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Government releases ‘No Deal Brexit’ guide for farmers focused on crop rotation

SOWING AND REAPING : DEFRA, under orders from the top of Government (NYC – Murdoch) has released a ‘No Deal Brexit’ guide for the farming sector today to help them better navigate the opportunities Brexit brings to that most earthy of sectors.

“We wanted to lay out a path for farmers to wander down should the unlikely event of a No Deal Brexit come to pass,” A Jolly Green Giant, spokesman for DEFRA, told LCD Views, “many farmers are now asking how they’re supposed to harvest their crops without EU migrant workers? The answer is really very simple. Crop rotation. Tried and tested. Traditional and effective.”

So you advise them to grow food that is less reliant on manual labour?

“Not quite. It’s even simpler. Crop rotation applied to No Deal Brexit is a one turn, a single rotation on the dial. You merely go from crops to no crops. Problem solved.”

But won’t that lead to food shortages?

“Oh, we aren’t claiming to have a crystal ball. We can’t possibly model the impact of not planting food on agriculture.”

Surely, like most things Brexit, whatever the technicalities, it’s actually very simple to forecast. No crops means no food.

“Haven’t you heard that people have had quite enough of experts?”

But they haven’t had quite enough of food.

“There we differ. Obesity is on the rise. Obesity is caused by food. So this strategy is set to save the country millions in health costs. We advise people to use the 5/2 diet. But just to rotate the numbers around once. Instead of fasting for two days, fast for five! It’s very straightforward.”

Tighten your belt?

“Exactly. If you’re lucky you’ll be able to fit into that prize pair of jeans you haven’t been able to wear for twenty years. Remember, worried about food supplies in the event of Brexit? Don’t worry. We’ve got it covered. At least for the catering in parliament.”

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General Melchett to play Dominic Raab in biopic of famous explorer called “Can Do”

BLACKADDER DOES BREXIT : The morale of Global Britons is in for a boost later this year with the news that General Melchett has been cast to play Dominic Raab in a biopic of the famous British explorer.

The film, given an ironic (intentional?) working title of “Can Do”, will focus primarily on the recent years of one of the great have a go heroes of modern Blighty.

We spoke to the driving force behind the project, Christopher Grayling, to learn more about this exciting cinematic masterpiece.

“I don’t have a lot to do these days,” Mr Grayling commented, “now that I’ve realised that you just have to send takeaway leaflets to companies providing transport services to government. So I figured, why not turn my hand to propaganda films in the service of Brexit?”

Why not indeed.

“And then I was musing on WW1. It’s a funny time. People used to wonder what sort of character would order the mass slaughter of their own men year after year? Off you go chaps. Take that machine gun nest. A can do attitude will see you through. Some of you may die, but you do so for empire. Well, we don’t ask that question anymore. Brexit has answered it. Just like Brexit has cracked the old nut, how did the Nazi’s rise to power? Ideology and nationalism over provable fact. That’s how. With the big questions out of the way, it was time to focus on the characters that are making modern Britain great.”

So it’s not just Raab who features in the film?

“No! Oh no. We’ve many in there. Baldrick and his cunning plans. That’s Iain Duncan Smith, so Baldrick is playing IDS. Genius. Boris Johnson is played by Blackadder. Theresa May by Nursie. Well, the list goes on.”

And what are the key moments?

“We focus on Raab’s discoveries. He’s discovered Dover. That’s a big one. He’s discovered that the problem with feminism is women talking. We address that. He’s discovered time. He’s discovered people using food banks just have a “intermittent cash flow problem”, which was really helpful. He also discovered he couldn’t negotiate Brexit. But most importantly, he’s discovered Raab.”

And what did he find there?

“A lot of bollocks and not much else.”

‘Can Do’ is to be released in the build up to Halloween this year and is certain to help Global Britons make a success of Brexit.

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I’m not uncompetent, says Donald Trump

Peach coloured presidential primate Donald Trump has hit back at accusations of being inept and insecure. I’m not uncompetent, claims the Ralph Wiggum of international politics.

“I’m not unsecure either!” he tweeted from the presidential toilet. “I’m the most secure guy ever, I’m so secure I don’t need the security forces trying to secure me. I want to break free!”

Trump soon warmed to his theme, sending off a barrage of tweets defending his record. “FAKE NEWS ALERT!! People say I’m unept. Well, that’s the Dems for you! In fact I’m the mostest eptest person in the world! I’m simply the ept, epter than all the rest!”

He went on to list his achievements, some of which actually had a grain of truth in them. All in a totally not insecure fashion, of course.

“I was actually the first man on the moon,” he tweeted. “But I let Neil Armstrong take the glory, because I’m such a modest guy. I’m the most modest, humble guy you will ever meet! One small step? Giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon!”

