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Dominic Raab suffers concussion after glancing too hard at a compass

NURSE : The current British Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic Raab, has reportedly been rushed to A&E this evening suffering a suspected concussion.

The incident is believed to have occurred when Mr Raab decided to solve a navigational issue that had been vexing him for several hours.

“He heard there was a place called Southend in Essex. He was apparently surprised to appreciate that the direction ‘south’ ended in England,” our reporter, on the scene at Southend Explorers Infirmary, reports, “and he asked for a map to confirm his discovery. He couldn’t make east or west of the map. Clearly that being the case north and south were out of the question too.”

It’s believed the intrepid navigator thought about the puzzle for a while, positioning himself in front of a window sill of books he has no intention of reading, but likes to be near as he hopes their vibrations will make him more powerful.

“He hit on the idea of a compass,” our reporter rumourmongers some more, “having heard once that they are used in navigation.”

And that was when the incident occurred.

“Having one brought to him he then laid it flat in his palm and began to stare at it, hoping it would reveal why south ends in Essex. And of course after that, was is south of south.”

And that’s when the damage occurred.

“He also experienced a slight nosebleed, but it was the fainting fit that caused the most concern, one prominent vein pulsing on his right temple. Just fit to burst.”

The minister was rushed to A&E where he is receiving treatment in a room devoid of any navigational equipment or reference,” our reporter adds, “clearly the degree of confusion caused by such matters is potentially incredibly damaging to his cerebellum.”

Heaven help him if he is ever presented with a sextant.

“Ants can sext?”

OMG.

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10 Downing Street : Dominic Cummings takes the title of Witchfinder General

UNDEMOCRATIC LIE PYRES : The Grima Wormtongue of 10 Downing Street, that unelected ear whisperer Dominic Cummings, has decided on a new title, having grown bored of being called ‘a source’. It’s just not intimidating enough.

“People also too readily confuse the title and ask if he’s a red or brown sauce?” an aide to ‘the source’ told LCD Views, “homophones are very confusing in modern Britain. Just spend five minutes reading comments from pro-Brexit accounts on social media! So he’s leafed through the history books and come up with something fitting.”

The something fitting is the title of ‘Witchfinder General’, first made popular during the first English Civil War (we’re currently trying to do the second) by one Matthew Hopkins. He liked tall hats. You can expect to see Cummings wearing one soon.

“Dominic hasn’t been appointed by parliament to his role next to Boris Johnson either, just like Matthew Hopkins wasn’t appointed to the role of Witchfinder General,” the source close to ‘the source’ advised, “so it’s a nice symmetry.”

It appears to be the logical next step for the unelected, undemocratic, data crunching, social media micro-targeting, so called genius behind the lies and dissembling of the Leave campaign.

“He can really put the fear into those traitors spreading unhelpful narratives about No Deal Brexit now,” our source adds, “as we all know that remoaners float and weigh the same as a duck. So finding the witches undermining Brexit will merely be a question of applied science. Essentially anyone dealing in objective reality is going on the pyre.”

https://m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/civil-servants-unhelpful-narratives-on-brexit_uk_5d5664a1e4b0d8840ff12a87

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UK’s wurst BRAT BORIS at risk of eating humble sour kraut after Germans BIZARRELY take him at his WURD!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING MR JOHNSON IF YOU THINK YOU’VE WON THE BREXIT WAR?

The question is on the minds of many of the EU’s power brokers today after a leak reveals the unrelenting bluff and twaddle from Downing Street has caused Chancellor Merkel to say “Genug”.

While many Tory Brexiters are still holding out for a last minute charge of the light brigade in the form of the German carmakers, it seems the German leader has made her selection from Mr Johnson’s 50/50 “Do or Die?” choice for the UK’s economy.

And she’s not alone. In fact she has twenty six friends to count on versus the UK’s none.

“Bit bloody baffling,” a source close to Mr Johnson’s hairunstyler told LCD Views, “we’re shell shocked, I don’t mind admitting it. The Germans appear ready to take back control of Brexit. But don’t they remember two world wars and one World Cup? Well, two world cups now, although I doubt the Germans paid much attention to the One Day Cricket World Cup, which explains why they did so poorly in it.”

It’s not just team Johnson that are in lockdown today attempting to find a lie to convince the Germans Boris isn’t bluffing, when everyone can see Boris is almost certainly bluffing.

“We don’t have a choice now,” the source revealed, “we’ve either got to try and crash the UK out of the EU before the October 31st deadline, something that our dark money backers will orgasm over, or backdown? I reckon we need to focus on shifting the blame first and foremost. It’s the fault of remoaners. Yeah. Merkel is listening to them and not the party of government.”

