Let’s get parliament working again, says man who closed it down

Let’s get parliament working again, is the cry from Boris Bollocks Johnson. This, don’t forget, is the man who prorogued parliament to stop it from doing its job.

Meanwhile, Bollocks has decided to hold an election, during which period parliament will not sit. These are the actions of a man who does not want parliament to operate at all.

It’s such a load of nonsense that it deserves to be plastered on the side of a big red bus.

Joining it will be all the promises of extra nurses, police, funding and so on. Numbers so fanciful that they may have been crunched by Diane Abbott herself.

Bollocks’ nose grows another inch every time he says “Let’s Get Brexit Done”. His proboscis currently circles the globe three and a half times.

Let’s Get Brexit Done, or LGBD, is a carefully chosen slogan. In the words of Bollocks himself, it’s a crude attempt to attract the votes of tank topped bum boys.

LCD Views naturally wanted to find out what passes for the truth these days, from the horse’s mouth. Our Verifiable Veracity correspondent sought out Captain Bullshit for an explanation.

“It’s, erm, well, yes indeed, absolutely, golly, erm, no, yes,” confirmed Bollocks himself. “I closed parliament to get it working again. It’s the same with, erm, technology and stuff, isn’t it, that’s what Jennifer Arcuri told me – allegedly, ha ha! – you turn it off and turn it on again. Works with all the fillies, erm, well, yes, what was the question again?”

We showed him a picture of the relevant headlines, but he pocketed the device, in order to provide a demonstration of the Tories’ policy with regards the NHS.

Fortunately he did return the device, albeit minus the photos and the contact details of all our female acquaintances.

Interestingly, “Let’s get Brexit done” is an anagram of “Bots entered ex gilt”.

Matt Hancock placed in medical coma after bruising encounter with the truth

WHY WALK INTO A LAMP POST WHEN A HAND WILL DO : Healthy Secretary Matt Hancock has been famous for receiving £32,000 pounds from a think tank seeking to abolish the NHS for some time, but now he’s adding other strings to his stringy little bow.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/nhs-privatisation-donations-matt-hancock-health-secretary-institute-economic-affairs-a8442001.html

“He’s nailed social media,” our campaign analyst nods approvingly, “have you seen his videos? Journey of the haunted man. Quite compelling. Or is it the journey of the empty vessel? I guess given that he invoked the actual war dead from WW2 as part of his joke play to be PM, and then reversed his stance regarding prorogation for short term careerism, well, empty maybe more appropriate.”

But he wasn’t finished there. The high points keep coming.

“Yes. Now he’s gotten involved in the Leeds Infirmary story. The Tories needed something to show they care about the NHS and sick kids. Which they don’t. Quite clearly, or they wouldn’t have spent the last ten years underfunding the NHS and cutting resources to children’s services,

“Anyway, I digress. The story of a four year old with suspected pneumonia was just the ticket. And what timing too! As they suddenly needed a way to distract from Boris Johnson stealing a reporter’s phone as the reporter attempted to show that bloated blonde bag of fetid wall spaff an image of the four year old. Here the head begins eating the tail of course,”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-50717400/general-election-2019-johnson-puts-reporter-s-phone-in-pocket

“So little Matt was dispatched to Leeds Infirmary for the first time in his life to show he was action Matt. And what luck when he got there to find a few Labour activists. Now all the party of government, that’s been waging economic war against the country’s most vulnerable for years, needed to do was find a way to convert the whole thing into the perception of them being under attack. They did this by having one of Matt Hancock’s aides walk blindly into the back of a man’s hand. Then they claimed assault. Then Kuenssberg and Peston, and others, went off like little puppies with a treat to yap the news to everyone.”

Then the video of the event emerged?

“Yes. Funny. Given how enthusiastic Little Matt is about putting videos on social media that it didn’t occur to them that someone may video the event and put it on social media.”

Didn’t occur to two of the country’s most highly paid ‘reporters’ either.

Funny that. The truth will out. If the latest bit of GE farce makes you wonder if the Tories are just making everything up as they go along in a desperate spin cycle, then you’re probably right. I wonder what they’ll go on to make up if they’re allowed to keep running the country?

UK to vote on Thursday whether or not to replace unicorn in coat of arms with kipper

TUB THUMPING DOG WHISTLING PRIME MINISTERIAL COUNTRY DEMOLITIONING : NEWS of a fresh rift between outgoing PM Boris Johnson and his spiritual guide, Nigel Farage, today after Mr Johnson’s latest bit of grass roots electioneering.

