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Nigel Farage uses FaceApp and it shows him Vladimir Putin

Unelected Brexit Party CEO and fully paid up Trumpian arse licker Nigel Farage has been playing with FaceApp. The app revealed the face of Russian bad boy Vladimir Putin.

“There must be some mistake,” coughed Farage, puffing on an EU-funded cigar. “It’s supposed to make you look older, like the portrait in my attic, not make me look like a baby-faced assassin!”

LCD Views’ Technology correspondent, Val Vamp, went to discuss the app with Farage.

“It doesn’t make me any older,” wheezed Farage irritably, blowing out expensive smoke.

“Putin is twelve years older than you,” Vamp pointed out. “Some people retain their youthful good looks. Now let’s have a look at your settings!”

Vamp fiddled with Farage’s phone for a few minutes, then looked up with a satisfied expression.

“Found it!” she said. “Don’t go into Settings, that’s useless. Instead choose the My FaceApp menu, the Applications sub-menu, then Processes, then Options, then… are you following this?”

“What? No,” admitted Farage. “I’m not interested in the details, I just want a quick and easy fix!”

“OK then, well here’s your problem,” said Vamp. “There’s a menu called Mask, and it had defaulted to showing you who is behind your public face. It is a simple algorithm that detects your social media activity.”

“Can you explain that in terms so simple that the average Brexiter could understand it?” asked Farage.

“It makes you look like your best mate,” said Vamp.

“Why does it do that?” said Farage. “Is it because of the EU?”

“Of course it is!” replied Vamp. “The EUParl_Free_WiFi makes it happen to prevent the app from harvesting your data. Look at what happens when I use it!”

FaceApp showed her a ginger cat. “And my data is safe!”

“Vladimir has my data anyway,” grumbled Farage.

Beware FaceApp. There is likely to be a general election in the offing, and it will start showing every man, woman and child the prematurely aged face of Nigel Farage.

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The Red Herring – he ain’t no superhero bruv, he’s a politician holding a fish

MARVELLING AT HIS DEEDS : ‘The Red Herring’, by Anti-Intellectual Arguments productions, is set to premiere next week across the UK, telling the story of a normal lying politician and his fight to gain absolute power, and destroy reality.

“It’s going to do wonders for popcorn sales in the UK and across the Channel,” our film critics guesses wildly, “you can guarantee from the moment this tragic-comic caper of a bungling, fluffy haired toff, transformed into a super villain by a non-refrigerated kipper, hits the screens it’ll be bums on seats. Strap yourself in and be prepared to scream. Mostly in frustration.”

But it’s not just the story of The Red Herring, it’s also about his friends.

The former reality TV star transformed into a Defence Secretary, now battling Iran, with everyone baffled why they’re picking on her when Brexit is enough to contend with.

The Slippery Toad, a little boy called Gove, taken into the tower of a crazed, meglomaniac, newsprint emperor and sent back out to destroy the world. But he may just be the only hope everyone has of stopping The Red Herring before it’s too late.

Little Liam, who just wants to do a deal with someone, but can’t seem to find the words to make it happen if he can’t find his friend behind the curtain.

“There’s too many characters for one film really,” our critic muses, “they should all have their own disaster movie. Maybe this is just the start of a franchise of feature films? They all spin off from reality and carve their own destiny on the dreams of ordinary people?”

Who knows what thrills lie in store? There will definitely be lying in store, of that there is no doubt as this slippery customer lands on the banks of the Thames and seeks to stop his legacy from swimming with the fishes.

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Chris Grayling sends Captain Pugwash to reclaim captured ships

Kipper me capstans! Chris Grayling is getting a pizza the action. The man who brought you the shipless ferry company operating as an Italian takeaway is offering a solution to retrieving the ships captured by Iran. He is sending our top Naval officer, Captain Pugwash, to reclaim them.

“Captain Pugwash has an excellent record when it comes to dealing with pirates,” claimed Grayling. “I’ve seen all the documentaries!”

Grayling is sending a top-calibre crew with Captain Pugwash. Along with trusty stalwarts like Master Bates, Seaman Staines, and Roger the Cabin Boy, the navigator on the mission will be our very own geographer in chief, Dominic Raab.

