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MPs warn attempt to cancel summer leave will lead to immediate vote to #RevokeArticle50

Wait, we’re not going on a summer holiday? MPs have threatened the two men vying to be the last prime minister of the United Kingdom with an immediate vote to revoke Article 50, if Downing Street attempts to cancel MPs’ holidays.

“Even the ERG are in on it,” committed Brexiter, Lord Bumble-on-Snatch, Tory MP for Bumble-on-Snatch, told LCD Views, “If any bloody Brexit patsy prime minister threatens my trip to the Rhône this summer I’ll bring them down, and fast. Leave means leave! Strictly in the paid leave sense you understand.”

And Bumble isn’t alone. Scores of MPs across the lower chamber have awoken from their almighty slumber to voice a similar willingness to act and stop Brexit, if Brexit risks stopping them getting a tan.

“It’s all very well for Jeremy Hunt to talk about ending employment in the UK as we know it, to deliver Brexit by Halloween,” Mrs Tori Tory, MP for 0.3% of the population stated, “and sure, we’ll lose the NHS to Trump, what’s not to like? But I’ve been looking forward to catching up with my old school chums on the Costa del Sol for weeks. Just because I’ve spent the last two years saying Britain will thrive under WTO rules and no food or medicines, doesn’t mean I won’t put my name to a motion to #RevokeArticle50 if Bojo threatens my summer mojo!”

How Jeremy Hunt, or Boris Johnson, will navigate the intransigency of their own MPs, if either one of them manages to become prime minister isn’t yet clear, but we suspect it’s by immediately going back on whatever they said that lead to them to become Prime Minister.

“It’s not like we’re doing any work nowadays anyway,” Bumble added, “not since Brexit took over. I’ll be just as productive with a good vintage on a deckchair in the sun.”

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Tory leadership race now visible from space

GREAT GIANT PANTS FIRE BATMAN : Astronauts manning the International Space Station have released photos today to verify their claim the Tory leadership race is visible from space.

”While it appears to be just a single pair of flaming buttocks,” Doctor Astro Nought explained, “it’s in reality a massive conflagration. What you can see is Brexit, Boris Johnson’s never ending pants fire and Jeremy Hunt’s claim to have a heart.”

The fire itself has been burning since the 23rd June 2016, but over recent months has grown in strength and size as it consumes all available oxygen in the United Kingdom.

”It’s not exactly clear if the United Kingdom still exists,” Doctor Astro continued, “it’s somewhere in the ring of fire, between the two cheeks, but we haven’t had a clean image of the country since David Cameron resigned and Theresa May took his place as the big Brexit patsy.”

And the future of space photography of Blighty currently looks even more doubtful.

”The sheer volume of lies being uttered daily by any Brexit, and Lexit, promoting politician means that more and more pant’s fires are joining into the great big one that Boris Johnson sustains, much in the manner of a human candle.”

The scientists are aware they may face some blowback from pro-Brexit forces for releasing the photos, but they’ve done so in the public interest.

”What are they going to tell us to do? Leave and leave now? We’re already in space. This is the situation as visible from beyond the U.K. It’s what they claim to want. They have to deal with it. We just hope the fire can be contained before both cheeks explode like volcanoes.”

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Brexit rally staged at night for health and safety reasons, as attendees catch fire in sunlight

BREXIT BLASTOCYST : The organisers of a recent nocturnal, far right rally explained today why the event was staged at night, in a warehouse, in the dark, with the lights turned off.

“The air raid sirens were played because the people attending are idiots,” the organiser revealed, “although the ones paying for and orchestrating the rally are far more dangerous and devious. Milkshakes were banned out of fear of friendly fire incidents. So too garlic, holy water and crosses.”

The rally itself was merely staged for propaganda purposes so that the owner of the Brexit Party can use footage in social media outputs.

“I hope that it was clear why none of the rabble attending the rally were allowed to come to the VIP event afterwards,” the organiser added, “they’re only needed as props. Mr Nigel Fuhrage can’t be having to rub up alongside so much sweaty gammon for too long. He can’t physically transport the amount of hand sanitiser around that would be required.”

But the undead attending the rally didn’t go home empty handed, even if they went home as empty headed as they’d arrived.

“They got to fetishise a war they never fought in in which tens millions of people died. Given the average age of the attendees, they won’t be required to fight in any subsequent conflict either. And they were given a blue glow stick. Which was nice. It’ll splutter out and fade away just like the pretence to concern shown them by the organisers.”

But what about holding the next one in daylight so they whole world can see?

