Working group say they have now perfected the out of common touch

Prime Minister for the time being, Theresa May, has gone one step further than her illustrious predecessor, Margaret Thatcher. Thatcher displayed her common touch on a number of occasions. Now May believes she has perfected the out of common touch, with the help of a crack committee.

A simple quote was all it took to demonstrate this confidence. Discussing books and pictures and security with an illiterate nation of insecure Philistines was a masterstroke.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? The relief of finally landing one’s own first des res after saving up for a few months. The joy at marrying an investment relationship manager. The naughtiness of chasing straw men through wheatfields.

May herself was too busy laying down platitudes for her elitist audience to speak to us, but we did manage to contact press officer Willie Toldwater to explain the situation.

“Theresa has been working very hard behind the scenes. Almost as hard as David Davis,” he said.

“Let me be very clear, the out of common touch is a gift granted to the few, not the many. Theresa has now mastered this art, with the help of a handpicked collective.”

We can think of a few of her colleagues who already possessed this gift before, like overgrown public schoolboy Boris Johnson. But Toldwater has more information.

“She has been searching for the magic bullet,” he disclosed. “She has been receiving private tuition from none other than occult specialist Jacob Rees-Mogg!”

Yes, the man who votes people into poverty while enriching himself, contrary to his proclaimed Christian beliefs. The man who dresses and speaks like a Victorian throwback. The man who gives his unfortunate progeny names like Sixtus.

“One considers it a privilege to work with the Prime Minister and her lackeys,” said Rees-Mogg. “My coaching has encouraged her to speak of her low birth among the ruling classes, to rally the natives. One hopes that, in time, she will feel confident enough to speak to this great nation of the impending joys of the workhouse, and the return of feudalism.”

That should give you food for thought the next time you send the butler to Harrods for a pint of milk and twenty Bensons.

Affordable housing to be built for the benefit of lower-earning billionaires

The housing shortage comes to the top of the agenda today. Affordable housing is in short supply, and ministers are anxious to be seen to be doing something. Anything.

The massive experiment of privatisation and deregulation has finally produced negative results that even its ardent supporters recognise. Private developers will build high value homes because it is more profitable to sell to rich people. Rich people then buy lots of these houses and sell them or rent them to other rich people. Everybody wins. Well, everyone who matters.

This leads to an inflation of house prices and rents. This means that most people are priced out of the market, so investors suffer. To address this problem, developers are going to be obliged to build lower priced homes, so that poorer billionaires will be able to afford them.

“It’s only reasonable,” said Raisa Drawbridge, mouthpiece of Sajid Javed. “For too long we have neglected the needs of the second tier of wealth producers. Housing should then trickle down to everyone who deserves it.”

‘Deserving’ meaning poor people in expensive yet inadequate houses?

“No, they are not deserving,” retorted Drawbridge. “They obviously don’t work hard enough, and need to suffer in order to be taught a lesson.”

It is clear that an Englishman’s Castle is his Home, as more and more budget moated mansions come on to the market.

Before long, even people who drive BMWs will be able to get a foot on the property ladder.

The problem is most acute in London. House prices here are sky-high, instead of merely exorbitant as in the rest of the country. An average three bed semi here will fetch seven figures, and a disused urinal next to a congested dual carriageway recently sold for £750,000.

“That’s fine,” says Drawbridge. “Londoners are paid more than the provincials out in the sticks. It helps slow the current rate of inward migration.”

And truly poor people? Government advice is, there is plenty of mud and straw around, build your own and stop whingeing.

Gove to back down on straw ban as government needs all the straws it can clutch at

LCD Views’ political environment analyst has received word today that Michael Gove MP is expected to back down on his famous straw ban shortly, as his government needs all the straws it can clutch at.

“It’s a deeply personally blow for Michael,” Rosie Searchlight says, “he’s so in love with polar bears and little robin redbreasts, he can’t stand the thought of not protecting their environment, unless it’s for a wholly justifiable reason like fracking the crap out of them for a quick buck.”

