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US navy advises it would be easier to tarp Donald Trump than entire warship

OUT OF SIGHT AND OUT OF MIND : The US navy has responded to the recent order from the White House to conceal the identity of the USS John McCain.

“Seriously? If the order came from the White House than it came from the so called Commander in Chief,” an unidentified source at the Yokosuka base in Japan told LCD Views, “haven’t those idiots ever heard of hoods? We know Donald has a lot of friends who like wearing a certain kind of hood, much to our embarrassment. Surely it would be easier in future just to hood Donald, but not a hood with eyeholes.”

Horse blinders were also suggested to protect the big orange snowflake’s precious little ego. Perhaps just a simple blindfold would suffice?

“Or he could stay home. That would save us all a lot of face. Keep golfing until your impeachment. Or set him up a Truman Show type world? He can be president in there. The ratings would be so, so big, no one has ever seen ratings that big.”

The Truman Show solution to the Trump presidency is a decent one and would be worth however much it costs.

“Do they even think about the impact on the morale of the men and woman serving on that warship? They have to be hidden from sight? This is modern America? We can’t even show our face now.”

But POTUS was not immune to concerns over the feelings of the serving men and women. In particular those serving on a warship named after a veteran who famously endured suffering while serving that his privileged background could have prevented, had he allowed it to.

“Donald is having to rest, now he’s thought about it,” a White House source revealed, “the thought of what his thin skinned, vindictive narcissism may have done to the those serving under his command? It’s caused his bone spurs to flare up real good. People should think about that, the next time, before they casually bite back.”

Plans to cover the entirety of the Statue of Liberty in a giant shawl until Trump has left office are also under consideration, because there’s nothing about the famous lady and what she symbolises that doesn’t upset the old orange fart.

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The Charge of the Light Brigade enters Tory leadership contest

WHY NOT HAVE A GO : The Suez Crisis was tight lipped today after The Charge of the Light Brigade entered the Tory leadership contest with what appeared to be a direct, frontal assault on the other international crisis.

”I expect the tweet was a result of a mix up in the chain of command in the Light Brigade’s campaign team,” Special K, embedded BBC reporter for all Tory matters, told LCD Views, “it has to be. The Suez Crisis is yet to confirm if it’s even entering the race to eventually replace Theresa May, sometime before the Sun supernovas and cooks us all.”

The move to take on the human contemporary British disasters, such as Jeremy Hunt, Esther McVey, Boris Johnson and so on, by historic British calamities has been expected.

”The Titanic is putting together a team too,” Special informs excitedly, like a Jack Russell shown a rat, “and with the already sizeable popularity of that catastrophe in the public’s consciousness it could have one or two of the other hopefuls running for a life boat.”

Focus now is on how the Suez Crisis will respond to the direct personal attack by the Charge of the Light Brigade.

”The Suez Crisis is to be featured in a splash this weekend in the Sunday Mail, which is believed to foreshadow its official declaration that it wants to govern the country next,

”A source close to its team of advisors says it’s to be shown running up a beach and knitting a cardigan in the hope of appearing more approachable,

”You know, less like a completely avoidable and humiliating disaster. But it’s not certain how much support it will garner from the membership as it has an exceptionally left wing agenda of promising to pretty much nationalise everything without regard to the cost.”

LCD Views remains impartial on who we would like to see takeover from Theresa May, at this stage, so we wish all the disasters, human and historical, the best of luck.

But with Brexit itself the clear favourite to replace May and achieve total control of the country, it’s difficult to see why any of them are bothering.

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London is too full of immigrants, says Brit living abroad

London is no longer a British city, says John Cleese. It’s odd how you can keep up with exactly how British somewhere is while living overseas.

What he means of course, is that London contains too many foreign people. And it’s changed since the last time he was familiar with it. You can imagine him ordering somebody to paint “Romanes eunt domum” everywhere.

The London of Cleese’s memory is bereft of life. It is an ex-city, it has ceased to be.

It’s different. It has moved on. Dear London, I fart in your general direction.

However, London is still very much London. It is, and always has been, much more cultural melting pot than Lancashire hotpot.

