Track & Trace asked to locate Priti Patel after she goes missing along with 400K criminal files

HARD TARGET : World famous human bloodhound Dido Harding is facing her greatest challenge yet today after being tasked with tracking down notorious Home Secretary Priti Patel.

“With the skills Dido Harding has displayed supplanting the pointless public health experts in the job of pandemic contract tracing, finding Ms Patel should be a cinch,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “It will be cheap too. It’s anticipated that she will only need to transfer an additional £22 billion to private contractors to help in the search.”

And the search is weighed down with even greater urgency as not only has Ms Patel gone missing from the House of Commons, but so too 400,000 criminal records.

“No one is suggesting that the disappearance of Ms Patel from scrutiny in the Mother of Parliaments and the fact potentially dozens of Tory MPs and their donors are now resting easy is in anyway connected.”

Whether or not Ms Patel wants to be found is also an important known unknown.

“If Dido is smart she’ll organise a sting to flush Ms Patel out of hiding. I would think a mock graduation of asylum seekers as anti-terror police will bring Patel flying out of the woodwork. Those are two things she is dead against. I think three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand graduating will do it. It’s a magic number in Patel’s numberverse.”

And finding that many asylum seekers should be no problem for Harding at all.

“There’s sufficient people locked up in cold camps down in Kent. Just hearing the rusty gate creak open should bring Patel out of concealment in a frenzy. And maybe the criminal files can be found after.”

Scottish fishermen drive to London to “flex their mussels”

PRAWNS IN A BIGGER GAME: Brexit bollocksed fisherman have driven to London in protest. Trade is floundering as their catches are caught up in a net of red tape. 

Many are claiming that they are only flexing their mussels. New export rules brought in at the last minute have not been whelk-omed. They make it almost impossible to sell mussels to Brussels. 

“We have been given the fish finger by the government,” said fisherman Rod Andline, crabbily. “Our catches have a short shelf life. If we can’t get it to market within a day, it’s worthless. Now it’s all tied up in loads of complicated paperwork. Nobody warned us about this! I don’t think the Brexiters who used us as a totem would recognise a fish if John Cleese slapped them into Teddington Lock with one.”

There is weeping and whaling beneath the anger. 

“I’ve spent all my life at sea,” said Andline. “Now it looks like my business will be swimming with the fishes. I’m completely battered by the stupidity of the situation. I’ve had my chips. It’s a wrap, with salt, vinegar, and mushy peas.”

The porpoise of the Rules of Origin is to determine whether you are catching happy British Fish, or miserable foreign ones. 

“If only they came out of the water grinning and waving a Union Jack,” observed Andline. “Now that would warm the cockles. Ever asked a lobster where it was born? There’s always a get-out claws. Every catch is now a catch-22.”

What’s your plan now? 

“I’m going to drop off a large load of nice fresh langoustines at Number Ten for Boris Johnson,” replied Andline. “At least, they were fresh when I caught them last week. Then I’m going to set up a shell company and make a net profit.” 

Fishing for compliments? 

“No, administration,” admitted Andline. “There’s money in them there customs clearance forms!” 

And a final message for Johnson and his team? 

“So long, and thanks for all the fish.” 

Downing Street confirms all statues of British slavers have received both CV-19 vaccine “jabs”

CULTURE WAR! UH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR : THE RACE TO PARTIALLY VACCINATE THE UK IS ON, and it’s important that no one is forgotten.

To this end Downing Street are getting their priorities right, as supplies of the vaccine are currently limited, so now that the most famous pandemic rule breaker, Stanley Johnson, is fully jabbed up, it’s time to protect other historical relics.

“We need to protect our history from those who would properly understand it,” an aide to Robert Jenrick, Secretary of State for Pork Barrelling, told LCD Views. “To this end we are straining every sinew to protect the statues of famous British slavers. Every though they don’t have any sinews themselves.”

While the vaccine roll out itself is going ahead well, because it’s being done by the NHS, with some measure of political interference, the task of vaccinating the statues has been left to the experts.

“It wasn’t easy to find a Tory donor to give the statue vaccination contract to, but in the end we did, we found several of them. All have received multi-million pound contracts and all are rolling in it.”

And thanks to the fast actions of government the statues will now be safe from the virus as it is today, and whatever it inevitably mutates into tomorrow as the government stuffs about in the pandemic.

“Protecting our history has never been more important,” the aide adds. “Especially in the current climate when we are busy rewriting it. If the slaver’s statues topple, calls for reparations may follow, and we won’t stand for it in bronze or marble.”

50 Melania Trump lookalikes to join US unemployment stats from Wednesday

YOU’RE FIRED : WHILE THERE APPEAR TO BE SOME WINNERS emerging out of the US political matrix, following their general election last year, not everyone is looking forward to a great year.

And one group of performance artists in particular are staring down the barrel of unemployment for the rest of 2021.

“Melania Trump lookalikes are heading for the welfare queues,” our White House correspondent notes, “it’s unlikely Donald Trump will make good the most recent invoices, and that’s a shame. Bigly.”

