Outrage over Home Office plans for burgundy ration books

LCD Views has learned of fury in the halls of Brexit today with the revelation that the Home Office has put out to tender the printing of burgundy ration books.

“It’s supposed to be another genius snub to the EU, which passed a law forcing all member states to produce burgundy passports in 1954, but it’s potentially an own goal by the government,” LCD’s Futures correspondent, N Ostradamus reveals, “for how much burgundy incenses Brexiters. And we’re all Brexiters now.”

The ration books are expected to be made by a Saudi Arabian company, in a tie-up cash for U.K. made bombs deal. This is a win win which is designed at diversifying our middle eastern friend’s economy, away from oil and into print.

“We’ve ordered eighty million of them,” N Ostradamus reveals, “more than the current official population of the U.K., but ask any hardline conservative and they’ll tell you for a fact there’s at least fifteen million illegals hiding in the shires. They won’t get ration books, but it’s worried the indigenous population may eat the books while queuing for bread. We’ll need spares.”

LCD Views suggests, if it’s not too late to change direction, that classic British blue would have been the more patriotic choice.

Labour have criticised the plan too.

“A jobs first Brexit will mean most of the able population tilling our nationalised farms and fields. There won’t be any need for rations. People can eat the fallen fruit in the fields as they turning over sods of soil.”

But we perceive the greater danger is the Saudi’s accidentally dropping crates of burgundy ration books on Yemenis after a potential mix up talking to Boris Johnson.

That’s no good.

We only recycle oil money properly when they drop British made bombs and we turn a blind eye. Well, unless they drop the bombs on a population that can perhaps make it to Europe as war refugees. Then it’s a front page Daily Mail issue that we can all shake our fists about.

Presumably some ration books will make it to British soil, so we suggest you order your blue ration book covers now to conceal the treasonous burgundy. They’d make great birthday and Christmas presents in advance of March 2019.

“They should just make the new blue passports dual use,” N Ostradamus recommends, “it’s not like anyone, except the wealthiest, will be able to afford a holiday after March 2019, and I can’t see Jacob Rees-mogg queuing for food, can you?”

No, he’ll send a servant instead, like all the people driving Brexit.

Man expects to solve riddle of how to get into gov with a jobs first Brexit by 1st April 2019 at latest

A man who millions of people admire because he’s not like others expects to solve the riddle of how to get into government with a jobs first Brexit by 1st April 2019, at the latest.

“We’re working really hard on it. The whole team,” the man reassured his fans and supporters while seemingly immobile, “we’re building a movement right now.”

This is enough for some, but for the others,

“The only good Brexit is a jobs first Brexit.

We can do that by assisting our colleagues in government so fully on Brexit that they won’t notice we’re seamlessly out polling them while seeming to be supporting them.”

It appears the only major hurdle is how to actually get the other party off their benches, so Labour can sit on them instead, while routinely voting in support of their most important policy agenda.

“It’s totally got me stumped,” the man admitted, “you would have thought a minority government propped up by a bunch of creationists, who most likely can’t be relied upon in a crunch, would be easy to displace.”

More so because they are pursuing an incredibly divisive agenda which all evidence suggests is going to completely trash the economy of the country, while simultaneously belittling it diplomatically.

“And they’re doing this while pursuing domestic policies that some suggest are now indirectly killing people who need medical treatment or welfare support.”

You would have thought the way to bring such a government down would be clear, but apparently not.

“I’m sure we’ll find the magic bullet sooner or later, definitely by the first of April 2019.”

Until then it’s probably best to just keep voting in support of a very weak prime minister on the issue that is always threatening to rip her own party to shreds because you’re worried a bunch of people who believed a barrel load of lies might not like you so much?

“We’ll get there. Just be patient. Until then we’ll just vote with the Tories on Brexit and see if they don’t do our job for us, sooner or later, by daily hurting the United Kingdom. It’s the principled thing to do.

If we appear mysterious people will think we’re up to something clever.

That is in no way a cynical political strategy that makes us complicit in the great self-harm project being inflicted on the U.K.”

May to create reshuffle minister to get it right next time

The Westminster bubble is in ecstasy today with the news that Theresa May, Prime Minister of somewhere, is to create a reshuffle minister so she can get it right next time.

“It’s momentous,” Brandon Lewis, recently promoted to stare angrily at social media told LCD, “she completely ballsed it up last time, but a new Ministry for Reshuffles will ensure she nails it next month.”

The new ministry, to be set up by Friday, will be a hotly contested ticket.

LCD asked Mr Lewis who was in the running for the top job?

“Michael Gove is foaming at the mouth for it,” Brandon replied, “to most people’s shock he’s only pretending to like animals and can’t wait to get out of the environment backwater.

