‪Westminster to vote tomorrow whether or not to make Sturgeon President of the Scottish Republic‬

UK GONNA NEED A NEW FLAG : Former British colonies, now independent countries, around the world are waiting for the result of events in the House of Commons tomorrow with bated breath.

“Australia, New Zealand and a bunch of other places no run of the mill Brexiter has even heard about maybe set to decide on what their flag looks like in the future,” our Unseen Ramifications correspondent says, “if the English MPs in Westminster vote to take the Union Jack and shred it. Does Australia keep the Jack in the top left corner? Does New Zealand? Only by doing Brexit can Brexit MPs find out.”

But it’s not just the flags of land masses that didn’t exist, before an Englishman unzipped his drawers against a weird tree, that are waiting to see how things play out.

“Clearly it’s a big vote for SNP star Nicola Sturgeon,” our correspondent continues, putting on their PLAIN AS THE NOSE ON YOUR FACE CORRESPONDENT hat, “will she become the first President of the Republic of Scotland? Will Boris Johnson be that gift horse? You know she won’t look twice in his mouth. She probably won’t even look once if the arrogance of English exceptionalism says, on your way Scotland, wahey!”

She’s played a canny game alright. Politically placing the interests of the entire union first and foremost till now, in a display of maturity few have matched. But it’s a win win of course in that sense. No Brexit and Scotland’s economy and place in the EU is safeguarded. Brexit happens and Scotland as an independent country rapidly joining the EU seems guaranteed.

“At least we can feel fairly certain what the Scottish flag will look like if Brexit happens. So too the Welsh, and eventually the Cornish.”

Will the English run a competition to choose theirs or just go with the Saint George cross and argue about it with Georgia?

The decisions of MPs tomorrow in Westminster will give us all a clue as to what flies where in the years ahead.

If they vote for Boris Johnson’s “Deal”, with is actually just a Withdrawal Agreement worse than May’s, and a method of wealth transfer from working class to inherited wealth, we may soon find out what flag New Zealand chooses once the Union Jack is just a relic from an age when the sun didn’t know how to set.

The People desperate for an election so they can vote for adults for a change

The People have spoken, and they say they want a general election. They are sick and tired of the current bunch of spineless grown-up children, and want the opportunity to elect some proper adults.

The examples of kids in adult bodies and responsible jobs are many, claims arrested development specialist Si Cologyst. “Take Boris Johnson, for example,” he starts. “Mentally, he never left prep school. He goes through life expecting an indulgent Master to bail him out, and looks forward to a regular six of the best. His mindset is still looking for the chance to sneak out of school, to the girls’ school the other side of town, for furtive entanglements behind the bike sheds.”

But the examples are many. “Mark Francois is still re-enacting all the war movies he was brought up on,” says Cologyst. “Bang bang, you’re dead, you lost, neh neh, my dad’s bigger than your dad, he was in The War you know. Not an original thought in that boy’s head, bless him.”

Meanwhile, Michael Gove continues to drink the cheap cider and smoke the dodgy weed that the bigger boys smuggle in to the common room, in an effort to look cool.

The women are no better, claims Cologyst. “Theresa May, for example, still acts like the junior prefect she once was,” he says. “She demonstrates, every time she speaks, why she was only ever a junior prefect. And Liz Truss still sneaks out of school to meet up with boys and persuade them to do her homework for her.”

The theory is compelling. It explains the existence and prominence of Andrew Bridgen, Nadine Dorries, and countless others, spoilt brats who never learned discipline or responsibility.

So no wonder The People are tired of their whining and squabbling, and would like adults to take over again.

So let’s put the children in detention and bring back the experts. It’s child’s play.

Reality told to stop moaning and get behind Boris

A good deal had been made out of a bad deal. Boris’ deal, a minor variation in Theresa May’s deal, is on the table, but the reality is that Johnson has neither the numbers nor the belief to get it done. Consequently, leading brexiters have been queueing up to tell reality to stop moaning and throw its weight behind Boris.

“Reality gets in the way of this deal, so it must instead get out of the way,” wittered little Dominic Raab on Today. “This moaning, this treacherous reliance on facts and predictions must stop so Brexit can proceed smoothly.”

“You’re so clever, you explain things so well,” purred the BBC presenter. “So, if we ignore reality, what happens next?”

You could almost hear Raab smile. He knew he could now say absolutely anything and get away with it.