“Oh no, that would allow contrasts with pro-EU demonstrations and reveal how paltry the attendance actually is,” the organiser smiled, “oh and for health and safety reasons, as those attending catch fire in sunlight.”

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Jeremy Hunt says he’ll be tough on jobs, tougher on the causes of jobs

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD : Tory leadership hopeful, Jeremy Hunt (MP for Freak-on-Eyes), is bringing the kind of panache to the leadership race that only an inheritance multi-millionaire can.

“I’ll burn every job on the face of the planet, if that’s the only way to deliver Brexit,’ a smiling Mr Hunt said candidly, during a secretive, late night interview in a graveyard of political principles.

Mr Hunt was in the graveyard to dig up the body of the Honestly and we popped along to give him a hand.

“Here, grab the legs. I do this with a heavy heart, but I’m advised working as a resurrection man will give me street cred with the hipsters who decide if it’s me or Boris at the end of July.”

Next he asked us to bring his wheelbarrow a little bit closer. Honestly was buried next to Integrity, which was next to Any Semblance of Common Sense.

”I’ll also slash corporation tax, with a heavy heart,” he advised, “and you know the fresher the NHS is when you deliver it, the more they pay you. Of course we need to Brexit first so we can finish off the health service.”

But what about jobs? Given we are now so impressively insane politically, that a candidate to be PM feels it necessary to promise to destroy the livelihoods of hardworking British taxpayers?

”Well I’ll be tough on jobs,” he nodded, putting the shovel on top of the body, “and tougher on the causes of jobs.”

That’s one hell of a Brexit policy. It’s a wonder Boris Johnson didn’t think of it first.

”Oh, he’s too busy looking for a room to rent on sparerooms, or airbandb or whatever it is young lovers on the run use to protect their privacy,” Mr Hunt replied, “between looking for somewhere to sleep each night and his arts and craft hobby, I’m surprised he has time to campaign.”

So which jobs in particular will you be tough on?

”Manual workers. Manufacturing. Low skilled ones like teachers and nurses. Firemen? The rest of those will go in the waves of fresh austerity following any Brexit. Financial Services. Higher Education. It really doesn’t matter. If it employs people and provides self worth and stability, it’s dead. By the time I’m finished only inheritance millionaires will be in work. I parked my van over there. Let’s load up and get out of here.”

Where are we taking Honesty?

”To the nearest Conservative Party Hustings. If I can’t put it up on a scaffold before 0.3% of the population and show them it’s lifeless I don’t have a chance of winning.”

I’m surprised Boris hasn’t got here before you.

“Oh, he didn’t even realise political Honesty’s dead. He had no use for it when it was alive.”

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I meant to say cheese eating surrender monkeys, not turds, says Boris

Prime Minister in waiting, Boris Johnson, has endeared himself to the British public by calling the French ‘turds’. Cries of gleeful Francophobia at this latest gaffe must wait, though. I misspoke, claims Boris.

“It just slipped out,” said a contrite Boris the next day. “It’s tough at the top, pressure from all sides. Cannons to the left of me, cannons to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you. Brexit is ours to do and die, and I will do it even if it kills me!”

And what has all that got to with the French?

“Yes, yes, yes, I was coming to that,” bluffed Boris. “Of course, the natural insult for the French is ‘Frogs’, but that’s so old school. I meant to say ‘cheese eating surrender monkeys’. That would look good painted on the side of a bus!”

Even one made from wine boxes?

“It’s my latest project!” burbled Boris. “I am going to paint my entire manifesto on the sides of buses, so I never need turn up to a hustings again!”

We fully expect buses, childishly painted, to replace debate in the coming weeks. Expect slogans like ‘Fuck business!’, ‘We will leave on 31 October unless I chicken out!’, and ‘I don’t negotiate with turds cheese eating surrender monkeys!’ The standard of discourse is predicted to improve greatly.

LCD Views’ Pardon My French correspondent, Didi Saythat, did his best to analyse Johnson’s amorphous waffling.

“He’s taking bollocks as usual,” was Saythat’s considered opinion. “Making it up as he goes along. I expect he did say ‘turds’, and the BBC conspired to cover it up, probably with lots of toilet paper. It’s a tissue of lies!”

Incredibly, the Daily Mail, of all papers, detected the skidmark and brought it to public notice. We can only assume that the Mail supports Jeremy C. Hunt as Tory leader.

And what about the French? Boris again: “Let them eat cheese.”

