Government says “Rule of Six” will be enforced by grouse shooting parties patrolling streets

BRACE! BRACE! : DOWNING STREET HAS MOVED TO REASSURE BRITS THAT THEY ARE ENTERING AN ERA OF LAWLESSNESS with no effective means of law enforcement.

They are. But that does not mean they are not safe, at least in specific and limited ways.

“People do not need to panic,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “especially not wealthy, armed people. We may have shot the sheriff, and the deputy, but that’s solely in respect of representative democracy and our international reputation, by forcing Tory MPs to vote against their manifesto commitments.”

But of particular concern is the new “Rule of Six” which came into force at midnight, a comfortable six seconds after the law change was published.

“It’s clear local authorities and the police services will be spending all week reading up on what we’ve done now to Covid-19 regulations. This may make it difficult to break up the roaming gangs of CV-19 afflicted citizens who can now be found walking the length and breath of the UK searching for CV-19 tests in illegally large gatherings. But your streets will still be safe.”

The safety will be provided by vigilante gangs of wealthy landowners.

“Any peasants found to have gathered in groups larger than six, and not hunting with dogs, will be taken care of by grouse shooting parties. Grouse shooting will still be legal because grouse limit our ability to effectively control Covid-19. This is because unarmed people tend to stop and gather in appreciation of them, rather than blast the living hell out of them for fun. But it’s not beyond the wit of Viscount Bothermere and his chums to ensure poor people don’t come together in gatherings larger than six. And because shooting parties can have up to thirty members, perfectly safely with no threat of virus transmission, this gives the elite no opportunity to be outnumbered by poor people or Covid.”

Further tightening of Covid-19 restrictions are planned later in the week, after a thorough consultation of the prime minister’s donors social planners.

It’s okay for Japan to tell us what to do as you don’t spell Japan “EU”

PUTTING THE PIGEON AMONGST THE CATS : THE UK GOVERNMENT’S TRADE negotiator SUPREMO LIZ TRUSS is expected to bring clarity to confusion regarding the world beating trade deal she recently agreed with the needy nation of Japan.

The deal itself is currently only agreed in principle, and may potentially be less favourable than the deal agreed between the EU and Japan, but it is ours. We made it. Much like a Boris Johnson bus project using empty wine crates. Almost as good as a real bus. And ours.

“They [Japanese] need our cheese,” Liz Truss is expected to remind the UK’s voters, “they’re incapable of making cheese like we do. This is probably because 70% of the population is lactose intolerant. Also, they can’t eat French cheese because everyone knows French cheese makes you surrender. British cheese makes you choose a hill and die on it.”

So far so good. But she will also set minds at rest regarding the startling detail that the UK-Japan deal gives Japanese lawmakers a surprising bagful of British sovereignty. This concerns restraint on state aid.

“Do you want auto manufacturing in the UK to collapse before or after the end of the Brexit transition period? It’s bloody obvious it needs to collapse in 2021 or there maybe a political blowback on Boris. This trade deal gets us over the line (so far as appearances go) and into complete and total anarchy in 2021. I commend it to the house.”

But just in case you are still puzzled why it’s okay to sacrifice more sovereignty to Japan than to the EU in the famous Oven Ready Brexit Deal, Liz Truss will set your mind at rest.

“It’s very basic,” she will say, “you don’t need e and u to spell Japan, now, do you?”

Breaking the law is completely legal, says Boris Johnson

I FOUGHT THE LAW: And since I control the law, the law lost. Therefore, argues Boris Johnson’s Downing Street source, it is now legal to break the law.

Johnson may be a dead duck in charge of an exhausted white elephant that has long outgrown its room. But the indefatigable “Classic” Dom Cummings has plenty more dead cats to fling at the mass media vultures in the expectation that they continue to look the other way.

This is the Cummings Effect in full cry. The tail has been wagging the dog for a very long time now. Lockdown failed because Cummings was allowed to break the rules and the country followed suit. Now law and order could follow.

“Why were you driving at 120mph on the wrong side of the road, sir?”

