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We survived rationing before, says Boris Johnson

There is no rationing of the good news flowing from Boris Johnson. Brexit will be a breeze, he says, we survived rationing before.

“The storm clouds are not gathering,” he assured the nation from the back door of Arlene Foster’s place in Belfast. “It will all blow over very quickly. It’s a storm in a teacup, and we should all just go home and, err, yes, yes, that’s it, have a nice cup of tea! Jolly good!”

Independent observers believe that the wiffling windbag is full of hot air. “Boris Johnson is being very flippant about food shortages,” remarked Eaton McCurry. “Brits will not be happy that their traditional diet of biryani and pizza is being replaced by powdered eggs.”

There is concern that the blue ration books will not be ready in time. “The War Cabinet has bigger fish to fry,” reveals Westminster bureaucrat Una Lected. “Like securing sufficient donations from international proto-fascists to ensure that supplies of vintage champagne are maintained.”

There is also a logistical problem. “The ration books are being printed in Poland,” said Lected. “Like the new blue passports. They will be shipped to the UK via the Dover-Calais route, which, according to Dominic Raab, doesn’t exist. They will be held in bond in France until the UK settles its account with the EU, which Johnson insists won’t happen. There may be adequate food, but nobody will be able to claim it.”

We return to the Prime Minister, who was still hanging around Arlene Foster’s back door, more in hope than anticipation. “We need to be a bit more can-do and a bit less gung-ho,” he wibbled, weakly. “We are British, after all. We must tap into the Blitz Spirit, the Dunkirk Spirit and the potato spirit! The water won’t be drinkable, of course. Rationing for the many, not the few, I say. Good, good!”

The UK is officially at war. With the demons inside the heads of men like Boris Johnson.

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Downing Street orders Royal Mint to begin printing £1,000,000 notes for daily purchases post No Deal Brexit

HOUSEKEEPING MONEY : Downing Street has refused to comment today on a leek from the Treasury which says it has ordered the Royal Mint to begin printing £1,000,000 notes.

“It’s just sensible forward planning,” a Treasury insider said, on the basis of confidentiality, “hyperinflation will make everyone richer, once No Deal Brexit has been successfully achieved. Imagine walking over to the off licence with a million pound note in your pocket? And coming back with change? By this time next year, we’ll all be millionaires I tells ya!”

The leek itself looked like the standard variety, green and white and stout. Although its presence in the office of a major international online and print powerhouse out of season signifies its importance. We should take what it had to say seriously.

As part of the preparation for the release of the new bank notes a competition will be held to choose who should be on it.

“This time it won’t be a famous British, historical figure of note for the quality in excess of their input to the country,” the leek advises, “it will be a rogue’s gallery of figures still alive to choose from. This will honour some of the people who are currently striving to make Britain great again.”

Boris Johnson. Nigel Farage. Steve Bannon. That little guy named after a Bank. All will be in the running to get their face on the first £1,000,000 bank note ever produced in the United Kingdom.

“I would personally give the honour to David Cameron,” the Treasury insider said, “as his contribution to the current state of affairs should never be forgotten.”

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Arlene Foster expected to tell Boris Johnson she wants the cash in Euros this time

EU KNOW I KNOW EU KNOW : Current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Arlene Foster, is to tell stand up comedy act which has exploded into a bonfire of political crap, Boris Johnson, that she wants the cash in Euros this time.

“It’s the smart move,” our temporary governments correspondent muses, “Boris Johnson is carrying on with the same strong and stable approach to government that Theresa May took, while provincial governor of England under Foster. So every time Boris talks pound sterling will dive. Which is intentional, most likely, as so many backers of Mr Johnson have wealth hoarded in offshore, foreign currency accounts. Euros is the smart move.”

It’s not clear how many Euros Ms Foster will demand in order to appoint Mr Johnson as the dirty cat box of Downing Street, but it may well be considerably more than Ms May had to pay.

“It’s just a good thing we had all those years of unnecessary austerity,” our correspondent says, “or the government wouldn’t be awash with cash for vanity projects, such as Mr Johnson pretending to run something.”

