Lord of the Wrongs: The story of a bad Habbit

Episode 1: The Fellowship of the Wrong

The story begins in a hole. A big, deep, dark hole. And in the hole dwelt a bad Habbit named Nigel Faragollum. His mind was completely enslaved by his Magic Wrong.

The Wrong did not belong to Faragollum. It was the property of the dark lord Sauwrong, but it had been lost for years. Many believed that it would lie buried forever.

However the Wrong was found and taken underground by Faragollum. It was discovered in bizarre fashion by another Habbit, presented to the civilised Shires, and made respectable.

In time, though, minds became poisoned. Faragollum emerged to recover the Wrong. Sauwrong sent his chief lieutenant, the deadly Witch-King Dacre, to retrieve it.

Willbo, of the People of the Shires, was entrusted with the Wrong. He set off, pursued by the phantoms of xenophobia and sovereignty, to get beyond the Mounting Mistakes.

Accompanied by a motley band of wizards, dwarves and other mythical figures, Willbo managed to pass through the Mounting Mistakes. Unfortunately, he lost his most ardent supporter, who fell into a chasm of his own making.

Willbo was also pursued by trolls, unintelligent troglodytes parroting inane slogans. Unexpected relief came when the Lady Theresa and her ineffective husband gave the Wrong a break. Willbo emerged refreshed, and the Lady distributed gifts worth £10bn.

He then had to take the Wrong up the river without a paddle.

Faragollum followed Willbo wherever he went, desperately trying to recover his precious Wrong, but without success.

Eventually, and at his wits’ end, Willbo decided to do the right thing. He abandoned his illusory friends, and set off to destroy the Great Wrong with which he had been entrusted.

We remember the words of the prophet Camewrong echoing down the ages:

One vote to rule them all, one vote to bind them

One vote to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

In the land of Westminster where the ministers lie.

 

Episode Two: The Two Powers to follow…

Theresa May to urge the British people to unite behind a shared sense of amnesia tomorrow

LCD Views can report with breathless excitement that British prime minister, Theresa May, is to play to her weaknesses tomorrow when she gives another in a series of visionary speeches about Brexit.

“She’s going to talk about what she wants from the negotiations with the EU,” A Dalek, speechwriter for the PM told us, “and she’s going to not talk about what she wants from the negotiations with the EU.”

Is this because what she wants is clearly insane?

“Well, put it this way, have you seen all the videos of her campaigning for Remain in the referendum, and explaining rationally all the foreseeable negative consequences of voting to Leave?”

Yes. They keep getting shared on social media.

“That’s unfortunate. Theresa is increasingly baffled and desperate for a magic bullet solution. Theresa will urge the British people to unite behind a shared sense of amnesia tomorrow.”

So what weaknesses will she play to?

“Oxymoronic catchphrases are a definite.”

Exactly.

“An ability to appear overly emotional when dealing with subjects that are having a serious negative impact on people’s lives.”

I’m not sure that’s accurate?

“Traitor.”

Is this how we’re doing things now?

“Are you undemocratically attempting to have an ongoing political discussion on the ramifications of getting a decision wrong that will last for generations, and is based on a narrow win in an arguably gerrymandered advisory referendum designed solely for internal Tory party politics?”

Yes. It’s called democracy.

“It’s called treason. I bet you question Jeremy Corbyn’s support for Brexit also?”

I do. But we’re talking about Theresa baffled May here.

“So you’re a class traitor yellow Tory who can be blamed for the pandemic of rough sleeping too. How’s your conscience?”

Very good. I believe I am doing the best I can to protect my children and their future by campaigning to keep the UK in the EU.

“You’ll be one of the first against the wall then.”

Is all this going in the speech tomorrow?

“Don’t be silly. These aren’t catchphrases. They’re just the nasty underbelly of Brexit and what will happen to our society if we go through with it. Just like what happens every time a hard right, ideological blind, nightmarish coup takes over a democracy.”

That’s reassuring.

“That’s more like it. You’ll get plenty more reassurance tomorrow too. As well as finally hearing what sort of deal Theresa actually wants with the EU.”

Omg! Really? What is it?

“It’s a nod and a wink kind of deal. Nothing in writing. Like the one from last December that got us to the next stage. You remember it, it was celebrated orgiastically by the tabloids.”

But the EU wrote it down.

“That’s because they’re bullies who are attempting to divide and conquer and annex regions of the UK. We won’t allow that. We’re going to do that to ourselves.”

I’m hoping for some new catchphrases to mock?

“Oh, you’ll get those too. That’s one of Theresa May’s strengths.”

Government advises consumers to eat beans to combat the shortage of gas

The recent spell of cold weather has led even people from Newcastle to put the heating on. Supplies of natural gas have become depleted, and the government needs YOUR help. You are requested to produce your own gas by consuming beans on toast.

