Brexflix launches tonight 11pm – streaming service only showing British people punching themselves in the face

ALGORITHM OF PAIN : The British Government has announced the launch of a taxpayer funded, video streaming service today. Brexflix, which will only be showing videos of British people punching themselves in the face. It will go live at 12:00 CET tonight.

”It’s a tangible Brexit dividend,” our Westminster source said, “patriotic British people uploading photos of themselves punching themselves in the face. It proves we can pull together and get through Brexit. And now it’s over, how we feel about what we’ve won.”

The content will be entirely provided by potatriots and it’s expected the content will be endless.

”But don’t just settle for curling your fist and bopping yourself on the nose,” the source says, “get inventive. Wear a glove. Put on some knuckledusters. Hold your car keys while you do it. Perhaps even put on a French or German accent! We all know who is to blame for Brexit.”

Once the channel has been successfully launched it’s hoped the content will be as varied as the British political climate’s appetite for self harm.

”Make your hand into the shape of a pistol and pretend to blow off your foot,” the source encourages, “then pretend to shoot yourself in the other foot. Maybe the knees? It’s a hoot. That’s Brexit.”

The morale boosting service won’t contain advertising, which is great.

”This is because you’re already paying to fund it with your tax money. Every single penny is being spent on Brexit. That’s so patriotic.”

Other variations are to be encouraged too.

”Why not cut your nose off?” the source urges, “that’ll really teach your face not to mess with the will of the people.”

Brexit. Let’s make a success of it. And with the launch of Brexflix, we can show the whole world how to do it.

Boris Johnson cast as Baldrick after revealing he has a cunning plan for Brexit

A PLAN SO CUNNING YOU COULD STICK A PIN IN IT AND CALL IT A GRENADE : Boris Johnson MP has almost definitely won the prize role of Baldrick in the Westminster farce ‘Blackadder does Brexit” after revealing he has a cunning plan for Brexit.

The audition for the role of the biggest lovable idiot was touch and go for a while, before Boris rescued himself with the detail of his harebrained scheme.

”He’s not very lovable,” our theatre critic commented, “Boris I mean. Baldrick always is, the beaten dog who just keeps showing up optimistically for more, always eager to help. But not Boris. He’s a little miscast. But as the only other actor who wants the role is Jeremy Hunt, well…spoiled for choice isn’t the lot of the casting director.”

But whatever the misgivings of casting a posh, entitled, lazy bully in the role of Baldrick, Boris’ grasp of the detail seems to have won the day.

But what is his cunning plan for Brexit?

”He’s going to take the UK’s entire wealth, and whatever shreds are left of its international reputation and spend it all on a giant turnip.”

That will be a No Deal Brexit?

”Yes. Apparently it’s his dream turnip.”

But critics of the plan fear the turnip will just end up squashed on Mr Johnson’s head out of frustration by Blackadder.

But who is playing Blackadder in the Westminster production of ‘Blackadder does Brexit’?

“That’ll be the great British public,” our critic replied, “we seem to have an endless ability to trust in the plans of idiots.”

Alice in the Blunderworld, a tale of hope for the future!

LCD Views have had the privilege of an audience with Mystic Martin who looked into the future, and saw that Brexit, the great issue of our day, had been cancelled eventually.

The details of how that happened can be found elsewhere , but our tale is concerned with the visit of our reporter to see the ghost of Brexit.

Our reporter Alice went down to Blunderworld, the Dustbin of History, where everything that ever happened is eventually consigned.

She had to cross the river of Leaver Lies on a boat rowed by Karen the Careworn Couldn’t Care Less ferry person, who had previously played a part in the ferry services involved in Brexit. And she had the terms and conditions of her contract borrowed from a pizza firm to prove it.

“You must pay me the fee for rowing you to Blunderland” croaked Karen.

“What’s that?” asked Alice, hoping there wouldn’t be a scandal if she claimed this on expenses. “It’s one eu-row” laughed Karen.

On the other side Alice found a bus waiting for her, driven by Brexy who was an On the Buses Inspector.

There was no writing on the bus and Alice asked where the 350 million for the NHS was?