“The Iranian pirates have seized our ships because some of the cargo wasn’t halal,” claims Grayling. “Specifically, the Hawaiian pizzas. Pugwash is tasked with retrieving the supplies of British pizzas and British pasta. We are calling the mission Operation Pirates of the Carbonara!”

The chief of the Iranian pirates is rumoured to be the well-known bigmouth Yahir Al-Ottokrap. “You hear a lot of crap about him,” remarked Grayling. “In order to deny him the publicity he so dearly craves, we have issued him with the codename of Cut-Throat Jake.”

Captain Pugwash’s ship, The Black Pig, is due to sail as soon as the risk assessment is completed. “To be honest, since Britannia waives the rules, this will be a box-ticking exercise,” said Grayling. “So the government has supplied Pugwash with plenty of pizza boxes. Ticking must be a naval term for filling them with food, I suppose.”

Grayling recognises that there are tricky waters to navigate. “I’ve given Pugwash a map!” he says. “It has a big black cross on it, labelled ‘treasure’. That should do the trick!”

Pugwash has requested further guidance. “I need to tell him which way to go,” admits Grayling. “Left or right. Or to use nautical terms, port or starboard. Well, the ship is in port, so I guess they must go starboard.”

The ship will sail from Dover, as soon as Raab finds out where it is.

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I would probably be PM by now if I had waved a fish in the air, says Jeremy Hunt

When the chips are down, the fish must rise, according to Jeremy C. Hunt. This is what distinguishes a true leader from an also-ran.

The Tory leadership race is getting less and less exciting as it approaches its climax. There was a brief interlude when Hunt, if not exactly winning, was not exactly losing either, and the race briefly started to look interesting. Then Boris Johnson pulled a kipper out of a hat and that was that.

“I wish I had thought of that,” mused a downcast Hunt, to anybody still paying him attention in the name of balance. “I was closing the gap, well Boris was making a complete arse of himself as usual, and I was in with a sniff. If only I had waved a fish in the air at that point, the keys to Number Ten would be as good as mine!”

The future of the Conservative Party, the success (or otherwise) of Brexit, and the security of the UK all come down to this. Who has the imagination, the chutzpah, the sheer courage to wave a fish in the air?

“The British voting public have airways appreciated a fishy stunt,” carped commentator Rod Andlyne. “The fish slapping dance, for example. Michael Palin was pushed into Teddington Lock by the Hand of Cod. He fell off his perch, and now he’s a national treasure!”

Floundering a little, he continued. “Trout means trout!” he said, rising to the bait. “Boris is a big fish in a very small pond. Hunt is a minnow by comparison. The Tories have fallen for it, hook, line and sinker. Boris just needs to finish reeling them in. He’s having a whale of a time!”

Hunt’s stunt trouble has cost him dearly. He is clearly just a prawn on a very large chessboard. The Tory leadership race is a very fishy business.

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British man to become living embodiment of “be careful what you wish for”

RUNE CAST : A British man is all set to become the living embodiment of the old saying “be careful what you wish for, you might just get it”.

The man in question is widely tipped to gain a promotion next week, well above his actual ability.

”That’s when it happens,” our crystal ball gazer advises, “the man has always wanted to become prime minister. Apparently he sees it as his birthright or something. His entire adult career trajectory has been directed at that end. Essentially he wants to notch the U.K. onto his bed head. Oh, and to even the score with some old school chums, because apparently that’s how you run a country when you’re in your mid-50’s. Physically, if not mentally or emotionally.”

What the country will think of the man getting his wish seems fairly certain too.

”There’s a small, influential group of voters that think somehow voting for the man to replace Theresa May as prime minister will make themselves feel better. It won’t. And no one is going to thank them for it.”

But might not the man surprise everyone when (assuming things play out as forecast for next week) he gets the top job? Maybe he’ll reveal he’s been working on a detailed and feasible plan of action all along?

”Fat chance,” our expert says, “just the other day he was waving a red herring about a stage. Not exactly Churchillian now, is it.”

