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Man advised to hide as much as possible due to poor impulse control

HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND PANIC INSTEAD : The UK’s next Prime Minister, if he can keep his mouth shut, Boris Johnson, has been advised by primate specialists from London Zoo to hide as much as possible during the leadership contest.

“It’s because of his poor impulse control,” Professor Whawhahaaa! told LCD Views in an exclusive interview, “he’s little more restraint than an adolescent male chimpanzee. So we’re talking almost zero.”

But how did you get the message through to Mr Johnson?

“We first got his attention with some straight bananas. Traditional British grown ones, you know, the bendy kind? A bunch of them wouldn’t have caught his eye. But a line of straight ones and he was right over there.”

Clever. What next?

“Then we rigged up a mannequin in a blonde wig and put it on a little set of tracks. As he approached it we used a remote control device to wheel it into a cave.”

He must have thought he was in then!

“He did. He lumbered straight into the cave. But when he got inside we’d already removed the blonde via a hidden door. At first he seemed to think she was playing hard to get, then he became angry and started throwing his scat at the walls and displaying his chest.”

And after that?

“We tranquillised him. We placed him in a chair and weighed him down with copies of The Telegraph. When he regained consciousness we advised him to just stay there. Do not move. Do not go out into public. Do not commit anymore adultery. Do not speak. Just basically stay out of sight until Tuesday night.”

But won’t he just explode with pent up emotions?

“Quite probably. But it will only result in another Telegraph column and anyone who reads that has ditched all notion of critical evaluation of Mr Johnson. So no harm will be done to his reputation.”

But other people already have a poor opinion that may well get worse.

“That doesn’t matter. They don’t get to vote on who is to be the UK’s next prime minister.

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Matt Hancock pulls out after failing to come second

It’s a hard life, and sometimes you know when you are in too deep. Matt Hancock has recognised that Boris is the alpha male in the competition to f*ck the UK. He has retreated to get on with the job in hand.

“I wasn’t getting the satisfaction I wanted,” said Hancock, zipping up. “So I withdrew, went to my office and got on with what I do best.”

Which is?

“I’m Health Secretary, which means I have to look after myself,” he replied, wiping his hands. “Also, and this is completely unconnected, there’s this listeria outbreak to investigate.”

Which listeria outbreak?

“There have been deaths from contaminated hospital food,” replied Hancock, slamming down the lid of his laptop. “Hand on cock, I mean hand on heart, I have no idea how contamination could have entered either the pig’s head sandwiches or the cut-price bargain mayonnaise.”

In order to unravel these mysteries, LCD Views’ Private Passions correspondent spoke to Hancock’s long standing friend, Ivanka Lott.

“Matt’s always been a very private person,” says Ivanka. “He’s always been a solo operator. If you want a job doing, he always says, do it yourself. Mrs Hancock allegedly wants children, but is destined to be disappointed.”

There is no way he would ever be able to compete with Boris, Ivanka remarks. “Boris spaffs money up the wall,” she observes. “Matt spaffs money in private and conceals the evidence. The People like a man who proudly presents his personal peccadillos to the public. Matt is neat and tidy. Boris makes a lot of noise and a lot of mess, and expects someone else to clear up after him. The People just lap it up!”

Hancock entered with confidence, but his campaign soon went limp. We can only surmise how he consoled himself.

Fifteen minutes of fame? Let’s be generous and call it Hancock’s Half Hour.

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Michael Gove pressured to explain where he’s been all week

MIA : Tory leadership contender and all round pond life heavyweight, Michael Gove, is facing pressure to explain where he’s been all week.

”He definitely hasn’t been in hiding waiting for the class A scandal to blow over. He’s must have been spending time working on himself,” a source claiming to speak from beyond the grave, I mean, inside Michael Gove’s campaign, told LCD Views.

“He went on a seriously damaging bender after Dominic Raab (so the rumour mill says anyway) spooked him into confessing to having used cocaine. I mean to be stitched up by Boris would be one thing, but to be outmanoeuvred by head timber Raab? That’s some damage to the self esteem. There’s a lot of crying into the mirror at 4am, while completely off your tits, to recover from that.”

How much damage isn’t clear, although a reported shortage of white powder in London during the week would suggest a lot.

”He’s not yet ready to take the twelve steps. But he is determined to be a better Gove. Quite what that is is anyone’s guess.”

It’s likely we will find out soon though with the Tory leadership debates scheduled to start Sunday evening.

”Television cameras are being set up inside a South London crack den for the event in the hope of making all the competitors feel right at home. Like they’re on a dirty night out that ought to end with a bit of rough and track marks.”