The Euros will be easy to supply however. Mr Johnson will simply have to uproot some of the roots left under the ground down stump of the magic money tree. Then he can take them to a bureau de change at an airport, turn the pounds into Euros and put the lot in a bag.

After the deal is done Mr Johnson is expected to stand on the steps of Stormont and give a major speech promising “strong and stable government, just like we have here in Northern Ireland under the Conservative and Unionist Party”.

The strong and stable will continue to be a catchphrase because he is just replaying May’s time as provincial puppet, but faster. Which is nice, it means he won’t last longer.

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Blonde man sedated after seeing himself in mirror and spontaneously booing

LOVE LOVE ME SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME : Reports tonight from central London tonight that a blonde man has been sedated after seeing himself in a mirror and spontaneously booing.

“It’s believed the unplanned reflection occurred shortly after a return from a hastily scheduled trip to Wales,” our London correspondent reports, “the man, described by witnesses as an idiot and a charlatan promoted well beyond his competency by currency speculators, was walking along the hall of his new home when he accidentally looked to the left.”

It’s not known if the mirror in question was there prior to the return from the colony of vowels that look like consonants (to the blonde man), or if his live in mistress hung the mirror during his absence as payback for an argument focused on a laptop a few weeks ago.

”It’s not believed the man, described by additional witnesses as a mash up between Daedalus and Narcissus (not the wee daffodil kind), was expecting to boo himself. Rather it’s thought recent public outings may have had a serious, presumably short term, impact on his self esteem.”

He is being treated at a private hospital in the city with a heavy dose of barbiturates and a rolling film reel of times when he was adored.

”A partial recovery is expected. Doctors intend to keep the blonde man under sedation and whisper into his ear the sort of complete and utter, unjustifiable, self reinforcing garbage he tells himself in the quiet hours.”

Public outings are expected to be better organised from now on, to avoid spontaneous booing of the kind that are believed to have triggered the event.

”He’s replaying his predecessor’s time in office on fast forward,” the correspondent notes, “so we expect as part of the cure he will now only appear in isolated locations with a handpicked audience of bribed performers.”

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Dominic Raab promises swift trade deals with Laurasia and Gondwana post Brexit, after studying map

THE NAVIGATOR : The British Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic “the domino” Raab, risks upsetting an eager Commonwealth today after he announced his intention to seek swift FTA’s with alternative places first, post Brexit.

”They’re gagging for it anyway,” Dominic Raab smugly smiled, appearing before the Exiting the EU parliamentary committee this lunch time, “they’ve already whipped their knickers off after seeing my unblinking demeaning demeanour. We can hit other hot spots first. Laurasia. Does the European Union trade with them? Or do they slap them with pernicious tariffs in a protectionist racket designed to keep the single market single? Well, I say it should be polyamorous. And that’s what Brexit Britain will be.”

After this outburst, Raab’s pulsating vein of a brain had more to say, but this time more relaxed, almost dreamlike.

”You know before I studied the map that someone in my department pinned to the wall, next to the portrait of me,” Dominic “uncharted territories” Raab revealed, “I hadn’t quite fully appreciated that America and Africa were joined in one land mass. This will makes sorting out FTA’s much easier. We can just walk from one to the other.”

Other surprises were also related.

”We have no intention of putting a customs border down the Pangea Sea,” he asserted, “if that happens that will be the fault of the EU and its bullying intransigence.”

Then he wrapped it up with what seemed a repetition of his earlier questions about Laurasia.

”Seriously, what tariffs does the EU impose on Laurasia?” he asked, still throbbing at the temples, “I’d like to know. I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me.”

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Pound Sterling gagged by Downing Street

HEAVY FOOTED POUNDING : The United Kingston’s fiat currency, Pound Sterling, has been gagged by Downing Street today to stop news of its continued unpatriotic slide.

”It’s a bloody remonaner,” a newly appointed treasury official commented IN DISGUST, “it’s been told to be more dollar and to shut up!”

But although the gagging order effectively prevents the currency talking to news media, it seems not everyone has got the memo.