The cast of lookalikes playing the first lady has swollen over the last couple of years as the actual First Lady devoted more and more time to ripping out trees planted by her predecessors.

“Even while the pandemic has caused a downturn in the performing arts, those canny artists who specialised in Melania sailed through 2020 only seeing their working hours increase. To play a Melania is a niche talent which involves not moving any facial muscles at all, accept for one brief grimace each performance. Some would say that is too shallow a pool of talent, but it perfectly mirrors the exact skills needed by the real Melania to keep Donald happy whatever he demands.”

But industry experts are keen to point out that the downturn will be only temporary.

A top US actors agency told LCD Views – “The Melania’s should all stay active and in training. Probably get some voice coaching too. Once the pandemic is over there will be dozens of Trump bios and re-imaginings going into production and being a fake Melania will again be a golden meal ticket.”

VAT slashed off UNION JACKS to make British patriotism cheapest of all

WAVE YOUR WILLY JACK PROUDLY : WHILE many areas of the British economy are suffering from the “teething problems” of Brexit, one area of traditional Chinese manufacturing for export into the UK market is only seeing an upturn.

“The fetish for British politicians to wave the Union Jack has become a full blown psychosis,” our patriotism correspondent reports proudly. “What better retreat is there mentally? We’re in a self-created, national crisis. Both main English political parties pushed it into being. Both voted for it as collectives. Flag waving will now fix it! Everyone is at it!”

To assist MPs in leading the way it believed the Prime Minister is considering placing an order with famous patriot Nigel Farage’s tailor for 650 Union Jack suits.

But while MPs have their flags (and often suits) gifted to them, or can claim them on expenses, not everyone is so instinctively patriotic.

“The Chancellor is being urged to slash VAT off Union Jack flags so that the whole country can get involved. And further measures, such as legislation to force everyone with a front garden to install a pole, are being considered.”

There is no problem a simple bit of flag shagging can’t fix. You have to appeal to people’s core strengths when you deliberately engineer a national crisis in the service of disaster capitalism.

And the move to slash VAT off Union Jacks will not leave a hole in the exchequer.

“The VAT on the flags the Scots and Welsh like to wave about will be going up by at least 10,000%. Oh, and the Cornish one. That too. Just to be on the safe side.”

I told you Brexit was a stupid idea, but nobody listened to me, says Nigel Farage

PROFITS OF DOOM: Former UKIP and Brexit party stalwart Nigel Farage is just the latest Brexit pusher to attempt to rewrite history. Farage is now trying to claim that the whole thing was a bad idea, and nothing to do with him, honest, guv.

It is remarkable that, only a fortnight into Brexit proper, that Brexiters are falling over themselves to disassociate themselves from Brexit. You would have thought that they knew exactly what they were voting for.

But the outstanding figure is Farage. Many rank-and-file Tories will use the “I was only following orders” defence. Farage has no such luxury. He has forged an entire career out of Brexit, and is now effectively cancelling himself.

“This is a betrayal of Brexit, The British People, well 17.4m of them anyway, The Queen, and the Great British Fish!” said the man himself from his flag-festooned man cave. “I told you so, many times, that this wasn’t Brexit, and that any Brexit was an idiotic notion. But nobody listened. The media didn’t give me the time to argue my case!”

So endless newspaper columns, his own radio show, and a permanent seat on the panel of the long-running weekly BBC flagship satirical show, Question Time, wasn’t enough?

“Nobody realised that I was actually campaigning for closer ties to the EU!” moaned Farage. “Why do you think I became an MEP? The Brexit thing was all a joke, all those pathetic stunts with fish, the rallies and abortive marches which only attracted a handful of idiots? Wasn’t it obvious?”

Yet you formed the Brexit Party to push Brexit.

“And how many seats did we win? None. As usual. I’ve never won,” he said, although whether boasting or complaining wasn’t apparent. “It was obvious Brexit was a non-starter from the start, I made my point, but nobody realised I was only joking!”

And on that note, he mounted his unicorn and galloped back to the sunlit uplands.

Priti Patel to give everyone in U.K. a criminal record to make up for criminal records loss

CARRY ON SMIRKIN’ : Home Office supremo Priti Patel has reportedly come up with a solution to the embarrassing loss of 400,000 criminal records by her department.

It was feared that the irrepressible Home Secretary could be in a spot of bother, having been responsible for the potential ruining of masses of trials, but she’s too nimble for that.

“Crisis is opportunity,” a Home Office source told LCD Views, “which is exactly what you expect with an ongoing disaster capitalist government.”

And it seems the loss of the records, which is in no way deliberate, is just the chance Ms Patel was seeking.

“She’s going to give everyone in the United Kingdom a criminal record,” the source continues, “that will make up for the loss of the records. Excepting Tory MPs of course, as they’re perpetually immune from any consequence.”

And there’s an added benefit to the criminalising of the entire U.K. population.

