Tory MP – “Priti Patel has now given me five kidneys in total. I can’t see how she’s a bully!”

BULLY FOR YOU : THE PRITI PATEL BULLYING SCANDAL HAS BRIEFLY KNOCKED COVID-19 AVOIDABLE DEATH TOLLS OFF THE TOP OF THE NEWS CYCLE, which is nice.

The topping of the charts comes as a result of the long suppressed official inquiry into her behaviour being published.

“It’s a bloody shame it was printed on waterproof paper,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “Boris spent ages attempting to water it down but nothing worked. Not water, or later, when he was properly hammered, not Bordeaux. Then he had to give it up and go for lunch and some bloody fool published it.”

But it’s not bad news for Ms Patel, even though she’s found to have broken the Code of Conduct for Ministers.

She is receiving broad support from her colleagues, as Tory MPs engage in a craven, synchronised swim across social media. They’ve got her back, presumably so she doesn’t go behind theirs and give them wedgies.

One even revealed the depth of generosity of Ms Patel cut deep.

“Priti Patel has given me a total of five kidneys already. I can’t see how she could be a bully!”* One MP tweeted, presumably to separate themselves from the adoring crowd.

It has been noted though that no one who has worked under Ms Patel has expressed surprise at the charges proven against her.

“Some would think we don’t understand how bullies operate. But that’s nonsense, we’re all bullies. We know very well that you are polite to people who you judge to have equal or greater power than yourself, and you take that screaming inside out on anyone weaker. Not exactly a shock that so many people have only seen her sweet side. It’s a good thing the people she’s bullied are too nervous to speak out! Ha! Nerds.”

And to further secure Ms Patel’s validity in her post the source added,

“If the general public won’t punish us at the ballot box when we refuse to clean house, you can hardly expect us to have standards. Just look at who we made prime minister. You’ve only yourselves to blame. Now stick your head in the toilet and flush it. The sound you’ll hear swirling around as the bowl empties is the life blood of your democracy.”

*It is unclear where the five kidneys came from.

Boris Johnson made a complete balls up of being PM “unintentionally”

BALLS TO THE WALL: A new report on the first year of Boris Johnson’s premiership is due out shortly. Its author, who has already resigned in anticipation, was not complimentary.

Faye Sparm, the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, was requested to investigate the conduct of the Crime Minister. She allegedly threw her completed report on the desk formerly occupied by “Classic” Dom Cummings, with a resignation letter written in most unParliamentary language.

The report ran to some 84547885 pages, but Sparm considerately included a precis on two sides of A4. This was intended to ensure that someone would actually read it to Boris Johnson.

You can guess the contents. For example, there were several entire volumes devoted to “Spaffing Money Up The Wall”. These contained individual books with titles like “PPE”, “Serco”, “Jennifer Arcuri”, and “Dilyn the Dog”.

Another twenty volumes made up the series entitled “Dither, Delay, and Wiff-Waff”.

The “Brexit” volumes comprise the heart of the report. Each reads like a crime thriller, with the evil protagonist blundering from failure to failure, yet refusing to concede defeat. Each volume concludes on a cliff-edge – I mean, a cliff-hanger.

The tale of one Dominic Cummings is woven throughout the entire work. This backroom player, a pound shop Wormtongue to Johnson’s tragicomic Saruman, brings about his own doom. On the road to Barnard Castle (a very British Damascus), the scales fell from our eyes and his deceit was made plain – yet his services were retained.

The whole is subtitled by Sparm, a Harry Potter fan, as “The Life And Lies Of Alex Johnson”.

Various government figures were wheeled out to denounce the report. Dominic Raab said he “didn’t appreciate its significance”. John Redwood wibbled something about British Fish. Priti Patel simply growled at everyone until they backed off. Johnson himself went into hiding.

But the overriding theme was that Poor Boris was doing a good job under difficult circumstances. He may have made a complete balls up of the job, but “unintentionally”.

Priti Patel made the new face of anti-bullying

COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU’RE HARD ENOUGH: To mark anti-bullying week, the government has announced a new world-beating-up anti-bullying champion. Who better than Priti Patel?

Well, almost anybody, really. But that never puts this government off its stride. Patel’s sheer unsuitability for the role makes her the ideal candidate.

