Gamekeepers to sedate Boris and move him to Cumbrian safari park

There are expected to be dramatic scenes at the foreign office this morning as gamekeepers, presumably from London Zoo, are rumoured to be called in to sedate pet bull elephant Boris and move him to an undisclosed Cumbrian safari park.

“We have to take action. It’s in the national interest,” head of things with tusks, Dr G. Whizz, told LCD Views natural history correspondent.

“It’s inconceivable to have a bull elephant like Boris, who is perpetually in musk, just roaming free crashing into the furnishings at the foreign office any longer.

There’s a lot of antiques, some of them are already in need of repair. And he breaks every single thing you give him to play with, especially if it was gifted to us by a foreign government. It’s ridiculous. It’s not a suitable environment for an animal of his nature.”

It’s believed Boris won’t be bought back out of sedation gently, but will be jammed in the backside with a massive dose of steroids to shock him onto his feet in the hope he’ll run into nearby woods, hit a tree, knock himself out and have a revelation.

“We really want him to undo the horrific bit of incompetence involving that woman on holiday in Iran. Falling that, we hope he’ll decide to get his balls chopped off and calm the fuck down for a while.

At least in the Cumbrian countryside, in the drizzle, behind electric fences, he’s far enough away from Downing Street so he can’t get any ideas about being re-homed inside no 10. And he has those all the time. Give him a bucket of paint and a brush and some butcher’s paper and he draws 10’s endlessly.”

It’s hoped Boris will decide also, while residing at the safari park, to have his balls chopped off  and chill out, a bit like a neutered cat. But no one is holding out much hope.

Presumably a metaphorical, political poacher will sooner or later see to that with a giant pair of grisly shears, maybe before the next appalling gaffe that directly impacts on the life of someone rotting in a tyrannical regime’s prison, maybe not though, after all, Boris is Boris…

Gov to spend £50B on a tax toilet big enough to hide all tax dodgers in

LCD Views can reveal an exciting development in the world of tax avoidance this evening with the exhilarating news that the government is to spend £50BN on a tax toilet big enough to hide all the tax avoiders in at once.

The startling development comes after Conservative Lord Burninghouse was forced to take sanctuary in a W.C. to get away from traitorous so called reporters who wanted to ask him unjust questions about his tax arrangements.

We spoke to a representative from the newly formed government department, Ministry for Making Hay and Getting Away with It, or MFMHGAWI, to learn more.

“We can’t have upfront and patriotic Lords of the realm like Lord Burninghouse having to put up with more lords and mps and party donors jamming themselves in with him as the revelations of the paradise papers continue. It’s inhuman. It’s probably a breach of his human rights and we should probably take this all the way to the EU court of human rights. Wait. Is that treason?”

Work on the giant toilet is expected to start as soon as midnight with builders brought in from all over the continent of Europe to make sure the job is completed by dawn.

“Clearly such skilled labour won’t need visas in a time of special interests like this. Either now or in the future.”

The expense of the toilet is expected to be so hard on the public purse because tax avoidance is what is totally demolishing certain democracies in the West, no, wait, it needs to be the size of a football field and have rare ivory and virgin gold taps.

“It’s going to be a total win for the construction industry. Just imagine being one of the 1% allowed inside and never really paying a dime while the pathetic working class pay for the roads you drive on and the public utilities you enjoy?”

Just imagine it. Taking your trousers down and knowing you don’t think there’s a god damned thing the great unwashed can do to keep you out of your special tax toilet, then take a dump on them. Joy!

Painting of May hidden in her loft now looks like what George wants in his freezer

LCD Views’ arts correspondent was invited for a special viewing of the painting of the prime minister kept hidden in her loft since she first stood as a Conservative party candidate all those years ago.

“I was with a sense of giddy excitement that I mounted the shadowy stairs that lead up to Ms May’s loft,” Dr Art related.

“Many times over the years I’d heard whispers of the terrifying works of postmodern, neo classical, abstract, pre-raphaelite expressionism she purchases only to concern from the eyes of the world whenever a food bank is forced into tightened budgetary straights by austerity.

It is usual practise for such long established institutions to sell off some of the art on their walls and Ms May is said to be always there, ready to pounce on a collectible.”

