Boris Johnson promises to stand up to Trump by hiding behind Downing Street sofa

INTERNATIONAL BULLY CHAMPIONSHIPS : UK’s next entry into the International Bully Championships, Boris Johnson, has promised to stand up to tantrum throwing twitter twatter, Donald Trump, by hiding behind the Downing Street sofa.

”Oh golly, gosh, has he gone yet?” Boris Johnson said earlier today, from behind the sofa where he is currently staying. Wherever that is, “sssshhhhh. Keep it down. Just flick the lights on and off twice when he’s gone. Got it? Roger? Wilco? Foxtrot? I’m not here. Tell him I’m not here.”

The confirmation of the bold strategy of the man most likely to be the UK’s next prime minister has been welcomed by the civil service.

”It’s reassuring to know Mr Johnson will have our backs in a hostile and changeable international landscape,” a FCO source said, “even if he’s only got our backs so he can stick the knife in if he calculates it suits his short term interests.”

To help make a success of the hiding strategy it’s understood even now that Mr Johnson has asked his girlfriend, and the next First Lady of the United Kingdom, a certain Ms Symonds, to go shopping for,

”the biggliest, bally sofa you can find. Just make it huge. If you can’t find one big enough to hide my bulk behind then buy two big ones and we’ll put one on top of the other.”

Other measures are also planned to stand up to Donald Trump.

”Mr Johnson will be writing formally to the President to request he appoints Ivanka Trump as the next U.K. ambassador to the USA. That ought to do it. Who needs a diplomatic service anyway? What’s if ever done for us? Boris will be using the services of 55 Tufton Street for all that.”

Alexa : What’s the cure for stupid? – Amazon GP service launched during Tory leadership debate

NO CURE FOR VERBAL DIARROEAH : EXCITING NEWS for do it yourself medicine today with the launch of Amazon’s GP service during last night’s Tory leadership debate.

No fewer than fifty two people were believed to have sat through the entire debate between Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt, as they sought to win the votes of 0.25% of the population.

“No need to ask Alexa about symptoms,” our political analyst said, “our democracy is in great shape. Well, if you wanted to contract creeping fascism. If not? Don’t ask Alexa to help you. You’ll have to help yourself.”

But while our man maybe sanguine about the country’s political health (he’s fired), many who saw the two men fighting for the keys to Downing Street felt a chill.

“Alexa, how do you get someone’s head out of their backside?” – was one of the top queries made of the new NHS/Amazon tie up, during the televised display of nonsense.

“Alexa : What’s the cure for Brexit?” – was another, but it was only asked by people who want to eat food this winter, so it doesn’t matter.

“Alexa : how do I position myself to cash in on a crash in the value of Sterling? I’ll feel sick if I don’t profiteer off the disaster capitalism currently reducing the UK to a babbling idiot in a darkening corner of the globe.” – this featured also.

But by far the most common question was,

“Alexa : I’m developing a sudden migraine. What should I do?”

To which the reply was to turn off the television, or at the very least change the channel.

Advice the entirety of parliament could do with following. We’ve watched Brexit long enough and it’s made the overwhelming majority feel sick.

Who benefits? DWP suspected over leak of U.K. ambassador’s emails about Trump

ALT COMPETENCY : The giant, career ending scandal of the enormous fraud perpetrated on the Universal Credit system has sunk without trace. Just bubbles on the surface of the sea. Thanks to Donald Trump and his affirmation of the U.K. ambassador’s assessment of him, via is multi-day Twitter tantrum.

”It’s a God send,” an imaginary source inside the DWP told LCD, “imagine if the media had the capacity to focus on more than one story at a time? We’d really be for it.”

And for it someone should be. Millions ripped out of the welfare system over months in the most blatant fashion. Brexit Britain at its finest incompetency. Grayling governance par excellence.

”Can you imagine the flames that would once have engulfed the government? Not just the ministry, but the executive too over a story of such eye wateringly poor governance? Don’t worry about looking for a lifeboat, they’re on fire too! Just jump straight into the sea!”

But no. We nerds must be absorbed by Trump.

And we must. If the ruler of our most powerful ally is upset with us, like a scared child stood before an enraged and unpredictable father, we have to focus on what he’ll do next and forget all else that’s going wrong.

