First photo of brain eating amoeba discovered in Florida released

NEUROLOGICAL MATTERS : FEARS OF A RIFT TODAY BETWEEN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITIES OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND GRATE BRITAIN’S UNGRATEFUL COLONY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.

The furore appears to centre on a spat between medical researchers over which country is responsible for a brain eating amoeba currently forcing citizens in Florida to protest against wearing masks in the middle of the Covid-19 panic.

“It’s just like the Spanish Flu,” a representative of the UK’s medical research fraternity said, “it started in America and they pinned it on the Spanish. Well, we’re not letting them pull a fast one with the brain eating amoeba!”

The most obvious stateside example is of course President Donald Trump.

“That’s the amoeba’s greatest success at the moment,” the researcher continued, “to get itself elected the actual President of the United States? That’s a real WTF moment there. Actually it’s the biggliest achievement of any single celled organism except for the Conservatives, I mean the Coronaviruses. Not many people know this, but no single celled creature has ever achieved anything greater. And now look at the UK political landscape? Absolutely riddled with amoeba. The prime minister being the most obvious example, but it’s everywhere.”

But the Americans aren’t taking that lying down.

“Nigel Farage, the UK’s own Amoeba in Chief, famously visited Donald Trump after the Brexit victory in that rigged opinion poll. He carried it over here. Contrary to the claims of the British scientists the amoeba infects people and makes them do insane things. And you don’t have to look anywhere else than the reopening of English pubs in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic to see that the UK government is completely riddled with it. I’d be surprised if there’s a single brain cell left uninfected.”

LCD Views is rightly famous in the field of medical research, especially amoeba, and we can draw a line under this debate right now by stating it’s bloody obvious both countries are currently riddled with it in government, and it doesn’t matter where it started, it matters that it’s ended.

Not a line that’s pleasing the UK’s research community, who simply point to the fact that the first electron x-rays of the creature show Donald Trump.

Fears brain eating amoeba discovered in Florida originated in UK

NEUROLOGICAL MATTERS : FEARS OF A RIFT TODAY BETWEEN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITIES OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND GRATE BRITAIN’S UNGRATEFUL COLONY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.

The furore appears to centre on a spat between medical researchers over which country is responsible for a brain eating amoeba currently forcing citizens in Florida to protest against wearing masks in the middle of the Covid-19 panic.

“It’s just like the Spanish Flu,” a representative of the UK’s medical research fraternity said, “it started in America and they pinned it on the Spanish. Well, we’re not letting them pull a fast one with the brain eating amoeba!”

The most obvious stateside example is of course President Donald Trump.

“That’s the amoeba’s greatest success at the moment,” the researcher continued, “to get itself elected the actual President of the United States? That’s a real WTF moment there. Actually it’s the biggliest achievement of any single celled organism except for the Conservatives, I mean the Coronaviruses. Not many people know this, but no single celled creature has ever achieved anything greater. And now look at the UK political landscape? Absolutely riddled with amoeba. The prime minister being the most obvious example, but it’s everywhere.”

But the Americans aren’t taking that lying down.

“Nigel Farage, the UK’s own Amoeba in Chief, famously visited Donald Trump after the Brexit victory in that rigged opinion poll. He carried it over here. Contrary to the claims of the British scientists the amoeba infects people and makes them do insane things. And you don’t have to look anywhere else than the reopening of English pubs in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic to see that the UK government is completely riddled with it. I’d be surprised if there’s a single brain cell left uninfected.”

LCD Views is rightly famous in the field of medical research, especially amoeba, and we can draw a line under this debate right now by stating it’s bloody obvious both countries are currently riddled with it in government, and it doesn’t matter where it started, it matters that it’s ended.

And we do not welcome our new brain eating amoeba overlords at all.

Super Saturday – Sturgeon declares Scottish independence while everyone in England is at the pub getting Covid

QUICK WHILE THEY’RE NOT LOOKING : NICOLA STURGEON became the first President of the newly created Republic of Scotland today, and got away with it.

“She’s expected to have adopted the Euro and achieved continued EU membership for Scotland by the end of Sunday,” our Brussels’ insider said, “and we suspect even have completed the border wall, with EU funding, between Scotland and England, and begun accepting English ‘remain’ refugees before any English MPs pull their heads out of their brown paper bags long enough to see what’s been going on.”

