Boris Johnson solves backstop problem by selling Ireland to Donald Trump

The bloody backstop. The fudge that got around the Irish border problem and would have permitted Brexit, do or die, without too many Troubles. Well it has to go, and Boris Johnson has produced his own little bit of magical thinking. He will sell the problem, island and all, to Donald Trump.

Oh yes, the sociopathic circus act in the White House has got the hump after Denmark laughed off his clumsy attempt to buy Greenland off them. Johnson is calculating that the fake-tanned fool will buy Ireland on the rebound instead.

“They love Ireland over there!” gibbered Johnson joyfully. “I should know, I was up Donald Trump’s neck of the woods, so to speak, not so long ago, the St Patrick’s Day parades are a spectacle not to be missed, I was at Eton with a lad called Patrick, he was away with the fairies, or should I say leprechauns!”

The spectre of The Troubles, and the insoluble paradox of an open border despite wanting closed borders, has forced Johnson into action. “The Conservative way is to sell your problems,” he claimed. “Loss-making industries? Run them down and flog ‘em. First years getting a bit lippy? Hunt them down and flog ‘em. Paddies getting agitated over a line on a map? I simply can’t be arsed any more, Trump can have ‘em!”

I suppose the money will come in handy, even if it means splitting off part of the United Kingdom. “Oh, no, you miscompostulate!” wibbled Johnson. “Only the EU part of the island is included in the sale. Donald has already promised to build a wall along the border, and make Ulster pay for it!”

We are guessing that he will use Irish labour in the construction. “How did you work that out?” asks Johnson, genuinely surprised. “Do you want a job in my government? You could lead the Department for Exiting The UK!”

Johnson is expected to sell Ireland and lease it back. For £350m a week.

Angela Merkel refuses Boris Johnson’s request for asylum saying he’s already in one

BLIGHTED BLIGHTY : German Chancellor Angela Merkel is believed to have refused British-American-Turkish prime minister Boris Johnson’s request for political asylum.

“It’s a pointless request,” an aide to the long serving, democratically elected (numerous times), European statesperson said, “just like everything Mr Johnson demands. He knows it. It won’t stop him asking if course. We just shake our heads in wonder. We’re waiting for common sense to return to the UK’s politics. Just like most people there I guess.”

The reason for refusing the request does appears to have been multi-layered too.

“He’s made his bed, he has to now lie in it,” the aide added, “also we don’t need the contagion of his politics in our country. We are really very impatient for an end to freedom of movement from the UK, so their so called leaders can’t just pop over to the continent and drive us crazy asking for things we’ve already refused for three years.”

It’s not certain if saying no will work though.

“We expect he’ll just keep asking in a louder voice. Enquiring over our command of the English language will happen too. It’s pretty obvious from what Brexiters say, and what their tabloids print that they bizarrely think we can’t.”

The most serious reason for saying no seems to be just objective reality. Something the British government and its elected representatives don’t seem to deal in, or with, anymore.

“She told him,” the aide finished, “he has no need to come here and ask for asylum when he’s already taken over and running one at home.”

Boris Johnson to beat a BMW with a tree branch while visiting Angela Merkel

MAKE BRITAIN GRATE AGAIN : Boris Johnson is to take the fight to the heart of the EU today when he visits Angela Merkel in Germany to demand things he knows she can’t concede.

“He’s going to garble some German and grin like he’s had a lobotomy, but retained the ability to speak incoherently all the same in Eton.” an aide, travelling with the last PM of Britannia, told LCD Views.

“He’s also going to mention the war. But only once, as that’s as much as we think he can get away with.”

But after the initial pleasantries events are expected to take a dramatic turn as Boris the showman comes forth to startle his buttoned up hosts.

“They’ll be doing a walk about of a BMW showroom for the press,” the aide reveals, “and that’s when Boris will let loose with a tree branch to show he’s serious about devastating Britain with a No Deal Brexit.”

While the performance will certainly do much to underscore the evaluation of British sanity held by the leaders of the EU27, it has already caused a ripple of scandal at home.