The Department for Business, Energy & Industrial Strategy, which made the pronouncement, put forward spokesman Blaise N. Saddles to explain.

“Natural gas is mainly methane, which is produced by decaying organic matter,” said Saddles quickly, before his audience nodded off. “This gets trapped underground, and, years later, may be extracted and burned to keep us all in profit.”

Why, then, are we being advised to eat beans?

“Humans also can produce natural gas,” said Saddles. “Beans promote the production of a vital resource which may then be tapped. This will also help to cover the fact that the privatised energy companies value short-term profits above contingency planning. Add a spoonful of curry powder and a large pinch of salt for maximum effect.”

Consumers are advised to collect the gas in hastily-produced bags. The gas-bags, already dubbed cul-de-sacs by witty linguists, will be given away free with every 24 cans of baked beans purchased.

“It’s recycling at its best!” claimed Saddles. “And it will turn an embarrassing moment into an instance of national pride. Our slogan is, Trump for Britain!”

Meanwhile, the public in LCD’s local supermarket were less than impressed. “Trump for Britain? What a ghastly notion,” said Anna Mazingpump, putting 24 cans of beans into her trolley. ”I mean, can you imagine, walking around with one of them bags on? I’ll have one for my husband though, he could supply the whole street.”

All practicalities to do with feeding this new source of natural gas into the national network have been waved aside by a government obsessed with waving aside the practicalities of Brexit.

More news on this story as we discern which way the wind is blowing.

Nadine Dorries signs up for new reality TV show “I’m an idiot get me out of here”

Great news for those who love their politics with entertainment today with the announcement that Conservative MP for Wonderland, Nadine Dorries, has signed up for the new reality TV show “I’m an idiot get me out of here”.

We spoke to Nadine to learn more about this wonderful new rut for her to plough back and forth, back and forth, deeper and deeper.

“It’s giving me goosebumps,” Nadine began, while stuffing a kitten into a sack, “my only concern is that I might miss some of the small animal sacrifices at the weekly ERG Whatsapp group meeting.”

Filming on the series has already begun, which came as a surprise to Nadine.

“What? You mean I’m already starring in it? I hadn’t realised. Oh wow.”

You didn’t realise it was a fly on the wall documentary about your day to day routine?

“No. I thought it would be like when I starred in ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of her’, you know, first class travel to an island paradise. So I don’t have to do anything extra?”

Nadine, with your tweet last night calling John Major a traitor, you’ve built so high on your earlier work calling for the UK to leave the customs union, because you couldn’t understand how it works, that you really don’t need to do anything else but stand down as an MP and begin a professional twitter career like Katie Hopkins.

“Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret,” Nadine said, “I’ve been approached by a little community activist group headed by this very stern, but impressive, figure calling himself Oswald. They want me to be their poster girl.”

Again Nadine, with your recent work, you are already doing that too.

“Oh goodie! I’m just a little old servant to the will of the people.”

And we know where that work leads. Don’t we Nadine? We have history to guide us.

“What’s history?”

Enjoy the ongoing reality show.

“What’s reality?”

Thanks Nadine and so long for now.

“Who’s Nadine? What is a Nadine?”

A very good question indeed. You are what you tweet Nadine. You are what you tweet.

Once you’ve made your brexit bed you can only lie in it

“pssst, pssst Liam over here…………”

“What is it Boris, i’ve got to catch another flight to sign a fictitious trade deal with Narnia. So i don’t have much time. You know how big T wants daily trade deal success reports and things have been a bit thin on the ground of late”

“Look, look ! Look what i have bought. I saw one in Farage’s gaff and i said at the time……oh, how… i want one of those.”

“What is it Boris?”

“It’s a Brexit bed, Liam.”

“Well that’s what the picture on the front of the box shows and now all we have to do is put it together….you and me. You said you could sign a trade deal in two weeks and being a doctor, you will have the qualifications to be able to have this made up in a jiffy.”

“Where did you get it from Boris?”

“From Idea out on the outskirts of the EU. They have loadsa stuff when you walk around their massive shop. Except this one seems to have arrived in a big cardboard box.”

“Are their any instructions Boris?”

“Pah!….we don’t need instructions Liam. Look, we have the picture on the front, how hard can it be? Ah, here comes Jacob he can give us hand”

“What oh…..what are you up to Johson minor and friend? You do know the big T can give you a detention for fraternising in groups of two or more. Big T has become a bit paranoid of late, with thoughts of fellow Westminster MPs hatching ideas of a coup.”

“Jacob, we have the magic Brexit bed and we need a hand to put it together, perhaps if you read the instructions, as you are such a stickler for checking Hansard.”

