David Cameron’s only sin was seeking to make the world a better place for himself

If there’s a moral to the David Cameron/Lex Greensill saga it is that the “Woke” don’t want you to help friends in need. In spite of their fatuous protestations to the contrary.

Hardly a day goes by without some earnest snowflake handwringing about the fate of people who really just need to work harder. As hard as David Cameron.

“Narcissus does not fall in love with his reflection because it is beautiful, but because it is his. If it were his beauty that enthralled him, he would be set free in a few years by its fading” – W.H. Auden.

As we can see by the words of W.H. Auden David Cameron is not in love with David Cameron, but the prospect of greater wealth he sees when he gazes into the pond.

Who would resent him more money? And if that additional wealth comes by way of altruistic service to a needy friend, surely none but the hypocritical would resent such an outcome.

Indeed.

Can a man not build on the fortune his spermatozoon rightfully claimed when it won life’s greatest race of all? To strive that great length in a crowded field, full of sharp elbows and the occasional double-headed failure, to plunge headfirst into the egg of success only to receive no trophy?

That would be a disservice to the ambitions of all. Both the lazy, lowborn and the great and driven such as ex-Prime Minister David Cameron.

One can only wonder at what a pass our great country has come to when Mr Cameron can not phone a friend to help a friend. It is likely that it won’t be too long before a public inquiry is held to vindicate the charitable drives of Mr Cameron.

Restitution of reputation and a reward of hundreds of millions of taxpayers’ money must surely follow. It is in everyone’s interests if this is so. For once the coffers of David Cameron and friends are full to the brim, the overflow will trickle down onto the idle. Who can then spend their good fortune at Greggs.

“The perceived corruption problem would vanish if people didn’t know about it” – Tory cabinet

HANDS EYES MOUTH : The Tory cabinet is surprisingly beleaguered at the moment by a perception of corruption and something must be done about it.

“Not any corruption clearly, but the suspicion of it. The smell. Can you smell it? Talk about a great stink. It reeks to high heaven when we meet. Pooey!” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. They were smirking and waving their hands to waft away a decidedly foul aroma as they did.

The action to be taken appears to be a smart move too. They’re going to find out how all the stories of ministers, and those close to them are receiving gifts of lucrative pandemic related contracts without tender, keep hitting the press.

It’s not any corruption that is the problem it’s the fact people are finding out about it. Make sure to frame the story properly.

“If we can find the source of the stories than we can pay them off, or threaten them. Bully maybe a better world. We’ve got the right people to do it,” the source explained further.

“You don’t spend years getting elected to serve your best interests in some rotten borough where a potato with a blue rosette could do it, just to stay poor. What’s the point of public service?”

Indeed.

They better act swiftly though as the stories are becoming a deluge. Everyone appears to be in on it.

“We sit in the mother of parliaments. There’s a reputation to defend,” the source added. “Even if the reality these days is like a hidden portrait in an attic. Have you seen Dave’s portrait? Holy hell!”

The drive to gag the source of the cronyism stories has been nicknamed “The Three Wise Monkeys”.

“As long as no one hears, sees or says anything than we can properly milk this pandemic. Which is just the way a modern Conservative government comprised of disaster capitalists likes it.”

Tory sleaze, it’s easy if you have the right contacts. They lead to contracts.

“You know what they say, make hay while the plane loads of mutant variants fly in. Oh and blame the last Labour government. Ha!”

Matt Hancock said he only accepted shares in his sister’s company to test his eyesight

HALL OF FAME : Matt Hancock is a man who knows how to take care of himself, his friends and his family. There’s no crime in that.

Happily some sections of the media are willing to bring Matt’s altruism to public attention, or we may not have found out just how generous is his spirit.

“It’s not a conflict of interests if you care deeply about the people you’re awarded contracts to without tender,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The only sin the Health Secretary has committed is being found out. He would like to project a tough, no nonsense approach, but clearly he wears his heart on his sleeve.”

