HARD TARGET : World famous human bloodhound Dido Harding is facing her greatest challenge yet today after being tasked with tracking down notorious Home Secretary Priti Patel.
“With the skills Dido Harding has displayed supplanting the pointless public health experts in the job of pandemic contract tracing, finding Ms Patel should be a cinch,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “It will be cheap too. It’s anticipated that she will only need to transfer an additional £22 billion to private contractors to help in the search.”
And the search is weighed down with even greater urgency as not only has Ms Patel gone missing from the House of Commons, but so too 400,000 criminal records.
“No one is suggesting that the disappearance of Ms Patel from scrutiny in the Mother of Parliaments and the fact potentially dozens of Tory MPs and their donors are now resting easy is in anyway connected.”
Whether or not Ms Patel wants to be found is also an important known unknown.
“If Dido is smart she’ll organise a sting to flush Ms Patel out of hiding. I would think a mock graduation of asylum seekers as anti-terror police will bring Patel flying out of the woodwork. Those are two things she is dead against. I think three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand graduating will do it. It’s a magic number in Patel’s numberverse.”
And finding that many asylum seekers should be no problem for Harding at all.
“There’s sufficient people locked up in cold camps down in Kent. Just hearing the rusty gate creak open should bring Patel out of concealment in a frenzy. And maybe the criminal files can be found after.”