He mentioned his Mexican wall, naturally. “The wall is nearly complete! It’s bigly, bestly and covfefe,” read a gnomic missive sent in the middle of the night. “I go and help out all the time, even though I ain’t got no time! It’s just another brick in the wall.”

He couldn’t quite duck his low approval ratings, though. “It’s a which hunt!” he blasted. “A conspiracy! RESIDENTIAL HARRASMENT! Crooked Obama’s ratings were lower! The only way is up!”

The infamous shutdowns got a mention, too. “I have the longest shutdowns, nobody has a longer shutdown than me, but don’t ask Stormy Daniels, she has never seen my shutdown,” he dribbled. “It’s good, a long one, no need to pay people for not working. Money for nothing, chicks for free!”

Then, I suppose he does work eight days a week.

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Second thoughts – Tories given two leadership ballots in case new info causes change of mind

CHANGE OF MIND : The Conservative Party has responded today to news that thousands of their members were given multiple ballot papers for the Tory leadership coronation of Boris Johnson.

Speaking to Marred (terminally) on the BBC this morning, Tory Party Chairman, Lord Offshore, explained the unique voting system.

“It’s a stitch up,” he shrugged, “I mean if it looks like a duck, if it walks like a duck and if it rambles incoherently in Etonian, it’s a duck.”

He also said, when pushed by more polite, deferential, leading questions from the interviewer, that just because the result of the vote has been pre-ordained, doesn’t make it illegitimate, if you say it is legitimate.

“Some members can afford more than one ballot paper, so they have been supplied with more,” he shrugged, “anyway, we’ve lost all ability to not rig a vote, since endorsing the criminally procured mandate to enrich a few of us in mid 2016.”

But the multiple ballots have caused a crunch in supply of bananas in the supermarkets.

“We have to get the voting paper from the right source. Banana skin is the best for this kind of thing. But let no one claim the abandoning of all pretence to defending rule of law means the UK is now a banana republic. It remains a monarchy. We just have to decide what kind of fruit monarchy it is. I suggest a proper, traditional, homegrown, indigenous British fruit, such as the pineapple.”

And in case anyone was still unconvinced by the conduct of the leadership vote, Lord Offshore offered further reassurance.

“Some members may decide to change their mind after they vote. Say, if new information comes out. One of the contenders may offer an even greater unaffordable tax giveaway. Or perhaps a promise to end universal suffrage and means test it instead. If that causes a member to change their mind, then they have that ability. It’s how a democracy succeeds.”

To underline this he added :

“If a democracy can’t change its mind, it ceases to be a democracy.”

Who will you vote for? Remember to do it twice.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-rig-an-election/id1458750622?i=1000437000623

  • the inclusion of the podcast is not intended to suggest the Tory leadership election is corrupt. I’m sure they’ll have a full and proper inquiry into what went wrong, just like with the corruption in the EU referendum of 2016, and then act according to defend our democracy and ensure it is beyond reproach…But the screw up with voting papers brought the podcast to mind.
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There are parts of The North where they don’t speak English, says Boris

Plummy-voiced Eton-educated animated scarecrow Boris Johnson is concerned that there are parts of the country that don’t speak English. Specifically, The North.

“I’ve been all over The North,” claimed Boris, rising from the wreckage of his bed. “Birmingham, Liverpool, Newcastle, Glasgow, Swansea, Penzance, the East End. I can’t understand what the devil any of them is saying!”

Boris went to Newcastle to reassure the locals. “Everything will be spaffing, I mean spiffing, yes, yes, fantastic, I say, jolly good,” he stammered at a public meeting. “Goodness me!”

“Aareet, why-aye are yee takin wor yeut iv the EU?” yelled a Geordie from the crowd.

“One is most terribly sorry, my good sir, but well I say – one does beg your paaardohn one dane’t knoh what you mean,” replied Boris.

“Yee faffin faggit, ah will hoy yee intee the Tyne!” replied his adversary.

The pattern was repeated in Birmingham. “Naaa dale Brexit is bostin yaouw soy?” asked a Brummie interlocutor.

“Heavens above old bean, steady on,” replied Boris. “I must be going crazy, because I can’t make out head nor tail of your charming speech!”

“Mama weer all crazee now,” replied the Brummie in disgust.

Everywhere Boris went across The North, it was the same old story.

“Where’s all de fuck’n rips gone, eh, eh, eh? Calm down! Eh, eh?” asked a disgruntled Scouser.

“If ye dornt listen tae us Scots, we ur gonnae break awa’, Jimmy,” stated a strident Glaswegian.

“Shut yer norf and souf, yer posh bleeder!” bellowed an angry Cockney.

