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Trump tells Boris, you must be more orange

Donald Trump has backed Boris Johnson’s Tory leadership bid – but has some important advice. If you want to be an international leader, you have to be more orange.

Trump knows what he is talking about. After all, he is President of the United States, the World, the Universe, and Loompaland.

His advice was, naturally, splashed across social media. “Boris is a bigly great man!” read one typical post. “He learned from the best – me! I admire his hair, I LOVE his attitude. Like me, he is being bullied for telling his version of the truth. Prime Ministerial harassment!”

So far, so Trump. But a late night missive from the presidential bathroom contained the vital missing link. It read, “Boris must be MORE ORANGE if you covfefe”

Rumours that the President actually did an Elvis and died on the throne, mid-tweet, have been greatly exaggerated.

Analysts have been puzzling over the end of this tweet. However the initial advice is sound. To become PM, Boris must go on a diet of Wotsits.

Johnson himself is delighted. “I absolutely love Wotsits,” he admitted. “I also love Trump. I particularly admire the way he says whatever he likes without fear of getting Muellered. The courts won’t find me guilty either. I’m Boris Johnson. Talking bollocks is what I do. They can’t prosecute me for being me!”

Members of Boris’ staff reveal that he is stockpiling skin pigmentation products as well as Wotsits. He is going to reveal his new statesmanlike appearance at the televised beauty contest. This is already being described as ‘going the full red panda’.

Unfortunately, Trump has recently cut all communications with Boris. Johnson believes Trump is mixing him up with Nigel Farage. “It’s ridiculous!” said Boris. “After all, he’s a mendacious, lying, narcissistic twat, with his own personal advancement being his only goal in life. We are nothing alike!”

The future’s bright…

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Feeling left out – Iain Duncan Smith launches crowdfunder to bring private prosecution against himself

SO LONELY – Iain Duncan Smith has announced today he has launched a crowdfunder in order to raise money and bring a private prosecution against himself for misconduct in public office.

https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-stories/iain-duncan-smith-on-boris-court-case-1-6079686

”What about me?” Iain asked, doing his best to make puppy dog eyes, “it isn’t fair. I’ve had enough of being the go to rent a dissembler for John Humphrys whenever Brexit looks dicey. Now I want my share of the real public limelight. I want my day in court. Haven’t I done enough to warrant that?”

Iain, remembered by some as a lion rampant when leader of the official opposition, is particularly perturbed that Boris Johnson is getting so much of the attention.

”Bojo is the sort of chap that would corner you in the toilets as a boy, whip down your trousers and shove a hot crumpet between your butt cheeks.” Iain stops for a moment to quell a flush of hot tears.

“Then he would hold you against the tiled wall with one hand on your forehead laughing while you cried for nanny.” A fat drop rolled out and over his burning cheek.

”Then the master would cane you for wasting food because the other big boys would side with Bojo when you told a master what happened. And I’d still have the crumpet between my cheeks!”

But criticism of the brainiac behind Universal Credit has been swift.

”Why should I use my own money in my own private prosecution? My type are entitled to use as much public money as we can. You could call it a birthright,” Iain asserted, looking calmer now,

“and I won’t stop until I’m 100% sure that in the court of public opinion I’m held in complete contempt.”

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“Parents know best” – Britain’s next PM confirms Tories have still had enough of experts

MOTHER’S MILK : “Parents know best,” Britain’s next prime minister told us today in an exclusive, and entirely imagined interview.

“Parents know best,” she repeated, just in case we didn’t catch it the first time.

”Especially the homophobes and the anti-vaxers,” she added, in a blatant play to the Conservative party base, “If we don’t encourage parents to feel comfortable teaching whatever anti-science, regressive shit they want in the home, and especially at ‘free’ schools, then it’s tricky to see who will vote for us in ten years time?”

The plea for the bigot vote is an important one in a leadership contest that will play hard to the lowest common denominators.

”Boris is going to just slam dunk the racist vote,” Britain’s next PM noted, “Rory has the stoners and wasters all wrapped up. Malthouse has the milkshake vote. Sajid has the anti-commie, anti-revolutionary, anti-insurgency vote. Michael Gove has goat headed men in the bag. I’m after the religious bigots, and if I can stretch it far enough, the pro-measles campaigners.”