Apparently the furore centres on what is to replace the unicorn in the UK’s coat of arms. A subject Mr Johnson raised at a fish market, wherein he almost got lost, as he himself is so exceptionally fishy.

“Replacing the unicorn is necessary to get the public used to the actual benefits of Brexit,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “the end of GP surgeries and the introduction of kids fighting over the one school meal provided in their district each day. That’s understood. But what to replace it with is the issue.”

It seems, unusually for something Brexit related, the decision to make a big change was taken with shockingly limited thought as to what to actually do after the decision.

“Boris Johnson wants to put the actual kipper he held on stage at the BBC Daft Comedy Awards into the actual coat of arms,” the source continues, “as he believes this fish, and the associated lies he told while holding it as a prop, best illustrate the UK’s new direction.”

What’s wrong with that? Surely Nigel Farage, perhaps the most famous kipper of them all, would see it as a fitting testament?

“Well, it’s not that the frog faced, replica human from the Planet Proto-Facist isn’t complimented. But he feels a more fitting, new symbol of modern Britain under Brexit would be a plaster cast of a patriotic British knee.”

This dispute is likely to play out for a while. One thing is certain though, if the UK’s voters return Johnson to power this Thursday they will be declaring to the entire world that we’re now just a little nation of kippers. Let’s hope they choose to deserve a different government…

Elections reclassified as sport to prevent Russian interference

Following Russia’s shock four year ban from international sports by the World Anti-Doping Agency, the International Olympic Committee have taken further steps to prevent Russian cheats prospering in international events.

They have reclassified voting as a sport.

“It’s simple,” spokesman Will Wynn-Fairley explained. “We hear all the time about Russia meddling in other countries’ elections, so now they’ve been banned from international sports, we might as well count voting as a sport to prevent them from cheating in that.”

If so then it would be a great stride forward for democracy.

Russian president Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment.

The ban would not extend to their own national elections, which would carry on as normal. Or as normal as their democratic process can be called.

Donald Trump was also unavailable for comment, although sources close to the White House reported a very loud wailing and screaming coming from the Oval Office.

We were able to get an interview with Boris Johnson however, who said:

“It’s disgraceful, if the Russians can’t interfere in our elections, the people might not vote in our – er, their, yes, definitely their, best interests. It’s like someone telling Zeus that he’s not allowed to father children with mortals, you just can’t do it, think of how different Greek mythology would be then.”

I couldn’t help but think his choice of example was very revealing of his own passions.

The Russian sporting ban has not yet come into effect, nor will it in time for this current election. However, when it does, we will all be able to breathe a little easier. If the Tories haven’t privatised oxygen by then in an effort to kill the poor by asphyxiation.

UK pollsters to start asking ‘What’s your favourite way to cook rat?’ if Johnson wins majority

RODENT COOKERY 101 : Daily the UK’s social media users are deluged with polls as the first, but not last, GE campaign of 2019 draws to a close. But don’t think the polling companies will be twiddling their thumbs after Thursday.

“Clearly it depends on who wins the general election, or if there’s a hung parliament,” Professor Hungry of NoGov told LCD Views, “the major salivation is over the possibility of a stonking Johnson majority. It’ll give us a completely new range of issues to conduct polls on. Culinary issues.”

And by culinary Hungry isn’t talking about what’s a proper Yorkshire pudding if it’s made of dandruff, are Brussels Sprouts even food if they’re foam toys from a child’s toy kitchen, or would Toad-in-a-Hole actually be improved by use of an actual toad?

“Actually, I’ll interrupt you there,” the professor said, “the toad one is one of the many new and exciting possibilities if Boris Johnson is able to unleash the UK’s potential. You won’t be affording sausage, but if you’re fast, and your garden contains a water feature, you may just catch yourself a toad. But how will they taste? And what demographics will favour them?”

And amphibious creatures won’t be the only life forms being polled. Everyone’s favourite, the rat, will clearly feature heavily.

“Come on. The country is heaving with rats, and not just in government. We all know they’re out there, and according to recent research, British people are already considering the best way to cook them. By far the most popular method is flame grilling. You don’t have to skin them that way, the hair just burns off. But there is a niche electorate who do wish to skin them first in order to keep the pelts for making clothes.”

If Boris Johnson and the charlatans surrounding him are enabled to unleash the country’s potential in the way they desire, you’ll be having heated debates about the bin fire over exactly what to do with that rat.