People from all over the world, from the Roman Londinium to the present day, have come to London to invade, trade, work, marry. And still they come, attracted by the streets paved in gold, and the chance to see the Queen popping to the corner shop for twenty Bensons.

London is a focal point in the world. It therefore also attracts enemies. For example, it was the focus of German bombing in 1940. This led to people coming together with a common cause. The Blitz spirit, the Dunkirk spirit, and black market potato spirit are conflated in some nostalgic feeling of heroism.

Don’t mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.

Cleese may not have joined the choir eternal, but he most certainly has joined the Ministry of Silly Tweets.

Cleese is a hero to many British people. Unfortunately, he’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy.

People of London – and elsewhere – even though the country is being crucified because of a dreadful administrative error, don’t grumble, give a whistle. And this’ll help things turn out for the best… And… Always look on the bright side of life.

And now for something completely different.

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Unelected, unaccountable man wants to take over your democracy

An unelected, unaccountable man has appeared on TV (again) to clarify just how democratic he is. He is demanding that he simply takes over everything – the EU parliament, the UK parliament, the BBC, the NHS. This, apparently, is 21st century democracy.

To make sure this happens, the man has set up his own limited company, with himself as CEO and major shareholder. With all the nasty details hidden from view, his popularity is higher than ever.

LCD Views’ Tinpot Hitler correspondent had no difficulty in arranging an interview.

LCD: Why is your new party a limited company?

THE MAN: It’s unfair that political parties are funded by the taxpayer. The private sector is far more efficient!

LCD: What does your company buy and sell?

THE MAN: We sell democracy. We have updated democracy to be fit for the modern era. My guaranteed position as undisputed leader of the new democracy ensures stability, in contrast to the shambles of the Tories.

LCD: I assume that you will be buying votes?

THE MAN: Votes cannot be bought, you know that. But we can buy lobbyists, newspaper columns, data miners, social media propaganda, and the like. So in essence, yes.

LCD: And your “party” has so far been funded by a large number of donations, all suspiciously just under the radar. Where does this funding come from?

THE MAN: Never you mind. By obscuring crucial details, we bring clarity to the minds of our public!

LCD: Is it true that you have simply assumed your position, without election or accountability, as a proxy political party, to escape the rules of the Electoral Commission?

THE MAN: Yes. I mean, no. I mean, well, it may not look democratic to you, but I assure you that democracy will develop and be better than ever!

LCD: Rumours have it that your ultimate ambition is to acquire UK plc as a wholly owned subsidiary.

THE MAN: It’s a battle for hearts and minds. Then it’s just a case of buying up whatever we can, with our friends in Tufton Street organising the finance.

LCD: One final observation. Your initials, NF, are the same as the fascist National Front.

THE MAN: And Jeremy Corbyn’s are the same as Jesus Christ, and nobody has ever called him the Messiah!

LCD: The Man, thank you.

LCD Views recommends that everyone buys shares in the Brexit Party and votes The Man off the board at the next AGM.

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=468058373932079

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Donald Tusk to chair Tory leadership debate

A WHOLE LOT OF BOLLOCKS : News just received says that Donald Tusk, President of the EU council, is to chair the Tory Party leadership debate.

“It’s so he can call out the bollocks,” Kay Burley, Sky News presenter, who was originally booked for the job, told LCD Views, “there will be a load of bollocks spoken, that much we know well in advance. I’d fancy by the time the debate is over bollocks will be the English world Donald has said the most, numerically speaking.”

The decision of Ms Burley to step aside for Tusk was an easy one for her to make.

”We need an expert on the EU. Most of the debate will be fantastical projections of what the new Tory leader, and presumably PM, will do about Brexit. It makes sense to have the EU council president moderate. This is so he can call bollocks to all the Tory claims on EU and Brexit. Did I already mention that? There’s going to be an awful lot of bollocks spoken, but not by Mr Tusk.”

But what if the debate strays onto purely national issues? Won’t Mr Tusk be out of his depth?

”Not at all,” Ms Burley was reassuring, “have you looked at the U.K. from across the channel? From any EU27 country? Actually anywhere else on Earth?”

