Daniel Hannan’s head and heart to be mined for the rock and stone needed to build new hard border

LCD Views can report on great new cost saving methods by the visionary Conservative administration in Westminster with the plan to mine D. Hannan’s head and heart for the rock and stone needed to construct the revitalised hard border between NI and the Republic of Ireland.

“He actually volunteered,” customs post designer (and Brexiter), E E Jit told LCD,

“he phoned Theresa May up personally and instead of giving her his usual hour long diatribe on how soft she is on the disabled, he made the offer, and then lectured her about building workhouses for the undeserving poor after.”

It’s encouraging news, as Brexit is expected to lead to little spare cash in the future.

“It’s very timely,” E E Jit continued, “right now I’m secretly drawing up the plans to just f*ck everyone in Northern Ireland and the Republic sideways and hope we can blame it on the EU for the intransigence regarding international law.”

It appears Owen Patterson, more famous for once exporting a lamb chop via sea mail is part of the design team.

“Owen is great. He’s coming up with nifty new ways to sell the concept of a return to paramilitary violence to the British public.

He’s suggested the GFA has outlived its usefulness, but I think he’s drawing too much on his own experience there. He needs a little distance.

That said, his plan to replace it with the Selfish Saturday Agreement has some legitimacy.”

But what about people who are concerned that Daniel may suffer if he gives too much of his heart? Just for customs officers to hang about in cute little huts until they get mortared?

“Hannan is medically unique.

He’s borderline sociopathic in personality, probably. Talk to anyone who’s had to deal with him and they will tell you the air gets very cold very fast.

But this means he really commits to humanitarian causes he cares about.

Such as destabilising the lives of millions of people on racial grounds, and all in the service of tax havens! He’s basically a reptile that survived the comet that wiped out the other giant lizards.”

Mining of Hannan’s heart is already underway and the hot mantle inside his chest is expected to produce as much stone, via violent emotive eruptions, as is needed.

“Combine the rocks in his head with the ones rattling about old Owen’s empathy free walking corpse and I’d say you’ve just the right amount of material needed to piss away decades of progress.”

Which will be nice.

Interested parties are advised it’s possible to sponsor a ‘Hannan Brick’, but only if you’ve prepared to vomit bile all over the GFA.

As a side note, someone please locate our official opposition party to oppose Brexit before our pubs start blowing up again, anytime soon would be nice.

Weather travel warnings issued for Somerset and parts of central London over danger of Jacob Rees-fog

A severe weather warning about the inherent danger of Jacob Rees-fog has been issued for Somerset and parts of central London.

”It’s a type of poison fog,” Fichael Mish, meteorologist with the University of Democratic weather, told LCD Views.

”We believe it results from voting patterns in North East Somerset in recent years, but it has spread about the English countryside since 2016 and now is liable to cloud vision in any area of the country, but most notably in Westminster and anywhere the future of the U.K. is being discussed.”

The fog appears to rise and sink away intermittently.

”It’s normally accompanied by some half baked conspiracy to malign a democratic institution like the civil service or judiciary, which backfires, and then the fog dissipates for a period while the underlying causes draws in energy from the macro weather systems. It’s especially dangerous if you’re navigating across the English Channel.”

It’s warned that attempting to navigate in an episode of Jacob Rees-fog is potentially hazardous to your mind.

”The safest form of travel, if you find yourself in the fog, is anything popular before the invention of the internal combustion engine, coach, horse and cart.

But not hot air balloon as that’s a French thing and Rees-fog seems to attack the material made to use lighter than air machines. It seems to get almost malignant if you try and rise above it. It wants you below.”

Yes, what about those silly people who believe it has a supernatural cause and not a natural one?

”You’re talking about the new measures being introduced by the EU in 2019 to clamp down on tax avoidance as a result of the revelations in the Paradise and Panama Papers?”

Yes. It seems the fog is related to Brexit weather patterns? According to some experts.

”Total rot.