“Oh i don’t do instructions dear boy, I have a man to do that. But I am intrigued with the Brexit bed. It looks big enough for all of us to lie in it. Boris what are you doing?”

“Quick, quick, here comes Anna Soubry and Dominic Grieve. Everyone quick, stand in front of it. I don’t want her and Dominic to get sight of our special prize.”

Hello boys, what do you have there?

“Nothing that you would understand Anna,” said Jacob, “this is male talk.”

“Dominic, that looks like the Brexit bed that Barnier was talking about. Remember, he said that there was a manufacturing problem and that Brussels could not give it a CE mark as it was inherently faulty. Something about when you lie in it, you can’t stop yourself from lying.”

“I am already drafting an amendment to make Boris stay in this bed forever,” reassured Dominic.

“Oh, Boris…..you have to go and buy one of them, didn’t you? As I recall, Farage had one and he passed it on to Donald Trump as a presidential inauguration present.”

Daily Mail fury as ice-sharknadoes threaten to end British civilisation before the EU does

The Daily Mail expressed its fury at the forecast of British civilisation ending ice-sharknadoes this weekend, as it wanted to blame the EU for it.

Paul Dacre was reported locked in an editorial meeting with Satan and several other sub-editors including Vlad the Inhaler and Gary Bar-low, as they attempted to compose a headline to so malign the ice-sharknadoes as to render them impotent and give Junker the time he needs.

“It’s not looking good for Paul,” an insider told LCD Views, “he’s broken every stick of furnishing in his office and now he’s rampaging about the floor setting fire to things at random.”

It’s feared that if they can’t come up with a powerful enough idiotic headline to stop the ice-sharknadoes from tearing the country to shreds, then Dacre’s lifelong mission to stoke up sufficient hatred and division to tear the country apart, and blame it on the EU, will have failed.

“You’ve really got to feel for him,” the insider said, “the years, think of all the years he’s dedicated to vilification, denigration, mistruths about immigrants and Europe and now to have a freak weather event snatch victory from his hands when he’s so close?”

It’s believed the suspicion that climate change maybe a driving force behind the swirling shark winds and razor sharp ice particles, which can tear down buildings in minutes and strip the flesh from a true British potatriot’s bones in seconds, is only adding to poor Paul’s upset.

“If only the treasonous ice-sharknadoes had waited to invade our country in the winter of 2019/2020 it would have been okay,” the insider added, “the economic chaos of Brexit may well have been harnessed to trigger civil war and Dacre could have watched the country torn to pieces feeling really warm inside.”

The Irish Border paradox sees popcorn sales skyrocket as remainers settle in to watch Brexit unravel

Popcorn corns have been a popping overtime in the popcorn production facilities.

Finally the time has come to find out the details of what is meant by a seamless border, the boundary of no boundaries.

Politicians have taken to trawling epic tomes of Quantum Mechanics literature to ascertain the true nature of Schrödinger’s border; a simultaneously entangled superposition of no a border and no border.

Zen masters, who hold the secrets of one hand clapping and unseen trees falling have been asked to solve the ultimate koan riddle, how many checkpoints makes a seamless border?

The answer to the great unanswered of how to peel away Northern Ireland from the South, leaving one in Europe the other in the U.K., without a border.

The great logician Boris Johnson managed to hint at a solution, with just cameras, something akin to the London congestion charge scheme.

But hopes were dashed when the word “border” dropped out of those hapless lips towards the end of his meditation.

With the religious extremist DUP propping up May’s government vehemently opposed to Northern Ireland having any status other than that of the brexited U.K. and Sinn Fein remembering the troubles again at the thought of a split Ireland the situation appears entirely intractable.

So here we are, at the stage in Brexit negotiations, where it’s time for politicians to stop with the empty PR speak and nail the solution down in precision legalese.

Embittered and disenfranchised ‘remoaners’ across the country have stocked up on the poppy stuff in anticipation of the rush of schadenfreude from watching the whole edifice collapse like the 1937 Hindenburg zeppelin disaster, engulfing is all in one great conflagration.

It won’t be pretty, but hey when you’re handcuffed to a bus careering off a cliff, you may as well enjoy the ride.

*grabs first handful of popcorn* 🍿

Ex-Russian WWF wrestler sues met office for copyright dispute over name Beast from the East

A legal firm acting on behalf of the Met Office has confirmed today that they have received a writ detailing a court action against them, regarding their use of the term “Beast from the East”.

It is claimed that this was the alias used by a retired WWWF wrestler whose glittering, sweaty career spanned 40 years. The ex-wrestler is said to want,

“a share of all associated advertising revenue streams and royalties from anyone using the term.”

The Russian retiree, now living in Romford, notably won a string of tub-thumping bouts during the Autumn of 1983. He was briefly crowned champion when he took the title from The Crazy Cowboy, a showdown that carried considerable political symbolism during the Cold War years.