”It’ll be great when it’s the Boris Trump double act,” the source continued, “day after day after day, just one giant distraction as the sink hole expands unmatched and we slide into the sea. Think of all the beautiful frauds that people will get away with? And barely a whisper in the news.”

Brexit Britain. Modern Conservative government. SNAFU. This is what we’ve allowed this country to be.

But maybe it’s not a massive story all week, as it should be, because we’ve come to expect gross incompetency in our government? It’s now the norm. SNAFU.

Perhaps it’s time we did that favourite thing of Brexiters. Imagined turning back the clock. But the land we imagine, let’s not make it one where universal incompetency is the currency of governance.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-48887753

Boris Johnson says he will replace U.K. ambassador to US with a horse

THOROUGHBRED NO SENSE : The UK’s last prime minister, unless Tory rebels actually rebel, Boris Johnson, has said today that he will replace the serving U.K. ambassador to the US with a very small horse.

Speaking at a private function, so the rumour goes, he is said to have made the completely unverified promise.

”A Falabella,” Mr Johnson announced, “an animal fitting in stature to the change in U.K. standing that myself and that other untamed stallion, Brexit, have foisted upon the U.K.”

It’s believed under the scheme, details of which are still being fleshed out, that the tiny pony will be able to live comfortably on the lawn outside the White House. Conveniently positioned for touching photo shoots with Ivanka.

But critics of the wheeze have pointed out that while charming, a miniature pony won’t be able to accurately assess and relate the dynamics of Trumpistan’s administration.

”That’s entirely the point,” a spokesman for a US dark money funded ‘charity’ – Civil Society Pays for Itself by Magic – clarified, “all the real diplomatic work will be carried out via my US billionaire bankrolled colleagues at 55 Tufton Street. The ambassador will be a symbolic post. Although personally I would have chosen a poodle.”

Whether or not Mr Trump will attempt to ride the pony is open to speculation, although it’s believed it should be safe if they don’t pick one with a blonde mane.

”Trump can just open the window and shout at it,” the spokesman added, “which is how the U.K. will be governed post Brexit. Directly.”

Mr Johnson is thought to personally favour the ploy as it should sufficiently distract the people while their will is being directed for Mr Johnson from the White House, and instantaneously via outbursts on Twitter.

And for his part Jeremy Hunt has confirmed, in the unlikely event he becomes PM instead, he will replace the Ambassador with a moral vacancy, ie, he’ll do the job personally.

UK’s ambassador to US advised to use euphemism ‘alt-competence’ instead of ‘inept’

TRUMPANIA : The United Kingdom’s executive has issued fresh guidance for diplomats posted in the United States today as the furore over Darroch’s too honest description of Trump’s administration rages.

“A telegram was sent to all outposts in the former colony,” an FCO source told LCD Views, “by order of Downing Street. This is to ensure the return of a special relationship, so, so special, between the two former allies.”

The guidance, containing better words than the words we had before, has been issued because it’s infeasible to expect Brexiters won’t continue to leak confidential communication to the press. And if the leaker is found, they’ll probably be protected, as it will be deemed to be too ‘politically sensitive’ to bring the law to bear on them. That’s because we don’t appear to want to do rule of law anymore. What will you sacrifice for Brexit?

“They have to destroy all semblance of a modern, functioning, accountable government,” the source shrugged, “all SO they can achieve their dream of returning the UK to a feudal state.”

Touchstone words like ‘inept’ are to be replaced now by better compound ones such as ‘alt-competence’.

“There’s also ‘post-functional’ instead of dysfunctional. ‘Neo-intelligence’ in place of ‘thick as pigshit’. The list will be added to each time the special, working committee set up to deal with the Darroch incident invents a new word or compound.”

There’s also guidance for descriptive phrases to use in place of more direct speech.

“Works well independently, that’s a good one for someone who is incapable of being a team player. You’ll be lucky to get them to work for you, another cracker. We all know what they mean. Self-starter with a vivid imagination. It’s for the best.”

The diplomatic row is expected to carry on for a few days. At least until Donald Trump gauges that the press attention over his alleged child sex trafficking mate Epstein has cooled down some.

“Boris Johnson can help throw oil on troubled waters too,” the source added, “once he takes office as Prime Minister. After he throws oil onto the troubled waters he’ll accidentally flick a lit match to it.”

Global Britain. It is a silly place.