As to how the Telegraph will deal with the news, having broken it, our newsroom is certain.

“They’re going to revel in a long overdue No Shit Sherlock award before going back to printing whatever propaganda bollocks Downing Street requests of it.”

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British government steals itself to dump British Steel for a steal

TURKISH DELIGHT : The future of British Steel looks secure today after the pension fund of the Turkish military successfully bid to buy the traditional British industry out of insolvency. This follows the completely surprising disinterest in doing so by the Conservative ‘Thatcher reboot’ currently lodged in 10 Downing Street.

“It just shows how easy a free trade deal with Turkey will be,” a David Davis impersonator commented on Twitter, “I mean, they already own British steel and that’s a key industry. What will they shop for next?”

But proper potatriotic, British, Brexit backing asset strippers poured scorn on the Turkish government for the ridiculous timing of their salvation of 5,000 British jobs.

“Amateurs,” Lord Pog of Pogness scoffed, “if they’d waited until the 1st of November then they would have gotten this bastion of British manufacturing a hell of a lot cheaper. Why shell out now? The pound will be at parity with the Turkish lira by November. Amateurs. Don’t they understand what a No Deal Brexit means? A firesafe of British assets. It amazes me really. These foreigners and how little they seem to know about traditional British disaster capitalism.”

And Pog wasn’t the only Brexiter getting into the act. It’s rumoured that Tim Martin is to release a special series of beer soaked infomercials, or beermats, to praise the success of British industry in the Brexit reality.

“A FTA with Turkey will be the easiest in history!” The mats will proclaim, “After all, they already got British Steel for a steal!”

It’s completely puzzling that the British government couldn’t find a spare billion to save a British industry. They’re so readily throwing money at the preparations for the No Deal Brexit they have little intent on seeing through, but it is good the invasion of millions of Turkish lira have saved the jobs of 5,000 people.

Brexit, with any luck, the foreigners the Brexiters insult and treat with disdain, may just ride to the rescue and save us from ourselves…

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Dominic Raab refuses to holiday in Bath, because he prefers showers

We’re all going on a summer holiday! With Parliament in recess, MPs are Getting On With Brexit by going on their jollies. But one man is unhappy. Dominic Raab is refusing to go to Bath, because he likes a shower of a morning instead.

“I’m always told that I’m a bit of a shower,” says the Secretary for Bloody Forriners. “And it’s true! A good shower washes away all the day’s muck. Politics is a grubby game sometimes, so it’s nice to feel clean and competent!”

Bath gets its name from the ancient Roman baths there. This is another reason not to go, according to our man in the shower cubicle.

“Roman baths? ROMAN?” he exclaims indignantly. “You mean, from the EU? Rome is in France, right? I’m not putting up with any foreign muck!”

Experts confirmed that Rome is indeed in Europe, and that the baths were constructed the last time the EU invaded Britain. That time, the legions swept away years of native inertia, replacing lovely original creaky infrastructure with horribly useful paved roads, mosaics, underfloor heating, decent sewerage, and of course baths.

Other MPs are on holiday too. Boris Johnson is obsessed with Bridge, though he talks a better game than he plays. He challenged Donald Trump to a game. Garden Bridge? enquired the orange numpty. No, Transatlantic Bridge, replied the pink numpty. Trump haggled him down to a round of Snap, which Johnson won by a convincing margin.

Jacob Rees-Mogg Esq is on a modern holiday to 1215. He is very excited. “Magna Carta! It’s the first time The People took back control from the liberal elite!” he said, almost losing that measured tone. “I can’t wait to witness it all over again!”

The previous Minister for Incompetence, Chris Grayling, didn’t manage to sort out a holiday for himself this year, though his constituency office is liberally garlanded with holly. “He’s got the hump,” said his exasperated secretary. “He is going around in a camel costume!”

To Bath, or not to Bath? It just won’t wash.

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UK : Man says he’ll set fire to the Wicker Man himself if everyone will just get inside with him

The prime minister of the United Kingdom, who has a record of doing what he says he will that’s as credible as norovirus promising a pleasant cruise on a ship, recorded a high production value video earlier today to make a tantalising offer.

“Look, we’re all completely punch drunk on nostalgia for the good old days,” the PM told a country having a hard time remaining a country, “and so we want to burn the modern world. You want to burn it because you don’t like hearing funny voices in public. I want to burn it because it distracts from my estranged wife’s cancer treatment while I work out how to get my young girlfriend credibility. So here’s my offer, I’ll set fire to our Wicker Man myself if everyone in the United Kingdom will just get inside with me.”