In another part of the wood, Michael Gove was polishing his disingenuousness. “This deal protects rights and standards!” he dribbled. “It’s there, if you look hard enough!”

So we looked. It was there, all right, crossed out in red ink and initialed by Johnson. The reality is the exact opposite of what Gove says, as usual.

“Reality needs to stop interfering with what we want to do!” spluttered Gove. “It’s about time reality realised that it lost. It needs to stop complaining, get over it and suck it up. Now excuse me, I need to feed my unicorn.”

Boris’ deal has been created in the image of its maker. It is incoherent, rambling and unreliable. It promises much and delivers sod all. It serves one purpose, and one purpose only: to make Boris Johnson look good. Reality is threatening to prevent that, too.

It is also almost a carbon copy of Theresa May’s deal, and reality is being told to shut up about that as well.

Reality told to stop moaning and get behind Boris. And shaft him royally in the process.

Theresa May ‘disappointed’ that Boris Johnson is taking the credit for her deal

Former Crime Minister, Theresa May, had pronounced herself ‘disappointed’ with Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal. Mostly because it’s her deal but with a tweak or two.

Out goes the dreaded Irish border backstop, to be replaced with something almost identical, but not called a backstop.

The biggest difference is that the front page now reads “My big brand new Brexit deal, by Boris Johnson, aged 55 ⅓”.

“I have to say, I’m deeply disappointed,” remarked May in that once familiar Stephen Hawking meets fingers down a blackboard voice. “Let me be totally clear: this is MY deal, my record breaking thrice rejected deal, and that grinning idiot Johnson is taking the credit.”

The faintest hint of emotion in her robotic speech betrayed just how deeply hurt she was.

But will she vote for what is, after all, her deal, or vote against, out of spite at her successor?

“I’m not revealing that,” she grated. “But let me just say this: a majority in favour of this deal is highly unlikely indeed.”

Arlene Foster and get DUP chumps won’t vote for May 3.1 either, as ditching the original backstop simply throws Northern Ireland further under the bus. NI gets the worst of both worlds, becoming neither part of the UK nor of the EU. Arlene may like to foster sectarian violence, but she won’t encourage it in public. Yet.

The ERG are harder to predict. Their inclination is to bite the hand that feeds them, but this might be their last opportunity to get the Brexit they have demanded for the last 45 years. Or they may instead follow the lead of Nigel Farage.

True to form, Farage has flipflopped. He backed Boris’ deal and 31 October exit right up to the moment it was agreed, before demanding another extension. Who is the true master of Brexit?

Brexit means Brexit. But since nobody can agree whether this is true, Theresa May will probably be disappointed for a very long time.

Strong and stable experiment to run UK on basis of “No one knows what’s happening” goes on another day

DOES DAVID CAMERON HAVE ANY REGRETS YET : Currency speculators are presumed to be feeling very happy with the work of Boris Johnson today as news of a Brexit Deal broke all over twitter.

“Of course immediately after it broke it started to break that maybe it was broken,” our steady hand of governance reports. “which is exactly what is required fo continue the experiment.”

The experiment in question is of course the one in which the UK is run on the basis of no one having any idea what’s going on. Day after day. Week after week. Month after…you get the picture. Or do you?

“The experiment has been producing masses of data day in and day out,” our analyst continues, “most of it false. Most of the accurate information dismissed out of hand by a majority of politicians and commentators. Mostly because that sort of guff, accuracy, directly contravenes the purpose of them running the experiment in the first place.”

And today is expected to produce similar results for the experiment.

“No sooner will Boris Johnson attempt to convince everyone he has agreed a deal with the EU, and breathless MSM reporters begin to parrot the Downing Street line, then we’ll start to see direct contradictions appearing online. By the end of the day no one will be any clearer as to what’s going on. They may not even have a credible idea of what happened hours before.”

And this is the experiment working as hoped by its undertakers.

“He doesn’t have a deal. He has the outline of a deal that has to be agreed at home. It has to hold together on contact with the EU27. It has to be please Trump. No one is allowed to tell the Japanese about it. And so on. So really, regardless of what may or may not establish itself as the day’s narrative. Only one thing remains certain.”

The UK today will be an experiment in no one knowing what’s going on. Especially not the people whose job it is to run it.

UK and EU close to agreeing how hard UK should punch itself in the nuts

CAN YOU FEEL IT : The world watches, mildly distracted by Donald Trump’s letters of insanity, as the sun sets on the English Empire with Little Englanders jumping up and down upon it.