“He’s sourced the big stick from the Black Forest,” the aide reveals, “that’s because he wants it to be a surprise. He can’t just travel on the Eurostar with a tree branch and expect to shock the Germans. That would be insane!”

It’s thought the beating of the BMW with the tree branch will serve as a warning to the German automakers too.

“They’re taking their own sweet time before saving us from Brexit,” the aide frowned, “but after they see Boris walking loudly and carrying a big stick, they’ll know exactly what they have to do about the future of their investments in Blighty.”

Danish prime minister gives Greenland to Obama just to wind up Trump

WHAT THE DRUMPF : The Danish Prime Minister, Hands Christian Andersen, has deliberately put himself in the sights of Donald Trump’s twitter rants today after giving Greenland to President Obama.

“It was the only sensible response to President Trump’s cancellation of his planned state visit next month,” the Danish foreign secretary, A A Vikin, told LCD Views during a telephone call that definitely happened.

Donald Trump cancelled the long scheduled trip to embarrass himself in Denmark via Twitter, of course, after the Danish PM said they wouldn’t be willing to sell the raving, orange faced lunatic the big green island.

But as a result of the diplomatic furore there are reports of mass, spontaneous street celebrations occurring in towns and cities across Denmark.

“Also on the Øresund Bridge which joins Denmark and Sweden,” the foreign minister advised, “Swedes are joining us in partying out of relief that Mr Trump will not now make an unscheduled visit fo their land while embarrassing himself in Denmark.”

President Obama has so far remained tight lipped about the sudden expansion in his property portfolio. It is expected thought that he will accept the keys to Greenland in a ceremony next month.

What flag Obama will fly over his new island isn’t yet clear either. But rumours suggest the Danish PM has requested an actual photo of Obama smiling is the obvious choice to base the design on. Just to wind up Trump even more.

There is an American military base on the island. Early reports suggest the men and women stationed in there are taking the day off to breathe a big sigh of relief at the change in their commander in chief.

The reaction from the British foreign office to the spat between two of the UK’s allies has been muted.

“That’s because Dominic Raab is still trying to work out why Greenland is white.”

We must keep the Irish border open, says man wanting to close our borders

Schrödinger’s border? Boris Johnson insists the Irish border must remain open and frictionless. Priti Patel insists our borders must close. Make your minds up, folks!

The man in supposed charge is boxed into his corner, and unable to get out due to the weight of bullshit in his way. He has access to a number of tools – none bigger than Dominic Raab – but refuses to dig himself out of trouble.

Raab, meanwhile, will say anything his big boss Boris wants him to, without anything ever passing through his brain. If you need a man to call a spade a f***ing screwdriver, dum dum Dom’s your man.

Priti “Polly” Patel parrots anything the Leave.EU team wants her to. With the old team reunited in Boris’ back room (and his back door, who knows), it is permissible to say any old crap so long as it is sufficiently Brexity.

Dominic Cummings, the evil genius driving the Johnson government, doesn’t give a shit. He just wants enough controversy to keep the lefties arguing while No Deal Brexit happens under their very noses.

Cummings declared that the border paradox was a matter for the Prime Minister to deal with. He granted LCD Views an interview with Boris at any convenient time, so long as Johnson was unavailable.

Brexit will allow the UK to set its own rules, tariffs, customs arrangements etc.. These will be different to the EU’s (otherwise, what’s the point?), so a hard border is inevitable.

“It’s a tricky one, so it is,” remarked Irish expert Anne Trim. “If we leave, there will be Troubles, if we stay there will be double. There’s always some sort of Clash whenever we hear London calling. Should we stay or should we go? Or just leave us alone, begorrah!”

Johnson wants to eat his cake and have it, but this particular cake was roundly rejected three times. It’s a bit stale now. Why not start all over again?

USUKA : US senator says no need for FTA with UK after Brexit as “We’ll just buy the UK cheap anyway”

PROJECT ASSET STRIPPER : Can assets strip? What do they wear underneath? Is it silky and sheer? Does it cover the rear? Are British assets outwardly prim and repressed, but behind closed doors kinky and rapacious? All these questions and more will be answered after Brexit.