There has been suspicion that the single use straw ban policy was actually just a multi-use distraction by the government, which served the added purpose of bolstering Michael Gove’s solid reputation as a hippy.

“It’s amazing when you think of how some talents dedicate themselves to public service,” Rosie comments with a dead pan expression, “rather than just being a likely Murdoch stooge, greasing the wheels of government and creating malignancies in democracy. He could have been editor of a publication like ‘Ethics Trader’, or probably led a fortune 500 company to destruction.”

But the reversal of the straw ban will be welcomed by most MPs cross party as a welcome return to sanity by government.

“Look around the big hall at Westminster,” Rosie adds, “most MPs from the two big political parties are at full clutch 24/7.

The government, as it pretends Brexit won’t double down on all the human hating stuff they’ve done while in office to benefit offshore, tax avoiding capital and stuff the rest of us.

And the official opposition, who is not really doing bugger all out of some hazy notion that if they just stand by and let the whole country burn, they’ll be seen as our saviours when they pull the only survivor out of the inferno and set them to work on a collectivised farm.

They all need every straw they can draw from the sweaty hand of spin in place of democracy.

Multi-use would be preferable, and certainly kinder to badgers, but single use will do any given day, it’s the way we’ve been governed since Blair took us into the Iraq War and it’s served us well enough so far.”

Why change now?

Woman and man struggle to answer if “a” racism is the only reason left now for “the” Brexit

A woman and “the” boy were left struggling today to answer if “a” racism is now the only reason left for “the” Brexit?

Both individuals are currently surprisingly influential in shaping “a” future of “the” United Kingdom.

They’re certainly surprised.

”It’s great isn’t it!” “the” man told LCD Views,

“for years I shouted from the sidelines about injustice and progressive social values and then one day I found myself “the” boss.

It  was supposed to be “a” prank to keep some children of Tony Blair happy, or something. I never really got to the bottom of it, but I’m still laughing now.”

It seems both have been centre stage over the last nineteen months or so in the public discussion over what to do about “the” Brexit.

”It’s a bloody ride, I’ll tell you that for nothing,” “A” woman commented, “hair raising stuff. Mostly on the back of my neck, hitchhiker who turns out to be a serial killer kind of ride, but still, when I was just a girl learning to distrust people who looked different, I never dreamed one day I’d get to drive an entire national agenda on that basis.”

But it seems, even though both have reached giddier heights than anyone expected, they’re now struggling with how to go forward.

”I’ll keep supporting “the” woman in “a” parliament,” “the” man advised, “she can’t do anything without my help.

The fear of losing “the” youthquake makes me “a” bit jittery though, I may have to change “a” position or turn from hero to villain. Only “a” Lansman isn’t so keen on that. He wants “the” Lexit.”

So an endless pickle festival then?

”Yes. But focus on “the” woman would you please? Not on me. I’m trying to get “a” giant fencepost out of “the” backside.”

Okay.

”So what are you going to do now about “the” Brexit?” we asked “a” woman.

”Oh gosh. It’s very difficult. I admitted during “a” speech last Friday that it will make us poorer, it will lose us control, there’s not much left of “the” cake, I’m afraid. Even “the” official leader of “a” opposition can only vaguely promise to try make everyone a bit less poor, in the dreamscape of unicorns where he gets to do “the” negotiations.”

Well, what is left? There must be something? Still one reason?

”Yes,” they said as “a” chorus, “there is still “the” elephant in “the” Brexit room.”

Which is?

”The reason it all started to begin with. Can’t you see it? It’s staring you in the face?”

Liam Fox relaxed about US-China trade war because Liam Fox doesn’t understand how trade works

Fantastic Mr Fox has declared himself ‘relaxed’ about the possibility of a trans-Pacific trade war. This is widely believed to be because he has no comprehension of how international trade operates.