Somewhere like the Priory would surely have been more suitable?

Although it may give one or two of the individuals pegged down for the debate too much of a home field advantage.

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Stop calling me Jeremy C***, says Jeremy Lady-Garden

It’s All Greek To Me Secretary, Jeremy C. Hunt, has made a plea for broadcasters to stop making fun of his name. Consequently, all news outlets globally have instead pinky promised to call him Jeremy Lady-Garden.

“I think it’s most disrespectful,” said Lady-Garden. “C*** is such a horrible word. Lady-Garden is much more pleasant. It evokes feminine grace and beauty, lush vegetation and a sweet aroma.”

It’s so much better than the original Hunt, too. “Yes, who wants loads of men with horns rummaging around where they please?” asked Lady-Garden. “It’s damaging to the vegetation, and a violation of open countryside.”

Jeremy’s embracing of his feminine side is a massive step away from the traditional parliamentary willy-waving. LCD Views’ resident Below The Belt correspondent, Jenny Taylia, offered her psychological insights.

“I think Jeremy has taken his distant second place in the leadership contest to heart,” remarks Taylia. “The knock his confidence must have taken is enormous. Imagine coming second to a muppet like Johnson, and finishing only narrowly ahead of a coked-up slimeball.”

Is this why he has gone all snowflakey about being called a c***?

“Partly,” admitted Taylia. “It’s also a conscious move to soften his image, and to gain female support. It is his attempt to appear deep, warm and accommodating.”

In some respects, then, Lady-Garden is still thinking like a man.

“While we are talking downstairs body parts, one of his rivals told me that Jeremy wasn’t a c***, but an ars*h*le,” Taylia revealed. “They are next door, after all, like China and Japan. It’s an easy mistake for a misguided prick to make.”

So how do you see the change affecting his chances of winning the next ballot?

“It won’t make the slightest difference,” said Taylia. “You can call him Jeremy Lady-Garden by all means, but he’s still a c***.”

It seems that Jeremy has made a boob, and now he looks like a complete tit.

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“I’m not a racist, but” Boris Johnson expected to give major speech on immigration

A FLASH WAR OF WORDS: Tory leadership frontrunner Boris Johnson MP is expected to give a major speech on immigration, in the coming weeks, to counter the accusation that he’s just a little bit racist, sometimes.

“I’m not a racist, but I love language that brings the plaster down from the ceiling” is the anticipated opening line in what is anticipated to be a barnstorming speech of Churchillian proportions, if Churchill was an irresponsible, serial adulterer with an exceptionally loose relationship to that hot blonde known as the truth.

“Truth and me, we’re friends with benefits,” Boris is also expected to say, “I shag her senseless and get out of dodge while she sleeps! Waa haa!”

Other lines in the speech are rumoured to be taken from Mr Johnson’s catalogue of classic race focused material.

Such memorable words like when he dallied with Islamophobia, and the encouragement of it, by calling women in burqas “letterboxes” and “bank robbers”. A classic right wing riff that’s really playing to the gammon in the gallery.

And no one can forget his amazing Telegraph column in 2002 in which he wrote :

“regular cheering crowds of flag-waving piccaninnies” and “the tribal warriors… [who] all break out in watermelon smiles”.

But he’s not without the human touch for his fellow men and women, no matter what border there is to cross.

Don’t ever forget his deeply moving words about the victims of the Libyan civil war when he said :

“The only thing they’ve got to do is clear the dead bodies away and then we’ll be there,” he declared, believing once all those irritating corpses were cleared away the location could be the “next Dubai”.

Perhaps he would have been a little more circumspect and brushed with humanity if those dead bodies were in a country a little more white? We can’t know.

Then there’s the casual dismissal of the risk of violence in Northern Ireland. The old colony ought to no its place. What value does anyone who is prepared to risk death and disorder there via No Deal place on the lives of the Irish?

In fact he’s got so much material to draw on to prove he’s not a racist, but, we’re going to share an article below that lists the lot.

https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/uk/2019/06/boris-johnson-s-racist-insults-dog-whistles-and-slurs

Boris means Boris. Boris backs Brexit. Brexit is a project championed by Nigel Farage, a man happy to mimic 1930’s fascist propaganda on a poster during the Brexit referendum campaign.

Is Boris a racist? Or is he just a deeply irresponsible demagogue happy to use the language? Does it matter if there’s a difference if he encourages racism with his words and deeds? It’s not going to make any difference to the people voting for the next prime minister. And that’s a situation that puts a massive but after the values traditionally espoused by the United Kingdom.

