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Penny drops in Peterborough as Farage spends a penny and pisses off early

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE TSAR : There was the sound of a penny dropping in Peterborough late last night as the results of the by election saw red hot favourite Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party Co. just pipped at the electoral post.

Farrago left early. No barnstorming speech about how the people have risen to defend democracy by voting for a company and not a political party…he snuck out early. Bad sport. Left his candidate to face humiliation alone. The hot favourite going down in the final furlong. His trainer literally only stopping in Peterborough to have a piss before buggering off.

“Bit of fun that it was the UKIP vote that largely stopped Fartage gaining an MP for his Brexit Party,” our electoral analyst analysed, “while we’re on that puddle of warm piss, Farage really is an excellent troll of his own supporters.”

How so?

“He heads up a company that isn’t a political party, to promote the political agenda Brexit, and calls it the Brexit Party, which its supporters just accept as a party, and all that implies in terms of their influence (which is nil) without questioning why it’s a company, and some people even vote for it, without it having a manifesto? So it’s not a party at all, in any recognisable sense. Just a piss taking exercise of the electorate.”

The Labour hold was good news for the dyke against fascism being furiously constructed, within a country which didn’t realise it needed one.

Even if it’s being done with little help from Labour leadership, who are still backing the fascist agenda of Brexit, delivering on the will of the democratically defrauded people, in the bizarre belief that it will lead to a more equal society. One in which everyone is equally poor?

What we can learn from it is that we’re still in a giant muddle. Ankle deep in that warm urinal puddle. Although it’s a smaller mess than it appeared, as support for Brexit in a constituency heavily leave has drained away to a noticeable degree.

Imagine if one of the main parties stopped saying that Brexit was feasible?

The Tories are dead however you look at it, unless the sands shift in an unexpected way. So let’s not bother with them.

But Labour can still climb out of the trough. Their support is steadily leaving and it’s going remain. Enough to stop them winning a general election.

When will that particular penny drop? Peterborough temporarily brought Farage to a stop. A Labour party not content to watch its support drain away could make the stop a full one.

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UN recognises USA as world’s largest Idiocracy

HEADFUL OF DRUMPFS : The United Nations hit the news last September when it formally recognised the UK as the world’s first Idiocracy, and it’s back humming on the news wires today with the follow up announcement that the United States of America is now the world’s largest Idiocracy.

“It’s all thanks to President Donald Trump and the woefully sluggish and inadequate response of the American political system to the rise of the Drumpfster Fire in Chief,” UN specialist rapporteur for idiots, Professor Lord Givemestrength, told LCD Views today (it’s an exclusive), “no one is taking away the United Kingdom’s prize of being first, but it’s a minor player after Donald Trump’s press conference in Ireland.”

The recognition of the USA as being run by idiots shouldn’t be celebrated too hard however, regardless of the extreme lengths taken to achieve the gong.

“They’re exceptionally dangerous idiots, the people in the White House currently. The decision to cut funding to education, medical and recreation facilities for all the kids they’ve locked in cages underlines this in a way we can only hope history will damn with a massive shake of the head. It’s hard not to get away from the suspicion this is being done to cut off those lost kids from outside eyes. What will happen after that? It’s easy to feel a giant shiver running up your spine and just sitting there as a chill.”

Some however have criticised the decision, suggesting that North Korea, and other rogue states, would be more suited to the accolade, just through the sheer length of time they’ve been governed by maniacs.

“They’re so far playing Trump like a fiddle, so they don’t enter the running,” Professor Lord explained, “just imagine electing a guy who boasted about sexual assault, mocked disabilities and is kinda partial to white supremacists as your head of state? And then just let him tour the world actually talking for years afterwards? That’s a world class display of idiocy that only the UK is able to hold a candle to at present.”

There was a warning for the UK though.

“If you actually stop Brexit you’ll almost certainly lose your official title, you’ll always be remembered as the first, but you’ll go back to being a boring country working in partnership by and large with your neighbours and allies, which will be no bad thing.”

And if we don’t? And we Brexit and attempt a trade deal with the USA?

“Then you’ll be the worst dumbest idiocracy. I’d think long and hard about the path your leaders are taking you down if I were you.”

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Gove risks spending rest of his life in prison after demanding he’s judged on his record

ALL THAT SLITHERS : Tory favourite to replace Theresa May as Brexidiot in chief, Michael Gove, has taken a bold risk today by demanding he’s judged on his record in government.

