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Giant McDonalds milkshake now preferred U.K. prime minister

SOMETHING GOV: The latest preferred prime minister poll by yougov, out today, shows a giant McDonalds milkshake is now the preferred U.K. prime minister.

”It’s undeniable,” our polling expert, Mrs North, told us over a scratchy line from the South Pole (she’s visiting a distant relative), “even accounting for margins of error, 100% can not be argued with.”

There was of course no surprise that outgoing Gorgon, Theresa May, was polling on -200%.

”That’s actually an improvement for her,” Mrs North notes, “believed to be caused by the sympathy bounce she’s enjoying since announcing that at some point this year she will eventually bugger off.”

Why official opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn was polling at 7/10 is also clear.

”Well, it’s a wishy washy return for the man who keeps calling for a GE, in spite of not yet having got the hang of being an opposition MP. But you can understand why he wants his party back in government, that’s his comfort zone, opposing Labour administrations.”

Whether or not a McDonald’s milkshake will now stand for election is not clear, but all flavours are said to be considering the poll with interest.

”None of them are in a McFlurry to run for office,” Mrs North notes, “as they seem to enjoy being part of a guerilla anti-fascist campaign, and an effective one at that. Also a necessary one, given the general failure of numerous Tory and Labour MPs to fight the rise of the hard right, but their decision to actually encourage it by pretending Brexit is either desirable or deliverable in any form, without mass damage.”

If a milkshake decides to run it can expect heavy competition from a Burger King one, with even now the rival fast food delivery service tweeting its skepticism that the McDonald’s milkshake would poll so high if yougov included a Burger King one in the questioning.

”The wheels are being greased for the milkshakes to go for high office,” Mrs North is certain, “And I wouldn’t be surprised if the best catchphrase in the imminent GE is ‘do you want fries with that?’”

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EU blocks all UK social media accounts so Boris Johnson can’t message them

WHERE DID THEY GO : The EU has reportedly blocked all United Kingdom social media accounts today, just in case Boris Johnson becomes prime minister.

“It’s so he can’t message us,” Donald Tusk told reporters outside the EU parliament earlier today, before shrugging, “we thought it best to block him now, just in case. I’ve also told Michel to take the phone off the hook and return any mail to sender, unopened.”

While the move was expected, with the major figures in the EU already driven to exasperation by outgoing prime minister Theresa May, Mr Johnson’s supporters were doubtful the EU will stick to it.

“It’s just their opening negotiating position,” Johnny Mercer told Andrew Marr, “once they see the range of filters and emoji’s Mr Johnson is prepared to litter his messages with, I’m sure they’ll rush to unblock Boris, even if he does send them a series of johnson photos while pissed.”

The risk of the favourite to replace Theresa May sending inebriated willy pictures to senior EU figures is believed to be high, and part of the reason why he has been blocked.

“We are sorry for the remainder of British accounts who will not be able to send messages to us,” Mr Tusk sighed, “but the risk of Mr Johnson hacking someone’s account is too high.”

He did add that as soon as sanity returned to UK politics they will unblock everyone else, but Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Dominic Raab, Esther McVey, Nadine Dorries, Jacob Rees-mogg, Penny Mourdant, Rory Stewart, Iain Duncan Smith, Nigel Farage, Damian Green, Sajid Javid, Jeremy Hunt, well, the list is fairly exhaustive.

“It’s only a matter of time before Mr Johnson comes off the rails in the leadership contest and starts messaging us asking for help,” Mr Tusk told reporters, and shrugged, “well he can go whistle.”

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Ghost of Margaret Thatcher to stand in Tory leadership race

Shock news emerged this morning as the new frontrunner in the Tory leadership race is Margaret Thatcher. Her ghost has vowed to defeat all the other insubstantial phantoms, wraiths and spirits heading towards the Brexit trap door like so many zombies.

“I must return to haunt my successors,” wailed the ghost. “There is no alternative!”

Thatcher’s ghost is expected to win by one of her landslide majorities. She will then clear out all the dead wood from the front bench. “We may have to govern on our own,” she declared.

