Theresa May refuses to say if she would vote for Theresa May in general election

“I only have one vote to cast in any ballot and I must be careful to get it right,” Theresa May told LCD Views during a snap poll about voting intentions,

“I’m not sure I could vote for Theresa May, given her track record, in all honesty. Neither will I rule it out. Voting means voting.”

Theresa May wasn’t alone in her indecision, although with a general election in the United Kingdom not due for many years, she probably has time to decide.

“What colour Brexit she finally delivers will be key to my decision. Beige? Elephant tusk? Scat Brown? Mildew pink? Or a classic red, white and blue?”

Theresa May’s response is indicative of the answers given in our snap poll.

“I’m not voting for her,” a man, B Johnson answered, “I’m writing my name on the ballot. It’s what I’ve always done. It’s what I’ll always do.”

But there was support for Theresa May from surprising quarters.

We interviewed a couple enjoying a bag of crisps together while a pack of blue collared, feral dogs fought in the gutter for their entertainment.

“I’m behind her one hundred percent,” the woman, who gave her name as Nicola S, replied.

“Same here,” said her friend, JC.

We asked why, as neither looked like traditional Tory voters.

“She’s doing our work for us,” they said in unison, before turning to each other and saying “snap!”

“Another year of her government and everything I’ve always wanted will come true.”

We stayed a while with them, watching the pack fight.

“I’m not voting for her,” a chap muttered behind us, while the dogs tore strips out of each other, “she’s just some kind of bigoted woman.”

U.K. to pay for US border wall with Mexico in order to secure FTA talks with Trump

Theresa May handed her close friend Donald Trump a way around the impasse over funding for his border wall today by saying the U.K. would pay for the wall.

“I want to make this clear, this is our gift to our special friends across the water,” the pm stated, to the background sounds of a magic money tree being not just shaken, but chainsawed to the ground and turned into wood chips.

“All we ask for in return is the chance to talk about holding trade talks with the United States as we prepare to exit the European Union and take our place on a flatter Earth as a bold, buccaneering, swashbuckling country afraid of the dragons at the edges of the maps.”

There was no immediate reply from the White House.

An aide to Donald Trump did assure he would respond, only after he was sure May creating a Minister for Loneliness didn’t mean she was a loser no one talked to? Because he himself wouldn’t seek to help such people.

Before asking who Theresa May was again?

Is she blonde?

Does she accept hush money?

The aide suggested finally, “leave the money in bags at the back door of Trump Tower and Donnie will think about it.”

This will be interpreted by the British tabloid press as an enormous success, guaranteeing the financial security of a post Brexit U.K.

The BBC will also present it this way, for balance.

While there were some murmurs of dissent within May’s cabinet at the plan to send hundreds of billions of pounds to Trump Tower, in unmarked notes, there was support for the prime minister from a sometimes critical corner.

“This is perfectly sensible and pragmatic planning from our wise and matrononic prime minister,” J. Rees-mogg soothed, “Paying huge sums to secure trade deals will make us all richer.”

Mr Rees-mogg went on to explain that his investment business specialises in “emerging markets”.

Leading one to ask the question, just asking you understand,

Does doing business with regimes with a flexible approach to rule of law in anyway influence an inheritance squllionaire’s attitude to Brexit and the importance of charters of rights for everyday folk?

Work on the wall is due to begin Saturday with Boris Johnson demolishing the first Mexican home.

“Boris will swing the hammer!” May trumpted, hands clenched in the air.

This will be a symbol of the close and enduring, special relationship between the United Kingdom and POTUS. Not necessarily a measure of our moral fibre.

The Sun’s Bayeux Tapestry to replace medieval history units in post Brexit curriculums

Exciting news for future generations of school children today with the announcement from the Department of Education that the Sun’s “Bayeux Tapestry” mock up is to replace all medieval history texts in post Brexit curriculums.

“It’s all the children of tomorrow will need to know,” Whoever is Education Secretary today told LCD, “it fits right in with the victors writing history. One of our guiding principles. It sits inside the will of the people very comfortably.”

The new units won’t be available to teach today, so anyone hoping to graduate from school this year will be failed and have to go back and retake the year.