“You can’t put that on the side of a bus” snorted Brexy, “we’d be up before the ECJ before you could say Tommy Robinson, or whatever his name is!”

Alice was dropped off by a lake, which was beer not water, and had tobacco fumes rising from it, from somewhere in the middle. There, just about visible was a little island on which sat a creature with bulbous eyes, playing with some fish, puffing on a cigarette and muttering “Precious, where did you go?”

“That’s Nigel Bollux , the ghost of Brexit” said Brexy.

There was another figure on the island which Brexy explained was a female called Helen Een, who had met Bollux on the night that Brexit was due to happen. It was only fitting that they should be together to keep each other company.

Having seen what she came to see, Alice returned, heartily relieved that Brexit was safely binned and that it wasn’t coming back, unless of course it escaped and came back to trouble us again. She also hoped that she’d get a good exchange rate for her eu-row when she claimed her expenses.

Believe in US – UK Government launches diplomatic PR drive in wake of Darroch scandal

LEAKPROOF IS FOOLPROOF : The MIGHTY BRITISH Government has today announced a diplomatic PR drive in the wake of the Darroch scandal.

The drive, with the working title of ‘Believe In US’ will go on throughout the summer and is aimed at winning back lost reputational cache after the UK’s ambassador to the USA was rightly set up and felled on the world stage. All thought criminals will face the same justice.

”Just because we’re turning on our own doesn’t mean you can’t trust us,” mouthpiece for the campaign, Isabell Oldshaft, told LCD Views, “we’re rooting out our own traitors. We’re putting the fear of being labelled heretic for honestly doing your job into our own people. Not yours. You can trust US.”

As part of the PR drive, which can’t fail to reassure our grateful trading partners and colonies, fresh posters have been produced to be displayed at imperial outposts across the globe.

“This can only help with our outreach mission,” Oldshaft commented, “and the battalion of catchy phrases too. Such as ‘Brexit Britain – send us your cash, but keep your people at home’, such instructive, trendy messaging will hopefully save us from having to deport so many undesirables. Believe in Brexit. Believe in purity.”

The posters will also be available to purchase at home and it is recommended that every house buys one and displays it proudly in a street facing window.

”Get ahead of the game on that one,” Oldshaft suggested, “once the PR campaign has won back our reputation as a country sensiblely governed by mature, forward looking, pragmatic people, then we’ll be taking the purge from the civil service and into each and every home.”

Believe in US. Or face the consequences.

British woman shares home with corpse for three years

INSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET OR BRAINS BRAINS : A British woman is under scrutiny today after it was discovered that she’s shared her London home with a corpse for the last three years. A red, white and blue corpse at that.

The woman is understood to have moved into the plush central London address upon taking up a new job in July 2016. According to reports, she carried the corpse in with her.

Police are due to escort the woman when she moves out of the address later in the month.

“She’s going to leave the stinking corpse behind though,” a source inside the address told LCD Views, “this way it can carry on living with the next occupant. Its arms fell off the other day. We just cello taped them back on.”

The corpse is believed to go by the name of Brexit.

“It’s undead,” the source revealed, “it spends its time wandering the halls calling in a long moan for brains, brains. Then it eats the brains of anyone it can get hold of. The woman in question is a good example.”

But with a man set to take up the tenancy, won’t his brain be in danger of being consumed by Brexit also?

“Oh, I think he’s pretty safe,” the source smirked.

But surely, a nice, plump fresh brain will be irresistible to Brexit?

“After seeing how the woman has fared living with Brexit for the last three years, but he now wants to move in and live with the Brexit corpse? It doesn’t take a genius to work out that the man in question is already brainless.”

It also doesn’t take a genius to work out it’s time someone took Brexit out the back and buried it.

BRING ME SUNSHINE : Hunt promises bigger navy to protect shipments of renewable energy

WIND, LIGHT, EBB AND FLOW : TORY LEADERSHIP (USING THAT WORD LOOSELY) hopeful Jeremy Hunt has promised a much bigger navy today in response to the rising tensions in the Gulf.