“I know it’s illegal, officer, but it’s only breaking the law in a very specific and limited way.”

“On your way then, sir!”

Rules are made to be broken, and the Crime Minister and his cronies are driving a juggernaut through them. Expect a wave of specific and limited crimes, with the unanswerable defence “But the government…”.

Johnson has set a precedent. Breaking the law is now legal, and lawlessness could well result. Anarchy In The UK is tipped to be this year’s Christmas Number One.

This is a logical corollary of the very illogical Brexit. Break links, break agreements, break treaties, break communities, break dancing, break laws. Get the country spinning on its head so rapidly that nobody knows what’s really going on. Distract, distract, distract, so that nobody realises that the only true objective of Brexit was to wreck the country in order to make a quick buck.

Until it’s too late.

But the negative, anti-democratic, crybaby, loser, remoaner, enemies of the people have delayed Brexit for so long, and made so much noise about it, that the blatant corruption is obvious to all.

Power corrupts. And Cummings is aiming for absolute power.

Tory MP admitted to Priory for treatment for addiction to Sovereignty (in its pure form)

HIGH AS A KITE : An unnamed Conservative Party MP is believed to have been admitted to the famous treatment centre, The Priory.

The MP is suffering from an ideological substance abuse issue that rumours suggest have turned him, or her, into a “brain dead, lobotomised, dribbling fool who can no longer be trusted to use a fork, due to the risk of serious injury.”

Sovereignty is of course a misunderstood substance. It can cause temporary euphoria in users, but like most addicted substances that compensate for something missing in the addict’s life, it soon becomes dangerous.

“It’s completely habit forming. You begin by telling people with differing views to yourself to bog off, then as usage escalates you turn your fire onto nations within your own union.”

The later stage of addiction will see the serious addict breaking international laws and telling their allies and neighbours to shove it.

“At this point it’s best to place the addict in a medical coma and wash their system out with purgatives. Many have no hope of recovery and end up with mad blonde hair styles.”

LCD Views would like to point out that sovereignty can be used safely, but to be enjoyable it needs to be combined in measured doses with the sovereignty possessed by likeminded others.

“If you just mainline it on your own you’re screwed,” our expert advises, “the type of Sovereignty currently being dealt in Westminster will turn many MPs into drooling muppets, and has already done it to some. It’s hard to tell what is the worse side affect of heavy use? The rotting of the vertebrae? The dissolution of the ability for critical thought and inability to see consequences of your own actions? Or just the fact they become total pains in the arse.”

Operation Sunshot : Government launches project to fire UK into the face of the Sun

TANGIBLE BENEFIT OF BREXIT : THE UK government IS determined to show not just the tyrannical EU imperial superstate what it can do with recovered sovereignty, but the entire galaxy.

Speaking at a special televised address, before attending a bunga bunga party held at the Italian villa of a Russian-British Tory donor, temporary Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced the solar system beating project.

“We’ve already begun!” he announced, “I realised Operation Moonshit, I mean, Moonshot, was not ambitious enough. Mere mortals aim for the Moon. My Britannia aims for the Sun! And on her winged chariot she will fly!”

There followed a fairly incoherent series of classical allusions to Daedalus and Icarus, and Prometheus, and Theseus (something about shopping for wool), the Titans, Odin got a nod, Gorgon, Midas, Superfluous and Nonsensicus, before the Prime Minister returned to his central mission.

“Now that we are FREE of the EU’s well of gravity we can go anywhere. We can do trade deals with the Inedians! But to do this! To grasp the fiery nettle we must go and find them where they live. So I say to you, fellow travellers on my blazing barque, we are going to the Sun! Sol nostri populus volo caseus!

The journey is expected to be relatively swift with the UK arriving at the surface of the Sun on the 1st of January 2021.

“We will not burn up!” (we will)

“We will thrive out of Earth’s orbit!” (we won’t)

“The meddling technocrats of the EU will watch the climax of our journey with envy!” (they won’t)

“Get hurling the UK into the face of the Sun done!” Mr Johnson finished, “nothing can stop us!” (except the continuous nuclear explosion of the Sun).