How could the neocon ideological drive to undermine the ability to clamp down on massive tax evasion by withdrawing England (no one is thinking about the rest of the nations of course) from the scrutiny inherent in treaties and union involving twenty seven other democracies have anything to do with an “emerging market” capitalist shrouding the land in olde world styled, vision obscuring fog?” 

Donald Trump criticised by President Trump for not acting over warnings about Donald Trump

President Trump has lashed out at Donald Trump today and savaged him for not acting on clear warnings about the danger posed to all by President Trump.

”Donald Trump is not fit to be president,” President Donald Trump slammed Donald Trump.

”Not only does he take photos with his thumbs up and grinning like the deranged clown we know he is with first responders to America’s latest school shooting, but he then tries to use the horrific murder of children in his increasingly desperate attempts to malign the FBI?

Only a self absorbed narcissistic, tub thumping, criminally minded lunatic would use the grief of families for political ends barely a day after the event.”

It’s not clear how Donald Trump will respond to the take down of Donald Trump by someone thought to be his greatest admirer, but twitter is said to be preparing for a battery of self justification and insults in the early hours of the morning.

”We can’t do anything about Donald Trump, even when he retweets fabricated racist videos,” a representative for the social media platform sighed, “did you see we actually made a profit in the last quarter of last year?

That’s thanks to the insane rankings of Donald Trump and all the new users who have joined the network to take him on.

He’s the golden goose, well, at least until he is arraigned in court sometime before Christmas this year.”

But Donald Trump does have his defenders.

The NRA, a profitable fun lobby group, has been quick to leap to the defence of Donald Trump in the face of Donald Trump’s attacks.

”How many dead kids is a profitable foundation myth worth? A lot, that’s how many. It’s a faith based argument and it is worth billions.

Sure other developed countries had a few little massacres and decided to get rid of the semi-automatics, while still leaving actual hunting rifles to those who require them. and have had virtually no mass shootings since, but how are those people going to fight the airforces and cruise missiles of a rogue government without military grade rifles?

There’s no correaltion and my conscience is buffered by my faith and my share portfolio. Because I’m worth it.”

Asked what a patriot should do if they feel themselves tempted by the most screamingly obvious way to stop insane teenage boys from mass murdering children, the rep had this to say,

”I’ll tell you what you should do,” he advised, “don’t go to YouTube and look up that video of the guy attempting the mass shooting with the height of rifle tech when the 2nd was written.

It could ruin your day with a logic bomb. And we all know how deadly they are!

And don’t let Trump see it, it’ll confuse the hell out of him. He’ll think it’s an advert for Diet Coke and he’ll be livid when there’s no girls in bikinis by the end.”

Asked what he intended to do about Donald Trump, given he is clearly unhinged and dangerous, and prevention would be better than cure, Donald Trump said,

”Probably apply for political asylum in Russia. Or maybe declare Mar-a lago a republic. I haven’t decided yet, do you know when the FBI is planning to arrest him? Check Hilary’s emails. It’s all in there.

It took about 18months to bring down Nixon, so the clock is ticking.”

Sex tourist sues Welsh earthquake after the earth fails to move

Amorous explorer Betty Stoolittle announced her intention to sue the recent Welsh earthquake. She felt nothing; it was only later when she checked social media that she realised that it had happened.

“I was promised massive peaks,” said a clearly disappointed Stoolittle. “So I climbed on top of Moel Inahoel. I ached all over afterwards but the earth didn’t move.”

Then there were valleys to be explored. “Yes, Cwm Hither, Cwm Toobedd, Cwm Threetimes,” she moaned. “We went right to the end of the valley, but still the earth did not move.”

But the earthquake was the last straw for Stoolittle. “The earth finally moved and I didn’t feel it! That really put the anti into climax.”

She’s not the only one. “It’s a clear breach of the Trades Description Act,” said women’s rights campaigner Dipti Wick. “I’ve felt bigger tremors after my husband has had a vindaloo.”

In fact, the only happy people are the Health & Safety brigade. Instead of going mad and insisting that anyone within 50 miles of Neath wears six inches of protective padding, they have remained relatively sane.

