Man does zipper up without catching knob

A man is celebrating after successfully zipping up his trousers for the second day running.

“It’s magnificent. Almost as good as seeing that pod of dolphins playing with the pack of killer whales off the island of Skye on our honeymoon,” enthused Rooster Cogburn, 38, Southampton.

The interview was conducted in the living room of the Cogburn’s tastefully decorated four bedroom house.

“It’s an incredibly stressful part of my daily routine. I never know how things will end.”

Although allowed to dress himself for over thirty years now, Mr Cogburn has suffered more than the occasional setback when pulling on his trousers. A situation that has worsened, not improved, with the passing of years.

“It first became a problem when I started going out on the lash with my mates in my late teens. You know, you’ve had seven pints, you’ve gone to the use the bathroom in the pub and you have to try really hard to remember to zip up. But remembering is only half the challenge.”

It seems the challenge of achieving that feat without injury is what alerted Cogburn to how potentially dangerous just getting dressed properly as an adult can be.

“It’s ended in blood, just a bit, once or twice.”

LCD Views noticed Rooster’s wife sitting on a chair on the other side of their living room, looking at him like he was a complete and utter tool. We decided to talk to her.

“He’s asks me to help him with his fly most mornings. When I’m rushing to get ready for work myself.”

Jasmine Cogburn shakes her head.

“Come on now,” Rooster interjects. “If I get, you know, caught, it can take ages to get up the courage to rip the zipper back down again. And you have to go fast, there’s no pussyfooting about. It’s like ripping off a plaster.”

“You think I’m so gullible.”

We enquired next what Rooster hoped to achieve tomorrow when getting dressed.

“I’ve a work do first thing. If I sleep in and I’m running late…It’s going to be really fraught. I’m for a hat trick of not getting my knob caught in my zipper. But I’m feeling 50/50 on my chances.”

You can do it Rooster. LCD Views believe in you. You can get the hat trick.

“I married him for his ambition and sense of independence,” Jasmine comments, but we don’t believe her.

Government hires additional 8,000 porters to cart about ministerial Brexit denial

The government is in danger of fresh accusations of ill judged use of public funds today after the revelation in LCD Views (we got it first!) that they have hired an additional eight thousand civil servants to cart about all the denial being created by people working on Brexit.

“It’s a health and safety issue really,” a spokes-droid for DExEU commented.

“You’ve got an ageing man like Mr Davis racing about here and there, he can’t be expected to personally carry the ever increasing burden of denial of the impact of Brexit on every vital sector of the UK’s economy and culture.

He’s going to pop a disc. Or at least strain something, a hamstring or whatever you call that tricky bugger down at your heel? The Trojanstring? Achilles! Achilles heel!”

The additional staff will begin work almost immediately after a short orientation course.

“All new staff have to wear blindfolds. It can take a bit of adjusting to. People tend to walk into walls a lot when they begin working for DExEU. But you soon get numb to the impact bruising.

Once they’ve got the hang of pretending everything is fine and ignoring the complete and absolute lack of any sensible guiding strategy, they’ll find carrying the bags of idiocy and denial Davis creates daily simple.”

Other measures under consideration by the government to speed up work on Brexit are the possibility of changing all the instructive door labels in the relevant government departments.

“You know when you see a “push” label on a door and you just stand there for ten minutes pulling at the door!” the spokes-droid added. “It’s really quite funny watching any minister working on Brexit trying to enter a building.”

It’s felt that by swapping the door labels to the reverse it will increase workflow through the entry to the building and may just subconsciously give them ideas about stopping this bullshit altogether.

ATOS declare Brexit fit for work

The government was claiming a victory tonight as its most cherished employee, Brexit, was declared fit for work by ATOS, in spite of being clearly close to breathing its last.

Concerns had been raised that Brexit, existing on disability payments disguised as funding the scale of which could pretty much save the NHS, clear student debt and renationalise the bloody railways, once it plays out; that Brexit was only pretending to be incredibly ill.

Incapable of achieving partially any task assigned to it.

Massively wasting public resources when it should be out making a success of itself.

And being a terrible advertisement for British workers, and most definitely a productivity drain of an outstanding scale.

So ATOS decided to give it the treatment.

LCD Views understands Brexit was texted and informed it needed to get off its lazy, taxpayer sponging backside and down to its local office 87 miles away for a surprise assessment to determine whether or not it should continue to be a recipient of huge taxpayer funding for no discernible gain, or sent back out to work under the threat of being given even more public funding. An unusual bit of reverse psychology described as a one off.

“It’s a massive win,” David Davis crowed.