“Any university history degree gained since British triumph in 1066 will also be null and void. Schama, Hughes, Starkey, they’re all going back to a comprehensive near you. This will better prepare them for when they do university again.”

To cement the fact of Global Britain’s victory over the EU at Hastings, the Sun has generously offered to send all leaders of the EU 27 laminated copies of the correct Bayeux Tapestry.

“It’s very kind of British Prime Minister Rupert Murdoch to make this offer. We would like to thank him from the bottom of our hearts.”

Not a very deep thank you then.

“We urge Macron to take deputy PM, Ms May’s, offer of setting up a conference call between her boss and the kingdom of France too. Lest he feel the lash of a sun flare. You can’t govern without the tabloids dictating your agenda.

Every school kid already knows that, thanks to the overwhelming mandate delivered by the people of Great Britain to cast off the shackles of the bloated and dying EU and seek a new future as a bold and confident outpost of the US and China.”

It’s believed the initial offer to Macron was the skeleton of Napoleon’s horse, but he politely turned it down, saying you better keep it for food after Brexit.

Getting the Tories out is the most important thing, says man who refuses to get the Tories out

LCD Views spoke today with noted, British revolutionary leader Jesus Corbyn Christ, or JCC, to hear how he’s going to achieve his stated aims of saving the NHS and everyone on this island, before, or after, economic calamity strikes.

“Personally, I’d prefer to save the NHS after economic calamity has engulfed the U.K.,” JCC smiled,

“calamity is a much greater recruiter than a few thousand kids shouting insults on social media at anyone who dares point out inconsistencies between my assertions and my actions.”

We settled down to a breakfast of smashed avocado and rye, brought by our correspondent, to learn more.

“We are taking a bit of heat from centrists, both left and right leaning ones, for not opposing Brexit and shoving May’s disaster caravan into the ditch, but I’m prepared to weather that.

I’m sure we’ll be able to protect all the rights for ordinary people built up over the decades of EU membership, once we get the Tories out.

I’ve weathered criticism all my political career, each time I cross the floor to vote with the Tories.

Which I’ve done for all of my career. It’s about principles.

No more so than now.”

Next JCC goes on to illuminate some of the deeper strategy behind his current pretending to fence sit on Brexit.

“We need to make a show of resistance, now and then, so our activists have something to spin when confronted by class traitor yellow Tory moderates.”

He explains the vote against the EU Withdrawal Bill the other day was the perfect example.

“Make a big show of voting against a bill you’ve consistently supported all the way from the triggering of Article 50. Sheer genius.”

And he reminds us again.

“Getting the Tories out of government is the most important thing, just not too quickly, or we won’t get the social revolution you can only get when middle class, class traitors are also living out of a bin.”

We’ve a suggestion though, how about you just get the Tories out? Base the decision on principles. Namely, what does Nigel Farage want?

You remember him, he’s the wannabe who said the timing of Jo Cox’s murder was inconvenient because it clashed with his launch of a poster billboard mirroring Nazi propaganda.

Maybe base your principles on whatever he doesn’t want? Just a thought.

Country before ideological zeal is so 20th century. What are we suggesting?!

New cross-channel bridge to be completed in time for the UK’s triumphant return to EU 2075

The British Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, was in an expansive mood last night when he announced plans for a new cross-channel bridge while having dinner with the President of France.

The Bungle, as it’s been nicknamed by admirers of the bold initiative, is to be completed in time for the UK’s triumphant return to the EU in 2075.

“Working with our fantabababoulist colleagues in the Department for Transport we will build a bridge to somewhere,” Boris told a wry looking Macron, “a sparkling example of what a Britain, freed of the constraints of the EU can do.

We look forward to working in partnership with our friends in the EU to build a bridge symbolising our deep and lasting union, even when we’re out of the union and trying to return.”

The bridge, which will begin at a brownfield site in Kent and terminate in Calais, is to be constructed by a consortium handpicked,

“By my colleague Chris Grayling, who, after consultation with senior donors of the Conservative Party have selected Global Carillion 2.0 to lay the foundations. Global Carillion is a shining example of British teamwork, not for nothing is it nicknamed ‘the Phoenix that never sodding dies’.”

