I won’t get CV-19, I’ve installed AntiVirus on my computer, says Chris Grayling

Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock have tested positive for coronavirus. But how do you combat a deadly infection sweeping across the nation? The country’s intelligence and security supremo, Chris Grayling, has found a solution.

He has installed software on all his computers to prevent the spread of the much feared coronavirus. “I’ll never get it now!” he says. Intelligent security right there.

“To combat a nasty virus, you need a decent AntiVirus,” claimed Grayling triumphantly. “Seriously, it’s all you need to do! I’ve noticed that people aren’t going to work because of it. Unfortunately it sometimes deletes emails, so just watch out!”

Grayling’s software is rumoured to be the reason that Boris Johnson never saw the email from the Nigerian prince offering 10,000 ventilators in exchange for £2,500 plus his bank details.

With senior ministers coming down with CV-19, it may be that the unique abilities of Chris Grayling will be required.

“I’m ready to take the helm of the ship,” said Grayling, casually waving a takeaway pizza menu in the air. “I’ve already hired a likely looking supplier called Ferry McFerryFace Ferries. If their boats are half as tasty as this Thick Crust Mighty Pepperoni Fiery Feast then we’re in business!”

First in line is First Mate Dominic Raab, a man whose grasp of geography rivals Grayling’s grasp of reality. While Raab is getting ready to take control on the bridge Boris built, brave Sir Dominic Cummings was seen running away.

“He knows Dom Raab doesn’t know his right from his left,” quipped Grayling. “If he ever told him to turn to port, Dom would be chugging back wine like a good’un!”

Grayling suddenly doubled down and started coughing unstoppably, and gasping for breath. In desperation, he reached for his laptop and activated the AntiVirus software. It performed a full scan, and, miraculously, Grayling sat up again, completely cured.

“More pizza, anyone?”

Wetherspoons awarded contract to develop Coronavirus vaccine by Downing Street

The devil finds work for idle hands to do. Fairly maligned beer discounter Tim Martin is at a loose end, since his cheap and cheerless pub chain has been forced to close. As a high profile Brexit supporting businessman, he is the obvious person to develop a coronavirus vaccine.

Within seconds of the announcement being made, social media platforms went into meltdown like a small girl being told to eat her vegetables. Prominent immunologists, virologists and other ologists complained that their expertise and R&D work had been passed over in favour of a publican who resembles the Cowardly Lion after a heavy night in ‘Spoons.

In the interests of balanced reporting, a group of former Wetherspoons drinkers have gathered outside the now closed drinking den, in solidarity with Martin. Red-faced, coughing unstoppably and short of breath, their taste for industrial alcohol, weapons grade tobacco and messages on beer mats makes them even more toxic than the virus. The police have created a two metre exclusion zone around them for the safety of anyone whose necessary journey takes them past the old gin palace.

Insiders reveal that the formula for the vaccine is being extracted from the residue found in his rarely cleaned pub carpets. Old, dirty and downtrodden, Wetherspoons drinkers are to be found throughout the UK.

But where there’s muck, there’s a brass neck. Tarting up rubbish and selling it to a gullible population is the modus operandi of Brexit and its promoters. Ego trumps expertise, and Trump’s ego trumps everything else. Expect the POTUS to be hailing ‘Spoons’ Floor Standard as a miracle cure any day now.

Martin is also selling his pro-herd immunity beer mats as a coronavirus souvenir.

Recovering Wetherspoons drinkers are rumoured to be selling their redundant hazmat suits for ten toilet rolls and half a dozen eggs.

And reassuringly, Martin has made a short video in which he consoles the workers he callously fired after the shutdown. “Alcohol is the answer,” he burbles, knocking back a glass of the finest French cognac. “F*@# knows what the question was. Bottoms up!”

Downing Street gives contract to make 10,000 hoovers to British ventilator manufacturer

REINVENTING THE WHEEL AFTER THE ROAD RACE HAS STARTED : DOWNING STREET IS thrilled to announce today that it has settled on which tax exiled billionaire, Brexit supporting businessman to build ventilators.

