Man ordered to collect country he threw off cliff

TRIED IN ABSENTIA : A British man has been ordered to collect an entire country he threw off a white cliff.

The man, described as being “with his trotters up” did not attend the hearing, although as he was tried across social media, he can’t help but have heard it.

”He’s holed up in a garden shed that cost the average annual income. He’s very proud of the shed. Although given the damage he caused to the country when he threw it over the cliff, he should be troubled by regret,” our legal correspondent believes, “at least that’s what I personally believe [see].”

The crime itself has been described in the court of public opinion as a “democratic outrage” and a result “of the lazy idiot’s blithe inattention to the details of the offence [in its planning].”

And making matters worse is the difficulty authorities are having rectifying the matter and repairing the damage.

”Too many have a vested interest in the country being smashed apart at the foot of the cliff. It’s making it hard to tidy up after the fact.”

But in passing sentence the judge presiding over the matter noted how the impact of the crime, which occurred in 2016, was actually a broader conspiracy.

A quick look at parliamentary records shows a select group of MPs encouraging the actual event for many years. And those same MPs are now running the country and the official opposition party.

That aside, the man has been ordered to retrieve the country from the base of the cliff and repair it.

”He won’t though,” the jury in the court of public opinion suspects, “because he’s too irresponsible to attempt to make amends. In fact, after the judgement he went on record to say he has no regrets.”

A very nice state of mind, after the fact, but only if you can afford it.

Didn’t work : National Grid explains power cut was UK being turned off and on again

READY FOR NO DEAL : The National Grid has shone light into the darkness of last night by explaining the reason behind the power cut which plunged swathes of England, and its regions, into the black.

”It was a trial run for No Deal Brexit,” the spokesman said, “and an attempt to see if we could stop diesel and remainers talking the country down by stopping them talking to one another.”

The spokesman went on to say the trial was judged to be a complete success.

”Nobody ate anyone. That’s pretty much the high watermark for wild success in terms of Brexit. Expect a festival to celebrate. And no one will eat anyone else in that too. Well, it’s unlikely to occur.”

But a leaked internal email, obtained by this fictional news media organisation from inside an imagined version of energy regulator Ofgem, says it was an entirely different reason altogether.

”They turned the country off an on again. England specifically, but the outage affected other regions too. It was an attempt to solve Brexit,” our energy analyst, Mrs High Beam, reveals, “I don’t suppose it worked. The country is still rebooting so we won’t know until later if it worked or not. I don’t think it worked. Did you think it worked? Is anything different? Are the criminal investigations into the electoral crimes of 2016 actually happening? Is Boris Johnson still Prime Minister? If he is it didn’t work.”

But you should not to be discouraged as the leaked email reveals the test will be tried again in a “live fire sandbox” at the end of October.

On the 31st the entire country will be switched off and on again.

”Let’s just pray the bigger test doesn’t coincide with a KFC shortage or we’re f*cked.” 

SOCIAL MEDIA BAN for REMAINERS before they talk UK into RECESSION

Brexiters, breathe easy. The impending recession has been averted by banning all remainers from social media.

“I can get on with believing in Britain without factual distractions,” said a relieved Boo Morbust, of Wuncher Bankers. “Now the doom and gloom merchants have been removed from Facepalm and Twittalk, I can get on with shorting the pound free from bleeding heart negativity!”

The decision has given the economy a massive boost. Remainers, no longer able to engage in online debate, have had to suck it up instead of talking the country down.

“It’s excellent news,” continued Morbust. “Now I can go back to spending the working day charging exorbitant interest rates and watching cat videos!”

All is not as it seems though. Buried in the pink ranks of the Financial Times is the news that the pound is now worth the same as the Euro. There is a super injunction out on the British press which means none of them may print any potentially anti-Brexit news on the front page. Instead, the FT is pointedly leaving the front page blank.

“Devaluation of the pound is good!” insists Morbust. “Devaluation means worth less, so everything is cheaper! It’s economics innit. I got a grade F at GCSE, so I know what I’m talking about!”

With no dissent, then, recession should be avoided. After all, if a recession occurs, but nobody is allowed to say so, has it really happened?