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‘Team America : World Police’ sequel reveals current North Korean leader is far from lonely

AMERICA F*CK YEAH : The long awaited sequel to the smash hit documentary on US-NK relations, ‘Team America’, is out now and it reveals the current North Korean leader is no longer lonely.

”Kim Jong-un’s father, Kim Jong-il was lonely,” our movie critic recalls, “in fact so lonely he used to burst into song so that everybody knew it. This was captured in the first installment of the documentary series, Team America, which took us into the private, inner world of the deceased dictator.”

But times have changed and so have the fortunes of the leader of North Korea.

”The old North Korea faced a hostile America governed by a president who wasn’t the sharpest, but he certainly wasn’t about to jump on a plane and validate a murderous dictator happily, and unnecessarily, starving his own people. But in Donald Trump Kim Jong-un has found a man with a bigger heart and an imagination to match.”

The sequel allows us to follow Donald and Kim about as they show the world that the tyranny of distance, in terms of governance, no longer applies.

”This is a friendship that has made the world sit up and take notice,” our critic says, “basically the old rules are binned. No more paying lip service to pretending everyone should have a bite of the democracy cake. In fact it seems more like it’s the other way around, as it’s hard to name a tyrant Donald Trump wouldn’t validate.”

But the real winner is of course Kim Jong-un. The moment Donald walked across that border from South to North Korea, next to Kim, the world could see no one can build a wall between these two.

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International Rescue team claim they have located entire country down rabbit hole

CALLS FOR HELP HEARD : The world famous team at International Rescue claim they have located an entire country down a giant rabbit hole.

Shortly before 6am this morning, it is reported, Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward was driving her six wheeled Rolls Royce to the only off licence open early in her neighbourhood that sells tea, when she heard the call for help.

She initially attempted to contact Brains, but discovered he is no longer in the United Kingdom, having left it upon the decision to Brexit.

“I next sent a text to John Tracy, but he also failed to answer. I believe he was orbiting over the Atlantic at the time. He was almost certainly stoned, with his headphones on listening to David Bowie,” Lady Penelope wrote in her regular blogpost, “happily I was able to contact Virgil, because he isn’t a waster.”

The pair located the source of the call for help together and are at this moment attempting to round up the rest of the International Rescue crew to agree on a plan of action.

“The country is down a rabbit hole,” Lady Penelope continues, “and it’s a deep one. I suspect it has actually progressed to being a sinkhole now, when you consider who the next leader is expected to be. The call for assistance is repetitive though, in spite of this, just hard to discern at times over the jingoistic bombast that is also being broadcast.”

It’s believed Jeff Tracy himself will have to coordinate any rescue attempt, but some complications are suspected, as he was recently seen at a Brexit Party rally.

“The country almost certainly has the capacity to rescue itself,” Lady Penelope added, “but in order to get out of the rabbit hole certain leading individuals will have to stop blinking at the headlights of oncoming disaster and act quickly.”

The country is thought to be the United Kingdom. Portions of it are expected to emerge intact whatever International Rescue do. But the rescue itself is apparently complicated by other individuals down the hole who believe digging deeper is the only way to get out.

“All they really need to do to get out is turn around and go back the way they came,” Lady Penelope shrugs, “oh and start holding public inquiries into the massive amount of corruption, lawbreaking, electoral crime and political bollocks that saw them go down the hole to begin with.”

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New cross party Tory-Lab talks conclude Libdem poll lead is a message to deliver Brexit

GREAT ANTI-BREXIT POLLS BATMAN : The latest YouGov polls giving the pro-EU Libdems a lead over the other English parties, and Nigel’s company which pretends to be a party, are suspected to have triggered a new round of crossparty crisis talks, between the government and official opposition.

“It’s clearly a message to get on and deliver Brexit,” a Random Drone, Tory MP for Kamikaze-on-swans, told LCD Views, “the people are telling us that if we don’t get this purely voluntary political project delivered then they’ll begin voting for clear anti-Brexit parties just to punish us.”

Given that there is no other possible reading to make of the resurgence of a party that was once banished to the fringes, returning strongly, it’s hoped that the elevation of Boris Johnson to Tory leader will see the Libdems tossed back into the wilderness.

”It’s a clear message to elect the strongest Brexit symbol conceivable,” A Random Idiot also said, because he is one.

But the shock poll is liable to cause more than a ripple of concern amongst the ranks of Labour.