It’s a smart play. With the regressive nature of Brexit encouraging anyone who wants to live in the 19th century to come out and play in the open, it’s an electorate that needs tagging.

”I want to imagine a Briton where mothers rock their babes in arms, while sat in their grandmother’s rocking chair, and father paces back and forth expousing the danger of perverse sexuality.”

Traditional values.

”A society so stripped of support networks and welfare structure that teenage girls from poor families are encouraged to go on the game, all the while hating their sinful bodies, but loving the vibrant rash patterns on their bodies. If we all pull together anything is possible.”

We wish her well. In the race to the bottom to win the premiership, she’s in pole position.

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The drugs don’t age you at all, says Rory, 17

Head Prefect of the Westminster Entitled Twats School (WETS), Rory Stewart, has spoken out on the subject of drugs. He says they haven’t affected his youthful good looks in the slightest.

“My rugged good looks give me authority,” claimed Rory, removing a syringe from his arm. “People mistake me for someone in their forties. It’s good breeding, and nothing at all to do with drugs.”

Tory Rory, as he is known, has been put on report for his comments, given a detention, and barred from standing for election as leader of the school’s Young Conservatives.

Wrinkly Rory is disappointed with the outcome. “All the boys, and most of the masters, are on something,” he revealed. “The drugs give you a different view of the world. This is essential, since most of the boys eventually enter politics.”

Gap-toothed Rory bears the scars of an unfortunate incident earlier in his school career. “It happened while Rory was in the Lower Fourth,” said house master Bircham Daley. “One of the sixth formers cut his supply with, well to this day we don’t know what, and Rory took far too much. Matron managed to shove most of his teeth back in, but it was touch and go for a while there.”

How has this affected his schooling? “Not at all,” replied Daley. “He acquired all the GCSEs he wanted, paying the ‘A* supplement’ in several subjects, and I still have the invoice to prove it!”

Daley also revealed that Rory was made Head Prefect to compensate for missing several weeks of jolly japes after the incident with the teeth.

“We have also fast tracked him to get into Oxford,” said Daley. “The life and drugs are harder there, but I’m sure he will excel.”

WETS’ loss is the country’s gain. There aren’t nearly enough rich, privately educated, drug-addled Tory boys in parliament.

But the big question remains, on which his future hangs. Did he inhale?

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Larry the Cat seeks political asylum at Battersea Dogs and Cats Home

SAFE SPACE : Larry the Cat is safer today than yesterday with the news that he has sought political asylum at Battersea Dogs and Cats Home.

News of his disappearance had been kept under wraps, with many fearing Theresa May had eaten him just out of spite.

But shortly before 7am this morning, Larry appeared disguised as Paddington Bear, complete with suitcase, at the entrance to Battersea Dogs and Cats Home.

Ignoring the threatening growls of dogs left there on the doorstep by prats who should never have gotten a dog in the first place, Larry is said to have miaowed once and then waited for an answer.

Seconds later surprised staff were said to have opened the door and in swanned Larry, just like a cat.

He’s believed to have already settled into a new position in upper management at the famous refuge, but will remain in disguise in case the Tories attempt to recapture him and return him to 10 Downing Street.

“The Tory government has precious little it can point to as a positive of its time in office. Larry having survived the reign of psychotics is about it. They’ll be wanting him back.”

Earlier plans to move into the Ecuadorean Embassy were abandoned after the news that Assange left the cat litter tray there unchanged and filthy.

LCD Views would request space be provided for Larry and not to tell anyone where he is. It’s assumed once someone sane finally moves into his old home he will be able to return and govern the land as he has done successfully for many years. Until the Conservatives freaked him out by deciding to replace May with someone even worse.

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Sturgeon and future Libdem leader Swinson to replace May/Foster as joint leaders in Downing Street

POLL AXED : Brexiters, Lexiters, Corbynites and Moggdolytes are taking comfort in each other’s arms at the news SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon, and future Libdem leader Jo Swinson, are all set to replace May/Foster as joint leaders in Downing Street.