The fact that Thatcher is actually dead is a great advantage. It should prove very useful when dealing with the skeletons in the closet.

Thatcher’s ghost declared that she had the perfect solution to Brexit. “It’s an elephant in the room,” she observed, “And elephants are scared of mice. I shall bring mice to every cabinet meeting and flush the beast out!”

This has caused an upheaval in Westminster. Boris Johnson has already withdrawn his candidacy to fawn at Thatcher’s ghost, in the hope of getting the ultimate shag.

Michael Gove is seriously worried. As a will o’ the wisp candidate, now you see him, now you don’t, Thatcher’s ghost is a threat to his undead support.

Meanwhile Chris Grayling went to have a stern word with Charon, ferryman to the underworld, about letting Thatcher return, but ended up ordering pizza. That’s how it’s done in the Styx.

Thatcher’s ghost has instantly appealed to members past and present. She represents a glorious, mythical golden age, and is every bit as alive as many Conservative voters in marginal seats.

But it is not all plain sailing. If Thatcher can return, say many disaffected Tories, why not other heroes from the past? The next person expected to stand for leadership is the winner of two world wars and one world cup, Winston Churchill.

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May appoints Grayling to run Tory leadership contest so it is never completed

BOLD MOVE : Underperforming and outgoing prime minister Theresa May has appointed that stalwart of efficient public governance, Christ!opher Grayling to run the Conservative Party leadership contest.

The move, described as expected, looks certain to secure her tenure inside 10 Downing Street, even after Donald Trump’s visit.

”It will never be completed,” our Conservative Party analyst observed, “the contest to replace her. That’s why she’s done it. And even if, in the most unlikely circumstances, Grayling does see the contest through to privatisation, it will have to be undone. So she’ll end up back where she wants to be, making statements that impact the Sterling exchange rates. Which is as curious for a democracy as having a Secretary of State for Health taking money from advocates of private health care.”

Grayling himself is said to be honoured by her choice and has immediately dedicated himself to making a good fist of it.

”He’s invited all the pizza delivery firms going to bid for the job,” our analyst analysers, “which is smart. Hot favourite to replace May, Boris “Fcuk Business” Johnson, won’t get you a pizza delivered by a ferry.”

The contest is expected to kick off soon and can reasonably be expected to bankrupt the United Kingdom.

”With Grayling running it? Time and cost over runs are built into the planning. Loads of people will get rich. It’s the design. That’s why he’s still there.”

We wish the Prime Minister luck with her gambit and even if it goes wrong, and we end up with a car ferry running the country, we are certain the terms and conditions attached to the next prime minister will be easy to google.

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May stepping down so the Tories can find someone even worse

Stepping down is a stepping stone for someone stepping up to the plate. Theresa May is using her last legs to walk away from the top job with her head held low.

The race is on to find her replacement. Almost everybody in the parliamentary Conservative party has put their best foot forward to step into her kitten heels.

They won’t choose someone better than May. That would be like admitting they got it wrong last time, and they never do that. So the Tories are looking for someone even worse.

Fortunately, this means they have a huge field to choose from. But who will be the lucky loser? Who will claim the poisoned chalice? Here at LCD Views we have to concede, grudgingly, May’s success in securing a Brexit deal, even if it was shit. Who among the runners and riders could do almost as well?

“It’s like the Grand National,” argued analyst Roy Lascott. “The favourites will crowd each other out, fall at the first hurdle, and hopefully be put down.”

But who will win? “A 50-1 outsider will romp home,” said Lascott. “The winner will be less ambitious, less talented and far more cautious than any other candidate. The worst horse generally wins, and this is as true for horse racing as it is for Tory party leadership contests.”

Lascott gave LCD Views a run-down of some of the hopefuls. “Boris’ blokey bluff and bluster won’t wash with the wily Europeans,” he said. “They have professional politicians over there, rather than the not-very-gifted amateurs we have in the UK. Jeremy C. Hunt, well the name says it all. If you ask Dominic Raab to distinguish between Mark Francois and a nineties indie band, you will find he can’t tell an arse from Elbow.”

What of the other candidates?

