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Professional walker Rory Stewart loses Fitbit sponsorship after falling to win race

DOWN AND OUT : A man who has recently become famous for walking, perhaps unnecessarily, has lost his Fitbit sponsorship after falling to win a long, drawn out, probably rigged race.

Rory Stewart, both five and five hundred years of age, acquired the sponsorship a few weeks ago after becoming notorious on social media for turning up unexpectedly on foot and attempting to appear sane to strangers.

”He’s a bit of Eddy the Eagle about him,” a source at the famous fitness tracker manufacturer told LCD Views, “plucky loser. Doomed from the start. Attempting to capture the hearts of the country regardless by a unique ability to lose a competitive event with a smile. And hell, no one can say he didn’t walk a lot of steps until the others worked out a strategy to kick him out of the race.”

What the strategy was isn’t entirely clear, but some observers have suggested one of the bigger, fatter, madder, dodgier entrants conspired to have some of the smaller, leaner, just as insane men in the race knock out little old baby Rory.

”We’re happy to have an excuse to end sponsorship if I’m honest,” the source at Fitbit added, “while initially having a man prepared to crisscross the country daily pretending to look into a smart phone seemed clever, we became concerned he was just making up the number of steps he did. If you move your arm rapidly up and down in a piston like motion it can add steps that were gained laying down,

”Although to be fair your pulse is probably running fast while you do it. And you’re probably grimacing like Rory attempting to look sane too.”

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Doctors say Mark Francois’s small man syndrome is incurable

YOU’RE A SMALL MAN REALLY, AREN’T YOU : Doctors working to treat Tory MP for Rayleigh and Wickford, Mark Francois, have released a statement this morning saying his case of small man syndrome is incurable.

“We tried standing him on an empty tea chest,” head specialist at the clinic, Doctor Long Leggs said, “but he was still an offensive little prat.”

Fitting the vindictive and quarrelsome little man with high heels was similarly useless.

“He fell over every time. Lay there like a beetle on its back, tiny limbs waving uselessly, threatening to bite anyone that tried to help him. Clearly the treatment was worse than the cure, so we abandoned that too.”

Psychological counselling was also a non-starter.

“He’s so insecure, he’s just so small, we couldn’t reach him. We even tried leaving him locked in an isolation chamber so there was no reference to how petty he is from the outside world, actually, from the entire universe, but it didn’t work. The hole inside is too deep. He actually fell further into himself and that could have become terminal. We had to pull him out. But then he was faced with men who will always be taller than he is, regardless of their physical height, and he went red in the face and started screaming about what he’d left behind on the beaches of Normandy. It was a pathetic sight.”

But with treatment impossible the search is now on for what to do to make his life as comfortable as possible.

“We suggest he lives out his days as Jacob Rees-mogg’s toilet roll holder. At least then he can be happy, close to the source of all the shit that makes him feel worthwhile and supplies his mistaken sense of self-importance. When really he’s just a means to an end.”

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Top Tories SLAM EU for forcing them to hold leadership contest in the first place

Top Tory Brexiters have become even more offensive today as they take the fight to avoid personal accountability for the clusterfuck the Tory leadership race is direct to Brussels.

”It’s the EU’s fault for forcing Westminster to hold the 2016 EU referendumb in the first place,” A Piercing-Idiot told LCD Views, “and now for forcing us to hold a leadership contest because of their intransigence. They’e made us look like complete prats.”

The EU is far from perfect, but endangering our central place in the power structures of the largest trading bloc on Earth? By forcing David Cameron’s hand? Lest he lose a few more votes to deluded racists? And now forcing the Tories to change leader with Brexit dying on its feet?

Well, that’s not cricket. We can see why the Tories are enraged.

“It’s the French and the Germans, they’ve never gotten over Britain defeating them in two world wars and one world cup.”

And Peircing-Idiot isn’t alone.

Figel Barrage.

Jacob Reeks-smogg.

Iain Duncan Isacompleteidiot and numerous others who would have been for appeasement in the late 1930’s are gearing up to make sure everyone in the U.K. knows exactly who is to blame for Boris Johnson looking like a total pillock.

”Whose fault will it be when we install an absolute sociopath who thinks poor people starve because they’re too lazy to hunt?” Piercing-Idiot wanted to know.

“Whose fault will it be when we refuse to negotiate and stick to our new red lines that intentionally contradict the legal treaties and agreed principles of the EU? Making it impossible for them to give us a deal? It’s not like we want a complete disaster to profit from.”

Good questions.

”Whose fault will it be when we ration bread and aspirins and the police die of exhaustion stopping hoodies raiding LIDL?”

I think you can stop asking the questions now Piercing-Idiot. We will know exactly whose fault it is.

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I may be useless, but at least I’m not Corbyn, says Boris

The charismatic void that is Boris Johnson has made his play at last. I might be a bit of a useless fibble fabble, but I’m no Jeremy Corbyn, is his official line.

Johnson sent his representative, a Mr M. T. Chair, to field questions on his behalf.

So this is your big selling point, we asked Mr Chair, that you are not, in fact, the leader of the opposition?