”He did what?” our Court of Public Opinion correspondent asked, “he’s nuts. He actually said that? Himself? I mean that’s insane. Has he seen his record in government? Someone should show it to him. He’ll spend the rest of his days in prison if he’s judged on it. What a lunatic.”

The bold play is believed to be part of Michael Gove’s enduring love of saying something clearly insane in the expectation that if you say it with enough confidence no one will question you.

”It’s questionable if the people have had enough of experts, as an overwhelming majority did not vote for Farage the other week,” our correspondent muses, “but the people have definitely had enough of men like Michael Gove. Experts at all the worst instincts.”

How Gove expects to survive to the finish of the Tory leadership contest with this play is not entirely clear.

”Even his own colleagues will send him down for life on this basis. He’s stabbed so many in the back. And the front. And the side. I guess when you’re entirely conscience free it’s easier to move on and pretend you’ve left a trail of roses in our wake? And not the corpse of sensible governance.”

Whatever his colleagues in the Tory Party make of his request, the court of public opinion has already delivered its sentence. A justifiably harsh one, pending appeal, to make it even harder.

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Raab goes rogue

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE – Tory leadership contender Dominic Raab is reported to be in crisis talks this morning with his personal stylist after being presented with two different outfits to choose from as he bids to be the UK’s next absolute monarch, or religious extremist.

“Does he want to be Charles 1st or Guy Fawkes? Both have their appeal,” a fly on the wall told us, “does he want to shut parliament down because it’s getting in the way of his divine right to rule, or just blow the whole show to smithereens?”

The fly, first attracted to the Raab household by the overwhelming smell of horseshit, says that it’s a cascade of problems.

“The outfit choice is just the tip of a difficult iceberg,” it buzzes, “how to solve the wardrobe crisis? Do you flip a coin? Do you consult the knucklebones? Do you just take your shirt off and flex in front of a mirror shouting ‘hoograaaaaah’? These are the moments that reveal what sort of a leader of men a man is.”

While both styles have their advantages, it’s thought by outsiders that a mash up of the two maybe most appropriate.

“Stylistically they’re not too far apart anyway, being both of the first half of the 17th century. Why not just wear Fawke’s hat and Charles’ tights? Then he can both blow up parliament and shut it down. Two birds with one stone.”

LCD Views would like to wish Mr Raab the best of luck with his decision making process, as we appreciate it’s slow and laborious.

Take back control, of parliament, and then mothball it, or torch it, it’s good to know the real meaning behind the Brexit slogan at last. Democracy? Not if we can help it.

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Government reveals men who negotiated with EU will take on US in trade deal

THREE STOOGES ALRIGHT : Leaked documents from Downing Street today reveals the three men who masterfully negotiated with the EU are all set to take on the US in any future trade deal negotiations.

”Negotiating the Brexit deal has battle hardened them,” a trade expert employed by the government comments, “Davis already had a reputation for knowing when to cut and run and his time wrangling with Barnier was a tour de force in getting out of dodge. He’ll go in first to soften the yanks up.”

Once Davis has thrown up his hands, certain to be bloodied, and gone back to propping up a bar, then Raab will go in next, whether or not he’s prime minister at the time.”

“Dominic Raab is hard as nails. Especially in the forehead. We call him the ram behind closed doors. He can but his head against anything and walk away, dazed, but completely none the wiser. We expect he’ll really confuse the over confident Americans. Once he’s dealt some body blows it’ll be time to send in number three for the coup de grace.”

And this is where Stephen Barclay comes in. A man described as both “just happy to be there” and also as “virtually invisible.”

“Once Barclay strolls in whistling a happy tune the Americans will know it’s all over. The NHS, our pharma industry and financial services, tagged and bagged and ready for delivery. The yanks have seen how we handled the EU, they know what’s coming for them. Global Britain Empire 2.0, that’s who.”

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Trump to start travelling with giant lego to prove he can build a wall anywhere

ONCE UPON A TIME : American President Donald Trump used a press conference in Ireland today to announce he is to start travelling with giant lego bricks to prove he can build a wall anywhere.

Initially the press conference got off to a shaky start when Trump, surprisingly appearing to be ill informed and just talking out of his ass, gave the impression he believed Ireland to be a state in America.

”Perhaps you could tell us about walls?” his host gently steered Trump towards a specialist subject, away from simple geography, and things improved.

