question that is rarely asked in modern Britain. We presume you have to choose between skinning your own or a neighbour’s first?

“We could even have entire sectors of the economy dedicated to reviving not only cat fur, but any mammal you care to name that is currently indulged as a layabout. And pet snakes too. Britons will need shoes and belts after Brexit. Some things will never change.”

Don’t worry, if the geniuses behind Brexit believe they can get away with lying to the Queen, what plans do their powerful imaginations have for your pets? With any luck, we’ll never find out.

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‪Government bows to pressure to release Brexit benefits planning document‬ – UNREDACTED

BROKENSPAMMER – 10 Downing Street has given ground again today on another of the multiple fronts it is fighting on. And this without a shot being fired.

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views a 10 Downing Street ‘source’ said that they would be releasing the Brexit benefits planning document and it would be completely unredacted.

“We’ve decided to give in and release the hefty tome before a Commons vote forces us to do so,” the source said, “it’s an attempt to get ahead of the game. We’re currently behind in the game 6-0, but probably about £350m – 0 if you consider the prime minister is believed to have lied to the Queen.”

But Tory MPs have been quick to quibble over the concession.

Human driftwood, Andrew Bridgen, MP for Whatthehell-were-youthinking-electingthis-plank on Wye, blasted his own executive’s decision.

“I didn’t die on the beaches of Hastings in 1066 just for the government to give in to political pressure from judges,” he frothed, “and besides, waiting for a Brexit benefit to appear is like Waiting for Godot, it’s half the fun of Brexit. The other half is currency speculation, so I hear.”

The government dismissed the internal critique though, going so far as to suggest that Mr Bridgen was a ‘fifth columnist’ planted by remoaners to ruin Brexit.

“For a start I don’t believe he really said it,” the source retorted, “he referenced Waiting for Godot correctly. That in itself suggests it was an impersonator. But secondly, like all Brexiters he didn’t fight in the Battle of Hastings in 1066, he was in the archery squad at Agincourt.”

Your copy of Brokenspammer, the Brexit Benefits planning document, will be mailed at great public expense shortly. Wait by the mail slot.

“It’ll land on the doorstep. It’s too fat a document to get through a mail slot,” the source added, “and the paper is edible too. Which is another Brexit benefit.”

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Boris Johnson confirms no plan to build a bridge from wherever he is to the truth

IF YOU BUILD IT HE STILL WON’T COME : FAMOUS PLANNER OF HEAVY INFRASTRUCTURE, Boris deCollapsil Johnson, has confirmed there is one project he has no intention of planning anytime soon.

Speaking directly to a captive audience of lobotomy subjects and bot factory social media accounts, the outgoing prime minister of the United Kingdom said he did want to construct something in his memory.

“But it won’t be a bridge to the truth,” he confirmed, before smirking, shrugging, ruffling his hair and pretending to do something with a tablet, “for a start I’d have to find out where I’m starting from. My guess is it is a long way from that particular destination. Raab is onto it, he’s going to work out where we are. But I wouldn’t hold your breath. The last time he looked at the compass he got brain freeze and stomped about with his hand pressed to his eye for several minutes.”

The assertion is a change for Mr Johnson though, long known as someone who is keen to pick up projects begun by other people and then claim the credit for the effort.

But just because the famous builder isn’t planning to lay the foundation stones for what would be the longest bridge ever constructed in the history of humankind, doesn’t mean that it won’t get built.

“The public inquiries into this sorry Brexit fiasco will make short work of the long distance build,” our Truth Will Out correspondent said, “the first step is to get the Brexiters out of power. After that we can start to hold them to account. The architects of this calamity will be called. Some of them may even be indicted. Some may even end up in prison. Who can say? I guess some will go into exile first. But the bridge will get built. And it will get built by the will of the people. If it doesn’t we’re all stuffed.”

And it’s certain, when the time comes, that one of the chief architects of the humiliating and shameful catastrophe engulfing the UK, will be asked to cut the ribbon.

“We may have to drag him out of whatever hole in the ground he’s hiding in at the time,” our correspondent adds, “or stop him playing dead in a ditch. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

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Caring Conservatives : No Deal plan to replace insulin with duty free cigarettes applauded

UP IN SMOKE : The government is finally getting some much needed praise today after its No Deal planning detailed contingencies for medical shortages.