Good luck Global Britons. You need it. We’re not going to wish the man luck, he deserves everything he gets if he gets what he’s wished so long for.

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Operation ‘thick as minced meat’ tricked EU into thinking UK had Brexit plan

IT’S ALL IN HIS HEAD : That old stalwart of British political comedy, David Davis, splashed back onto the country’s screens last night as he delved deep into the wrinkles of his mind to tell how he pulled a prank on the boring, detail obsessed people in Europe.

“I took inspiration from British military history,” Davis related, “and my own training in the SAS. You know I can kill a man with my bare hands? But I prefer to just confuse them to death instead. That’s risky. You have to be careful not to terminally confuse yourself in the process.”

The history he referred to was the famous WW2 Operation Mincemeat by which allied military intelligence tricked the enemy into believing we were doing what we weren’t.

“Of course we didn’t need the intelligence this time,” Davis advised, “that would just have confused us. No. I just used my own brain. It’s often bandied about that I’m thick as mince, well, I proved that and took the EU for one hell of a ride.”

The central deception appears to have been fooling the EU into thinking the UK’s government, and Brexit pushers like David Davis, actually had a plan.

“You don’t need a plan when all you’re planning to do is crash your economy,” Davis smiled, “smash and grab. It was all going really well. I can’t remember which MP it was that declared we should immediately trigger Article 50 on the 24th June 2016, but that would have ensured Operation : Thick as minced meat was a slam dunk. Failing to act when we had the wind at our backs, not failing to plan, that was where it went wrong.”

Still, it’s not a total loss. With the pound trading near parity to the Euro and expected to reach similar levels with the dollar by the end of the year, it’s all still to play for if you’ve hoarded money offshore for years.

“We’re still fooling the EU today,” Davis grinned, “even now people are assuming that Boris Johnson has some plan. Ha! Operation : Thick as minced meat is alive and kicking and the EU haven’t got a clue as to what we’re going to do about Brexit now. Which makes two of us!”

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EU will have to face consequences of no Farage in EU – Brexiters hit back at Barnier

TAKE THAT : Leading Brexiters have hit back at the arrogance of lead EU Brexit negotiator, Michel Barnier, today in an incendiary firestorm of nerr nerr.

“Yeah well, so what, do I look bovered?” Andrea Jenkyns was beleived to be first out of the blocks on twitter, “if we face hardship as a result of tje entirely democratic decision to suspend our elected parliament so an autocratic prime minister can willingly force nearly 70m people to stand in ration queues, the EU will suffer too.”

Quite what the suffering will be, apart from a dry cleaning bill, as Global Britain blows its legs off, isn’t entirely clear, until Andrew Bridgen was thought to come up with the answer.

”The EU will have to face consequences of no Nigel Farage in the EU parliament,” one of the wee men of British politics slammed back, “imagine that? The EU’s accounts department will have massive waste on its hands. No one having to audit Brexit Party MEP expense accounts looking for fraud? Suck that up.”

And that won’t be all. Without Farage and his fellow travellers in the EU, the so called parliament is likely to suffer a serious drop in YouTube exposure.

”They better hope some other far right dipshit is prepared to step up to the plate, show up for a few minutes now and then to grandstand, making a joke of their home country and filming it, before buggering off to upload it to YouTube. It’ll be like the EU doesn’t exist anymore.”

Global Britain, now the size of a marble and shrinking. Take that EU! In your face!

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May planning to booby trap Boris’ premiership by revoking Article 50

Outgoing Prime Minister Theresa May has one last trick up her sleeve. Before she exits stage left, pursued by a Boris, she is planning to booby trap her successor. Her final act as PM will be to revoke Article 50 in secret.

“Booby trap means booby trap,” warned Number Ten spokesman Torr Tology. “It means everything, and nothing. May will have her revenge on the saboteurs, the bastards, the traitors. It will be sweet to stick two very British fingers up at Boris Johnson, who is a bigger danger to the Conservative Party than any policy he could possibly dream up.”

Boris Johnson was not impressed. “What a load of contemporaneous gibberish!” he waffled, waving a limp fish excitedly. “I call it Theresa, the fish I mean. I’ve stitched her up like a kipper!”