Fox was far too ‘relaxed’ to speak to us, so his associate Ed Lesschicken explained matters. “This is all happening outside Britain, isn’t it?” he demanded. “So the Boss couldn’t care less, right?”

We explained that, if Donald Trump levied a 25% tariff on steel imports, that China could well respond in kind, and prices could escalate worldwide.

“This is why we are doing Brexit,” said Lesschicken. “It’s a massive display of strength and confidence which will break down barriers across the globe. Global Britain means Global Britain! China and the USA will be begging us for our steel.”

But Margaret Thatcher closed down the UK’s steel industry decades ago.

“Yeah, that’s because they were run by trade unions,” responded Lesschicken. “Ideology has always been far more important than practical matters.”

Despite Lesschicken’s assertion, Fox has been jet-setting around the globe trying to secure trade deals, or at least schmoozing and boozing. Britain’s prospects are so bright, he has even been wooing shithole countries like China. He has accumulated at least 290,000 air miles in the process. His department’s motto is Fly Me To The Moon.

Countries Liam Fox hasn’t visited on trade missions (highlighted)

 

This page has previously exposed Liam Fox’s improbable attempts to do trade deals with the ultimate shithole country, Uranus.

Other sources revealed that Mr Fox was allegedly “very relaxed indeed this afternoon, by which we mean jetlagged of course, after flying somewhere foreign”. The same sources disclosed that Fox had turned down the chance of a three-course meal with the PM. Instead, he was self-medicating his ‘jetlag’ with prawn cocktail flavour crisps.

As a patriotic page, we ask, is all this necessary? After all, the UK could still make deals while remaining in the Customs Union, or indeed within the EU.

We can only assume that the real reason is to keep Liam Fox out of the way as much as possible.

Twitterer in chief diagnosed with brain spurs

Fresh concerns over the neurological wellbeing of Earth’s commander in thief today with the news that President Donald Trump has been diagnosed with brain spurs.

“The News is the result of a leak from the White House itself,” LCD Views’ only American correspondent reveals,

“shortly after 6am this morning I was handed a brown envelope by a man in a trench coat whose throat seemed to go down as far as the Marinara Trench.”

Our award winning correspondent (we give the awards to ourselves, we’re like the wine industry) says that in the mystery bag were several cheeseburger wrappers in a used condition. But also an x-ray of Donald Trump’s head and a short diagnosis.

”The diagnosis is not expected to impair the functioning of Trump while in office,” our man continues,

“as the chief symptoms are serial sexpest behaviour, boasting about said behaviour on tape, and still getting elected to office because apparently the world’s primary democracy doesn’t care about that enough.”

Other symptoms include a willingness to allegedly launder Russian mafia money through apparently legitimate casinos, which are closed under the pretence of bankruptcy once their purpose is fulfilled, and ‘telling it how he sees it’.

”That is potentially one of the more serious affects of brain spurs,” our correspondent notes,

“as it usually means validating the regressive attitudes of people who think being respectful and polite to others (PC) means they are less manly now.

Surprisingly cultural progression is not a threat, unless you’re inherently insecure and are willing to be taken for a ride by the same small percent of people who have purposefully impoverished your communities for personal gain.”

What other symptoms are anticipated?

”Starting a trade war with China,” he adds, “sure sign the spurs have fully replaced the temporal lobes with calcium and cartilige now.”

So a short term boost and then a death knell for the US steel industry?

”Possibly. Let’s do the 1930’s again. At least we can take comfort that President Trump won’t have to fight in any trade war, thanks to the diagnosis of brain spurs.”

In old days spurs were placed on roosters and then they would fight for money, but no one thinks President Trump is well enough endowed to get into a cock fight.

New commemorative 10p coins to devalue by 1p every time Theresa May speaks to Europe

By now everyone in the United Kingdom has read in The Sun about the release of new commemorative 10p coins tomorrow, Monday the 3rd of March.

The 260 million coins, one for every EU27 highly skilled worker expected to apply for permanent right to remain in England, have been hand painted blue to reflect Britain’s renewed sense of local pride, for local people.