“It is most frightfully disappointing,” said a bewildered Boris. “None of these fine fellows can speak a single word of the Queen’s English. One is most considerably discombobulated. Compulsory re-education is the only way! Eton or bust! Jolly good show.”

Elocution means elocution. There must be some EU money sloshing around for it. Are you posh or peasant?

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Ivanka Trump now appearing in repeats of ‘Friends’

WHO’LL BE THERE FOR WHO : TV executives are scratching their heads today and urgently searching for answers after Ivanka Trump began appearing in repeats of the classic friendcom ‘Friends’.

The phenomenon was first reported several days ago by an insomniac who was up late watching re-runs.

“It was one of the Janice episodes,” Muriel Candlemaker said, “I settled down to watch it, unable to sleep because of a pre-occupation with the far right takeover of certain Western democracies. I figured some TV. Something from an earlier time when nobody would elect a president who didn’t know why WW2 was fought. A Janice episode was just starting. Perfect,

”I can’t tell you how shocked I was to find Ivanka Trump had replaced Janice, as if by magic. It was surreal. Actually it was quite terrifying. I checked myself for a temperature. I didn’t have one. Well, not until Ivanka started talking during the repeat.”

And Candlemaker wasn’t alone.

The next day, but on the other side of the world, Wrachet Lawn and his friend Amoeba Buffet, had decided to skip that afternoon’s lectures at university, get stoned, and watch ‘Friends’.

”It wasn’t even heavy grade skunk,” Buffet said, “just some of the low THC grass you can buy from vaping shops on the high road. So it wasn’t the reason Ivanka Trump was suddenly there, in ‘Friends’, instead of Joey Tribbiani. Same plot. She was pretending she owned a Ferrari, but she didn’t, she had some cardboard boxes or whatever. It was spinechilling. I don’t know what’s up or down anymore. I’ve started therapy.”

And by now the surreal mystery is worldwide. On every streaming service.

”It’s actually gotten worse. She’s no longer replacing important characters but now just there, hanging around the fringes of every scene, waving her hands like a warlock,” Mr Heckles, executive at repeat streaming service, Nostalgia, says, “we’ve tried digitally remastering the tapes but she won’t go. We don’t know what we’re going to do about it. We look like idiots. Somebody has to explain what’s going on or I’m going to lose my mind.”

The White House has been asked for comment, but none has been forthcoming.

No one knows why it’s happening. The only tentative explanation is that it’s a deliberate ploy to distract people from watching historical documentaries about the rise of fascism in the early 20th century, and coming to the conclusion, the world is currently going insane again.

”We’re re-titling the episodes, ‘Unwanted Friend’, at least that way things will make sense,” Mr Heckles said, “now please leave me alone. There’s a curious blonde woman waving her hands at my side and I’m going to see if I ignore her for long enough, will she just stop doing it and go away?”

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Melania statue revealed as statue formerly known as Ronaldo

Where does a statue go to hide, and reinvent itself? Slovenia of course, where the alleged statue of Melania Trump has been outed as the statute formerly known as Ronaldo.

More than this, the statue has renounced all names, and will henceforth be known as The Unpronounceable Squiggle.

“This is almost unprecedented,” claimed statue expert Chip Rock. “Statues have remodelled themselves in the past, but a gender reassignment is very rare.”

The commonest example is cutting off their nose to spite their face. “Like the Sphinx,” said Rock. “She attracted so much attention because of her beauty. Bored of this and wanting a quiet life, she denosed. Now she is pissed off because tourists flock to see her as an ugly weirdo instead.”

The Venus de Milo was shy about losing her arms, says Rock. “She hid in a cave for years, because she was embarrassed,” he said. “She had no way to cover up her boobs!”

Some have resisted temptation, though. “Michaelangelo’s David has been bombarded with junk emails offering penis extensions,” claims Rock. “But he is happy the way he is!”

Meanwhile the elusive Squiggle is about to commence a world tour. She/he is planning appearances next to Jesus in Rio De Janeiro, beside the Angel of the North outside Gateshead, and on the fourth plinth in London’s Trafalgar Square.

Squiggle’s final gig will be on Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. The faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln are all planning to become Donald Trump for the occasion.

The exact nature of Squiggle’s shows are being kept under wraps. Insiders have leaked some details. For example, Squiggle will sing a medley of hits including Little Red Cravat and When Snowflakes Cry. There will also be interludes of keepy-uppy, rolling around on the floor in fake agony, and sulking.

Statue means statue. Expect a very wooden performance.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-48890660

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I will freeze the living wage, says man unable to survive on an MP’s salary

The poor little rich boy is planning the announcement to coincide with the next outbreak of Brexit Party idiocy. The living wage will see no increases under his leadership, he will say.