Patel has been plagued by accusations of bullying for a long time. So, reasons officialdom, who better to counter bullying than a bully? It’s poacher turned gamekeeper. The Home Office wolf has donned sheep’s clothing, and concealed her iron fist inside a velvet glove.

Guidance has been issued on the Home Office website. There you will find a page headed “So, you think you are being bullied, do you?”

The guidance is uncompromising. It consists of a sequence of FAQs, which tend to be neither questions nor frequently asked. It starts, promisingly enough, with a section entitled “What is bullying, and how do I deal with it?”

The answer is stark. “Bullying is, traditionally, where a bigger boy beats you up and steals your sweets. In fact, this is a useful illustration of Capitalism in action. Grow a pair, and get used to it!”

Wise words, I think we can all agree.

But there is more to come. “My boss has criticised me loudly, publicly and unfairly. What can I do?”

The response is clear. “I’m sorry you feel that way. Strong leadership is to be admired. Up your game, snowflake.”

A section of helpful guidance is included. “I want to know what can be counted as bullying,” reads one non-question. The answer is nothing if not deeply unhelpful.

“The following actions are NOT considered to be bullying: Words, actions or physical contact designed to display strength or superiority. Being put in your place. Name-calling. Criticism of your work, opinions, or appearance. Asserting your position in the pecking order by belittling your inferiors. Bullying.”

Priti Patel will set a fine example to the nation.

Johnson commits £16bn to development of “British fish torpedo”

FIRE ALL TUBES : MODERN DAY SCULLEN SKINK, BORIS “AL TO DONORS” JOHNSON, HAS ANNOUNCED A PLAN TO SECURE ALL FISH IN THE SEA FOR BRITAIN.

The people’s prime minister made the announcement today over Zoom, while cosplaying as Captain Birdseye.

“I have nothing to promise you but fish today and fish tomorrow,” the PM began, before pausing to take off his hat, ruffle his hair, perv at some adult websites, feverishly text a violist, and finally return to the slippery issue at hand.

“I have today instructed our WORLD BEATING maritime and naval scientists to begin work IMMEDIATELY on a BRITISH FISH TORPEDO. A munition so powerful that when it explodes in any school of fish they will INSTANTLY become BRITISH.”

What the French and Norwegians will think of this the Prime Minister didn’t allude to specifically, but it’s certain to “have our foreign FISHY FOES discombobulated as schools of FRENCH FLOUNDER explode in an underwater detonation of SOVEREIGNTY.”

It’s expected that the schools of fish will “most obviously home then to the land of their birth and await like WELL TRAINED DOGFISH to be SCOOPED UP IN BRITISH FISHING NETS”.

But critics have pointed out that the plan for the British Fish Torpedo has one startling flaw.

“It will blow them up,” a fisherman said, “which is at least in keeping with what Brexit threatens for our entire industry.”

But gloomsayer’s concerns aside, the plan will go ahead like all of Boris Johnson’s big ideas and is expected to explode in our faces upon completion.

Ministry of Defence FOI request reveals most new defence spending earmarked for “Spitfire fly-pasts”

MAKE WW2 AIRPLANE SOUNDS NOW : BORIS JOHNSON IS A FREESPENDING PM, which is a great relief after the austere years of Dave “Wunderkind” Cameron and Theresa “fatal error in file” May.

“He knows he doesn’t have that long in the top job, before he gets bored and quits,” a new 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “so he’s going to have his fun with the public purse while he’s got it.”

The fun appears to have mostly focused on awarding PPE contracts to chums during 2020, but that is set to change as Mr Johnson looks to secure the defence of the realm into the future.

“Clearly the backbone of the modern defence of the UK is an obsessive focus on WW2,” the source continues, “just without all the distracting parts that foreigners played in the victory over the fascists.”

To this end the new multi-billion pound defence spending, announced today, will build on an already well established method for reminding the world that the UK is a lion that can still roar.

“Spitfire fly-pasts,” the source nods along, “that’s where most of the new money is going. One of Johnson’s old drinking mates from Eton days has a Spitfire re-enactment VR facility, allegedly, and they’ll (rumour says, not confirmed) be receiving a few billion to ramp that up so that tomorrow’s Spitfire fly-past pilots receive the most modern training possible for acting out the UK’s yesterday.”