”A penny must be leaking it to the markets,” the official, whose last job was coordinating carpet bagging strategies for Vote Gammon added, “a bad penny. An unpatriotic BAD PENNY GLOOMSAYING AMD TALKING GLOBAL BRITONS DOWN.”

And while the swift action of the new administration in Downing Street may at least squeeze the squeeze on sterling and buffer the buffeting, it seems international investors are still choosing to put their money elsewhere. Such as the currencies of countries that have not gone completely insane.

”It’s good for exporters,” the official explained, “it means they can pay more for the components they import and charge more when they export. They’re getting richer. We’re all getting richer. You now need to take more pounds with you when you go on holiday. Which means you have more pounds. It’s not just the disaster capitalists organising all these with their useful idiot frontmen in politics that are GETTING EVEN RICHER.”

But pressured to explain why he has gagged the currency, prime minister Boris Johnson sought to divert attention away from the topic.

”Who doesn’t like a good, strong powerful pound? What ho!” before rushing out the back door in search of a front door to rush into.

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Back Door Boris : British Bulldog downgraded to English Chihuahua

YAPPY AND IRRITATING : Great news today of the revolution continuing across England, and its regions like Scotland, with the confirmation that the British bulldog has been up cycled into an English Chihuahua.

“It was Boris leaving Bute House by the back door that finished the job,” a Downing Street spokesman said, “something of which we’re all immensely proud. He arrived all barrel chested and big teeth, but left with his tail between his legs after the Scots revealed his actual spirit animal is not a bulldog, but something much, much smaller.”

Of course back door Boris is a dead cat, as with everything Boris does. While we’re all laughing at how the Scots roared and he ran, the pound continues to plummet and the Brexit backers, with their hoarded foreign currency (presumably), continue to snap up UK assets at an artificially knocked down price.

“It’s still important though, no matter how successful the distraction,” the aide mused, “now that he’s the holder of executive power perception is vital. So if he’s perceived to be a yappy, spoiled little pedigree, overbred and undertrained, it isn’t great longer term. But we’re here for a good time, not a long time, so get purchasing those assets!”

We here at LCD Views have long mused that Boris is essentially a bully. We’re not going to win any prizes for that insight. But what do bullies do? They make a lot of noise, they cast a long shadow, but when confronted with actual risk, they run.

Back door Boris. Keep barking back and watch him go into hiding as fast as his little legs will carry him. No wonder he’s not going to meet the EU heads of state anytime soon. He maybe our prime minister, but he’s no British bulldog bruv.

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Daily Telegraph favourite to win bad sex award 2019

Phwoooarrr Dominic Raab! The man with the pulsing vein and the unblinking stare is the hero in the Daily Telegraph’s serialisation of Send For Nurse Thatcher!

LCD Views’ Erotic Friction correspondent checked out the literary merits of the work, while chronicling the once-proud Telegraph’s descent into the gutter and beyond.

In this magnum opus, dominant Dominic chances upon a seemingly ailing maiden. He takes her in his manly, chiselled arms and fixes her with that seductive, unblinking stare. She swoons again as the vein in his temple pulses in time with the beat of her giddy heart. “Nurse!” called dom Dom. “Nurse Thatcher! Bring some of Maggie’s Magic Monetary Mixture!”

“Take that!” cried Nurse Thatcher, forcing a bitter pill down her throat. “It will hurt in the short term, but it will do you good! Dom, I’ll see you later. Don’t forget the gimp mask again, or six of the best will be the least of your worries!”

“Oh dum Dum, my saviour!” gasped the fair maiden. “I’m quite literally burning up, will you douse my flames? I want to make every single vein in your body pulse uncontrollably! Take me, take me, take me to freedom and the sunlit uplands!”

“You want sovereignty? I’ll give you sovereignty!” said dum Dum, standing up even straighter. “I will strike fear into you! Hang on, that’s not quite right, is it? Anyway,” he continued, vein pulsing, eyes bulging, glancing nervously at a handwritten document from Boris Johnson entitled ‘How to do it’. “Anyway, you said you wanted this, so let’s get it done before your husband gets home!”