The EU watches, increasingly nonplussed and baffled, as a small clique of UK politicians decide what best serves the bloodthirsty God of Brexit.

What was best for Brexit God yesterday may differ from what is best for Brexit God today. No one else has any say.

Brexit God is an angry God.

Brexit God is a changeable God.

Brexit God is a false idol.

To find out more, we spoke to one of the worshippers.

“Look, we just walk into that room in Brussels and make a little fist,” Littlest Brexit Corporal Francois cries, “shake it really hard in Barnier’s face and then punch ourselves in the knackers! They’ll see what they’re dealing with! We will be an independent country again! Free to punch itself in the balls whenever we like! Till we’re black and blue! We’re the English! We won in 1066 against the Norwegian German axis! We’re exceptional!”

He’s a believer.

But how many believers in Brexit God are there really?

Don’t expect the BBC to find out. Its charter rules it must only do vox pops in towns that voted to punch themselves in the nuts back in 2016. They made High Priest Farage very happy. It has to stay that way.

And other chaplains and vicars of the faith can be heard daily. They say we must do a deal. We can work out the details later. The very MO of Brexit.

How’s that worked out so far?

At least one thing is clear. If the UK and EU do hammer out a last minute dot.com, promises to be broken almost instantly arrangement it will involve a lot of nut punching.

But they’ll be our nuts. And we’ll do the punching. And Brexit God will be watching and smiling.

Brexit : Johnson to sign any old nonsense if it lets him stay PM for five mins longer, just like May before him

STARING INTO POOLS OF WATER AND FINDING YOURSELF BEAUTIFUL : BORIS ‘F BUSINESS’ JOHNSON is said to be on the verge of signing whatever the EU puts before him.

“Any old nonsense will do really,” an aide to the PM told LCD Views, “the key objective is, does it allow him to stay prime minister for five minutes longer? It’s the same criteria May used when she was negotiating her Brexit. Which funnily enough, now looks a lot like Johnson’s Brexit.”

Delivering Brexit is the only thing that matters as the only thing that matters is keeping the support of people who can keep you prime minister because you delivered Brexit. At least for another five minutes.

Johnson has a clear path ahead of him. So simple issues like consequences, intended or otherwise, and complexity over time, are unwanted distractions.

But some have signalled concerns over the way in which the PM is attempting to get Brexit done, regardless of the consequences, and to an arbitrary timetable.

“Those people worry too much about others and their children, and not enough about immediate self-gratification,” the aide retorted, “live life in the moment like Boris does. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Let yesterday be lost in the swirling churn of time. It’s definitely the way to run a country.”

And concerns about what the details of any Deal Boris eventually agrees with the EU, if any, are perhaps vastly over inflated, just like the pound was before it felt the benefits of 3.5 years of pre-Brexit.

“It’s not like he intends to keep any promises,” our analyst observed, “the Brexit deal is like his wedding vows. Something you’re expected to do to get what you want on the day. They don’t mean anything to Boris. And besides, he and the other politicians shoving Brexit down the country’s throat are wealthy enough not to worry about the consequences. So just sit back and be taken for a ride. You’re currently living through history. You should be excited.”

Boris Johnson offers the EU NI, Scotland and Wales in do or die last ditch play for Brexit deal

IT’S NOT JUST ANY CUMMINGS IT’S SHORT CUMMINGS : The kingdoms of Cornwall and Londinium are said to be up in arms today after details of Boris Johnson’s desperate last ditch effort to get a Brexit deal began to leak.

“The only tiny road into Cornwall that Westminster has ever seen fit to build was clogged with protesting Cornish today as the people began a march on Westminster,” our SW Correspondent reports, “those black flags with the white crosses that baffle the people of Surrey visiting their second homes to check if the last AirBnb client left it in good order were seen waving in union as the advance got underway.”

The motivation for the march to the capital appears to be the fact that Mr Johnson has not offered Cornwall on a slab to the EU, while seeing fit to offer up three of the other four nations that used to comprise the United Kingdom.

But it’s not just the Cornish that are upset not to have been included in a hastily redesigned Irish backstop. London is also said to be turning out on the street in a number that even Priti Patel May struggle to contain.

“So too Bristol, Sunderland and Birmingham, York and Salisbury,” our roaming reporter adds, “it seems more than an overwhelming majority of the deteriorating UK are not best pleased to find they will be left behind ruled by the Eton Mess should Mr Johnson agree a deal. And should Parliament be daft enough to pass it.”

