Nigel Farage to cut ribbon to open first port-a-loo by Kent roadside

ET TU PORT-A-LOO : BRITAIN’S MOST FAMOUS PATRIOT, NIGEL FARAGE, HAS BEEN GIFTED A REWARD FOR HIS TIRELESS SERVICE TO IRISH RE-UNIFICATION AND SCOTTISH, WELSH AND CORNISH INDEPENDENCE.

“It’s only fitting that a man who sung famous, patriotic songs in his youth should now see himself in his middle years standing next to a portable toilet,” a spokesman for the committee responsible told LCD Views.

And while some long faces have begun asking who has the contract for the miles of port-a-loos to be installed in Kent, Cummings or a former aide to Liz Truss, or even Robert Jenrick? Any right thinking person has their mind focused on Nigel and the opening ceremony.

“There ceremony will showcase modern Britain to the world,” the spokesman continued, “a giant toilet rapidly filling up with all variety of crap. And we did it all ourselves. This is total national sovereignty in action.”

And it’s not just the cutting of the ribbon that is rousing enthusiasm, other prominent promoters of Brexit will be honoured too.

“The toilets will be named after those who have done the most to bring about Brexit,” the spokesman enthused, “you may choose to lose a stool in David Davis, Jacob Rees-mogg or wave your Johnson low in the Johnson. The options are endless.”

Corporate sponsorship will also be sought for what will be eye-catching installations.

“Imagine crapping in a Dyson? It’s not just Brexiters that will come running. That opportunity will see remainers happy to use the port-a-loos too. A unifying experience.”

We wish Nigel well for the ceremony, planned for January 1st 2021. We only ask that the first toilet to be opened be called the Jacob Rees-bogg.

Covid-19 accused of not following the science

WE’VE HAD ENOUGH OF EXPERTS: Health Secretary Matt Hancock has blasted covid-19 for not behaving in the correct manner. It has continued to infect people, despite the government’s best efforts to restrict its progress by opening pubs, shelling out huge amounts of money on ancient spreadsheets, and flouting its own regulations.

The post of Health Secretary is a poisoned chalice at the best of times. And Hancock perseveres knowing full well that Boris Johnson is the one who poisoned it.

Johnson himself is caught in his own web. Like covid, he had failed to follow The Science, which advised a short, sharp lockdown to control the spread of the virus and identify sufferers. Now Labour is suggesting he does precisely that. So Johnson must choose between proving himself an uncaring liar, or agreeing with Keir Starmer.

Devil? Deep blue sea? Nobody knows which way Johnson will go. Except everyone knows he will never agree with Starmer on principle. Johnson is quite possibly contemplating the disappearing act performed by runty little no-Mark Francois.

What does covid have to say about all this? Nothing, that’s what, and the silence speaks volumes. It’s a damning indictment, in that it refuses to defend its indefensible behaviour. However a couple of rogue viruses were discovered in a car, having travelled from London to Barnard Castle, despite The Science telling them that it was safer to go to the pub.

“I was only testing my eyesight,” claimed the first virus, slightly shiftily.

“Blimey! A talking virus!” responded its partner.

So that’s completely clear.

The publicity this event has generated has led to a second wave of viral infections. Meanwhile The Science is being changed like a nappy, and waiting for the next load of bullshit and a painful rash.

We have reached an amber light at tier 2 level 4 where R is more or less than 1, which means stay home, stay safe, check, change, reboot. Or not, if you don’t want to. Stay alert.

Cummings to oversee psychological evaluation of Tory cabinet to ensure stable emotional age

IT’S MY TOY GIVE IT : THE UK’S UNELECTED RULER, DOMINIC CUMMINGS, HAS MOVED TO ENSURE STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT IN A TIME OF ENDURING CRISIS.

To do this he needs data, of course, and data he will have.

“The actual data will be the psychological profiles of all the incels in the current cabinet,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “in particular the focus will be on the emotional age of the cabinet members.”