No fair maiden in her right mind could resist such passionate overtures, but after several minutes of frenzied fumbling, the truth dawned upon the maiden. “You don’t know what you’re doing!” she stated. “And I can hear my husband parking his car! Quick, I’ll sneak you out of the back door!”

“The back door?” mused Dominic. “I never grasped the significance!”

Send For Nurse Thatcher! continues to be serialised in the Telegraph every bloody day for the rest of your life.

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Man who wants to leave union says we are stronger together

A man intent on leaving the European Union, come what May, is adamant that the Union between England and Scotland must be maintained. Union means Union. Except when it doesn’t. Obviously there’s good and bad on both sides.

The man who, unbelievably, is Prime Minister, is having an argument with Nicola Sturgeon. How dare you threaten our precious Union, the debate begins.

“Och aye Jimmy, we are sick of ye Sassenachs telling us what to doo,” replied Sturgeon. “We want oot, and we want oot the noo! Bung us £10bn and we’ll gie it another goo.”

“No, no, no, no, there’s no magic money tree,” Johnson replied. “It comes to this: we are stronger together. Splitting up is such a fibble fabble. Besides, I spent all the dosh on a propaganda campaign telling the world how simply spaffingly spiffing I am!”

“Why are ye so intent on leaving the EU then?” asked Sturgeon. “I see a wee contradiction there. Ye are kicking us in the Trossachs!”

“The UK is a Good Union,” explained Johnson. “But the EU is a Bad Union. 4 nations good, 28 nations bad!”

“Ooo, boke boke!” mimed Sturgeon, pretending to stick two fingers down her throat. “Pass the sick bucket. Enough with the Orwellian bullshit. Man, ye make me want to greet!”

“My dear old thing!” replied Johnson in mock alarm. “Orwell? This is the land of Shakespeare, of comedy and tragedy, sometimes simultaneously. To Brexit, or not to Brexit, that is the question. Now is the summer of your discontent. Come to Holyrood, today, in yellow stockings, cross-gartered, and I will deliver complete satisfaction!”

The position is quite clear. England wants Scotland to Remain, so it can Leave. Scotland wants to Leave, so it can Remain. “Hoo can ye squaur thes circle?” demanded Sturgeon.

“Don’t worry, my pussycat, I’ve got my best man on the case,” burbled Johnson. “Dominic Raab will sort all of you Johnnie foreigners ‘oot’, as soon as he finds ‘oot’ where wee bonnie Scotland is!”

Meanwhile, Sturgeon is busy making no deal plans. In a final statement, she declared: “I’m going to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall, and make England pay for it!”

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Throwing Brexit into a country hedge and walking away from it – trial run deemed complete success

READILY DISPOSABLE COMMODITY : A Brexit solution trial run, conducted over the weekend in the Brecon Beacons, has been hailed as a roaring success.

“A team from the University of Rocket Sciences and Brain surgeries wanted to see what would be the best way to solve that now age old problem of Brexit,” our hedge correspondent reports, “attacking it with logic proved largely pointless. So too appeals to the angels of Brexiters better nature, largely because they were found not to have any angels. So in the end the team decided to treat Brexit like the trash it is and just discard it in a hedge.”

And how did that work out?

”It was a complete success. The team dusted off their hands and walked away. In minutes even those in the group who had voted Leave had completely forgotten about it.”

So that’s Brexit solved then?

”Yes. The hedge has been cordoned off in case Brexit becomes toxic as it decays, but that is just a precaution. No one now can remember the exact hedge on the A…A4….well, the A road that was chosen for the experiment.”

Does this mean that Article 50 has now been revoked?

”That’s the only catch. The team demonstrated how easy it is to get rid of one particular Brexit. But, and this is the snag, there are so very many of them. For this solution to be nationwide extra hedges will have to be grown, right across the UK. Although predominantly in England.”

Isn’t there a way to speed the process up?

”Yes. You’ve already mentioned it. Revoke Article 50. Then instead of spending £100 million attempting to baffle and bullshit people into going to No Deal Brexit like lambs to the slaughter, the money could be spent on the NHS…”