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Labour and Cons begin talks to form coalition government to deliver a Brexit that unites country

BACKDOOR CHANNELING: “We have more that unites us, then divides us, at least on Brexit,” Tory leadership hopeful, Mr Hoarse Shu (MP for Little Con) told a rapt media scrum today as he announced the beginning of negotiations between the Labour Party and the Conservatives.

”We both wish to respect the will of the people from 2016. We both are allergic to any reconsideration of that advisory decision. Not the proven lawbreaking, the broken promises, the foreign meddling, the loss of international standing and influence or the mass cull of jobs and investment, or even the clear and present danger of encouraging far right politics is enough to dissuade us. We have united behind Brexit, an once we get the formula right, the country will too.”

The talks are planned to run alongside the Tory leadership contest in the hope of having the conditions for coalition government agreed by the time a new leader of the Conservatives is chosen some time in September.

”As both of our parties have made clear, recent election results speak of the overwhelming desire of the British people to unite behind a Brexit that works for everybody. Both the asset strippers that fund it and the ordinary blue collar workers losing their jobs hand over fist as a result of it. It’s amazing how an ideologically divide traditionally so wide can be bridged if you both bend in towards one another.”

It’s believed the talks won’t only focus on the solution to Brexit, but on the future of the United Kingdom, and specifically England.

”Even this morning we have agreed that in the unlikely event that Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland choose different paths post Brexit, England will still need strong and stable government. To this end we have agreed a partition along the Watford line. North of Watford will be governed by Labour and south by ourselves. We just need to work out where to run the line through Watford to make the division work.”

They have bent their wills to making Brexit work. Now you must too.

”If we just push hard enough we will deliver a Brexit that works for all. And if you don’t like it you can F off and vote Green, Plaid, SNP or Libdem. Thank you.”

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Brexit Party reveal draft manifesto

FINE PRINT : The Brexit Party has hit back today at claims it’s not a party and it doesn’t have a manifesto, and as such is just a racket.

”We are not a racket or any other type of sporting equipment and we do have a manifesto you traitor,” Joseph Gobbles, BP policy consultant, told LCD Views, “and we don’t need to be a party because we’re a limited company.”

So what’s on the manifesto? Out means out, what don’t you understand? Is that it?

”You think you’re so clever with your words, words, words,” Mr Gobbles hit back back, “but myself and Doctor Mangler have actually already written down two policies.”

And they are?

”An annual Wicker Man festival to celebrate being English in the 21st Century, with compulsory attendance by all patriots, whether you fetishise hard right, authoritarianisms or not.”

Thats one.

”And the immediate and total ban of the public sale of milkshakes.”

That’s two. Do you want help adding a couple more?

”What have you got?”

The immediate revision of history books to prove we won the war, without assistance, and we will do it again if we have to.

”Excellent. And what else?”

The establishment of a ‘Brexit Party Youth Corp’ to replace traditional schooling and ensure a focus on patriotism from an early age.

”That’s five! That pretty much nails it. I thought you were going to be a saboteur, traitor, unpatriotic, EU tyranny loving fifth columnist who I’d have to shout ‘well go and live in the EU if you love it so much!’ at, but here we are, five full manifesto commitments! Job done.”

It’s only four.

”Excuse me?”

Two plus two equals four.

”Not in Brexitannia it doesn’t! Now go and get ready for the book burning to celebrate completing our manifesto. If you don’t have a Saint George flag tattooed on your face by lunch time we’ll know where your loyalties lie.”

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”Would you like some snake oil with your London Bridge?” – con man aiming to get rich in Brexit Party constituencies

U.K. SCRAP PLC : A con man who specialises in selling London Bridge to idiots is to spend the rest of the year selling the bridge in Brexit Party MEP constituencies.

”Would you like some snake oil with your famous bridge?” Nigel Widdecombe-Johnson III asks us, “only an additional £9,999 per thousand litre tube?”

The snake oil is additional?

”There’s no free lunch in this life son. Man’s got to work for a living. I’ve a wife and family to feed and my sister in law is hard on her luck as a result of her husband, a good man, having prematurely donated his brain to medical science. But I tell you what I’ll do for you, you put some cash down today, on the nail, and I’ll deliver London Bridge for free? How does that sound?”

Wow, that’s some customer service right there.

”A lot of people are put off buying famous London landmarks by the congestion charge, but we here at ‘London Bridges 4 U’ won’t stand for our loyal customers being inconvenienced.”

But won’t the government have something to say about my buying London Bridge?

”No sirree! I’m selling the bridge on behalf of the government. You see the people have decided to replace the bridge with a trampoline. It’s all got to go!”

So how soon can you deliver?