The leadership of Len and Milne, speaking through the medium of Corbyn, have so far remained steadfast in denial of reality. There is a cuddly Brexit to be had, so long as people believe in it. Membership of the single market must end, taking freedom of movement with it, because what’s a right of that magnitude worth when you can remove it? Thus increasing our bargaining power with the bosses of large companies. There’s no chance they’ll just move the jobs back into the single market.

”It also tests the loyalty of those devious pro-EU MPs in our ranks. How much can they take? How much before they walk away as a block? We need to know.”

Just how significant the swing away from the two old parties to smaller pro-EU ones has to be, before a strong anti-Brexit, unambiguous message emerges from the Labour leadership, we need to know too. And how bad does it need to get for more pro-EU Tory MPs to cross the floor?

Let’s hope both sides answer the question before mad Boris (assuming he wins over that mad Hunt) makes a crazed power play to crash us out of the EU. It’ll only take a few more MPs walking away to stop him even forming a government…

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Empty chair now Tory leadership favourite

Latest polls about the Tory leadership reveal the startling truth that an empty chair is now the most popular candidate. The most literally vacant option for the vacancy is polling at 52%, ahead of pretty boy Boris and pretty vacant Hunt.

It’s a case of a Brexit slant on an old tale. If the polls are correct, then the next Prime Minister will be the Emperor’s New Candidate.

“It’s a no-brainer,” opined Tory stalwart Rich Old-White. “Boris is a spoilt sixteen year old pretending to be a middle-aged man. Hunt is just unspeakably dire. An empty chair is a safe pair of hands.”

But it’s a complete absence. A void. The Tory leadership has gone AWOL.

“Fine by me,” says Old-White. “I would sooner listen to the sound of silence than May’s deranged squawk, Johnson’s charming drivel or Hunt’s arrogant idiocy.”

But how could an empty chair represent Britain on the international stage?

“By sheer force of personality,” replied Old-White. “Absence has real presence! Sending an empty chair to Brussels sends a clear message that the UK wants out, and wants out now. Not only will we stop at nothing, we will settle for nothing less than we have now, and show the world that no leader is better than a bad leader! Nothing is better than our current deal, so we want nothing! Nothing could be clearer!”

It seems as clear as mud to the rest of us.

“Nonsense, you just have to believe more,” responded Old-White. “A leadership contest? Endless power struggles? Johnson? Hunt? Nothing is better for Britain!”

Empty head, empty vessel, or empty chair? That is the choice that Old-White and his fellow Tories must make. Both physical candidates are current or former Foreign Secretaries. From FO sweet FA.

Clearly, for loyal Tories, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

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Boris responds to Stormzy Glastonbury chant “F*ck Boris” by building Tory Glastonbury from wine boxes

KNOW ME FROM – A WINE BOX BUS : Shambolic Tory leadership hopeful, Boris Johnson, has responded to Glastonbury headline act Stormzy leading a chant from the main stage of “F*ck Boris” with his trademark skill at arts and crafts.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/glastonbury-2019-stormzy-boris-johnson-bbc-watch-video-a8980196.html%3famp

In an interview recorded early this morning for the BBC a disheveled Mr Johnson initially looked all at sea over the revelation that he may not have the youth vote sewn up, yet.

“What’s a fellow have to do to get a Bloody Mary around here?” he demanded of the questioner, “come on. Hair of the dog! Chaps got to dig out an old photo of myself and Mr Stormy sitting at outdoor furniture for the Mail on Sunday. What the bloody hell is that in the shadows of the general election polls? Cripes.”

But when directed to give his response to the Stormzy event at Glastonbury he found the right gear.

“I um…ah…well…………….ah……I make Tory Glastonburies out of cardboard….no…out of wine boxes. What I do is. Ahhh. I get empty wine crates and I paint them. I paint on the festival goers. Then I put a little cardboard me on the stage and I lead a chant of ‘F*ck business!’ from the stage.”

Asked to produce the Tory Glastonbury model Mr Johnson initially froze, smile plastered to his face under rapidly blinking eyes.

“I donate them afterwards. Instantly. To the overseas aid budget. Great auction items. Just fantastic. They sell like hotcakes. You’ve probably got one in your loft, behind that old aga that grandma managed to somehow carry up there in a gin rage. The aga is made from cardboard too. In fact, so am I. I make myself out of these empty, well, not cardboard, wine boxes, you see I get empty wine boxes and I…get a cat, a dead cat, and I throw it on the table. It’s works great for the 0.3% who are going to vote for me. I’m a headline act.”

He may consider himself a headline act, but it’s becoming clear to all but the Tory membership and some Brexit Party psychos, that he’s only a headline act at Tory Glastonbury.