“The Iranians are likely to raid our sunshine,” he sighed, “we need to establish a ring of steel about the burning ball above. Much like we have to protect the endless shipments of dead dinosaurs we ship about the globe. The sun must be guarded also so its light can be gathered into panels before bad actors steal it on the way. I will match the billions spent guarding oil with the same spend in blood and treasure guarding the sun.”

But it’s not just solar energy that needs protecting in an area of rising global tensions.

“Wind too. We shall direct the RAF to patrol constantly to ensure the wind is able to reach our turbines. So too the tides. It’s a credible threat. Men from far away specially trained to ride tide stealing surfboards. Trident submarines will guard the ebb and flow when I am PM.”

It’s obvious that any transition to renewable energy sources will only lead to increasing tensions with the big oil states.

Boris Johnson wasn’t to be outdone. He matched Hunt’s promises with his own.

“Whoever heard of ships propelled by wind?” he shook his head, “oil is the future. More oil. Big, lovely ships full of oil in their bellies at risk of being blown up. And what’s better is it’s free! The dinosaurs buried it in the ground before they shuffled off the mortal coil. If everyone knows we’re prepared to go to war to protect dinosaur eggs there is no risk of war. It’s the future. It’s the only way to ensure peace on earth.”

He added that he would order the RAF to patrol the wind and get in front of it before it gets away.

“Endless risk of war is the only way. Renewables are so yesterday.”

We don’t need the EU in order to thrash the Aussies, says Geoffrey Boycott

England’s premier cricketing curmudgeon is making political points again. Eleven proud Englishmen have beaten eleven sorry descendants of criminals in an utterly pointless game. No thanks to the EU, says Boycs.

“We won two world wars and are on the verge of another world cup!” gushed Sir Geoffrey. “We thrashed t’ruddy Aussies with nothing more than our wits, the Dunkirk Spirit and a stick of rhubarb! t’EU has been no bloody help at all. It’s home grown English talent that’s done it. Roll on Brexit and we’ll win t’Ashes every bloody year!”

For the sake of balance, LCD Views’ Jolly Good Sports correspondent spoke to a rather less strident lady, May Danover, who watches cricket on the telly sometimes.

“I got into cricket a long time ago,” reminisced Danover. “I heard the commentator on Test Match Special say, ‘the bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey’. Naturally this got my attention. I watched for years before I realised that there was no sexual element at all. I still get a thrill when they start polishing their balls, though.”

So why do you still watch the game?

“It’s the sheer joy of leather thwacking willow,” she said. “The raised bat, the smooth strokes, and balls flying everywhere. I love it when a man stays in for a long time. It’s disappointing when he gets out too soon!”

We asked Danover what she thought of Sir Geoffrey’s comments.

“Freedom of movement gave England their captain,” she explained. “Eoin Morgan is Irish. If Brexit happens, he won’t be playing again.”

Are there other possible side effects?

“Oh yes,” said Danover. “The squad contains a number of British born Asians, and a naturalised West Indian. None of them would be eligible to play again. The Brexit Police would kick out anyone with a name like Adil or Jofra, no matter how many Australian helmets they knocked off.”

And with that, she went off to find out whether Michael Holding and Peter Willey were still good friends.

Civil Service to be replaced by a recording of applause when any MP says “Brexit”

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : Eye steaming pleasing news today from Whitehall that the UK’s Civil Service is to be replaced by a recording of applause at the word “Brexit”.

”We’ve had it specially recorded by a lackey of Trump’s across the pond,” ERG member and total useful idiot, Jacile Reeks-pond, MP for Carpet-on-bag, told LCD Views.

The recording, which is available on cassette tape and beeswax, will be duplicated and placed in all rooms previously occupied by those traitors that didn’t believe in Brexit enough.

”It will help make a success of Brexit,” the useless idiot MP declared, “because it really believes. Nothing is worth saving if we get to fully apply our ideas to the society. Starve the idiots who didn’t choose a good accident of birth. Deregulate the entire show. Get rid of tax. That’s the recipe for success in the new reich.”

But while the revolution in how the civil service serves will clearly save the exchequer billions and squillions, there have been critics.