“It’s going to be wonderful. So great. So so big. Really just the biggest. I can smell the fire sale smoke from here, all the way across the Atlantic,” US Senator Mr Durti Deeds III spoke to LCD Views earlier, giving his vision for post Brexit relations across the pond, “it’s already smouldering. All that US money hasn’t been injected into UK politics via ‘think tanks’ and pretend media outlets for nothing.”

Good to know! There’s a plan for us after all.

“I’ll just snuggle you down in my portfolio and wait for your asset value to rise again, after clearing out the deadwood, before selling you on to the Chinese for a profit.”

Reassuring news indeed, with fears the UK will be vulnerable and all alone after Brexit.

“The special relationship is gonna get real special. Especially once the market is allowed to do its Godly work of sorting out all those regulations and all that red tape.”

The words from the senator contrasted with others who were saying there’s not going to be a trade deal if the UK government doesn’t protect peace in NI.

“There won’t be a Northern Ireland after Brexit,” our man shrugged, “there will be an Ireland. It’s plain as day. So this is all virtue signalling to distract from the real business to be done.”

Project Firesale. That’s Brexit. That’s always being Brexit. Take back control of what we never lost control of to lose control of it complete.

Operation Yellowbelly: no plan is better than a bad plan

The new name for No Deal planning is not Operation Yellowhammer, as previously believed. The true name is Operation Yellowbelly.

Yellowbelly reveals that we are looking at three months’ worth of food shortages, fuel shortages and medicine shortages. And this is a conservative estimate, not a Conservative estimate.

Boris Johnson and his acolytes know this, of course, yet still they stick doggedly to their Brexit plan. Except there isn’t a plan, just run down the clock and crash out regardless. Apparently no plan is better than a bad plan.

The People, all of whom definitely voted for this, will suffer. They will starve, be denied essential medication, and be unable to travel to work because the petrol will run out. All so a bunch of very rich people can have another tax break.

Brexiters have given up telling us how great Brexit will be. They have given up saying, it will be tough but we’ll get through it. They have given up saying it must be done to satisfy democracy. It’s do or die. Or, for many of us, do and die.

Doing nothing is the order of the day. No plan means no plan, and big talk and no action is this government’s modus operandi. Let the disaster happen, then blame somebody else and scarper. Let’s just hope nobody notices!

Yellowbelly relies on all the major players being completely chicken. It’s doctrine states that nobody will have the guts to tell it as it is, which is ironic given that so many online Brexit fans claim to do just that. Our goose is cooked, our turkeys can’t wait for Christmas, the fox rules the hen house. What the cluck?

But no plan is what they want. The bigger the crash, the more money our cowardly friends will be able to make from the wreckage. So that’s all right then. Thanks guys.

No coward is better than a bad coward. Who will be brave enough to stop this farce? Answers on a postcard please.

Edvard Munch’s The Scream to become new UK flag after Brexit

What with the continued threat of Scottish independence if Brexit goes ahead, their departure from the UK would mean the Union Jack having to be redesigned. Suggestions have been flooding in, and it would seem that a favourite has already emerged based on the number of entries.

The current preferred choice for the new Union Jack is Edvard Munch’s famous painting The Scream.

If this came to pass, it would make the UK only the second country in the world to have a flag with people on it, the first being Belize.

The famous image was first suggested by one Dee Zeiner, 28, who deigned to be interviewed for this.
“The whole UK is going to be screaming anyway if Brexit happens,” she explained, “so we might as well have a flag that depicts this.”

She has even given the design a name. If her design wins, the new national banner will be known as Flaggy McFlagface. In the current climate, it’s not even sure if the name is a joke or not.

It has been suggested, however, that the picture isn’t of somebody screaming but of someone hearing a scream, as the subjects hands are at his ears.

“Well, if the image isn’t a scream, it could just as easily be interpreted as someone putting their hands over their ears and making a noise to drown out what they’re hearing, which is the Brexiters position in a nutshell.”