The overly sentimental streak may indeed be a strong family trait, judging by the shareholders of the family company Matt has been awarding valuable public money to.

“Obviously some have seized the wrong end of the stick and cry that a public servant should not profit off the decisions he makes while discharging the responsibilities of his office. But that’s just discriminatory. It would be punishing Matt for serving the public if he had to exclude himself and his family.”

Weirdly though certain sections of the public, and even some opposition MPs aren’t convinced all is above board.

“We’ll change the rules then, to keep them happy and stop all the whining. It’s very distracting. And clearly Matt has the Barnard Castle Defence to fall back on. He only gifted the company he and his family own a government contract to test his eyesight. Dom established that as a principle of Johnson’s government. The public accepted it. It’s valid. Besides, what are you going to do about it?”

Nobody surprised that Matt Hancock’s family drinks in Matt Hancock’s pub

IT’S WHO YOU KNOW, NOT WHAT YOU KNOW: Experts are out, and cronies are in. Revelations that Your Good Health Secretary Matt Hancock awarded NHS contracts to family members who just happened to drink in the same pub have shocked nobody. 

The Cock Inn, the pub in the charming village of Snouts-in-the-Trough, has become a recruiting ground for Hancock. The landlord mysteriously landed a Covid test kit contract. Old Lenny, who has sat in the same seat and told the same tall stories for over 50 years now, has been given his own show on GB News. And the darts team turned out for Manchester United at the weekend. 

This is a case of putting the Hancock into the Cock. 

The Cock Inn WhatsApp group was busy after the latest revelations. Everybody in Snouts-in-the-Trough, it seems, wants a bit of Matt’s benevolence. “I’m a cleaner, I could do money laundering!” posted Henry Hoover the barman. “I’m good with brushes, maybe I could help to sweep the whole affair under the doorMatt,” suggested artist Matt Black. “I’m Matt Hancock, and so is my wife!” was a very popular comment. 

The pub itself is considering a name change, from the Cock Inn to the Hancock Inn. It is now open for socially distanced drinks in the pub car park, but if you give Matt a bell he will bypass covid restrictions for you and give you a cushy job with the government. 

Hancock family members are famously known as shareholders in a prominent NHS outsourcing firm. What is less well known is the composition of the board of directors. The Sales Director is Squeaky, his daughter’s pet mouse, for example,and the Chairman is the family goldfish, Fluffy. 

And accusations of cronyism have been firmly rebutted by the Hancock family. This isn’t cronyism, they claim. It’s nepotism. Get it right! 

Downing Street release recording of MPs laughing all the way to the bank to cheer up voters

MINE GOES UP TO ELEVEN : To celebrate the success of Boris Johnson’s government, Downing Street has released a special recording of MPs’ voices.

The recording is a compilation of MPs emotionally reacting to their time in government and what it means to them.

“It’s an incredibly rich recording, because so many of the MPs began as multi-millionaires or are that wealthy now, due to tireless public service. Clearly one gets rewarded for one’s sacrifices, often to a surprising degree.”

The first people to hear the recording say it is incredibly cheerful as all the MPs featured are laughing.

“No discernible words. Just raucous laughter. They’re all in it together. It’s amazing to hear such happy people who aren’t afraid to let the general public know it.”

But it’s not just the emotions involved, there’s texture to the laugh track, as the MPs are all on a journey to the same destination.

“It’s the bank. They’re all laughing all the way to the bank. If you listen carefully you can hear the waterfall of tax receipts tumbling about MPs in a glorious golden shower. And towards the end of the track a lot of their family members can be heard laughing at the bank too. Which is nice.”

Being an MP in a Boris Johnson government? Nice work if you can get it. Could be nice for your siblings and parents too, if there’s a never ending pandemic.