Alarm had been raised in remoaning print media about the difficulties people with potentially life threatening conditions may face in the event of a No Deal Brexit, but HMG has not allayed all concerns.

Under the plan diabetics will be encouraged to fill their car trunks up with duty free cigarettes, as Brexit provides the long awaited opportunity to bring back a traditional British past time. This being things are so bloody expensive at home, it’s either find an off licence which deals under the counter in black market produce, or dash across the channel for the day and take your pick of a number of exciting opportunities.

People worried about radioactive isotopes needn’t concern themselves with pushing for an end to Brexit either.

“The nations politics are already ground zero,” a leave supporting, struck off Doctor advises, “so just fill your veins with publicly paid for government propaganda and relax. Failing that, pop over to France and buy endless litres of duty free plonk. It couldn’t be simpler.”

But critics have been quick to point out that previous administrations have spent years attempting harm reduction as regards addictive substances, and this is potentially a step backwards?

“That’s just traitor speak. The work of fifth columnists,” the struck off, awaiting prosecution Doctor dismissed the criticisms, “you’re hardly going to be worried about developing liver failure or COPD when you’re filling in the fields of Jacob’s estates now, are you? In fact, in Brexitannia all ways to shorten your life expectancy are to be welcomed.”

But there are still one or two persistent critics. Certain loudmouths saying that if a voluntary change in government policy will potentially lead to unnecessary deaths, then that policy should not be pursued. Even going so far as to accuse the MPs involved of gross negligence.

“This just shows a need to update the duties of MPs,” the malpractice suit said, “update it for Brexit. The only thing that matters is hedge funds and currency speculators getting a pay off. That’s now an MP’s most important focus. Here, have a Marlboro.”

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Yellowhammer map for post No Deal UK shows Scotland, Wales and NI redacted

WHY DO THEY EVEN NEED A HAMMER OF ANY COLOUR : The government (using that term loosely) of the United Kingdom has given out another of the missing pages from its No Deal Brexit plan.

“It’s actually a map,” our Disasters Without Relief correspondent advises, “a before and after No Deal of the United Kingdom. Although to be exact, there is no United Kingdom in the after.”

What there is for the after is England with Wales. Scotland and Northern Ireland redacted.

“Those nations will still exist, just they’ll be invisible to Westminster,” our correspondent continues, “which actually is already the situation under these disaster capitalist Tories. So in many ways, it’s a map of continuity.”

But critics of the Yellowhammer document say the map isn’t detailed enough.

“Some commentators are complaining that Cornwall hasn’t been redacted. And neither has Yorkshire, Devon, Somerset, well, everywhere but Nigel Farage’s stronghold of Kent.”

So you’re saying the United Kingdom, in the event of No Deal, will just be Kent?

“And probably not all of that. Although you can expect some sort of federation of bits of Kent, along with pieces of Essex and Surrey.”

Presumably voters in those regions may have something to say about that! Your comments are highly contentious.

“It’s not my fault, the people had a vote. They’re not allowed another. It would endanger democracy.”

But it’s not all bad news. The reduction of three of the four nations of the UK means boom times for cartographers.

“There are still missing details though,” our correspondent adds, “even with the reluctant release of the map. As it’s not listed who gets to be King of Kent in this scenario. Will it be Boris or Nigel or will they agree to share power?”

Let’s hope we never find out.

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The government doesn’t choose which votes to observe, says government ignoring parliamentary vote

The government is refusing to publish internal No 10 communications, even though parliament voted for it. This is a government which, according to its wisest advisors, does not choose which votes to respect.

“Votes we don’t like don’t count,” explained the government’s cleverest member, James ‘Notso’ Cleverly. “Also, votes by ignorant members of the public are far more important than votes by knowledgeable and frankly annoying members of parliament.”

The brainee member for Braintree believes he is responsible for saying ‘governments don’t choose which votes to respect’. That thought was presumably planted there by Dominic ‘Short’ Cummings, the true source of the quote. The mind games he plays with the Brain of Braintree are just the warm-up to the main act on the bill, Michael Gove.

“We were given a clear instruction by a tiny majority in a rigged referendum,” dribbled Gove. “This means we won, you lost, get over it, suck it up like my drool, and also that anti-Brexit votes and opinions simply don’t count any more. The government is quite within its rights to override parliamentary sovereignty. It’s what we voted for!”