“That’s exactly correct,” confirmed Chair. “I think you will find that twinkle-eyed charm and bawdy tales from the lower sixth common room are a more than adequate substitute for policies, especially as the only policy that matters is Brexit, and the only person delivering Brexit is the Royal Mail, ha ha! Did you know, when I was in Egypt with old Squiffy, I sent a postcard home, and after I got back from my jolly tour of the Med, it still hadn’t arrived? Probably didn’t spell England right, you know, most of the posties these days can’t read, but it showed some old chap on a unicycle by the Pyramids. Good times, what?”

Yes, yes, but what about your comment about Corbyn?

“Oh, Jeremy, you know, he’s a lovely chap, but not up to the job,” Chair replied. “”A bit like old Squiffy, in fact. I was talking about this with Jeremy Cu… ooops, nearly said it, ha ha! He knows Squiffy of course, and we agreed that he’s a complete Bertie Wooster, but we don’t agree on anything else, good God no, no, no, we’re rivals after all!”

And what’s wrong with Corbyn?

“What’s right with him?” argued Chair. “In fact, what’s right and what’s wrong? Does it matter? What matters is that he is kept out of Number Ten, so that Squiffy and all my chums can have five more years in the gravy boat.”

You mean gravy train?

“No, it’s been sold off,” said Chair. “It’s boats all the way now!”

It’s official. Tory Party (or at least Boris Party) policy is ‘Yeah, but Corbyn’.

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All remaining Tory leadership contenders go into hiding so they can’t screw up becoming PM

FINGER TO LIPS : “Just don’t speak” is the advice being proffered to the five remaining Tory leadership contenders, after last night’s televised debate.

“If we all go into hiding together then we can’t screw up becoming prime minister,” Michael Gove is rumoured to have said, “perhaps we could form a coalition and govern together? As chums. Light a fire and sing some songs?”

Boris Johnson is believed to have considered the idea, thinking it would make him look like a leader, as the other four would be following his earlier lead in the campaign.

“If it’s a walking escape then I’ve got a map and a compass,” Rory Stewart, Weyland-Yutan’s missing link between the Ash and Bishop androids (made famous in the early Alien films) was heard to respond, “I even know a great cave we can hide in. It has eggs inside. We won’t go hungry.”

Sajid Javid didn’t say anything. He was said to be searching his childhood memories for something relevant to say.

And as for Jeremy Hunt? He’s said to have offered to lead also, saying he would walk backwards and all the others had to do was “look into my eyes, don’t look anywhere but my eyes” and they’d be safe.

It’s a good idea. After the shouting match by the men who knew too little it’s clear that the phrase “a government of all the talents” will not be used again in the UK anytime soon.

What is certain is that the less they speak the better now and the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom may well be someone who wasn’t in the room last night at all.

Happy trails boys. Just start walking. You’ll be doing us all a favour.

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Man explains he thought throwing milkshake at Farage WAS community service

Chuck A. Beveridge, the man who threw milkshake at Nigel Farage, is confused. He has been ordered to do community service, but thought that he had already done that by throwing the milkshake.

Beveridge was hauled up in front of humourless magistrates to do penance.  “It’s a disgrace!” thundered magistrate Waring A. Silliwig. “In this great country, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England, one simply does not throw expensive drinks at fringe politicians!”

Beveridge was not to be browbeaten. “It was a spur of the moment act,” he replied. “I was enjoying a tasty, milky drink and minding my own business. Then this procession came towards me, accompanied by the stench of nostalgic exceptionalism, and led by a man I can only describe as Nigel Farage. I saw red, white and blue. I didn’t even think. I just launched the shake. I did it for the greater good!”

“I fail to see how defacing one of our minor celebrities constitutes the greater good,” replied Silliwig, with a trace of sarcasm. “You will do 150 hours of community service!”

“But milkshaking Farage is an act of community service,” Beveridge responded. “The poisonous, slippery little man has had it his own way far too much. Nobody is prepared to stand up to him. I think he’s milking it too much!”

“And you must pay for the clean-up!” continued Silliwig, not to be deflected. “The street will need to be scrubbed, and the non-recycleable cup and straw must be disposed of!”

“What about Nigel’s suit?” asked Beveridge.

“Yeah, I suppose we should get that cleaned up too,” agreed Silliwig. “Mustn’t have him strutting about with it like a badge of honour!”

“So you agree with me,” said Beveridge.

“Yes, but officially I can’t,” said Silliwig. “I’m paid to stick up for the wealthy and privileged. 150 hours of community service. Next!”

Beveridge may have lost his job as a result of the incident, but he has already moved into TV production. Tune in tonight for his new show, Celebrity Shakes!

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Brexitmatosis – a cautionary tale with a happy ending

Once upon a time…

Pixie and Pearl were two white rabbits , sisters, who lived under the rolling green downs near the sea. Where the land ended there was a sharp drop to the rocky beach below , which was known as the Cliff Edge, near the Seven Sisters, no relation! They lived a happy carefree life , munching the luscious green grass and diving into their burrow whenever birds of prey hovered above.

