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Misleading distraction appears on stage waving red herring

DONE UP LIKE A KIPPER : The favourite to replace Theresa May as the UK’s worst living prime minister, Boris de piffle Alexander the not great Johnson, took to the stage of the final Tory leadership hustings last night holding his target voter.

“He’s been getting geographical advice from Dominic Raab,” a disgruntled audience bloater (who bizarrely is expecting sensible government to return via his party) grumbled, “he was banging on about EU red tape and its impact on an Isle of Man fish smoker, but the Isle of Man is neither in the EU nor the UK. It’s a crown dependency. So what’s the relevance of that? Except to show that our exporters are going to have a harder time out of the EU? Which they won’t. Because we’re Global Britain and the world’s most powerful trading bloc will clearly just lie down before us if we just believe in Brexit enough.”

Suspicions that waving the smoked herring about the stage was simply a misleading and irrelevant distraction have followed the stunt, but also concerns over the UK’s supply of dead cats.

“It makes a change from throwing a dead cat on the table,” the bloater sighed, “maybe Donald Trump has used up this week’s international supply of racism?”

All that said, the red herring was well received by most audience members, as reality is no longer necessary.

“By waving one of us on stage he shows how much he cares about kippers,” a kipper kippered, “we just have to believe in Boris and the whole of the UK will be done up like a kipper. Which will be nice.”

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It’s not about winners and losers, says woman who lost everything

Divisive, absolutist language of winners and losers is not helpful, says Theresa May in her farewell speech. Her final, desperate plea to the nation is as likely to be heeded as much as all the others were.

“I’ve lost a few things in my time,” admitted the Prime Suspect Minister. “My majority, my credibility, my party. I once lost Brexit down the back of the sofa!”

Abandoned by friends and enemies alike, only one man stood by her. “My faithful Philip,” said May, with a facsimile of warmth crossing her face, streaks of rust descending from her eyes. “I think it’s only because I hid his credit card and won’t tell him where!”

May is determined not to be branded as a loser. “Look at my achievements!” she screeched. “The hostile environment! The ‘Go home’ vans! The popular, I mean populist, touch. It was hardly my fault that so many people actually like foreigners, working with them, making friends with them, marrying them. Who knew?”

May generously shared her worries. “I am genuinely worried about the current state of British politics,” she creaks. “Too many losers have embraced politics of division, identifying enemies to blame for our problems and offering apparently easy answers. When I find out who is responsible, I’m going to get very cross indeed!”

Nostradamus May there, accurately predicting the last three years.

“I am proud of my leadership,” she grated. “When negative forces warned that where I led, none would follow, I went there anyway. I was strong, I was stable, I was stubborn. I led, nobody followed. I stood alone. That’s what great leaders do!”

May was advised to go and take a long, hard look at herself in the mirror. “That won’t help,” she quipped, her humour chip activating. “I have no reflection!”

She concluded by looking ahead to her retirement from frontline politics. “I might become an MEP,” she suggested. “Or more likely, buy a shed and write my memoirs in it!”

The working title is believed to be, How Not To Be Prime Minister.

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Theresa May’s premiership declared fit for work by DWP

WALKING DEAD : Outgoing prime minister of Nowhere, Theresa May, received a boost today when her almost dead premiership was declared fit for work by the Department for Work and Pensions.

”It means that she can carry on doing the job she loves even though her job is on its last legs,” a DWP spokesman said, “just because she’s dragging herself along the pavement outside No 10 doesn’t mean she can’t still work full time as prime minister.”

The assessment, which was carried out by a medieval plague doctor, as befits Ms May’s time as prime minister, is suspected as being a backup plan for when that yersini pestis of British politics, Boris de waffle Johnson, takes over next week.

”We all know Boris isn’t going to do any bloody work, fit for it or most definitely not,” the insider insided, “so this decision to keep the old girl’s political corpse at work in the wheelhouse is such good governance. Contingency planning.”

Whether or not Ms May will contest the judgement isn’t clear, but there where hints in her goodbye speech today. Although she didn’t know at the time that she wasn’t going to be allowed an unearned rest.

”It’s everyone else’s fault but mine,” she told an assembled crowd, “you’re all bastards, every last man and dog amongst you. I hate you all. If you’d all just compromised and done exactly what my neurotic control freakery demanded I would have been just fine. You’d all be living an even bigger nightmare, but I would have been fine, safely cocooned in the insane room I’ve built deep inside my mind, happily ruling over a totalitarian hell in which people are solely judged based on accident of birth.”