Man who thought American War of Independence was an air war upset at being called inept

THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP IN SPECIAL MEASURES: President Donald Trump is on the war path today after a leak from the U.K. Foreign Office showed we employ honest ambassadors. But no one is supposed to know about it.

“What U.K. ambassador Kim Carrot said about me and my administration is unpresidented,” Mr Trump told reporters, while inspecting the vintage B52’s used to defeat Lord London’s forces at the Battle of Lex Luther and Concord on the 1st April 1775.

”Did you know the French named a super fast aeroplane after the battle of Concord. They were so impressed. So, so amazed by our magnificent men in their flying machines. We discovered the sky. We really did. Before our air corps attacked the British tea plantations at Boston no one had looked up before. Only down.”

But it wasn’t just the U.K. Ambassador in the firing line of Donald Trump’s 18th century stealth bombers. The put up leak job by the Brexiters also pulled Air Marshall Theresa May in for a strafing.

”I told Ms May that she should have built a wall in the English Channel and told the EU to pay for it. That way they couldn’t get out of Europa to reach America across the Transatlantic Ocean. But she doesn’t listen. Not like my good friend Kim Jong-un. He says my concentration camps are first class. Not many people know that. The lying media won’t tell you how he sings the praises of me keeping kids in cages.”

But who will now replace the UK’s ambassador to the USA? It’ll have to be someone he is certain he can deal with.

”Chris Grayling will be amazed at my efficiency,” Donald Trump himself announced his first pick, “if I’m inept, what the hell is he?”

It was a moment of surprising clarity.

Technological solution sought for U.K. government after news of Universal Credit fraud f*ck up

UKSNAFU : Reassuring news from government today that a much needed technological solution is being sought for the entire U.K. government.

“It’s because if the Universal Credit fraud f*ck up,” a sober looking Chris Grayling told LCD Views tonight in an exclusive, “to be honest I welcome it. Being the omniscient spirit of governance is actually pretty tiring. I don’t know how deities do it. Imagine if I ran the universe? I’d be knackered. Although on the plus side, there wouldn’t be a universe.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-48887753

The technological solution to takeover from the current set up isn’t yet invented, or is it?

”We actually think an Atari games console from the 1980’s has sufficient power to do a better job than us,” Grayling shrugged, “I mean, come on, have you seen the list of things we’ve f*cked up? It’s kinda long. The Universal Credit fraud f*ck up is just the latest in a long line of disasters.”

It’s hoped the technological solution will be identified and put in place in time for a No Deal Brexit later this year.

”Can you imagine this mob attempting to keep you fed and medicated after tearing up the entirety of our global trading relationship? Wow. The mind boggles.”

But it’s not all bad news, regarding the astronomical Universal Credit fraud f*ck up.

”You were wondering where we got all the money for the No Deal Brexit fund? Or how Farage was funding his Brexit Party? Well, I can’t say on the record, and this is probably all made up, but some of the names of benefit claimants in the fraud look more than a little made up…”

Global Britain. We do things differently now. We do them badly. Very badly. SNAFU.

Government releases ‘No Deal Brexit’ guide for farmers focused on crop rotation

SOWING AND REAPING : DEFRA, under orders from the top of Government (NYC – Murdoch) has released a ‘No Deal Brexit’ guide for the farming sector today to help them better navigate the opportunities Brexit brings to that most earthy of sectors.

“We wanted to lay out a path for farmers to wander down should the unlikely event of a No Deal Brexit come to pass,” A Jolly Green Giant, spokesman for DEFRA, told LCD Views, “many farmers are now asking how they’re supposed to harvest their crops without EU migrant workers? The answer is really very simple. Crop rotation. Tried and tested. Traditional and effective.”

So you advise them to grow food that is less reliant on manual labour?

“Not quite. It’s even simpler. Crop rotation applied to No Deal Brexit is a one turn, a single rotation on the dial. You merely go from crops to no crops. Problem solved.”

But won’t that lead to food shortages?

“Oh, we aren’t claiming to have a crystal ball. We can’t possibly model the impact of not planting food on agriculture.”

Surely, like most things Brexit, whatever the technicalities, it’s actually very simple to forecast. No crops means no food.

“Haven’t you heard that people have had quite enough of experts?”

But they haven’t had quite enough of food.