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Outgoing Tory chancellor writes economic joke about Tory party

DEAD AND BURIED REPUTATIONS: Outgoing Tory chancellor, Philip ‘the undertaker’ Hammond, has written a smash gag today and published it on Twitter.

“It’s a joke about the economy stupid,” our economics analyst said, just in case we didn’t get it in the office, “he’s playing it dead pan. So dead pan you’d think he was dead, and not just responsible for the economic undertaking of the country.”

The premise of the joke appears to centre around the historical reputation of the Conservative Party for sound fiscal management. A reputation these days that is now hysterical.

“It’s pretty funny. You can’t say that about the Tories with a straight face anymore, it’s why he published it on Twitter. Hopefully he can get his facial expressions under control before he starts using it on the stand up circuit politicians traditionally take to once they leave office.”

It’s hoped ‘the undertaker’ has some other lines up his sleeve.

“He could talk about FDI and productivity in the face of lack of investment in infrastructure. Why not about the national debt? That’s a riot. Also austerity and how wonderfully funny it is that the country’s richest 1% have increased their wealth so much over the last decade while at the same time there’s a booming food bank sector and homelessness. Then there’s the rental market? That’s another cracking area he can mine for jokes about aspiration and Tory government. He really has a feature length stand up routine on his hands.”

But of course the biggest laughs will be when he twins the Tory’s reputation for conservative economic management with their religious zealotry to deliver Brexit.

“There’s no money left,” our analyst says, “that’ll be the biggest laugh if they ever deliver the joke that is Brexit. That’ll be the punchline right there. We’re close enough already. Billions are being spunked on Brexit. A project the government’s own forecasts show will make the country poorer in all scenarios. That’s a joke in itself.”

The Conservative Party’s self professed reputation for sound economic stewardship, it’s now a laugh a minute, unless you’re poor of course and trying to live within its means.

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Survival of the thickest thinned down to seven as three packets of mince drop out

The survival of the thickest competition, otherwise known as the Tory leadership contest, has claimed its first victims. Thick as mince, but clearly not thick enough, three candidates have passed their sell-by date.

The first of the three is minced turkey voting for Christmas, Esther McVey. If Theresa May was the embodiment of the hostile environment, then McVey was its pretty face. Her latest attempt at being truly thick came when she failed to learn the backstory for an airheaded tale about an airport built using the aid budget. Where was it? A continent somewhere… abroad… somewhere foreign, anyway, why let facts cloud a good bit of charity bashing?

Then there is mutton dressed as lamb mince, Andrea Leadsom. Leadsom is like a pale caricature of May, but without the charisma. Not even the fact that she had dropped sprogs could preserve her from the lamb chop this time.

Finally, sucking it up, extra strong mince, Mark Harper. Out of place on the meat shelves, like Mother Superior at a wife-swapping party, Harper is so anonymous his own family doesn’t know who he is. He is clearly the most acceptable of the ten, so therefore not nearly thick enough to continue. An immediate sweet return to the backbench confectionery aisle.

But who will be the shortest of the two short planks? Who will be the thickest of the thieves? Separating the sheep from the goats is LCD Views’ Thy Kingdom Come correspondent, Wilby Dunn.

“Clearly, they are all sheep,” said Dunn, literally. “The sheep are on the right, and inherit the kingdom of Brexit. The goats are on the left, and are ignored for ever and ever, amen.”

Dunn paused on this metaphor, wondering who the shepherd of all these brainless sheep could be. “A Jesus figure? A flawless, benevolent lord? You must be kidding!” laughed Dunn. “We are looking at an antichrist, a puppet-master pulling Pinocchio’s strings behind the curtain. Not Farage, not Trump, not even Murdoch. So I cast my mind to the mysterious East, to Moscow maybe, and to… ouch… I don’t feel too good… eurggghhhh…”

And he dropped down dead from Novichok poisoning.

The plot thickens.

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Jeremy Kyle to chair Tory leadership debate

As the race to find our next hapless Prime Minister completes its first lap, more details have emerged about the televised debate that will take place between the final two candidates.

The BBC have announced who will chair the debate, and in a break from tradition, the job will go to Jeremy Kyle.

“We wanted someone who was used to holding his own amongst such a high level of backstabbing, lies and manipulation,” producer Dee Bates explained. “None of our usual presenters have quite the right training in that, but Jeremy just seemed perfect.”