“It will mean all foreign born U.K. residents will now be criminals and thus immediately deported. It’s basically perfect. Ms Patel just can’t wipe the smirk off her face.”

It will also mean that all opposition politicians and activists will be criminals, which will accelerate aspects of the Brexit project.

“Losing the records isn’t an accident, it’s a masterpiece of policy formulation.”

And it has apparently lead to a whole new slogan for the Home Office.

Priti Patel – tough on crime, tough on the records of crime.

Brand new political party called The I F#@king Told You So Party attracts 73% support from the public, according to latest polls

TWENTY TWENTY-ONE HINDSIGHT: The many Brexit dividends are coming to light at last. A new political movement has sprung up in response: The I F#@king Told You So Party. 

Patriots from across the political spectrum, excluding the still-blinkered Farageists, have rushed to join. After all, the only way to beat a single issue party is to form a zero issue party. 

Almost unbelievably, the new party has captivated almost three quarters of the public, according to a snap poll by YouDiv. The pollsters report a tangible sense of relief. 

“I’m happy that there is a party that expresses my feelings at last,” remarked a relieved Prudence Physcally. “I, and many other people I know, predicted the public sector squeeze and the huge payouts to Tory donors. This new party validates my sense of outrage.” 

“I knew that the fishing issue was a red herring,” claims maritime expert John Dory. “From that idiot Farage’s stunts to Jacob Rees-Mogg trolling us about ‘happy fish’. They can all get in the sea!” 

“It was obvious that the government has no interest in public health,” grumbled a coughing Vi Rallinfectiion. “There was never an extra £350m a week for the NHS, and total inaction when covid hit. I would love to wash my hands of them!” 

Almost everyone polled had a similar story. 

“I was hearing this message night and day,” said The I F#@king Told You So Party leader Faye Sparm. “The conventional parties have lost their appeal. Farage has lost his relevance. The People have nowhere to turn. We don’t even need policies. All we need to do is respond to the news by saying I F#@king Told You So.”

Sparm also has a plan for when (not if) her party gets into power. 

“What Would Boris Do?” Sparm explained. “Then immediately do the exact opposite of that. That’s the long and short of it.” 

Don’t say you weren’t warned. Say I F#@king Told You So. 

British fishing industry reminded people voted for Boris Johnson because he made them laugh

HAVE I GOT ROTTING FISH FOR YOU : The media is full of reports for days of British fish dying happily because they know they’ll rot on a British dock.

But it’s not just the fish that are dying, it appears great swathes of the industry itself is laying on the dock gasping and flapping about.

The impact of the fishing industry is of course completely unexpected.

What use a shoals of trade experts warning of ruin when world famous trade expert Nigel Farage said otherwise? Who needs to research such credible claims from such august public figures?

People have, after all, had quite enough of experts. They want dark money funded bigots to confirm their biases and encourage their greed instead.

“But it’s not just Farage, Prime Minister Johnson deserves due praise indeed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You know Mr Johnson? Boris? He’s the guy in that Tory party conference film who refuses to shake hands with the black attendees in a line up.”

Mr Johnson, famous clown, amateur rugby player, father to uncounted children and poster boy of Brexit. He did it all with a smirk and eye catching stunts. And he promised the world. And he made voters laugh.

“It is his world beating ability to entertain that makes him a box office draw at the ballot box,” the insider adds, “who needs those boring politicians who drone on about reality when you can watch a big kid in a hard hat smash down some polystyrene boxes with a forklift! What a hoot!”

But now it seems the laughing is dying away, just like the industry Brexit promised to promote.

British fishermen should take solace,” the source reminds us. “Their industry may lose countless small traders, but before we got to this point millions had a good old laugh at Boris. Al to his friends. No. No. Not you fisherman. To you he’ll always be Boris.”

Katie Hopkins announced as new leader of The Conservative Party

HATEKINS GONNA HATE : INVIGORATING NEWS FOR BOTH FAUX PATRIOTS AND OUTRAGE MERCHANTS TODAY, as the Conservative Party takes a bold step in the same direction.

“We are delighted to announce that global superstar Katie Hopkins is to assume the leadership of our party,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The news will come as a shock for many though, who had anticipated Ms Hopkins taking on the mantle of joint leader of Nigel Farage’s new party. But it seems Mr Farage doesn’t need any help shouting at small boats, and ruining the fishing industry.

Further speculation that Ms Hopkins was to accept the job of creative director for Parler is clearly also incorrect, as Parler has ceased to be.

“Ms Hopkins brings a wealth of experience in establishing false narratives in the public domain and will build on the work of her predecessor Boris Johnson.”

Earlier media reports had suggested that Ms Hopkins was to become leader of UKIP, the first in ten leaders expected this year alone, but they appear to have been fake news.

“I will correct you there,” the Downing Street source admonished, “UKIP is the policy engine of the Conservative Party, and given their support of Brexit, a bafflingly sizeable chunk of the official opposition’s policy bandwidth. So to assume the leadership of UKIP is to assume the leadership of the Tories and the country.”