Unfortunately he is also on record for claiming that he could not survive on a cabinet minister’s salary of £141,000, or roughly £50 an hour. Someone must have been spaffing money up the wall.

LCD Views’ Root Of All Evil correspondent contacted Boris Johnson’s office to find out why a living wage of £8.21 an hour is plenty, but £50 isn’t.

“Obviously Boris misspoke,” dissembled spokesnumpty Fay Sparm. “But he has a point. When you tot up all the amounts he has to pay, it comes to a fair whack. Especially as he can’t claim it all back on expenses like in the old days.”

Surely that’s why an MP gets paid more than most people.

“Boris isn’t most people,” says Sparm. “His hush money, I mean child maintenance payments, are astronomical. He had to take the writing job on the Telegraph just to make ends meet, and to make sure he has sufficient vintage champagne for breakfast.”

Hardly a man of the people, then.

“Depends which people you mean.”

Fair point.

But how can he expect his subjects to get by on £8.21 an hour while he can’t survive on £50?

“The rules don’t apply to Boris,” claimed Sparm triumphantly. “He can be charmingly incompetent, and insult all and sundry, and everybody loves him. It puts him in the same bracket as the Duke of Edinburgh!”

And I suppose the other expenses are totting up, too.

“Well obviously the recent incident with his lover, Carrie Onfighting, has cost Boris dear,” admitted Sparm. “Sofas and laptops cost money, and people like Boris don’t just pop down to IKEA like the rest of us. And Harrod’s delivery charges have gone through the roof now all the immigrant labour has buggered off!”

That’s OK, then. Carry on spaffing.

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Voters encouraged to choose their ‘Brexit name’ to help make a success of Brexit

KNEE MOSELEY : THE GOVERNMENT is launching a new initiative to help make a success of Brexit. The scheme will see everyone eligible to vote in the UK choose a new name flavoured by Global Britain.

“We calling it ‘Choose Your Brexit Name’,” a spokesman at DExEU told LCD Views, “we don’t have a lot to do at the ministry for Exiting the European Union In As Shambolically A Way As Possible now, so we’ve decided to help with the country’s morale.”

The drive to rename everyone in the country was inspired by the social media fad of ‘porn names’, and by a pair of well known Conservative MPs who had a baby and called it Brexit.

“Porn name jokes are all very well,” the spokesman continued, “but it’s not very British. At least, not the modern Britain, governed by idiots, that we all know and love.”

The formula for choosing your new Brexit Name is miraculously simple. So simple anyone can do it.

“Of course if you choose not to select your new Brexit name, to help make a success of Brexit,” the spokesman warned, “as soon as either Jeremy Hunt or Boris Johnson begins the drive to crash the country out of the EU by the end of October, well at that stage the government will choose a name for you. This will be done at random with a computer algorithm.”

But what’s the formula to choose your Brexit name voluntarily?

“It’s very easy,” the spokesman said, “my Brexit Name is Ear Mussolini. In fact it’s my real name now. I’ve changed it legally. But don’t worry if you don’t do that. Once the government chooses your Brexit name for you they’ll change it for you too. And give you a new blue passport.”

But what’s the formula?

“You simply take the first body part you punched yourself in and your favourite WW2 leader. It couldn’t be simpler.”

Choose your Brexit Name today, or somewhere a computer will do it for you.

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Flash Trump dedicates memorial to colonial Hawkmen who defeated RAF in American War of Independence

DUMBER COMMAND : Flash President Donald Trump has dedicated a new memorial to the colonial Hawkmen who defeated the RAF in the American War of Independence.

The memorial, in the form of a giant Brian Blessed in aerial drag, has been erected under the orders of Donald Trump on the land in front of the Lincoln Memorial, mostly obscuring it from view.

”I have invited the leader of the Hawkmen, that great American hero, Flash Gordon to dinner at the White House to celebrate the sacrifices of himself and his men in the Battle of Merciless Ming over the Bay of Washington in 1777,” Trump told a small gathering, after giving his nurse the slip, “just the greatest cheeseburgers. And fries. Lots and lots of fries. It will be a great, great meal.”

And it won’t just be the food that will be memorable.

”My daughter Ivanka will mingle with the Hawkmen offering anecdotes about her work as Secretary of State. Just the greatest stories. The way she waves her hands make me proud. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. It falls into the tree’s lap.”

But historians have been quick to point out that Flash Gordon didn’t lead the Hawkmen in battle against the RAF.

”The Hawkmen weren’t formed as an official aerial militia until the mid-twentieth century,” a famous historian said, “so it’s possible Trump has both the forces involved, the technology, the combatants, the war itself and the dates confused.”

Others have been less kind and suggested that with Trump as Commander in Chief America has temporarily replced Bomber Command with Dumber Command.