Internal critics in the government have agreed the bridge is an excellent initiative, but have demanded it should cross the Atlantic instead.

This will make it easier for US based asset strippers to cart off the remaining treasure of the U.K. post March 2019.

The response from the EU has been muted, in its enthusiasm.

“They want us to pay for it,” a spokesman for the ECB said, “what’s the point of spending decades building a symbol of partnership? Some clown lol Boris, having escaped from a Jeeves and Wooster novel, will just smash it down again.”

While there has been surprise that the EU has heard of Wodehouse, otherwise the British contingent have interpreted the response as a definite yes, how much money do you want?

Ms May has not been asked for comment because she’s not really the Prime Minister, not really.

Construction begins tomorrow, after the visas for the construction teams have been sorted out.

Build a bridge and make it to somewhere.

Government bans polling until after Brexit after results contradict the will of the people

The Home Office has issued an emergency directive banning all polling until after the success of Brexit, which everyone in the United Kingdom has united behind, as recent results have contradicted the will of the people.

“It’s to protect the will of the people,” Bull S Hit, speaking for the Home Office, told LCD Views.

“The recent trend in polls suggests that the mood of the people is starting to change. This is not allowed. This is a democracy.”

It’s felt if the results of polls continue to argue that people have, in the majority, changed their mind on Brexit, the very soul of our new system of government will crumble.

“You think about it, if people want to think again, now that they have more information and experience of the initial consequences of their advice to parliament, that would demand a system akin to parliamentary democracy. It’s a real threat to the eternal will of the people established on the 23rd June, 2016, when we updated our decision making to whatever Rupert Murdoch and museum curiosities like Rees-mogg want.”

So polling is now banned, until after Brexit?

“Maybe even longer. The people have spoken. It’s not like they need to speak again.

And it’s the only way to protect the legacy of David Cameron. You remember him? He bottled it in the face of Farage because he correctly realised that the baby boomer generation were going to be the last to ever vote again in the United Kingdom.

It’s a good thing he ran off to some lucrative gig selling posh sheds to the Chinese, or whatever. But I’ll never forget him.”

As part of this temporary measure, just like all temporary measures, now the government has its Henry VIII powers, patriotic democrats are asked to report anyone who asks them a question about Brexit to the Home Office’s new, Will of the People, task force.

The official opposition have pledged support to this measure too, as they’re too busy rubbing one out over the chance to do Lexit. Aren’t they Keir Starmer.

“If anyone asks your opinion on Brexit be sure to say you think it means defeating the EU army, and then call this low cost phone number and report them for sabotage.

It’s the will of the people.

It’s how we do things now. We’re a democracy.”

BBC guidelines prohibit any challenge to Brexit on the grounds of balance

Recent BBC guidelines for interviewers have been leaked to LCD Views. The overlords who control the BBC have decreed that political interviewers are not to challenge Brexit, on pain of death, or (worse) being dismissed.

The document emphasised the need for an absence of bias.

“Bias”, it defines, is “Any point of view contrary to the current orthodoxy, or commonly held opinions. Since Brexit has been so universally accepted, it follows that it must not be debated.” As an explanatory sub-paragraph reveals, “Since Brexit is at a delicate stage of negotiation, interviewers must not rock the boat by questioning, debating or contradicting Brexit or its principles in any way.”

The document goes on to detail the set procedure for interviewees who stray from orthodoxy.

“Firstly, shout repeatedly ‘But the people decided! You can’t argue with democracy!’ at any sign of dissent. Secondly, if the dissenter persists, steer them onto the correct line of thinking. Trump them by saying, ‘Brexit is happening, whatever you say.’ Finally, refer to the BBC Guide To Political Debate On Social Media for a choice range of insults.”

LCD’s Brexit Means Brexit So There correspondent analysed the guidelines for us. “Clearly, all opinions are equal, but some are more equal than others,” he summarised. “Brexit is so inherently self-contradictory, that BBC journalists who contradict it would be seen as creating an imbalance in the debate. In other words, arguing against Brexit creates a paradoxical situation of both agreeing and simultaneously disagreeing. That is what Brexit Means Brexit means.”