They did not see many people as where they lived was out of the way and not the easiest of places to get to on foot  although some humans did visit, for the walks, fresh air and because they had heard that rabbits lived there. Years ago they had been virtually wiped out by a vicious monster called Myxomatosis, but their race had survived and returned.

One day they were woken by the sound of loud shouting. They rushed up from their underground home and sat upright, ears upright and whiskers quivering, to see what the reason for the uproar was.

They looked down into the valley and saw huge crowds of people, led by a large man with blonde hair which stood up and blew about in the wind, walking cheerfully towards the Cliff Edge. They were chanting “Take back control, we want our country back, 350 million for the NHS, no deal, we voted to Leave, will of the people.”

None of this meant anything at all to the rabbits of course, but they did wonder that going towards the Cliff Edge would have bad consequences.

“Why are those people rushing towards the edge of the cliff, they’re not birds they can’t fly,” said Pixie to her sister.

“Something is driving them to think it is a good thing,” said Pearl who was a slightly more worldly rabbit than gentle Pixie. “They think they can fly, but that’s strictly for the birds,” she added.

Before they could think or say anything else, the people were disappearing over the edge, like a waterfall cascading over the rocks, down to the sea below.

The rabbits dimly recalled the terrible disease, imported from a country far away, that had destroyed so many of their ancestors, and saw similarities between that and what was affecting the people below.

“I think this is something called Brexitmatosis,” muttered Pearl as they dived underground to escape the terrible scene they had had just witnessed.

And Pixie and Pearl lived happily ever after, because they didn’t hurl themselves off the Cliff Edge into the sea.

THE END

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Farage confident of making it through to next round of Conservative leadership contest

EVIL JESTERS : Nigel Farage has spoken today of his confidence of making it through to the next round of the Conservative Party leadership contest.

”Now, now, let me speak,” Mr Fuhrage began his interview on Radio 4’s flagship light entertainment and hard right propaganda outfit, Today, this morning,

“democracy itself is at stake. Unless, unless, and I want to make this completely clear, unless 0.2% of the ageing, white, predominately male and well off English population can choose myself, or some other stooge with disputed funding arrangements, as the actual leader of the governing Conservative Party, while making it appear they’ve chosen someone else, democracy itself is at stake.”

But when challenged by the dynamic duo of Humphrys and Robinson to sell his legitimacy even harder, Mr PayPal was happy to oblige.

”17.4m knew what they were voting for after a mass dark money funded, social media, micro-targeted, political ad campaign in 2016. And now, now, let me speak…”

Mr Humphrys/Robinson : We are, we only interrupt centrists or left wingers. Please continue.

”As I was saying before pretending to be interrupted. The people decided in 2016 and the people are deciding in 2019 to elect someone who may, or may not, have foreign billionaire backers. The people knew what they were voting for when they overwhelmingly voted for Brexit and they know what they’re getting now when they elect me as the new Conservative Party leader. And so long as Labour remain committed to delivering on the will of the broken promises and criminality from 2016, I’m leader of that party too. Which is the best way to combat the rising far right, by promising to fulfil their only stated policy objective, however scant the details of it. Uncomfortable though that truth maybe for some. If they don’t like it they can vote Green, Libdem, Plaid or SNP, which it seems they’re now happy to do.”

But when asked what he would say if after making it through to the final two contenders for Tory leader, Mr Farage found himself faced with a 52/48 percent split in the vote? He was still his usual trademark adamant self.

”So long as I win, by fair or foul means, 52/48 is finished business.”

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‘Brexity McBrexit McFuckface’ beats ‘Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad’ to be UK’s epitaph

PROFESSIONAL MOURNERS REQUIRED : LCD VIEWS HAS THE EXCLUSIVE TODAY that the secret Whitehall contest to choose the United Kingdom’s epitaph has chosen a winner.

“Brexity McBrexit McFuckface beats ‘Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad’ in a poll of civil servants,” our Whitehall fly on the wall reveals, “and no one is complaining at all.”

While the winner references the competition to name a big boat, there is clearly no danger of David Attenborough being involved in the wording as an alternative, as unlike other aged national treasures he’s shown himself to be completely against Brexit.

Which is a bloody relief, I can tell you, when you consider Cleese, Caine, Daltrey and others.

“Although the entire lyrics of ‘My Generation’ were in the running early on to be chiseled complete on the tombstone. This was abandoned because very many of that generation aren’t actually kippers and it wasn’t fair to tar them with the same brush as the gammon faced lunatics they stuff Question Time full of.”

‘Evil appears as good in the minds of those whom god leads to destruction’ was also in the running, but fell at the last hurdle in preference of the more contemporary phrasing.

“Calls to cancel the result and have someone in cabinet decide what to chisel into the stone have been ignored, because it’s blood obvious now that anyone serving in the cabinet is too crazy to be trusted with a task of such gravity.”

The gravestone will now be prepared and stored at public expense.

In the event any Brexit occurs it will be revealed to the public to reassure them that plans to continue sound and stable governance (of a soon to be deceased thereafter United Kingdom) have long been in place.