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‘Brexity McBrexit McFuckface’ beats ‘Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad’ to be UK’s epitaph

PROFESSIONAL MOURNERS REQUIRED : LCD VIEWS HAS THE EXCLUSIVE TODAY that the secret Whitehall contest to choose the United Kingdom’s epitaph has chosen a winner.

“Brexity McBrexit McFuckface beats ‘Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad’ in a poll of civil servants,” our Whitehall fly on the wall reveals, “and no one is complaining at all.”

While the winner references the competition to name a big boat, there is clearly no danger of David Attenborough being involved in the wording as an alternative, as unlike other aged national treasures he’s shown himself to be completely against Brexit.

Which is a bloody relief, I can tell you, when you consider Cleese, Caine, Daltrey and others.

“Although the entire lyrics of ‘My Generation’ were in the running early on to be chiseled complete on the tombstone. This was abandoned because very many of that generation aren’t actually kippers and it wasn’t fair to tar them with the same brush as the gammon faced lunatics they stuff Question Time full of.”

‘Evil appears as good in the minds of those whom god leads to destruction’ was also in the running, but fell at the last hurdle in preference of the more contemporary phrasing.

“Calls to cancel the result and have someone in cabinet decide what to chisel into the stone have been ignored, because it’s blood obvious now that anyone serving in the cabinet is too crazy to be trusted with a task of such gravity.”

The gravestone will now be prepared and stored at public expense.

In the event any Brexit occurs it will be revealed to the public to reassure them that plans to continue sound and stable governance (of a soon to be deceased thereafter United Kingdom) have long been in place.

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Straighten that jacket! Downing Street tailor releases design for next prime minister’s outfit

A STITCH IN TIME : GREAT suits Batman! Photos are emerging today of the new draft design for the outfit to be worn by the United Kingdom’s next, and almost certainly last, prime minister.

“You’d have to be Houdini to get out of it,” our dedicated follower of fashion comments, “and even he would have some trouble, given that the next prime minister will not only be in a straight jacket, with chains and locks around their limbs, but in a glass tank filled with water, dropped into the Thames off Westminster Pier, with a concrete block on the little door in the box to ensure they never get out of it. This is Brexit. This is the suit.”

But although appropriate to the situation the new leader of the country will find themselves in, regardless of who it is, critics have been quick to point out that more fitting alternatives should have been considered.

“What’s wrong with a classic Iron Maiden? People want to know,” our dedicated follower of fashion understands, “or the trolley and face mask get up favoured by Hannibal Lectre? Which is just as fitting for anyone that believes they can make a success of being Brexit prime minister.”

These are good questions. LCD Views believes that a stripped down design should also have been given serious consideration.

Because whoever is chosen to be emperor by the three old men, clinically insane and shouting at a dying shrub, that comprise the last Tory Party membership, that person will definitely be wearing the emperor’s new clothes from the moment they assume office.

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Deal’s off! Devil returns man’s soul out of terror of eternity with it

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT : THE DEVIL himself is in the news today, speaking about how he managed to get his soul back from Satan.

Goggle eyed lord of darkness, Jeremy Hunt, is clearly pleased as punch over having his soul returned by Beelzebub late last night.

“The fiend left Jeremy’s soul in a greasy, brown paper bag on the doorstep of Mr Hunt’s home,” an aide to Lucifer told LCD Views, “he didn’t want to risk having to look into the serpent’s eyes. Bag it. Drop it. Run.”

But why give back something he’d paid for with no possibility of recouping the cost?

“It’s worthless. Oh, and it was the smell. It was pretty overwhelming. Like a barrel of dead fish crossed with a complete idiot soaked in the sweat of an old pair of running shoes. It was only going to get worse over eternity. So a decision was taken to remove it. Write off the loss and move on.”