The timing of the declaration is believed to be down to Ms Sturgeon’s political nous.

“Get why the getting is good, as they say, well not in Scotland, across the pond I think,” our correspondent continues, “Anyone in England minded to resist Scottish independence will be at the pub today anyway. And they need to secure the border before the next wave of Coronavirus takes hold in England.”

Wales is also understood to be ready to universally declare independence from Westminster, and is expected to be joined by NI, The Falklands and Gibraltar when they do, perhaps forming a union of like minded democracies fit for the 21st century.

We did seek comment from Downing Street on the surprising development, but received only a brief note in reply, “As long as no one is talking about the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in the EU Referendum we don’t care. Actually this just helps our plans to turn London into the world money laundering hub, so we’re all for it. And now when English shopkeepers attempt to refuse Scottish money, they’ll finally be justified in doing it!”

Democracy campaigners crowdfund to buy Tory MP

A LITTLE MP TO CALL HOME : Democracy in Global Britain has never looked more secure with the news today that a grassroots campaign called ‘PR Would Be A Good Start’ has taken a leaf out of the Tory donor handbook.

“It’s actually a kickstarter,” Mr Legit told LCD Views, “but the press is reporting it as a crowdfunder. That’s inaccurate. If we’re successful in purchasing a complete Tory MP we expect to make a significant profit on the initial investment, and to reinvest accordingly. My projections are for £108m, minus costs such as brown paper bags and expensive dinners, but that’s just for starters. Even partial ownership of an MP should see us making hay. Our ultimate aim is to change electoral laws and the voting system in England. Maybe even move Westminster to Manchester for six months each year, just for the fun of it.”

And the kickstarter move hasn’t yet caused the sort of kickback one would expect from Tory MPs, in spite of the loose accusation of alleged corruption that naturally goes with it, and them.

“I don’t care who feathers my nest,” Sir Fillme Boots-Swine, told LCD Views, “I’ll lobby for the devil or the angels. The accumulation of money and the sense of power that goes with it is all that matters. And the free bubbles! Ha! You want me to lobby to have environmental regulations strengthened to protect puffins? Fine. I’ll do that just as happily as I’ll lobby say to overturn Green Belt planning laws so you can build a mega-abattoir with US food industry cash. Just give me £20,000 and I’m all yours. Well, on a hourly rate, so about half a day’s work. I’ve got some free time in the diary in September. Let’s get you booked in.”

How the initiative to buy an MP will play out isn’t yet clear, given that the malign interests that already appear to allegedly heavily sponsor MPs have much deeper pockets, but as Mr Legit says, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Cash or cheque?”

Do Over at Dover – “world beating” plans to remodel White Cliffs of Dover released

CLIFF EDGE (GESTURE) POLITICS : While most everyone is at the pub today ordering a pint of bitter and a lungful of Corona, your UK government is still hard at work making Britain grate again.

“We want the French to see with their own eyes that they’re dealing with a resurgent superpower across the ENGLISH Channel,” Tory MP for Complete Prattery, Sir Prat, told LCD Views, “which is why I fully support President Cummings’ plans to remodel the White Cliffs of Dover in the image of his favourite pet dog. Once complete this will be a testing sight for Gallic eyes. Which is in keeping with Cumming’s style of government.”

And the plans are reportedly well advanced, having been sketched out on the back of a fag packet during the night, after a magnum or two of claret.

“We’ve already given a confectionary company, a rat control firm, a stationer and a supplier of niche BDSM party products each a £108m contract to do the stonemasonry.”

But critics of the plan to up-cycle the famous White Cliffs into a ‘world beating’ monument to a political poodle, have begun ramping up their accusations over what they see as a needless waste of public money.

“The so called Do Over at Dover is just a monumental waste of taxpayers money.” See.

A pretty pointless criticism to level, it must be said, in the dawn of Global Britain. It’s what we do now, put taxpayers money into wheelbarrows and tip it over cliffs.

“And the added expense of the rmoured public vote to name the new monument? Why? Just call it Mount Pratfall and be done with it.” Quite.