Operation Moonshot in jeopardy after Chris Grayling submits a photo of his buttocks

FLY ME TO THE MOON: Operation Moonshot has got off to the best possible start. Chris Grayling has got involved.

True to form, Grayling has taken the briefs and run with them. He then pulled them down, and took a photograph of the Grayling derrière. Moonshot means moonshot, and nobody knows quite where to look.

Official guidance on what Operation Moonshot actually is has not been published. Boris Johnson announced it in his usual disingenuous way, because he will say any old bollocks you suggest to him. He hasn’t got a clue about it, but it does have the distinct advantage of sounding quite impressive.

Unfortunately, Grayling’s untimely intervention has left the project in jeopardy. Even “Classic” Dom Cummings can’t justify a £100bn price tag for a picture of Chris Grayling’s arse.

Instead, Cummings will be forced to put his iron fist into the threadbare velvet glove that is Johnson, and devise a world beating cock and bull story to blame the EU instead.

For penance, Grayling should expect to be dispatched to find an optician called Bernard Castle, somewhere in northern England.

“Operation Moonshot was a disaster waiting to happen anyway,” rocket scientist Stan Dwellback told LCD Views. “It’s not rocket science. We at the British Space Programme were expecting some serious funding at last. Instead it turns out to be a cover story for shovelling enough money to pay for a serious cheese mining mission to the moon into the pockets of an accountancy firm. What do they know about space?”

With that bitter thought, Dwellback returned to his chemistry set, and the crazies on QAnon who were trying to convince him that we are under attack by fighting machines from Mars. “The chances of anyone coming from Mars are a million to one, they said,” he muttered darkly. “But still they come. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

Cummings is going to have to move quickly, before Michael Gove has a chance to bare all as well.

Statue of Dominic Cummings in the style of Caesar to replace Speaker’s chair in HoC

DICTATOR PERPETUO : THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, LINDSAY HOYLE, is said to be looking for a new place to sit today after his chair was replaced overnight with a statue of Dominic Cummings.

It’s believed his admonition of Health Secretary, Matt “those men who died on the beaches” Hancock, yesterday was taken as a personal attack on the UK’s tyrant, Dominic Cummings, and a swift response was forthcoming.

“Lyndsay may get an upturned bucket to sit on,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “if he’s lucky. If he’s really lucky it will be in the corridor. If he’s not so lucky it will be attached to a ducking stool under the control of Priti Patel.”

The statue itself is said to be a wonder of classical design and to have Boris Johnson green with envy.

“Boris is mad that he wasn’t commissioned by Dom to make the statue out of empty wine crates. But Dom felt bronze was the right material to use, especially for his neck.”

The replacing of the Speaker will help speed up the business of the House of Commons.

“There’s no chance Caesar Cummings will allow any MPs to speak. Actually it will probably be in all their best interests just to lay cut roses at its feet every morning and pray they survive the purges to come.”

Reports that some cheeky kids from the SNP have already snuck into the Chamber and stuck a standard eye test chart to the chest of the statue have been denied.

“They’re not allowed into Dom’s chamber anymore. So it’s not possible.”

Veni. Vidi. Ego ruit Britannia.

Crowdfunder to pay the Tory Party to “just fuck off” raises £100bn in first half hour

MOONSHIT MOONSHOT : A CROWDFUNDER LAUNCHED this morning by an anonymous party, presumed to be “most of the country, definitely most of Scotland, NI and a lot of London”, has raised a blistering £100bn in the first 30 mins after launch.

The campaign’s aim is to raise enough money to convince the entire Tory Party to “just fuck off”, while there’s still something of the UK left to salvage. The timing is important, as it’s only a few months before Dominic Cummings replaces the Elizabeth Tower with a 350m statue of himself.