The offer, with its old world appeal (about 2000 BC) certainly set the room alight. Mostly because of the opportunity it seemed to offer to certain people in the room who wanted to see the man burn, while setting fire to the country.

Why set fire to your country? Because that’s what respecting the result of the referendum means. We all know this now. Either you expect to gain financially or politically, or both.

”It’s going to play exceptionally well with the country,” a BBC reporter is likely to tweet later about the PM’s offer, “the noble self sacrifice of a leader who has delivered on the overwhelming mandate delivered by the country to burn itself to cinders. I can’t see how anyone could fail to acknowledge the nobility of the offer.”

Various prominent men were also quick to take up the offer.

”I’ll strike the bally match for him! What ho! What a hoot!” a Nosferatu tribute act told us, “and then I’ll seize the reigns of power and impregnate the land with feudalism and rule the serfs with a rod of iron.”

How could any of this possibly go wrong? Especially as the burning is currently scheduled for Halloween.

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Downing Street install industrial strength air fresheners in attempt to clear ongoing stench of Boris Johnson

BIT WHIFFY : 10 Downing Street officials have confirmed today the installation of industrial strength air fresheners to deal with the deepening stench of Boris Johnson being in government.

“Well, it’s not actually clear if he is in government,” a Whitehall bod told LCD Views, “sure he has the title of prime minister, but it’s untested, given the Tories gamed the system to let him bugger off for six weeks the moment he got the job. Not a bad start to a new job with massive responsibility. Here, have a six week holiday. Mother of parliaments? Ha! She’s been at mother’s little helper. Or helpers!”

But regardless of what actual power Bojo has, something to be tested from early September, his living at Downing Street has led to a distinctive odour.

“The stench of moral decay is quite something,” the Downing Street official advised, “we’ve tried opening the windows to let air and light in, but both refused to enter.”

So it seems a solution more fitting for this administration was sought?

“Yes. We decided to hack a few limbs off the magic money tree and commission some monumental wall plugs. The power outage in southern England on the weekend was a result of plugging the massive buggers in. So then we had to spend more money to upgrade the power network to cope. But still, you smell it. Silent fart in a lift smell. Unmistakable. But of course we know who owns it.”

Tourist officials have also expressed concern, with football around Whitehall falling after reports of visitors unused to UK national politics becoming nauseous and even vomiting.

“Hopefully Boris Johnson’s time in Downing Street will be short lived,” the official hoped, “11 Downing Street is putrid with hypocrisy also. To clear them both out will be a relief. Praise be.”

But what should ordinary Londoners do to handle the smell, until the cure arrives?

“Take to the sewers,” the official shrugged, “you’ll have to contend with fatbergs, but you’ll get some fresh air. Relatively speaking.”

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Enough time wasted already – Donald Tusk to co-lead UK emergency government, alongside Larry the Cat

TICK TOCK : Amazing news from Westminster today with the announcement that former EU council president, Donald Tusk, has been chosen by MPs across party lines to lead a government of national unity.

“Just to ensure no more time is wasted,” a somber looking Mr Tusk said, speaking at the lectern outside 10 Downing Street, Larry the cat by his side.

“Miaow,” Larry added, lending credence to speculation he is fully supportive of a collaborative approach.

The move has surprised many on the official opposition front bench. Most MPs are said to have been surprised at the announcement.

“For three years we’ve done our utmost to be irrelevant in the hope the hard right would break all the eggs and we’d then get to swan in over the wreckage, having done bugger all to oppose the Tories but call for the immediate trigger of Article 50 on the 24/6/16, and then vote to trigger it with no plan, together with the Tories. It’s funny how few of our supporters consider the failed attempt in 2011 to get an IN/OUT EU ref, when current Labour leadership worked with prominent Tory Brexiters to attempt to get the ref then. Amnesia is such a thing nowadays.”

No revelation there.

“Multi-millionaire, career politician, Jeremy Corbyn, is said to be pleased with the choice though,” our GNU correspondent (a recent hire) reports, “as he had planned a camping holiday for October. Now he and his mate Seumas can triangulate from the shadows and continue to pretend, that in-spite of whipping against measures only months ago to stop No Deal, it’s what he really wants to do.”

The qualified wording in his recent letter to MPs, requesting he runs the government, with its trademark fudge and get out clauses, also suggest he is relieved that someone else will have to deal with the responsibility.

But not everyone is pleased.

The ERG are said to be planning a mass sacrifice of “ungardened baby family animals” in the hope their dark lord in Hell overturns the decision and installs a complete and total, soulless bastard as leader instead. A move they would see as continuity.