”Why just one man clapping?” a thought criminal asked, “why not a mass crowd dressed in a variety of cross like symbols chanting and clapping together? This is a missed opportunity.”

That said, and ignored, it will make diplomatic cables about foreign powers much easier.

”Just applause. Good, old fashioned sycophantic, reality denying applause.”

The recording will also be available to download on all smart phones, laptops and desktops as a vinyl print, because it’s Brexit.

”If you listen really closely to the recording you can actually hear Donald Trump tweeting orders to Britain’s next prime minister in the background. Because that’s how we run our country now.”

Into the ground. For the benefit of overseas interests. Global Britain. Believe in it. Or you’ll be replaced by a recording of a man clapping, which may make paying your mortgage more difficult.

SHOPPED : Johnson’s big red bus in for repairs after running over UK ambassador

ROOTED ROUTE MASTER : Boris Johnson’s famous bus is rumoured to be in for repairs today after its bumper was dented running over the UK ambassador to the USA.

“It’s just rumours,” a mechanic at the repair shop told LCD Views, “people are saying on social media it was Boris driving the bus, with pretend journalist, Oakshit, as the conductor, but it’s not confirmed. Whoever was driving the bumper is completely f*cked. But it seems likely Boris was a fellow traveller. When he was asked if it was right to drive right over the ambassador, to please Trump, and if he would pick him up and dust him down, he wouldn’t say yes.”

And it’s not just the bumper of the famous red bus.

“The paint work is all scratched up too. Partly that’s from running down, and then reversing back over, the UK ambassador to the USA. But it’s also because lots of Tory MPs keep coming down to the shop to key the bodywork.”

Why the bus decided to go after the UK Ambassador is clear at least.

“He was a thought criminal. He had to be purged,” the repair worker said, “I think that’s a very dangerous precedent. Between you and me, I get the feeling the Brexiters won’t be happy until they’ve completely dismantled all the pillars of a modern, representative democracy. Back to squabbling feudal barons with the little people just chaff. But that’s just my opinion.”

Attempts to confirm the rumours of who was driving the bus are underway. CCTV is being sought.

“It’ll save the country a lot of money in the end. Think of it as a Brexit dividend. Once we no longer govern ourselves we’ll save loads of money being run from the US. That’s the route that is being mastered by the Brexiters.”

All aboard!

“My government’s priority is…” – Trump to deliver the next Queen’s speech

UK PLC, A WHOLLY OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF USA TRUMP CORP – Certainty for voters and business leaders today with the announcement that CEO of America Corp, Donald Trump, is to deliver the next Queen’s speech, to open the new session of parliament.

“This is after it has been prorogued by Boris Johnson to get No Deal Brexit passed parliament,” a source inside Trump corp told LCD Views, “it’s about taking back control. It’s about restoring the sovereignty of parliament into the hands of a tiny hard right, fascist loving, kleptomaniac, faux Darwinian mangling, people hating clique.”

The unconventional move is being made to get the symbols of the UK sub inline with its new owner, after Boris Johnson and his friends have sold their country out lock, stock and barrel to corporate interests across the pond. Just to pretend they’re in power.

“Boris will be regional manager,” the source added, “and he’ll get to live rent free in the regional headquarters in Downing Street. He should be happy enough with that. Well, at least until he blows it and falls out with Trump.”

The delivery of the important speech will change too.

“It will still be delivered from the throne. Only now it will be in the early morning, Washington DC time, when Donald Trump performs his customary voiding of the night’s thoughts via tweet.”

But the text will have a refreshing familiarity.

“It’ll still begin with something like ‘My government’s priority is to secure the best possible price for the NHS’, so everyone knows what Brexit’s best dividend is. Then he’ll break with tradition and begin tweeting out who Boris will appoint as his cabinet. Ivanka Trump is going to be Home Secretary. John Bolton will do Defence. We haven’t thought about the rest, but you’re definitely going to see some changes in the prison sector. Wholly privatised with an emphasis on crime promotion for profit. Expect the war on drugs to ramp up in the UK. Anyway, not to worry, it’ll be tweeted out by Trump.”

UK plc, proudly serving the interests of billionaires in the USA, ever since a majority of the electorate fell asleep.