”It’s a new dawn,” a distraught looking Moggodolyte sniffled, thumbing through a memorial edition of Jacob Rees-mogg’s fantasy novel about crushing the poor, “and it’s a terrifying one. They might want to make us pay tax to fund public services sufficiently again and restore civil society. The end of neoliberal Darwinianism? It’s terrifying.”

Lexiters were also emotional.

”I dedicated decades attempting to turn England into a time capsule of the 1970’s crossed with an endless communist revolution. I was going to personally make the trains run on time. What’s left to live for? These two capitalist stooge’s will keep us shackled to EU rules on human and worker’s rights, gender and racial equality, new reforms to curb the tax dodgers, environmental focus in an attempt to keep the environment habitable? It’s horrifying. Where’s the room for a worker’s utopia with re-education camps for thought criminals in all that?”

Not to be missed out the Corbynite’s were just furious.

”I didn’t spend the last three years telling anyone who queried Corbyn’s stance on Brexit on social media to fuck off and vote Tory for nothing. Now they gone and voted Libdem and Green and Plaid and SNP! Traitors! They’re undermining the leader! And that’s his job!”

The Brexiters however seemed strangely pleased.

”Endless struggle. We now have endless struggle. And most importantly, Nigel’s EU pension is only getting fatter, well, assuming it isn’t all docked away for expenses fiddling by the time he finally retires.”

None of this was destined of course, until the Labour and Conservatives reacted to the fraudulent EU referendum in 2016 by deciding the centre, and left to right of it, in British politics had ceased to exist.

Policy made in denial, it seems, eventually led to exile. At least that’s apparently how Jeremy Corbyn plans to govern the Labour Party now that most of the PLP have finally split. As to the Tories? Who cares. So long and good riddance.

The polls have it. The polls have it.

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45th US President commemorative stamp choice now between four images of current US president

STAMPED, SIGNED, SEALED AND DELIVERED : The US Postal Service has announced today that it has narrowed the choice of photo for the 45th Presidential commemorative stamp down to four images of the current US president.

“It’s a little controversial,” a source at the postal service revealed exclusively to LCD Views, “as one of the images still in the running has the 45th President of our great (again) country topless and with an animal.”

The final selection will be made after a public ballot and it’s thought the design team at the postal service are hopeful people will go for one of the more traditional images, ie, fully clothed and without an animal.

”I personally think we should have kept the selection in house,” the source added, “we should have learned from what happened when the limeys asked the people to name that boat, Boaty McBoaty Boatface, or whatever it was, and then they had to over rule the public and simply call the boat Trevor.”

But learn lessons from across the pond, before their own public vote, it appears the US didn’t, and now a half nude president could be on a letter arriving at your house later this year.

”I’m also not happy that both Kim Jong-un, MSB and that big baby blimp were eliminated prior to the public vote. Any of them would have done to symbolise the 45th presidency.”

Voting runs until the end of the month so head along and cast your ballot.

But what happens if the 45th President is finally impeached while the stamps are still in circulation?

”Well, it won’t change who is president unless the impeachment is successful, it’ll still be the guy with the horse.”

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Entire Conservative government to be prosecuted for misconduct in public office

BIRD OF PREY : Legal eagles are circling over the entire Conservative government today with the news that the British people have raised enough money to prosecute the lot of them.

”The vultures are circling too, waiting for the eagles to bring the beast to ground,” our democratic process correspondent reports, “ambulance chasers for once are welcome with their calls of ‘Have you been missold a strong and stable government?’. It’s pay day.”

The decision to prosecute the lot of them for misconduct in public office was taken after a cursory examination of their record in office.

”Can anyone honestly claim this shower has put the wealth and welfare of the country first? Served the people’s best interests with their judgement and with care? Or actually operated a Ponzi scheme with the country’s wealth while feasting on the poorest and being grossly negligent in office?”

The decision to continue to pursue Brexit, in spite of the mass of evidence of illegal activity, the proof and finding of it, alongside the foreign interference, dark money manipulation of the voters, international humiliation, emboldening of racists, risk to peace in NI, broken promises and industrial scale misrepresentation of treaties and international obligations by elected officials, is believed to have been the tipping point.

But responding for the government a random Tory MP chorused back, on the same talking points as their close chums in the press.