Matt Hancock’s sister to lead inquiry into Matt Hancock awarding contracts to Matt Hancock’s sister

IT’S A FAMILY BUSINESS : The great unwashed are famous for being jealous of the hard earned success of their betters.

We need look no further than the case of Matt Hancock who has valiantly been building on the sacrifices of those men who died on the beaches. Initially by supporting lying to the Queen so he could be Secretary of State for Health, and latterly by solving the social care crisis.

Well Matt Hancock has had enough, especially now that people have noticed he has a sister who he innocently awarded lucrative contracts too. The company of the receiving end just happened, by total coincidence, to have a large shareholding in the name of Matt Hancock. It’s probably not the same Matt Hancock.

“These accidents happen every day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s like accidentally shagging a Union Flag draped IT tutor who needs hundreds of thousands of pounds to further her completely legitimate business interests. Nothing to see here. Move along please. Don’t ask who helped set up the Conservative Friends of Russia. The public need to let us get on with the business of governing.”

That’s what Matt thinks too. So he’s going to order an inquiry into Matt Hancock awarding contracts to Matt Hancock’s sister who has a company that Matt Hancock just happens to hold shares in. A shredding company no less.

And who will chair the inquiry?

“Why Matt Hancock’s sister of course. She knows everything that’s happened. And she can work closely with Matt, as already proven. If you want to get the right result you need to start on the right foot. Get an expert involved. Get in a family member.”

Then everyone can accept it’s time to move on, again…

Michael Gove ready to “stop hiding” and launch leadership contest to “rid Tory party of corruption”

MISSING IN ACTION : The UK’s greatest living politician, Michael “Rupert” Gove, is rumoured to be readying himself to return to frontline political action.

It’s believed he left the stage some weeks back over growing unease at the levels of public awareness of cronyism in government and wanted to be “the first rat to jump off the ship”. A decision which only increases his worth in the public estimation.

Now it seems after quiet time in contemplation, during which circulating “reports of puppies and kittens being sacrificed on an altar to an ancient kraken” are described as “overblown”, Mr Gove is ready to stage a comeback.

“He’s going for the top. He’s going to cut the head off the snake,” an insider in Hell told LCD Views. “Johnson won’t even have time to shout ET tu Gove! Or appeal to any other extraterrestrial for help.”

It’s believed Mr Gove is assured that the governing 1922 Committee already have the required number of letters expressing no confidence in the shambolic prime minister because “Gove and his wife wrote them themselves”, presumably in blood or some other powerful fluid.

Speculation that is was their own blood is far fetched though as the “paper would have caught fire on contact”.

The appeal to rid the governing party of public awareness is thought to be strong amongst MPs who are “troubled over the sheer size of the cat that David Cameron let out of the bag”.

Re-bagging the public awareness feline is sure to see Gove replace Johnson as “governing in the modern Conservative way requires a lot more discretion than the boozy, blonde, playboy is able to manage.”

It’s not believed Mr Gove plans to hold a snap general election, should he succeed, because that would risk the beginning of the “millennia of terror and suffering on Earth he intends to oversee.”

Stuck in France: my personal nightmare

France has its virtues. It has an agreeable climate. There is an unlimited supply of delicious fresh food and fine wine. There is even the reputation of slightly loose morals, if you are that way inclined. Unfortunately, all the people speak French, so these undoubted pleasures pall after a while, and one is desperate to return to good old Blighty.

Ah, the rain, the chill wind, the endless grey tarmac, the soggy chips and the limp lettuce. Britain, land of heroes. Although far from representing oneself as a hero, one does crave home soil. However, this is impossible right now for me, as I have become trapped in a bureaucratic nightmare so characteristic of the EU.

For I am unable to return home. The French have closed their borders – presumably this is an illegal act, since only a truly independent sovereign nation is able to do this – because of the panic over the Covid-19 virus. This appalling state of affairs is set to continue for some while. This dreadful treatment of a proud British Citizen is an example of how the EU has regarded us all along. This is not intended to become a political diatribe, but my experience demonstrates just how right we were to Leave.