We are opening the pubs because alcohol kills the virus, says Matt Hancock

FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE: Unhealthy Secretary Matt Hancock has made one of the great intuitive leaps we have come to expect of libertarian regimes. Alcohol kills the virus, the argument goes. Pubs sell alcohol. Therefore opening pubs is a good idea during a viral pandemic.

Thirsty people up and down the country are desperate to escape their other halves and get blind drunk with their mates. Now there’s the added bonus of a miracle cure.

There is a word of caution, though. Hancock took to the airwaves to clarify Boris Johnson’s weak plea not to over indulge.

“The cure works better the more alcohol you consume,” he advised. “Hand sanitiser is about 80% proof. So you need to drink enough to make your blood alcohol level the same strength.”

This is not a problem for the die-hard alcoholics, but what advice does Hancock have for the rest of us?

“Stick to hard spirits,” he said. “No mixers or water or any of that weedy rubbish. Drink it straight, and drink a great deal of it. Do your patriotic duty. Protect the virus, control the NHS, or whatever the fuck this week’s message is. Drink for Britain!”

Alcohol impairs decision making and reduces inhibitions. What measures are being taken to ensure social distancing and sensible consumption?

“Did you not hear?” he said, incredulously. “Going to the pub cures the virus, so there will be no need for social distancing. What is more, our new Pub Tsar, Tim Wetherspoons, will refuse to let anybody leave a pub while they are still capable of doing so.”

Emergency supplies of industrial strength, weapons grade Russian vodka are being made available, in case punters try to leave pubs before sufficient inebriation has occurred.

And although pub toilets will remain closed, every pub will be given a memorial so that satisfied customers may urinate next to it.

BREAKING : Downing Street confirms all pubs to close again exactly two weeks after reopening

WORLD BLATHERING : DOWNING STREET HAS bowed to pressure from the alcohol industry by confirming that the reopening of boozers will last exactly two weeks.

“It allows them to do more planning for the future of their industry than anyone directly impacted by Brexit,” a Downing Street source asserted, “the drinks industry now knows it has exactly fourteen days to stuff the coffers full before the next shutdown.”

Precision of decision making has become a scarce feature of British governance since 2016 and many are heartened to see its return, albeit briefly.

But why fourteen days?

“Well, don’t tell anyone, but between you and me we’ve plucked that out of the hat. But, and this is the important point, the hat is full of precise estimates about the average incubation time between contracting Covid-19 and displaying symptoms. Clearly people are widely known to be infectious before becoming symptomatic, but you can’t please everyone.”

The decision to reopen boozers is part of a multi-pillared Covid-19 strategy that is definitely not aimed at achieving herd immunity in the UK through a combination of wilful disregard of the intrinsic value of people’s lives and the kind of half baked, barely grasped pseudo-science prime minister Cummings is now famous for. It also allows us to pretend we’re still a perfectly normal country, which is a tangible benefit for the tourism industry.

“Let everyone get drunk and act responsibly while they’re at it,” the source added, “alcohol is a famous inhibitor, just ask Mr Johnson. The son or the father. And if you follow the government guidance and head to the pub this weekend you also stand a chance of asking the Holy Ghost. Cheers!”

Priti Patel reportedly confused why everyone else in Europe still has FREEDOM of movement after she ended it

SOME VICTORIES ARE GRATER THAN OTHERS : The UK’s Home Secretary, the disgraced former Secretary for International Development, Priti ‘smirk’ Patel, is reported to be in a highly agitated and confused state today.

The reason for the distress is said to be the result of her leading the charge to end Freedom of Movement in Europe.

“It’s the usually bullying from Brussels,” an aide working closely with Patel told LCD Views, “they are refusing to acknowledge the primacy of British law over the continent. It’s rather pathetic and won’t help them one jot in their mad scramble to get a deal.”

But critics have pointed out that Mrs Patel may feel less confused if she understood the basic reality of what the UK has just ‘achieved’.

“Balderdash. Understanding reality gets in the way of the will of the people,” the addled aide retorted, “Brexit, and thus Brexiters, are happy socially distanced from reality, and have been since the start of the pandemic [of idiocy]. We’ve no intention to change now.”