”We’re Conservatives. This means we’re above the law. It’s one rule for us and one for the rabble. You won’t get away with this. If we can’t tell bald faced lies endlessly it threatens our entire modus operandi. This is an issue of free speech! Speech without responsibility.”

And Labour is warned not to chuckle at the news. Even now a civil prosecution is being considered under the Trades Descriptions Act.

The prosecution of the entire government  is expected to begin imminiently, unless it suddenly becomes possible to do it at the ballot box. And even then, given how deep the stench of rot is, it is likely to continue thereafter.

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Kate Hoey’s resignation from Labour turned down

Labour’s Brexit banshee Kate Hoey has tried to resign from her party. However, Labour HQ has turned down this request, citing party unity.

Farage’s friend is fuming. “Kate is frustrated that Labour isn’t clear on Brexit,” says our mole, Liv Inahole. “She wants Labour to follow the Tories right up Nigel’s arse and get in a flap about floundering flatfish.”

This news follows the sacking of Alastair Campbell. Campbell was removed for registering a protest vote. “Kate has called for action from Jeremy Corbyn,” explains Inahole. “She interprets Campbell’s sacking as a sign to get on and deliver Brexit.”

Unfortunately, Corbyn has been getting round to getting on with… something… for the last three years.

Hoey is still in the Labour party, despite (probably) voting for the Brexit party. Possibly. We simply don’t know for certain. It’s a secret ballot (except on Twitter).

“They wouldn’t let her resign, because the party needs a strong Brexit voice,” said Inahole. “It’s a bit like the BBC in that respect.”

Yet a moderate voice is kicked out instantly.

“Yes, but it’s Alastair flippin’ Campbell innit,” explained Inahole. “Bloody Blairite scum. They have been looking for an excuse to get rid of him for years!”

Remember Tony Blair? Labour landslides, in power for 13 years? They must have done something right?

“Yeah, but Iraq,” she replied.

Surely Labour could well be in power again if only it opposed Brexit?

“Yeah, but we had a vote,” said Inahole, her tone like that of one speaking to a three year old. “One vote, and one sentence in a manifesto that has otherwise been completely ignored. Which means our course of action is set in stone for eternity, so we need Kate to make it happen.”

Kate Hoey resigned… to remaining in the Labour party. And Brexit is close to claiming them all as it’s own.

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Sajid Javid promises a frictionless border with Scotland if he becomes PM

GOOD FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBOURS : Home Office Minister Sajid Javid has taken another great stride towards 10 Downing Street today by taking a pop at the Scots.

“It’ll play really well to the Tory membership, including the one that lives in Scotland,” Mr Jobby told LCD Views, “I’m personally very pleased with today’s tweet. When Sajid asked me to be a campaign adviser I wasn’t aware quite how hard we’d punch out at the colonials. I’m really enjoying it. I’m drafting a tweet insulting Nicola Sturgeon’s mate Varadkar next. This is to ensure he also knows who he’s dealing with when Sajid also re-negotiates the Irish backstop. And don’t get me started on the Welsh!”

Why not?

”We don’t know any of their names.”

Negotiations over borders and backstops promise to feature highly in any Javid premiership, given how fast the rush to independence for the various nations of the U.K. is likely to be. And that’s regardless of who is installed as the next Tory PM.

But what would Mr Javid do in the highly unlikely event of Scottish independence?

”That’s just not up for discussion. As the future prime minister revealed in his tweet to Scotland today, the Scots know the benefit from English rule. They won’t want to change the habits of centuries. They voted in 2014 to stay in the union, largely on the basis of EU membership, but no one cares about that anymore. We’re all Brexiters now. Even the Scottish! Because they’re ruled wisely by the English.”

Play along though, what if? Purely hypothetically?

”Firstly, and this is confidential. If Scotland tries to hold another independence referendum Sajid is likely to nuke Nicola Sturgeon.”

Actually use Trident?

”Yes. We will deal with the SNP once and for all! Mwahahaha!”

But what if that fails to annihilate the Scottish independence drive?

”Oh, then Mr Javid promises a free and frictionless border with Scotland. Dealing with the Scots is really very simple. Just wait to see what Mr Javid tweets on it once he becomes PM. He’s just getting warmed up.”