But there’s a spare Johnson sibling floating around too, Crassius or Toberlone or something, no one has really heard of him. He might get it as part of May’s new blood strategy.”

But critics of the government have attacked the plan.

“Labour can’t support this additional expense at a time of national austerity. A billion pounds has been earmarked for this. That could be spent on planning for a jobs first Brexit.
I’m not even sure why we need a minister for truffles? It’s not like France is going to refuse to sell us magic mushrooms after March 2019.”

Other critics have pointed out that as this is already a government of clowns, you’d expect May to be able to juggle and shuffle already.

“I am personally for it,” LCD’s political watcher commented, “if this new minister can show Theresa how to actually sack someone, then the future of the U.K. is strong and stable.”

Legislation to establish the new ministry is expected to be tabled no later than Thursday, to meet the Friday deadline set by the prime minister.

In spite of their fierce criticism of the prime minister’s handling of the most recent reshuffle, Labour MPs can expect to be whipped in favour of the bill anyway.

“Reshuffle means reshuffle,” the Prime Minister will tell the house when she personally presents the bill, “and truffle means truffle.”

Disused channel tunnel to be turned into a mushroom farm

Leave means Leave. Brexit means Brexit. All ties to the wicked continent will be cut off. This is what we, The People, voted for. The channel tunnel will become redundant. Secret plans released this week suggest that it will be used as a mushroom farm instead.

Government mouthpiece Poppy Cock spoke to LCD’s Dig For Britain correspondent to explain. “After Brexit, which is well on course to be an outstanding success, nobody will want to leave these shores, ever again,” she said. “Naturally, nobody will be allowed in either. The channel tunnel will cease to have any raison d’etre. This means that there will be over 20 miles of cold, dark, damp tunnels lying empty. It’s an outstanding business opportunity.”

“There are two tunnels, over 20 miles long each,” Ms Cock continued. “But they will be bricked up half way along to prevent Frenchness from infiltrating our nice English champignons.”

Plans are already in place to recruit Kentish volunteers to work in the tunnels. “Since Kent is to be concreted over to provide work and an American airbase, there will be displaced serfs aplenty,” claimed Ms Cock. “Their waste will provide the perfect matrix for fungus production. We have already renamed it Morel Fibre.”

Michael Gove will be heading up this important new enterprise. As Secretary of State for Agriculture, Food and Rural Affairs, it falls nicely into his remit. He is said to be designing a new device to harvest the mushrooms. Treacherous wags have already dubbed it a “toad’s tool”.

Treasonous lefty traitors have drawn parallels between the new mushroom industry and Brexit. “We British citizens have been treated like mushrooms,” said subversive Sissy Snowflake. “We have been kept in the dark and fed large amounts of shit.”

John Bull is teaming up with Poppy Cock. So, is this a Cock and Bull story, or are they just full of shiitake?

Country continues to scratch head over brain teaser ‘Who did we elect prime minister on June 8th, really?’

Reports from social media analysts, Social Media R Us, suggest that a country that used to be regarded as an intellectual powerhouse is continuing to puzzle over who it elected prime minister last year? Even though seven months have now passed.

“No one has a bloody clue,” SM R Us told LCD Views, “officially the prime minister is, in theory, the leader of the party asked to form a government, following the result of a national ballot, but that seems not to be the case this time.”

SM R Us goes on to elaborate that judging by comments on all social media platforms, there is consensus that the woman who appears to believe she is currently prime minister just isn’t, in the public’s perception.

“Rupert Murdoch is pretty high up there. Paul Dacre too. A lot of people coalesce around those two media moguls being the actual power behind the throne.”

Not Elizabeth II’s toilet you understand, they mean the desk chair in 10 Downing Street.

“A substantial minority suggest some mythical animal called a lame duck. Others lump for Donald Trump, but he’s not even prime minister of America, so that’s a stretch.”

In face of the skepticism the woman who believes she is the British prime minister is expected to keep claiming it, until someone can prove to her that she’s dreaming.

So who does SM R Us think is PM?

“It’s either Boris Johnson or Arlene Foster, depending on how you look at things. Or maybe even Jeremy Hunt, given how he bossed the PM yesterday.

It’s hard to say, we’ll probably need another election soon to find out.”

Record numbers of female voters join Tories in response to male Tories defending Toby Young

The Conservatives pushed their membership over 200,000 today as women all over the U.K. reacted positively to the old men of the party blathering defences and excuses about the character of noted feminist campaigner Toby Young.

“I’m going to nominate him for Woman of the Year, 2018!” Twitter user, IheartToby tweeted.

Others were similarly effusive,

“The way the chumocracy of entitled middle aged white men have come out to excuse the horrifying misogyny of Toby warms my heart more than the Westminster sexual harassment scandal. It’s nice to know that even in troubled times like this, Toby can rely on his friends.”