It’s hoped that more than the initial £100bn will be raised by the organisers, as a paltry £100bn is unlikely to be enough to convince the Tory Party to just fuck off while they can just pretend to wage war against Covid-19, while passing that much hard earned taxpayer’s cash and more out of the back door.

“We figure an even trillion pounds should do it,” one of the organisers emailed LCD Views to say, “it should at least be enough to convince Boris Johnson to just fuck off. Some of the ERG are more ideologically committed to the complete and utter destruction of the United Kingdom, so they may not come as cheap.”

However much is required it will certainly be money well spent.

“We were considering how much fuss the Tories made over that daft letter left in 2010 that said there’s no money left, and how there certainly won’t be once this current gang are finished looting the country. So it is worth donating. Cut our losses and hope they run.”

And the crowdfunder has an apt slogan to help advance its aims.

“Put your hand in your pocket before you find a Johnson in it.”

Boris Johnson to take personal control of breaking international law – in specific and limited ways

PARIAH STATES R US : THE PRIME MINISTER OF A SMALL ROGUE STATE OFF THE COAST OF EUROPE HAS ANNOUNCED he is to take personal control of breaking international laws.

“International laws are so old hat,” a spokesman for the shit Churchill impersonator told LCD Views, “there aren’t any of them we like. Specifically though, any that limit Mr Johnson’s personal powers to do whatever the hell he likes, regardless of the consequences for peasants. Like a marriage vow, they’ve got to go.”

The surprising announcement has shocked many, both at home and abroad.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about?” the spokesman continued, “Vote Leave broke the law and the law lost. We illegally prorogued parliament and were rewarded with a whopping majority at a GE not long after. What exactly is there to be surprised about?”

While that is a fair comment, as there is nothing to be surprised about, some are still expressing surprise that even the word of the British government is not sacrosanct.

“This is the trouble with everyone thinking we’re British nationalists, as if we give a flying shit about the country’s international reputation. We’re going to run this place like a fiefdom, and have some exceptionally relaxed laws around money. Look at all the horrors perpetrated by various regimes around the world? What do we do? We sell them the means to carry on perpetrating horrors. It’s about time we got into the act at home. And if you don’t like it? We will do more of it. Ha! MPs moaning now when they passed the EU Withdrawal Act and gave us sovereign powers. Fools. Dictator for life now. Nice.”

It’s presumed the international community will react to the UK’s decision in specific and limited ways.

An unnamed representative of the EU had this to say,

“We only sell you a third of your food, chunk of your energy, chemicals to clean your drinking water and your Viagra, but sure piss in our faces all day. Sooner or later we’re going to react in specific and limited ways. I’d say from about 1st January 2021.”

Global Britain, we do things in specific and limited ways, because the people just let us.

Downing Street reveals plan to compensate people who can’t get Covid-19 tests with Spitfire flyby

IS IT A BIRD IS IT A PLANE : DOWNING STREET HAS RESPONDED to LOTO’s unpatriotic criticism of its world beating, ramped up Covid-19 testing regime.

“We will be compensating those people who can not get Covid-19 tests,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, “and it will be patriotic. Just like a long drive through the English countrycide is patriotic.”

What form the patriotic compensation will take isn’t clear.

“It is clear. Fake news media! It will be a Spitfire. Not a Spitfire for everyone of course. That sort of money is only spent on PPE contracts for aides of Liz Truss. It will be a flyby. That’s how we do things in Global Britain.”

One flyby or individual ones for each citizen who has been unable to book a world renowned test?

“A group one clearly. We’re not made of money. People will be given a location, some Union Jack bunting, a signed copy of Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, and asked to drive to the right place at the right time. Much like they would have been had they been able to get a Covid-19 test. In this way they will still feel involved in the patriotic mission to defeat Covid-19.”

What’s the short list of locations under consideration?

“Oh, there’s no short list. This is an example of your government levelling up. As such there’s only one place that could possibly be suitable. And importantly, has the green space required to accommodate hundreds of thousands of people together.”

Banard Castle?

“How did you guess?”

Is this a test?

“Yes. And it’s the only one you’re gonna get.”