Thank you for clearing that up for us, Michael.

To be fair, the Yellowhammer document has been released, although one section has been blacked out.

“Nobody wants to frighten the plebs at this stage,” wibbled Gove. “That would destroy our position. Can you imagine, telling the great unwashed the truth about Brexit? We can’t be honest with the public in case they finally realise that we have fucked up their lives and their country on purpose.”

The whole system of government is overdue for reform, with an independent watchdog to scrutinise the work of MPs. You could almost hear the sweat breaking out on Cummings’ oversized forehead at the very suggestion, as he sent out another puppet to deny it.

“Westminster is self-regulating!” panted the puppet desperately, vein pulsing in his temple. “Parliament answers to the government, which answers to the PM, who answers to Mr Cummings, who answers to nobody. It’s fine as it is!”

Can’t see a problem there.

Dominic Cummings, the man who put the ‘dick’ into ‘dictator’.

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Boris Johnson expected to deny ever proroguing parliament

ASAP : 10 Downing Street, that hothouse of strategic geniuses, is expected to respond to the Scottish High Courts ruling that Boris and Jacob bullshitted the actual Queen into proroguing Parliament with a steamy bloom of denial.

“What me, worry?” Mr Johnson is reported to be planning to tell a packed House of Commons, “I never prorogued Parliament. I deny it. It was Jacob’s idea anyway. Did I go and see Her Majesty and ask for it?”

The line of defence, based on having plausible deniability, is presumed to come from Dominic ‘Short’ Cummings. A man chosen by Boris Johnson to do the hard work of thinking for him, so Boris can carry on being Boris. And we have to pause and wonder, how well is that working out for them?

But should the House of Commons, and indeed the Queen, not buy the denial, Boris has another trick up his sleeve.

“He’s going to go into hiding,” a Downing Street source rumoured, “just until it all blows over. Like he did in the Tory leadership campaign. Boris knows what a thwarted woman is like. He should, he’s thwarted a fair few. Hide is the best policy. Wait until they calm down before going back over with ruffled hair, a grin and some half remembered classical quote. He’ll be all right. You wait and see.”

To many sober spectators this latest plot twist in the Boris show is no surprise. Brexit was always going to embroil the Queen in its never ending farce.

How the Queen will react isn’t yet clear, except perhaps for some wistful feeling of wanting some of the more brute powers of her distant ancestors faced with high profile idiots.

At least Boris Johnson’s media backers have somewhere to turn, a safe harbour in the latest storm, they can just print a big smiling Boris re-opening parliament, once he bends to the avalanche of political will, and caption it,

“Bouncing Baby Boris Bounces Back, Recalls MPs saying. Get back to work! You Berks!” As if not being at work had nothing at all to do with Boris. Who was after all, just being Boris.

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Cheer up, however Brexit turns out Boris Johnson is completely stuffed

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS BAD PR : Scientists working at the University of Sanity have identified the first actual Brexit dividend today.

“We took a look at the trajectory of the boy who wanted to be World King,” lead scientist, Professor Blue Sky, told LCD Views, “for decades this individual has just risen, and not by noble means, but now he’s plateaued and soon he will start rapidly descending.”

The reason for the rapidly approaching, rapid descent appears to be the wrong choice as a newspaper columnist back in 2016.

“He’s a gambler. Do or die. His calculations, however cynical, have always paid off before. Then he rolled the big dice and it turned out like the plot to ‘The Producers’. He won, but in reality he needed to lose to win. So now he’s stuffed. Although he’s been on the run from the result ever since.”

And it seems the professor is onto something. Given that the World King is now attempting to rule over Brexitannia, a notoriously unstable and treacherous region.

“If he actually delivers Brexit he is stuffed, because any kind of Brexit will be negative. It’s just a question of degree. So there is no win there. Especially as half, and more likely significantly more, of the population can’t be propagandised into acceptance of his plan. In fact, the daily mass spend on social media is just entrenching them further.”

That’s no way to pull off a hard right revolution in governance. It sounds more like a botched coup…

“But, if he doesn’t deliver Brexit he is equally stuffed. So many ill intentioned, moneyed interests are looking for it to be a success, on their terms. Not delivering is not an option. It’s a classic no win. And to think he arrived at this point voluntarily through an excess of ill judged self-belief and entitlement? What a muppet.”