“After following the findings of the 2016 study into our country’s preparedness to meet a pandemic crisis with a respiratory illness, and ignoring those findings, we have now decided to give a giant contract to make ventilators to a guy that makes vacuum cleaners,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “the chap also makes hand dryers that blast microbes into the faces of users. He’s the perfect fit.”

But while no one should mistake our intent, and we are bloody happy there’s to be more ventilators, regardless of source, as lives will be saved, why an actual British ventilator manufacturer wasn’t asked to mass supply earlier is ticklish.

“Well, they can now make vacuum cleaners and hand dryers,” the 10 Downing Street source shrugged, “design them from scratch like old Dyson. Genius. And given our complete and total mishandling of the Covid-19 crisis, we’re going to have a bloody great big clean up to do afterwards. In fact, the biggest demand will be for brooms and rugs. A lot will have to be swept under a lot of rugs.”

It is hoped that the Dyson brand ventilators won’t need to be hung on a wall to recharge midway through the job.

“At least you can be sure that these are patriotic ventilators made by a British patriot offshoring in Singapore,” the source added, “and not some dodgy continental job, the like of which may have been available if we’d accepted the EU invitation for involvement in their continent wide procurement process.”

Stick a Union Jack on it and breathe in and then breathe out. Let’s just hope Dyson’s redesigned wheel doesn’t suck and is delivered ahead of time.

Government rejects WHO advice to treat covid-19 with a sonic screwdriver

Trust me, I’m a doctor: unless you are a government which prides itself on ignoring experts. Especially since this particular Doctor saves the world single handedly every week armed with nothing more than a sonic screwdriver.

There are several factors behind the rejection, apart from a reluctance to take advice from people cleverer than themselves. First, the Doctor isn’t English, despite the accent and the eccentricity. Then there’s the fact of having two hearts, which is two more than the government generally likes their advisors to have. And of course the Doctor is currently a black woman.

“We aren’t racist, but we can’t afford to piss off Daily Mail readers,” explained a government ‘source’ in a shifty manner. “They are the lifeblood of our popular support, and that democracy is the second most important factor in this pandemic.”

The most important being that the population needs to be kept safe and has access to top quality health care.

“No, keeping the economy on its feet is our number one priority,” said the source. “You know what it looks like when some alien ‘expert’ flies in, steps out of a shabby blue box and solves everything with some well chosen words and a few buzzes of a sonic screwdriver?”

You should be grateful. Somebody cares enough to save the people from themselves.

“It makes us look weak and incompetent,” insisted the source. “This Doctor – who has no qualifications recognised by English hospitals – uses unproven equipment and doesn’t follow procedure. Has anyone ever seen the Doctor washing her hands?”

Well no, it doesn’t make good, fast moving television, does it? But that’s not the point. The Doctor gets results every time. We could learn a lot from her.

“She talks like a socialist, always going on about how brilliant people can be,” grumbled the source. “And socialism is wrong, even when it’s right!”

It’s a position to die for.

UK not in EU medical schemes because UK Gov will do “whatever it takes” to beat Covid-19, but it won’t do that

MEATLOAF AS A FORM OF GOVERNMENT : THE UK GOVERNMENT has put itself behind the national shield wall and faced the threat from the invading Coronavirus, and pledged to do “whatever it takes” to beat the virus.

“In terms of our efforts we’re practicing social distancing,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “we’ve told people to stay home, but not those people. We’ve told our NHS staff they’ll have all the resources and equipment they need, so long as they pop along to B&Q before their shift and buy their own PPE. It goes on like this. Our efforts are socially distanced from each other. There’s still plenty of room for CV-19 to waltz right through. But we’re not practicing ‘herd immunity’ still. Well, not officially, maybe by default?”

But what about criticism that the UK government is refusing to participate in EU procurement schemes to buy ventilators, protective gear for hospital staff or Coronavirus testing kits?

“Well, we’ll do anything to beat Coronavirus and save the lives of British citizens, but we won’t do that. It may save time, money and lives to do it but it would undermine Brexit. We have to look to the future. And everyone knows that a British built ventilator is the only one that can move British oxygen in and about of British lungs. Foreign chaps and their machines can’t do that.”

Well that’s all perfectly sensible. I’m sure if you held a referendum on the strategy you’d get the support of a majority. What snappy title have you given it?