Cons promise no child will be more than 15mins away from a Boris Johnson lie

ARE WE STILL DOING THIS : The Conservatives have thrown another lure in the electoral waters this weekend by making another promise they intend to keep.

“I can promise you we are going to keep lying,” Mr Soul Less, MP for Confusion, told LCD Views, “in fact if we win the GE this week, we’ll have so many promises to keep, that we have no interest in keeping, that we’re going to have to get properly industrial with the lying. Just to meet demand.”

It’s believed the industrialisation of political deception will be a boon for the economy, and will easily replace the automotive sector in share of national output.

“We’ll export the lies too. We’ll bloody have to, there’s going to be so many of them stacked up across the country.”

And good British children are expected to share in the bounty.

“No British child will be more than 15mins away from a Boris Johnson lie,” Mr Less continued, “once we get our majority and pass the executive power grab on page 48, then we’ll ban protest and any message contrary to the Downing Street ‘sources’. But this won’t lead to a loss of income for the country’s billboard owners. We will plaster them all with lies. This way patriotic British children skipping to school, or for a day in the workhouse, they’ll see them all.”

To show the intent behind the child focused policy Mr Less unveiled another policy.

“You may have heard Ms Morgan waffling on about football pitches this weekend? As if that’s what we need to spend hundreds of millions on? Well, we do, having forced state schools to sell off all their playing fields to buy basic educational supplies. But to make the football pitch policy come true we will convert every food bank into a football pitch. And then we’ll force the little blighters to play for food.”

Global Britain. Unleashing its potential in a way those who voted for Brexit back in 2016 never imagined.

Vatican investigation into West Suffolk “selfie” apparition reveals it’s just Matt Hancock

CURSED TO WALK FOREVER FILMING NONSENSE : LCD Views can confirm today that the Exorcist, sent by the Vatican, to West Suffolk at the request of terrified constituents has concluded his investigation into the ‘selfie’ apparition.

“It’s still walking the streets and pavements at dawn most days,” Father Pater Pater confirmed, “I have seen it with my own eyes. It’s definitely ghoulish. It’s aims are certainly terrifying. But it’s of this world. I can not exorcise West Suffolk for you.”

The ‘selfie’ apparition first appeared in the area some weeks ago and initially appeared to modernise hauntings by posting short video blogs of itself screaming into the void on Twitter. Sometimes trees appeared to grow out of its head. Other times it was just the darkness surrounded dead eyes. Now and then it seemed to fancy possessing a motor vehicle.

Initial reports also said the apparition focused heavily on scaring people with nonsense maths about nurses, quiet outsourcing of the services related to national health, curious receipt of monies by US private health lobbyists and even invoking the war dead in a cynical attempt to become Head Ghoul of the Walking Dead Party. That alone should have seen it sent back to whatever ghastly realm it has escaped from.

That is possible, but it won’t be achieved by supernatural means.

“It’s Matt Hancock,” Father Pater Pater shrugged, “West Suffolk can exorcise itself next week at the ballot box. I’d advise you to do so lest your NHS becomes a dead zone.”

Boris Johnson says people are bored of political interviews and would much prefer fascism

NO LAUGHING MATTER : The UK’s outgoing prime minister, Boris ‘if it moves I’ll shag it’ Johnson, has provided clarity today over his refusal to be grilled, basted, roasted, boiled alive and generally severely singed by his fellow Barclay Brother’s employee Andrew Neil.

“The great people of this great nation are bored of political interviews,” Mr Johnson revealed, having decided the matter for himself, “they’d much prefer some good old fashioned, straight talking fascism.”

And it seems so far as this matter goes Mr Johnson has the courage of his convictions, not always something that has been said about him.

All you have to do is look deeply into the (mostly) slogan-scat smeared pages of his party’s election manifesto to find proof.

“Page 48,” he went on, “you’ll find it in there. Total wipeout of parliamentary sovereignty, and just like Brexit, we expect the people to vote for it. Ha!”

And there’s more to it. Not only is there a smash and grab for executive power, there’s news of how Mr Johnson will convey his message to the grated British people, if the people, and then parliament, are confused and cowed enough to allow it.

“Following in the footsteps of the great orators of the past,” Mr Johnson added, “Mussolini, Sadam, Eddie H and so on, I will talk directly to the people I govern. In this way, as the boot of fascism presses down on their chests, they will understand why.”

And he will do this via the good old fashioned, British invention of television.