”I love walls,” the President immediately enthused, “did you know that some even hold up roofs? Not many people know that. Others can be used to stop undesirables coming to steal your horses. I hear you want a wall here in Ireland. I’ve some lego bricks with me, let me show you how to build it. I can build a wall anywhere. I really know how to create distance between me and whoever I’m visiting.”

There was a slight delay at that point as aides to the president rushed to retrieve his giant lego blocks from one of the cars in his entourage. But soon enough the big kid was building, or at least attempting to.

”Perhaps if you place the side with the cavities on top of the sides with the round bumps?” his host assisted again, “you’ll see they fit together.”

Trump didn’t seem to like that too much.

”I’m the builder here,” he retorted and managed, with some effort, to fit two bricks together.

He was off to the races then.

”Do you want to see how high I can make it?” he asked.

”Yes please. Can you build it over your head?” his host replied.

”I can too,” Trump replied and set about walling himself up right there in the interview.

And for a moment, as the lego brick wall rose and he vanished from sight, the world momentarily seemed a little bit saner, as if he wasn’t there at all.

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Boris Johnson to get new hairstyle to clinch Tory youth vote off Rory Stewart

NEVER MIND THE BARNET : Boris Johnson is rumoured today to be going to the barbers again to get a new hairstyle to hoover up the youth vote.

“It’ll take the wind right out of young Rory’s sails,” an aide to Britain’s first prospective prime minister to be summoned to trial while on campaign said, “he’s thinking either a mullet or a mohawk. A hairstyle that’ll show the kids how hip he is but also trigger nostalgia in older voters.”

Which one he goes for won’t be clear until he premieres it with a high production video release later in the week.

“We’re going to film the action in the barbers in a fly on the wall style documentary. A stunt man will play the really tricky parts, like shutting up when the barber is using a razor to shave the sides of his scalp.”

Plans to go further and have tattoos added to the side of his head have been binned though due to problems with the design.

“It was felt sensible to go Viking, you know, Ragnor Lothbrok style, with Boris Johnson’s story tattooed alongside his head, but then we started storyboarded his life’s journey so far and it was quickly apparent we’d have to lie too much. It wasn’t clear the ink would take to adultery and just an epic amount of bullshit.”

How the other contender for the Tory crown, Rory Stewart, will respond to this naked bid for his core voter base is not yet clear.

“Little Matt is already doing parkour and indoor cricket. Rory is on his walkabouts, seemingly a sensible chap, but still promising Brexit, so actually completely insane, just like the rest of them. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he hits back at Boris with a nose piercing.”

Rumours that Dominic Raab is going to outdo the new Boris barnet with an epic session of planking are thought viable, because he’s already thick as two planks, so why not play to his strengths?

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Dinosaur says dinosaurs face extinction if they don’t deliver comet

JURASSIC PARK : A big blonde dinosaur has spoken today about the threat of extinction facing the dinosaurs.

“Like Theseus in a wool shop, aaaaaa, prevaricating over which ply darn to best make possible the exciting possibilities of the aaaaaaa, MAZE! The maze he is to enter within to face TOROS, baaaaaaaaa,” the dinosaur illuminated,

“all the while the minotaur waits, coiled like a serpent, with its talons bared like an unelected technocrat in Brussels, drawing up rules about the length and curvature of bananas….daaaaaaaa. So too must dinosaurs MAKE THEMSELVES GREAT AGAIN by seizing the right number of wraps per inch, or as the good shepherd himself said on the road to White Castle, let my people go free! So too must dinosaurs call down the COMET FROM THE SKY AND MAKE JURASSIC PARK THRIVE AGAIN. Unburdened from the costly red tape of overweening bean counters in aaaaaaaaaaa Europe.”

The dinosaur went on at some length then about how Churchill, faced with the Gordian Knot, drew strength from his time spent bricklaying to build a new knot from the pieces of the old. Before he circled back to the comet.

“Failure to deliver the comet to the Yucatan Peninsula will almost certainly mean the end of the dinosaurs themselves. The stegosaurus, the brontosaurus, the legosaurus, the humiliatosaurus, all have put their faith in us! The great carnivores of the age! To ensure the heavenly body meets with the atmosphere at terminal velocity and beckons in a new era of greatness, the like of which has not been seen since Boudicca first drew blood against the Gauls! Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

And he went on, tiny arms raised high, to demand again a proper comet is delivered from the sky and to claim only he could deliver the burning ball of rock and ice.