This isn’t the first time the Met office’s use of frivolous and patronising names for dangerous weather systems has got them mired in controversy.

They were also subject to legal action when they were forced to subtly change the name of a North African tropical weather system to “the Grumble from the Jungle” during a particularly oppressive heat wave in the notorious summer of 2003.

In other news, Vladimir Putin has commented on the case saying the term is a disgraceful example of cultural appropriation and Russophobic in nature.

He is said to have told British envoys to expect hordes of ruthless barbarian warriors riding upon the wind, to descend upon London and besiege the gates of the Met office building.

More on this breaking storm of controversy as it happens.

Liam Fox found crumbled in defeat after losing fight with packet of crisps

Secretary of State for International Trade, Liam Fox, has been found in a central London alleyway crumbled in defeat after losing a fight with a packet of crisps.

LCD sent our roaming reporter, Gary Lineker, down to the scene to find out as much as possible and to make up the rest.

“Even as I stand in the freshly fallen snow of central London near Leicester Square, I can see a scene before me that fills the mind with a mixture of bafflement and wonder.

Liam Fox, somehow an MP still, after resigning in disgrace from the position of Secretary of State for Hiding Friends Behind Curtains (aka Defence), is being shifted onto a stretcher.

The crisps he fought for his country are believed to have been a packet of Walkers, maybe Salt and Vinegar, perhaps Bugle cones, witnesses are being sought.

But from what I have gathered from speaking to people who claimed to have seen the drama occur, I can say little Liam gave the regular-tory less than 110%,

EXT    LONDON ALLEYWAY   DAWN

A shifty looking, short man with a briefcase stands at the entrance to a dark alleyway. This is Liam Fox.

A curtain hangs on the wall to his side. Movement behind it tells us someone is hiding behind.

The sun breaks over the building behind Liam and throws light through his steamy breath.

Liam Fox

“Wait for my signal. If he tries anything you run at him waving your arms and screaming.”

CLOSE ON

The curtain. A hand comes out of the side to give the thumbs up.

PULL BACK

Liam advances into the alley, the golden light of dawn running ahead of his steps.

He stops.

We hear rustling sounds. Crunching noises. A giant is stepping through the alley snow.

CLOSE ON

Liam’s face. The face of fury.

CLOSER STILL

His eyes. Just voids.

PULL BACK

Liam Fox

“I’ve got what you asked for.”

Silence, except for the sound of a giant bag of crisps rustling itself up.

Liam Fox

“Have you got the cash?”

No reply still.

Liam clutches his briefcase to his chest. He looks uncertain.

He begins to back pedal. Fear spreads across his face like butter on a bread roll in business class.

Liam Fox

“Adam!”

He starts to walk backwards faster.

Liam Fox

“Adam!”

CLOSE ON

The curtain.

See the furtive figure (we don’t see his face) dash out from behind and leg it out of the alleyway, and gone.

Liam Fox holds the briefcase over his head.

The crunching of the crisp giant grows louder and louder.

Liam’s shaking arms raise his briefcase over his head, even as he falls to his knees in the snow.

Liam Fox

“I am Liam Fox. Secretary of State for International Trade and you will give me a free trade deal.”

A shadow looms over Liam and a giant crisp packet begins to laugh menacingly.

END SCENE

 

 

Monarch tells son there is no way I’m starting with Churchill and ending with May, you have to hang on

LCD Views’ only royal correspondent advises that Queen Elizabeth II has reportedly told her son, “There is no way I’m starting with Churchill and ending with May, you have to hang on a bit longer.”

It’s believed the remark was made while watching the corgis play in the snow covering the lawn of Windsor Castle this morning.

“Charles wasn’t impressed,” Green Searchlight reports, “he wants to start with May and end with a figure like Churchill, as he believes the king beyond the water, in prime ministerial terms, must be starting his journey to the United Kingdom.”

This appears to be based on what a prime ministerial shower the country has laboured under for many years.

“Let’s be fair, Blair was a new dawn for most but the old commies and Torykippers, and he did help complete the peace process in Northern Ireland and he did stop a brutal civil war in Sierra Leone, so till then it was a ok.

But then a former coke addict who fancies himself a cowboy threw Tony a bomber jacket, at a moment of crisis, and it’s been all downhill since.

Any leader who thinks God is working through him is bound to be almost as bad as one who thinks he is God.”

So Queen Elizabeth II isn’t going anywhere soon?

“Not if she can help it. She’s hoping to use the royal veto anyway to veto the EU Withdrawal Bill, while wearing her EU flag hat, just to see the look on Jacob Rees-mogg’s face. So she’s more than one good reason to hang on.”