It certainly seems to show, that in spite of criticism from people who have no idea about rebuilding a dying political party membership, apart from taking from the young the things they care about, that defending a man who has been forced to resign from a cushy, taxpayer funded new quango is the way to go.

“They’ll probably reach half a million new female members by the weekend,” a serious political analyst commented, “who wouldn’t want to publicly defend a guy who has made a habit of horrific, sexually focused denigration of women? It’s doing more to rebrand the Tories than any genius catch phrase thought up by May.”

One or two lone voices have suggested that privileged ageing men, who may have a general reputation as a group for not being very progressive, attempting to keep a man with such vile views in a chumocracy job actually hurts the Conservatives.

But what do they know? Probably only women who should be at home barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, hey Toby? Whadda you say?

Others have pointed out that the verbal denigration expressed by Mr Young is another incarnation of the appalling denigration of women, so common in modern pornography.

A further expression of insecure men who feel threatened by any sniff of sexual equality. They need to stamp down on it or they’ll worry their willies aren’t willies fit for the 21st Century?

“I couldn’t comment on that,” a senior Tory bull male responded, “we don’t know anything about porn.”

If only Toby had thought to delete tens of thousands of sexist tweets before accepting the job of destroying access to higher education for poorer demographics, then no one would ever have known what he used to be like, so long ago.

David Davis to sue David Davis’ nose after David Davis cut David Davis’ nose off David Davis’ face

The power of the state is to be turned against David Davis’ nose this week after David Davis wrote to the prime minister demanding she takes legal action after his nose fell off his face.

From a letter leaked exclusively to LCD Views we can reveal the above, and the Secretary of State for Shafting the UK’s reasoning.

“It’s true I threatened to cut my nose off my face if Barnier’s nose didn’t agree that his face needed my nose more than I needed my nose,” advises Mr Davis, “and it’s also correct that I proceeded to cut off my nose with my own blade in order to make it clear to Barnier’s nose just how far I was to prepared to go to maintain a deep and special relationship with the EU, while telling it to F off,”

There’s a lot of buts and it’s for a while, some outright lying, then,

“My nose has purposely ruined my best shirt for when I’m propping up the bar in the House of Commons.

There’s my own blood all over the place.

I demand the state sues my nose to cover the costly dry cleaning bill I’ve incurred when it took me at my word and fell off, after I cut it off my face.”

The Prime Minister is yet to respond to Mr Davis’ written demand, believed to currently be just sitting behind her desk at Downing Street asking passers by,

“When does this end? Can someone tell me when I’ll be sacked? I can’t do it myself. I can’t even sack Hunt.”

In response to Davis’ leaked letter the EU had this to say,

“Of course, when a member state comes to us and says it is going to have our cake and eat it and it can do it while cutting its nose off its face, we prepare for exactly that by standing back and having our own cleaners on standby, just in case, as any fool can see it’s all going to get very messy.

These Brexit people must think we’re as full of piss and wind as they so clearly are. It’s really quite incredible.”

It seems both David Davis’ nose and the EU can smell a load of BS a mile away, pity the same can’t be said for the individuals on our side who are creating it.

And the cost of Davis’ dry cleaning bill?

You guessed it, currently running at £350M per week to the taxpayer, and set to rise.

BOOM time for concrete suppliers as operation ‘Carpark Kent’ commences

DExEU is thrilled to announce today that it alone is responsible for “the boom time commencing for patriotic British concrete suppliers, owing to the car-parking over of Kent”.

“This is just sensible advanced planning in the advent of a ‘no deal Brexit’,” David Davis MP told LCD’s Aggregates and Other Materials Specialist.

“Clearly, if we do crash out of the European Union without a deal, or a transitional period being agreed, then the customs queues at Dover are going to be eyewateringly long.

Our initial plan was to build a bridge all the way from the White Cliffs to France, but that idea was abandoned at the concept phase, for being contradictory to the entire ethos of Brexit.”

And it’s not only concrete suppliers that are experiencing the joys of sudden influxes of giant amounts of taxpayer’s cash.

Demolition building contractors are right now ferrying busloads of labourers across the entire Kent landscape armed with pneumatic drills and sledgehammers.

“We’re setting up temporary accommodation for the population of Kent in Yorkshire. Clearly, all the houses and standing structures in Kent have to be flattened as you can’t park lorries on bumps.”

The temporary accommodation is tents, for the most, with the first families to arrive being given the few trailer homes DExEU could requisition at short notice.

“We will be airdropping food supplies to the relocated people, for the first week, but I advise them to locate the nearest off license, as they’ll need to be self sufficient from week two.”

Labour however, in spite of the jobs being generated, have hit back at the new concrete focused, infrastructure plan.