What would be gained by that? That’s not very patriotic!

”What’s that got to do with it? The U.K. is a complete dumpster fire and everyone can see it. So any claim made on the Conservative record in government will be easy to adjudicate.”

How so?

”If the claim is a positive one Mr Tusk will easily be able to inform the viewing public of its veracity with a single word.”

Let me guess…

”Bollocks.”

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Failed MEP candidate’s lost deposit repaid in fast food vouchers

We’ve all been having a good laugh at Tommy Robinson since he failed miserably in his attempt to become an MEP at the weekend, not even getting enough votes to win back his deposit. Well, it seems someone’s taken pity on him, and McDonalds are giving him £5,000 worth of vouchers to use in their restaurants.

The announcement was made last night by their press officer Hugh Eatitt:

“We’ve been feeling a bit sorry for Mr Robinson – or whichever alias he wants to go by now,” he explained. “So we’re giving him £5,000 worth of vouchers as a way of making it up to him.”

The vouchers are valid in any McDonalds restaurant between June 1st and June 30th 2019.

Under closer scrutiny however, it was revealed that the vouchers in question are all for half price milkshakes, and that in order to save that £5,000 he will have to actually spend £5,000 on their products.

“Hey, what do you think we are, a charity?” retorted Eatitt.

Mr Robinson, or Mr Yaxley-Lennon, or whatever name he is using this week, was oddly philosophical about it.

“I’m gonna get those milkshakes,” he said, “and I’m gonna throw ‘em all over everyone I hate. And just for a laugh, he’s gonna get the first one all over his suit. He thinks it’s funny giving me milkshakes? I’ll give him a milkshake for a laugh.”

However, it would appear that McDonalds had anticipated this. Should Tommy hurl any of those milkshakes at any McDonalds employee, from the CEO down to the front line shop workers, the remaining vouchers will instantly become null and void and he will be required to pay £5,000 in damages plus any additional expenses.

But it would seem Tommy had the answer for this. “In that case I’ll use them all up on whoever I don’t like, then when they’re used up I’ll go and get a big one from Burger King and throw that one on him, they can’t get me for that.”

Milkman Tommy’s reign of milkshake terror is set to commence this weekend. You have been warned!

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Matt Hancock asks for William Hague’s hip baseball cap to help him become prime minister

IF THE CAP FITS : Tory leadership hopeful and right wing ‘thinktank’ IEA’s pick, Matt Hancock, has taken a bold step today to allay fears he’ll just flog off the NHS even faster as PM than he is doing as Health Secretary.

”He’s gotten hold of William Hague and asked for the holy grail,” LCD Views’ Tory fly on the wall reveals, “with Hague’s hip baseball cap little Matt will be hip to the kids daddio!”

And fooling younger voters into thinking you’re not just a tool, and a front for hard right private health concerns, is key to Matt’s potential success.

”He’s already done parkour,” the fly says, “happily the filming stopped before he face planted into the pavement and broke four teeth.”

If Hague is willing to lend Hancock his cap then it’s hard to see James Cleverly or Liz Truss getting in his way.

”That just leaves everyone else. That Malthouse guy maybe a blocker for Jeremy Hunt. Little Matt will need all the cap’s magic.”

But with the youth vote looking nailed down now he only has to worry about the elder set.

”They’re a minority in the Tory Party. If he gets the cool kids onside it’s a power packed bid.”

To see if Hague will loan the cap we doorstepped him, but he saw us off with a syllable so long we couldn’t wait for the end of it.

Good luck Matt! You, and we, are going to need it whoever comes out on top of the rat pack.

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Corbyn reinstates Campbell: ”It was just a joke… a case of English irony.”

The Labour leader has responded to the controversy over the expulsion of Alistair Campbell.

Campbell, Labour’s former Blairite spin doctor, has been expulsed after he avowedly voted for the LibDems during the European elections. The decision by the party has caused an uproar from other Labour senior officials, MPs included, who have voted for a Remain party last Sunday. Just like millions of traditional Labour voters.