Predictably Boris Johnson, who is unbelievably now Prime Minister of the once-great-but-now-coming-apart-at-the-seams UK, scoffed at the thought.

“Brexit won’t change our good old Union Jack, and nor will Scottish independence. We’ll still have the good old red, white and blue to wave at all those foreigners who were stupid enough to be born in other countries.”

And if that’s not the most Boris thing that Boris has ever said, I’d like to know what is.

Entries for the new flag competition must arrive by the end of September. The winner will be announced post-Brexit.

MAGA 2020 : Trump team revise famous campaign slogan to build on his deeds so far

BY HIS DEEDS WILL HE BE KNOWN : Donald Trump’s 2020 campaign for a second term as President of the United States was looking on solid ground today after a leak from camping headquarters revealed some fresh thinking.

“We need to build on the evangelical vote, you know the one, it’s the same as the hypocrisy vote,” an email between campaign strategists, leaked to the media, revealed, “I think we should take advantage of popular culture and lift something from The Handmaid’s Tale. MAGA, Make America Gilead Again.”

The revised slogan is certainly catchy and maps out what the second term of the Trump administration is likely to achieve.

But there was more in the email, the authentic of which has so far has not been denied by the Trump camp.

“It’s all very well using old books like 1984 and Animal Farm and My Struggle as guidebooks for reshaping America, but we need modern texts too. Especially one written by a woman. This will help secure the religious housewife vote.”

It’s not yet clear how much of the guidebook the Trump team intends to turn into policy, but it’s reasonable to assume a fair old whack of it!

“We should also give serious consideration to having ‘Under His Eye’ printed on the US presidential seal, and any other marine mammals that polls show are popular.”

But don’t think Ivanka and Melania have been left out of the planning. They’re pegged to run re-education camps for young, fertile women, so they understand their job in Gilead will be to breed. And that’s all. Well, certain domestic duties too of course.

Under his eye. Make America Gilead Again. Let’s wait until Trump tries to spell Gilead in a tweet.

Indy Poll Shocker : Support for Scottish independence booms in England as millions seek options post Brexit

I’M NOT A FASCIST GET ME OUT OF HERE : A SHOCK new POLL in THE DAILY REPRESS today reveals INGERLAND to be RIDDLED with people who don’t BELIEVE in BREXSHIT hard ENOUGH.

“It is quite a shock,” a pollster for polling firm, CONres, told LCD Views, “but it helps explain why Brexit isn’t a success yet.”

The presumed talking down of the GREAT LEAP BACKWARDS by heretics is the most likely reason for the EU not yet BOWING TO THE DEMANDS of GLOBAL BRITAIN.

“Some say it’s the fact the EU is a rules and treaty based organisation, the only way to get dozens of democracies to work together in a union, and the blatantly inhuman way the British government has threatened the well-being of millions of EU27 CITIZENS OF NOWHERE explains why BRUSSELS HAS NOT BENT THE KNEE. But the poll reveals the reason is FIFTH COLUMNISTS in England itself.”

It’s thought that Brussels has long had a patriotic feeling vibe machine, or PFVM, directed at Blighty, mostly likely on undercover French fishing vessels.

“The lack of purity of essence in millions of people in England is detected by Barnier and he feeds back the results to the EU27 leaders. This has led to an overconfident stance in negotiations so far. It’s definitely not anything to do with all Brexit supporting politicians being complete and total fantasists who couldn’t negotiate their way out of a wet paper bag.”

But clearly the people who will suffer the most once ENGLAND IS FREE AT LAST will be the Scottish.

“They won’t be able to build homes fast enough north of Hadrian’s Wall, if this poll is anything to go by. That’ll learn them. And where will they put the skills, feeling of relief and assets the fleeing non-fascist English will bring with them?”

Ha! They don’t have an answer to that!

Similar polls will be conducted this week in Wales, Northern Ireland and Cornwall. If the results are the same, they’ll also be in trouble of overpopulation once we’ve made a success of Brexit and they’ve gone independent.

Global Britain. So long as the globe is as small as the minds of the politicians driving forward the disaster capitalist project of Brexit, we’ll make a success of it!