”It’s also a great example of the immediate future of digital currencies too,” our financial analyst notes, “as each coin contains a digital microchip which tracks the value of Sterling against the Euro.”

This means that each time Theresa May speaks publicly on Brexit the coins devalue by 1p.

”It’s groundbreaking technology and wouldn’t have been possible without Liam Fox arranging a bespoke FTA with Germany (the chips are made in Frankfurt) in advance of Brexit.

We’ll be agreeing similar trade deals with each EU27 country over the next twelve months to ensure seamless continuity as we secretly diverge, with ministers of the crown giving backhanders to Saudi princes and oligarchs from China and Russia.”

To help people better understand the symbolism on the new coins we’ve produced a random guide of some of the designs, to train the eye for the rest.

There are 24 new designs, one for each letter of the betabet.

“We start with A for anarchy,” our analyst says, “this evokes the sense of what’s coming down the line for the U.K.”

C is for cricket, as hardly anyone in the world, who wasn’t ruled by Queen Victoria, knows what we’re playing at now.

”F is for fish n chips, to celebrate the contribution of immigration to British culture. That’s the most controversial design.

Most Tory ministers were dead set against it, but finally gave way on recognition that the prime minister, Rupert Murdoch, is from the colonies.”

E is for God, because he’s an Englishman.

“B is for Biffer, because in its guts, that’s Brexit, and the leaders of both main political parties, Tory and Labour, have united behind biffers.”

X is for xenophobia, this celebrates famous puppet minister May’s guiding principle for public policies.

“R is for rebel, without a clue, as that’s the government.”

O is for opium, that was said to be Boris Johnson’s personal secretion, we mean selection, to fire a shot across the bows of China’s ship of trade.

“G was going to be for the GFA. It’s worth celebrating and nurturing the peace after thousands of deaths.

That’s been changed to greed, to better capture the inspiration for the idiots who could care less about the GFA.”

V is for velocity, so we all know what speed we’re aiming for as we respect the will of the people.

The rest of the designs you can easily work out, as you unite behind collecting an example of each coin.

”Just don’t get the coins wet,” our financial man advises, “it’ll fry the chip inside and could cause localised electrocutions.”

LCD Views encourages our readers to ignore that advice as the future for the United Kingdom is only sunny and dry now. Money was made to go round and velocity is terminal.

Out soon: Theresa May’s guide to winning at poker despite having rubbish cards

Prime Minister Theresa May is due to publish her gamblers’ guide any day now. She explains how to bluff your way to victory despite holding the two of diamonds and the seven of clubs.

This comes on the back of another great Brexit speech, in which she sets out her vision for Brexit as only a blind woman can.

LCD’’s Dubious Gambling Strategies correspondent took a cursory look through the book.

“It’s quite an unusual book, in many respects,” he said, in mystified tones. “For example, Chapter One, Call My Bluff, commences with a paragraph on basic bluffing. There follows a number of blank pages, presumably for David Davis to doodle on. It concludes with the words, ‘Repeat as necessary’.”

The book continues in similar vein, with an alarming lack of detail, and a determination to reinvent the rules of poker along the way. Of particular interest is the appendix, titled “Emergency Procedures”. This has red, white and blue-edged pages for ease of reference, and each page contains one of Theresa’s catchphrases.

Poker expert Tex Oldham was equally scathing. “Poker is a game of thrust and counter-thrust,” he stated. “Yes, there is an element of bluff, but a good player knows when he has had his chips and folds early on.”

Poker-faced May is playing for ever-increasing stakes. £1bn for the DUP? Done. The NHS? No problem. More crayons for David Davis? You bet. Has the Lady gone Gaga?

“She’s a busted flush,” opines Tex. “May is the gambler waiting in vain for that one big win to clear her debts. Who does she think she is, the queen of hearts? Off with her head!”

May is certainly determined to play her cards close to her chest. Does she have an ace up her sleeve? Or is it just a joker? Boris, the BoJoker, maybe?