We’ll take from that that she’s unlikely to appeal.

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Johnson to fire No Deal Brexit Ruddorcet missile at gutless unelected Brussels technocrats

BORIS BANDWAGONING : Soon to be crowned PM, Boris de piffle Johnson, has put a mighty Global Briton shot over the creaking, leaky, illegitimate, undemocratic bows of the gutless Brussels technocrats today by threatening them with a No Deal Brexit Ruddorcet missile.

”Just think about YOUR dry cleaning bill if we go for No Deal Brexit?” Rudd is being primed to whistle down at the sovereignty stealers, as she descends on them with more terminal velocity than her credibility.

The recent conversion to No Deal by the disgraced, undisgraced, soon to be re-disgraced cabinet minister is just the weapon in the armoury of bollocks that Mr Johnson needs.

“She was attracted by his work to promote women to positions of power,” our Rudderless Rudd insider revealed, “well, he promotes women to positions, various ones by all accounts. But it’s not only Mr Johnson’s clear determination to further the feminista cause that has attracted Mrs Rudd to his side.”

It’s the leverage of being in a Boris Johnson cabinet.

It’s the power of feeling like a weapon, primed and aimed at Brussels.

“We saw how effective threatening to blow ourselves up and force Brussels to deal with the fall out was for Ms May in negotiations,” the insider comments, “and it’s going to be just as effective for Boris. He hasn’t weakened the knees of the spreadsheet nerds across the channel with years of fabricated, propagandising nonsense for nothing! Their defences are faltering. When the Ruddorcet missile slams into the EU’s undemocratic parliament, well, it’ll be a mushroom! It may even be a cloud.”

To make sure she detonates squarely in Mr Von de legends 52% of illegitimacy’s face changes are going to be needed in Westminster.

“Whoever it is that is currently DExEU secretary? Anyone know? Mr Halifax? Mr TSB? Mr Santander? I don’t know. Some guy who took the chance to go into history’s dustbin when May offered it, he’s going to have to step aside. Rudd is going to be promoted by Boris to Brexit Secretary. And a fuse is going to be lit. Get your popcorn. There’s going to be fireworks.”

Watch out Brussels! We’re going to set off the doomsday device if you don’t give us everything we want! We’re Global Britain! And we know how to explode!

That’s what we talk about when we talk about leverage.

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52% of a vote has no legitimacy unless I like the result, says Nigel Farage

Professional gobshite Nigel Farage has condemned the election of Ursula von der Leyen as EU Commission President. He thinks that gaining the support of 52% of the electorate is insufficient.

“52% of the vote isn’t enough to elect the captain of a minor golf club!” seethed the mouthy mudslinger. “This vote has no legitimacy whatsoever!”

Translation: I don’t like this result.

Conversely, what about Brexit? After all, 52% of the electorate chose it. “The People voted for this!” said the jocular jackass on many, many occasions. “This is a mandate for the hardest Brexit imaginable, so hard it can cut diamonds. Anything else is a betrayal of democracy!”

Translation: I like this result.

“Do the maths!” thundered the self-appointed upholder of whatever form of democracy suits his own ends. “Von der Leyen only won by 9 votes. Brexit won by over a million votes. It’s a huge difference!”

So we did the maths. If you include the entire electorate in both cases, von der Leyen received 52% of the vote, including abstentions. On the same basis, Brexit received 37%. Even Numerate Nigel can’t argue that 37% has more legitimacy than 52%.

“You are twisting the facts to suit your narrative!” squealed the pompous populist. “That’s my job, not yours! You so-called experts, countering my blithering bluster with reasoned argument! It’s simply not on. The fact remains that Brexit is perfectly legitimate and von der Leyen is not!”

Translation: You shot down my argument in flames, so I’m just going to repeat what I want you to hear over and over until you give up.

It’s very strange, for someone so concerned with the legitimacy of a democratic vote, that Farage has been silent about the underhand methods used to manipulate the British electorate in the run up to the referendum. He has said nothing about data mining, dark money, undeclared donations or foreign interference, yet he gets very upset over a fair and transparent election.

Translation: You lost. Get over it!

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‘Dog Chasing Cars’ – Spaff Patrol’s Brexit song most played on UK radio

DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF I CATCH ONE : ‘Dog Chasing Cars’ by Spaff Patrol has been revealed as the most played song on UK radio, since 23rd June 2016, after a study of music downloads on streaming service Spaffify.