It comes at just the right time for Kyle, whose long-running ITV show was recently axed. When asked for comment, he replied:

“It’s a challenge and no mistake. I know I’m used to dealing with family feuds and paternity suits and all that backstabbing, but the majority of today’s tory politicians are a whole different level of human scum.”

He subsequently confessed to calling Jerry Springer for additional advice on the matter, although what his American counterpart said to him he is keeping firmly under his hat for the time being.

“I’ll tell you that after the debate,” he added, with a grin.

To provide additional commentary, the BBC have also enlisted the help of David Attenborough, whose experience of observing wild animals is second to none.

“David is just the man we need for this,” Dee Bates added. “He can interpret the behaviour of wild animals, so he should be able to make some sense of the leadership candidates.”

The combination of Jeremy Kyle and David Attenborough must rank as one of the most unlikely television pairings of all time, indeed this reporter can’t think of anything to beat it.

The debate will take place on june 16th.

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Boris Johnson to build a wall and Brussels is going to pay for it

BORIS THE BUILDER : Great news today with the promise by everyone’s favourite cartoon politician, Boris Johnson, that he is going to build a wall in the English Channel, and better yet…

“Brussels is going to pay for it!” Boris told a packed press hall of Tory media sycophants and sweaty, middle aged male MPs.

“How Brussels will pay for it, you may ask?” Boris continued, “it will be as easy as um, as easy as ah, picking up a blonde bit on the side and hiding her from your wife! Ha!”

Additional to the infidelity will be the £39bn owing to Brussels under the terms of the Withdrawal Agreement, negotiated by outgoing Prime Minister Theresa May, and her team. You know, that little bit about meeting our agreed international obligations? Yeah, we don’t do that now.

“I will bang on and bang on about the £39bn because I expect common, hard working, tabloid reading English folk to see a large number and go waaaaaaaa!” Boris illuminated, “much like the false £350m claim on my bus! It’s a big number isn’t it? You plebs! Waaaahaaaa!”

Just don’t ever put it in the context of national budgets. And defiantly don’t mention what you get back for it.

As to when the building of the wall in the English Channel will begin? Boris was ready for that.

“The moment after I become Prime Minister I will be off to Brussels to tell Junker to go whistle!” Boris continued, “well, that will be after I visit Rupert Murdoch in his dark tower in New York to get the traditional blessing for a new premiership. Actually, that will be second after I go and see Arlene Foster and promise to pay her whatever she needs to continue the hilariously named confidence and supply agreement. As easy as one, two, three!”

Materials needed for the wall are already to hand, as England is just heaving with untapped mines of lego blocks.

“It’ll be done in a jiffy! Just like all my building plans!”

People will get their pockets filled with public money and the outcome isn’t important because filling private pockets with public money is the only modern Conservative policy!

“No island is a man, but with a wall all around it the UK can be Donald Trump’s personal island colony! Paaaaazaaaaaa!”

If Boris builds it, no one will come, which is just the way his Brexit backing supporters seem to want it…

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“Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the most hypocritical one of all?” – Esther McVey starts her day

GO ON, HAVE A BITE : Evil Queen of Cheshire, Esther McVey MP, has hit out hard today at the foreign aid budget, wasted all around the world feeding, schooling, medicating people and suggested the money could be much better spent at home.

“On me,” a source inside McVey’s campaign to be PM told LCD Views, “well, on Esther of course. On making her look good. Have you seen the horror show that faces her in the mirror each day? She asks it who is the fairest and it’s always someone else.”

The redirection of the foreign aid budget to making Esther appear wholesome, and just a little bit saucy, is thought to be a much better spend then stopping some child in a distant land starving.

“She’s prime meat for the gammon market,” the source continued, “sweaty, red faced middle aged men, they love a bit of bigotry sauced up with a flash of leg.”

Other uses for the foreign aid budget under McVey’s reign are also sketched out.

“Snow White is dead. That’s a first order. The massive, gigantic, monumental 0.7% of the UK budget spent making sure some child doesn’t die of dysentery would be much better spent sending palace guards out to find Snow White and drag her back to Esther’s castle.”

Red apples will also require funding. So too the closing down of a mine.

“Only little blue collar people work in it. Esther can’t actually see little people. They would be better spent carrying her litter about the land?”

And of course, the Evil Queen would require a full time personal, professional photographer and not the ad hoc one that she’s spent thousands of taxpayer’s money on in the last few years.

“You’ve got to look good in this game, or people won’t take you seriously. Just look at Mark Francois.”

In a modern political age where integrity is a fairy tale, McVey is a fairytale queen.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the most hypocritical one of all?” Would be a better question for McVey to ask each day.