Stick or twist? Like the knife in her back, it’s twist every time.

Michael Gove says, “If you’re backed up with facts then you need Brexlax”

“One dose of Brexlax will allow you to take back control of your bowels and your borders,” Michael Gove claimed, as he fronted the ad campaign for Brelax Brexit laxatives, but now a shitstorm is brewing.

“It appears there was virtually no testing in either clinical trials or on monkeys,” LCD Views’ bathroom attendant said, “they just cooked up the recipe in Michael’s kitchen and made millions of batches. These were distributed by bus, and free with tabloids, all over the United Kingdom.”

But now it appears the government has had to step in and order an immediate recall of the claims accompanying Brexlax.

“People are reporting atrocious side affects,” our bathroom attendant continued, “one of my colleagues at Conservative central office said most ministers visiting spend the entire time in the WC groaning and more often than not praying for deliverance.”

It’s not known exactly what in the recipe is causing the liquid calamity in people using Brexlax, but it’s likely to be all the bullshit that went into the tablets.

“They’re about 99% bullshit actually,” our attendant added, “the other 1% is just pure racist spite. I wouldn’t take a Brexlax even if I were in danger of dying the death of Elvis.”

We did approach Michael Gove for comment on the viral furore, and he issued the following statement,

“This is proof of Brexlax’s effectiveness,” Mr Gove responded, “people are supposed to spend time on the toilet after taking my pills. It’s the signature touch of my involvement.”

But what should you do if you have some Brexlax in the home, or if a family member has some and is considering ingesting it?

“Burn them,” our toilet attendant said, “whatever you do do not let a reader of The Express take one. They’ve got it bad enough verbally as it is.”

LCD Views applauds the swift measures taken by Michael Gove to reassure the public over Brexlax.

We further advise that this laxative product is entirely unnecessary, because if you’re not already shitting yourself over Brexit, you soon will be.

“Just take one Brexlax a day and relax,” added Michael Gove, but he would, wouldn’t he.

Fudge-it spinners chosen as official toy for Brexit

LCD Views’ political games correspondent is thrilled to have been selected to announce Fudge-it Spinners have been chosen as official toy for Brexit.

“When David Davis cornered me in the Fudge ‘n Fiddle pub this morning I was initially concerned.

I could barely breathe in the mixture of whiskey fumes, testosterone and bs wafting off him in clouds,” Green Searchlight said,

“but once I realised that if I just didn’t breathe I could survive, things improved and I interpreted what he was saying.”

Apparently the decision to gift the announcement to LCD Views was made last minute, but that is standard for government policy in first the May administration, and now the Cummings’ government, and does not detract from the honour.

”Schools across Britain will be forced to distribute the fudge-it spinners to all children and lessons will be given in the main tricks. Diversion. Evasion. Outright lying. Retracting outright lies on twitter.

And finally, managing expectations of a country you intend to impoverish, partly to make Russian oligarch money laundering easier, partly for the imperial ambitions of US libertarians, but also to keep racists feeling less challenged by the way the world is changing with Brexit.”

Green managed to get the few legible words Davis said down in print and they are reproduced here, paraphrased, so as to be understandable.

”It’s to get the younger demographics signed up to Brexit. The fudge-it spinners are another tangible benefit and more than make up for a future devoid of freedom to move around an entire continent at all.

Also, they are more than sufficient to soothe any hurt feelings over not being able to take advantage of the various youth programmes the EU wastes money on in the hope of fostering a sense of ‘let’s not have another world war start in Europe’.”

Mr Davis had to go after he delivered the message. Apparently to steal a snowplow  and drive it into the pumps of a petrol station in Stevenage.

We asked six year old Emma Barnet what she thought of getting a free fudge-it spinner from the government.

”That seals it,” Emma said, “at the next general election I’m voting Conservative. Unless Labour respond with the offer of a slightly less crap Brexit, that still ensures my future options are pants.”