“Michael Gove is only standing so he can stab Boris in the back again,” opined Lascott. “Sajid Javid has a chance, since he makes May look compassionate by comparison. Jeremy Corbyn is so useless that, if he weren’t in the Labour party, he would be a shoe-in.”

“To be honest, the best available candidate cannot stand – John Bercow. He would certainly bring oooooorrrrrrrddddeeeerrrrrr!”

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U.K. to try not having a prime minister as that’s probably better

NO STONE LEFT UNTURNED: The United Kingdom has informed the world’s media today that it is to try not having a prime minister as that’s probably better.

”Just for a while,” an exhausted looking UK said, “to see how it pans out. It can’t be worse? Right?”

It probably can’t. Reflecting on the unending mismanagement and all round shitshow the U.K. has descended into under subsequent prime ministers, Angela Merkel threw her support behind the idea.

”It would give everyone a break?” she shrugged, “I don’t think I’ll be rushing to answer the phone if you do have another one anytime soon. Maybe I could stop by on weekends? You know, look in, make sure you’re getting along alright.”

But the decision to be rudderless has its critics, even though it is in many ways just the status quo. Namely all of the Conservative MPs who are all declaring themselves for the job.

”That’s exactly why I’m doing it,” the U.K. said, “seriously? Just F off and let me get my breath back before you start up again.”

The UK explained its decision doesn’t stop the Tories having their leadership contest, just whoever wins won’t become PM as expected.

”It’s going to be weeks now of complete and utter cretins all over the BBC ranting no deal WTO Brexit is not a problem, we’ll pull the trigger on October 31st if we have to. Winter is a great time for food and fuel shortages anyway. I think we can all do without that, can’t we?”

But what about choosing a PM from a different Westminster party?

”Look, it’s the law of diminishing returns right now and I’m done with it. Check back in a year or two and I’ll tell you if I’m ready to start repeatedly punching myself in the face again? Alright.”

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Foreigner to re-record classic hit as I Want To Know What Leave Is

We’ve been getting a plethora of classic songs re-recorded with a political twist recently, from the surviving Beatles’ ‘Strawberry Milkshake Forever’ to Simon & Garfunkel’s new ‘Scarborough Brexit Fair’.

Now rock stalwarts Foreigner are getting in on the act with a new recording of their biggest success.

‘I Want To Know What Leave Is’ will feature newly revised lyrics asking what Brexit is all about.

Foreigner’s chief songwriter and founder member Mick Jones explains:

“We’ve been getting all sorts of ridiculous claims about an upshot of Brexit over the last three years but no clear definition. I was with the band watching a news item on it and I suddenly said, ‘all these bogus claims, come on, I want to know what leave is’ – and they all turned and looked at me, and I realised what I’d just said, and I just went, ‘we’ve got to do this’ – so we have done.”

Nigel Farage gave a response to this – nobody asked him to, but he felt it necessary to burst into our offices and say it anyway.

“It’s outrageous,” he said. “A band called Foreigner have no place to attack us Brits.”

The fact that Mr Jones is in fact English and the band name refers to his status living in America back in the 1970s went completely over his head.

Foreigner are now calling on you though to provide your own vocal take on the chorus:

I want to know what leave is
I want you to show me

Just record yourself singing those lines as tunefully as you can and they’ll edit it into the finished single.

They want to get as many members of the public asking what leave is as they can.

The single will be released on June 23rd, backed by another re-recording of a classic hit, the call for an end to dithering hesitation that is ‘Say You Will, Say You Won’t (Make Up Your Mind Tonight)’.

https://youtu.be/raNGeq3_DtM

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Boris Johnson hires MiB to make it easier for him to become prime minister

BLUNDERING SABOTAGES: A blonde man who expects to walk into the top job in the United Kingdom has hit on a way today to make everyone in the country forget who he is.

“If enough people stop and think about what he’s done and what he’s said over the years he’s stuffed,” a campaign strategist says, “so he’s got to either reinvent himself, bit of an impossibility, or make everyone forget who he is. This way he can bound onto the political stage again and wow the country. He’s seems fun! He’s seems smart! I wonder who he is?”