A cock-a-hoop Mr Hunt (holding the small bag between thumb and forefinger) told reporters:

“It’s pretty funny. I get to continue being myself and enjoying the sense of entitlement, I mean achievement, that comes from getting away with forgetting to register seven luxury flats on member’s interests, while plotting to further remove any sense of joy from mere mortals. Quite amazing really. I never expected, when agreeing my Faustian pact as a young man, that the devil would renege on the deal and I’d get to keep the spoils regardless. It just shows how clever I am. Why I should be prime minister.”

What exactly he plans to do with his soul now that it is returned isn’t yet clear.

“I’ll probably put it in the basement with my conscience,” Mr Hunt shrugged, “and all the other possessions that I’ve no use for.”

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Empty chair tops polling as preferred prime minister

NONE OF THE ABOVE : Polling by SomeoneGuv released today has revealed that an empty chair now tops the polling as the preferred next prime minister of the United Kingdom.

“The previous frontrunner, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, thought he was playing a canny game by hiding from everyone in the country as much as possible, but it seems the strategy has now become too much of a good thing. People are beginning to like the idea of his absence. So it’s not really a shock that an empty chair, the symbol of his absence, should seize the opportunity with relish.”

What relish isn’t exactly clear, but it’s believed Branston Pickle is the most likely relish the chair has taken hold of.

“How Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson will respond to suddenly finding himself a distant second to an empty chair is not yet clear, but it’s believed he may risk sitting on it.”

That in itself is seen as a high risk move, surely?

“Indeed. The moment he sits on the chair people will be reminded why they favour it so empty. Especially when you consider the calm, sturdy nature of a solid piece of furniture and its inability to talk an endless steam of bollocks.”

It seems now that the chair has captured the public imagination there is little to stop it opening up a lead so commanding the other contenders to be prime minister may as well give up and start asking for a job in cabinet.

“Four legs, a back, prepared to support people without reference to race, gender or sexual orientation? Able to change direction when required by circumstance, but otherwise consistent in where it faces, what isn’t to like about an empty chair in preference to that bumbling blonde catastrophe Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson?”

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Donald Trump enters Tory leadership contest with one tweet

RED, WHITE AND BLUE BREXIT : So called President of the United States, Donald Trump, has made a late entry into the Tory leadership contest today with a single tweet.

At a little after 5am this morning, as POTUS began his ritual ‘executive time’ on the White House toilet, he fired off the tweet that sent shockwaves through the governing Conservative Party.

“Before the tweet an empty chair was the most popular to takeover when Theresa May’s cold hands are prized off the keys to Downing Street,” our transatlantic correspondent corresponded, “then Boris Johnson, then Jeremy Who Rhymes and after that just fcuk knows. But with his actions on the famous social media site Donald Trump is now the clear favourite.”

Queries about the legality of Trump entering the race to be the UK’s next PM have been brushed aside because the law doesn’t matter anymore in the UK or the USA.

“It’s a smart play,” our analyst continues, “he waited for some of the obvious losers to eliminate themselves before throwing his hat into the ring. There’s little that stands in his way now from entering Downing Street except common sense. So nothing really, as the UK abandoned any pretence to being sensible when the Tories were re-elected to govern on their own in 2015.”

Trump’s ascendancy to the top job in British politics offers continuity in government too, as one of the primary drivers of the executive since 2015 has been to make US billionaires happy.

“It really just cuts out the middle man too,” our analyst observed, “if any Brexit does occur the UK will be run entirely from the White House anyway.”

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Popcorn manufacturers supporting Boris

At last, a real Brexit dividend. Manufacturers of popcorn are backing Boris ‘Fuck Business’ Johnson, seeking a boost in sales.

The probable next PM, Boris Johnson is likely to allow this country to fall into dereliction. However, observers will enjoy watching the spectacle while tucking into a tasty snack. Great theatre, dreadful politics.

You can picture the scene. Boris turns up to an important summit, 15 minutes late and completely unprepared. Half an hour of good-natured waffle (including a hilarious anecdote about Theresa May and a sausage roll) later, and nothing will have been achieved, but everyone will be in his power. Global Britain reduced to an admittedly well honed comedy act.

It is our duty to watch the compelling spectacle unfold with equal measures of laughter, horror and popcorn.