But as Dr Art entered the loft, armed only with the moments of invented energy gathered since his creation seconds ago, he was met with a spectacle he had not expected.

“I knew the portrait that I was coming to see would look greyed and battered by her time as prime minister. I knew I would have to open the lid of a chest freezer and peer inside to see it.

I never expected her image in paint to look like Mr Osborne’s colorful and headline grabbing statement from a few weeks ago.”

Dr Art has labelled the picture ‘The Portrait of Dorian May’.

“As I stood transfixed the door closed behind me, the light went off and a voice began to cry ‘Help me. Help me. I don’t know what to do. You have to help me. It’s not only Brexit, George Osborne is coming for me.”

Nigel Farage allegedly forming paramilitary unit out of people from his local

Leader of the free world and defender of democracy wherever he shits on it, Nigel Farage, has announced his intention to form a paramilitary unit out of people who drink at his local.

Talking from the doorstep of a friend’s house in Chelsea ”this morning, Mr Farage elated the adoring crowds who convene each morning to smear his bare feet in vaseline, in order to make it easier to fit them in his mouth.

“People of Britain need not wake another day in fear that their democracy is in danger from immoral voids working handing in glove with shadowy foreign interests bankrolling efforts to undermine British democracy and turn the whole country into a tax haven.”

Mr Farage began, before having to pause, as the vaseline being pushed between his toes made him giggle like a child.

The giggling led to a healthy bout of smoker’s cough. Throats cleared, Nigel resumed and it is said he said:

“Each day, when I pose outside a pub with a pint in hand and a probably sponsored cigarette in my mouth, a steady trickle of ageing men shuffle up and ask me, in booming voices, ‘Nigel, when are we going to take action on the price of getting shit faced daily and going home and rowing with our wives before going bugger it and having affairs and moving out?’”

Mr Farage most likely continued that he interpreted questions such as this as calls to pick up a rifle and defend Brexit and he was damn well going to think long and hard about that.

Almost as hard as choosing which small country owned by the people who bankrolled Brexit to apply for political asylum in if the investigations into certain matters turn the UK into a country he may not like to stay in, due to the climate.

It’s not clear exactly what he will call the unit yet, but odds are on that it will be in tribute to ‘Dad’s Army’, just not loveable and affectionate like ‘Dad’s Army’.

More like a xenophobic moral void that uses people’s emotional fear of things they don’t understand to gain support well disproportionate to what they will ever positively do in return and may well actually work against their interests.

So USHIT is a likely possibility.

George Osborne to stage 2017 Conservative party nativity play in butcher’s shop

George Osborne is expected to use the front page of today’s Evening Standard newspaper to announce he is to stage the 2017 Conservative party nativity play in a butcher’s shop.

The giant economic brain responsible for the fastest recovery from the global financial crisis and a period of extended prosperity that saw inequality shrink to invisibility in Britain by cleverly shaming people born without silver spoons jammed up their backsides is expected to bring his trademark compassion to the task of staging the perennial drama.

LCD Views couldn’t get through to George, in spite of having him on speed dial (he’s probably really busy working all his jobs), so we spoke to someone who claimed to be his aide instead.

“Blood. Hachets. Vengeance. The smell of terror in corridors. The overriding theme of this year’s Conservative party nativity play is going to be revenge. Not your pussy footing about payback either. Straight in the face with an axe takedowns.”

It’s understood Theresa May will be asked to play the innkeeper who turns the famous expectant parents away.

Under George’s direction they will go away for a brief period before returning axes in hand to discuss availability of a room for the night again.

“It’s going to look a bit Tarantino by the end,” the aide smiled.

“The butcher’s shop chosen is near Smithfield Market in London so as to capture the specific atmosphere of fear, shit, blood and screaming that epitomises the ruling party since George decided to step down as Chancellor to pursue his literary interests.”

LCD Views believed Mr Osborne has a chequered history overseeing the country’s bank accounts and the division created since 2010, but we’re well up for watching his idea of a nativity for his party.

Go get them George. This light entertainment spectacle is a potential beginning of the counterbalance to the absolute clusterf*ck you helped cause in government.

