The bloody backstop. The fudge that got around the Irish border problem and would have permitted Brexit, do or die, without too many Troubles. Well it has to go, and Boris Johnson has produced his own little bit of magical thinking. He will sell the problem, island and all, to Donald Trump.
Oh yes, the sociopathic circus act in the White House has got the hump after Denmark laughed off his clumsy attempt to buy Greenland off them. Johnson is calculating that the fake-tanned fool will buy Ireland on the rebound instead.
“They love Ireland over there!” gibbered Johnson joyfully. “I should know, I was up Donald Trump’s neck of the woods, so to speak, not so long ago, the St Patrick’s Day parades are a spectacle not to be missed, I was at Eton with a lad called Patrick, he was away with the fairies, or should I say leprechauns!”
The spectre of The Troubles, and the insoluble paradox of an open border despite wanting closed borders, has forced Johnson into action. “The Conservative way is to sell your problems,” he claimed. “Loss-making industries? Run them down and flog ‘em. First years getting a bit lippy? Hunt them down and flog ‘em. Paddies getting agitated over a line on a map? I simply can’t be arsed any more, Trump can have ‘em!”
I suppose the money will come in handy, even if it means splitting off part of the United Kingdom. “Oh, no, you miscompostulate!” wibbled Johnson. “Only the EU part of the island is included in the sale. Donald has already promised to build a wall along the border, and make Ulster pay for it!”
We are guessing that he will use Irish labour in the construction. “How did you work that out?” asks Johnson, genuinely surprised. “Do you want a job in my government? You could lead the Department for Exiting The UK!”
Johnson is expected to sell Ireland and lease it back. For £350m a week.