“I’ve got a fish too!” called Jeremy Hunt from the sidelines. “Look at me! Look at me! My fish has a name as well!  I call it… err… um… Fishy McFishface!”

It’s not about the fish, of course. That’s another distraction, another of Boris’ schoolboy pranks on the world stage.

“Don’t make the mistake of thinking Theresa doesn’t have the balls to do it,” said Tology, ominously. “She has more balls than a snooker club!”

It would be the ultimate snook to cock. What better way to leave your mark on history?

“It would be an admission of failure,” agreed Tology. “And Tories never do that unless there is some political advantage to be gained. It’s also a massive vote of no confidence in her likely successor. It makes her leave office as an unlikely hero!”

To borrow her own terminology, making herself a loser will actually make her one of the biggest winners. That’s how Brexit works.

Theresa May, the woman who saved the country from itself? Now there is a legacy to be proud of.

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Winner takes fall – Johnson becomes first prime minister to lose Commons vote before taking office

BREXIT WILL EAT BORIS JOHNSON WHOLE AND SHIT HIM OUT IN DRY PIECES : Democracy in the U.K. is in intensive care at the moment, but it’s not dead and may not even be in total coma.

The encouraging news comes after the House of Commons passed a key Lords amendment to a NI bill earlier, making Boris Johnson’s suspected plan to go rogue and prorogue parliament (to force through a No Deal Brexit) much, much harder.

https://www.politics.co.uk/blogs/2019/07/18/first-blood-parliament-blocks-boris-johnson-s-plan-to-sideli

“Even the usual Lexit Labour rebels, who should probably piss off and join the Tories, couldn’t save the next prime minister’s skin this time,” our Westminster watcher reports, “this is because there were so many Tory ones starting to freak about how much batshit insanity is going to be attached to their legacy.”

(*image courtesy of Jim Pickard’s Twitter feed @PickardJE)

But of course the real winner from today’s votes in the House of Commons is Brexit. We decided to talk to Brexit to see how it is feeling.

”I’m speeding up my work,” Brexit told us, busy with the length of rusting steel cable it uses as dental floss, “here, hang on, Theresa May’s thigh bone is stuck between my molars. Give’s a sec.”

We waited while Brexit scraped the brittle bone from between its fangs. We waited longer still while it first inspected the wreckage of the outgoing prime minister and then slowly ground down the bone.

”I’m so keen to devour my third Tory prime minister in a row that I’ve started on Boris Johnson before he’s even prime minister. He’s already charred his buttocks with his endless pants fires for me. I’m going to splash on some Tabasco and get stuck in for dinner.”

In a world where liars are ruling too many domains and the U.K. looks set to have its only Trump style evil clown installed as prime minister, it’s encouraging to know that Brexit, helped by some MPs, is wetting it lips and waiting for breakfast.

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Misleading distraction appears on stage waving red herring

DONE UP LIKE A KIPPER : The favourite to replace Theresa May as the UK’s worst living prime minister, Boris de piffle Alexander the not great Johnson, took to the stage of the final Tory leadership hustings last night holding his target voter.

“He’s been getting geographical advice from Dominic Raab,” a disgruntled audience bloater (who bizarrely is expecting sensible government to return via his party) grumbled, “he was banging on about EU red tape and its impact on an Isle of Man fish smoker, but the Isle of Man is neither in the EU nor the UK. It’s a crown dependency. So what’s the relevance of that? Except to show that our exporters are going to have a harder time out of the EU? Which they won’t. Because we’re Global Britain and the world’s most powerful trading bloc will clearly just lie down before us if we just believe in Brexit enough.”

Suspicions that waving the smoked herring about the stage was simply a misleading and irrelevant distraction have followed the stunt, but also concerns over the UK’s supply of dead cats.

“It makes a change from throwing a dead cat on the table,” the bloater sighed, “maybe Donald Trump has used up this week’s international supply of racism?”

All that said, the red herring was well received by most audience members, as reality is no longer necessary.

“By waving one of us on stage he shows how much he cares about kippers,” a kipper kippered, “we just have to believe in Boris and the whole of the UK will be done up like a kipper. Which will be nice.”