We here at LCD Views think opposition parties should work together and be less concerned about who leads the government, but just get the Tory charlatans out of office and organise the future of the country like grown-ups, and with a renewed adherence to rule of law.

Anyone who thinks all this GNU stuff isn’t just posturing ahead of Boris Johnson calling for a GE hasn’t considered his individual psychology and how likely he is to attempt to govern with a majority of SFA. Also how likely he is to soon lose a few more MPs, once enough of them get up the courage to effectively sack their own government. And they need time to gird their loins, as many are receiving death threats. Jo Cox may have been forgotten by Boris Johnson, as evidenced by his incite-full speeches, but not all MPs.

“I’m only here until 10 Downing Street is completely disinfected,” Mr Tusk added, before going inside to begin work, leading to speculation he intends to govern for life.

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International governance ‘hot desk’ scheme will see Jacinda Ardern govern UK this Friday

ABOUT TIME TOO : The United Kingdom has been seen increasingly as a repressive, retrograde, banana republic in recent years, but that’s about to change!

From this Friday the UK is to take part in a limited trial of a new United Nation’s scheme to bring the corporate insanity of hot desking to international governance.

“Theresa May signed the UK up to the trial in the last minutes of her premiership,” UN rapporteur Mr Goode Govern told LCD Views, “and it seems Boris Johnson’s instant clear out of ideologically impure civil servants meant no one told him about it in time to pull out.”

As part of the trial no less than fifty governments around the world will see their top executive figures scramble for the presidency, or premiership, or monarchy of each others’ country as soon as work starts on Friday.

The UK is already slated for the New Zealand premier because organisers of the scheme decided it would be best to rotate a few leaders to start it, lest the collective prove too shy.

“Monday they go again,” the UN figure advised, “although if Ardern enjoyed her long weekend in the UK, you may find she’s at the office early enough to get Downing Street again.”

But supporters of the Johnson government have slammed the trial and threatened to withdraw prematurely. Something Mr Johnson has never before achieved in any endeavour, except ones involving accountability and honesty.

“ Mr Johnson can’t be expected to get out of bed before midday, shower, change, ruffle his hair, boof an unsuspecting posh filly, ruffle his hair some more and get to work early enough to get anything but the least desirable country.”

The UN however is unrepentant.

“We’ve put Donald Trump down to run Saudi Arabia, which should get interesting,” the UN man added, “although we fully expect the Saudis to just dazzle him with that magic light ball they showed him when he visited before. That’s if he gets off the golf course and turns up to work at all.”

How the UK will benefit from having Ms Ardern as prime minister, even temporarily, is apparent.

“After nearly a decade of this toxic regressive Conservatism? Even a long weekend of an actual human in charge of the country will be a tangible relief.”

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Harrod’s hampers to warn rich people of the dangers of tax evasion

TREASURE ISLANDS : A new initiative is to launch today in an attempt to stop filthy rich people dodging so much tax.

https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/hmrc-tax-gap-avoidance-billions-pounds-a8968591.html

The scheme has been developed by tax justice campaigners, PayYourFfingTaxSoSocietyDoesntCollapse, concerned about the haemorrhaging of taxation into small islands, or tax havens.

“It’s not just Harrod’s hampers that we are printing the warnings on,” Mrs Demo Craci told LCD Views, “Fortnum & Mason ones too. Also the steering wheels of Ferrari’s.”

The message is simple. It advises any rich people thinking of using expensive lawyers and creative accountants to avoid paying their fair share of tax to just effing pay it before society collapses.

“There’s stories of what happens when someone does pay tax, in the hope of encouraging others to follow. Roads get built. Hospitals get built. Schools get built. Local services get funded. There’s sufficient police to keep the streets safe. Amazingly even, there’s funding for youth services too to stop young, vulnerable people drifting into a life of violence, crime and early mortality. And best of all, the filthy rich people get to stay filthy rich.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out to one of the possible drawbacks of paying tax.

“The government may decide to properly resource HMRC so it stops cutting deals and letting filthy rich people off paying their full share, in the desperate hope of getting anything out of them at all. That’s a measure of blowback we can’t countenance. Instead we’re going to focus our efforts on putting a portion of that dodged tax into promoting hard right, toxic nationalism to distract the plebs. Oh, and by shoving money into the pockets of susceptible MPs to ensure opaquely funded ‘think tanks’ formulate the majority of government policy.”

It’s hoped the counter to the Harrod’s scheme, if successful, will see a government that is a facade only and a return to a feudal based society in which birthright, and inherited wealth, determines one’s path in life much more successfully than innate ability and a capacity for hard work.

Judging by the success of Brexit and Trump, the counter scheme is working out very nicely, so far.