LCD Views would like to thank the professor, and his team at Sanity, for their findings.

David Cameron realised what he’d done, that there was no win, and bravely ran away.

Theresa May then took up the baton of horseshit, somehow believing that she’d make a success of it, and failed, ground up by reality into a mince as pure as that inside David Davis’ head.

Now Boris Johnson has scooped up the blood and scat smeared baton from May and is failing even faster.

It can only end one way, for the World King, for the country there is a choice to be made. It’s damage limitation time. The sooner we dethrone Brexit and limit the harm Brexit is doing, the shorter the recovery…

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UN recognises UK as a Propagandocracy – just daily propaganda, no actual government

DON’T BLAME IT ON THE SUNSHINE, DON’T BLAME IT ON THE MOONLIGHT : Celebrations are being planned for the length and breadth of The Mall today after the UN trademarked the UK’s new system of government.

Speaking from the headquarters in New York, special rapporteur for troubled countries, Mr Wot LeFuk, told reporters of the change in status.

“It’s clear since Brexit became official government policy that the dis-uniting, United Kingdom has been on a trajectory away from democracy,” he said, “think of it as if our Sun was democracy and the Earth was the UK. Yeah, you’re now somewhere out back of Pluto sunshine, and moving away steadily.”

A full definition of Propagandocracy is included below :

Propagandocracy was of course trialled last century, most especially in the late 1920’s, through the 1930’s and into the early 1940’s.

“It was tested to destruction the first time around,” the UN official said with a shrug, “but certain countries appear to think that a mass daily spend on social media by the government, in place of actually running a country in the interests of the citizenry, will see it successfully implemented this time around.”

LCD Views would like to thank the United Nations for recognising the efforts taken by the current government in England to make a go of a new way of living. We trust that before too long being a Propagandocracy will be reversed and we can regain our former international reputation.

“It won’t happen quickly,” the UN man added, “the regaining of reputation. I’d suggest you start today. Before you are just Donald Trump’s bargain basement pound shop.”

Poundshopocracy? Let’s not go there too.

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Labour to campaign in GE for ref with “credible” leave option because a clear Brexit policy risks being in government

IN OUT SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT : Labour have taken a bold step forwards and then to the side, and then back to where they started today by deciding on a new Brexit policy that can be easily misrepresented across social media and by the government.

“We’re going to campaign for a referendum with a credible leave option in a general election, get office and then renegotiate Brexit with the EU before putting it back to the people and campaigning against it,” a Labour ‘source’ said, “anything else risks us actually getting into government.”

The decision to keep on with a Brexit position that attempts to appeal to the many and pleases few is clever indeed.

“It’s based on the assumption that no one is fed to the back teeth yet with Brexit and the many want many more years of it, before even getting a deal. I’m sure it will focus group well. So far of course we’ve only focused grouped Len McClusky, but he seems happy. It’s best also to decide our policy ahead of party conference, as that’s more democratic.”

The EU also will be certain to want to renegotiate the Brexit deal they offered to Theresa May, especially if Jeremy Corbyn is doing it.

“Just because Labour’s current Brexit red lines are completely nonsensical from a negotiating standpoint, such as being in a kind of customs union but not really, and also committed to leaving the single market, doesn’t mean the EU won’t want to sit around a table for more years talking about it. Because Jeremy Corbyn will be doing it.”

But critics of the great fence sit in have suggested that a multi-step policy just leaves Labour open to being torn to shreds in a general election.

“The Brexit party will grab a lot of their leavers in a GE,” a critic of the Labour policy said, “the Greens and Liberal Democrats, Plaid, Alliance and SNP will grab their centre, left of centre and fed up pro-EU, probably could have voted for Labour, but not with this policy, just right of centre Tory swingers, so it’s very difficult to see how Labour gets enough seats to form a government? In fact this fence policy potentially opens the door to another Tory government.”

But the Labour source hit back and said,

“F off and vote Tory then. Oh wait. That’s no longer our social media policy as for some reason it’s backfired. Look, we don’t want to be in government until the government has delivered us Brexit, which we’ll magically turn into Lexit, once the masses rise up and lift us into government. It’s all incredibly clever. Just you wait and see. Cummings isn’t the only master of four dimensional chess. We can play it too.”