Earthquake-oligist Rick Terscale put the situation into perspective. “Don’t forget this is Wales we are talking about, boyo,” he chided. “You are more likely to get bitten by a dragon than feel the earth move.”

“If Ms Stoolittle really wants to feel the earth move, I suggest she tries the Pacific Ocean coasts,” he continued. “The ring of fire. Though admittedly that isn’t to everybody’s taste.”

It’s all too do with tectonics and seismic activity, Terscale asserts. “Come again?” said Stoolittle. “Actually, once would be nice.”

Meanwhile, elsewhere the effects are still being felt. Aftershocks have allegedly been felt in some of the nether regions of Wales. Barry Island has been swamped by a freak tsunami, causing vast amounts of improvements to the residents’ lives.

Stoolittle is wasting no time in her quest to feel the earth move. She is planning an excursion to Digger World.

Jacob everyman’s guide to living within your means on cheap food, cheap clothing and cheap footwear

We have all heard Jacob and his daily chant in TV interviews of cheap food, clothing and footwear for Britain post brexit. So we decided to send I P Standing over to meet Jacob at his favourite Westminster tea room for more detail.

He managed to grab 10mins with the Moggster  over an earl grey, before Jacob had to get all powdered up for his next exclusive and filed the following report.

“Jacob”, I asked, “where do you buy your food? ”

“I get a hamper from Harrods delivered once a week. Great big basket filled with items bearing the Queens crest. If it’s good enough for her majesty it’s good enough for me. Any family who manages their budget can easily do the same.”

A frown did crease his brow momentarily.

“Although I have noticed a marked increase in price recently. I called El Fayad to ask why. He told me that he had to import the baskets from India and since the referendum and the fall in the pound, the cost has rocketed. He assured me the contents were legit and he hadn’t been fiddling with the labels.

I save all the labels for reuse when marking my staff, before I let them in the field for exercise.”

I next asked Jacob had he ever heard of Asda, Aldi or better still, Lidl?

” No,” he replied, “although my wife has shopped once in Waitrose. Like being in a cattle market she said to me… never again! ”

I said, “Asda, Aldi and Lidl offer some of the cheapest food in Europe!”

“They sound foreign, I don’t do foreign,” replied Jacob, “well, unless it’s an emerging market with a sensible approach to rule of law.”

Fair enuff.

“Clothing what about clothing? ”

“I get my suits from Saville row. I have one for every day of the week and I have my name tag sewn into the collar, JRM.

It reminds me of school and the fun we used to have in the dormitories. When the other boys would hide my silk satin jim jams.”

“Jim jams?” I asked.

“Pyjamas, the boys, Cameron and Johnson used hide them behind the gin and tonic vending machine. But I’d always find them because they had my name tag sewn in them. Well, my man would find them. But that’s the same thing.”

“Shirts what about shirts?” I asked.

“Shirts from my tailor, usually with a thin pin stripe….. although at weekends at home I wear one of those photocopier salesman ones. You know, blue with a thin white pin stripe and a white collar and white cuffs. It makes me feel………. dangerous.”

And ties?

“I like to wear a military style, something with a pretend insignia or coloured regimental stripe. I like to keep in tight with the military, you never know when I might need them post brexit. Always be prepared, that’s my family motto, always be prepared to order low born chaps to lay down their lives.”

“Jacob, have you ever heard of Matalan, H&M or better still Primark?” I asked, “You can buy trousers in there for a tenner and a couple of shirts for less than that. They have some of the cheapest clothes in Europe.”

“Matalan, H&M and Primark sounds like a group of invading vikings,” said Jacob. He looked a bit flushed.

“Well what about footwear, where do you buy your shoes?”

“I have a cobbler in Cheltenham he makes superb handmade brogues. Although he recently said he would have to increase his price as the leather is imported from Spain, and due to the weak pound he couldn’t hold his prices down. He also asked if I would settle my previous invoice? All in good time my man, all in good time.”