“Meatloaf,” the source replied, “we’ll do anything to beat Coronavirus, but we won’t do that.”

Government confirms reduced train services are overcrowded to keep a feeling of normality

WHATEVER IT TAKES : Downing Street has shed new light today on the measures being taken to combat CV19.

Following on from the Prime Minister’s impersonation of someone who gives a toss last night, a Downing Street ‘source’ has answered questions regarding overcrowding on train services in and out of London.

“These are key workers travelling to key work,” the source shrugged, “it’s key we keep them moving and we’ll do whatever it takes. Just today I read about a nurse who had to travel from Zone 4 to Zone 1 to work in a hospital. You don’t want her to feel all alone? Like the world is ending. Do you?”

But that’s precisely how people need to feel at the moment, surely? Especially on mass transport. In order to feel confident they’re being protected as they put themselves on the line for all of us.

“That’s why we’re running a much reduced service.”

But you’re turning train services into superspreaders? Potentially? Aren’t you? Especially now as the disease is growing at a frightening exponential.

By reducing the services available, people are jamming in together. It’s horrifying. What about running a normal time table and scaling it back to what’s required to provide both transport and social distancing in transit?

“You mean like think ahead and sensibly calibrate the service? Show a minimum of competence?”

Exactly. Phew.

“I’m not too sure about that,” the source scowled, “by running a reduced service for people, forcing them to jam in next to each other, by doing that we are keeping a feeling on the trains of business as usual.”

Wetherspoons announces 14 day lock-in

Die another day: Britain’s favourite cheap as chips Brexit peddling pub chain has refused to close its doors. Instead, anyone who finds themselves inside a Wetherspoons this week will not be allowed out until the 14 day quarantine period has elapsed.

Lovers of budget bitter and generic lager will be in clover. Elbows will be exercised and spleens vented until a fortnight has elapsed, or punters succumb to food and/or alcohol poisoning, whichever happens first.

It’s the lock-in to beat all lock-ins. Customers unwilling to change their lifestyles one iota to help out their fellow human being will be isolated, with only soggy chips and Martin’s Old Ditchwater for sustenance. If they aren’t gammon faced numpties with the IQ of a baked potato now, they certainly will be by the time they emerge.

This is all because the unrepentant Mr Wetherspoons himself, Tim Martin, is refusing to accept government advice. Pay minimum wage? Have soap in the toilets? Serve good quality food and drink? Close down to prevent coronavirus spreading? Nah. The shock haired, tiny faced, self appointed expert in everything knows better.

In fact he is so confident in himself that he is demanding a government post. But which one? For imposing a 14 day lock-in on vulnerable members of society, he should be the Health Secretary, replacing whichever half-arsed placeholder is currently tasked with selling off the NHS.

“I don’t see why I should have to join in with this closure business,” grumbled Martin to LCD Views’ Fly On The Wall correspondent (a real fly with a miniature recording device strapped to his back). “My profits come from the free movement of people – oh shit, what am I saying?! People should be free to move from stool to stool, like a fly, see what I did there? And to the bar for another dirt cheap pint. But that’s it. This is why I have imposed a lock-in. Why am I talking to an insect? Buzz off!”

Next week: Wetherspoons changes core business to mortuary services.

Boris Johnson – “no lockdown until I’m less popular than Coronavirus”

LAST MAN STANDING : Britons puzzled why their government is so reluctant to lockdown the country have received welcome explanation toady direct from the heart of government.

Speaking directly to LCD Views, and keeping a socially respectful distance (imaginary sources are excellent at social distancing), a Downing Street ‘source’ outlined the thinking.

“Well, clearly we’re still doing herd immunity as the Covid-19 policy. Just not officially. But until we legally impose restrictions it’s the policy by default. You know the one? Let it sweep through the population? Build up herd immunity to a virus from a class humans have never built up herd immunity to without a vaccine. That’s the policy.”

But surely we should look to the example of countries that didn’t have our advantage of time lag? What did they get right? What did they get wrong?

“Foreign chaps? What could foreign chaps possibly teach Britons about a virus? A blue passport and a commemorative Brexit 50p is all the protection you need against a killer cold.”