“ATOS has evaluated Brexit and in spite of finding it confused, incoherent, and seemingly on its last legs, it was passed fit for work and told to go out there and make a success of itself.”

Brexit was unavailable for comment on the decision. Although we understand from a source close to it that it finds this article almost as incoherent as it finds itself.

This is not surprising, given it’s a hard right ideological coup funded by tax dodging offshore billionaires which cynically prayed on the nostalgia and irrational fears of enough of the population who couldn’t tell the difference between a plate of shit and a chicken sandwich because they read the Daily Mail and it has yet to say anything that could honestly be declared sense.

JSA recipients to work as NHS nurses until they’re retrained as post Brexit fruit pickers

The department for working (maybe there’ll be pensions years away) announced today it was working on a three way project with the health secretary Jeremy Hunt, and Micky “wonder kid” Gove, to kill two birds with one stone.

“From the 1st December 2017 all recipients of JSA will have to work as nurses in order to get their generous government allowance, which will be paid quarterly, to better reflect the world of dividends the people dreaming up policies like this live in.”

Essentially, the spokesman went on to elaborate, it’s to prepare today’s lazy, benefit scrounging layabouts to be the millionaires of tomorrow.

“It will also solve the perplexing problem of a sudden crash in EU born workers for both nursing and the agricultural sector.”

LCD Views believes this is excellent planning and a great response to what appears to be a looming crisis in both the NHS and the soft fruit growing business.

“People from the EU really are showing themselves to be fair weather friends. No one has said they are going to have to wear a badge that labels them a second class citizen, it’s just the changing reality. British born people are worth more than any others, something it does to remind the arrogant people across the channel of from time to time.”

Campaigners working to protect the NHS have voiced concerns that many of the JSA recipients marched into wards may not be qualified for the work and put patients’ lives at risk, but the government has responded by criticising them for talking yet another nation building initiative down.

Farm advocacy groups are also alarmed, having not been consulted either.

“We just needed their votes to stage our ideological coup,” a government minister replied off the record.

“Liam and Boris are sorting out such a good FTA with the USA it’s likely there won’t be any need for farms once we fully realise the possibilities presented by Brexit. And you can rest assured any of the ‘special nurses’ will be excellent at taking blood, I’m going to train them myself.”

Rescue team attempt to save Liam Fox from end of Southend pier

The Department for Blowing Cash Pretending We’re Going to Have International Trade (post Brexit) released an urgent press release this afternoon advising people stay clear of a Southend pier until Liam Fox has been rescued.

“Members of the public are advised to give a wide berth to Southend pier this afternoon until international trade supremo Doctor Liam Fox has been rescued by a specially trained squad who have been waiting for just this moment.”

It seems the drama began when Boris Johnson texted Liam Fox early this morning.

LCD Views has a transcript of the message to hand:

“Liam you foxy foxy devil. Get down to Southend and wait at the end of the pier old foxy devil you.

Have laid the lawn for you to agree first FTA with that new republic that declared itself the other day over on the continent.

We can get in first and boss it!

Put a kipper in your tank and try not to choke on the fumes!

Dispatching HMS Global Britain to pick you up!

A friend of yours will be on board the ship! Topple bibble bobble what what! B. J.”

It’s unclear at this stage if the text was a joke or meant in earnest, but either way it appears Liam was a little dim and raced to the pier in his best Saville Row suit, empty briefcase clutched for show, only to find hours later the promised mighty vessel of international trade had not appeared.

Ignoring the request of the press release we dispatched a reporter to cover the action by the water.

“Liam is visibly distressed. Not so much it seems by the failure of the HMS Global Britain to materialise out of the early morning fog, but finding himself at the end of the pier it appears he has no idea how to get back to dry land.”

“I’m going to starve out here!” Dr Fox is now screaming, “I can’t work out how to get back to dry land. Help me! I’m a doctor! People need me!”

Judging by the reluctance, clear in the body language of the rescue squad, to walk to the end of the pier and lead Liam back by the hand, it seems not everyone is so sure we can’t get along without his best efforts…

Great Pyramid mystery void found to contain unopened assembly instructions for square stone building

Archaeologists working with wonder lasers have successfully burned a tunnel through the hard shell of the Great Pyramid of Giza to access a mysterious void deep inside the famous landmark and discover what secrets it holds.

“It’s simply amazing,” Prof Knot Reel enthused to LCD Views’ second best historical correspondent.

“You know, in the old days, it would take us months to get this far into an ancient building. But these lasers? Wow.

No more messing about with toothbrushes and trowels. Thank God.