So, we should simply keep our heads down, and work towards a common goal? “It’s altogether simpler just to let things be, and wait for the dust to settle,” he said. “Wait and see. Muddle through, it’s the British way. Ultimately, I think that we should just stop this unpatriotic whingeing. The people decided. You can’t argue with democracy. Brexit is happening, whatever you say. People need to accept the fact, and get over it!”

Our correspondent has since been allowed to seek alternative employment. At the BBC.

Jacob Rees-mogg’s eurosceptic research group confident in the superiority of British knees

The blood of all true born British men were beating a little stronger today with the news from Jacob Rees-mogg’s new eurosceptic research group that it was confident in the superior quality of British knees.

“Old Bonny will soon be on the run in the Brexit negotiations,” J. Bull, spokesman for the group, told LCD Views.

“The weak livered continentals don’t have the knack of either the high or the long jump. Not got the spine for it. Our modern training methods mean British men have substantially firmer knees.”

It’s believed the research group will recommend advancing negotiations now to the stage where all the chaps involved roll up their trousers and stand in a line.

“The Queen will be a fair judge. We’re certain she will identify the knees of British men as not only firmer, but more dexterous than anything the continent can throw at us. After that there will be no more of this project fear talk.

Forget your divorce bill.

Actually forget divorce as a concept.

Once we’re a modern, free, enterprising, isolated trading sovereign nation again and Jacob is elevated to prime minister, divorce will be the first regressive measure taken in recent years to be outlawed.”

When asked why there was no mention of women in their recommendations, Mr Bull looked surprised.

“We’ve mentioned the Queen forty seven thousand, nine hundred and forty three times, in just the first document.”

Other women?

“Oh, the fairer sex in general? Oh, they’ll be in the home. Breeding for Britain! We’ll need the cannon fodder for when we advance our thinking out of the nineteenth century.”

And what if they’re wrong, what if British knees prove less firm?

“That’s the talk of a collaborator,” Mr Bull replied, with a furrowing brow, “But I’ll let it pass. Let’s just say if it’s a complete and bloody disaster, the negotiations, certain clever fellows will make even more money. The sort that keep their money offshore. But you didn’t hear that from me.”

Mr Bull left at that point in the hope of watching the Battle of the Nile, live.

Conservative party new social media strategy now to delete everything posted before yesterday, just in case

Roger Bolton, de facto head of the Conservative Party political goals and social media strategy unit, has informed all party members that the new social media strategy is to delete everything posted online before yesterday, just in case.

“Just till we can work out what the hell is going on,” Mr Bolton explained,

“apparently some of our younger, more media savvy members have a back catalogue of statements, even videos, that are ahead of their time.”

It’s believed the directive will stay in place until the unit figures out how to best use social media for the classic dead cat days.

“You know those days when a hospital closes due to only having toddlers available as play nurses, no real nurses left. Tends to play a bit poorly amongst the welfare scrounging demographics.”

In the usual run of things an MP no one has heard of, not even in the constituency they represent, is ordered to say something a bit exciting.

“Draws the media scrum away from the bad news event. A little peak into the soul of the party is a small price to pay.”

While this is still a viable play, look at the recent example of Annie Mary Morrish, the unit believes they need to work out how to use it effectively on social media.

“To get the whippersnappers engaged.”

But critics of the strategy, from within the party, don’t think the directive goes far enough.

“We need to install an auto-destruct mechanism on all social media accounts,” C Rocodile MP, Turtle on Fencepost, tweeted to the official Con twitter account,

“in fact it would be a damn sight easier if we just pulled out of the SM [social media] altogether and closed all our accounts.”

Pull off into orbit and nuke Twitter from space?

“It’s the only way to be sure.”

C Rocodile next posted a compilation of royal bums to which people are invited to give a “phwoar” rating.

Fortunately for the MP everything he does online today will vanish on Saturday.

Will the will of the people mean less free will for the many, but probably not the few?

Let us go back in time, back to before Brexit began, before the flash laziness of George and Dave, before the messiah JC, before the Maybot, all the way back to 1346.

