ONE LIE TO RULE THEM ALL : Middle Earth waits with baited breath today after the announcement that Sauron itself will address all the races at 3pm today.
The surprising move comes after yesterday’s press conference, held by his drunken, captive wizard of bollocks, Boris Saurman Johnson, failed to end a controversy over who exactly is governed by the one ring.
Clearly while the one ring designed to rule them all may have its legal instructions engraved in the metal, it’s just as clear that someone has to wield the power, so how can you expect them to also be subject to it?
What Sauron will say isn’t clear though, as it usually talks directly into the minds of the individuals of any given race it strives to enslave, via their social media.
Those wishing for some fake contrition maybe in for a surprise, after the Eye was heckled mercilessly by hobbits in the street yesterday. Could this have led to a concern about popularity? And the feasibility of finishing off the rule of men while being too much a focus of criticism?
“Sauron did nothing wrong,” Saruman repeated earlier today, “I do not mark it down for raising Orcs from the Earth or the wanton damage it caused to numerous Ents. It was following its instincts as a total genius, super dark lord. It’s not for mortals like you and I to question its actions, even if they did lead to half the world catching fire.”
But others suspect the sudden and surprising Fellowship of The Media, where both the Guardian and Daily Fail are critical of the giant, blazing eye of electoral faecalism and dark money fuelled neoliberalism, may just have spooked the dark master.
The press conference will be held atop the Shard in central London, as that’s felt to be the most familiar feeling place in the lands of men for Sauron to talk from.
It will be taking questions after, but don’t be surprised if the entire event is a celebration of its lies. And whatever you do, don’t look directly at it. Better to view the whole charade from a reflection in a pool of water.