I used to be so envious when I watched Time Team on television and saw them rip off feet of dirt with diggers, seemingly without a care. But now I have this laser gun!”

We agreed the new technology was very good at burning through the millennia thick crust that obscures the good stuff.
“You aren’t worried about the curse of the pharaoh?”

“Why would I be with this puppy? How well do you think a zombie mummy is going to fare against a laser? A toothbrush and a trowel? Yeah. You were in trouble before, unless you can run fast. Let’s get in and see what’s inside, shall we?”

We did.

The tunnel burned into the pyramid’s mass was still a little smokey. Still glowing a bit. But with only superficial burns we arrived at a void that had heard no human heart beat for 1,000’s of years.

“Look!” Prof Knot exclaimed. “It’s a plastic wrapped booklet. It must be the last thoughts of that fellow wrapped up and shoved in the corner over there.”
The fellow was presumably a previously unknown pharaoh.

“You can’t buy class,” Prof Reel commented. “Too much bling on him for my liking. Imagine turning up at the local looking like that? Flash jack.”

“Let’s have a look in the bag doc.”

“Okay.”

Cheerfully our second best correspondent (now our third, we’ve hired) assisted the professor in ripping away the outer cover to get at the papyrus inside.

“You’re kidding me.”

What? Quickly!

“The Pyramid is supposed to be a fucking square.”

“Are you sure?”

“Look at these, these are the assembly instructions. It’s all here. Look at the cover picture. It’s supposed to be a big square. And look, against your foot, there’s two spare screws there. They just knocked it together, got to what they thought was the end of the build and shrugged at clear red flags that said go back, try again.”

Sod that.

“No wonder they covered their faces. How embarrassing. Build all these pyramids only to discover they should have been squares? Cripes.”

So the ancient Egyptians were just your basic family struggling to put together a bloody flat pack cabinet?

“Maybe not a cabinet. This could perhaps have been a chest of drawers? Like they have at Skara Brae.”

Analysis of the stone suggests it was quarried in Sweden. A sales booklet has since been found in the pocket of the chap in the corner, confirming the hypothesis that IKEA was established thousands of years earlier than initially believed.

More revelations from the void as they come to light, if the laser doesn’t burn them to dust first.

Gavin Williamson to replace tarantula Cronus with the doomsday clock in new job

Theresa May’s shock pick for the new Secretary of Defence, Gavin Williamson, has ruffled a few feathers already by advising he is leaving his pet tarantula, Cronus, behind in the chief whip’s office and placing the doomsday clock on his new desk instead.

“I’ve got the nukes to threaten people with now,” He shrugged, dogged by puffing reporters as he attempted to jog in circles on Westminster Green. “What the hell do I want with a spider?”

Indeed.

Our own reporter, Titan Searchlight, was doing his best to keep up with the pack and get LCD Views in on the action.

“Mister Williamson. Mister Williamson”

(Transcript filled with chainsmoker coughing.)

“Mister Williamson. Slow down! It’s LCD Views. We’re not like the rest of these hacks.”

(More coughing. Someone asking what they did to deserve this.)

“Mister Williamson. How soon do you expect to receive a knighthood?”

That grabbed his attention.

“About as soon as next Friday,” He shouted back. “When I tell our terrified Prime Minister that I either take her job now or she gives me a gong.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to manage arguably one of the most important government departments when you’ve not done shit before but threaten Tory MPs with the records of their inappropriate behaviour?” Titan managed to ask between gasps for air.

“Well, I couldn’t stay as chief whip with the shit that’s going to hit the fan over Brexit. Now that the sexual harassment dossier is leaking to the media drip by drip, what the hell am I going to threaten people with to keep them in line?”

“Good point. Thank you for the interview.”

“No problem. No piss off or I’ll order the RAF to use your rundown 1930’s semi in Penge for drone target practise. And that goes for the rest of you. Rabble.”

Reports coming in after the exercise session suggested that Mr Williamson was wasting no time getting down to business.

He has chosen the exact spot on his desk to place the doomsday clock and is said to be enquiring how close you can nudge the hands on the clock before the big bombs go off?

As to the feelings of Cronus on being left behind?

The tarantula is said to be sanguine, fully expecting to be offered the job of minister for the cabinet office any day soon.

New £20 note to be composed solely of pectin and cocaine powder to save on the bitching

The Royal Mint pleased large swathes of the spending public today with the reassurance the new £20 note will be made only from pectin and cocaine powder.

“It’s to save on the bitching,” G. Williamson, deputy head PR explained.

“You know what’s it’s like these days. You’ll always get the nostalgia heads being upset by any form of modernisation, but lately the country’s food choice lobbyists and recreational to extreme drug users have also being complaining.”