It’s believed a stable emotional age is key to guaranteeing the continuation of a policy platform that has so far seen Global Britain triumph during the Covid-19 crisis in the areas of outsourcing and PPE procurement, while other countries have floundered.

“Some are a little critical that Dom is leading on this, partially because of how busy he is bullying ministers through his SPADS, but also because Dido has got some time on her hands. Now that she’s fixed the test and trace service and palmed it over to some guy who used to be a grocer.”

But lead Dom will do, as he was born to do, especially in the area of avoidance of council tax.

“There could be a reshuffle once the study is complete, as predicted in one of Dom’s 2014 blogs, which he will revise tomorrow to prove it.”

The main criteria will be the emotional age of the subjects.

“Anyone who is older emotionally than Dom and Boris is out,” the source reveals, “which means you will continue to see government by spoiled toddlers, regardless of the physical age of the anointed.”

Tim Martin to replace SAGE in order to avoid second national lockdown

LOCK-IN IS THE ORDER : WORLD LEADER Boris Johnson requires the best advice if he is ever going to wrestle that invisible CV-19 mugger to the floor.

And while some so called scientists appear to be handwringing over the sheer testicular effort needed to do the required wrestling, not our BoRiS. He’s total balls. If only he could find them. It must be the fault of the girly swots, unmanning a hitherto unstoppable lothario of sound governance.

So to ensure Johnson makes the right moves at the right time he’s made a significant change to SAGE today.

“Whitty thought he was so funny, constantly handwringing and worrying about mortality rates,” a 10 Downing Street adviser told LCD Views, “how is anyone going to have a good time with that stick in the mud around? How is Johnson supposed to enjoy being PM if people keep boring him with detail? And don’t even mention exponential to us. Exponential contracts awarded to mates of Tory MPs is the only runaway number we’re worried about.”

If you can’t make hay while the Covid shines when can you? Well, Brexit will certainly see a need for contracts for completely unforeseen calamities dished out too. But that’s for tomorrow. Today is viral.

“And today is the time to act. So Whitty and the other long faces are out of SAGE,” the advisor beams, “and Tim Martin is in! There’s no surer way of avoiding the harm a second national lockdown will bring except by turning the whole of the U.K. into a Wetherspoons lock in. We’ll even be issuing the new Covid-19 advice on beer mats from here on in. Get in!”

Dominic Cummings to spend day editing 1992 blog predicting win for Biden in 2020 US election

HINDSIGHT IS 2020 : BRITAIN’S RULER AND FAMOUS SUPERFORECASTER, DOMINIC CUMMINGS, has announced he is to spend the day predicting the future, from the past.

The announcement was made via an update to a 2014 blog about regulatory standards in hydraulic lift manufacturing, as viewed through the window of ‘The Book of Kells’ and how the wisdom inherent in the ancient texts determines the best speed of fluid intake and outflow.

The 1992 blog which he will ‘update’ today will allow Mr Cummings to predict Joe Biden’s electoral win the November 2020 US presidential campaign.

“It’s not so much a blog,” one of our historians reveals, “as a page in the diary he was keeping back in 1992. Before his unexplained years in post-Soviet Russia. But a blog by any other name is still a blog, isn’t it? I’m sure we can find the answer to that in the 2011 blog he will update next week.”

The motivation for the latest edit to his entirely reliable writings is believed to give Tory MPs the upper hand as they seek to forge links with the potential Biden administration, after weeks of trashing the same on social media.

“Joe will be deeply flattered to know that Dominic was already focused on his potential at a time when most where looking elsewhere,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “but just like the progress of Brexit trade talks and the viral pandemic currently going at tantric speeds in the UK, Dom saw it all coming.”

And so long as it remains possible to go back and edit a blog post he will have predicted it.

Boris Johnson to retire from politics and focus on flogging “Oven Ready” chicken dinners

USE YOUR TALENTS WISELY : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has made a surprise announcement today. He is to step down from front line politics and promote chicken dinners.

The announcement was made at the start of a press conference to publicise the much trailed new restrictions on the activities of subjects in the ‘North’, in response to Covid-19.