”Just as soon as you walk into that ballot box and tick Brexit Party for your MEP. That’s the down payment, the rest you can pay later in installments. Say, do you have a family?”

Why yes, two children currently at university.

”Too clever by half I guess. Don’t understand what you went through In WW2? Well, they’ll be mighty impressed when you show them their old dad has bought a famous bridge! That’ll teach them a thing or two.”

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Where the hell is the East Midlands, asks Annunziata Rees-Mogg

Annunziata Rees-Mogg, newly elected MEP for the East Midlands, has expressed a certain amount of confusion. Where the hell is it, she wants to know.

This will come as a great comfort to voters in Sutton-on-Sea, Chapel-en-le-Frith and Barton-in-the-Beans. She is a clean slate, a blank page. She will have no preconceptions as well as no knowledge.

“One has no idea where this East Midlands place is,” said Annunziata, after several victory glasses of vintage champagne. “It doesn’t matter, it sounds ghastly, wherever it is. I’m not going to sit in the bloody EU parliament anyway!”

Erm, it’s your job now, a nervous aide reminded her. You have been democratically elected to serve…

“Nonsense! Off with his head!” she retorted. “I rule, you serve. That’s what this is all about. Remove this blithering idiot from my presence and have him executed at dawn!”

I have a map of the UK if it helps, squeaked another aide. If you take the train from St Pancras…

“One does not use public transport!” she replied magnificently. “If one cannot get there within the hour in one’s brother’s post chaise, then it can’t be worth going. Throw this man into the dungeons!”

Look, it’s just here! gestured the departing minion, desperately waving his map as Annunziata’s heavies dragged him off by the hair.

“One does not even acknowledge the existence of The North,” replied Annunziata conclusively. “Flat caps, clogs and cobbles. Like one of Jacob’s little fantasies.”

Very soon the afterglow of her victory began to fade. Before long, like a Cheshire Cat, all that remained was Nigel Farage’s grin.

Once upon a time, the UK followed a white elephant down a rabbit hole. It followed a dodo, ate some magic mushrooms and listened in thrall to a pack of lies told by a pack of cards. Let us hope that it wakes up before it’s too late.

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GIANT PENNY seen floating in sky over Palace of Westminster – RAF scrambled

SMALL CHANGE : There are dozens of reports today of a GINORMOUS PENNY seen floating in sky over The Palace of Westminster.

“The penny was first noticed in the sky this morning after the results of the EU elections came in,” our civil defence correspondent reports (LIVE from WESTMINSTER – with lights and everything! Even though he could have done it just as well in the studio!), “The prime minister is said to have immediately convened a meeting of COBRA, although only she attended.”

As a result of the emergency meeting the PM is said to have ordered the RAF to scramble jets to intercept the penny. Well, after she remembered who was currently defence secretary, coincidentally someone called Penny.

“The RAF is currently under orders to keep a distance and be ready to react should the giant penny look like crashing on top of Westminster and squashing the brains of Tory and Labour MPs still committed to Brexit. The impact is believed to be survivable, but only if the penny drops before it becomes even bigger.”

There are reports of plans being drawn up to attempt to lure the penny away, perhaps to the North Sea or the Bay of Biscay, but as yet the only suggested methods being put forward are to tack even harder to the right on Brexit, and that strategy only seems likely to make the penny become even larger.

“The PM has requested that Corbyn, McCluskey, Milne and Nigel Farage enter into discussions with her on the best way to deal with the penny,” our correspondent reveals, “and find a common solution to dealing with the bleeding obvious.”

It’s clear if they can’t find a way to safely bring the penny to ground it will just sooner or later completely flatten them. Representatives of smaller parties at Westminster are said to be in no danger however, because they never needed the bloody penny to drop in the first place.

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Labour demand a general election to replicate their success in local and EU elections

Labour has responded to their outstanding success in recent elections by calling for a general election. Strategists are projecting that Labour could win as many as 150 seats.

“This is our moment!” claimed Labour insider Les Ismore. “The Tories are in disarray. We lost fewer than them, that means we won!”

Doesn’t the fact that other parties won more seats than Labour concern you?

“What? No way,” replied Ismore. “We have a two party system, you know!”

So how will things pan out, given that the two main parties did so poorly?

“We did well. Very well indeed,” Ismore corrected. We are on course to win a landslide of cast-iron safe Labour seats!”

All the available information says that a Remain orientated, second referendum supporting Labour party would clean up at at a general election.

“But that is not an option,” mealy-mouthed Ismore. “We promised to respect the first referendum, however corrupt and however narrow the result. It’s the will of the people, and what the people want now is irrelevant.”