My advisors inform me that the UK is now a 3rd country. This is just ridiculous. The UK is the number one country. Third place belongs to some insignificant, tinpot nation. Ireland, maybe, or Greece, but not the UK.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Once 90 days have passed France will be obliged to deport me. This indignity I will endure in order to return to Glorious Great Britain. In the interim I shall be obliged to endure la vie Françoise and merely dream of concrete, traffic jams, and oafs brawling outside Wetherspoons.

Keep the home fires burning!

Hancock “elated” to discover he’s not only child at “shock reveal” he gave sister’s firm NHS contracts

HANCOCK AND HANCOCK LTD : The UK’s world beating Secretary of State for Health Matt Hancock is said to be “taking his time to come to terms” with his sister over a lucrative NHS contract.

The measured approached is mostly counted in bags of gold, but also due to the shock discovery by Mr Hancock that his latest business partner is his sibling.

“I’m bowled over,” Mr Hancock is reported to have told colleagues. “I wonder who else I’ve been giving multi-million pound pandemic contracts to unaware we’re related?”

The surprising discovery is said to be rapidly healing the deep felt sadness Mr Hancock has always “carried since I was an infant” at the belief he was an only child. Apparently his parents constructed an elaborate maze in the family home which was supposed to entertain their offspring on rainy days, but resulted in none of them ever meeting face to face.

“From time to time I’d hear a girl singing,” Mr Hancock is said to have said. “I just assumed it was a songbird. Now I know it’s my sister. I must have unconsciously given her the contracts unaware I also had substantial holdings in the company involved. It’s amazing what your subconscious gets up to.”

Clearly there is no evidence of wrongdoing in any of this on any level.

“I want the public to have full confidence in the process used to dish out instant wealth during this surprisingly endless crisis,” Mr Hancock is preparing to tell the country. “For this reason I still be appointing my sister to chair an inquiry into our dealings. She’s as stunned as I am.”

Such a revelation will be hard to move on from quickly, but we’re sure an attempt will be made.

Statue of David Cameron commissioned to celebrate his innocence

HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY THE VICTORS: The UK government has moved swiftly to cut off rumours about former Prime Minister David Cameron. It confirmed that a statue will be erected a lasting testament to his integrity and good faith.

There will be an enquiry, of course. The board had been appointed, boxes ticked, appropriate noises been made in Parliament. The commission will consider two questions. Firstly, on which grounds to exonerate Dodgy Dave. Secondly, where to place the statue.

The inner circle will not, of course, reveal any details, at least not on record. Many, however, will spill their guts on condition of strict anonymity. One insider, who gave his name only as “Grace Chrisling”, was particularly voluble, particularly after a pizza delivered by ferry.

“Everyone knows that old Dave is as dodgy as they come,” revealed Chrisling, tucking into thick crust pepperoni with extra mozzarella. “Aren’t we all, it’s such fun! A nod and a wink, quick backhander, few more quid in the bank, Bob’s your uncle. Is there any more of that garlic bread?”

Here’s some with extra cheese. Now, do you know how events will unfold?

“The enquiry will be dragged out for years,” said Chrisling, munching away happily. “Everyone will claim enormous fees, and even bigger lunches, before exonerating Dave.”

On what grounds?

“That Rayner woman once claimed for earbuds on expenses,” gloated Chrisling. “And if she was let off, we must treat Dave the same way! Now, pass the stuffed crust…”

The second question, where will the statue go?

“I don’t know!” spluttered Chrisling through a mouthful of ham and pineapple. “But, between you, me, and the gatepost, he will either replace Churchill, or fill the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square. Then everybody will know that Dave could not have been dodgy, because he has a statue. Stands to reason, at least to the plebs. Pour us another cola!”

Innocent until proven guilty? The result was never in doubt.