“Everything will be easy peasy!” confirms Morbust. “If nobody contradicts a statement, it must be true. Therefore, if we say business is booming, then it is, because nobody can say otherwise. We say, you’ve never had it better, and hey presto! it’s true, even if it isn’t! Win!”

Remember that, next time you queue with your brand spanking new blue ration book. Remember to say your ‘Hail Boris’es with feeling or you won’t get your two ounces of rancid butter.

Downing Street cancel staff leave out of fear no one will come back

WORK LIFE OUT OF BALANCE : 10 Downing Street has had to cancel all staff leave out of a real fear no one will come back from their holidays.

The move, described as perfectly rational given the irrationality of the decisions being taken by the executive, it is hoped will prevent key insiders seeking political asylum in EU27 states.

Oh, and stop that young filly the PM has his eye on from taking work elsewhere.

”That’s because everyone is an enemy now,” an aide to the unelected bureaucrat PM, Dominic Cummings Esq, told LCD Views, “all those states that are forcing us into a no deal Brexit will be certain to try and lure away anyone weak enough to want food consistently this winter.”

Come to us we have food, that could turn anyone into a traitor.

It’a thought even holidays within the UK have been banned in case 10 Downing Street staff give in to the temptation to swim out to ships sailing past Ramsgate or Southend.

”We’re pretty sure French fishermen will be attempting to take unwitting and innocent English nationalists off the coasts of England,” the insider warned, “after which Macron will place them in a dungeon and torture them with the smell of freshly baked croissants. We could lose dozens of state secrets just like that.”

And don’t think a staycation will get you out of the door and home in front of the television either.

”We’ve already bugged all the staff’s homes. If they go home and talk about work they’ll just get in trouble. Best to stay in the office and push through till November. Everyone will be able to have time off then because of the sunlight on the uplands of Brexit.”

As to press speculation that the cancellation of leave is because a general election is planned, the insider had this to say,

”When Boris Johnson said there wouldn’t be a general election before Brexit he was talking bollocks. Obviously. Only a fool would have believed it, which is par for course for whatever he says.”

And what do the staff themselves think about the cancellation of their Leave?

”I thought Leave was supposed to mean Leave!” one shouted out in exasperation.

No Deal Plans – 10 Downing Street replaced by a rock big enough for Boris Johnson to hide under

OVER THE TOP MEN SOME OF YOU WILL SURVIVE : A leak from the Johnsonian-Cummings fortress of 10 Downing Street has revealed advanced plans to replace the famous inner London townhouse with something more suitable before Halloween 2019.

”That’s if we don’t bottle it on No Deal Brexit first,” an insider to the joint, unelected rulers of the UK revealed today, “which is highly likely. Bullies tend to retreat when it’s clear they’re gonna suffer.”

But if events spiral out of their country, a distinct possibility, and the UK crash into the rocks of No Deal, thus tearing up the majority of its connections with the 21st century at a stroke, the people responsible will not only need fall guys to blame.

”They’ll also need somewhere to hide and sharpish,” the insider said. “hence the decision by Cummings to replace 10 Downing Street with a big ROCK. No one will think to look underneath it. It’s fool proof.”

It’s believed various types of rock where tested for suitability.

”We tried rock music first. We approached KISS to stand out front and distract everyone with their famous tongues. But then that old dog Bojo tried to shag Gene’s leg in a display of dominance. So they just left.”

No wonder. What next?

”We tried Dwayne Johnson, but he just laughed us out of his office. He’s going to be busy filming the 957th Fast and Furious by October anyway.”

So you had to turn to naturally occurring objects of great size?

”That’s why we asked to hide out on Gibraltar. But they had a vote on it and decided by about 98% to tell us to get stuffed and take the medicine.”

So how did you get the boulder?

”It was easy in the end,” the insider reveals, “we just dismantled Stonehenge and took one of those boulders. Fittingly symbolic for what No Deal would do to the entire country.”

GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS – BAFFLED land mass run by people who have no fucking idea what they’re doing discovered

BREXIPUTIA – Mapmakers report today that an entirely new land mass has been discovered off the coast of continental Europe that is just jammed full of people who who have no fucking idea what they’re doing.

“This is because they’re led by complete incompetents,” head explorer at Parochial Geographic, Professor Dominic Raabit told LCD Views.