“Is there a good time to buy shoes?” I asked, thinking shoes maybe an emerging market.

“I always go when the Cheltenham national hunt festival is on. I like to be surrounded by all those Irish priests betting the sum of their annual church collections on the horses.

I like to be around like minded Catholics. Over the winnings we sup a Guinness and revel about anti abortion, anti gay and anti contraception. I feel so at home with them in that week in March.”

“Have you ever heard of Clarkes?

“No, what’s a clark?” replied Jacob.

“They are in Street, Somerset I think they are in your parliamentary constituency, they make shoes.”

“Shoes you say?”

“Yes shoes at very reasonable prices, all styles, you can even get brogues with a rubber sole.”

“I’m not wearing rubber soled shoes, dear boy, who do you think I am, Ian Duncan Smith? Creeping around the corridors of Westminster?

I only wear leather soles so people can hear me coming as I stride over the stone floors of Westminster.”

“Well thank you Jacob for sparing the time,” I said, touching the forelock and seeing in the buff shine of his shoes the future of Brexit Britain.

“I understand now why you would think Britain needs cheaper food, clothing and footwear.”

Lexit is more important than the NHS official opposition spokesman confirms

LCD Views interviewed shadow minister for fence sitting, C Ynical, earlier today and he revealed that for the official opposition achieving Lexit is more important than the NHS.

“No one will suffer once we have a government led by a man whose initials are the same as a famous religious figure,

“Although that in no way explains the sometimes kipper like love of denigration of opponents found in the social media posts of his worshippers. I mean, um, the membership of the party that belong to a militant, sectarian movement that has currently seized surface control of the party.”

They’re building a movement. Be patient. What’s the NHS or universal credit or looking like absolute asshats internationally compared to that?

“Lexit has been our long held goal since the 1970’s. You know the 1970’s? We had blue passports then. Blue passports will be the first tangible success of Lexit.”

When questioned if the official opposition shouldn’t oppose Brexit in order to tear a pack of reckless, greed driven, right wing idiots out of Downing Street, and by doing so, save the economy of tomorrow and the NHS, which media reports state is now so under resourced people are dying prematurely in corridors, the spokesman was adamant.

“Lexit is way more important. Jesus Christ comrade! You’re in danger of being first to the re-education camps with questions like that. I’m beginning to suspect you’re a class traitor Blairite. And we all know there is nothing, nothing worse than that.”

So it looks like the future for the NHS is pretty dicey.

The party that is busily running it down and privatising it is safe in government because the party that could tear them down wants them there to achieve Lexit.

Who’s to blame? Must be the ones stuck in the middle. Yeah. That’s who.

“Never attribute something to malice which can adequately be explained by stupidity,” Merkel responds with proverb to May’s call not to put political ideology first

“Never attribute something to malice which can adequately be explained by stupidity,” the EU has responded with a German proverb to May’s call not to put political ideology first in negotiations.

“We’ve been having a lot of trouble deciding if they [Torykippers] are thick as mince, solely greed driven or actually a combination of both and taking the piss,” Angela Merkel told LCD Views, “we know now.”

Angela Merkel was speaking after British Primed Minister, Theresa May, gave a rousing speech to a packed hall of European leaders in Munich, Germany, yesterday.

“The tickets for this event sold like hot cakes,” Merkel added, “everyone thought here comes one of the hottest properties in British stand up comedy for many years, right here to where we live.

How exciting! Everyone knows only British people laugh. We were hoping to learn a few things.”

But it seems the crowd were at first despondent as the gig got underway and then just upset with May.

“She is pursuing a political ideology first and foremost, given that every single reason put forward for Brexit has been demolished, largely by her own ministers, what else is she doing? And she tries to switch it and accuse us?

She’s going to look pretty bloody funny in a few months time when we tell Scotland it can stay in the EU if it votes to leave the UK before the end of a transition period.

I’ll give you some divide and conquer.”

Indeed.

