LCD Views

French windows are a cultural abomination, says the government. In a new cultural purity drive, all European influences in Britain’s architecture will be banned.

“It’s cultural appropriation!” thundered Government wonk Tim Berframe. “This great country, this England, must return to English architecture, and only traditional English construction and features! French windows are, well, right out of the window.”

The cultural purity drive is all-consuming. Dutch gables have also been proscribed, and all buildings possessing one will be demolished.

“It’s the only way,” explained Berframe. “Brexit means Brexit. If we are going to break free from Europe, then it must be all or nothing!”

Berframe lists building materials that will be banned following No Deal. “Bricks, they are a Roman invention,” he said, ticking them off on his stubby fingers. “So is concrete. Steel, the bloody Romans as well, and modern steel was invented in Prague, so that’s out. Only indigenous materials may be used, like mud and sticks.”

Brexit means we will all have to live in mud huts. “Yes, Wattle and daub is hugely underrated. English windows may be unglazed for ventilation, but you may use glass if you want, that’s English,” interjected Berframe. “And wooden shutters. But absolutely no Venetian blinds!”

Meanwhile there is the important issue of what to do with all the French windows. “Send ‘em back!” retorts Berframe. “Remove them at once. Spray the polluted area with a decontaminant. Replace them with those dangly plastic things your granny used to have. Take the French windows to France. Their windows, their problem!

Berframe foresees a time when every Briton will make a last pilgrimage to the Continent of Evil™ with all their Roman bricks, Italian marble, German skirtings, IKEA furniture, and French windows naturally. They will be stranded on the other side, unless they own a fine English Morgan of course. “We need to invoke the Dunkirk Spirit!” said Berframe happily.

If French windows are out, then French fries, French kissing and French letters cannot be far behind. It is rumoured that Dawn French has had to go into hiding.

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD, FOR BREXIT : Great news for patriots who want to dismantle modern life as we know it today with the latest poll from hard right, tax haven serving, US neocon enabling, shitrag propaganda outfit, The Daily Telegraph.

“So many British people want Brexit they’re prepared for millions and millions more of them than actually exist to die to achieve it,” Telegraph poll expert, Mr Soulle Sold, told their sister publication, LCD Views (one of us was adopted from an adoption service for little baby Satans made in Hell, and we know who).

The poll result will be a boost for the beleaguered administration of Boris “shagger” Johnson, struggling daily to get enough people to buy their lies in the hope of making a killing.

“Efforts are underway now to capture some squirrels from the North American wild reservoir of the famous disease, yersini pestis, and bottle up a sample and then get it to the lab and modify it into a form readily contagious to humans.”

In expectation of the mass plague event the Gove-rnment is reportedly spending £5bn pounds on wheelbarrows and carts big enough to carry your average village’s fresh dead to pits.

“It’s not just cattle, sheep and random alpacas that will be on the burning countryside pyres to make a success of No Deal Brexit when winter harries Mighty Britannia in late 2019,” Mr Soulle Sold commented, “but readily infected, hard working British men, women and children.”

But critics have been quick to point out that polling firm ConRes, contracted to conduct the poll, maybe guilty of asking leading questions designed to achieve the result.

“The question in the poll was, ‘Would you support everyone’s best friend Boris ending parliamentary democracy in the United Kingdom in order to achieve No Deal Brexit, if it got you in the pants of someone you’ve ached privately to shag like forever, and instantly made you a multiple millionaire by magic?’, which is not misleading and very straightforward, in my estimation,” Mr Sold shrugged.

To make transmission of the Black Death more effective patriots are asked to stand especially close to anyone who looks peekish in coming weeks and to bathe in their bodily fluids as they explode out of the traditional, British pustules in their armpits.

“Oh, and their groins.”

Yes, and their haemorrhaging groins.

Brexit, let’s make a success of it, no matter what the cost. Tax dodgers are depending on it.

Dire warnings about Brexit have been plentiful recently. Both remainers and experts are agreed – Brexit is a crock of shit. Remainers expect to be blamed for it. But what if Brexit goes really well? That will be our fault too, remainers say.

Spokes-webmaster for the ‘Remain Is Best, Honest!’ group on Facepalm is Suki Tupp. She has seen the remain community blamed for everything from wet weather to England not winning the World Cup last time out.

“I’m sick of being the scapegoat for everybody and everything,” wrote Tupp on a recent group post. “Everything is our fault, apparently, so it’s about time we took credit for some of the good stuff too.”

Like the summer weather. “The hottest day on record is down to us remainers,” she continued. “Since all the heatstroke-related incidents are our fault somehow!”

Ditto the torrential rainstorms. “That dam that was close to breaking, that was blamed on us,” she wrote. “So let’s take credit for the successful remedial action, and in the wider scheme of things, England’s green and pleasant land! So far removed from the scorched-earth leavers.”

Then Brexit of course. “Naturally, a group of concerned citizens in cyberspace, as far removed from the corridors of power as Boris Johnson’s humility, has no influence upon government policy,” she states. “We think it’s undeliverable; therefore they say this is due to our lack of belief. But what if Brexit is a resounding success after all?”

Tupp left a dramatic pause in her post at this point, then resumed getting to the point very slowly indeed.

“What if we were all wrong? What if Brexit is all that was promised, and more?” she asks rhetorically. “Will it still be our fault?”

A question to which nobody had an adequate reply. Loyal remainers didn’t want to admit to being wrong, ever. Leavers on the page hated the suggestion that their victory was to someone else’s credit.

We won, you lost, but in fact we all won, and the losers take the spoils. Suck it up.