But a cursory glance at the satellite imagery that led to the fascinating discovery reveals the land mass is very close to continental Europe. It’s a little puzzling why no one has stumbled across it before.

“Oh, they’ve been numerous reports over the years of a sensible, well governed, mature representative democracy existing as a collection of islands off the coast of France and the Netherlands for years. People have even claimed to have been there. People have turned up in France and Spain claiming to have come from there. But over the last three years the reports of a such a place have dried up. We decided to do a satellite survey to clear it up once and for all.”

The professor added that this has actually been tried several times since mid-2016, but there’s usually a murky fog over the area at the time and satellite imaging has proved difficult.

“We got lucky. A window opened for a few moments and we got the photographs. We decided next to see if we could detect any radio broadcasts. And we did.”

And what did you discover from listening to the broadcasts?

“Well, just a casserole of nonsense. The majority of the current leaders appear to be political pygmies, although some with larger frames are hanging about, ineffectively urging everyone to not do some extremely stupid thing that the leaders are set upon.”

What’s the stupid thing?

“They want to rename the country Brexiputia and set fire to it on the 31st of October this year.”

That sounds a bit silly.

“It’s more than that. It’s clear none of the leaders have a fucking idea what they’re doing. That much is obvious. But they’re all too proud to admit that things may have gotten out of hand.”

Government policy replaced by Leave.EU propaganda

The government of national disunity has become the political wing of Leave.EU. Bereft of any real ideas or policies, it has substituted recycled propaganda.

This is why Boris Johnson is insisting that he’s going to do a great deal with the EU. Expect him to assert that we hold all the cards.

Expect him to deny that, with hindsight, that these cards are a joker, a business card from Dawdle, Ripov & Scarper estate agents, and Mr Bun the baker.

Expect him to say that these are brand new cards, and not the old cards covered with childish graffiti.

Expect him to tell you that post-Brexit Britain will be like an unsubtle variation of ‘sunlit uplands’. Sunny Highlands or something. Expect him to feign surprise when the country says ‘Bollocks!’

Expect an emphasis on blame. Britain’s Brexit policy and subsequent failure is already the fault of the EU, and, oddly, Ireland. Everyone’s fault but mine is the line. Pig farmers, global warming, negative thinking. Expect it to be all your own fault. Expect Britain to point the finger straight back.

Expect blatant racism. Swarms and hordes of vermin swamping the country. Reds under the bed. Any opponents of the Brexit faith denounced as traitors, saboteurs, enemies. Yada yada yada. Expect Boris to falter and corpse as even he can’t believe he’s saying it.

Expect pots to call the kettles black. Wait for unelected bureaucrat Dominic Cummings to call properly elected EU representatives unelected bureaucrats. Expect even the Daily Telegraph to start questioning this approach. Expect the country to laugh at Cummings and make crude puns on his name.

Expect Nigel Farage to come steaming in to denounce all and sundry, and say that he, and only he, is the true Keeper of the Flame of Brexit. Expect him to talk big but offer no practical advice. Expect him to offer to take over as PM, accountable only to himself. Expect him to slink away when nobody listens to him this time.

Expect Brexit to be cancelled instead of delayed this time.

Dominic Raab rumoured treated for shock in Canada at discovery British Columbia isn’t British anymore

Who’s dumb and confused by maps : Raab is! Rumours on the news wires today that British FCO Dominic Raab was treated for shock yesterday in Canada after a geographical stun grenade went off in his mind.

“Let’s be clear,” Doctor Mounted, Register at Colombie-Britannique Royal Infirmary, said, “the cartographical explosion happened in what serves for his mind. I ran the scans myself. The casserole of nonsense inside that cranium deserves further study. It’s not what I would call classical human grey matter.”

The treatment appears to have consisted largely of sedation and being placed in front a photograph of himself smiling.

“We hadn’t quite realised until recently how effective looking at a happy picture of the self is for English Tory narcissists,” Doctor Mounted rose steeply, “but when applied to the eyes, with some Elgar playing softly in the background, with the additional tincture of Boycott talking about rhubarb, the recovery can be exceptionally speedy. The horrible psychological episode is quickly erased by a re-discovery of one’s own imagined self-importance.”

Good news.

Raab himself is rumoured (nothing in this article is real) to have told a close aide, after he regained full consciousness, signified by the throbbing vein on his right temple THROBBING, that he should have paid more for his geography GCSE, and maybe even shelled out on a history one.