Southern Rail passengers turn to cannibalism in order to survive

Reports of passenger activity on Southern’s official Twitter account suggest passengers are turning to cannibalism in order to survive.

It appears the change in behaviour began late yesterday afternoon, during a record breaking delay in service which saw dozens of hungry and frustrated passengers stranded at Streatham Common station in southwest London for nearly an hour.

The tweets detailing the incident have since been removed, presumably by the train operator, but LCD Views has obtained transcripts from an untrustworthy source.

We took these to world famous anthropologist, Prof B. Leave-Me for analysis.

“It’s clear what happened,” the professor stated. “Let’s call my reply the ‘06:24 reply to LCD Views question regarding Southern rail passenger cannibalism’.”

As it was 06:24 and his answer was expected we agreed.

He then paused for an unexpected and lengthy delay. We had no choice but to wait.

“Just a minute,” Professor Leave-Me adjusted his glasses, squinted at the transcripts and appeared to go to sleep.

Inquiries as to why he had gone silent were unanswered. We had no choice but to wait.

Eventually the professor made the following statement:

“The 06:24 reply to LCD Views’ question regarding rail passenger cannibalism has been delayed.”

The professor then held up a hand drawn note with the time “06:38” written on it.

We settled in and began fiddling with our phone, seeking distraction in anything in order to pass the time. Ozzy Man Reviews got us through a few minutes. Followed by Jonathon Pie.

But given we were relying on the professor to make good his offer of assistance so we could continue to our next interview with a performance artist who combines eggs with faces in unexpected places, it was a nervous wait.

The professor began to snore.

Just as we were about to get up and leave his office he suddenly lurched out of his seat and made the following statement:

“The 06:24 reply to LCD Views’ question regarding Southern rail passenger cannibalism has been cancelled because of a shortage of brown sauce.”

Oh for f*ck’s sake.

Unstable Leaning Tower of Teesa set to be removed from Westminster college green

In a shock move to the booming tourist trade in central London Westminster has announced that an attraction only installed in July 2017 is to be removed from college green due to fears of immediate collapse.

The Leaning Tower of Teesa was designed and installed in a furious rush in the summer of 2016 in a symbolic move meant to reassure the public that even with fierceness, brave, astute leader Dave “bacon” Cameron having buggered off the political scene in a frenzied rush to get away from the fallout resulting from a little vote on something or other, we still had strong and stable government.

LCD Views spoke to one of the designers of the tower to hear more about conception, design, installation and now, what’s going wrong?

“We picked the wrong figurehead,” F. Arce advised, “although a few structural engineers did suggest at the time that the plans suggested the structure was top heavy, the internal design virtually absent, the material being used dodgy beyond belief and the spot chosen for the building spongy and prone to sinking steadily to the point of dangerous collapse. But we ignored all of them because they’re experts.”

Another contributing factor was apparently complete failure to convince anyone with the talent sufficient to work on the project to get involved.

“We’re going to have to pull it down and start again.” Arce added. “What to put in its place though? What a puzzle.”

It’s thought likely that question will be answered by the general public who may well advise restoring the reasonably healthy, sunlit lawn that was there before the tower started leaning dangerously and smothering all life around it in a roaming shadow, but it’s really up for grabs.

“We will have to consult on that. There’s lots of potential, in terms of who would like to re-lay the turf, but whether or not any of them survive the tsunami of shit that is presently crashing into the buildings near the green where they live will be key to the choice.”

Personally F. Arce would like to build an tower and put an eye of sauron up there, but there’s so many of them in major centres around the world presently, it’s felt that maybe too unoriginal.

What do you think?

Isle of Man says one man is an island

The Isle of Man has broken with tradition for islands today by declaring, in an exclusive interview with LCD Views’ geography correspondent, that one man can be an island.

“You hear it all the time, people talking to each other,” the self governing, crown dependency situated in the sea between England and Ireland said, “no man is an island. Well, I’m fed up with all that! I am a man and an island. All this talk about my famous tail less cats is nice, but what about mentioning my history and geography now and again?”

It’s long been rumoured, amongst keen observers, that the island does look like the belly of a fat man lying in the sea. Indeed, the International Isle of Man TT race is known to ride all over that belly annually.