Is it your hope then that people who exploded out of London at the end of last week are carrying those special talismans with them?

“Yes. Covid-19 is now in all nooks and crannies of the UK. Excellent work. More than a few pensioners will die now. It’s very exciting, running your approach to a pandemic crisis in the same way we dealt with Brexit. Triangulate. Rumour. Counter rumour. Vague suggestions. Contradictory information. We’ll get Covid-19 delivered.”

But surely, given we’re two weeks behind Italy, and Italy is a scene of terrible humanitarian crisis, we need to lockdown now. We should have locked down with other countries did.

“Stop the party? No. No. Mr Johnson doesn’t want to be the stick in the mud that stops the music playing. That’s not his style. He wants to be loved. He wants to be popular.”

So the devastating mismanagement of Coronavirus is just Boris being Boris?

“Exciting isn’t it? Herd immunity. It’s still the policy. Just not officially.”

Parents worried they’re crap at home schooling reminded lack of education didn’t stop Donald Trump

CURRICULUM COVFEFE : THERE’S GOING TO BE A LOT OF GUILT GOING AROUND THE HOMES OF THE UK, and other countries, for some time now, as people turn to the task of home schooling their children.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” our Education Matters correspondent shrugs, “look at President Donald Trump? He can barely string two words together. Can’t spell. Can’t do maths with anything approaching credibility. Certainly doesn’t do reading comprehension. Doesn’t do reading! And he’s President of the United States? Lack of education is no barrier to success.”

But what of the worry worts, how to best help them design a home schooling schedule, at least a minimum of what matters?

“I’d focus on television. How to use a remote control. Especially how to find one if it’s missing. Also ordering food while in bed. Clearly a vital skill. I think you’ll find if you set your children the exercise of sitting up in bed screaming ‘I WANT A BURGER! WHERE’S THE REMOTE? WHY ARE YOU ALL SO FFFING USELESS?!’. Most kids will score 10/10, just like Trump.”

What if you don’t have a TV and haven’t stockpiled burgers in the freezer?

“Then you need to get the kids building a wall. Take some of the bricks lying about the yard and get them building it. Make sure they hate their neighbours. Also a vital skill.”

But why such a US focused curriculum? The example of the UK suggests that an Eton education can also help children rise to the very top. What should British parents focus on? How to be a toast rack?

“Oh, that’s exactly the same. Doesn’t matter how thick you are, doesn’t matter how hard you work, you just need to ensure you’re born with a massive inheritance. Home schooling is a piece of cake if you plan ahead.”

UK advised to learn lessons of WW2 and change shit prime minister for a good one at start of extended crisis

BLITZING THE UNAVOIDABLE SHITMINSTER : THE UNITED KINGDOM has received some much needed advice today from Reality, which stopped by to have a world.

“I see you’re in a crisis about the Coronavirus crisis,” Mr Reality stated, nodding soberly.

We are. Nice of you to stop by. What would you like to tell our audience?

“You’ve such a fetishisation in certain demographics of population and media for WW2. I’m surprised you are taking so long to work out one of the key lessons that the period offers. So far as early crisis management goes.”

Which is?

“When you’re entering an extended crisis, which is now inevitable due to the poor decisions of the current government, the first thing you need to ensure is new, sound leadership.”

We have a government.

“I didn’t say you didn’t have a government.”

It’s just that they don’t appear sound.

“They don’t, do they.”

So what should we do?

“What did they do in WW2? What did Neville Chamberlain do?”

He found his political support evaporating and he stood down. Winston Churchill took over as prime minister with cross party support.

“What should Boris Johnson do?”

Well, judging only by the Sunday papers he’s hanging Cummings out to dry.

“He should go with him. Then you lot should form a government of national unity, cross party, with a credible prime minister leading it. One with an attention span greater than a gnat’s.”

Then what?

“If you choose wisely, they’ll know what to do. But I’d start by listening to the WHO.”

Nerr, I’ve gone off them since Daltrey revealed himself as a kipper.

“The World Health Organisation, you wally.”

“Roger that.”

Roger who?

Roger that. Listen to the World Health Organisation and not Dom.