“It’s a golden opportunity,” remarks SuperPop! CEO, Carrie-Mel Flava. “We are taking on staff and opening premises across the country in anticipation. We have taken £350m in orders in one week for the new Westminster branch alone.”

Flava has put a complete range of Brexit popcorns on the market. For example, Strong And SuperPop!, which disintegrates under the slightest pressure. Then there’s Sunlit Uplands, which contains a few sad grains of corn to pop yourself. Finally, there is the Brexit Dividend, which is an enormous bag containing an IOU.

Hollywood is already in London, filming location shots for The Brexit Movie. We are anticipating a spectacular high budget disaster film, starring Tom Hanks as Boris Johnson.

“We are aiming British themed popcorn at the American market,” says Flava. “There won’t be any cinemas left in the UK after we crash out, but the Americans love the 51st State and its people. We are already trialling some cool new varieties. Nice Cup Of Tea flavour popcorn, Sweet Nostalgia flavour, and Bitter Disappointment.”

Boris will be bad for Britain, but great for sales of popcorn. And we have a ringside seat!

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10 Downing Street confirms Hong Kong does not exist and we can learn nothing there

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE HONG KONG DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that a series of protest marches involving over one million people in Hong Kong has led to the executive changing its mind.

The reversal concerns a law that would have changed Hong Kong’s relationship with its nearest neighbour (actually China), but also the rest of the world, given the unique circumstances of Hong Kong.

https://asia.nikkei.com/Spotlight/Hong-Kong-protests/Hong-Kong-government-suspends-extradition-bill

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to halt the progress of a bill concerning changes to the extradition law in Hong Kong, whereby people accused of crimes in China could be much more easily whisked away to whatever fate awaits them,

“This abrupt change in direction by the chief executive of Hong Kong, which does not exist, as a result of mass protests by the citizens and concerns over threats to its democracy has no application in Mighty Britannia. The non-existent country concerned does not exist. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered. This government is not for turning. If a democracy can change its mind then it ceases to be a democracy. That’s it. That’s how democracy works. New information. Large protests by frustrated citizens concerned that their elected representatives are making incredibly stupid decisions, that has no application in the United Kingdom. We invented democracy so we can damn well do what we want with it. So there.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the territory concerned, Hong Kong, does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should consider if we also need to pause and think?

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle no good layabouts on the streets,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the people of Hong Kong that you just make up the reassurances you want to support whatever dangerous change to the territory’s status is proposed. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT LAM HAS DECIDED. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small place. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Hong Kong does still exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with multiple protests of concerned citizens.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that all options for Carrie Lam remain on the table.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the people of Hong Kong! Even though you don’t exist! And hope our own executive can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

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Dominic Raab’s plan for managing No Deal Brexit leaked to the press

I LOVE THE SMELL OF DOM-INATION IN THE MORNING : Dominic Raab is searching for the mole in his tightly knit campaign team this morning after his plan for managing a No Deal Brexit was leaked to the press.

”He’s so mad he’s got lockjaw,” an aide to Raging Raab told us on the condition we don’t print it, “he normally does of course. He sees another dog near one of his bones or chew toys and he’s clamped onto it harder than Farage with a dodgy expense claim.”

Quite how the mole was able to get the plan outside of the Rabid Raab wolf den is open to speculation, with many believing it wasn’t possible to leak Rancid Raab’s inner thoughts, purely because there aren’t any.

”It’s especially grating,” the aide added, “as Raab the Rinser had only just settled on ‘I love the smell of napalm in the morning’ as the way to avoid truck tailbacks in Kent,

”He had to develop the new plan after Boris Johnson’s blank notepad plan was published. This was coincidentally so similar to Righteous Raab’s own plan that he was determined to come up with something new, something Boris would never dream of.”

The belief that napalming the counties to deal with a No Deal Brexit is not one Boris would choose is credible.