“24/7 streaming of my thoughts, via your British made LCD flatscreen, into every living, and dead room in the land. And if you don’t watch, we’ll know.”

Let’s Get Brexit Done and watch Boris Johnson’s ratings soar.

It is still a choice, for now, and you don’t have to vote for it…I know I won’t.

UK set to decide if representative parliament is still a good defence against thick voters

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 12th OF DECEMBER : Get Brexit Done is the slogan outgoing Prime Minister Boris “f*ck democracy” Johnson’s aides repeat ad nauseously on his social media accounts. He’s told us himself that he doesn’t really do the Twittersphere, but someone does in his name then?

It’s an interesting pitch. The one aim over half of the country does not want achieved. That is his electoral pitch.

No longer is the aim to govern for all, but to govern for only those that support your agenda and the rest can go whistle.

It’s been this way since May’s “citizens of nowhere” speech heralded the new age in British democracy. The age in which political leaders of the right, and the left, decided proven electoral lawbreaking didn’t undermine democracy.

And now the very nature of our governance is up for grabs.

Many say, with no little justification, that FPTP has had its day. If they eventually prevail in changing the system, with no help from the old duopoly who quite like it, FPTP will he replaced by something more representative.

And representative democracy is the way we’ve usually done it. And if we allowed the question to be direct, it was heavily safeguarded.

Not so with Brexit. An advisory referendum, corrupted by the unscrupulous, has been transformed magically into a mandate from the heavens, regardless of the crime and snake oil and risk.

And once more direct democracy’s advisory Brexit goes to the representative ballot box. December 12th.

A representative parliament. The people choose who represents them. It’s been a good system. So many are too overworked to decide on matters of daily governance. Or too ill. Or too young. Or too dumb, that too. Those who refuse to inform themselves and allow the spin doctors and media to hold sway. So we guard against all by employing people to make it their job to protect us and progress the country.

But the system is at breaking point. The thick are in the ascendancy within and without the hallowed halls.

December 12th, the make or break of representative democracy? Either way it will be a day to remember.

Time travellers identify Jack the Ripper as Jacob Rees-Mogg

The incident of Jack the Ripper has long fascinated every amateur and professional sleuth in the country, but now it seems there is a new angle to the case. Some fresh evidence has emerged – or is going to emerge – that will completely reshape – or has reshaped – how we think about the character of the famous Victorian serial killer.

Time travellers have (allegedly) returned from the year 5349 with a rather eyebrow-raising perspective. Future historian Professor Les Gobak, who claims to have been born in the year 5296, offered this take on the situation:

“Jack the Ripper escaping from his own time was an accident, and we apologise whole-heartedly. One of my team was doing some investigation in London in the year 1888, and encountered Jack the Ripper who killed her and took her time key. However it was set with a security mechanism which limits unauthorised use. If someone does use it without the proper identification, it will just transport them a century forward in time and then self-destruct, leaving the user stranded in a time completely foreign to them.”

So Jack the Ripper escaped into the late 20th century. That would explain why he was never caught. But then what?

“We detected the unauthorised use of the key, but unfortunately we couldn’t get back to the exact year, too much nuclear fallout from the Chernobyl explosion. Nuclear disasters on that scale make it impossible for us to be accurate within a decade when travelling back. This is the closest we have been able to get to, but we can confirm that ‘Jack’ is still alive and doing very well for himself.”

Does that mean the time travellers from the future can make a positive identification of this scoundrel?

“We can. It wasn’t hard. All we had to do was look for someone with their head in the past, spouting Victorian values. Obviously at this period in British politics there’s quite a lot of candidates for this but we had no difficulty in identifying Jacob Rees-Mogg as the guilty party.”

I was about to ask the professor all sorts of questions about how he was certain but they all died on my lips because his statement actually answers them all. The only question remaining was, if his identification was accepted, what was to be done about him?

“He [allegedly] killed one of my team and escaped from his own time. That means he has to face justice in the 54th century. It will be easier to extract him if he can be removed from his position of power though. The less sway he holds in this time, the less damage he can do to future history.”

Presumably this is why Professor Gobak turned up now?

“Yes. If the people can get rid of him democratically, that’ll be enough, and we can take it from there.”

The whole story sounded crazy, but somehow had the ring of truth to it. Justice is now dependent on the votes in general, and North East Somerset in particular. If you want Jack the Ripper to stand trial for his crimes, vote against Jacob Rees-Mogg and his party come election day.