“It’s been staring you all in the face for centuries,” the island added. “Even as Scotland and England fought over me for centuries. Go and read up about me on wikipedia. I’m really a very interesting fellow.”

So what does the Isle of Man hope to gain by speaking out at last?

“I’d like to see the cliche modified. I’m not an extremist. I’m not out to do away with idiomatic phrasing referring to my good person.

But from now on, when a person says to another, ‘I’m alright Jack’ and their friend replies ‘no man is an island’, well, I’d like the one trying to help to add the qualification, ‘except for the Isle of Man, clearly’.”

Easy enough then.

And for additional clarity we have received the following message from Jack,

“There wright. I’m okay.”

Woman apprehended sitting on dozens of barrels of scandal underneath Westminster

News is breaking across Westminster this morning that a woman has been arrested sat upon dozens of barrels of inflammatory scandal underneath Westminster Palace.

The woman, described as middle aged, grey haired, gaunt and wearing a chain around her neck that you could flog a rhino to death with, was taken into custody early this morning after security guards checked the dark cavities beneath the home of global democracy.

LCD Views sent a drone flying down to the scene because all of our reporters are sleeping off their Saturday night and no one would answer even their personal phone.

Editorial staff have transcribed the words of mainstream media correspondents reporting live from the scene.

“Just before dawn this morning alarm bells and cries clamoured in the catacombs underneath Westminster Palace as security guards sweeping for homeless people to eject startled an easily terrified woman in the shadows.”

Rumours already circulating suggest she had been spotted some days ago rolling heavy barrels leaking with inflammatory sleaze down into the dark spaces, but it was decided to watch and apprehend her with even redder hands.

“We all had to paint our hands red at the start of each shift, last few days,” Watchman G. Clooney told Sky News.

“Apparently we weren’t allowed to catch her in any fashion other than red handed.”

It’s believed they caught her in time too.

The contents of the barrels are yet to be exposed, but samples of the leakage suggest sex, lies and corruption on a scale rarely witnessed in a supposedly healthy and accountable democracy.

“One thing is certain,” G. Clooney illuminated. “So many of them have been at it for so long, by the time the various scandals in these barrels are exposed it’s going to reveal a ferocious orgy in which the one thing that’s been f*cked the hardest is our democracy.”

(Anyone finding a battered drone with masking tape holding the camera lens on is asked to return it to LCD Views via electronic mail, first class. Thank you.)

Fallon still waiting for women to come forward and say sexual harassment was acceptable 10yrs ago

Michael Fallon is reportedly still waiting today for masses of women to come forward and say light hearted sexual harassment, of the kind he apparently stood down as defense secretary over, was just fine ten years ago.

“Behaviour that was acceptable ten years ago like murder, fraud, theft of bicycles and jovial good natured sexual harassment of women who appear not to be able to give powerful, virile, sexually charged, irresistible, privileged men like me clear signals, like accepting we should be able to do whatever we want whenever we want with them, appears to have gone by the by in the modern climate of PC gone mad.”

The above line is imagined to have been in the initial draft of Mr Fallon’s resignation letter, but we don’t know for certain, it just seems fitting.

If it was, it must have been edited out for the more succinct suggestion that the way Mr Fallon apparently behaved with his female colleagues was accepted by all of them just a few years ago, but strangely not now.

LCD Views did a straw poll in our office to see how many hands went up in agreement with Mr Fallon amongst the men and women working here.

No one raised their hand in support.

One even went so far as to suggest understanding consent and the ability to respect the signals and statements made by other humans hasn’t actually changed since he was first subject to stirrings of desire decades ago.

To gain further insight into Mr Fallon we contacted the local paleontological society and spoke to an expert.

“Mr Fallon is perfectly correct to suggest that attitudes like his, as exposed by his resignation letter, wherein the man is unaware of his own sense of entitlement, even so far as to suggest it was once acceptable for him to behave in the way that has lead to his disgrace, were accepted in a past epoch. Unfortunately for him, we’d have to go back to about the Jurassic.”

Nevertheless, it is rumoured a Twitter campaign has been launched to find women to speak out in support of Mr Fallon’s concept of acceptable behaviour towards women a short decade ago, but so far only Donald Trump has endorsed it.