“It’s down to the excellent promotion work by Spaff Patrol’s front man, Boris de workingman Johnson,” our potatriotic music correspondent says, “going old skool with his band, getting on a bus and touring the UK, playing venues large and small is the key to the success.”

But it’s not only the willingness to hit the road and meet the punters that is pegged as boosting Spaff Patrol to the top of the patriot charts.

“Just look up the lyrics of the song, from the album ‘No Border Patrols We’re British’, and it’s Brexit all over, through and through,” our correspondent reveals, “from the first line and on.”

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone
“This is really telling the world that we are global and we don’t need anyone! Just like an emo kid overflowing with angst. If we just lie here someone will come along and lie with us.”

And it’s certain, just like a dog chasing cars, once Spaff Patrol’s Boris Johnson gets hold of the No 1 position in the land, he won’t know what to do with it either.

*Below is the link to ‘Chasing Cars’ to say sorry and thanks to Snow Patrol for the horrifying misuse of their song for the purposes of ripping the piss out of Brexit. It’s for a good cause though. 🙂

https://youtu.be/GemKqzILV4w

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Man caught at airport with half a kilo of white supremacy under his toupee

TRUMP LA LA : News reports are fizzing on the wires this evening that a man caught at Washington DC airport with half a kilo of white supremacy under his toupee maybe a famous reality TV star turned political activist.

”The man’s hair was obviously glued on,” our airport security correspondent reports, “and it was so badly glued on he drew everyone’s attention immediately. It was an incredibly stupid attempt to smuggle so much white supremacy onto a plane.”

But it wasn’t just the ridiculous hair that drew the attention of law enforcement officers.

”He was clearly off his rocker,” our correspondent continues, “proclaiming loudly ‘I’ve the greatest hair. Just the greatest hair. Nobody ever seen hair so great. Here, just watch me tweet about it’ and other absurd statements directly contradicted by the naked eye. But when he started ranting at how people without pure, aryan hair should just get on a plane and go back to where they came from, well, the gig was up.”

The individual in question was taken to a secure search area, and that only made things worse.

”He tried to search the officers. He kept saying he was famous, he could do what he wanted. It was only the black strip of cloth that he had tied across his face that prevented his early identification.”

Apparently the eye mask was left in place as no one could stomach looking in his eyes, but the toupee was searched.

”It was grim. There were numerous KKK members jammed under there burrowing into his curdled, overheating brain. Some white sheets. Crosses. Petrol. Matches. Copies of memoirs by famous fascists of the first half of the 20th century. And just all sorts of racist garbage.”

He was caught tiny handed and bang to rights.

”The court of public opinion has already found him guilty,” our correspondent adds, “only the most pathetic of political leaders won’t follow suit. Men like Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt.”

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We didn’t win ww2 so Nigel Farage wouldn’t be on the £50 note, say brexiters

It’s PC gone mad, claim Brexiters. Why is a gay man who voted remain on the new £50 note, when Nigel Farage is around? We didn’t beat the jerries for this. This is not a progressive symbol of Brexit!

https://news.sky.com/story/alan-turing-wwii-codebreaker-revealed-as-new-face-of-50-note-11763499

Very few Brexiters are willing to go on record, because they turn into whining snowflakes in the face of the PC police, but LCD Views found one who would.

“Print what the hell you like, I don’t care!” spat a furious Bill Dawall, MP for Reds-under-the-Bed. “I’ll say what I want, it’s a free country, which is why we need to kick out all the blacks and poofs and lefties!”

Dawall, resplendent in his MAGA hat, which was almost as red as his face, warmed to his theme.

“I say it as it is!” he bellowed. “You can’t turn your back on them or they jump you, they are on every street corner, I can’t go out any more, what a world, what a sad, sad world.”

While Dawall worked himself into a self-righteous rage, we nudged him back on topic. The £50 note, Bill.

“Now the lefty government is shoving people who didn’t even pick up a rifle and head to the frontline into our pockets!” he raged. “It’s a conspiracy! The international Communist movement controlling our government is forcing us to be PC gone mad! They are bending over backwards for a minority again, and ignoring the ordinary, hard-working, straight white man as usual. It’s PC gone completely crackers. We need to Nigel Farage right now to stop this madness!”

We reminded Bill that Alan Turing was a war hero, who cracked the Enigma code, shortening the war by 2 years and saving up to 14 million lives.