How many voters would you lose by changing tack?

“Lots. Hundreds. Dozens, maybe,” admitted Ismore. “But they are the ones threatening violence, and we deplore violence.”

How does that square with ‘For the many, not the few’?

“It makes perfect sense for the many Brexit supporters!” replied Ismore.

Meanwhile there is a growing grassroots rebellion in The North. Natural Labour supporters, disappointed with their party sucking up to fascists, are taking direct action.

“We ain’t throwing milkshakes!” explained activist Chuck Foodstuffs. “Instead, we are slathering anyone who comes beyond the M25 to preach Brexit with tomato ketchup.”

Wouldn’t brown sauce be more, erm, Northern?

“Aye, but no self-respecting northerner would throw their brown sauce,” explained Foodstuffs. “It’s practically currency oop ‘ere.”

If a general election is called, expect to see a lot of red-faced Labour campaigners.

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May standing down: EU prepares for all scenarios including a no-resignation one

After yesterday’s shocking/not-shocking news of May’s resignation, the European Commission has today advised member-states to prepare for all scenarios, including a no-resignation one.

By BritishResearchGroup@emielnachtegael (Twitter)
Brussels, May 25

It has been reported by the tabloids that the initial reaction after May’s speech among the elected/non-elected bureaucrats in Brussels was one of jubilation.

French president Macron has supposedly cracked a bottle of champagne after hearing the news of May’s resignation, and Verhofstadt, Brexit-negotiator of the EP, has allegedly been quoted telling his team, when watching the livestream of the news:

“Now, let’s set fire to tears!”

He was so excited he spilled his glass of wine in his hands. However, it seems that the mood in Brussels is one of less than impressed and much more one of “let’s wait and see”.

Margaritis Schinas, the chief spokesperson of the Commission, soberly told the press that “though it us our preferred scenario for her to leave office, we have the responsibility to prepare for all eventualities”.

The date of her departing is set on June 7, but this has raised eyebrows among leaders on the Continent.

Juncker, surprisingly sober as well, told LCD Views:

“Has the Queen actually seen a letter of resignation? Just asking, because, well, we had to wait almost ten months after the UK told that it wants to leave the EU before we actually received the official letter invoking article 50.”

Tusk, the President of the EU-Council has told EU-heads of states to be ready for a special Council meeting where an extension of her premiership will be discussed.

EU-member states, too, are bracing themselves in case of a non-resignation scenario. And since the UK is officially still a member, the Commission has also issued a listed of recommendations to the UK in case May does not resign.

LCD Views has obtained a copy of this list and we are publishing here some of the measures Europe recommends:

* The Opposition parties are advised to hold their fire until the Tory party has made up its mind on what kind of resignation it actually wants. A hard one, where she is gone for good, or a soft one where May goes, but comes back through the backdoor?

* Europeans and non-white people living under conditions of hostile environment are advised not to come out of their houses yet, until the EU confirms that May is really, really gone.

* Teachers in the UK are told to continue to raise private funds for their schools and continue to visit foodbanks to feed their pupils, as – says the document – “We’ve been repeatedly told by the PM that austerity would be over, but even with May gone, austerity is uncertain to end”.

* Satirists depicting May requesting an extension of her premiership in the near future, despite having declared her decision to leave, are requested to censure their pieces in case reality trumps satire (again).

The ERG and DUP have reacted furiously upon being informed about this list. Rees-Mogg called it another instance of “European bullying” and has instructed his nanny to write a polite letter of protest to the Commission.

Mark Francois went further: he ripped up the Commission’s list in front of all the cameras!!! He even threatened to stand as a candidate as leader of the Conservative Party.

Do you have any recommendations yourselves on what the UK should do in case of a non-resignation scenario? Do waste your time and share them in the comment section.

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Link between not being a wannabe fascist and not getting milkshaked confirmed, by scientists

Data scientists confirmed today it is increasingly likely that not being a hard right wannabe equates to having less milkshakes thrown at you.

Social scientists have long hypothesised that should a right wing renaissance emerge in the country that someone would try and do something about it, but after years of analysing governmental action and media bias, it appeared it was unfortunately merely a hypothesis.

Until….researchers at Banbridge Analytica (Based in Northern Ireland, and not to be confused with world destroyers of a similar name) started looking at normal people who have for millennia regularly overthrown overzealous despots.

Media studies show “everyday dogooder” activity is underrepresented by most clickbait peddlers, in favour of sensationalist nonsense for the credulous.

Only after recent technological developments, such as phone cameras and live streaming, have the maddened public reactions to racist ruffians resurfaced.

This recent ability to realise how many xeno/homo/whatevaphobes are spouting hate on a corner near you appears to have finally produced the data spike hypothesised by the people who fought in World War II.