Schools will also feature heavily with WW2 history days each and every day forever and never once will the children ever hear about Suez.

Last remaining pound of UK taxpayer money placed under armed guard before a Tory steals it

QUIDS IN : Comforting news for Global Britons looking at 2021 with a wary eye on the public finances today with the confirmation that the last remaining pound has been placed under armed guard.

“Shortly before 5am this morning specially trained officers arrived to take the last pound of taxpayer cash into protective custody,” our economics correspondent reports, “securing the squid in an air tight, titanium box secured with biogenic locks that have to be operated in unison by both guards simultaneously. The last pound has been moved to a secure location where it is hoped that, in time, it will reproduce parthenogenetically.”

The motivation for the move is thought to have come from the wide scale raid on the public finances, under the cover of Covid-19, finally, at last, Jesus wept, my brain hurts, getting broad media coverage.

“Our officers will guard the last remaining pound of UK public money until such time as we deem it is safe to return it to the wild,” a spokesman for the security detail told a press conference, “it’s highly likely if it is sighted by any member of the Conservative parliamentary party that it will find itself cut to shreds and distributed throughout an old boys style network of currency traffickers. We must not let this happen. MPs will need another payrise next year. And with the expected hit to the public purse from both a mismanaged pandemic, and the insanity of Brexit, this pound will become only more precious.”

But a source inside the government simply shrugged and said, “We know where the magic money tree is when we want to find it. Have you set up a company last week and stuck five pounds in it? You could be entitled to a PPE contract.”

Police issue warning after Margaret Thatcher escapes from TV show “The Crown” – assumed dangerous

STAY ALERT : THE METROPOLITAN POLICE HAVE ISSUED A NATIONAL ALERT TODAY AFTER THE FICTIONAL REPRESENTATION OF MARGARET THATHCER escaped from Netflix drama “The Crown.”

It’s believed the “event” occurred as a result of too many people watching the episodes featuring the deceased British prime minister at the same time as “the gatekeeper made contact with the keymaster”.

The production company behind the show denies any accountability and a spokesman said earlier “we followed the rules as laid down by The Vatican regarding representations of SHE WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED to the letter. This is not our fault.”

Whether or not all the stipulations of the Holy Roman Church were followed will have to be determined after the resurrected Mrs Thatcher has been apprehended and returned to the netherworld.

“We would ask the public to be very wary,” a police spokesman told a hastily convened press conference, “any councils that still have a stock of public housing are warned to guard the properties closely, lest they ultimately end up in the property portfolio of a Tory MP, without any replacement in stock. Likewise children drinking milk at schools are to be placed under armed guard until Mrs Thatcher has been safely apprehended.”

But perhaps the individual most at risk is of course Boris Johnson.

“Compared to the shambolic clusterfuck of impulses currently governing the UK with complete disregard for public welfare, principle, accountability, competence, foresight or hair combing, Mrs Thatcher is a paramount of public service. And that’s considering the harm she wrought! We are doubling our guard over Mr Johnson and he will remain in the fridge until it is safe for him to re-emerge.”

The public is also warned that if any family members start randomly saying ghastly early neoliberal bollocks like “there is no such thing as society”, they are to call the emergency services immediately and run screaming for their lives. It must be assumed that the person concerned has been in contact with “she who cannot be named” and is infectious.

Boris Johnson to relaunch his relaunch after opening his mouth during his relaunch

SILENCE IS GOLDEN : The people’s prime minister, Alexander de Prattle Boris Johnson, is set for a relaunch of his public persona “Boris” later this week, after aborting the launch of the relaunch that was abortively launched at the start of this week.

“He’s super excited, he can barely even focus on his arts and crafts at the moment. Even ‘In The Night Garden‘ is struggling to hold his concentration,” the Prime Minister’s aide told LCD Views.

This week’s first relaunch was timed to follow neatly on the departure of Dominic Cummings, who departed 10 Downing Street after doing all he could to destroy the future.

“Boris hasn’t even mentioned Dom this morning, he is completely unfazed whether or not Dom goes through with his threat to retrain as a ballerina or not.”