“Like Theseus in a KFC, but without his famous spool of wool, I have at times felt lost in a maze of poultry. Bereft. Confused. Wondering what would Churchill do?” the outgoing prime minister began, “but no more! As Alexander the Great, that famous fancier of secret herbs and spices once said, give me a bucket! An oven ready bucket of frozen Boris Johnson brand chicken!”

At this point the temporary prime minister pulled out a brown paper bag from under the podium.

“In time the bag will have branding, but for today I will entrust the great British public to use their imagination.”

Next the blonde buffoon rummaged about in the bag and eventually produced a vacuum sealed package of what appeared to be fried chicken. And was.

“Boris Johnson’s Famous Oven Ready Chicken Dinners!” the big baby bounced about, “so finger licking good you’ll think you’ve been to a technology lesson!”

Smirk. Cast about for applause.

“Boris Johnson’s Famous Oven Ready Chicken Dinners! Because chlorine is a food group!”

From there on the speech became less coherent. Especially when he eventually reached the part about tightening of Covid-19 restrictions in the “North”, or “The Harrying 2.0”, as the new nest of policies has been named.

“And don’t worry if our bungling of the Covid-19 response means you can’t leave your home in Manchester to go to the supermarket. Boris Johnson’s Oven Ready Chicken Dinners will come to you! Just as soon as I work out a distribution network. I’ll get Dido to run it. Now remember. Stay Home. Stay Alert. Go Out. Put a Boris Johnson Oven Ready Chicken Dinner in the oven.”

It’s what Churchill would do in a pandemic. Isn’t it?

MPs awarded pay rise to counter rising cost of living caused by the decisions of MPs

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : Wonderful news for patriots today with the announcement that MPs are to receive a £3,300 pay rise.

The decision to give them a boost is entirely uncontroversial at a time when the government can be barely be bothered to give nurses a clap.

“Your MPs work tirelessly for the unelected bureaucrat Dom,” a spokesman for Downing Street told LCD Views, “while some MPs rudely question Matt Hancock from the other side of the green benches, and don’t even get me started on the bloody Jocks, the majority of MPs are Tory MPs and they deserve the additional money for not thinking for themselves.”

The money will certainly come in useful. Recent analysis shows that for some completely bizarre reason, since 2016, food costs in the UK are only rising.

“It was the right move to give MPs £10,000 each at the start of the endless disaster that is Covid-19. And it’s the right decision to give them thousands more now when you consider how busy mass unemployment will soon make them.”

What the MPs will do with the extra isn’t entirely clear, given that they don’t have to pay their own mortgages.

They just basically have to do what they are told to by the kleptofascist, international crime syndicate that has taken over the UK by way of a fucked up, dodgy, corrupted opinion poll back in 2016, that our political class should have been trusted to see through and deal with, based on the blood drenched lessons of the major, global conflicts of the 20th century.

But no.

Revolutionary communists, pretending to be socialists, to one side at the time and libertarian nightmares, pretending to be patriots, to the other, now stuck in a kleptocracy with you. Well done all. Have a round of applause.

“And besides,” the source interrupts this newspaper’s enraged diatribe, “the MPs need the pay rise to cope with the rising cost of living caused by the decision of the MPs.”

Friend of Tory MP lands £112m contract to supply claps for the NHS

CAN YOU SMELL THAT? SOMETHING SMELLS : Great news today for struggling Tory party donors as the kleptocratic basket case they helped to create is now rewarding them both tangibly and imaginatively.

In particular it’s fantastic news for newly created Baroness Vice of Back-on-Hander with the decision to award her company, Applause Please plc, a £112m contract to supply claps for the NHS.

“It wouldn’t be right to accept the thousands of pounds we as MPs are receiving as a pay rise and not pay a chum millions to do something non-monetary for the dedicated NHS workers. Gesture politics are us!”

How the claps will be supplied is yet to be decided and it’s thought most of the £112m will be spent on consultants, and sub-contractors, to work out they best way to deliver the applause.