We’ll skip the events in between, because time is short.

1346, when the Black Death began its sweep across the world from east to west.

There is consensus that it killed fifty percent of any community it arrived within, this plague, this pestilence, Yersinia pestis. Some places it killed more and others less, fifty percent is the savage average.

“…earliest symptom was the appearance of certain swellings in the groin or armpit [unlike its first appearance to the east; bleeding from the nose was the first symptom then], some of which were egg-shaped whilst others were roughly the size of a common apple…” (1)

You’ve heard or read all this before, most likely, and how does it resonate with events now?

With Brexit?

This is my query and freedom of movement is the key.

I find strong resonance with the much contested issue of ‘freedom of movement’ within the European Union, that we are currently able to enjoy, or malign, depending on your point of view.

And how do I draw a line between Brexit and the time of the Black Death?

It’s not an attempt to be melodramatic. It is just asking a question to do with resonance.

It’s to do with how the ruling elite in England, in the 14th century, responded to the massive social impact of, and disorder in the aftermath of Yersinia pestis.

They found the labouring classes, the serfs, taking advantage (unfairly, if you were a baron…and had an economic model based on a labour system just above slavery) of the shortage of labour in the country to demand greater rights, greater wages.

King Edward III heard the plaintive cries, of his medieval chumocracy, and responded with a law called the “Statute of Labourers”, passed in 1351.

Here is the extract that catches my eye. That brings to mind Brexit and the desire to crush freedom of movement between the UK and the rest of the EU.

“…seen fit to ordain: that every man and woman of our kingdom of England…shall be bound to serve him who has seen fit so to seek after him; and he shall take only the wages liveries, meed or salary which, were accustomed to be paid…” (2)

There were further measures in the years that followed. This was because not everyone in the elite was able to hold the line. They were guilty of “enticement”. Offering greater wages because they needed the labour on their land and because the labour was happy to go. A little less serfdom cake is an enticing thing.

This “Statute of Labourers” passed in 1351, and other measures, were an attempt to squash freedom of movement of serfs after the great plague.

A move from the elites to suppress wage and conditions through controlling labour movement. To control the lives of the many, by the few, tying them to just one piece of land.

It failed, The Peasants’ Revolt, led by Wat Tyler, in 1381, saw Wat dead and it saw the death of the 1351 law and others.

Ordinary people now had a greater share of rights. Even if there was still a long way to travel.

This change (in England) can be traced back to as a key turning point that led centuries later to the abolition of absolute monarchy, on from there to the industrial revolution and finally universal suffrage and parliamentary democracy in the United Kingdom.

If you control your labour, its physical liberty to move across a landscape and continent, then you have a greater chance to control the wages and conditions of that labour. In short, if you’re a baron you can grow richer by disenfranchising labour of its rights.

We have travelled a long way from 1351. Let us not start going in reverse, lead by blowhards and bus drivers like Boris, Farage and all the others, backed (allegedly) by tax avoiding billionaires.

Long ago the majority of the population was in serfdom. It took centuries to get to now, when all (with limitations our government has seen fit to ignore, for political reasons, I’d suspect) within the union of nations called the European Union can choose where they live, work, study, love and retire.

I can’t help feeling the billionaires, millionaires, MP’s and the extra rabble rousing chancers who have pushed lies about immigration and made names for themselves railing against freedom of movement, have a similar feudal desire to restrict peoples’/workers’ rights.

It’s not just the workers from across the channel whose freedom of movement the Brexiters want to abolish. It’s yours. It’s your children’s.

It means less rights and less of the democracy cake in your hands.

Democracy is one cake we can all have and eat, but only if we defend it against the people who, like their medieval shadows, want to reduce the rights you own.

And it should be asked if, lacking a natural calamity as cover for their plans, the Brexiters have manufactured one?

These are my links between the Brexiters and the ruling elite of 1351.

1. Page 96, “Why Nations Fail” D. Acemoglu & J. A. Robinson, Profile Books
2. Page 99, “Why Nations Fail” D. Acemoglu & J. A. Robinson, Profile Books