Folklore of the time suggested that their efforts against Nazis, and the countless millions of people that suffered at the hands of evil, had been the final battle. Their grandchildren would live a happy and peaceful life under a just government that would try everything in their power to prevent a Zak Synder post apocalyptic dystopian reboot.

By a complex process of examination, referencing data analysis and looking at their phones a lot, irrefutable trends have been spotted that suggest people have had enough of “tiny timmy ten names”, or whatever the hell he’s called.

By training an ANN (thats one of them artificial neural network things ) to detect Milkshake in jpegs, using unnatural luminance values on objects it identifies as human, researchers were able to compare millions of images of humans to spot the current corellating “fashion” of saying enough is enough with an upturned paper cup towards a “savile” suited shithead.

A certain smug, financial fiddling, toad faced mug made even the AI vomit after being forced to see his face everywhere.

However, after a bit of data recovery and further study of socio-political public posts, nonclusions are optimistic that actually doing something, even if it may seem a bit wasteful of delicious frozen beverages, and could possibly get you in trouble, may just catch on.

More details of Tiny tantrumming twaddle talking turd’s mates that recieved more than a milkshake from “Her Majesty” can be found below:

malatesta32.wordpress.com/2019/01/21/2019-far-right-sex-offenders-update/

As for Farage’s alleged fiscal fiddling, more here 😉

www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2018-06-25/brexit-big-short-how-pollsters-helped-hedge-funds-beat-the-crash

 

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Twitter urged to increase Trump’s character limit from 280 to 280K so he never again leaves his toilet

LOST IN THOUGHT : Twitter is coming under renewed lobbying today to increase Donald Trump’s tweet character limit from 280 to 280K characters, so he never leaves his toilet again.

”He’ll go in tomorrow morning as usual in the small hours to start tweeting insanities at the world and just never come back out,” leader of the campaign, Mrs Grammer told LCD Views, “we reckon if he’s baited with a pro-Obama story just before he goes inside the little room that’ll be it. Game, set and match.”

In order to really bait the hook the team behind the campaign are working on hacking into the FOX ‘news’ channel to run the Obama puff piece through Trump’s only outward gazing window to the world.

Twitter itself is tight lipped about the proposal, with rumours circulating that they’re inclined to say no.

”Trump is good for business,” Mrs Grammer acknowledged, “and with another president, having such an infinite view into their mind would be amazing. Say Abraham Lincoln? Although he was famously shy of social media channels, not setting up any of them. With Trump it’s a different story. Every tweet is a clear argument to just get that lunatic out of office, but still he stays. For now.”

LCD Views would like to commend the team behind the initiative. It’s about time someone took action to distract the mad baboon and make the world a safer place.

But if by some chance Trump does finish the giant tweet in his lifetime, we’ll be sure to retweet it.

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Giant McDonalds milkshake now preferred U.K. prime minister

SOMETHING GOV: The latest preferred prime minister poll by yougov, out today, shows a giant McDonalds milkshake is now the preferred U.K. prime minister.

”It’s undeniable,” our polling expert, Mrs North, told us over a scratchy line from the South Pole (she’s visiting a distant relative), “even accounting for margins of error, 100% can not be argued with.”

There was of course no surprise that outgoing Gorgon, Theresa May, was polling on -200%.

”That’s actually an improvement for her,” Mrs North notes, “believed to be caused by the sympathy bounce she’s enjoying since announcing that at some point this year she will eventually bugger off.”

Why official opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn was polling at 7/10 is also clear.

”Well, it’s a wishy washy return for the man who keeps calling for a GE, in spite of not yet having got the hang of being an opposition MP. But you can understand why he wants his party back in government, that’s his comfort zone, opposing Labour administrations.”

Whether or not a McDonald’s milkshake will now stand for election is not clear, but all flavours are said to be considering the poll with interest.

”None of them are in a McFlurry to run for office,” Mrs North notes, “as they seem to enjoy being part of a guerilla anti-fascist campaign, and an effective one at that. Also a necessary one, given the general failure of numerous Tory and Labour MPs to fight the rise of the hard right, but their decision to actually encourage it by pretending Brexit is either desirable or deliverable in any form, without mass damage.”

If a milkshake decides to run it can expect heavy competition from a Burger King one, with even now the rival fast food delivery service tweeting its skepticism that the McDonald’s milkshake would poll so high if yougov included a Burger King one in the questioning.

”The wheels are being greased for the milkshakes to go for high office,” Mrs North is certain, “And I wouldn’t be surprised if the best catchphrase in the imminent GE is ‘do you want fries with that?’”