“We agreed with government that there would be no contingency planning in advance of Brexit. Such treacherous moves make it less likely we’ll be able to nationalise the farming sector in Kent, when we take power in April 2019, as you can’t grow corn on concrete. We’re deeply troubled.”

In a surprise, additional statement, Labour even threatened to whip the PLP to vote against Theresa May’s government on a Brexit amendment again, but that’s thought just to be a bit of bluster and not a serious threat. It’s rumoured Mr Corbyn is still waiting for his pulse to settle after having done it once. You have to build momentum to vote against a weak government on its agenda of bulldust and lies. You can’t just launch yourselves into it!

“We don’t need to do operation Carpark Kent,” Tom Watson, Labour deputy leader, added later, on his facebook page,

“We’ve a perfectly sensible plan to continue trade, post Brexit, with the continent by way of thousands of little British boats ferrying goods back and forth daily between England and Dunkirk. It’s our new ‘boats first Brexit’.”

A boats first Brexit? That’s something we can get onboard with!

Schools ordered to teach new meaning of ‘democracy’

The UK’s newest Secretary of State for Education has taken to the job with gusto by ordering all schools in the United Kingdom to teach a redefinition of the word ‘democracy’.

“It’s whatever the party who tentatively holds onto power by buying a majority wants it to mean,” an aide to the new minister explained to LCD.

LCD : But what’s the new definition?

“I just told you. The new definition is ‘whatever the party who tentatively holds onto power by buying a majority wants it to mean’.”

The clarification is important.

“Too many people are clinging onto the outdated notion that our democracy is a system of government wherein all the voices of the population are heard and balanced by way of reaching a compromise agreement that enacts not only a majority view, but takes into account minority interests also, to stop them getting all disenchanted and militant and stuff.”

The old way was occasionally put into practice in the U.K. by way of electing representatives who stood in a place like a parliament and debated issues and respected the expressed views of constituencies while also, and very importantly, used their best objective judgement to make important decisions affecting the lives of all. This did not always square with the changing opinions of voters, but was a good check against mob rule.

“That was a pretty boring way of doing things. And tended to over complicate issues.

Brexit is a great example.

How do you deliver an agenda based solely on distracting lies packaged up as nationalism and appealing to people’s’ insecurities about a changing world in order to enrich offshore, tax haven loving, sociopathic billionaires if you actually debate the issues factually and attempt to balance a majority view while respecting a minority one too? You might even find objective analysis says it’s a real dumb idea. What a pickle.

It’s impossible.

The new definition is much simpler. We call it ‘will of the people’.”

LCD : But why change it now?

“Hopefully redefining democracy will go some way to bullying remoaners into shutting up about all of our lies.”

LCD: Critics will say this move is designed to distract the people from what you’re really attempting to do? And what you’re really attempting is contradictory of the old definition of democracy.

“Oh, you’ve just defined Brexit. We’ve no plans to redefine that. We all know Brexit means Brexit.”

Theresa May promoted to the Cabinet

Theresa May, the ambitious member for Maidenhead, has gained her reward for her unwavering determination and loyalty. A stronger or more stable figure could hardly be imagined. Her promotion will strengthen one of the strongest cabinets of modern times.

The Prime Minister of Brexitland, Rupert Murdoch, has needed to recruit new blood since the unfortunate departure of several stalwart figures. Michael Fallon felt the knee – sorry, felt the need – to leave his role after sharing Trump jokes with Julia Fart-Brewer. Priti Patel had to go after she was discovered talking to foreigners, which is to be outlawed under Brexit regulations. And poor Damian Green took matters into his own hands.

Some of the many aces in Murdoch’s pack have remained unshuffled. Boris Johnson remains Minister of Balderdash, and Jeremy C. Hunt is to continue as Health Secretary. Sources suggest that Hunt was in line for a major promotion, but he begged to be allowed to continue his excellent work with the NHS. Hunt has graciously accepted extra responsibilities after proving to be such a safe pair of hands.

There are a few new entries, populist pickers. For example, Brandon Lewis becomes Minister for Interchangeable Names. James Cleverly’s name speaks for itself. Indeed, he tweeted “I’m not just Cleverly, I’m a stable geniusly!”

And so to May. She has shown enormous flexibility in reconciling her pro-European instincts to the hard Brexit demanded by the Great British Public. She was considered for a position in the Department for Transport, but as she herself noted, “I don’t even know how to make a U-turn in government!”

Her wit, vigour and melodious voice will be valuable assets as she joins the Department for Exiting the European Union. David Davis tweeted “Delighted to have such a skilled negotiator on the team! Welcome Theresa!”, although reportedly he struggled to spell ‘negotiator’ and ‘Theresa’ without assistance.

There are now 13 Conservative vice chairmen. That’s a lot of vice to oversee.