It’s believed the pressure from certain high profile cocaine users to ensure new banknotes are easy on the nose has been immense.

“Also the vegetarians. They get exceptionally cranky over the slightest bit of animal in any banknote they intend on ingesting.”

It’s hoped the changed recipe will mean that the new twenty, when it comes into circulation later this month, will blend seamlessly into salads and Friday nights.

“I’d be careful how many of them you add to a lentil stew. We don’t want people overdosing.”

But cocaine use advocacy group, The Campaign for Better Nose Garbage, was upset.

“As we understand it the new twenty pound notes will still not feature any of the famous South American drug tzars of the late twentieth century. It’s high time Escobar was featured on a British banknote to recognise his enduring impact on the UK’s social life and international trade in general.”

Inquiries over who the mint intends to place on the banknote have also raised eyebrows.

“Elizabeth 1st. That way people can have their traditional role models and we can do our bit to further equality in representation.”

LCD Views suspects they may have missed the mark with their choice, as detect more than a sniff of controversy to follow.

Michael Fallon to be exported to Saudi Arabia with next high explosive arms shipment

The office of the prime minister has announced this evening that former defence secretary Michael Fallon is to be exported to Saudi Arabia with the next British shipment of high explosives.

“We are advising them to drop him on Yemen,” a source purporting to work in the ministry of defence told LCD Views.

“He’s done so much work for the region at large already, we really believe his totally sincere explosion of contrition over his past behaviour will go very far to pour oil on troubled waters.”

It’s not clear yet what response the Saudi government has given at the news of the gift.

“He was elected, warts and all, so they may not take too kindly to that. But on the other hand, his past behaviour probably places him right top of any list for promotion as advocate to a women’s rights group put together by the UN to make the Saudis look good. So they could use him that way.”

It’s thought Mr Fallon himself is a little surprised by the distance the prime minister wants to send him.

“Admittedly Michael Gove was reinstated in about twenty four hours, but then he has a friend in a high place, which may explain how quickly he was brought back from ostracism.”

It’s also felt that if the exportation of Mr Fallon is successful then it will pave the way for potentially dozens of other government ministers who may shortly be needing to remove themselves from the spotlight.

Labour are said to be watching closely in case dangerous and unsecured ordinance of their own needs getting rid of.

“We just hope this doesn’t lead eventually to the downfall of the government before we’ve had time to get our hands on those Henry VIII powers.

But with a weapon like Fallon, once he’s pulled the pin on himself, you’ve no real option but to pick him up and throw!”

Brexit impact studies to be released via controlled explosion in isolated field

The UK government has responded quickly to the defeat in the Commons last night with a decision to release the Brexit impact studies via a controlled explosion in an isolated field.

“We are complying with the result of the vote,” Mr B Umble, spokesbot for DExEU told press lizards lounging outside the chamber. “Even though it was an opposition motion and we really don’t pay any attention to anything since June 23rd 2016, when time stopped.”

It’s believed the reason for releasing the 58 studies in this manner is because if someone actually reads them it could be disastrous for our Brexit negotiating strategy. Especially if someone in government reads them.

“We’re not too concerned with what the British people think, enough of them appear to be sufficiently deluded to persist with Brexit, even though we already know it is likely a catastrophically stupid thing to do with no discernible gain except a boom time for the slogan and tax dodging industries.”

It’s believed a special army bomb disposal unit is already on the way to Westminster to take charge of all copies of the reports and race them to a secret location on Salisbury plain, just next to Stonehenge, where they will be surrounded by dynamite and blown up.

“With any luck people will just think the giant fireball rising into the sky is a bunch of rebellious teenagers larking about with too many firecrackers.”

Should any of the papers survive the explosion and float singed into your garden you are advised to pretend they are not there and let slugs and snails erase the words in due course.

“We are alerting the NHS to be on standby. If by some terrible cock up a report lands in the lap of a member of the public in a legible form and they read it, it could lead to some sort of reverse zombie apocalypse where everyone comes to life at once and masses on Westminster Green filled with a rage we won’t be able to alleviate. We will need mass sedation, preferably via some sort of aerosol.”

But the greatest concern is that an actual politician may read one of the reports and realise their legacy is going to be an eyewateringly stupid act of self harm.

“Personally I think we should evacuate England and lift off into orbit and nuke the whole place. It’s the only way to be sure no one ever sees what a bunch of absolute, dissembling con artists the Brexit politicians are.

Either way, the reports will soon be ashes and dust, hopefully before no member of government has read them!”