And they may not change their mindsets, even as they set about dismantling the UK’s place in the 21st century, and indeed the UK.

“Freedom of movement has ended. Europe will just have to accept that, except for the thirty odd other countries that still have it. They can’t just breeze into the UK anymore. They’ll have to satisfy themselves with everywhere else in Europe. See how they like that!”

Definitely a major moment in the Brexit process which will be fully understood by the overwhelmingly majority in the fullness of time. Well, assuming they’re allowed a break in their serfdom sufficiently expansive to allow it.

Global Britons. Staying home. Definitely not just wandering over to Europe. This is what the people wanted. Middle men gobbling up their spending power as they attempt to try and do things they used to do for free.

“It’s all a storm in a teacup anyway,” the aide added, “just wait until Europe sees what we intend to do about the human rights act. The near sexual buzz Brexit MPs now feel at revelling in their engorged power to lord it over poorer Britons. Jealousy won’t be the right word for it.”

Leicester : Long Live The King – Matt Hancock confirms Richard III negative for CV-19

JUST A NORMAL SENSIBLE COUNTRY WITH A SENSIBLE PROACTIVE GOVERNMENT : HEALTH SECRETARY and all round seller of his principles, Matt ‘those men who died on the beaches’ Hancock has given the nation an eagerly awaited update.

Speaking from the crypts of Leicester Cathedral, Yorkshire, Mr Hancock spoke at a podium lit by flashing lights. Taking an envelope from a ‘booth bunny’, fetchingly outfitted like a red cross nurse replete with stockings, Mr Hancock paused dramatically before opening the envelope.

“Whoa, mind the social distancing,” he playfully kidded, while closing in and leaning over the ‘nurse’. The angle of his lean a little too enthusiastic and mildly creepy, but only if you’re a normal, functioning human.

He took several seconds to open the envelope before removing the folded paper inside.

“I hold in my hands the Covid-19 test results for King Richard III,” Mr Hancock said dramatically, a smile spreading across his face like a warm party donation from US private health interests.

“People of Britain, King Richard III has tested negative for Covid-19!”

The bunny jumped for joy and Mr Hancock pressed a hidden button that released balloons and streamers.

“And we can be sure he is negative because we tested his bones 10,000 times in the last week alone,” grin so broad now his teeth looked set to fall out of his mouth, “and that’s what matters. How many tests done, not how many living, breathing humans tested.”

His plan is working.

With a flourish Mr Hancock then held aloft the skull of the long dead King. Staring deeply into the eye sockets like a high school Hamlet.

“Later today I will be accompanying Richard III to Durham to perform the now standard eye test,” he added, “and I think it’s safe to say that will also be negative. As for the rest of the inhabitants of Leicester? You’re to Stay Alert and stay in Leicester. No need to thank me for that.”

Union Jack flag claims British MP is father of its baby “Bunting”

MAKING SWEET SWEET LOVE TO THE FLAG : Mark Francois is facing some difficult questions indoors today after a Union Jack claimed the Essex MP is the father of its tiny baby flags.

“I just want little baby Bunting to know its daddy,” a forlorn, and well shagged looking Union Jack told LCD Views, “Mark said we would be together always and that there was no other flag for him [to shag]. And now, he’s off writing love letters to some continental chap. I feel very confused.”

Whether or not the MP for JesusWeptOMGWhyDoPeopleElectSuchEmbarrassingTwatsOverAndOver will acknowledge the offspring of the shop soiled Union Jack is not yet clear.

“He is so focused on the Potato War with Brussels he doesn’t give himself any time,” the flag sighed, “those furtive moments we shared was the only time he ever really came home to himself.”

It’s also unclear, at this stage, if the mother of so much bunting will attempt to force his hand.

“Oh you never had to force little Mark’s hand,” the flag smirked, “if you know what I mean. Such a passionate man. Say potato in a husky voice and he’s aflame. Engorged. And once he saw me on that pole dancing in the breeze he was like a steam train going into a tunnel all day.”

But whatever Mr Francois may choose to do one thing is clear, the family resemblance between the most patriotic member at Westminster and the string of bunting is undeniable.

“They’re so tiny. So pleased with themselves. So innocent of the realities of the world. Just like their tubby little daddy.”