It appears that this has pressured Corbyn to backtrack on the decision. Asked by LCD Views on the reasons for it, the 70-year old student politics leader told Campbell’s expulsion would only be temporary: “The national executive committee (NEC) just wanted a laugh after the disastrous election results.”

“Some Marxists in the leadership wanted to tease Campbell for his years in service of the right-wing Blairites in the party. And Kate Hoey, who happened to be there as well, came up with the joke.”

The Labour leader added, tongue-in-cheek, that it was just a case of “English irony”: “Excellent, isn’t it? Scots never get it. Nor our nationalist, er, I mean internationalist, position on Brexit, it seems.”

However, it appears that there is one condition for Campbell being reinstated in the party he served for more than forty years. LCD Views has learned from a NEC insider that the former Downing Street director of communications must first recite The Communist Manifesto in Corbyn’s office with his head confronting the wall.

“We just want him to learn the movement’s history,” said our source.

 

Image courtesy of “Europeans” Facebook group.

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We’re not racists, but our next prime minister might be

WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT : The flagging British tourism sector is said to be anticipating the potential impact today of a Boris Johnson premiership, by reviewing all the dog whistle racism he’s written in newspaper columns.

”It’s grim,” Mrs Howdiditcometothis, told LCD Views, “he can’t help himself. Partially he says these appalling things because he runs away with himself and partially because he’s a world class prat who has zero conscience. Actually, just the prat part. It’s frankly embarrassing, demeaning and we’re anticipating being wiped out if that pound store Trump gets the keys to number 10.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/brexit-uk-tourism-money-economy-visitor-numbers-deficit-travel-eu-tourists-a8929461.html%3famp

But it’s not all bad news. While people may feel less inclined to visit Global Britain, with its racism based governing philosophy, other destinations are certain to see a boost.

”EU27 countries can presumably pick up what we lose,” our insider context sighed, “which is probably what we deserve for allowing this shaming shambles to go on and on, and for not having a national politics that removes people who are happy to be racist at an early stage, like it used to do.”

The hit to the sector is a bit of a shock, as the fall in the value of the pound was supposed to boost inward tourism spending, not see it decline.

”The weaker pound is proving as much use as our weaker reputation on the global stage,” she added, “the only Brexit dividend is that enjoyed by other countries able to capitalise on our mass act of self harm.”

LCD Views thinks it’s unlikely that Boris will become PM, while possible, but if he does it will do to remember the old phrase,

You get the government you deserve.

So it is well passed time even more people began to raise their voice and say about the current state of affairs another old staple,

Not in my name. No ifs, no buts.

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U.K. government confirms U.K. manufacturing will be entirely powered by renewable faith post Brexit

BLOWING IN THE WIND : The United Kingdom’s government has moved to reassure voters about the dual concerns of climate change and energy policy today with the confirmation that the U.K. will be entirely powered by renewable faith post Brexit.

”You just have to have faith,” disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox told a tepid press conference, “and hide friends behind curtains.”

The faith itself will be converted into a power source by belief.

”If we all get down on our knees and bow our heads before Brexit, and focus really hard on running our manufacturing entirely on the power of Brexit we can both meet our booming export demands and climate change targets,” the clueless DIT minister nodded, “and make sure to hide our friends behind curtains.”

The new policy is hoped will be even easier to achieve once a new Conservative leader is chosen, as that will be an act entirely done on faith too.

”Experts say we should use what lies about us, but I say we should look within ourselves and just really believe. Oh, and look behind curtains.”

Once the faith has been successfully harnessed to turn turbines and power the Satanic mills of Brexitannia, it will also be used to power our international relations and trade deals.

The announcement did receive cross-party support, as Labour is also currently operating a faith based Brexit policy, which is coupled to faith in the leader.

”We are all about faith these days,” a Labour source commented, “it really unites the believers. Just ask Campbell! Ha!”

It’s believed the first actual structure to be run entirely on faith power will be the chapel the Tories and Labour are planning to timeshare, given they’re both expelling and shedding members who lack belief in Brexit so fast, neither need a broad church anymore.

Believe. Believe in a proper Brexit and keep the fires burning in your hearts.