“And then to suggest that it will be our fault if we can’t agree new arrangements post Brexit on security cooperation? When she is taking orders from proof Victorians invented time travel and Arlene Foster? What the actual?”

And May’s best lines only made things worse.

“Those who threaten our security would like nothing more than to see us fractured.”

“Your prime minister actually said that right here in Germany to all the of the EU. She is doing the bidding of teenagers in bot farms in the Balkans, is she just really dumb or a wind up merchant?”

Asked for a response to the scathing critical review of her act, Ms May released the following statement,

“At least I didn’t mention the war. Do you know how hard it is for a Brexiter to not mention the war?”

Well, all that proves is that she’s not really a Brexiter at heart, even though she has the right amount of xenophobia in her little Englander bones.

May’s season on the EU circuit is expected to continue until the curtain falls in spite of poor ticket sales. She’s already writing her next show too, titled, ‘I did not! You did to!’, which is aimed at the Conservative Party conference circuit.

 

Northern Ireland border problem solved by everyone doing the hokey cokey

The problem of the nature of the Northern Irish border with the Republic could be the rock on which Brexit founders. Until now. The solution is so simple and obvious a child could have thought of it. Everyone will simply do the hokey cokey.

“In? Out? Shake it all about!” exclaimed ‘Brexpert’ Abby Surdity. “It’s both and neither. The hokey cokey captures the paradox perfectly. Plus it sounds like something Boris Johnson would say.”

A hard border and frictionless trade? No longer a problem. You just put your left leg in, then put your left leg out again. Do the hokey cokey and turn around. Sorted.

Surdity goes on to reveal the source of the idea. “It was David Davis’s great-niece, Celia Deal. She’s only six, bless her.”

The Irish are delighted. “This is a solution we can all agree upon, to be sure,” said Republican spokesmick Paddy O’Fepicproportions. “Hokey cokey means a nod and a wink, turning a blind eye, and Guinness all round. Winner!”

Ulster is pleased, too. “First there is a border, then there is no border, then there is,” sang spokespaddy Donna Vann. “Do the hokey cokey and turn around. Everybody’s happy!”

“A nonsense rhyme is the perfect solution,” confirms Surdity. “A nonsense rhyme for a nonsense problem caused by a nonsense policy.”

Just as a Brexpert is a nonsense term for a nonsense position.

“The border is solid when we say so, and nonexistent at need,” claimed an unusually lucid mouthpiece for the DExEU. “Hokey means hokey, and red, white & blue means black & white. Our job is to shake it all about.”

So next time you see Irish people doing cross border trade by putting their whole selves in and out, shaking it all about, doing some undefined hand gestures and turning around, they are not auditioning for the Freemasons but simply being British.

That’s what it’s all about.

UKIP to be investigated by electoral commission over changing its mind

LCD Views is forced by our reluctant commitment to balance in news to report this evening on the horrifying news that UKIP is to be investigated by the electoral commission because they have changed their mind.

“We’re all deeply, deeply upset,” Rosie Searchlight said, while she gathered herself to phone the electoral commission.

“I don’t know why Titan doesn’t make this call? Treason like this is above my imaginary pay grade.”

She looked forlornly for help from other members of the editorial team, but all hid their faces. Cowards.

“Is that him screaming at a chair in his office?”

It seems the trauma to British democracy has come about as a result of a vote by UKIP’s NEC this afternoon to tear the leadership of the party away form Jeeves & Wooster character, Roderick Spode, who only escaped the book a few months back.

“I know all he’s done since he took up the reigns of British democracy is cheat on his wife and bang some racist entertainer, but May and Corbyn are in the process of dismantling our services industry and ending manufacturing of everything but baskets and cases in the UK, and building a wall of bigotry in the Channel by endorsing UKIP’s main goal, so it hardly seems fair.

A shed load of racism and idiocy is what we expect from the party that has set the country hurtling towards the cliff edge, just by winning some council seats when gutless wondershit David Cameron was president,” Green Searchlight blurted out, before asking Rosie for a hanky.