We asked our palaeontologist for comment on what was an enthralling, if at times completely nonsensical speech.

“None of it made much sense to be honest, the dinosaurs are likely going extinct either way, but they’ve a chance of longer term survival if they don’t call down the comet. Bloody, great, big lizards! I can’t wait to see the back of them.”

[Ed. some palaeontologist! We all know now dinosaurs were actually giant chickens! – we won’t be asking him for comment again]

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‪Trump to meet Gove to tell him who Murdoch has chosen to be PM‬

YOUR NEXT PM ALREADY HATES YOU : The news wires are thrumming this morning with the news that Michael Gove is to meet privately with Rupert Murdoch’s deputy Donald Trump later today. But why?

“It’s a puzzle,” an aide to Michael Gove admitted to us, at a chance meeting in Hyde Park, “Donald Trump said yesterday he doesn’t know Michael Gove. Buggered if I know while they’ll be having a meeting. Trump is over here running errands for Murdoch, and some other well known billionaires, why he wants to see Gove is anyone’s guess.”

Don’t bullshit us. You know exactly why they’re meeting. As to the claim by Trump he doesn’t know Gove? That’s total nonsense. Gove interviewed him when Murdoch elevated Trump to regional manager back in late 2016.

“But I’m not supposed to say.”

Then let me guess and you nod or wink.

”Okay. But it’s pure speculation on your part.”

Everything we write is. So let’s have a swing at it. Is it so Trump can tell Gove who Murdoch has chosen to be the next British PM?

”Got it in one!”

You’re just supposed to nod or wink.

”Oh sorry. Nod.”

Don’t say it. Nod your head or wink.

”Wink then.”

Christ. Thanks for the insight.

”I hope it’s Gove. He’s been a very loyal foot soldier all these years. It’s time he was rewarded for all the hard work.”

What if Rupert has chosen Boris Johnson instead? That’ll burn.

”I don’t think anyone has chosen Boris. He’s just there for the laugh. Hero’s journey. But he won’t make it to the end. And even if he does, the most important thing is that the people believe they have decided who is the next PM.”

But they won’t have. It’ll be Murdoch who does, like always.

”But we’ll tell the people they have decided. The next PM will be their champion and will rail against the unelected elites in Brussels.”

But we just held elections for the EU parliament.

”What happens and what we tell you happened are often two different things. Funny old world, Rupert’s journalism, isn’t it? Just make sure whatever you see about the Tory leadership election on the front pages, that you believe it. All hail the king! The king is dead! And whoever is the next Tory leader, it’s what Rupert said.”

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Public servant with record in high office to write book on leadership when retired

WORDS AND PICTURES : A public servant with a long record in high office is shortly to retire in order to write a book on leadership.

“She’s already chosen a title,” a typesetter who will have to work on the expected tome revealed, “apparently she’s taken inspiration from a famous gif and will call the book on leadership ‘This is fine’. The subtitle will be something like, sitting still while the house burns down. So it won’t be a fire safety guide. Ha!”

What font to use will be a key decision.

”I personally am pushing for a font used in poster adverts for the Titanic. Something with historical resonance. Give the book heft as soon as you open it. Well, if you open it. Helvetica or LOOK THERE’S AN ICEBERG IN FRONT OF US FOR THREE YEARS LET’S CRASH INTO IT. But that’s perhaps a bit floral for modern sensitivities.”

And how soon can we expect her to smash out the leadership guide?

”Based on the knowledge she’s gathered over years of public service? I’d say about five minutes to write the book. Most of the time will be taken up with the foreword. I don’t think it’ll take too long to write out chapters on gems like,

‘Attritional losses and their importance in overall strategic decline – taking time to go backwards daily’

or the chapter,

’Deceit and its use in eroding stability – how the loyalty of allies can be lost slowly for no gain’

Don’t really need the chapters, just the headings. They tell you all you need to know.”

It’s unusual that she has decided to write the foreword herself?

”What? I didn’t say that. Some colleague of hers is going to write it. Old fellow. Been in the career politics gig since the 70’s. Multi-millionaire. He knows about as much about leadership as she does.”

Thatll be a touching endorsement then.

”I wouldn’t be so sure. Maybe a few barbs in it. After all, she’s buggering off into retirement without delivering Lexit.”