But the hiring of the famous Men In Black to tour the United Kingdom erasing every voter’s memory of Boris Johnson, back until when HIGNFY mistakenly boosted his public profile, runs a risk.

“Clearly they’re busy making people forget they have had an alien encounter, in order to keep the planet safer,” the strategist observed, “so there’s a slight risk of apocalyptic inter-galatic shenanigans if they’re taken off task just to suit Boris. But I expect that’s a risk he’s willing to live with if it increases his changes of swanning into 10 Downing Street.”

Whether or not it’s a risk the UK is willing to take is another matter.

“Not really, as only about 0.06% of the population will be asked if they want Boris Johnson to become prime minister,” the strategist shrugged, “and most of that 0.06% are already certifiably insane. To be fair, they probably don’t even need their memories erasing in the first place.”

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Somerset Tory MP bakes cake and does power stance as he bids to replace May

SMELL THE GLOVE : A Tory MP for Somerset has appeared in the Telegraph in a classic leadership photographic power bid.

Nosferatu Rees-mogg (definitely a relation), has served the southwest constituency since the inception of the Tory Party in the 18th century, and he was putting out all the classic symbols that’s he’s in the race for Downing Street.

“It’s unusual for the spread to be in a Friday edition and not a Sunday one,” our Tory Party analyst said, viewing the photos with a sense of impending dread,

“but I guess with May to be sedated and brainwashed this morning, in order to get her to set out her departure schedule without further resistance, he wanted to get a jump on the rest. Well, those that haven’t already declared, which is most of the party.”

What exactly was in the cake though?

”Sunshine. Holy water. Garlic. At least that’s what Nosferatu says. Presumably he wants to quell rumours he’s a bloodsucking vampire and appear trustworthy and wholesome instead.”

The power stance though has come in for criticism, for being too liberal.

”The legs aren’t spread wide enough,” our analyst notes, “whatever your sex, if you’re running to be a leader of the Tories you’ve got to spread ‘em like you’ve a pair of cannon balls swinging down there. This looks more like a couple of rounds of grapeshot. It’s going to count against him when compared with Liz Truss on that toilet seat.”

Other famous party names are expected to declare in the coming days to compete in a very crowded field.

”Al Capone. Vlad the Impaler. The Woman in Black. They’ll all go for it,” our man says, “and of course, Boris the Clown. Whoever wins we can expect a continuation of what we’ve enjoyed since mid 2016.”

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Tories concentrating on the league after getting knocked out of Europe

  1. The alt-rampant Tories are ‘concentrating on the league’ after a humiliating European loss. In political football manager speak, this translates roughly as, we lost, get over it.

The word coming from Tory HQ is that, now Europe is out of reach for another season, all their energies can be concentrated on getting re-elected in 2022. As is usually the case after a massive defeat, they are thinking of replacing their manager. Unfortunately for them, no remotely suitable candidate is available. Theresa May stays on as Prime Minister by default.

This page has remarked before on the unbalanced shape of Team Tory. Too many right wingers, and an insistence that a backstop isn’t necessary. The potential replacements for May are all so right wing that they are off the pitch, or so imbecilic that they advocate dropping out of the Premier League to join the WTO 9th Division (North).

In the middle of this, first team coach Andrea Leadsom has resigned, because the level playing field refuses to yield to her warped sense of reality.

The Tories are only top of the league at present because of the weakness of the opposition. The last time anyone can remember an opposition so weak was in the glory days of Margaret Thatcher’s ‘Invincibles’, who cheated their way to victory and changed the rules retrospectively.

The winners are the Brexit Party team, who hate the EU so much that they use it as their platform. A victory spells out failure, and a loss success. The oxymoronic team, in reality the one-man cult Nigel “the man who puts the Moron into Oxymoron” Farage, has lost by winning, and is playing to lose.

The political system is so messed up, that the Premier League will be decided on who scores the least number of own-goals. In this Looking Glass World, the party with no policies, no manifesto, no legal standing, just one bigmouth and a name, only needs to turn up to win.

Which of course translates as a loss.

Anyone for tennis?