“We think the world of the NHS. People who dedicate themselves to the public good and weather all sorts of nonsense, and reduction in resources and standard of living caused deliberately by the government, we rely on them. They are wonderful. We can take advantage of them on Monday. Wake up Tuesday and do it all over again. It’s only right someone earns many millions working out the best way to press hands together rapidly to say thanks. A badge isn’t enough. Whatever it takes. We will strain every sinew to say thanks.”

It is hoped that Applause Please plc will also usher in a new era for the chum chum chumocracy as it bleeds the state dry.

“I would encourage anyone who is worried about their finances to visit their local Conservative association and donate some money to the local campaign. The rate of conversion is currently £1 donated will be returned as £1m, by way of a contract awarded without tender, so long as you remember to set up a company a few days before ‘winning’ the contract.”

ALL TOGETHER NOW! Let’s clap for the NHS! And pay a friend of a Tory MP to supply the claps to do it!

Nice work if you can get it.

Global ANTI-VAX movement BALLOONS after Donald Trump tweets “My blood IS the vaccine!!!!”

AMENDMENT 25 CALLING : THE SCOURGE OF MODERNITY, the global anti-vaccine movement, has received a most welcome boost to its numbers today thanks to some surprising assistance from batshit crazy US President, Donne Drumpf.

The help has come in the form of a tweet in which Donald Trump asserted that his blood is the vaccine.

“We’re not quite sure what his blood is the vaccine for,” a resident GP comments, “it clearly isn’t the vaccine against mocking disabled reporters, fake news, serial sex pest activities, serial adultery, locking kids in cages, misogyny, racism, disrespecting the dead, gluttony, addiction to fake tanning, wig wearing or sociopathy. I can only guess he is talking about the novel cold virus that’s taken the world by storm?”

But whatever disease Mr Trump is referring to the impact of his tweet has been instant, thanks to the wonders of social media.

“I’m not sure how we’ll recover from this tweet,” our GP continues, “already at my surgery we have seen dozens of parents cancel routine vaccinations out of fear of infecting their children with Trumpism. Which is understandable. Trumpism is very similar to the kind of mutant virus that creates zombie apocalypses. If any population achieves 60%, or over, infection rates than it is all over rover.”

What the authorities more generally can do to discourage the sudden ballooning in support for anti-vaxxers is not clear, as most are still dealing with yesterday’s news cycle and won’t have caught up to today until tomorrow.

“I would encourage people to continue to get vaccines,” our GP finishes, “they are one of the greatest technological advances in the history of humanity, have freed billions from the terror of infant mortality, and only the historically ignorant refuse them. And if Donald Trump’s blood really is the vaccine, then it’s been nice knowing you all.”

British fish takes out restraining order against Conservative MP

I AM NOT A FISH OF BRITAIN I AM A FISH OF THE WORLD : A British fish has been to court today in London to take out a restraining order against a Conservative MP.

While there is a ban on press coverage of the identity of the MP, we can wildly speculate that it is the old broken record himself, John Redwood. Although there are many it could be, clearly.

We offer our sincerest apologies right now if it was actually Andrew Bridgen or MIA man of the moment, Mark Francois.

However, the speculation that the MP is Redwood is based on an analysis of his Twitter feed. This reveals he has tweeted about controlling British fish no less than 300,034,974,00 times in the last hour alone.

Andrew Bridgen has been mostly spending his time screaming “Remoaner” at reality, and wiping the baby food off his chin.

Whereas Mark Francois is busy fuelling speculation that he is at the centre of a ghastly police case, but still keeps the whip, because Conservatives are still the party of family values.

The fish itself has been moved to take action in an attempt to free itself from what it calls “coercive control by deluded English nationalists, who fetishize me because of the national myths centred on a maritime past. They can’t rule the waves anymore, partially because Tory governments keep cutting back the Navy and selling off rights to our territorial waters, so in order to deny that reality and take responsibility they obsess over me. And I for one am fed up with it. I see no borders. I am a fish.”

The restraining order will give the fish time to seek whatever help is required. And it had one more statement for the press from the steps of the court.

“I am not an Englishman or a British fish, but a fish of the world.”