There are suggestions that the disparate regions should just declare independence and then offer to form a federation with the top infrequently mentioned people of Gibraltar and the Falklands.

“It’s touch and go if the additional land masses will be enough to get the so far stubborn EU to back down and accept even more UK treasure than already. The automotive, pharmaceutical, aerospace, fintech and fishing sectors have already been forced over by a determined British negotiating team, following the lead set by Brexit Allstar David Davis.

“Although the health and social care sectors have been reserved to flog off to the US post Brexit.”

Whether or not the EU will be weak enough to take everything the Tories force upon them to achieve the aim of making what’s left of the UK isolated, second class European citizens remains to be seen.

“It’s an amazing project Brexit,” our reporter adds, “years of toil, billions in treasure, civil harmony and international reputation all determinedly sacrificed just to be weaker, and with less rights, but to keep some biffers and old Etonians happy.”

It’s a wonder no one has ever tried it before now.

Boris ensures DUP support for his deal by giving them 100 Arcuris

The shock revelation today is that the new unit of political corruption is known as an Arcuri. Boris Johnson has reportedly bunged 100 of them at the DUP to ensure their continued support.

Arlene Foster left Downing Street in a hurry last night. She revealed little of the transaction, but was heard to mutter “It’ll do for now” as she scurried away.

How much is an Arcuri? Some say £126,000. Some reckon, under the metric system, it is more like £100,000. The EU is yet to specify how much of the financial services sector comprises one Arcuri, but it is well known that Brexit Party MEPs salivate at its mention.

The exchange rates are highly volatile. The rates against Sterling and the US Dollar are particularly unstable, going up and down like “Bonking” Boris Johnson’s bottom.

Russia is thinking seriously about replacing the rouble with the Arcuri, in a bid to align themselves better with the Western world.

To clarify the picture, LCD Views’ All Above Board Guv correspondent spoke to financial analyst Curran C. Speculator.

How much is an Arcuri generally agreed to be worth, our correspondent asked.

“How long is a piece of string?” reported Speculator. “It’s as big as you like, and then some. Think of an obscene amount of money, double it, and chuck a couple of zeroes on the end.”

And that is how you calculate it?

“It’s one way,” said Speculator. “Obviously in the USA you have to add a few more zeroes. Think how much it takes to keep the Daily Mail in print for a year. Think how much you have to slip the tax man to not see your offshore accounts. Think how much you have to pay a gobby blonde to keep her trap shut.”

In which case, Jennifer Arcuri should have been paid much more than one Arcuri for her silence.

Nobody knows how much an Arcuri is worth, but it is clearly far too much.

Donald Trump demands his impeachment trial takes place in Russia

FAIR HEARING : World Leader Donald Trump has drawn a Kremlin red line today regarding his impending impeachment.

Taking to Twitter to start his day, as is standard, be he in the Oval Office on the potty, a golf course or making a catastrophic strategic and humanitarian blunder by effectively freeing ISIS and green lighting the slaughter of civilians in Syria, it always involves Twitter.

Initially he tweeted about historical matters regarding the Salem Witch trials, and the associated merchandising opportunities, but he soon got personal.

“Russia! I will stand trial in Russia. If Im Peach and Mint think they can prove I comitteed o fences they have to do it in a neutered court. I want a fare heading. President Putin will ensure I get a good trial. Just the greatest trial. And best of all, it won’t be by fire. That way everyone will stay SAFE.”

But critics have expressed alarm at the demand.

“If he’s found guilty he won’t be happy, even in Russia,” LCD Views’ Whitehouse correspondent said, “the prison terms there tend to be very harsh and confiscating of personal wealth is standard. Also, he’s getting on, I’m not sure he’s up to hard labour in a Siberian prison camp? Surely it would be better that he’s tried at home? He may even be able to cut a plea deal and protect those he cares about most?”

Others however say it’s best he is tried in the home territory of his alleged backers, as they have better access to any information that maybe relevant to the prosecution. Also, there’s no loss of personal wealth to worry about as his money is allegedly not his own anyway.

POOTUS himself seemed to find a silver lining in the building drama though.

“The RATINGS WILL BE ASSTROONOMICAL. Just the greatest TV of ALL TIME. Better TV ratings even than SALE M! USA! USA! OJ and other fruit juices have nothing on me. And they’res NO GlOve to where! MAGA!”

At least he’s right about that. Regardless of where his impeachment trial takes place, the ratings are going to be massive.