”We reckon Boris would order everyone to put on a blonde wig and shag,” the aide mused, “he won’t use a mixture of petrol and detergents. He only likes the smell of flirtations with fascism and racist dog whistles for personal advancement. Morning. Afternoon. And evening. Although it’s fair to speculate he’d also play Wagner while he was at it.”

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Boris Johnson’s notes for managing No Deal Brexit leaked to press

PM WIFFLE WAFFLE : BORIS JOHNSON’S campaign to be prime minister looks sturdier today than yesterday after his notes for dealing with a No Deal Brexit were leaked to the press overnight.

“Raab is furious,” an insider inside Johnson’s pants told LCD Views, “Boris has copied his workings. So too Sajid. All three have exactly the same plan for managing a No Deal Brexit. Although between you and me I think Raab believes in it more, but then, he’s not that bright.”

The plans, which are composed of blank sheets in a vintage notepad, are more detailed than many expected.

“He’s got as far as opening a notepad. It shows he’s thought about it. I expect he’ll begin writing things down and crossing them out sometime before the end of the summer.”

What Boris will write down, and cross out, is the focus of speculation.

“One, blame the Germans. I reckon he’ll write that down. Then two, blame the French. That’ll go down also. His target constituency in the Tory Party will bray for that.”

And the leaking of the notes is expected to cause some ‘blue on blue’ action as the other leadership contenders hit back over what they’ll claim is IP theft.

“Raab will threaten to sue Boris for plagiarism, live on air, in that TV debate Boris won’t take part in tonight. Then Sajid will threaten to sue Raab, while Rory looks on amused because he doesn’t need a plan, because he’s not threatening to do it.”

Why Boris has used an antique notepad and not a new one isn’t entirely clear, but some have speculated it’s actually his little black book and that’s the only page he hasn’t filled with the names of fruity young fillies yet.

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Tories to choose new leader based on who will upset the most foreigners

MANNERS MAKETH THE COUNTRY: Pick me! Pick me! The contest to replace Theresa May as Tory Party leader, and very possibly prime minister, is heating up, with a clear front and rear runner.

”Rory Stewart has no chance at all,” our leadership analyst muses (we’re not so sure), “he’s prepared to smoke opium just to keep foreigners happy. The Tory Party, being composed predominantly of well heeled, well salted gammon, will take a very dim view of that. What else will he do if prime minister? He might attempt to make friends. Can he be guaranteed to swan about the world, Trumpesque, laying the diplomatic equivalent of number two’s? Reminding everyone he encounters that the SUN NEVER SETS ON THE BRITISH EMPIRE!”

We can see why he’s the rear runner.

”Sajid Javid? He’s striving to show he can upset foreigners. In fact as Home Office minister he’s going to great strides to follow in Theresa May’s foul footsteps. But he’s got Buckley’s. Most of the Conservative membership probably think he is a foreigner and are puzzled why he’s in government.”

What about Dominic Raab?

”Who?”

Dominic Raab. He was Brexit Secretary until he realised he was Brexit Secretary.

”Oh. Well he’s a good middle of the pack runner. He knows how to upset the French. That was on display when he discovered Calais. But he’s not carrying enough tools for the job. He needs to go and get stuck into people further away. We need global reach.”

Michael Gove?

”No way! He’s done more to boost Latin American exports than anyone else in the contest. He’s supposed to be making Britain great again. We’re a global trading powerhouse who only exports, never imports. As such he can go away.”

What about the number two after this week’s ballot, Jeremy Hunt?

”Now he has some form. I’ll give you that. He can’t tell if his wife is Chinese or Japanese, for reasons no one knows except himself. He compared the EU to the Soviet Union. He thought Slovenia was a Soviet vassal state too. Clearly his Cold War knowledge is as sketchy as his Far East facial recognition system. That’s why he polled second highest.”

And the front runner, Boris Johnson?

”Surely this needs no explanation. In a contest revolving around xenophobia as a pre-condition, Mr Johnson is far away in the lead. If you can name a people on the face of the Earth he hasn’t insulted then we’ll let him know so he can get right on it.”