“Justice will have to take its course,” Rosie said, straightening her back,

“It is no longer British to change your mind just because you’ve made a complete balls up of a very important decision. In fact, it’s now against the law.

I don’t see how UKIP can escape a fine from the electoral commission that can only sink it, on top of that little libel matter.”

But people who maybe upset by this development are minded to be ready.

UKIP’s need to change leaders more often than most folk change underwear means that not in the future, but now, anyone and everyone will be leader of UKIP.

“Andy Warhol’s estate has been forced by events to update the famous quotation attributed to him, it now goes,

‘We now realise that Andy’s original pronouncement is somewhat outdated as due to Social Media everyone now has their 15 minutes of fame.

So the next 15 minute wonder has to be leading a quasi-human racist party promoted till all our ears bleed by the BBC.

UKIP are now inviting applications from anyone with half a brain. But request no one who is capable of using a knife and fork apply, as we only have spoons.”

Further consolation is offered by the reassurance that 95% of the license fee is now spent promoting UKIP and will continue to be spent in this way so long as the BBC, along with Tory and Labour Party leaderships, continue to believe that only the proportion of baby boomer electorate that didn’t evolve their politics is the only demographic that matters.

Your fifteen minutes is coming. Regardless if you fit that description or not. Be ready.

“I’m going to be ready,” Rosie and Green chorused, “we’re tweeting Daily Mail editorials from the 1930’s praising Hitler into cyberspace just to be sure.

We’ll have the racist cred required to lead UKIP and hold the major parties’ feet to the fire till they deliver our reason for being, Brexit.”

Are you ready? Are you ready to warm the seat until Nigel is ready to sit again? You could be called at any moment. In the meantime, chip in a few quid to keep the UKIP boat afloat, donations can be made by sending untraceable dark money via Crimea to N. Farage, wherever he’s staying right now, to keep ahead of the Mueller probe in America.

British woman pursuing hard right ideology to ask German leader to ignore what she’s doing

A British woman now famous for pursuing a hard right political ideology is to publicly ask the German leader Angela Merkel today to ignore that she’s pursuing a hard right political ideology and tell the German leader she’ll take the blame when it all goes wrong.

“It’s going to go great,” one of the Maybot’s technicians told our tech correspondent.

“We’ve got the bugs out of the speech algorithm so we don’t expect Maybot to cough at any point.”

But what about letters falling down during her speech?

“Oh, we have been really careful to make sure no Conservative cabinet MP’s are involved in the set design over in Munich,” the technician reassures,

“so there shouldn’t be any of that. Besides, this is Germany, they will have double checked it a few times and not just thrown it up in a rush before getting back to the free bar.”

Plans to just have Theresa shout “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? I AM LOOKING FOR THE AUTOBAHN TO BREXIT” over and over were binned when it was revealed that Merkel knows exactly where the road ends and is going to do her best not to publicly embarrass May by mentioning it in public.

“I think the best touch is the flourish where our prime minister tells the German leader not to let political ideology get in the way of security, when it’s our prime minister’s newly adopted hard right political ideology that is the one which is putting people’s security in question.

It’s a doubly nice twist when you consider what happened the last time hard right political ideology was allowed to flourish unchecked across Europe. Coming from us it will make an impression.

And it’s the sort of inherent contradiction we love in the UK these days.

We reckon it’ll confuse the flying spaghetti monster out of the Germans, who are actually very logical, don’t you know? It’s part of divide and conquer. We’ve a history of being very good at it.”

And what new catchphrases will May reveal today to help solidify German support for Brexit?

”There’s a real sense the German people have united behind Brexit and are determined to make a success of it.”

Anything about Russia?

”Yes, we will warn the Germans that they will have trouble doing exactly what the Kremlin wants to weaken security in Europe if they don’t help us make a success of Brexit.

We’re going to build a way, don’t you know? That should go down well.

And we want the Germans to pay for it.”

And to end?

“The autobahn to Brexit has no speed limit, so strap in, strap on and let’s make a success of it.”