Wether or not it will be possible for Johnson to keep his mouth shut when he relaunches the relaunch at the end of the week is anyone’s guess.

“Those comments about Scotland are being badly misinterpreted,” the aide reassures, “devolution is a great movement. As soon as it goes fast into reverse it’ll be even better. The Jocks love Boris. You’ll see.”

I think we already have seen.

“And anyway that hardly matters. Boris Johnson’s job is not really prime minister. He’s the Tory Party fluffer. His real purpose is to be verbal viagra for the chaps and you can be sure as long as he’s in position they’ll stay leaning to the right and hard.”

Nicola Sturgeon invites Boris Johnson to go on speaking tour of Scotland

KEEP YOUR ENEMIES CLOSE : FIRST MINISTER OF SCOTLAND, NICOLA STURGEON, HAS PULLED A BLINDER TODAY and invited outgoing Prime Minister of England Boris Johnson to Scotland.

The surprising move is said to be part of an overall strategy ahead of next year’s elections for the Scottish Parliament.

“You should never look a gift horse in the mouth,” a spokesman for the First Minister told LCD Views, “and there’s no greater gift horse to the cause of Scottish Independence than Boris Johnson.”

The tour will take in the length and breadth of Scotland, with Mr Johnson booked to talk in cities, towns, villages and even isolated crofts.

“We want Mr Johnson’s message to be heard loud and clear before next year’s election. Given the pivotal nature of the election, coming just months after the tangible benefits of Brexit are really felt in Scotland, we think it only fair to give Mr Johnson a chance to capitalise on his achievements at the ballot box.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson will accept the offer isn’t clear.

“We are having a special train built for him,” the spokesman continued, “with an airtight, but well ventilated fridge compartment. And inside the compartment is a sensory deprivation tank. Mr Johnson will feel like he’s at home for the entire time.”

But some are suggesting the invitation is actually a cunning trick to lure Mr Johnson into talking, and drive the cause of Scottish independence to fulfilment.

“Now that’s just crazy,” the spokesman replied, “a great orator like Mr Johnson will have no trouble swaying any Scottish voter on the fence over independence into making an immediate decision.”

Donald Trump to stand in for Johnson at PMQs

MAKE PMQs GREAT AGAIN: The American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the UK is self-isolating, conveniently enough. So in his place this week will be the American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the USA.

The covid restrictions prevent Trump from actually appearing in person. So the exchanges will be conducted over Twitter.

Keir Starmer will issue forensic, searching questions in 280 characters. Trump will reply in deranged block capitals.

The questions themselves will not matter. But that’s traditional for the Johnson administration. And Trump is more than capable of conducting an argument in an empty room.

True to form, Trump is getting his responses in early. In his paranoia he is anticipating personal attacks. “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!” he boomed. “WE WILL TAKE ON THE LABS, AND WE WILL WIN AGAIN!”

Owning the Labs was only one of his preoccupations.

“MY GOOD FRIEND BORIS IS SICK!” he asserted. “AND HE IS DOING A VERY GOOD JOB INDEED! THE WICKED LEFT SHOULD SHUT UP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT!”

Somebody must have reminded Trump that there is still a pandemic going on, because the rage virtually leaped out of the next offering.

“TRUMP BEAT COVID! COVID BOWS DOWN TO TRUMP! IT’S A HOAX BUT WE BEAT IT ANYWAY!”

And, err, Brexit. It’s still going on, although the British negotiators have barely progressed beyond “You lost, get over it”.

“WE WANT A DEAL, WE WANT THE BESTEST DEAL, AND TRUMP IS THE MAN TO DO THE DEAL!” he boasted in an uncharacteristically lucid manner “BUT THE EU IS SLOW AND UNDEMOCRATIC. SAD!”

Back to standard Trump. What is an ex-American president, who should be packing his bags, doing standing in for the Prime Minister of the UK?

“I WON THE ELECTION!” he screamed, the disbelief palpable. “TRAITORS! TRAITORS EVERYWHERE! WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE! LONDON IS IN AMERICA! MAGA! MAGA!”

And with that, the tweets stopped. It looks like Starmer might have to battle with the towering intellect of Dominic Raab instead.