“Yeah, but he wasn’t in the Blitz, wasn’t he?” countered Dawall. “That’s what it’s all about. Yeah, you helped us win the war, now bye bye, you’re not wanted because you didn’t PICK UP A RIFLE AND HEAD TO THE FRONT WITH NIGEL. Now, Nigel is a true hero, saving us from all the bloody bluerowcrats in Brussels!”

With that he stumped back to his empty constituency office to nurse his xenophobia, homophobia and worry about how great Nigel looks with a pint.

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Revealed: Farage’s plot to fake own assassination with giant milkshake!

It’s no secret that Nigel Farage will do anything to get what he wants, but the full extent of that “anything” is only now becoming clear after a document was leaked to LCD Views detailing how Farage has been considering a move that sounds like it comes right out of a thriller.

The document in question refers to a plot by Farage to fake his own assassination in an attempt to gain martyr status for his own ends.

The leaked papers include finding a supporter of roughly the same height and build as Farage, giving him plastic surgery to make him into his doppelganger, and, through a series of intermediaries, hiring a hitman armed with a giant milkshake to take out said double at a high profile event, thus leading the world to think that Farage had been assassinated, thereby bringing sympathy to his cause.

The document makes the shocking statement “it worked for Abraham Lincoln so why not me?” – proving even further that there are no limits to his crass dismissive attitude towards people who disagree with him.

The document makes no final decisions on the identities of the people involved, but suggested a few names for each task. Plastic surgeon Luke Laikham was shocked to be under consideration:

“I can’t believe he’d have the nerve!” he said. “Turning a person into the absolute duplicate of someone famous is against my professional ethics.”

This was a refreshing statement, as we didn’t know their profession had any. It was also typical of the reactions of all other surgeons on the list. All plastic surgeons are now being asked to report any suspicious requests to authorities before proceeding with them. This may not stop Farage’s team from finding a disreputable one, of which there are definitely a few out there.

The job of the assassin had fewer candidates, and it seems here they were looking for someone who already hated Farage, as this meant he would be more likely to do the job for less. Top candidate Paul “the Trigger” Gunn-Mann (not his real name, that has been withheld for legal reasons) had this to say when approached:

“You mean I’d be offered a sum to drown that kipper in milk only for it to turn out that I’d killed some innocent dupe? That’s it. First chance I get I’m shooting him in the balls – well, the ball, given like his 1930’s hero he only has one. And I’m gonna make bloody sure it’s him before I do.”

Farage himself would be sitting quietly in the wings of this, hiding from the public eye before returning after a discreet interval (and some plastic surgery of his own so as not to be recognised) as his own heir apparent.

While the revelation was shocking, we at LCD Views don’t believe the plan would have been successful. Farage just doesn’t have the willpower to keep out of the public eye long enough to pull it off.

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Two world wars and two world cups, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Who needs EU? Not Jacob Rees-Mogg, who is getting all jingoistic because England won the cricket world cup on a technicality.

“One has updated the popular chant,” said the Georgian throwback, choosing his words with seemingly forensic precision. “Nanny says it’s healthy to retain an interest in the lower orders.”

The chant now goes, two world wars and TWO world cups. All without being part of the EU.

“Well, of course technically we are still part of the EU,” commented the pompous pipecleaner. “But the world cup win was nothing to do with their pettifogging bureaucracy or their funding of random minorities. It was one hundred percent English grit and courage. I am persuaded that our great victory would have been even more comprehensive if Brexit had already happened!”

Leaving aside the facts that freedom of movement enabled England to field an Irishman as captain, and that several team members are from immigrant families, England teams have won other world cups. In women’s cricket, for example.

“Unfortunately that doesn’t count,” claimed the top-hatted beanpole. “I expect women bowl underarm, and they use a tennis ball, probably, and they have to stop to make tea for their husbands every five minutes. It’s not the same!”

Not to mention all the times we won the rugby world cup.

“That doesn’t fit my argument, so I am going to ignore it completely,” argued the inexpert expert. “Cricket is the nation’s national sport, so it counts. Association football is popular, and vitally important because of all the money involved, of course. We won two wars against the EU on our own, and one world cup before we joined the EU, and now one when we are about to leave. The EU is the common enemy. England stands alone!”

At this point, the doctors returned to ensure Mr Rees-Mogg was safely in his straitjacket.

Win means win. A tied game, and a tied tie-breaker, decided eventually using an obscure rule. Obviously an overwhelming victory.

At least it’s only a game. Nobody would ever decide the future of a whole country like this.