“There we differ. Obesity is on the rise. Obesity is caused by food. So this strategy is set to save the country millions in health costs. We advise people to use the 5/2 diet. But just to rotate the numbers around once. Instead of fasting for two days, fast for five! It’s very straightforward.”

Tighten your belt?

“Exactly. If you’re lucky you’ll be able to fit into that prize pair of jeans you haven’t been able to wear for twenty years. Remember, worried about food supplies in the event of Brexit? Don’t worry. We’ve got it covered. At least for the catering in parliament.”

General Melchett to play Dominic Raab in biopic of famous explorer called “Can Do”

BLACKADDER DOES BREXIT : The morale of Global Britons is in for a boost later this year with the news that General Melchett has been cast to play Dominic Raab in a biopic of the famous British explorer.

The film, given an ironic (intentional?) working title of “Can Do”, will focus primarily on the recent years of one of the great have a go heroes of modern Blighty.

We spoke to the driving force behind the project, Christopher Grayling, to learn more about this exciting cinematic masterpiece.

“I don’t have a lot to do these days,” Mr Grayling commented, “now that I’ve realised that you just have to send takeaway leaflets to companies providing transport services to government. So I figured, why not turn my hand to propaganda films in the service of Brexit?”

Why not indeed.

“And then I was musing on WW1. It’s a funny time. People used to wonder what sort of character would order the mass slaughter of their own men year after year? Off you go chaps. Take that machine gun nest. A can do attitude will see you through. Some of you may die, but you do so for empire. Well, we don’t ask that question anymore. Brexit has answered it. Just like Brexit has cracked the old nut, how did the Nazi’s rise to power? Ideology and nationalism over provable fact. That’s how. With the big questions out of the way, it was time to focus on the characters that are making modern Britain great.”

So it’s not just Raab who features in the film?

“No! Oh no. We’ve many in there. Baldrick and his cunning plans. That’s Iain Duncan Smith, so Baldrick is playing IDS. Genius. Boris Johnson is played by Blackadder. Theresa May by Nursie. Well, the list goes on.”

And what are the key moments?

“We focus on Raab’s discoveries. He’s discovered Dover. That’s a big one. He’s discovered that the problem with feminism is women talking. We address that. He’s discovered time. He’s discovered people using food banks just have a “intermittent cash flow problem”, which was really helpful. He also discovered he couldn’t negotiate Brexit. But most importantly, he’s discovered Raab.”

And what did he find there?

“A lot of bollocks and not much else.”

‘Can Do’ is to be released in the build up to Halloween this year and is certain to help Global Britons make a success of Brexit.

I’m not uncompetent, says Donald Trump

Peach coloured presidential primate Donald Trump has hit back at accusations of being inept and insecure. I’m not uncompetent, claims the Ralph Wiggum of international politics.

“I’m not unsecure either!” he tweeted from the presidential toilet. “I’m the most secure guy ever, I’m so secure I don’t need the security forces trying to secure me. I want to break free!”

Trump soon warmed to his theme, sending off a barrage of tweets defending his record. “FAKE NEWS ALERT!! People say I’m unept. Well, that’s the Dems for you! In fact I’m the mostest eptest person in the world! I’m simply the ept, epter than all the rest!”

He went on to list his achievements, some of which actually had a grain of truth in them. All in a totally not insecure fashion, of course.

“I was actually the first man on the moon,” he tweeted. “But I let Neil Armstrong take the glory, because I’m such a modest guy. I’m the most modest, humble guy you will ever meet! One small step? Giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon!”

He mentioned his Mexican wall, naturally. “The wall is nearly complete! It’s bigly, bestly and covfefe,” read a gnomic missive sent in the middle of the night. “I go and help out all the time, even though I ain’t got no time! It’s just another brick in the wall.”

He couldn’t quite duck his low approval ratings, though. “It’s a which hunt!” he blasted. “A conspiracy! RESIDENTIAL HARRASMENT! Crooked Obama’s ratings were lower! The only way is up!”

The infamous shutdowns got a mention, too. “I have the longest shutdowns, nobody has a longer shutdown than me, but don’t ask Stormy Daniels, she has never seen my shutdown,” he dribbled. “It’s good, a long one, no need to pay people for not working. Money for nothing, chicks for free!”

Then, I suppose he does work eight days a week.