How the Canadians managed to get British Columbia away from the UK while still keeping the name British involved is a mystery that the FCO is said to be determined to solve.

“It’s probably the French,” an aide to Raab conjectured, “they’ll do anything to making leaving the EU difficult. Especially stealing the colonies the UK needs to make itself great again.”

As an interim measure Raab has ordered maps at the FCO in London to be redrawn to move British Columbia from the west coast of Wales, where he had personally drawn it in, and to somewhere in the mid-Atlantic.

“Just until he can work out what the hell is going on.”

Having made a full recovery Dom has now journeyed south, across a newly discovered land bridge between Canada and the USA, where he will spend his time being comforted by warmongers. Presumably being encouraged to go home and order something blown up in the Middle East.

Interrail cancelled because we don’t want young people getting the idea that train travel is cheap and efficient

Interrail is going – well, it’s going all over Europe, but it is not going to the UK. The reasons are complex and confusing, so let’s just blame Brexit.

Except London. You can go to London. But that’s only because they haven’t closed the channel tunnel yet.

The original, Victorian, channel tunnel was cancelled because of the fear of invasion. The 21st century killjoys don’t want to be invaded by wide-eyed young foreigners talking in foreign.

But even worse is the fear of radicalisation by the EU. “We can’t have young people growing up believing that rail services can be cheap, efficient, and worst of all, publicly owned!” spluttered unelected British bureaucrat Rusty Rayles.

It’s pure xenophobia too, of course. “We strongly believe that British seats on British trains in Britain should be taken by British bottoms, and not by foreign arses,” insisted Rayles, turning a bit more gammony. “Imagine if, on your way to work, your usual seat is taken up by some scruffy long-haired oik from Madrid called Pedro, smelling of garlic, playing a guitar and talking loudly to his mates across the carriage in Spanish! The very notion is abhorrent!”

In these small-minded times, freedom of movement is regarded as a bad thing. Official thinking is that people should stay in one place, and be of one mind, unless their feudal overlord grants them leave. No train, no gain.

“We want our railways back!” harrumphed Rayles. “Hundreds of different companies! Stations in the middle of nowhere! Smoke, steam, and travelling to nowhere in particular at a snail’s pace! First class for the people who matter, and a couple of cattle trucks for the rest! And we don’t want them to be used by every Tomas, Ricardo and Henriques!”

Change here for Brexit Britain. Yes, the train carries on, but you must get off. Unfortunately, the line hasn’t been built yet and the route is still undecided. Here, let’s shunt you into a siding for a bit. Rejoice!

Come Off It Cummings! Unelected bureaucrat replaces Larry with fluffy white Persian cat

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE : The unelected bureaucrat Dominic Cummings, currently running the United Kingdom into disaster (because it allows Boris Johnson to have long naps?), has announced he has replaced Larry the Downing Street cat with a fluffy white Persian cat.

“It’s the will of the people,” a hungry and unshaven Cummings told reporters waiting outside his 10 Downing Street home, “and you ain’t seen nothing yet. Nothing can stop me smashing the establishment. I’m just going to keep coming up with ways to transform the country.”

Whether or not you think your elected representatives, or yourself, should have a say in these changes doesn’t figure in Mr Cummings mad scheming.

“I’m anti-establishment. I’m the anti-establishment maverick,” he added, “I’m a genius. But I’m too modest to say it. Well, if by genius you mean well funded manipulator and propagandist. I’m going to smash the establishment.”

By establishment he appears to mean representative democracy, regulatory safeguards and presumably the national health service.

“I’m anti-establishment,” he reiterated, “well, those parts of it that have grown out of all control since the Glorious Revolution of the 17th century. Look at my place in society? It’s born to rule. Parliament is an irritant that needs putting back in its place. I’m a genius. But I’m too modest to say it.”

But why get rid of Larry the mouser from Downing Street?

“He makes the plebs happy,” Mr Cummings spat, “that’s reason enough. But also, when I’m relaxing in the prime minister’s chair and dreaming up new genius ways to convince the great unwashed they want to smash those parts of the establishment that safeguard them from hard right moneymen, I want a pussy I can stroke. And Larry isn’t that.”